Albert: A Gray Matter

Hey, this is a BHCG review
First off, wow. Your book was only uploaded on the 11th August 2011 and already you’re at number 150? That’s really awesome, good on you!
Ok down to business...
...Dammit.
(Twenty minutes later!)
Normally I do pretty in-depth critiques of BHCG embers, but you left me little to pick at. Honestly, this is the first BHCG review I have done where I am unable to dissect the writing into something I consider better. Sure, there are some sentences I re-wrote in my mind, but only to suit my own style and nothing that would improve upon your story. I can see why you have come so far so quickly.
Chapter one is fantastic. You have a unique style, slightly jerky but effective and you weave the humour in subtly. I think the best authors are those with their own voice rather than the same-style-different-words kinds of authors and you are definitely one of the first. Chapters 2, 3, 4 etc...all great. I envy your imagination.
One thing – ‘It was at a pivot point’ – I wondered if pivotal would sound better here. That is such a teensy tiny thing to point out I know but it was the only thing I could find!!
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read this, Hope to read the rest sometime :-)
Tammy

A BHCG Review

ALBERT: A GRAY MATTER
M. E. Shekinah

The first chapter of this story got so intense that I forgot the beginning where the intruder was apparently Einstein. Then, your last sentence at the end of the chapter brought that back into focus. Very clever device.

Your writing is so filled with colorful characters and strikingly intense action, I was really into it. You have done a great job with the setting without it becoming only that. It was more like it was laced into the action and I am going to reread it to try and discern just how you did that. Good writing.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

Hi Shekinah,

What a different theme from the slush-pile of literary genres in this site. This is original in plot and idea and although the sci-fi element is obvious, even a sci-fi hater will not mind reading through it.
That's why I'm surprised why the book doesn't figure in the first 100 ranks - may be it will soon. No, I'm sure it will.
Actually there is no need to prove your skills beyond the eleven chapters posted here. Let the Editor ask for more.
All aspects of fine writing is evident and apart from a final edit, everything seems well-placed.
I have starred it highly and placed it on my WL soon to be shelved.

all the best

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

Terrific--nuf said--but I'll add gritty, gripping, caustic and hip, in case anybody else here has doubts as to whether they should read it!

Congratulations; quite able and impressive. I'll be back to read more--
E.R.

Wow this has been a fun read so far! I love the idea with Einstein’s brain, and the whole idea of ‘irradiated tuna’ is absolutely marvelous! So original with the sushi too… and it almost adds a comic tough to your novel. An excellent beginning to really catch the reader’s attention.

Your writing is polished, and the words read effortlessly off the page. This gives your work a fast pace and maintains the reader’s interest. Descriptions are lovely and original; I liked how the bottle’s ‘integrity’ broke down.

Nice change of scene in chapter 1 and you hook the reader at the end. You also have a good command of the dialogue – it is very natural and fits with the setting.

Can’t wait to see how the plot unfurls!

------

I hope you will find the following detailed comments useful if you’re making edits… I’ve been really picky about a few things, but feel free to take or leave it! You’re the author after all, and some of these comments are stylistic things. But it might give you another perspective on how something could be done : )

New para at ‘His eyes jolted up’ – If you end the previous paragraph ‘started screaming’, then you can build tension because the reader sort of ‘tumbles’ on into the next paragraph – when we actually discover what the reason for screaming is. This way, you have an entire paragraph for the chaotic scene on its own.

I think you mean for ‘It soaked up the radiation… dumped into the ocean’ to be in one paragraph, probably just typo/formatting.

Chapter 1:
First line, I’d put a full stop after ‘and the work sucks.’ Shorter sentence gives emphasis on the ‘sucks’. The rest can carry on as is.

‘People would say…’ I’d use a semi colon instead of a comma, because you want a longer pause before you introduce the list of things they said (and the list is filled with commas anyway)

Last para… I’d use a new para for ‘Then I heard the glass break….’ Same as my comment before in the prologue; you can build more tension this way, and put the action in a para of its own.

All the best, hope you found this useful!!

----
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction
----

What an accomplished and original piece of work, perhaps the most original I've read on the site. Much enjoyed, starred and on WL.

K J

“What a bag of bitches.”
I’ll have to use that more often in conversation.
Einstein? Zombie? What a bloody good idea. I liked the pitch and you have a very original voice. Actually, it’s a very original book. The style is very imaginative and is paced very well. Oh, I love the title also. Very clever.
It will be on the ED desk without a doubt.

Highly rated, 6 stars.

ALBERT: A GREY MATTER
This is an intriguing story, beginning with the journey of Einstein’s brain across a couple of continents. Your writing style is wonderful to read. I found myself chuckling and then finally laughing out loud the further into the story I read. I think you’ll find a waiting audience for this among people like myself who want a book to be both interesting and unique. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I very much enjoyed this story. Too many times, people on this site get so wrapped up in their critiques that they fail to absorb the story. That certainly was NOT the case her. great concept well played out. Congratulations.
Be Brilliant!
Skip Mahaffey
Adventures With My Father

A delicious read, with a very strong opening.
You’re writing flows well and you seem at ease with your writing style.
Our characters are first rate and add colour and dimension to your scenes.
A colourful dialogue with a staccato feel, that draws the writing on.
Good ending on your chapters lead you on to reading the next chapter
I enjoyed reading and would recommend.
Well done.

i read the first four chapters, my usual, i liked it, will star it well, i enjoyed the creativity,black humor, let's hear what einstein has to say, best way to do that is bring him back, hey, i like the human touches about einstein, his family, i actually like the piece most when it is away from the first person perpective, the improbable seems so much more possible when nature and the cosmos are bringing pieces of dna and radiation together than when i am inside a person's head who is reasoning if she should call the cops or not when a guy with no brains is standing before her, her reasoning seems too much like just a way to extend the plot line,in the third person it would be the bouncer then decided she wasn't going to call the cops and leave it at that, then it is just the way it happens, just a like tsunami hitting a train containing a piece of brain happened, none the less there is so much to laugh at here and much to think about, best wishes

Fresh, original and well-written. Not a lot more to say othr than a minor typo in ch3 'toward to door'.
Read the firs four chapters. Pace falls off a bit in 4 but that's okay - we all need to take a breath. One or two things in the weird premise don't quite fit for me - if he doesn't havea brain how can he communicate at all? But I'm not going to worry too much about that while I'm interested in the story. Particularly like how we get to see Riz's 'normal' world before Enstein arrives. Can't quite decide if the prolog works. Although it's a fun way of filling in back story and last sentence has real impact, it means we already know Riz is going to find E. at home. Maybe you could leave that as more of a surprise.
Congrats on a great idea well executed and all the best with it.
AliB
A Kettle of Fish

Right off the bat you have great pacing. It really interests the reader and is easy to read. Your voice really comes through with the word choice you use and how you describe things. Although I feel like you could cut that down, and make it simpler. It would really add the emphasis I feel you are trying to get across to the reader, without making it hard to read. Example: "..Even some strange old man with disheveled white hair, and what appeared to be an abundance of dandruff circulating around him.." It is a little much. Like you are over doing it, it's not a bad thing just something to look after and maybe you could consider combining the first and second paragraphs, since the first one is only one sentence. "I'm a glorified babysitter." Good line. I like it. You do a great job of telling the reader the story, but I don't feel like you are showing it. It feels like someone is sitting in an interrogation room, telling someone a murder story. There really isn't any other scene coming through and I am not sure if that is what you are going for or not here. "Pay dirt, I thought." I don't think you need the I thought part, most of the time when things are in italics it is because they are thoughts. Your dialogue is fine. It seems real enough. The sentence "Leather pants lady was not budging." Seems odd for your style of writing, it doesn't flow well with how the rest of your story so far. Maybe consider combining it with something? It seems after that sentence as well, your writing is becoming choppy and the reader is losing the point of the story. I would recommend reading through this out loud, I know it helps catch those mistakes our brains don't see the first time. It looks like this has potential though and I wish you the best of luck on getting to the Editor's Desk. Highly Rated.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

A BHCG Review

With all of my reviews I try to offer something constructive. I could gush, but most people near the top see a lot of that.

First, the concept is quirky and fabulous. Searching for Einstein's brain with a resurrected zombie suspends, then disintegrates, disbelief. Immediately the reader is forced to balance between the real world, the merely odd, the improbable, and the impossible. You juggle that balance very well.

Second, the writing is solid. Except, maybe, for forgetting "Chapter Two" at the top of Chapter Two. I'm not a grammar Nazi; I'll leave that to an editor if you reach one. But nothing jumped out at me. It looks very polished. You've received many great suggestions below. The prose is easily read. It flows well with Riz's point of view.

Characters:
Riz seems very cool and collected, given the challenges she's facing. For me, that creates an odd conflict with the craziness of the premise. The reader needs some sanity here. But not too much! You're asking the reader to believe in a radioactive zombie reconstituted from old DNA. The mouse of NIMH towards the end is a nice touch of irreverent. But for me, I really expect the quirky humor to come through in one of the other main characters.

It's as if I'm watching a Scooby Doo episode through the eyes of Velma. And she's off wandering around with Fred. I wish one of them would behave oddly, to reflect the weirdness of Einstein's presence. They are surprisingly patient and pretty rational.

Take that very subtle sense of humor and unleash it with a character that matches the insanity. Douglas Adams achieved balance with Arthur Dent and Trillian by pairing them with Ford and Zaphod. The craziness of the co-stars helped carry the reader along for the ride. You can believe the impossible when characters are equally impossible. Perhaps someone gets introduced in later chapters, maybe a wacky detective or scientist. I hope.

This is incredibly original in premise. Your descriptions are vivid. Einstein is a brilliant and quirky character. Riz and her brother seem a bit flat to me, only in comparison. Don’t change them, but It works best if there is enough quirkiness to offset them. I'm left hoping it gets really wild later on.

I quite like the premise, but I think you need a more startling start to the book, considering your premise.

One of the best starts I know of is Ernesto Sabato's "On Heroes and Tombs", which has a short police report on a murder, suicide and arson attack.

You then spend the rest of the book reading through, from two years before, to find out why the characters ended up like this and what happened to them.

Perhpas you might like to consider something similar, such as an autopsy note about Einstein's brain, and then work backwards, or forwards to that?

Dear mselan79

I'm feeling pretty laid back today and possibly rather cynical, so I think, yeah, I will take a quick look at this Einstein thingy...and you know what? It rocks! Without realising, I have actually read the best part of two chapters, and there isn't much I can say to fault it, so far.

Your plot looks like it is going to work; your scenes are well set and you seem to round them off well; your narrative is straight and gently twisting at the same time. Your heroine is feisty and fed up, your dialogue is believable. If this continues, I will have to admit that you have something good going on here.

Please tidy up the presentation a little and take care of typos - we all have them. But i get this, and I am pleased with it. Thank you.

From your straight laced cousin across the pond who likes the fact that she has found another good book to read. On my WL and starred.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

Well, I have to say, this is the craziest thing I've started reading so far! Extremely interesting...just thinking of Einstein slowly getting back together...that was interesting. Of course the sushi was gross. ;D But I was immediately pulled into your story! You do a very good job writing, and present the reader with a good experience. I've only read three chapters, but I plan on coming back for more! The only thing I noticed wrong, was the breakup in the narration. I'm assuming that's a formatting problem, and that you've already noticed.
Six stars! Will back when I have the space available! Good luck.

--Shieldmaiden

Great pitch. Sounds like it promises an interesting read. Where did you get the idea, may I ask?

A
Claws of Darness

Okay, finally got around to looking at this.

Chapter 3:
First[,] there was screaming[, t]hen breaking glass.
The description here is just hilarious. I don't know if you meant it to be that way, but I was laughing just the same.

Chapter 4:
...Bruce[,] the mailman...
The internal dialogue about a lack of zombie apocalypse is oddly natural, stylistically speaking.

Chapter 5:
We changed trains to the Red Line and [in] three stops...
"What do you need new, [S]is?"
"Hey, no. Bad Einstein." <-- great line.
The Diff Eq. professor is a little drunk when corrects. Sounds like some of my professors who get out the beer when it's time to grade.

Okay, the humor you have down pat. The only thing I could find wrong is the occasional picky grammar typo.

Original concept - well done.
Once comment you may or may not wish to take into consideration: I wanted to know more about the arrival of Albert, so found myself skipping past some of the exposition of your main character - therefore making it likely I'd miss something important. The tease in the first line is great, but maybe a few more breadcrumbs scattered through the first few pages would help - perhaps flick back and forth in time.
But, the writing is confident and the flow is good so please feel free to ignore me.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

All I really have to say is fantastic premise and excellent writing...backed with ease!

Laura
Beneath The Blossom Tree

This is a unique idea,.

There's humour in the realism and you've always got something to say in the prose that draws you in and makes you believe (eg: Alfred cackling in the bathroom).

Onwards and upwards!

Dear M.E.,

Quite an original story! I didn't expect Einstein to be a zombie-ish looking Einstein which lent chapter two a definite creepy element. I thought it was going to be more of a ghost and he would look the same. This Einstein was fresh from the grave, dusty and eye-less, yet still possessing the power of sight. It was awesomely creepy and I love that. I like the character as Riz and I could relate to her. I worked in those kinds of bars through part of my twenties in the dank places of Houston. I dealt with the lowest of the low and I remember the exhaustion. I could very well have seen Einstein in my apartment when I got home from work, too. Ha! Overall, great job. Big stars!

~Askival
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38264/askival/
Over eleven thousand teens vanish in one day. This is the story of where they went.

You captured the unhappy bouncer so beautifully. I can feel her pain so deeply. I might have to come back for the rest of the chapter see how she deals with the coke gals. The details are played out to add onto the scene in a powerful way. You did a nice job.

Riz's voice comes through strong in her senses. She uses them very effectively throughout to make her narration come alive. I'm already enjoying reading this from her perspective. The more prominent sense being smell. She really painted a picture with smell, from the hall smelling like double bubble to the fruity, musk smell of Yuro. It made the writing very engaging. You have an incredibly compelling concept. It made me curious and the way you delivered it in the pitch made me smile. I'm intrigued by your strong first chapter. I will keep reading. This is starred and going on my shelf here soon.

Hi, there – this is your BHCG review from AudreyB. As you may know, I am accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. Whatever you don’t agree with was likely her doing.

Well, I am already put out because you uploaded your book twelve days before I did, yet your rank is 52 and I’m very excited to be at 229. Impressive. But now I’m going to be extra snippy in my review. I’m not even sure I should apologize.

I have read this before. Have you posted to the FAT?

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum
First sentence tells me quite a bit while also disorienting me somewhat. Really? You can deal with a gray-haired man in your house? I would freak completely out. But I like it as an opener. I now know the narrator has been through some life.

I like how she explains her night at work to clarify why she woke with a headache.

The shift to the Japanese man is too much of a surprise. Perhaps a hint about him in the pitches? Nevermind. Maybe you could offer a bit of an intro to erase the reader's confusion.

But your imagination! Wow! I wish I could come up with plots like this. The third chapter is a gem of creativity.

Characters/Characterization
I like the way your MC develops in the first chapter. I get a picture of a woman too independent, probably based on some past hurts.
The way she reacts to him in the second paragraph doesn’t quite match her earlier remarks and her performance in the nightclub. She’s acting frightened. And this chick doesn’t scare easily.

Point of View/Voice
We’ve got a shifting POV here. It has worked so far.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader
In the first chapter I felt I was “listening” to a hard-boiled tough chick, but in the second chapter she becomes much more vulnerable. The style changed. And of course, the style changes again in chapter 3.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc
“…two years shy from being a dump…” The Hag thinks of would sound better than from.

“…being one of the sketchy scenes…” I had to read this twice to comprehend that you meant scene as in place. It may be an unnecessary stumble.

“I was rarely the one who tossed people out.” OK, the meaning is ever so slightly different from “I rarely tossed people out.” But you can add the meaning back by appending a ‘myself’ on the tail end. Much more direct. This whole paragraph suffers from its burden of passive constructions.

The next para, on the other hand, is very well done.

“Last night, I turned an abundance of people…” I think you can do better than ‘abundance.’ How would you characterize the people waiting to get into your nearly-skanky bar? A mob, perhaps. Or a gaggle. Abundance carries a connotation of wealth and positivity. Your bar patrons don’t fit this word. More verbs of being in this paragraph. You want wild, drunken, slurring verbs so your reader can smell the vomit.

“There had been three older women who had been frequenting….” OK, first, what the hell is an older woman? I’m 51, so I’m thinking, “Really? This bar attracts grandmas?” But I bet you didn’t mean that. I bet you meant that they are a few years past their prime and don’t get that their barfly acts have worn thin. The other problem is the verbosity. What about “Three women, a few years and maybe a tummy tuck or a liposuction away from their prime, frequented the bathroom that night.”
“…nodded my head to Ericka, as to say…” Did you want “as if to say” here?

The para where our hero helps out the half-Rican has way too many occurrences of ‘was.’ It’s an action-packed scene without any action in the verbs.

“…door jam…” should be “…door jamb…”

The Hag doesn’t believe the two blank holes (where Einstein’s eyes were) would be sitting on his face. She believes that the absent eyes left two endless holes behind on leaving.

“The vibration that shook the train…” doesn’t need a comma afterwards.

Chapter 3 provides a marvelous journey through your imagination, but contains far too many verbs of being. The cerebellum becomes human!! Surely that’s worth some big, juicy, active verbs!!

Dialogue
I don’t know many brother/sister combos who would talk to each other like this, so their conversation doesn’t ring true to me. That’s my quirk, not yours.

Originality
A very original idea. I can’t think of another book in which an historical figure comes for a visit. I admire your creativity and your imagination.

Publishability
The Hag believes you need a good editorial scrubbing. She’s like that though.

All the best to you,
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

I started reading and before I knew it, I'd read 8 chapters! First off, I'm tickled by the zombie/heist/road-trip idea, and the historical basis just adds another level. The characters and settings are nicely drawn. Riz and Michael have a believable sibling vibe with the way they banter and support each other. You've succeeded in making Undead Einstein lovable. I love his curiosity and fascination with the technology we take for granted. This really is the future! The radioactive brain stem that pulls his molecules together is rather a comic book mechanic but not too much of a stretch as long as you don't dwell on it. The story is the thing, and you've done well to just get on with it, without overmuch explanation.

I noted very few corrections, which are detailed below.

Ch 1
Riz, narrating, says, "I was five-foot-ten etc." This is not technically an error, but I wonder if it might read better as, "I'm five-foot-ten." You're using past-tense narration, but presumably she is still the same height at the time she's telling the story. Since she refers to "last night" and "this morning" there's an almost present-tense immediacy.

"What a bag of bitches," She said. "she" should not be capitalized.

mistook the vintage pinball machine as a urinal. (yuck) I would use "for" instead of "as"

Ch 2
Some stray hard returns mess with the formatting throughout this chapter.

door jam You want "jamb"

and more-so now than ever. This is kind of awkward. "now more than ever" might be better.

"I'm going back to bed." he said flatly needs a comma instead of a period after "bed"

Ch 3
It soaked up the radiation dumped in the ocean from the aftermath of the earthquake on the nuclear power plants. This is an awkward mouthful that might benefit from recasting. Something like: It absorbed radioactive material (or seawater?) from the tsunami-damaged nuclear power plants.

Ch 4
. . . a law was passed baring . . . you want "barring"

I'm not 100% convinced that the cab ride and panhandler really add much to the scene of going to the thrift store, especially if these characters don't come into the story. They add local color and realism, but they're given so much detail that I was sure they were going to be more important than they turned out to be. If she just walks to the store, it would wake her up and also allow her to observe that there is no zombie apocalypse in progress. (If she does meet the panhandler, she could sarcastically tell him she's in a hurry, she has to buy clothes for a dead man.) Still being hungover and maybe a little hungry, as well as cold and carrying bags, she might opt to take a cab home, though.

Ch 5
people on cells phones You want "cell"

loudspeaker should be one word

Ch 7
Eclectic dream I don't think this is quite the right word. Did you mean eccentric?

I'm not certain what was going on with the mattress. I think Riz dragged the futon off the frame, but it isn't completely clear.

Ch 8
You repeat the phrase "As we left Princeton" twice in quick succession, like maybe you meant to cut one of the references.

prior obligations to life. This sounds odd. "in life" might be better, or just prior obligations period.

They were leaving Princeton by car when Michael found the info about where the other pieces of the brain were, and Riz grabbed the phone to read it. Who was driving and did they pull over? They must have stopped because she asks Einstein to get out of the car, but up until then, as far as I knew they were still tooling down the highway. Yikes!

Overall, this is a fabulous idea and an enjoyable read. Well done!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

crit - you appear to have a double entry text in chapter 2;
sentence starting with the word--when he--
nein nein etc.

Fixed! Thank you. :)

gets my six stars with pleasure.

Much appreciated. :)

Hello M. E. Shekinah.

Albert ; A Grey matter'

inspired by true events, nice concept to work on, and got my attention M E.

read four chapters and then 8 and 9 of the eleven posted.

Found the read to me both interesting and intriguing and certainly full of originality.
you enlightened my mind as to the goings on in the night club as the female clients snort in the clockroom.
and Rex's difficulties with working there, in the low down club.

the flat or apartment is described so very well, i can feel the smells and see the squalor , as you lay it out in great detail for the minds eye to get the feeling of the place.

the appearance of Einstein on your couch has a nice touch of humour attached to it as the story really starts ot take off.
details of his life well re-seached and which if found to be most informative, and gives a feeling of involvement

all in all this is an excellent story and your book deserves it's rapid movement to the top

crit - you appear to have a double entry text in chapter 2;
sentence starting with the word--when he--
nein nein etc.

gets my six stars with pleasure.
tom bye
from hugs to kisses...
honoured if you could peruse some of mine and hopefully comment. thanks

That should say 3 chapters.

Well, on the basis of the 2 chapters i just read, it's easy to see why this has shot up the rankings so quickly. Right from the off it had my interest. Funny, absurdidt and slightyl surreal, while managing to avoid the self-consciously irreverent nature of writing that so many modern books fall prey to. A high concept book with quality writing to match. Also has the invaluable quality of probably being able to appeal to a broad range of readers, from fans of Douglas Adams, throught to fans of the likes of John Kennedy Toole. I have highly sterred and will be back to read more. You don't need my backing at the moment as much as the books on my shelf, but if you need it for a final push over the line at a later date let me know and i would be glad to have this on my shelf. It will probably find its way there eventually anyway.

Not my normal read but not bad so far

WOW!!! I love the way you mixed myth and history into something most anyone can enjoy. It was addicting and i red until i realized it was almost 1 in the morning! Good Story, Good People, and good EVERY thing. can't wait to see this make it to the top, because that where its heading.

Your writing is pretty good, clear and consise. Now, having to say that, you'll quickly lose your reader with too much backstory right at the begining. The general rule with the back story hold on it for the first three chapters. I know you want to build up on the events and how your main charater got to where she is right now, but you first have to orient the reader. In your opening paragraph you must give us answers to three questions. Where are we? What is going on? and Whose head are we in? (POV). But you jumped straight to the backstory and that pulled me right out. The momemtum of your story has to propell forward, not bakcward. So keep your backstory for later chapters where it would pack more emotional impact. Also, have a look at your opening chapter. Does it have anything to do with Einstain showing up in her living room? Other than the very ending? Can the story stand without this? If it can, then you don't need it.
As far as line edits, you seem to have that down path, but the main thing is the plot. If you have the scenes that could be deleted and the story wouldn't phase out, than do so. Or replace them with something that is propelling the plot, in antoher words build tension. Or you'll be spinning your wheels in the mud. Backing returned!

A very convincing narrative voice. Loved the pitch and the writing didn't disappoint. You start well, keep the reader's interest on the simmer and the whole thing bubbles along nicely. Tough tone and works well. I will be backing this one. Lara
A RELATIVE INVASION

A very original idea. Great story. Backed with pleasure.

I'm a child of the sixties. I read a book by an author back then--oh, I just can't remember his name, but it was a cult classic. Anyway, I see your novel as a college cult book, circulating on every campus in the english speaking world. I love your subtle humor. Nerry a typo. Great narrative prose. The dialogue is realistic. This novel is very imaginative. The use of first person, and moving to third person is well done. Kiwigirl does this well too. Nothing grammatically wrong. I moved through the read without a hangup. I'll put you on my WL at six stars. I have a few obligations on books until the end of the month, but then can move you up to the shelf.
All the best,
David

BHCG Review :

Plot – opening, narrative flow/momentum : So far, I’ve read the first two chapters. I definitely like the easy flow of the writing, the effective use of the first person POV, and the wild, quirky story that is developping here.

Pacing – too much backstory or too little : It flows well. There doesn’t seem to be anything out of place in this regard.

Characters/Characterization : Riz’s attitude about her job was great. I could really sense her disdain for her work, the clientelle and of all that.

Point of View/Voice : See above.

Style – very subjective but good to know if it works or not for the reader : Easy to read, which is a big, big bonus.

Sentence level – grammar, repetitive structure, wordiness, unneeded phrases etc : This is where I saw the most problems, but really, there are not so many. I had trouble with this sentence in chapter 1 : ‘It was at a pivot point and could…’ It just didn’t make any sense to me. So I thought of a suggestion (you can take it or leave it, of course) : ‘It was at a junction point—one step away from becoming one of those sketchy dives where the vagrants…’
Also, in chapter two, I thought you might consider condensing Riz’s process of accepting the reality of what is happening to her. It seemed long and repetitive, especially since every section seemed to follow the same pattern : name things that are absurd, then rationalize them. I get that there has to be some sort of process, but I think if you were able to condense the process or find subtle ways to make one passage different from the next, it might make it more effective. Another thing : she repeats numerous times, ‘I should leave.’ That also became redundant.

Dialogue : Good. I loved the conversation between Riz and her brother. Thought it was realistic.

Originality : Very much so.

Publishability : Can’t say.

So far, one of the most original books I’ve seen on authonomy and for that alone, I will back it. Nice job. :)

Not my genre but this works very neatly with an engaging central character, a nicely realised setting, a good hook to draw in the reader and a convincing voice. Only here and their the occasional sentence clunks with a missing or additional preposition, but it may be that the problem is that I lack an ear for the style. I'm not surprised you are doign well.

good luck.

Jim

I received your request to check out chapter 1. Hooked by your pitch, I went for it. In general, I think your opening works pretty well. The voice is world-weary, wryly humorous, seems to be somebody who knows what's what, with a story to tell. Right away, I want to know _how_ she "dealt with it." That set-up is intriguing enough that I will go with her through her shitty night at work in order to get to the payoff. And what a night it is! The life of a bouncer at The Vibe sounds as far from glamorous as you can get, and the excitement is all of the kind a normal person would want to avoid. Then you end with a cliffhanger, so anyone who has read that far almost has to open chapter 2 and read on.

It might be helpful to have one of the other characters address the protagonist by name relatively early on so we know who she is besides "I".

The only outright errors I noticed:
Yuro's voice isn't "gravely" (in a grave manner) but rather "gravelly" (like gravel).
Yuro, who's father . . . You want "whose." (But see below).

I would also recommend that when you introduce a character, don't stick a long description between the person's name and their action. This can lead to awkward sentences and derail the thread of meaning. Either let the character do their action, then follow with the description, or describe first, act second. Example: "Yuro, whose father was from Africa and his mother was from New York City, who referred to himself as Half-rican, was dealing with . . . urinal." Immediately prior to this, you give Yuro's name, as well as height, and hairstyle, so you don't have to repeat his name. Going on, you could say, "He referred to himself as Half-rican -- his father was from Africa, his mother from New York City. At the moment, he was dealing with etc." (The Half-rican joke would work even better if you said his father was from a specific country or city in Africa.)

You have a great idea here, and I plan to come back for more!

Karen Eisenbrey
ENDURANCE
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

AsI read the first chapters it occured to me that this is the story Preston & Childs would collaborate if they teamed with Jon Waters. The premise is outlandish - to the point of being a sci-lit spoof but it carries you along on blissful suspension of disbelief. I love it so far and admire the brain where it all was weaved together. Best of luck with this and let's see where it goes.
Jim Coplin

AsI read the first chapters it occured to me that this is the story Preston & Childs would collaborate if they teamed with Jon Waters. The premise is outlandish - to the point of being a sci-lit spoof but it carries you along on blissful suspension of disbelief. I love it so far and admire the brain where it all was weaved together. Best of luck with this and let's see where it goes.
Jim Coplin

What an interesting subject! The creativity and story is well thought out. I was half expecting zombie eating humans, as was the main character, I like the fact that you make fun of that point.

The editing seems right on, I usually spot a couple of small hiccups in most items I read on here but I couldn't really find anything wrong with the first 4 chapters that I've read. They were very enjoyable, I will be reading more! It's on my bookshelf! Good luck and take care,

Art

This is a BHCG review.
First of all, you have a very original voice, imaginative style and a quirky plot. I think the opening is excellent. I like the gritty quality of your protaganist - not an entirely sympathetic character and yet somehow gruffly appealing. She reminded me somewhat of Sara Peretsky's V.I. Warshawvski. Like Warshawski, I suspect this could be a very "bankable" character and that this book could be very saleable - I can imagine it becoming a sort of "cult read" among high school and college students.
The descriptions of Jarid, the bouncer and Harry, the landlord are equally vivid and appealing. I like the way you paint characters "warts and all" and do so with the minimum number of words. This is a feature of all your prose - very "compact" and yet packed with imagery. This is quite masterful. Your writing style is what I would term both economic and atmospheric - full of smells, sounds, tastes and feelings as well as the visual quality. You combine an odd mix of gritty realism, wild fantasy and humour and you mix beautiful or mundane images with grotesque ones - for example the pink bathrobe and the empty eye sockets. These incongrous juxtapositions are part of your charm.
The sudden change in Chapter 3 to Takayama Hirahisa took me by surprise and made me wonder where we were going with this, & then suddenly, there was the answer: both humourous and entirely unexpected.
I do wonder whether the sushi-brain thing is going a bit too far (it's certainly pretty gross!) but then your whole premise is so wild that maybe it doesn't matter - maybe anything goes! Your explanation of Einstein's presence and condition may be pushing (nay, bursting through) the boundaries of credibility & good taste, but it's certainly a more imaginative and intriguing explanation than just making him a ghost, which was my original assumption.
Nit-picking: I disagree with Kiwigirl's suggetsion that you switch "at a pivot point" for pivotal - I don't think pivotal would work in that sentence or convey the same meaning. However, I did wonder whether "threw himself into his education" would be better than "into his educational career" - to me "educational career sounds like he's a teacher or lecturer. If he's still at college that's his education. I also (& this is my personal quirk!) dislike talking about people dying as "they passed", and to me it reads oddly when you are so blunt and gritty in all else you describe - why not just say he died? However, I know Americans do tend to use these euphemisms more than we do ( & some Brits say "passed away" too) so maybe it will read fine to a US audience - it just reads awkwardly/ oddly to me that you describe empty eye sockets & sushi-d brains, but shy away from calling death, death....
Over all I think this book has a lot going for it, you have a remarkable style and a highly imaginative concept. I think it could go far & I have backed it. Good luck!

Witty title, and great pitches. This sounds like it's going to be an entirely original and highly entertaining book. I'll read on.

First chapter has too much back story too early on. I almost started skim-reading. Glad I kept with it though. Once the scene's back in the nightclub, it comes to life.

Chapter two is utterly engrossing and weirdly convincing. Chapter three is glorious fun. Chapter four makes me want to read the rest of the book, but I can't right now so I'll pop it on my shelf instead.

General impression: do something about the info-dump in chapter one. Cut it right back. The rest is fabulous.

Hey, this is a BHCG review
First off, wow. Your book was only uploaded on the 11th August 2011 and already you’re at number 150? That’s really awesome, good on you!
Ok down to business...
...Dammit.
(Twenty minutes later!)
Normally I do pretty in-depth critiques of BHCG embers, but you left me little to pick at. Honestly, this is the first BHCG review I have done where I am unable to dissect the writing into something I consider better. Sure, there are some sentences I re-wrote in my mind, but only to suit my own style and nothing that would improve upon your story. I can see why you have come so far so quickly.
Chapter one is fantastic. You have a unique style, slightly jerky but effective and you weave the humour in subtly. I think the best authors are those with their own voice rather than the same-style-different-words kinds of authors and you are definitely one of the first. Chapters 2, 3, 4 etc...all great. I envy your imagination.
One thing – ‘It was at a pivot point’ – I wondered if pivotal would sound better here. That is such a teensy tiny thing to point out I know but it was the only thing I could find!!
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read this, Hope to read the rest sometime :-)
Tammy

A BHCG Review

ALBERT: A GRAY MATTER
M. E. Shekinah

The first chapter of this story got so intense that I forgot the beginning where the intruder was apparently Einstein. Then, your last sentence at the end of the chapter brought that back into focus. Very clever device.

Your writing is so filled with colorful characters and strikingly intense action, I was really into it. You have done a great job with the setting without it becoming only that. It was more like it was laced into the action and I am going to reread it to try and discern just how you did that. Good writing.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

You have an interesting intro here and leave with the door open to the next chapter . I am intregued by the situation but the characters lack something vital and that's what the story needs , vitality . IT Didn't really grab my imagination though I BELIEVE IT IS WELL WRITTEN. not everyones cup of tea but a good catchy plot so it should sell well - thanks and I hope that you can have a look at my books and perhaps back or rate some - goodluck !!!

Hey Shekinah, I will have to be frank. I loved the way you gave me the intro of your book in the message and had a look. Looks an interesting script. Will read more. Backed it and added it to my watchlist.

Raghava

Great first chapter. Putting this on my shelf. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown,
Sue50

Incredibly inventive plot and captivating style. As preposterous (and entertaining) as the circumstance is, the characters come to life very believably.

A nice bleed of humor and the surreal. Nice to have the genre not take itself too seriously for a change. Well done!

good book. brilliant idea...and the choice of the first person narrative was the right one...perfect descriptive style brings that famous brilliant into view...has a great feel...should be published...
on my watchlist...six stars...
read SEASONS...

This is wonderfully unique! Very enjoyable and highly imaginative. I like it! Backed and starred. Jedward (French Roast and Lingerie)