Deshay of the Woods (The Demon's Pendant 1)

Phil,
Revisited your book and noticed the finesse. You've certainly buffed it up to a high polish. Rooted for Matthew as far as I could, given the lack of additional chapters I hope to read when the book is published. As before, your narrative is vivid and descriptive, your dialogue true to character. Thank you so much for the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

A great book you have done. I am giving it seven stars.

I'm busy reading your work. Have gotten to Chapter 6 and will continue tomorrow. I'll comment more once I've read through everything you posted here. Thanks. Q

Phil,

I found you on the lending library forum thread and I have to say the pitch sucked me in - so that can't be bad! :)

I enjoyed reading this. The chapters are a nice length (I read the prologue and first two chapters for now).

I really don't have a lot of coment to make. I think your character interactions are believable and yoru prose flows easily. There were a few edit issues for me, more about where you can cut out words rather than anything drastically wrong eg 'metal coins'...coins are metal as far as I'm aware so if it's nodifferent then you don't need to mention it and in ch 2 when talking about the lady's hair 'spilled from the top of her head past her shoulders...' how about just 'spilled past her shoulders', we know hair comes from the head.

There were a few others but I don't really look for editing when I'm reviewing, I focus on whether I enjoy what I read and it flows easily enough.

I think you have a strong premise here, I think your pacing is good (what little I've read) and your characters are likeable. I also think it could do with an edit when you are not so close to it you can't see the issues. There were a few sentences I would have put the other way around but that is possibly preference.

I enjoyed, thank you

Danielle

Hello Phil,

After reading the prologue and first chapter, I have no advice or criticisms for you.

...Which, if you think about it, isn't a bad thing!

I'm officially a fan of yours, the way you write is descriptive and expressive without being telling and condescending. That is a real talent these days!

The conversations between the characters is tense, jovial and even frightening at times. You've got something wonderful here and rest assured that I will return to read up to the end of chapter fourteen! This deserves to make the ED and I will back you for the start of June!

Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

Came back for another read and to say congratulations on your rise to the desk. Great writing! With a bit of luck, maybe Deshay won't be hidden in the woods any longer but on store shelves!

SW
Devil Went Down

a captivating read! I can't wait to read more, 5 stars and backed!

I found this to be an interesting,engaging and atmospheric story. The chase in the opening scenes set the tone and was descriptive in its undertone of foreboding, it had good pace. I would say be careful of "telling" us, "show" us instead in some instances. Over all a very good read highly rated. Best wishes.

Colleen (Demon Rising)

Phil - I tend to shy away from stories with such unusual character and place names. I have a hard time keeping the characters straight. Because of this I'm kind of excluded from the world of fantasy.
Aside from those things you have a strong and interesting story going on here. The world is fleshed out and you introduce its intricacies gradually as opposed to the heavy handed exposition dump common to works of fantasy. I tip my hat to you on that.
Your characterization is good as well. The long lost love at the core of the two mains is exciting and engaging.
I observed very few grammatical faults. The ones I did see were just a matter of personal preference and not actually incorrect in any way (in Alexandria's flash back for instance. I think "Alexandria "had" continued with her stubborn silence" would keep it clear that we are still in the flashback since it's a new paragraph). But that's just nitpicking on my part.
Highly starred and should do well.

MLDotson
The Good and Bad - Evil creatures exist. God wants them dead.

I've so far only read the prolgue, but it's already pretty great and I can't wait to start reading more of it :) and once I've read the whole book I will give another, more detailed feedback for you

Very well writing, and imagination with full of acivities. Atmosphere and tention. Realltion of all sorts, mother and baby, girl and boys love, father worning her to avoid his anger. How can you thing of so much together and bought it in. More then anuthing a fantacy world too.Wotche and demon, preys on the men with enticing with beauty. Your imagination is superb. Weldone well rated 5 stars.

Hi Phil,
I really enjoyed reading this book - full of atmosphere and tension. The narrative flows well and I was swept along with the fantasy. Backed.
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

Phil,
I read this awhile ago and took a fresh look. Really good writing. Your goal is to be published,,and it is easily do-able. Engaging characters and setting. THe language is descriptive and really holds the reader's attention. Nice job, it is only a matter of time
Wagid62
SERVED COLD

Read the first three chapters and the prologue. I really like this! As an avid reader of fantasy I'm always looking for something different, and I found this to be engaging and atmospheric read. The writing is clear and rather than overwhelming the reader with information you reveal it graudally, which helps to create a convincing and fascinating fantasy world. I really like the spooky atmosphere you create, and I'll definitely be reading more- I think I might have to take something off my bookshelf to make room for this!
Emma

Good begining, well written, im going to read more later

Why haven't I read this before? I've been missing such a lot. The pace is excellent, the sense of threat and foreboding quite electric, and the atmosphere vivid.
Most of the narrative is extremely clever - though I do feel a few brief cuts here and there would speed it along with even more excitement.
Just a small example - Ist chapter, end of 2nd paragraph, maybe stop after - "incantation." The quivering lips are a bit drippy - and we will know it worked if you start the next parapgraph with "Her SLEEPING babe in her arms ---" after all, the reader does not need every detail explained - presumably we aren't that young!
I found the "heavy leather boots" over described as well. And after all - we know her heart won't be pounding on the OUTSIDE of her ribcage. These are very small points - but a few cuts like this would really increase the quality. (Only my opinion).
But I love it. I have read two chapters so far and have every intention of reading more tomorrow. In fact, I don't think I can put it down. Highly starred.

Powerful !

Very good beginning Phil. I look foward to seeing this into a complete novel. You are very descriptive in your words. Your talent shines through your work.

Best wishes,
Chipper Newman

Hi Phil,
I read the prologue and first chapter, and this is an enticing read. First, I love the short chapters--I like writing short chapters myself in hopes that the reader will think he or she can always read just one more ... until they've devoured fifty pages. Great stuff. Second, the Gant character is awesome, a warrior with a big tough exterior who's downing drink after drink to deal with his inner terror, and I love the way he can't even leave the bar in a straight line, banging into tables. A brute, but a great character. And finally the mysterious supernatural woman/creature from the woods. Succubus? Witch? Demon? Doesn't matter--you've got me--and I hope others--hooked. Imagine if a witch could really appear before us in a form that is most beautiful to the beholder? We'd all be dead meat, wouldn't we?
One question about Finnegan--when you were talking about his awful odor--I didn't understand how the rodents near his home contributed to that unpleasant odor he carried around.
I'm giving this six stars and if I get a chance to back you when you most need it, I will. Right now, I don't have a space but that could change anytime.

Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

I read this a while ago, but i only read a few chapters, i've only just returned to reading this, and started from the beginning to refresh my memory and it's even better than i remembered!
The prologue was compelling and i just couldn't stop reading as Dahlia met her awful end. I think you've alternated between the various characters' view points brilliantly and it really adds drama to the story. Alexandra and Mathew are great protagonists and i think the updates you have done on this novel really do those 2 characters justice. Deshay is also very well written and extremely menacing. I think the contrast between Fin in the past and present is really well demonstrated and Alexandra's relationship with her uncle is very intriguing.
The dialogue is fits with the setting and your descriptions are detailed and vivid enough for the reader to picture themselves in the midst of the plot with the characters.
The only criticism i have is that the dialogue in the pub in chapter 1 was a little confusing at times and in later chapters it was difficult to gain a sense of time as when Alexandra spent time with Mathew before visiting her uncle, in one chapter it said it appeared to be late afternoon, and then in the next, which covered these two same events it said it was late morning and then when she arrived at her uncle's it was twilight/night timewhich was a bit confusing.
Aside from this, Deshay of the woods is a very well-written manuscript that is extremely polished and has a fluid style of writing.
Congratulations on a wonderful job.
Best of luck with this.
Highly starred and added to my wl until a space becomes available on my shelf.
Amy :)

Hi Phil,
I have just cleared all my books from Authonomy and posted a new work, Hellion 2. There are issues within this work that I am most anxious to get right. Would you please take a look and let me know if there is anything that you feel might cause offence, regarding the holocaust.

many thanks

Cyrus

Hi,

As promised I took a look at your manuscript. First of all i must say I am not a big fantasy fan and prefer a more realism to my books.

Having said that I really enjoyed your fluid style of writing. The manuscript seems pretty polished already.

Lines like 'her agonised scream mingled with the sound of crunching bones' is right up my street. As suggested this is not something I would read normally but can clearly understand it's popular postion on authonomy.

Well done and best of luck!

Graeme

Excellent read!!! Give me more!

Hello Phil,
You asked me to take a look at a comment you received not long ago to get a second opinion on the validity of it. I have seen evidence of ulterior motives from this person, so I share your suspicions, and the example you gave me is pretty telling in and of itself.

I agree with her thoughts on the prologue, but you mentioned that you've already cut it down a bit (I hope to check that out later). She seems more eager to lecture you on the world of publishing rather than elaborate on the feedback she provides. She is also not completely correct about Blond not being a noun. It is a noun when referencing a male with blond hair.

If all of that is her honest opinion and she truly isn't just looking for items to nitpick, then I don't agree with most of it. Keep in mind, I am not a top selling author, but since she has no book or link to materials on her profile, I can guess that neither is she.

I wouldn't worry. You are a talented writer and there will always be someone who doesn't like what you produce no matter how good you get. What I notice most of all is that she doesn't elaborate on everything and she doesn't offer many suggestions for improvement. Any author worth his or her salt would know how to conduct a more helpful review.

But that's just one old fart's opinion.

Ty Bean

Hey, speaking as an average reader I think this is well written and exciting and it's average readers who buy books! Some real rubbish gets published. A lot of the books on here are better than anything in my local library.

I read the prologue, I found it wordy and too long.

I read the first chapters but couldn't get interested even though the dialogue was fairly good.



The story is well-written apart from a few errors, an oxymoron for instance: "A howling breeze." Your sentence structure needs working on though.

Chapter one was about a conversation between drunks. The sighting of a witch in the forest was confusing, and uninformative, it did not arouse my curiosity, it was probably Alexandra.

By the way, Blonde is a noun, Blond is the adjective.

If you reach the editor's desk you will be just as disappointed as hundreds of others who have "found" their way there. You will not receive a publishing contract - except for a POD one. Reaching these dizzy heights is no recommndation, it never was and never will be. You are being judged, graded and commented on by beginner authors under the same delusion as yourself.

The majority of these "authors" have no idea how to write.

Your attempt is not bad for a beginner, but not ready for publication, even if this genre is popular enough to attract an agents attention. As you have had no offers yet, it means you aren't going to get one here.

My advice is to read more, a lot more, but not in this genre.

Read Iain Pear's "Stone's Fall", after which I suggest you try your hand in first person tense.

Do you think you could write this story in first AND third person? Who would be your main characters?

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavour.

Ok, so after reading the prologue, I am definitely backing this book. I love how you show that Dahlia loved her child so much that she would sacrifice her own life like that. It shows the great power of the bond between mother and child.

I also love how its mysterious enough to keep you reading and wanting to see what happens next. You describe whats going on so well and it leaves me wanting to read the rest. This is a really good start and I look forward to getting to the rest.

Best,

Daylin Eaton
(The Chronicles of Tyson Jenkins: the Witch Sisters)

Phil moved you from the watchlist to my shelf. Tension filled hooks to draw me in and believable and convincing characters to keep my interest. Chapter two is clearly character development for Alexandra and her world. The transormation for Matthew was quite good too. I'll give it a closer editing between adding and editing the final chapter for "The Devil Of Black Bayou".--JL

This is awesome! Seriously! How is this not published? I read 4 chapters and ran out of time but I plan on being back to read more. well done!

I'm back for another four chapters. Your writing is pretty clean. What I've noticed is pretty much what others have brought up. The story starts with a tension filled scene and you really nailed that. You do a good job of building the village and the surround woods, giving a real sense of place to the story..And your characters are starting to really flesh out. That said, after the first scene, the story takes a long time to get anywhere. The journey is worth the effort, but in today's publishing market, it may be a hard sell. I hope to come back for more soon.

Second chapter isn't quite as thrilling, but it is very interesting still. It adds to the development of your story. The names you chose are good and creative. I enjoy different names!
Your styles is still creative.
Hope to read more again.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

This is a very thrilling eerie book to be sure.
The pace is fast, drawing the reader in to see what is going on and what will happen. Your descriptions add so much to your first chapter to add that eeriness to it. The style of your writing is very professional.
The title and pitch are very good.
It is all exciting!
Good work.
I will surly come back to read more.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds, when you have a moment to spare. :)

A beautifully paced, thankfully not description-overloaded book filled with fascinating characters. I feel like I'm in World of Warcraft when I read it- and I've never before been a fan of WoW. The characters come alive, and make you care about them. A great read- and I hope the second book comes out soon!.

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. When I read your pitch, I knew this story was familiar. I had backed it a few months ago, but was more than happy to read it again. I'm not usually a fan of prologues, but it works very well here as your first chapter starts off in a new time and with new characters. It's also great how you tie them together so it doesn't feel like the prologue is separate from the rest of the story. I'm a big fan of expositions in taverns, because it's a great intimate setting and fits wonderfully into any fantasy. I'm still a big fan of this novel and hope to see it do well!

I found the start had a good flow and continued throughout the prologue. The pace was good also through the following two chapters. From the start the descriptions were very good and continued throughout. Dialogue was good and flowing. All in all I enjoyed the small parcel of this story that I read. I am interested to see where this tale goes so will return when I have a little time. It reminded me in parts of the Dark Tower Series and I thought the world you have conjured would of fit in well with that. very enjoyable and highly rated.
Christian

Hi Phil,

I have just finished chapter four and will read on tonight. I honestly didn't think this would be my type of book but how wrong I was. This is brilliant. I have loved what i have read so far. I'm not great on critiquing, I don't consider myself qualified to. So my opinions are simply as a reader. Based on that I was compelled to read on.
The prologue where Alexandra is left in the woods with nothing but a pendant is mesmerising, it has a fairytale like quality to it.
The first chapter set the scene intoducing me to the dangers that still exist in the woods years on. Reading on I know that the townsfolk are banned from magic that a law has been passed by the king. Yet they all like to talk about magic and rumours of witches and scare themselves silly. The converstaion in the tavern prepared me for Matthew's experience in the woods. You describe everything so well.
I loved how the witch changes to the onlooker. She essentially becomes every mans fantasy. Her blonde manisfestation transforms to a raven haired beauty for Matthew, you are so very creative. When I finish writing this I want to read on to find what happened to Matthew after the loosing consciousness.
The next chapter we meet the baby all grown up, Alexandra is still wering the necklace and gives us some description as to the power it holds. Yet I noted the warning the monk gave, that it could become an evil thing at any time.
Finally the elememt of romance, young lovers separated for 8 years but still thinking of each other. This was written so well from both Matthew and Alexandra' perspectives. I hope they meet up and that nothing has happened to him.
I struggle to understand why this book hasn't been published, I genuinely found it fantastic. I am awarding this with full stars as I could find no fault. You have written an excellent page turner and I wish you every success with it.

The only tiny, detail that I noted was that you described the book as young adult, I think this could be an adult book. In the tavern one of the men mentions 'a hump' lol. Also I was expecting something more 'teenage' and instead I found a book that is up there with one of my all time favourites 'The witches Trinity'. Basically if I was in a book shop and saw young adult I would walk on by and I would miss out.
A huge well done this is a marvellous read and I am going straight back for more.

Jayne (gjas78)

Hi Phil,

I love this book. I’ve read three chapters and would happily read a whole lot more. It definitely deserves a visit to the editor’s desk.

As I said, I’ve only read three chapters, but I’ve made a few notes for you on those. All of this, of course, is only my opinion. Feel free to toss it in the bin if that’s where you feel it ought to go. The way I work, is that I note a portion of a sentence at the start of each point. If you word search for this set of words, you’ll be able to see the sentence that I’m discussing. Also, as I tend to write quite a few notes, it might pay to copy this onto word and then print it out, so you can work through it more easily.

Ch 1 (These are all Authonomy chapter numbers, so this is your prologue)

1) ‘The demon named Biehl’
Your opening sentence could pack a real wallop if you removed ‘named Biehl’. Then, in the next sentence, you could begin with ‘Biehl’ instead of ‘It’. That gets the demon’s name in very neatly and keeps the whole thing tight.

2) ‘chased her now, the one’
Put a semi-colon after ‘now’.

3) ‘Quieting Alexandra had been difficult.’
This tense is awkward. In the sentence before, you say Alexandra is screaming. In the next you say it had been difficult to quiet her – but she’s screaming, so she hasn’t been quieted. It works itself out in a few more sentences, but to avoid initial confusion it might be better to say ‘was’ instead of ‘had been’.

4) ‘bosom off rhythm with’
Comma after ‘bosom’
‘off rhythm’ should be ‘off-rhythm

5) ‘heartbeat as if it’
Comma after ‘heartbeat’

6) ‘Dahlia became overwrought…’
I can’t follow this sentence.

7) ‘ “Biehl,” she gasped’
Would she look back at the oak? That’s a dead give-away that she’s hidden something there. Maybe you could say ‘checking the instinctive urge to look back at…’

8) ‘fiery red eyes that fixed on its prey’
Remove ‘that’

9) ‘Her heart pounded’
This paragraph might be a bit too long. Maybe it should be pared back to one or two key sentences. Maybe something like:

‘Her heart pounded against the inside of her ribcage as her lungs struggled to keep up with the pace of her breathing. Her legs cramped. But she did not stop… could not stop.

Dahlia nearly tripped when hot breaths touched her back. She darted left, then right, frantically trying to evade the creature.’

Ch 2

1) ‘the man sitting across from him named Eldron was’
‘named Eldron’ tends to make the sentence weak and throw the reader out of the story.
Maybe try: ‘Eldron, sitting across from him, was’.

2) ‘from across the tables’
‘tables’ should be ‘table’

3) ‘At some point in, Jonah’
Remove ‘in’

4) ‘His grandmother even mentioned’
Wrong tense. Should be ‘His grandmother had even mentioned’

5) ‘Hoot owls also made’
Remove ‘also’

Obviously these are just my thoughts, but I hope at least some of them are useful to you. This is a great book with a good pace and narrative style. I really enjoyed the read.

Sue

As Stephen King states in his book on writing, it can be a challenge for authors to find that happy medium as far as descriptive writing goes. Too much and/or too little, it's hard sometimes to know what's right. It's an individual judgment call.
Personally, I think your descriptions' are right on. I can feel and visualize Dahlia's fear and desperation as she attempts to elude the demon Biehl and the heart wrenching scene as Dahlia hides her baby Alexandra in the hollowed out oak tree practically brought tears to my eyes.
Your story engages the reader at the get go and maintains that hold and flows splendidly. I can find nothing to nit-pick, great job.
Sincerely, Quinn

Your story has captured me and brought me along, and your writing is very flowing, and I find myself inspired.
I love a mysterious dark tale, fantasy or anything like it, with magic, and so far as I have read, it starts to roll along and become more exciting. I am hooked and will be reading more wondering now what happens to the little child.

Once I started on the story proper I loved this. It's brilliant, it flows and the pacing is perfect, you create a complex world and attractive characters and it all seems effortless. There is so much detail that it is totally believable but it doesn't slow the story down. I couldn't stop reading and got to ch. 5.
My only reservation is parts of the prologue. It's just odd little things but they kept jerking me out of the story. It seemed to try too hard. This may seem a bit cheeky but the things that bothered me were: 'overwrought with numbness' maybe either overcome with numbness or just overwrought. I didn't like the pits or the warbled cry and the heavy breaths of air warmed her back sounded a bit cosy when she was just about to be eaten. Also having ruptured her organs is clinical rather than horrific.
Once the story starts it's fantastic as gripping as any of the top best selling published ones. six stars and on my watchlist to back when I can.

Wow really loving it so far. I immediately connected with the characters and the whole story. I honestly was thinking I hope Dahlia doesn't die. I can't wait to get to the other chapters, the only thing I would say is when you said "But she did not stop...couldn't stop." you should put could not stop instead. It will emphasize how important it was that didn't stop moving. You emphasized it by saying she did not stop instead of didn't so you need to carry through.

Hi Phil,

Very intriguing prologue - great hooks. I am excited enough to want to read the rest, and find myself guessing at the child's fate - or, rather, hoping is a more appropriate word. And wonderful storyline too, I must commend that!
Besides basic editorial problems like grammar (though hardly ever), I found it flowing very well. You could perhaps try alter your sentence structures as appropriate to what they're describing - longer sentences when Dahlia is resting and trying to leave her child, and shorter (even one word) sentences during the final chase. Especially in the chase scene: it would create some more movement and a faster pace.
But this is a choice of style, and if you choose not to change it, it remains a good work.

Sincerely,

Hi, Phil, Your book is really great! It hooks you from the very beginning and it’s not that easy to stop reading. I like your very energetic start and promising chapter endings – true bridges to following chapters. “Sometimes stories even contained whispers of magic” – I find it wonderful!
I like your pace. It’s up to the matter of narration of this or that chapter. Your images are bright and lively. But to be helpful, I have to write something that probably could be taken into consideration…
Prologue:
“…but Dahlia’s trained eyes could navigate (why not simply: “see”?) well enough.” Of course, every language is developing, words acquire new meanings, nevertheless, as to my mind, “navigate” is not the proper word here.
Only a witch or a b… could leave her child with such dangerous thing as that pendant, which assumingly feels its master and we are brought to think the master feels it too…
If I were you, I’d feel an urging necessity to prolong the time and distance from the oak hole to the “boulder”, otherwise your demon has to lose all its senses not to find the hide.
Chapter I: I like it, as a necessary prologue to next chapters. Dialogues are lively and personally coloured.
Chapter II:
“… he would no more speak to Matthew than he would (to ?) anyone else.”
I hardly imagine ten- or even eight-year old “…necklace woven out of dried grass.” Nevertheless, if he was still wearing it,”… looping his finger around it” every now and then, it wouldn’t be bad to pay our special attention to a magic origin of that thing.
“If a man of Gant’s size and state…” (constitution ?)
“His grandmother even referred to (why not simply: “mentioned”) those woods women…”
“The amount of ale he had consumed…” (“drunk” ?)
Of course, it’s just my point of view, my vision and you are NOT obliged to change a comma if you’ve written it purposely.
Best of luck!
Val But
Escape

hey Phil,
So i'm rereading the first couple chapters like you asked me to. firstly, i have to say, I don't agree with some of the suggestions in the last few comments. yes, some sentences could be improved, but the tempo is great. the wood puppet thing doesn't make sense and is nitpicky to the point that working out descriptions to that degree could ruin the quality of the work. you don't want it overdone but you also don't want it a skeletal story with no depth.

showing why the king banned magic? don't do it. maybe its cuz I've read ahead, but that would be going off story and you don't want to do that.

i dont know. I think some folks are getting too nitpicky. many of the sentences they're saying to rewrite are fine but maybe don't read like the way they write? I don't know. Just my opinion. you'll do what's best, i'm sure.

i hope i was helpful.
good luck! you have a fantastic story. If it doesn't speak to everyone, that's just how it is. no one book does.

Paul J

Hi Phil,

Sorry for taking a while to look at your chapters! I think you've had some positive, insightful comments already. If I get the grammar issues out of the way first, I'll give an opinion on the story itself. There are a few sentences which I think would benefit greatly from some light re-wording or re-structure:

Matthew couldn't help listening to the loud conversation, and shushed his friend Jonah. Don't need any more wording than that.

The tavern patrons were good for stories, and Matthew thought he'd heard them all. End the sentence here, then . . . (From tales about Cave Apes within the nearby mountains, to the colossal under-earth Diggers).

I don't understand - his ponytail bobbing like a wood puppet - I get the meaning, but since wood is solid material, it's not an effective similie.

Why did King Aemon banish magic? It might be more interesting to show this as a separate scene.

Roddy says 'The witch I'm talking about' before he's made any obvious reference to a witch - 'Witches are ugly . . . The woman I saw was a goddess.'

Consider - Matthew kept quiet, preferring not to be ridiculed, as he couldn't help wondering if the story was true.

I'm not usually a fan of horror, but you have lots of interesting characters and plenty of foundation to move the story forward. As Valerie wrote, my largest issue is with your cadence and flow of words. It's very well written overall, I didn't have any major distractions. However, there are certain sentences, which I feel get a bit too long/descriptive for their own good.

The dialogue is excellent and given more time I'd like to read more. The witch reminded me of Galadriel (from Lord of the Rings) and The Water Witch (from Beowulf). I hope she shows up and has a much bigger part in the story. I can't see where this is going, so I think that's a good thing. It has many traditional fantasy elements without coming across as copycat.

Definitely an entertaining read, how it would fare in such a crowded market, I can not say. There's a lot of potential here and you have a similar style of writing to Raymond E. Feist for one.

Good luck,

Ben

Here is my review on Deshay of the Woods Prologue and Chapter One:

You have a good story in mind here from reading the Prologue and Chapter one.

My largest issue is with your cadence and flow of words. You'd pull me in and then I felt like I was stumbling and ended up distracted by the sentence and pulled back out of the story. I had huge issues (And still cleaning them out in Sakugen) myself, so I think this is why it stuck out so heavily. I tried to grab parts that I felt I could clarify what I mean by this.

Prologue:
A few sentences were confusing to me and I had to stop and re-read. Like the Fiery eyes part. I recommend restructuring it to read more like "the Hound's red fiery eyes focused on its prey". The way you have written it pulled me out of the story. Take your time and play with this.

Chop out some describing words in a few places to help your visual's hit harder as they are read. For example, "Like a huge vice" and take out terrible. The reader already knows the demon, the hound is a terrible thing at this point so it's not needed. When you read it with just huge vice it visually hits harder and allows a smoother flow into the next line.

I also recommend making this your first Chapter. I saw you marked this for Young adult, and if this American YA it seems like a common thing that the kids seem to skip anything labeled Prologue, Foreword and so on. I see nothing wrong with this being your chapter to pull them in and then jump to chapter two (Your current Chapter One) with the tavern scene. It's a good lead in.

Chapter One:
Cadence needs a lot of attention, restructuring and chopping will help here a lot.

Good example is rewording the sentence to say " Hard not to know loudmouth Roddy." Flows quicker and more to the point and helps cadence.

"Matthew ignored Jonah's jabbing glares." Short and to the point, play with it and see what you can do.

Another sentence seemed to repeat the message a bet. Matthew [once] loved. Not anymore part. Dropping the once then lets the "Not anymore" hit harder in how the reader feels Matt is feeling.

Gant's slurs and accent I recommend dropping. I discovered after experimenting with readers that they were pulled out of the conversation and get distracted when reading phonetics. Adding slurring and British accent and so forth has a far smoother effects and makes the reader drag the story into their mind more by doing so.


One thing that helped me a ton was reading some of my favorite writers, such as Neil Gaiman, Robin Mckinley and so forth. They have a great way with words and keeping it to the point. It also helps pushing the chapter to the side and read and critique a few others.

I know recently I did this. Frustrated that I couldn't see anything wrong with my Chapter One I set it to the side, read some Neil Gaiman, critiqued and read some other people's stories and when I printed it and looked at it again... I red penciled it a ton. And when I was done I could read it much smoother and had a better hit with my Beta readers.

Take your time. The Impeccable Editor has a some good examples of rewording and tweaking a sentences~ Lots of examples of what I am trying to recommend.

Hope this helps out ~! Let me know when you edit these and I will give them another try and let you know~!
Valerie W.
http://www.authonomy.com/writing-community/profile/me/

Four chapters in and I'm enjoying this story greatly. I'm not sure how I feel about knowing that Matthew and Alexandra both still are stuck on the other. It takes some mystery away for me. Still, I'm thinking that as you go, Alexandra will be put off by her love interest's enrapture with a demon. I noted some small issues with grammar and spelling, which I'll bring to your attention later. Nothing here is off-putting, but a second pair of eyes never hurts. Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

This is my genre of read. Sorry for the long wait.
Prologue
The prologue opens in an interesting way. I honestly wondered how a crafty high demon like Biel (as the Hound) could miss a baby hidden in a tree log filled with some leaves but I guess there might be a magical reason to it. I feel curious about Alexandra's future.
Ch1
Matthew's pov is very internal. There's a lot of description about his environment, the rowdy discussion on the nearest table... we get a good sense of where the story is headed. Might be there is, in my humble opinion, too much descriptions about the physical changes in characters that speak like Gant (details that could be trimmed out eventually, to leave some for the reader's imagination). However they do not steer the progression very much. Interesting distinction between witch or mage. Jonah is grinning/smirking way too much, haha. The entire scene passes without a word explicitly out of Matthew's voice, making it feel a bit too centered in Matthew's head IMO.
CH2
I had in mind to write about the transition between the scene before and this one... Because it's happening in the same place, it feels awkwardly jumped in a subtle sense. Nice thing going with how the strong warrior Gant is sheepishly dominated by the woman demon. I laughed when the Deshay said, ''We are not alone.'' and winked at Matthew behind his tree. That was funny, poor guy.
CH3
Again you give superb details on the characters' inner lives. The insight of their background is well done and it flows really smoothly. There might be unnecessary descriptions I would trim, (It's obvious that you're a very visual writer) like that wall of darkness progressively disintegrating as Alexandra holds out her magical torch. I think the reader portrays this already when you mention that she walks in the darkness with the torch.

The story overall so far:
We get a nice sense of closure in Lott's Vale. All the characters so far crossroads there, and we have this 'little- dark-town-hiding-a-sect'' feeling. The visual descriptions are marvelous as is the psychological insight of the characters. I cannot help but smile at all the fantasy elements that always sneak their way in every story, like an Elder Council, an Order (such as there is in my own story).

I would continue reading, sir. Your work is a very entertaining and I loved what I read so far. Backed pleasurably. And might be you're having one of these writer's blocks or acute feel-down, like we all do, but here's another support hoping that it will help you on the long road ahead.

Akemitsu

The opening definitely caught my attention and I am intrigued by the characters! I'm still in the process of reading all the chapters but had to write and let you know, I won't be able to stop reading it until the end! I also noticed some grammatical and spelling issues, but they are easily fixed so really not worth going into details. Excellent read!

Hey Phil,
I just want to start off saying that I love the idea and I feel that with the chapters I have read that you really follow through. In the first chapter you are really able to capture the desparation of Dahlia and it makes readers feel for her situtation. I also found you used a lot of details so the scene was able to be created in my mind as I was reading, which was really ejoyable for myself. Your writing is perfect for the young adult category and I'm positive that teenagers would love to read this book. Good Luck.

Shades of Grey