Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 23235
date submitted 14.08.2011
date updated 03.03.2012
genres: Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

The Withering

Joshua Jacobs

Everyone who catches the Withering bears the mark. Everyone who bears the mark dies. Everyone except Alice. And now the Clan is coming for her.

 

The world balances on the brink of destruction. A plague threatens to destroy life on earth. What the Withering doesn't destroy, the remaining sects of men kill, cleansing the countryside of those they hold responsible: Witches.

Alice Issacs bears the mark of the afflicted. Unlike those before her, she survives. When word of an approaching clan reaches her, she ventures into what remains of the world she once knew. Bodies litter the streets. Cities lie in waste. The government ceases to exist.

She finds a glimmer of hope in a rural town untouched by the sickness. Despite their welcome, she can't ignore the softly spoken secrets, the vengeful stares from the town's elite, the candlelight coming from the woods as the clock strikes the witching hour.

With the imminent arrival of the Clan and the town's sinister past set to reveal itself, Alice must prove her innocence or make her last stand. But the more she learns about the Clan, the town, herself, the harder it all seems. Because maybe they're right. Maybe the mark does mean something. Maybe she is more than just a girl on the run. Maybe she did cause the Withering.

 
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tags

disease, end of the world, post apocalyptic, teen, young adult

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Alice tied the bandana over her mouth and wrapped one of Mr. Sullivan’s old t-shirts around her neck. Beside her, Mr. Sullivan did the same. He looked ridiculous. Clumps of his bushy gray beard curled beyond the edges of the bandana, making his head appear even larger than it already was. This, combined with his red flannel shirt and faded jean overalls, made him look like a nightmarish cross between a cowboy and a lumberjack.

He gave her the thumbs up and tossed her a pair of gloves. She caught them and slid them over her pale fingers. She followed him to the bed of the truck and watched him swing open the door. Despite knowing what to expect, she gagged when she saw the bodies. Don’t be stupid, she reminded herself. After all, she had helped load them only thirty minutes earlier.

There were a dozen of them. They all bore the mark of the afflicted; they all had died from the Withering. Like with everyone else who contracted the disease, the mark had spread, enveloping their bodies within days, charring their faces beyond recognition as if they had been consumed by flames. She looked away.

“You okay?” Mr. Sullivan put a gloved hand on her shoulder.

She nodded and climbed into the back of the truck. The stench crept beneath her bandana and into her nostrils. She dry-heaved as she knelt beside the nearest body. A woman. Alice could only tell because a single high-heel still clung to the corpse's foot. The rest of her features were indiscernible. Her hair had shed, her skin was flayed, and her lips curled inward.

Alice grabbed the woman’s ankles and dragged her to the edge of the bed. Mr. Sullivan pulled her over his shoulders as if she were a hunted deer, carried her to the edge of the woods, and dropped her into the trench.

He had dug the trench a month earlier, a week after the power went out, two weeks after the news reports promised a government-developed miracle cure, almost two years after the first victims fell ill. So much for a cure, Alice thought. Instead, he wound up combing the town, gathering the dead, tossing them into the trench, burning their remains.

That’s how he had found Alice.

Body after body, she labored, checking their pockets for anything of value, but mostly all she found was cash and credit cards. What a waste. After passing along the last body to Mr. Sullivan, she sat on the edge of the truck and watched him pour gasoline into the trench. Then he struck a match and let it fly from between his fingers.

A flame erupted, and he staggered away from the inferno. Orange tendrils licked the sky, black smoke billowing from their tips. She tightened the bandana around her mouth. They always smelled worse when they burned, as if the sickness seeped out of them. She imagined the smoke carried the Withering with it and wondered how Mr. Sullivan had yet to become sick.

She couldn’t ignore the morbid irony of him possibly falling ill in his feeble attempt to cleanse the town. His town. Their town. At least that’s what Mrs. Sullivan called it. Though Alice had only been with them for a month, Mr. Sullivan’s wife had already made it clear. “Their” didn’t include Alice.

“I don’t think Mrs. Sullivan likes me very much,” Alice said.

He ignored her, his gaze intent on the fire. Then he pulled off a glove and wiped the back of his hand across his eyes. As the flames weakened, he returned to the truck.

“She hates me, doesn’t she?” she tried again.

Mr. Sullivan stared into the bed of the truck and cursed. She followed his stare and immediately saw it. She’d forgotten a body. A child. Her stomach dropped. How had she missed it?

She crawled on hands and knees into the far corner of the truck bed and hovered over the child. A boy, she guessed, because of the blue shirt and grass-stained jeans, as if he had died in the middle of recess. She wrapped her arms around his small frame and cradled him in her lap as if he were a baby. Then again, he practically was. She stared at the black marks covering his skin and then glanced at Mr. Sullivan. With his back to her, he gazed upon the nearby hills and smoked a cigarette; he always smoked after a burning.

She pulled back her shirtsleeve and stared at the black mark on her wrist. Her eyes shifted to the boy. Then to her wrist again. They were identical. They were the same mark.

“Hurry it up,” Mr. Sullivan called.

In a panic, she yanked down her sleeve, afraid Mr. Sullivan might see the mark. Then she lifted the lifeless boy into her arms. She carried his body to Mr. Sullivan, but when he reached up to take him from her, she didn’t let go. This one’s mine. She helped herself down from the truck.

As she walked toward the trench, she whispered to the boy, “We’re the same, you and me.” A tear spilled down her cheek and dripped off her chin. “Except, it should be you taking this walk, not me. I should be in your arms. I should be the one on fire.”

She reached the trench. The bodies below lay in a blackened heap, buried beneath the blaze. She squeezed the child's body close to hers, a final farewell hug, and lowered him into the fire.

She finally understood why Mr. Sullivan cried every time he stood beside the trench, why he insisted on doing this god-forsaken job. As the flames swallowed the boy’s youth, her heart broke.

With one final whisper, she confessed to the grave, to the boy who never had a chance to live. “If I could, I’d give my life for you.”

But she couldn’t. She’d had the mark for almost two years now. Since the beginning. It never spread. She never withered. She never died. And at that moment, with her heart not in her chest but burning beside the boy, that was all she really wanted.

 

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Kaychristina wrote 192 days ago

Joshua, thud-thud-thud-thud.... Not since watching the first episode of *24* have I sat breathless, and now I have. Breathless, that is, for the first 5 or 6 chapters, after which we are treated to a finely balanced series of shocking revelations, as well as sublimely written insights from Alice, and eventually from her pursuer, Ethan.

We find this girl in hiding with the unfortunate Sullivans, and after that breathtaking start, on the run. This girl with the *mark*, who Ethan's *Clan* pursues at the behest of the *Vicar*, a man possessed of the notion he is doing the Lord's work in killing everyone and everything in the way of this *catalyst of the plague*, the *cause of the world's demise*.

It is so well-balanced, each chapter back and forth between the pursued and the pursuers, and in spite of the fast pace, we gradually find out more about Alice, and more about her chief pursuer, Ethan - as well as the man that drives him.

The pace stuns, yet we come to chapter 8 (part of your brilliant flash fiction story), and we cry. Ch.9 begins and our hearts thump again, but what follows stuns the heart almost to stillness. The piece on Huntington Park, her first kiss that she recalls from a boy called Blake, what grotesques stand now in that place, and onward to her street, Lincoln Street. Her thoughts on this, again, constitute simply superb, sublime writing. All before we are shocked, yet again.

With the complex persona that is Ethan, his chapter with the *Vicar*, you've given us what might just be a turning point in Ethan's mind. I don't know - but certainly we find a much deeper man than a mere, relentless hunter-killer. Perhaps, too, we have Alice's saving grace - in him, one can only hope, and in this village in the dreaded forest that the Vicar bids him go.

Apart from a few thoughts on some minor details I already sent you, which really are so minor they don't matter a damn in the great scheme of things, I am stunned by this. What with the *Adriel* book hopefully on its way to publication, I can see you being one of those rare writers to have a second book to surpass his first.

Backed, of course, and six-starred as I can give no more.

Stunned by the excellence -

Kay-Christina

CMTStibbe wrote 196 days ago

The Withering: This book is so fast paced; I galloped through it without noticing a single nit—probably because I was so caught up in the story. I usually make notes as I read through chapters but this one was different. Each chapter ends with such a powerful hook the reader is drawn to the next and the next. Its exhausting actually (I say this laughing) because there is no way anyone can put this book down. Chapter 3 is powerful, shocking with a mix of God’s word and an unexpected killing. Chapter 8 is frightening but clever, with a great twist at the end. Alice must escape the clan and Chapter 9 intensifies. The tension in this book doesn’t stop, it strengthens with each page. I read to Chapter 11 where we find Alice is not alone. I couldn’t stop. The Withering has to be one of the best books on here, heading for the Ed with a constellation of stars. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs

Jannypeacock wrote 202 days ago

Joshua - I really want to find something to dislike here. Simply because I’m so stingingly jealous of your writing. But I just can’t. This is fantastic. I don’t usually like fantasy but I became totally engulfed in this story and I just couldn’t read fast enough. I wanted more, more and more.

Alice is completely compelling. After five chapters I feel I know her as though she’s been a friend of mine for years. She intense and insecure but that makes her very real and a little endearing.

What is up with Ethan? You’ve done a wonderful job of creating a character that confuses the hell out of me. I don’t know if I hate him or sympathise with him. I think I’ll settle for reading more so I can try to understand him.

If there are typo’s here, which would be understandable as you mentioned it’s a work in progress, I’m sorry, I just became way to immersed in the story to spot them.

I can’t possibly give this less than six stars. The plot just blew me away and the writing lived up to the promise in the pitch. Brilliant.

Janny

McRae by Nature wrote 220 days ago

Hey Joshua,

I'm usually good about offering costructive critisism, but I was so taken by the originality of your plot, the three-dimensional characters, and your incredible style of writing, that rather than waste time trying to tear apart a brilliantly written novel, I decided to read the first ten chapters without pausing. I'm totally obsessed with this book right now.

My connection to Alice felt almost personal, which is incredible considering this is written in third person POV. She's a perfect main-character; insecure but not whiny, scared but still determined. I was rooting for her the whole time. I also really connected to Ethan as well. The way you bring out his inner conflict is ace. His character just keeps pulling at my emotions. I want to hate him, then I sympathise with him. I never know what he's going to do next, and I love that. His confusion is what defines his character right now (especially where his father is concered) and I can't wait to watch him develop as the story goes on.

I think that you are a master storyteller. You introduce everything in such a subtle, and genius way that never overwhelms the reader. You feed us little tidbits of information throughout the first ten chapters of the manuscript, and it helps us get to know Alice better as we read. I especially liked hearing about her past, like the tough relationships with her family, and the first kiss (such a sad story, by the way). Alice is such a complex character, and I can tell that she's struggled with feeling of inadequacy, even before the Withering struck. What makes this whole situation even more fascinating, is I know that it will only get worse as she faces the idea that she could be the one making things as bad as they are.

All in all, I have huge hopes for Alice. I've fallen in love with this book. Do you plan to add more? If so, pleeeeeease let me know ASAP. Backed and 6-starred.

Carrie L McRae

faith rose wrote 270 days ago

Joshua,
I've read four chapters, and I'm completely hooked. I love your writing style! First of all, the way you skillfully unravel a chapter is masterful. Action and suspense build immediately, without unecessary back story. Then, the chapters are perfectly paced with a dramatic final punch at the end of each, keeping the reader undoubtedly turning the pages. I also love your use of descriptive imagery ("clumps of bushy grey beard," grass-stained jeans," and "spiral smoke swirled"), but I am even more amazed how your story is actually enhanced by the details, not overwhelmed by them. In addition, your sentence variation is very well done. You are able to make such an emotional impact with your careful insertion of short sentences, such as: "It never spread. She never withered. She never died." Finally, I really like your character development. Ethan's constant self-talk and self-analysis is very well done, giving us an authentic view of who he really is. And Alice, with her internal thoughts and questions spilling out on the page, the reader will certainly connect rapidly.

I am so impressed, especially as you have said this is just a "work in progress." It has the potential to go all the way, as The Words of Adriel has done! Giving you all 6 stars and keeping a close watch on this, as it will surely be climbing up the ranks!

All the best,
Faith Rose
Now to Him

grouserock wrote 3 days ago

Your story has kept me turning the pages. I've read six chapters and will be back to continue.
Enjoying the read.

aurorawatcher wrote 66 days ago

Wow, Josh! This is so much more mature than Words. With this, you definitely prove that you're not just a Junior High writer. This is high school, which I sometmes feel is a neglected reader group among many writers. It's also a great thirller that keeps up the action and sense of fear from chapter to chapter.

aurorawatcher wrote 67 days ago

Hey, Joshua. I wasn't around for the meteoric rise of this second book, but I wanted to say it's a great book and deserves it's ranking. I was taking some time off from Authonomy to concentrate on editing, but I'm back now and even though you don't need my support, I do plan to read your book.

martin126 wrote 68 days ago

well paced kept me interested, deserves to be read

J C Michael wrote 71 days ago

There seems to be a problem loading Chapter 2, so unfortunately I had to skip that, but from what I read I'm impressed. There's sufficient hook there to get the reader interested and from initial impressions I could see this as a fully fledged novel, or possibly even a movie, although that could be down to the fact that I watched Stakeland recently and this reminds me of that in some ways.
Since you've already won a medal for this I'm leaving it on my watchlist rather than my bookshelf but keep up the good work and I hope something can come of this for you.

skennon wrote 77 days ago

Joshua, I've really enjoyed reading this book great work.

samoana75 wrote 81 days ago

This is some of the best writing I've encountered on this site. Gripping and fast paced. Although the subject matter is so dark, I found myself unable to stop reading. Backed for its excellent narration. I do hope that there is some light at the end of Alice's journey. Cheers!

Wussyboy wrote 82 days ago

Hi Josh. I just read your new chapters. Heck, I just read the whole book again, it was that good! You say that the new stuff is a little "ragged", but it read just fine to me. Okay, there were a couple of missing or misplaced words (end chap 17, God was counting ON him; end chap 18, Suddenly that one word...changed EVERYTHING) and one single typo in chap 20 (meTal rods), but otherwise it's a really fluid read, hugely enjoyable. It kinda reminds me of King's Salem's Lot, but has a distinctive menace and creepiness all of its own. But how can you leave me at the end of 24 at such a cliffhanger - what are these 'sacrifices', why is Mrs Blackburn so nervous, and why, oh why, did she not check Alice and Elizabeth for the Mark as they strolled out of the woods from a plague-racked civilisation? This last question is for me a biggie!

I also wondered why a) the Vicar sent his son Ethan on a wild goose chase to find the village when (as i mentioned in an earlier comment) he could have easily got the little girl from the village who he strangled to just tell him where the village was. And why does Ethan come back to the camp, after stabbing 'a man' who was stalking Alice, instead of continuing his village-search?

b) you indicate that the woods are cursed, that a town built too close to them started losing its children, but now the village is located bang in the centre of them and is apparently 'safe'? Why don't the children here die - or was Chloe's sister a recent victim?

c) Alice has this letter from her dead parents which she is just about to open in the woods, cos she's under instructions to open it only when 'all hope is lost'. It's great show-don't-tell, but I think you might indicate she's sorely tempted to read it at various points of her earlier horrors - she shows remarkable discipline, amazing non-curiosity, regarding it contents!

d) this bloomin mark. Okay, it's 'dark', it's 'black', but that's it? Yes, a little more visualisation might be nice. Or you could go the whole hog and make it a religious spectacle, lol! "She looked down at the mark. It spread out and upwards from the heel of her palm to the broadening of her wrist, five accusing black fingers trailing forth like the hand of an avenging God."

This is a fabulous book, Josh. I have no doubt that it will soon be in print.

Joe

(oh, I almost forgot, you may have a couple of tense issues in chap 22: 'Who WAS to say this time would be any different', and ' Nothing WAS better than a scenic view.')

KenQld wrote 84 days ago


G'day! Joshua,

Congratulations, mate. Well done!

But we are not surprised - talent will out!

We are all excitingly awaiting now for the next one...

Regards,
KEN BLOWERS
(For those who don't know: I'm the old English gent living in Australia. I have written no novels, but I have put up six books of short stories and five books of plays.
Plus QUOTE ME : a book of 1,000 quotations, which is my most popular book so far! Here's the link:
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38541/quote-me/
And to see all the books, try this one too:
http://www.authonomy.com/managebookshelf.aspx




Tarzan For Real wrote 85 days ago

Strong well paced writing that builds in suspense and complexity. Will definitely continue to read and on and leave comments. Great work!

I would be honored to have a writer such as yourself review my work too, "The Devil Of Black Bayou". It's an examination of humanity through the eyes of an immortal in New Orleans and my beloved bayou country.

Tarzan For Real wrote 85 days ago

Strong well paced writing that builds in suspense on what will happen next. Will definitely continue read on and leave comments. Great work!

I would be honored to have a writer such as yourself review my work too, "The Devil Of Black Bayou". It's an examination of humanity throught eyes of an immortal in New Orleans and my beloved bayou country.

Scott Toney wrote 86 days ago

Joshua,

I'm really enjoying the read! 6 stars gladly given! Good luck with the review!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Dean Lombardo wrote 88 days ago

Hi Joshua,

Your first chapter was amazing by about every criterion by which I might evaluate an opening. I like Alice and her altruism, and the mood you've set is grim and intense. Only suggestion at this point would be to make Mr. Sullivan's name less formal and call him Sullivan or by his first name. This way you can also cut back on a few of the instances of "he" where I got a little bit confused about POV and whom the pronoun might be referring to -- for example, "He dug the trench ..." <--I had to read that paragraph twice to absorb it properly; Alice's presence and POV caused me to get mixed up.

Otherwise, this is a fast-moving, lean, and exciting start, and I plan to read more and follow its progress and success. I'll back it and give it a six for now. The "human-killing plague" story itself does not seem all that unique, but I expect you are going to add a few new wrinkles. Can't wait to read more.

Sincerely,
Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"
http://authonomy.com/books/41791/space-games/

Kady Colter wrote 90 days ago

Great hook. Jumps right into the story with "the burning." Then the mark. High stars and backing. ~Kady Colter, Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac

Cyrus Hood wrote 94 days ago

Your writing is intuitive and delightfully tongue in cheek, I really enjoyed your style. A very good work to which I will give top marks.
On my watch list until the next space becomes vacant.

regards

Cyrus

Quinn Street wrote 96 days ago


I've only read the first couple of pages, but already it has me hooked. It more exiting and intriuing in the first few chapters then some of the published books i have read.

Jihaaaad wrote 98 days ago

Your first chapter has a good flow. I think this would appeal to a young adult audience. I didn't read YA when I was a YA, I read the classics, but they seem to like this edge-of-your-seat material that you've crafted quite well. The only thing I'd mention is your LP reminded me of the book HC published last year-- Carrier of the Mark-- I think it was. I can't remember what the book was about, but I found it to be worth mentioning to you since if it is similar to yours, you could note that in your marketing plan for agents. Good luck.

lyndastyles wrote 100 days ago

Excellent, Mr. Jacobs. I am really impressed!

Kathryn Page wrote 101 days ago

What a fantastic opening. Excellent pacing and there is no way you could read this and not read on. Well done.

Earth Countess Rose wrote 101 days ago

Joshua,

Took a look at this, unfortunately only briefly, yesterday afternoon. It is written beautifully, and is, as I see others have mentioned very fast paced.
Unfortuantely real world shackles dragged me away at the end of Chapter 2, but it has impressed me enough to take a place on my shelf, and I shall leave it there until I get chance to finish it. If it continues to read as well as it has started, it will stay on my shelf until it reaches the Ed Desk.

Congratulations on an excellent start!

Rose

J.D. wrote 103 days ago

What powerful writing. It's no surprise this is doing so well.

celticnimueh wrote 103 days ago

Just 'WOW'. I love this and hope to find it in my local bookshop soon.

kelly

jsault2003 wrote 107 days ago

Chapter 1
A great opening that reaches out and pulls the reader in with a combination of suspense and mystery.

He had dug the trench…burning their remains. It is debatable as to whether or not you changed POV (point of view) in mid paragraph from Mr. Sullivan to Alice the way it is written. Squash the debate with…Alice remembered him having dug the trench a month earlier… In this manner, Alice claims ownership of the paragraph and the flow is still smooth.

Body after body, she labored, checking their pockets… You may want to rewrite this as ..She continued her labors on each body by checking their pockets for anything of value. (Then continue with a second sentence about what she found. Although the sentences are grammatically correct as written, there are other concerns. One of them is whether or not the sentence can be written with a better flow. Another would be if the sentence can be written without the need for commas. These concerns were expressed by another writer on this site in an article that I think is a major piece of education for each of us on this site as there is a wealth of information in this article to help every last one of us on this site (http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/92062/why-agents-reject-what-they-look-for-/…).

Then again, he practically was. Wasn’t he? The …Wasn’t he…is redundant.

This chapter is very effective in creating a state of mind within the reader where they would want to know more about the situation the characters are involved in. From what I read, you have enough in the first chapter to drive the reader further into the book.

Chapter 2
You paint a vivid picture of the breakdown of the societal structure and how possible it is for all of us to revert to primitive believes and culture when faced with the unknown. The decay of society premise is well used here.

Very good drama in this chapter. The questions are starting to pile up.

Chapter 3
The sense of conflict and the tension is mounting more so here than in any other chapter. Now one begins to wonder about what factors are lurking just beneath the surface. At first glance, Ethan seems to be an ordinary person who has switched into survivor mode due to the disease and he just needs some assistance.

The part where Ethan knows Robert’s name and the manner in which the interaction takes place is handled in an excellent way. This is a well constructed scene as I picture the conflict between Robert and Ethan from the descriptions you have given. This is effective in getting me to want to know more about Robert.

Good use of body language.

Now that’s what I call a cliff hanger at the end of Chapter 3. Although it is great writing, there is still no logical reason (even the reasoning of a spiritual fanatic) for Ethan killing Robert. At this point, Ethan has gained Robert’s confidence. One would even think Robert would want to help Ethan find Alice due to the fear that Alice might get his wife infected. Still, its great writing that propels the reader forward.

Your writing reminds me of Alfred Hitchcock, where the last thing you expect is the first thing you get. That’s what modern readers are looking for.

Chapter 4
Good continuity from Chapter 2 to the events of Chapter 4, but here is where illogical sequences begin.

Problem: You stated that Alice approached the Sullivan house and was at the foot of the driveway. You said, ”The car jolted and accelerated backwards down the street.” So she’s going away from the house. A black van was parked in the center of the road, perpendicular to the sidewalk. She’d driven right into a trap. Since she didn’t see the van when she first approached the house (or at least there is no mention of it), one would have to assume that the van approached the truck Alice drove from behind once she had reached the driveway, thus closing the trap. Someone had to be in that van but there is no mention of driver or passengers after the crash.

Possible Solution: Simply write in how Alice came out better than the occupants of the van in the crash. One of the men could have been exiting the van when the crash took place. This means no seat belt and his body was tossed ___ feet into the air before he crashed to the concrete pavement. The driver was stunned and slumped over with his hands on top of the dashboard and his head down.

Problem: You said, “The two men were less than ten paces from the car (truck?).”
“She took one step, and her legs wobbled and gave way beneath her. She dropped to her knees.” Ten paces is a mighty short distance between two people for anyone to be able to get up and outrun their pursuers. Besides, they have already shot at Alice from a distance. If they can’t catch her once they’re right on top of her, what’s to keep them from shooting her from short distance?

Possible Solution: Increase the distance that Alice is able to back up the truck from the driveway to at least twenty yards. At that point she slams into the van. When she stumbles out of the truck, she leaves the door open and this forms a partial shield after she drops to her knees, gets up, and starts running.

Problem: You said, “At the foot of the hill, she took a right into the wooded area at the base of the hill behind the Sullivan’s house. Most of the direction Alice has been going seems to have been away from the Sullivan’s house.

Solution 1: Indicate that she’s familiar with the woods in the area and have her turn a corner behind one of the houses and double back to the Sullivan house under the cover of the woods.

Solution 2: Make the underground shelter a joint project between Mr. Sullivan and one of the neighbors whose entire family died. The shelter is located on the neighboring property and Alice reaches it under the cover of woods.

I’m at the end of Chapter 4 and there are still some questions that need answers. What is the Withering? What caused it and how did it affect a country and government in existence for centuries? What happened to her parents? I am keeping in mind that there is always a need for some questions to drive the reader forward, but there also needs to be gradual answers.

Now this is the way a thriller is supposed to be (I know it’s not classified as such, but it meets the criteria for the genre). There’s suspense, action, mystery, more action, and dozens of questions that need answers.

The manuscript is very clean in terms of punctuation and grammatical errors. That makes the reading very easy and it shows a certain level of commitment to your work.
Excellent continuity and plot structure. The characters are well developed and except for some unanswered questions, the relationships are clear.

I love your writing and I like the direction your storyline is going in. Six stars and shelf space.

I look for writers of your caliber to examine my work and give some feedback. It is my hope that their philosophy is similar to mine, that all comments, star ratings, and support or lack of support is based on the merits of the work alone.

Jsault2003
My link:
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38506/battle-against-the-beast/read-book/#chapter

Nightdream wrote 109 days ago

THE WITHERING by Joshua Jacobs

Your TITLE isn’t bad. But it doesn’t stick out. I actually don’t know what to think about it. Maybe someone is decaying like a plant? Maybe dying. I am trying to pretend I haven’t read your first chapter before. Again, I like the title but it’s not commercial. I don’t think a teenager (that’s your target audience right?) will read the title and say hey that seems interesting let me pull this book off the shelf and read the back or flip it open to read a few pages. I feel your title best represents an adult book.

The PITCH actually helps out the title a lot. It says that we will be learning what this Withering is. Right now I have no idea what it is. So after reading the pitch I like the title even more because now I know that it will have a greater meaning and it’s not about some old grandma or plant dying. But I still think it’s not commercial because of what I said. The title alone doesn’t sell. And you can’t use the pitch, long pitch or anything else because the browser doesn’t see those things at first glance. They see the book cover and title. I’m not saying you have to go the commercial route but in the current form it’s not helping you sell your manuscript.

Back to the pitch . . . I like it. could you come up with a better one? I bet you could. But this is a good one to keep while you are thinking of other ones. But in my opinion I don’t think the pitch is as important as the book title and summary on the back of the book because these are what your potential buyers are looking at. I really don’t like this ‘Clan’ in there. I don’t even know who this clan is. are they a cult? if so say cult. don’t mention any names in a pitch that we know nothing about. With that said, I think it can be shorter. The shorter the better and the stronger it is. . . .

Everyone who catches the Withering dies. Except for seventeen-year-old Alice Issacs.

Hopefully you see what I mean, and she probably isn’t seventeen. I just put that in because I feel you should state her age. Age really does a lot. Especially in a summary or long pitch.

The LONG PITCH is good. It really sets the tone of what is to come. Sure you can reword things better the gist of it I like. It’s important though you include her age. I don’t know if she is fifteen or thirty.

After reading the title, short pitch and long pitch, what is drawing me in is surprisingly the connection between all three. Even the book cover works with the three. But if I had to pick the biggest pull, it is the pitch and that I know you are a good writer. People like to read books by good writers. If I read another book of yours and liked it, then there is a good chance that I will like this one. It’s funny how either word of mouth or getting help outside your book that you actually want read is making them buy your book.

So if I was an agent, I would only take a look at your book because of that connection I was talking about and because I know who you are (for an agent it would be you stating writing awards you have won)

How interested in reading your book am I? About a 7 for the reasons I stated above.

CHAPTER 1
Who is Mr Sullivan? I think you should state who he is in the first sentence. ex. Alice tied the bandana over her mouth and wrapped one of her friend’s old t-shirts around her neck. This is just an example. They are probably not even friends.

When he tossed her a pair of gloves and then immediately in the next sentence you say she catches them, I assumed she did already so it comes off redundant. ex fix:

He gave her the thumbs up and tossed her a pair of gloves. She looked them over then slid them over her pale fingers.

You use ‘bed of the truck’ two times three paragraphs apart. Reword the second time around. It really stuck out to me as why are you describing the back of the truck the same way? I know what it is. You told me already just a second ago. There is also ‘edge of the bed’ and ‘edge of the woods’ back to back. You have to change one of these two. It’s very important. Reread this paragraph and you will see what I mean. ‘edge of the truck’ pops up a few paragraphs down. You should try and stay away from repeating or similar phrases or words.

Something you should consider is to have ‘Alice pulled back her shirtsleeve and stared at the black mark (describe what it looks like. I don’t know what a black mark looks like) on her wrist. . . . the VERY first line of the book. I just like the idea it starts with her looking at the thing that should kill her (but doesn’t). Just a thought. You will have to add and describe a few things but this could make an instant pull of the reader in the very first few sentences. You wouldn’t have to change anything. You can have her start in the back of the truck with the lifeless boy who bears the same mark. You can almost copy and paste it to the beginning. after ‘they were the same mark’, you can then put in the paragraph where you describe the Withering. You might also have to rearrange a few things in the chapter . . . if you decide to do the change. I just thing it will make a stronger beginning and make anything that is read after come more alive because her throwing the bodies in the ditch NOW comes off as she is the one that is going to be thrown in the ditch or should be (depending on the situation). Which funny enough you kind of DO use a few minutes later when she is talking to the boy saying it should be the other way around.

‘we’re the same you and me . . .’ watch out, to me I immediately think no way they are the same because he is dead and she is not. They aren’t the same. I know you mean the same in that they have the mark but it’s different for her because she is NOT dead. So they are actually not the same. That’s how I read it as your reader. This just down grades your character.

‘Except, it should be you taking this walk not me. I should be in your arms . . .’ is the same as her saying ‘If I could, I’d give my life for you’. why this doesn’t work is that you hype up a little of what she is going to say to the boy (‘with one final whisper . . . etc . . .’) and then says something you previously said. Is this what you mean by this final thought? That if she had the power she would want to be dead from the mark and have the boy still living?

I was confused by ‘why he insisted on doing this god-forsake job.’ why would he do it if it made him cry? maybe I missed something. I’m not the smartest person in the world.

So there are a few things to work on but if I was a publisher or agent, I would read on. I want to see where you are going to take this story. But if it goes in a bad direction or something else pops up that I don’t like, I will stop reading and pass on the manuscript. Right now I like it and will continue. Not a bad beginning at all. Just so you know, out of 300 hundred or more first chapters I have read on this site, I only wanted to continue with 30 of them. The rest I would pass on immediately. So I would only request more of the manuscript from those 30 authors. So now you are in this top 30. :)

It’s four o clock in the morning here so I will have to continue another day. I’m tired. :) But I will continue for real. Not just because you helped me out on a few things but because I want to.

Brittanee Zaitsoff wrote 111 days ago

The Withering
Hey Joshua, This is an amazing story! I usually try to offer some constructive critism, but other than a typo here and there - which will be ironed out with editing - I couldn't find anything noteworthy to point out. Your pace is great. I love how you keep the action going, while still offering enough backstory to get the reader up to speed without slowing the pace. There is so little down time that I don't have the change to stop and think about doing something else.
Read the whole thing and loved it, Backed, naturally, and all stars!
Brittanee
- Sinful

amyblack wrote 112 days ago

Speechless...I'll watch for the release date on this one. I must possess it. :)

JMF wrote 112 days ago

Wow! I really enjoyed reading your first two chapters. This is very well-written and pitched perfectly for the teenage/young adult market. The plot is developing nicely and at a cracking pace with plenty of questions raised leaving the reader wanting more. I am a great fan of this type of "what if" story.
I love it.
All the best.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Linda Lou wrote 113 days ago

THE WITHERING
JOSHUA JACOBS
hullo Joshua. The ultimate end of times, a plague no one can cure and that the self-assumed righteous attempt to control based on skewed beliefs. Well written, good story line, good show. Starred as well. Please peek at mine even though I know that your time is tight. LLL

bookworm:) wrote 113 days ago

Well, damn. Joshua Jacobs, congratulations, you just won over a young adult.
I adored this from the first sentence. It had me gripped, intrigued as to what this 'withering' was all about. I love Alice, the story behind her misfortunes. I love the settings you described, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE how it isn't in first person! It is so difficult to find a YA book these days that isn't. I can easily see this selling, without a shadow of a doubt. Well done.

Caitlin Avery wrote 115 days ago

What a fantastic start! Your writing is superb and you immediately create suspense and empathy. Nice job, I give this 6 stars and a spot on the shelf!
Caitlin Avery, Lightning in my Wires

ScottTrimas wrote 119 days ago

WOW! I know why you have 144 bookshelves. This book has a very great future and I can see this book doing very well. Loved everything about it.
Thanks,
Scott

Candymace wrote 120 days ago

A brilliant title, cover and pitch. A cool, gripping story. Horrific details and an interesting storyline. Loads of conflict. Edgy stuff. I'll read more and comment again. Candy.

scoz512 wrote 120 days ago

I love the story you build right from the get go, Alice's guilt, the mysterious dead bodies and the burning, the suspense that keeps showing up each chapter. The part where Ethan stabs Mr. Sullivan is great! I also feel something sort of old western about Alice getting into town, but with a modern and otherworldly twist. Your dialogue is very easy to follow and I can't find anything cheesy or unrealistic about it. I would definitely pick a book like this up at the store or library in a heartbeat. You do exceptionally well and I wish you all the best of luck.

Sara

tupbup wrote 122 days ago

Narrative, to me, is an important aspect of the novel. Here you interweave two strong voices both of which are equally convincing. I am always impressed when a writer writes from the opposite gender and often it seems there is something missing. However Alice's emotional responses to her horrific world and Ethan's more instinct-based perceptions show the reader a three-dimensional view of a well thought out world. The Withering gives the impression that the book is aimed towards the fantasy-genre but the telling of it places it closer to post-apocalyptic/horror. It has the solace of McCarthy's The Road with horror lurking more prominently around every corner and an evil religious faction. Main characters, side characters and opposing characters are all rendered with personalities without overshadowing Alice and Ethan. There is plenty here for any publisher to rub their hands at. I loved The Words of Adriel but this one, in my opinion, is even better. Perhaps because it is aimed at a more mature reader or perhaps because I like dark fantasy.

Good luck with your book(s)!

ericardoz wrote 125 days ago

I like the way you used suspense in your story like at the end of chapter two. Your writing is very tight, you only reveal the tiniest bit of details like Alices mark on her arm. It made me want to continue reading I can see why you previous book is being considered. The fantasy element of the withering(plague) is really good whenever I read about outbreaks it makes me squirm just a little bit. Your descriptions and the emotions you write bring Alice and Ethan's character to life. I hope everything works out well.

just barbara wrote 128 days ago

hi, started reading this today and very quickly found myself on chapter 5. This is a very dark story, but quite compelling. I'm considering flicking to the end to see if Alice has a happy ending. It's very well written and I like the pace. If I had any criticism at all it is that there seemed to be a lot of 'telling' rather than 'showing' in the first few chapters, but due to the pace it's not really a problem. I like this alot and have put it on my bookshelf for a while. hope you can make it to the editor's table, this story deserves something good to happen to it.
Best of luck
regards
Barbara
Awakening the Magic

Bill Scott wrote 129 days ago

Joshua,

Came back for more. Still very good. I'll just mention a couple of things you might consider.

chpt 5
soundlessness and ceaseless silence - I stumbled a bit with both these.

chpt 9
I had a hard time imagining blood dripping on asphalt being loud enough for Alice to hear before she was able to see where it was coming from. I wouldn't think it would be as loud as a faucet dripping in a sink, the shape of the sink and the material tends to make project sound like a speaker.

BEST
Bill
MARGARET ETHEL g.a.

61BBboy wrote 131 days ago

This should be on the editor's desk! Wow! Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
61BBboy

Bug289 wrote 131 days ago

Josh,
Finally made it back to the world of Authonomy and your book as promised.
So far I can find even less wrong with this than Words of Adriel. Again I feel I know Alice by the end of Chapter 1. I am not frustrated that I don't know everything because I am confident I will find out what I need to when I need to. It is a symptom of your writing style.

The prose flows beautifully. Every chapter leaves you wanting to find out what happens next. I don't have trouble following the changes between Alice's reminiscence and what is happening today.

The worst I could say is that I made a couple of editorial comments as I went through but I had to keep reminding myself to look for them rather than caught up in the story. There is nothing that can't be sorted out by an editor.

Please let me know when you are published, I will buy any book you write.

Danielle

DerekTobin wrote 131 days ago

Joshua
This first chapter is excellent mate - I love your voice and it has a real tension to it - the conflict is evident right from the off and that in my opinion is key. I'm already on-side with Alice and totally believing the world she inhabits so job done as far as Im concerned. Shades of The Stand which for me is a classic. Top Job sir starred and watchlisted.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Christian Rogue wrote 137 days ago

Gripping. I don't want to stop reading. This is an awesome book! I've made it to chapter 3 and I just want to keep reading. Each chapter so far has led into another. The bad guys are simply put scary, the world they live in is scary and intense, holding me tight as reading. I keep turning the pages to find out what ill happen next to Alice. I didn't even notice any errors. It flows well, the dialogue is true. This is stand out. If my shelf wasn't already occupied with sound books, I would back this right now, but I may have to wait until the end of the month before I can back this and put it where it needs to be.

Best of luck with this. I've starred this highly and will probably read more depending on time restraints. For now on my W/L.

-Christian Rogue (Beastia)

FrancesK wrote 139 days ago

You give us your landscape, your characters and your backstory in the first few breathtaking chapters. I kept thinking FILM as I read - it's so vivid, the dialogue so spare, if you ever think about turning it into a screenplay it would be a cracker. And as a fan of Stephen King [the early ones, before he peaked], I'm reminded of 'The Stand' and felt a delicious thrill of anticipation as I read on, knowing things could only get worse for Alice. You do it all - stripping away her security, giving her the Mark, making her brother an odious pervert, and killing off her parents. At each page another seemingly insuperable obstacle to overcome. It's all brilliant, wonderfully paced and spare. The ambivalence of Ethan is perfect - I don't want my villains to be all black, otherwise where is the suspense? This gets 5 stars from me and a future shelving - BUT. I'm unsure about the category you've put it in [I'm a playwright for children and young people] - maybe where you live [where?] kids can handle more downbeat stuff, but there are two things I think you need to consider. in a book for teenagers One is the child sex trafficking, the other is the statement that God is evil. I don't think they shouldn't be there, not at all, but they are topics for whole books on their own for this age, sensitively handled. Imagine if you were going into a high school to meet 15-18 year olds and talk about your book. I can see teachers and the school system reacting with horror and terror. I know Alice is 16, but that doesn't automatically mean what happens to her is fit for other kids to read [and if you want to see this illustrated, read my published book MICKA, narrated by two ten year old boys, but no way suitable for kids]. I don't know how The Withering is going to end, but I guess Alice is going to be ok? I've written plays about suicide and grinding poverty for this age group, but I always end with some hope. Kids deserve to believe that we,. the adults in their world, have at least a grain of optimism. Josh, hope this all makes sense. You'll get 6 stars from me if you change the category!

FrancesK wrote 140 days ago

mmmm. Just my cup of tea. Dystopias rule.

Lisa Lawton wrote 141 days ago

A very well-written first chapter, Joshua, with solid characters and dialogue to back them up.
You have created an atmosphere of a dark and forboding landscape; I don't know how alone Alice and Mr Sullivan are as yet, but the task and service they do in gathering and disposing of the afflicted, puts them in the catagory of loners in my mind.
A great beginning here.
Shelved and starred.

Lisa. x

Kace wrote 142 days ago

Wow .... although I'm not on here a lot ... I try to update my backed list as frequently as possible.

This one's staying put for a while.

Very cool.

Mrs_Gresh wrote 146 days ago

Joshua,

This is beautiful and chilling all wrapped into one. Both Alice and Ethan are such a strongly written characters - I swear I could hear their voice and see them come to life from their words. You've really written a whirlwind of emotions, and I think this surely could interest a very wide-range of both young-adults and feel-young-adults ;) alike.

Great writing. I'm glad to see this is doing just as well as your other work, the Words of Adriel. You are a very talented writer, and I look forward to one day (soon) seeing your work in print!

-Lexx (Mrs_Gresh)
Soothsayer

X the Unknown33 wrote 148 days ago

hey, i saw or "found" your book, the Withering on my WL (but i don't remember putting it there. i think my sister got into my account and cause i got a whole lot of books on my WL that i never watchlisted.) But i read the pitch, and i'm like what the heck, this seems cool and read it.
I only read the first chapter so far and i find the Withering to be very interesting.
I'll be back 4 more!

Sova
author of Conqueror

K.R.Slifer wrote 151 days ago

Well, I am absolutely hooked. I was drawn in by your cover and your pitch. Now here I am on chapter 18 and I want MORE. I love the premise of your story, of the WIthering and the connection with sin and religion. I know if this happened in real life, that religion would take over and I am confident witch burnings would start again. This story is my worst nightmare, truly, but I simply can't stop reading. I'm afraid I'm reading our version of 1984 or Brave New World. I am going to hope not of course, but the fact that this reads so realistically says so much about you as a writer. I like your writing style. You set the story and the scene and the characters up perfectly. I know that at first, I thought Alice was older, but as I read farther Ir elaized she was a teenager and that the maturity from life experience was mixed perfectly with childhood fear.

Well well done! I'm completely hooked. I can't wait for the next chapters!

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

D. S. Hale wrote 151 days ago

Joshua, you have written an awesome, well written, fast paced novel. I am making room on my bookshelf. I couldn't find any errors, I was too engrossed in the novel to notice if there were any. I like your writing style, and will be back to finish this novel. Have you written anything else? Would love to read anything else you have.

Great job, and good luck WHEN you get to the editor's desk. There is no doubt in my mind this will make it.
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Charmain wrote 154 days ago

This deserves to be published. I read the whole thing and would love to know how it ends. It left me hanging. At first I didn't like Ethan, but after his conversation with the Vicar, he doesn't seem like such a bad person after all. Just brain washed. Its the Vicar I really dislike.
Alice is a good strong character and I'm dying to know how it is she has the mark but didn't die like the rest. Or if she is even infecting the others around her.
If you ever update, could you please tell me?
I didn't see any mistakes or grammar errors, but then I stopped looking for them after the third chapter. I got caught up in the story.
I'm going to back this and I give it six stars.
-Charmain

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