Venus

A SF42 review of
Venus
http://www.authonomy.com/books/36313/venus/


Interesting idea, the pitch has me curious enough that I'm joining in to read.

I read the four chapters that you had available and I loved the concepts that you introduced. You gave enough to tease the senses, thats given. I'd love to read more when things are smoothed out.

Many of the other reviews already commented on the style of writing, and I find myself agreeing with them. There is a balance between giving enough detail to be enjoyable, and giving so many details the reader is buried. In SciFi, it is harder to find this balance but when in doubt, I'd encourage you to error on the side of less detail.

(In specific, had your novel been about George's machine the level of detail about how it works may have be appropriate, but since Avalon is a smaller segment of a much larger story, I wouldn't want to be buried in details.)

Maybe this metric would help: If the plot depends on a specific detail or limitation of something, then it should be mentioned. If the plot doesn't, consider leaving it out.

SF42

I loved the idea for this plot and I'm a big fan of speculative fiction. The image of how the world looks like during the time of your novel is very well portrayed and I had a real sense of the grime and the dirt.
I've only read the first few chapters so of course I don't yet know how it'll all develop but here are some thoughts so far...
I wondered if you could introduce characters sooner. Even just someone pushing a button so that the asteroid turns towards/starts aiming for Venus. I think it would make the reader identify with your novel quicker- i only really started connecting in the second chapter. Readers need people! I also wondered if you'd be able to cut down on some of the information about the asteroid aiming for the planet. It feels like there is a bit too much info being thrown at the reader at the moment.

Another thing that I feel you need to be careful with is repetition- either saying something that has already been said or telling something that has already been shown.
e.g. "no matter. the asteroid had no living organisms on it or in it." - the reader read this only a couple of paragraphs ago- they won't have forgotten so quickly!
"but that particular fact was irrelevant due to the highly toxic nature of the..." same with this!
also "...heard the sound of the helicopter and saw the approaching searchlights. It had clearly detected the explosion and was heading straight to the scene." you don't need the second sentence and it can often reduce the power of what you write if you say it twice.

I would also say to be careful not to make similes too long or to use excess words- short, snappy comparisons are more powerful!
for example: "with its travelling flume making it (appear to) look like..."
"like a cork (being ejected) from a champagne bottle"

Try to vary your sentence lengths a bit more too- when you do it's really effective like when you write "But Venus was tougher than that and she held together"- good!!
I know that you write in longth sentences generally and this is just your style which is of course fine... just try and add a bit more variety to aid emotional impact!


I hope these comments help- the concept of the book is great. I think my main point is that I want to have characters to care about sooner!

Last thing- i wondered if you could also think a bit more about how you describe what happens with Bethany- you tell it as a flashback which comes across very factually. Her sister has been attacked, raped, mutilated and has committed suicide!!! i think there needs to be some more emotion in this story!

Good luck with the editing and I hope I don't sound harsh- I'm just trying to help!
Could you take a look at my novel The Saving Walls when you have the time?

Susannah

SF42 Review

Your pitch caught my attention. It's an interesting premise. As I read, I saw that you have the imagery of what is happening very clearly in your mind. But it translates awkwardly onto the narration. This is mostly because of unnecessary words added into sentences, roundabout ways of describing something, or describing too much within the same sentence. If you remove the parts you don't need and separate the observations that are linked together, it should read a lot more fluidly. For example:

"The uniform light yellow-white marble color of the clouds..."

I had to read this a few times to understand what color the clouds were. Trim it down. "The yellow-white marble color of the clouds" will do nicely. There is a lot of trimming you should do throughout your manuscript. Many times it's as simple as a word like "further" disrupting otherwise eloquent prose.

A sentence with too much going on:

"Her camouflage was greatly assisted by the fact that, though it was now approaching a cooler dusk, the preceding hot summer day had heated up the metal car bodies so much that the stored heat that emanated from them and the metal hood resting on her back now masked her own body heat signature which made it much more difficult for her human form to be identified by the thermal detection cameras that the helicopter patrols used."

Separate her thoughts and observations or simplify them. What you're trying to say makes sense but you need to allow the reader time to think about it.

Example of roundabout description:

"Laura had developed a truly lethal skill with that blade and the last attempt to attack her when her disguise had been seen through had resulted in one of her attackers being sliced and bleeding profusely....that had been deterrent enough to halt any further pursuit attempts."

It's a lengthy paragraph so I won't repeat the entire thing here. The problem is that you give the sequence of events out of order. The reader can't visualize it well if it's written that way. Especially for an action sequence.

Many sentences repeat themselves. For example:

"Plunging ever deeper into the thick clouds that shrouded the planet it disappeared as it was engulfed by the thick clouds."

Other facts are repeated unnecessarily by following sentences. For example:

"The reality was that the Venusian atmosphere made that planet a hellishly hot, toxic twin sister to that of our benign planet Earth and entering its atmosphere without protection would be fatal to any living organism. No matter. The asteroid had no living organisms on or in it."

Later...

"The asteroid was a total planet-killer as far as any living organisms were concerned, but that particular fact was irrelevant, as due to the highly toxic nature of the Venusian atmosphere and its totally inhospitable environment, there were no living organisms to wipe out."

Readers don't need to be reminded about something so easy to understand within the same few paragraphs.

Other sentences don't repeat themselves but contradict themselves. For example:

"Of course, it could be argued that if the roles were reversed, with Mary running the business and George raising the family, their skills would have been swapped and that of course was unarguably true"

You start with "Of course, it could be argued" but you end with "of course was unarguably true," the latter meaning it can't be argued. Either it can be argued or it can't.

There are instances of unusual grammar which are not typos but intentional writing. For example, when you give the time of day, you write "Five P.M." when it should be "five p.m." The "p.m." isn't as important, I suppose, since I've seen it written different ways in literature. But you should definitely not capitalize "five."

You also tend to put commas in places they don't belong. And certain words are accidentally in place of the words you intended. "Though" and "through," for example, are often incorrectly switched.

What I'm about to say is more subjective. I think it would work better for your story if you explained what happened to Laura's sister more gradually. Give hints about what happened and have the reader speculate for a bit. This should make why Laura is attacking the Essentials more suspenseful and interesting. The way you have it written now stops the scene in the junk yard. Have Laura reflect on past events as current events are happening. It will keep the reader involved in the 'now' and informed about the past at the same time.

When you're describing Network George, trim it down a lot. We don't need to know all the details right away. At one point, George tells his wife that the boring stuff is almost done. It sounds like he's talking to the reader. I have a longer attention span for techno-babble than most readers (I'm a Star Trek fan) but even I was running out of steam. Simplify, simplify, simplify.

Your fifth chapter, I'd say, is the strongest. It is the most concise and has far fewer complicated descriptions than the previous chapters. You show exactly what is happening and, for the most part, you don't repeat or contradict yourself. The content is interesting as well. I had to smile at the situation you laid out. It also brought the first chapter and the third and fourth together, showing the relationship between the three. Consider this chapter and think about how you can make the previous chapters more like this one in pace, structure and scope.

Other little things I have to mention:

I didn't catch that Armstrong Industries was A.I. until you said it. Very clever.

Really good with the interruption of Avalon in the conference room. The intended impact was successful.

Here's what I think. Your story is good. The first chapter is about gigantic asteroids crashing into Venus. Awesome! The second chapter is about a girl taking revenge on bad guys by attacking them with a Molotov cocktail in the dead of night. Action! The third chapter is about a couple being separated by terminal disease. Drama! The fourth chapter is about a computer technology that can replicate any human brain. Cool! The fifth chapter is about a supercomputer making the president reveal he's a schmuck to the whole country. Hell, yeah!

Now the issues you need to work on. What you have to say is interesting. The problem I find is how you say it. Some thing are explained too much or explained awkwardly. Typos, inconsistencies with tense and grammatical mistakes add to the awkward flow. Go back and edit your manuscript. Read the lines out loud as well as in your head. Print it out and give it to someone with a knack for prose who can write their thoughts with a pen. It's good to get another perspective and that should be more thorough than line-by-line editing you'll find on authonomy. Remember, writing is all about re-writing. Chapter five made my response immensely more positive but many readers may stop before they get to that point. I look forward to reading this again after you've worked out the kinks.


spd6of14
A Day Away
Tanner Spirit: Dawn of Darkness

SF42 Review

There is a gripping event lurking in that prologue, waiting to shine, but a few things need to be brushed away first. There are a lot of unnecessary modifiers, words like “unimaginably” that are instructing readers on what to think as well as clogging up the sentences. I would counsel taking greater care with the sentences as well. Some of them are overly long and feel like what came gushing out on the page in the first draft. The paragraph breaks often have little rhyme or reason. There is a logic to how paragraphs should be structured.

As to the science, I’d be careful. Most sci-fi readers are like me: non-scientists with just enough knowledge to be dangerous. Your scenario has a few points that seem improbable. For instance, I don’t think that Eros, even moving nearly 70,000 mph, is going to penetrate that deeply into the planet. Remember that the planet hits the asteroid just as the asteroid hits the planet. It would start to break apart immediately. Furthermore, there are good reasons to believe that the Venusian crust and mantle are thicker than the Earth’s, and that to reach magma one would have to go down even further than on Earth. Have you researched this, or are you doing guesswork? If an event seems implausible, better to get the facts and know whether it is good science or not.

There were a handful of other things you might want to check on. I question how much a twenty mile by eight mile by eight mile asteroid could affect the rotation of Venus. Consider also that if this thing really needs to penetrate that deeply, it probably cannot hit it at the kind of angle needed to effect that sort of change.

Could that asteroid do much to move Venus away from the sun?

A mantle is mainly solid rock, though pressure and heat make it viscous. Given this, could Eros reach to magma and make it spew out like that? Would it spew out like that? The core is denser material than the mantle; why would the magma spew out as if under pressure?

There is a splash effect that occurs when a meteor hits an atmosphere, but the amount of impacts needed to splash away the poisonous and thick Venusian atmosphere would be, I imagine, enormous. Mind boggling. And how long would it take for surface temperatures to be reduced? Though you give no hard data in this example, things like that tend to happen over long periods of time. And remember that the surface is going to be red hot from all these bombardments, if indeed there are enough to alter the orbit and rotation of the planet. I wouldn’t be surprised if centuries or even millennia were needed for temperatures to get down to human-tolerable levels.

I am sure much of this can be calculated. It might be worth it for verisimilitude.

Through the camouflage… Through = Though

She had been pursed by… pursed = pursued

Why did she stamp her right foot down to “add impetus” to her throw?

The first chapter has many of the same problems the prologue has: jumbled, overly long sentences. I think it needs some focus, too. There is a lot of telling going on, a lot of extraneous information. Most of it seems unnecessary, and that which is probably pertinent could be shown later, rather than told now. I would suggest doing nothing but showing us the attempted ambush.

Also, the third person omniscient is a bit distracting. For instance, “… hoping their metal bodies still retained the heat required to hide her thermal image. They did not. They had now cooled enough to make her movement detectable.” I think, when the squad finds her, we can draw that conclusion ourselves, rather than be told by an omniscient narrator.

It looks like an interesting premise. I feel it needs some work. Best of luck with it.

SF 42

Hi John,

I have read through your five chapters and I have a few comments.
First off, I think you have developed a great concept - terraforming a planet (by a system with the ability to marshal resources and cut through mankind's impediments - composed with the minds of a loving complementary couple) - and contrasted by the state of play on Earth.

The main problem, I see, is a tendency to over-write. The first chapter, which is sort of a prologue, concerns massive and cataclysmic events - there is no need to ramp up the excitement with hyperbole. The thing that comes through is that `you' are excited by these events. I would suggest pulling back your enthusiasm and handle it more as a documentary observation. These are big events - meteors crashing into a planet - suggest let these events speak for themselves.

In the second chapter, a character is introduced. Once again, I found the author intruding, trying to influence a readers impression e.g. `intently' - the reader will know how she is looking, by the situation she is in. There was also the re-iteration regarding camophlage which I thought a lot could be eliminated - to be honest reference to it became tedious. I would suggest that you might shorten this section considerable.

In the third chapter, once again I think you overplay the idea of complementary living and thinking between the two older people. The idea I think could be more economically presented - just seemed overdone.

One of your other commentators has mentioned the lack of a central character to draw the reader through the story. I don't doubt that such a character or characters will arise as the book progresses. I think if you trimmed the first three chapters by eliminating redundancy and pulling back on authorial intrusion they would be a lot sharper and tighter and lead into the rest of the work more quickly.

These are merely my thoughts and I admit I haven't given you any examples. And they are just my thoughts so if you wish to disregard them I understand. My object was to be helpful.

All the best

Brian Armour - Future Crime

SF42

Hi John

This kind of terraforming is interesting; I don't know if it would actually work, but who cares? It's sci fi (perhaps even science fantasy like mine) :) I would suggest adding in a little bit about Laura to the pitch, so that people are aware there's a more personal human side to the story. Otherwise, my notes are:

'...missile, packed with...' might read better

'...total megaton power...' might read better simply as '...punch than the combined power of American...'

'loomed large' - Just loomed would suffice

faint not feint - that is a distraction

'a few further short moments' doesn't read well

'appear to look like' - 'appear like' would be fine

You don't need to reiterate the force of impact in such a way, as you've already stated it.

'ocean-wide' - I'm not sure what you mean here

'liquid-filled'

'seemingly eternally long moments' - needs rewording

'distant rumbling' doesn't make sense when it is omniscient - when the narration encompasses everything, it can't be distant unless you anchor it to a certain location

You repeat variations of 'unimaginable' a few times - it looses its impact when repeated

Fifth-to-last paragraph - there's no need for the organisms sentence

That's all I noticed. It could benefit from an edit with just grammar and structure in mind, just like pretty much every book on here. The premise is interesting, but might I suggest that you make mention (and maybe you do later on anyway) of the habitalbe planets that have been found and why they aren't being used. I'm sure this will do well :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

John,
The first chapter peaked my curiosity. Your descriptions and imagery of the asteroid speeding towards Venus is so vivid, you can feel and see the results of such velocity and impact.
One of the paragraphs in this chapter could use some re-wording, and perhaps even a couple of commas thrown in,IMHO.
"Plunging deeper into the thick clouds that shrowded the planet it disappeared as it was engulfed by the thick clouds."
Chapter two:
It seemes we've entered a very animalistic world here, where human females have to hide their sex, for fear of being subjugated. The wastelands are sad, but then again, there's probably a lot of people around the world living in such deplorable conditions already, minus the technology.
The last two chapters cleared up some questions i had and introduced tenderness to the story, although it also brought to mind a few episodes of "The Outer Limits". :)
Well done so far, and i will return to read further when you upload more.
Best of luck with it. High starred.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Hi John,

I read all of it and enyoyed the general story. The scene setting was good and the characters evolved nicely. However I'd like to make some comments. I felt that too many paragraphs were too long and could be broken up. This included speech where I would have preferred more interactive dialoque. However I tend to prefer less narrative and more speech in fiction. It might be worth indenting all paragraphs too. I've put it on my bookshelf and rated it as good. Would you care to look at my book?

Regards,

Clive

Chap 2: Oh, no! What happened? Humungous amount of extraneous material. Long flashbacks that aren't needed, i.e. Bethany was gang raped because of x,y,z...but that's not why we're here. We're here because of a,b,c. What happens is you have a pack of vague mini-stories. What is the goal of this chapter? In revenge, Laura throws a molotov at the Essential patrol, fails, gets captured. You are great at detail, but this is too much. Do we care how many times and/or how she practiced throwing a bottle? Do we care how she paid for it? You've got to stay in the moment and stay in the second. Play poker with us, don't show us all the cards. It works with planet killer because none of us have watched a meteor impact. Post-apocolypse landscapes, we've been there in movies, games and other books.

Gawd, I wish I could cut/paste sometimes. Kay, "was" needs to be killed in your first 1/2 of the first chapter. Past tense verbs like sliced, burned leave alone. Was burned to burned. You will see the scentence still works nicely. Ones that have a passive: was burning (-ing) make an -ed. Avoid passive like the plague and you will see that in the first bit how much the linking verb was is useless. It becomes and echo, Robo.

Excellent transition from Eros to, hey there's a spaceship! My only tidbit: "The titanium foil heat..." should start its own paragraph. Try to do it whenever there's a "camera change". Dull red/bright red. Choose red once, then use umber or scarlet or rose.
"It carried...bone." Trying to set a record for run-on? Love the description. Love the action. I am with baited breathe but I don't want to pass out reading the line without a pause.
"Exactly...magma." is one, two, three, four lines long.
"Floating...way." A bullet-paragraph that is also one sentence.
End Chap 1: Wow, dawg, this makes me want to read more! (not sarcasm) Visceral experience of planetary mayhem. You leave no explaination of WTF is going on. Doesn't matter, there is enough here to buzz all the senses. In two I expect to know why they are making Venus Habitable and meet the crew of Avalon. This is excellent stuff! I have been so burned out on sci-fi that begins with some moralist speech, humans are evil/us aliens are better, blah, blah, blah. 1950 the day the earth stood still and I could care less. Formatting sentences and paragraphs merely involve return/spacebar/backspace/tab and period. Will read chap 2 tomorrow. Do you do chase scenes too? Lol

Finally got to a chance to read the first two chapters of your book. The first chapter was great. I loved the descriptions of the planet Venus and the asteroid plunging into the surface—vivid, and it appeals to my geologist side. The metaphors were great. The writing flows well, and I enjoyed the read.

It looks like your book is published, so I’m not sure if you’re looking for feedback on your writing, but there were just a couple of things that I noticed:

-(Ch.1) “Plunging even deeper into the thick clouds that shrouded the planet it disappeared as it was engulfed by the thick clouds.” There are a few places where it seems like you use similar descriptors close to each other, and here in particular you used “thick clouds” twice in the same sentence.
-(Ch. 2) Typo: “The reason she chose to endure the ordeal was that it was the on;y commodity she had to exchange for the gasoline.” [only].

I like the premise, and I like the story so far. It’s a great concept, and the science aspect is very interesting.

Good luck, and I hope that you have success drawing readers to your sites.
:-)

-Sarah ES

Hey,

Thoroughly enjoyed the first chapter and second chapters. Your writing style flows well making for easy reading. Good descriptions and character building, I could visualize the scenes and began drawing the characters in my mind. I look forward to reading on further when i have another chance, until then best of luck and keep up the good work.

cheers

Hi,

Just wanted to let you know I thought this book was a thoroughly entertaining read. A truly original concept for a sci-fi lover like myself with the added moral dilemmas of Huxley's 'Brave New World'. I have never had such lengthy discussions over the issues raised in a story like I did after reading this one! If you have an opinion on religion, the state of the economy, the planet or how we should punish criminals, then there is a debate in here for you. :)


Brilliant & imaginative - would love to see on the big screen!

Thank you so much for your kind words Zoe. It means a LOT to new authors to gets such positive reviews.

Book: Venus
Author: John Dunn

Hi,

Just wanted to let you know I thought this book was a thoroughly entertaining read. A truly original concept for a sci-fi lover like myself with the added moral dilemmas of Huxley's 'Brave New World'. I have never had such lengthy discussions over the issues raised in a story like I did after reading this one! If you have an opinion on religion, the state of the economy, the planet or how we should punish criminals, then there is a debate in here for you. :)


Brilliant & imaginative - would love to see on the big screen!

Too much information too soon. It needs breaking up or it will not hold it's reader. How about this for an idea. The information of impending doom is being passed from teacher to pupils. Kids being kids will interact with the teacher allowing you to produce as much information as you wish, with the added bonus of keeping the reader. Remember a thriller must thrill

Hi Pretzki, With all due respect, are you sure you are writing about my book? I do not understand how your comment relate to my story in any way?? And your comments about pupils and teachers leve me completely baffled as neither are mentioned anywhere in my book??? Unles you can clarify in some way I have to assume it was a mistakenly placed post :-) Yours mystified, John

Too much information too soon. It needs breaking up or it will not hold it's reader. How about this for an idea. The information of impending doom is being passed from teacher to pupils. Kids being kids will interact with the teacher allowing you to produce as much information as you wish, with the added bonus of keeping the reader. Remember a thriller must thrill

your narrative style is flowing, for this fascinating piece. good descriptions, and l shall back...
read SEASONS...

Thanks Su. Took a look at Seasons and found your writing style very readable. Actually makes me care for the characters and want to know how this all unfolds. Have backed it too.

your narrative style is flowing, for this fascinating piece. good descriptions, and l shall back...
read SEASONS...

Mankind has been unsuccesful thus far in identifying another planet that can sustain Earth life. The search has spread so far that we are now looking in impractically distant galaxies. Even if an ideal off-the-shelf planet were located, the logistics of attempting to colonize it, utilizing current technology, would be overwhelmingly difficult if not impossible due to journey time and the relatively short duration of a human life span. For the same reasons, if we ever reached there, after the several generations that the journey time took, two way communications with Earth would be extremely difficult. And, would there be anyone left to care or even to listen. Re-engineering a planet within our Solar system, although extremely difficult, would be a much more practical solution.
Interestingly, the creation of a new world also presents an opportunity to create a new world order.
Would we import the same mistakes and problems?
This is a fictional story of such an attempt with the planet Venus.