The Infernal Throne

The Infernal Throne

Kitten,

Lucifer dethroned, and an inexperienced necromancer trying to help him out with getting his power back – that sounds like my cup of tea. The pitches are great, I liked the last sentence of the full pitch – ‘…nothing is ever really that simple.’
The first paragraph of Chapter 1 is a great opening to a book. You create a certain mood and atmosphere around Satan, ‘feared, loathed and … fascinating…’ – I like this part. I find the idea of a necromancer looking after Lucifer original. I got really hooked when the company came to Scarlett’s house. A great image of her sitting on a throne, with a mask concealing her face! A memorable character for sure.
The chapter is easy to read, the sentences flowing in a smooth stream, I loved that. The last paragraph made me want to return to The Infernal Throne to read more chapters once I have the opportunity. On the whole, I find the concept a very strong foundation for a ravishing book. Way to go!

Six star rated!

Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

I saw your book by chance and couldn't resist reading it despite my return read list being so long. Your short and long pitch drew me in, but your book is so utterly cool, I kept reading until I had read all you have posted. I love Harley. I can see great things happening with this character. She's unique, bright, and powerful-- even the angels are coveting her.

I was completely caught up in the world you've created. I wish I knew more about the history of angels and Christianity, but I it was completely unnecessary because your details and plot filled in all of the things I needed to know. This is excellent work, truly. I was so engrossed in the story, please let me know if you upload more.

Several years ago, while I was in college, I came across a very old book in the library. I can't remember the exact title, but it was a dictionary of angels. It was fascinating. I remember skimming through it and it inspired me to write a lot of poetry. I just searched for the book online, but if I can find it, I'll message you with the title. Best of luck with this book.

I decided to skim through my watch-list of more than thirty books and pick the one that sounded most interesting. The Infernal Throne won. Then I saw Lucia had left a positive comment, and I trust her judgment more than most people's on this site. Once I started reading, your story captivated me. I'm already fascinated in angels and demons, and the fact that it began in Lucifer's perspective completely intrigued me, especially since you succeeded in making him sympathetic. With my expectations high, I was prepared to be let down, but the quality of your writing and your presentation of the story impressed me.

I hate leaving a book without some suggestion, so if I had to recommend anything, I'd recommend working in a better balance between narrative and dialogue. As it is, this feels awfully heavy on the dialogue, and while it's well-written, the balance is off in my eyes.

Nevertheless, this book deserves some recognition. I highly recommend checking it out.

Why is this falling back?? This book is amazing! I've put you back on my shelf.
Good Luck!

The Infernal Throne

This is not a genre that I know anything about so it will be more sensible for me to concentrate on the more general aspects that I notice.

Short pitch: This is perfect. Short, strong and yet complete in its message. Well done.

Long pitch: I think this is OK – but there are little linguistic things you could do to sharpen it a bit. For example, in your second sentence you don’t need “who’s”. And you have a wrong tense in there: ‘needed’.

Main text: This has a strong start though I did think the fourth sentence should begin other than with a bald ‘He’. It needs some contradictory statement. Maybe just ‘But’. It’s good though.

There are redundant words here, which are easy to spot once you start systematically searching for them. For example ‘voice pierced through’ you don’t need “through”, it’s implied in the notion of piercing. Similarly, if he is opening his eyes slowly then they will only be open ‘a little’ won’t they, so you can cut “a little”. All such things tend to sharpen the expression.

Since I no very little about the supernatural world that you are referencing I thought you managed to include what are obviously relevant details very easily into the text. This is a general problem in much fantasy writing and I think you handle it well. There were no desperately clunky expressions piled up with back story or explanation. Good stuff.

Hi Kitten,

So I owe you an apology. I owed you a read and have had this on my WL for quite a while. But here’s the thing. I’ve read this. I know I have, but I don’t see that I’ve rated it and don’t see my comments, which leads me to believe that I read it, made my comments in a word doc (which I always do before copying and pasting them onto the site), but before transferring the comments over, deleted them and didn’t rate, thinking that I had. Ugh. So I apologize. In my defense, I have moronic moments :).

So here I am. Below are my findings. They are, of course, my humblest opinions.

Your short pitch is excellent, and believe me, I’m harsh on pitches. Small thing, though…I’m not sure “the” has to be capitalized.

The sentence “Only he’s been reduced…” could be polished. It gets kind of awkward.

Watch your tenses. You go from present tense to past tense all of a sudden (“All he needed…”)

For the last paragraph, change this to more active voice. For example, “It’s a simple choice…” might be more powerful as “(The narrator) is faced with helping Lucifer regain control over Hell or leave his replacement in charge in hopes he’s too distracted by his war with Heaven.”

The premise is great, but the pitches are unclear at times and could use some scrubbing.

Chapter one

This is a good opening paragraph, but you use “he” and “his” a lot. Might consider varying it up a bit.
“…said the voice. He frowned and glanced around for the source of the voice.” Maybe change that last part to “its source” to avoid redundancy by saying “the voice” twice

“Harley; he was sure that was her name.” Be careful about overusing semicolons. Publishers don’t like them and they get distracting. It’s kind of awkward here. I’d rewrite this as “He was sure her name was Harley, but his memory was fuzzy.”

“…once you’ve eaten.” Again, to avoid redundancy, I’d chance this to “…after.” As in, “…we can talk about it after,” since you just said he was eating breakfast.

“you’re the one Michael…” This is an odd sentence to me. I don’t understand. There’s only one Michael, or is he the one named Michael, and what’s with the ellipses? Does the thought continue?

I stopped going line by line. Hope that’s OK. Just know that this probably needs a bit of a scrub, which is no biggie. We’re all in the same boat of rewriting and editing.

I absolutely love your voice and how you portray Lucifer. VERY unique and it has a certain charm to it that really carries it. The storyline is fantastic, too. It’s a celestial conflict, but it almost feels human. Deep on many levels.
This is a good read and I’m glad I finally got to it (again). :P

Best of luck!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

I had a great time reading Chapter 3 of The Infernal Throne - I love your characters, the way the interact; your dialogues are really well done!

My favourite part is - “Well now, isn’t this cute? All my little adversaries together.” :)
I hope to read more soon. Sorry for the delay in the comment.

Kindest regards,
Ivan

I love this. They way you portray Satan is just riveting, and I could barely stop myself reading to write this. :)

Watch-listed for now and I'll get it on the shelf asap.

Lou
~The Keenest Sorrow.

There is so much about this I love.
The fact that it's read from Lucifer's POV is original. I actually kind of like him. I can see myself getting addicted to this.

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

Interesting idea, and a great character, always, in dear old Lucifer. Enjoyed what I've read (only three chapters as it's almost bedtime here) and will carry on to see how it develops. I try to catch all the other YA writers on here. Have you seen there's a YA crit. group on the forum? Good for getting reads and sharing the genre.
Cariad.

On Chapter 2 of The Infernal Throne

Kitten,

You’ve done great with Gabriel’s depiction at the beginning.
Again, awesome dialogue—you are great at it! Your writing is very clean and is a real pleasure to read. Well-structured sentences make it an enjoyable book.
The part with the sword was really well-done! :)

I want to read more and I’ll return to The Infernal Throne soon.
Kindest regards,
Ivan Amberlake

I loved when Harley said he doesn’t deal with angels but the dead. LOL. it was so funny to me. I don’t think you meant it to be but it was and a very good thing. That was my hook. :/ Funny how small things can interest your readers. The trick is to have many so you can hook a broader range of people

I love the idea with Lucifer. That’s a first and it’s one of those blockbuster ideas. 6 stars. I was going to give you five but decided not to. The only reason why was because your chapter was just way to long, and that’s a bad thing for a book on authonomy. So maybe consider splitting it in two chapters.
This is definitely one to come back to

I've read a few book with the Lucifer theme lately. It seems to be an up and coming theme...maybe going to take over the whole vampire craze? Anyways, I think you are on to a really great idea. Your description was engaging and made me want to read more. I am watch listing you and will come back when I have more time. If you ever want me to read a specific chapter, just tell me. I'll be happy to take a second look. Best of luck with this!

Ashley

I'm very interested in this pitch and the setup, not to mention the characters, and I will make sure I read further. However, points that stuck out to me so far are:
- necromancers might be powerful, but surely there should be SOME sort of awe or nervousness at the presence of Lucifer in their midst? Particularly Harley, young and inexperienced as she is. If there is a good reason why she isn't, shouldn't this be commented on, shouldn't Lucifer wonder about it? Likewise, all Lucifer has to do is say "Samael's taken over and he's going to cause a war" and the Ultimate Power of Earth just shrugs and says "OK, let's save the world again". I think it would work better if Liam was harder to convince, more distrustful of Lucifer and his motives.
- "only a handful made it to the point where no longer ageing mattered": I think that should probably be "where ageing no longer mattered".
- when you have four different characters talking, there should really be some sort of identifier most times a new speaker starts up so we know who's saying what. It IS possible to work it out from context and character, but it's a chore that distracts from the flow of the story.
- In my personal opinion, I think there are too many breaks of scene change. Maybe consider dividing it into more chapters, or else find a way of running one into another without the big spaces?

Liked the topic and found your story line very creative. Find angels some of the most intriguing characters of all time. Your angels including Lucifer seem to have a likable, tongue and cheek way about them. My only criticsim is the extensive use of dialogue. Overall, well done.
Dina of Halo of theDamned and The Last Degree

Lucifer has lost his throne... I read the premise and I wanted to read it immediately. Awesome premise.

I enter your story and learn from the first scene things about "another" side of our world, mostly the necromancers and little about Hell's hierarchy and the agenda of some of its "leaders". You also used the word Devil as a title, which idea I found interesting and adding to the world you are building.

So, Lucifer, the former Devil -right?- seeks help. Harley accepts and they go to Liam, a person you have me believe he is so powerful he fights angels and demons all alone. Wow. It struck me a bit awkward though, why would you introduce a character like that in so a taken- for- granted way. Harley -and the reader- are given too easy an access to Liam. Necromancers -in my mind- are dark people, with lonesome ways. Liam, felt ...too friendly.

Why would anyone meet a necromancer in a park just like that? It felt a bit weak. Just my opinion.

I will comment on Justin in a sentence and I will leave it at that. He is annoying. And him being annoying had no purpose. Just my opinion again.

The scene with the crazy woman/prophet was one that reminded me of good old fantasy writing... :) I really enjoyed that scene, but after they left I sunk again in the feeling that the characters I am reading about should not be so "lightweight"...

You have a great premise. I cant see how a fantasy reader, any fantasy reader, will read the blurb and wont buy the book. I promise you though, people who read your genre, horror fantasy, will be disappointed early on.

My suggestion is either to reconsider your characterization or to change your genre to YA. I can see it work there as it is.
4 stars for the premise.

All the best!

Yannis

I thought the short pitch was good and your cover very clean. There is an audience for this style of contemporary take on the spiritual world and the Gods. I immediately referenced Daimon by Verity Crowe which is well known on this site. I tend to struggle with books that reference classical characters because I am not well read in that area so I miss the humour of the juxtaposition of the character and his contemporary situation. There are a truckload of readers who do get it however and if you have not already done so I would check out Daimon and look to market this book in to readers who have enjoyed that type of book.
Good luck.
Norton

The Infernal Throne

Kitten,

Lucifer dethroned, and an inexperienced necromancer trying to help him out with getting his power back – that sounds like my cup of tea. The pitches are great, I liked the last sentence of the full pitch – ‘…nothing is ever really that simple.’
The first paragraph of Chapter 1 is a great opening to a book. You create a certain mood and atmosphere around Satan, ‘feared, loathed and … fascinating…’ – I like this part. I find the idea of a necromancer looking after Lucifer original. I got really hooked when the company came to Scarlett’s house. A great image of her sitting on a throne, with a mask concealing her face! A memorable character for sure.
The chapter is easy to read, the sentences flowing in a smooth stream, I loved that. The last paragraph made me want to return to The Infernal Throne to read more chapters once I have the opportunity. On the whole, I find the concept a very strong foundation for a ravishing book. Way to go!

Six star rated!

Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

I decided to skim through my watch-list of more than thirty books and pick the one that sounded most interesting. The Infernal Throne won. Then I saw Lucia had left a positive comment, and I trust her judgment more than most people's on this site. Once I started reading, your story captivated me. I'm already fascinated in angels and demons, and the fact that it began in Lucifer's perspective completely intrigued me, especially since you succeeded in making him sympathetic. With my expectations high, I was prepared to be let down, but the quality of your writing and your presentation of the story impressed me.

I hate leaving a book without some suggestion, so if I had to recommend anything, I'd recommend working in a better balance between narrative and dialogue. As it is, this feels awfully heavy on the dialogue, and while it's well-written, the balance is off in my eyes.

Nevertheless, this book deserves some recognition. I highly recommend checking it out.

K.,

I just backed your excellent novel, THE INFERNAL THRONE. If you could please have a look at my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for your possible backing, it would be appreciated. Thank you,

Dwain-Thomas

Good luck and happy writing.

I love this book, it not only has a great storyline, but its full of angels - and they are a secret obsession of mine.
However Michael is not the Angel of death in your book, so I presume its not a Christian, or is it Catholic version of angels - gets complicated, doesn't it? Who would ever guess Angels were believed by so many different religious cultures?
Does it matter? Its great reading. It's an imaginative and an origional story.
6 STARS FOR individuality
Junetee(Four Corners) Look for the angels in my book !

I saw your book by chance and couldn't resist reading it despite my return read list being so long. Your short and long pitch drew me in, but your book is so utterly cool, I kept reading until I had read all you have posted. I love Harley. I can see great things happening with this character. She's unique, bright, and powerful-- even the angels are coveting her.

I was completely caught up in the world you've created. I wish I knew more about the history of angels and Christianity, but I it was completely unnecessary because your details and plot filled in all of the things I needed to know. This is excellent work, truly. I was so engrossed in the story, please let me know if you upload more.

Several years ago, while I was in college, I came across a very old book in the library. I can't remember the exact title, but it was a dictionary of angels. It was fascinating. I remember skimming through it and it inspired me to write a lot of poetry. I just searched for the book online, but if I can find it, I'll message you with the title. Best of luck with this book.

Very interesting premise, I will keep my eye on this. Spotted on or two mistakes so far - second odd line, I think 'people' should perhaps be 'person', and there's a 'bob of silvery hair' that's missing the 'of' but I understand it is just a draft so nothing serious there! The idea is strong, as is the writing to back it up, and while it's a little more fantastical that I am used to, I am enjoying it! Having done a little research into demons myself, I am finding some of the names thrown in - Samael, Lilith - strangely familiar!

Look forward to reading more when I have the time. For now, highly rated.

TJB