Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 24286
date submitted 15.11.2008
date updated 14.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Crime
classification: universal
incomplete

Savannah Passion

Alan Chaput

It only takes a blink, mere days, for Hayley Falcon’s charmed life to collapse into deadly chaos. Out of the mayhem a new Hayley emerges.

 

Hayley Falcon is a gun-toting socialite from a deep-rooted Southern family. She is bound by tradition and driven with the ambition that has lifted her family to prominence for centuries.

Unknown to Hayley, her husband, a mob-lawyer, and her father, her mentor and foundation, both lead double lives. Her increasingly distant husband is a government deep cover operative. Her father is a member of a secretive group who has protected Savannah for centuries. Lurking behind the scenes is a powerful, ex-judge bent on revenge for past sins committed against him by the Falcon family.

How much change can Hayley take? Separation from a lying husband. A two-faced father. Public slander of her family. Attempts on her life. The threat of extermination of her entire family.

Inextricably caught in something that can destroy her, Hayley’s only hope is help from the very family members who betrayed her … and the gun she carries inside her designer purse.

“Savannah Passion” is a blend of the southern imagery of Pat Conroy, the suspense intensity of Harlan Coben, and the storytelling of Sandra Brown interlaced with all the page turning elements: love, betrayal, bloodshed and redemption.

Complete at 80,000 words.

Revised April 28, 2012

 
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tags

contemporary, forgiveness, georgia, mainstream, mass-market, mystery, romance. mob, savannah, southeast, southern, thriller, trust, women's fiction

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ONE

Hayley Falcon stood rigidly in front of another ‘No Trespassing’ sign.

This piece of coastal Georgia wetlands had remained untouched since the Revolutionary War, yet a developer was proposing to defile it with a nightmarish sprawl of luxury estates. Her stomach churned. She would gladly use her legal skills to save as much as possible.

She clenched her fists, resisting the urge to kick down the rusted marker. Years ago, when she was an idealistic teenager, she probably would have spent the day collecting the offensive signs and selling them to some scrap dealer. Now, vandalism was unimaginable.

On either side of her, aged oaks towered and intertwined to form a dense ceiling. She’d seen old oaks, but nothing like these dinosaurs. Beauty. Grace. Magnificence. Nothing man-made could compare to such perfection.

The pungent aroma of marsh mud scented the warm September air. A coastal saltwater marsh was less than a quarter mile away. Birds chirped. Their songs mingled with the rustle of leaves to soothe her, though her mind fumed over what might happen to this place.

    Her boots crunched decayed foliage as she walked to a tree so massive that she and three others could never get their arms around it. She stopped at its base and pressed her hands against the trunk. A sense of union with nature filled her.

This wild forest, home to innumerable species, was too precious to be abandoned to development. She shivered, but not from cold. Endangered plants grew here. Bald eagles nested. Alligators sunbathed.

Paradise. She inhaled a deep breath, savoring the mixed aromas, then took one last mental snapshot, for future recall. Ageless southern wilderness unmarred by man.

With a purposeful stride, she headed down the property line, careful to stay on the public right-of-way.

Hayley scanned the limbs above. Gnarled arms draped with gray Spanish moss arched from furrowed trunks. She strained to see what might be lurking.

There. In the shadows. 

A bald eagle watched her intently.

She tugged up her camera and zoomed the lens, but before she could focus, the eagle shrieked, beat its wings and lifted into the air. It circled, rising, then flew off through a break in the canopy toward the marsh. The shadows appeared empty.

She knew better. The forest teemed whether or not she saw the critters.

    Hayley walked the border marked by the rusted signs and photographed several protected trees. Irreplaceable centenarian treasures. Not a place for mansions and country clubs.

Returning her camera to her backpack, she took a sip of bottled water, and hiked the narrow footpath back toward the dirt road she’d driven in on.

    As she emerged from the tunneled path cut through a house-high rhododendron thicket, she froze. Her heart fluttered.

A hefty man with a sour frown and a rifle notched in his arm was standing next to her SUV. Who ... who was he? What was he doing here? What did he want? A hunter? Hunters didn’t wear city clothes.

His dark brown eyes were glinting with menace as they roamed over her, lingering where they shouldn’t.

Hayley glanced down. Her sweat-stained tee-shirt clung to her, revealing too much. Not good. Not good at all. Her body warmed. The forest quieted. Not a sound. Nothing but the quick thumping of her heart.

She cast a quick glance up and down the road to see if the gunman had a partner lurking. He appeared alone and she could see no vehicle nearby.

Hayley took a deep breath. Okay. First thing first. The rifle barrel was aimed downward. His trigger finger was pointed forward in the safe position.

    “Can I he’p ya?” he asked in a scruffy, smoky voice.

    “No.” She headed to the far side of her SUV, putting the truck between them.

    He followed. “You’s that lady lawyer they told me ‘bout, aint cha? Well ya cain’t be here snoopin’ around. This here is private property, ya hear?”

    She reached for the door handle, but his calloused hand grabbed her wrist. A shudder ripped through her, igniting the nerves on her neck like a fire ant bite.

    Hide the fear. Don’t show weakness or vulnerability. Strength was her only weapon, her only deterrent. Being strong and forceful in the courtroom had not only won her many cases, they had won her the respect of others. Gain this man’s respect, now. She stared into his glinting eyes. “Is this your property?”

    “No.” The harshness of his tone suggested he didn’t take kindly to challenge.

    She tried to pull her hand away.

    He squeezed tighter, pinching her fingers.

    “This is a county road. Do you work for the county?” she asked as firmly as she could manage, hoping to mask her pain, her fear.

    “No.”

    Hayley used her other hand to peel his fingers away. She summoned her strongest tone. “I didn’t trespass and I was just leaving.” With a knot in her stomach and a trembling, aching hand, she opened the door. Though her SUV was parked on public property and she hadn’t actually trespassed, she had to be wary of a man with a rifle, an unknown purpose, and who-knew-what for brains.

    The stranger pointed to the trail head. “What wuz ya doin’ back there?”

    “Hiking.”

    “Ya take any pictures?”

    “No.” The word caught in her dry mouth.

    “Mind if I have a looksee in ya knapsack?”

    “I mind very much. Whatever I have in my bag is none of your business.” Her voice crackled with nerves.

    Nostrils flaring, he raised the rifle barrel to her chest. “Lady, don’t give me no trouble.”

    She held up her hand, palm out to him. “Okay. Just put the gun down.”

    He lowered the rifle, but a twisted, ugly smile threatened. “The bag.”

    Relieved that the rifle no longer seemed an immediate danger, she eased the pack from her shoulders and opened the top.

    How many times had she thought about this very moment? How many times had she practiced her move, her response, her self-preserving defense? But target practice was just holes punched through paper. Reality had come. The game had started. It was time to test her skills, her courage.

    Hayley searched her bag until her trembling fingers found the familiar, cold, knurled grip.

    It was a one-way street. Once entered, she couldn’t turn back. What if he reacted and tried to shoot her? It could go either way. Him or me.

    But, she was a Falcon. Falcons didn’t retreat or cower in fear. Falcons led, challenged, and fought for righteousness. Settle down. Do it ... and do it right.

In one fluid motion, she brought out her .38 snub-nosed revolver, cocked it and aimed at his face. “Now, bubba, unless you’re ready to die to see what’s in this bag, get out of my way.”

    “S ... sure, lady.” Fear filled the stranger’s eyes and erased the smile. He backed off, rifle still lowered.

“Who are you?” Hayley asked in a voice gaining confidence from the strong feel of the gun in her hand.

    No reply.

    “Who do you work for?” she asked, keeping an eye on his trigger finger.

    “You’ll have to shoot me.”

    “Why are you here?”

    “If I were you, I’d delete them pictures and never come back.”

    “Well, bubba, you’re not me. And Miss Colt and I will go wherever we please. You got a truck close by?” she asked. His type always drove trucks, complete with fancy gun racks for their Bambi-killing pea shooters.

The small handgun became heavier in her extended hand. Her shoulder muscles burned.

    He nodded.

    “Where?”

    “Back down the road a bit.”

    “Throw me the keys.”

    He shook his head.

    Hayley lowered the gun and tightened her finger on the trigger. Bam! The gun jerked. Dirt flew up between his feet.

    Eyes wide, staring at the raised barrel, the man dug into his pocket and tossed her the keys.

    The smell of cordite excited her, elevated her courage. The gun seemed lighter, an extension of her being, her purpose. She was a part of the club now.

“Now your rifle, on the ground.”

    He held the rifle close. Hesitated.

    She wiggled her revolver. “Looking stupid is not your fault, but being stupid is a choice, a deadly one.”

    He placed his gun on the road.

    “Keys and rifle will be on the hood of your truck. Now, take a hike.” Hayley waved the revolver dismissively.

    The jerk took off, head down, trudging out the road, muttering indecipherable words.

    Years of making cases for clients reminded her that hard data, proof, was indisputable.

    Hayley laid her gun on the hood, pulled her camera from the backpack, and yelled, “Hey. Bubba.”

    Not more than twenty yards away, he turned.

    She snapped his picture.

    Glaring, he gave her the finger, turned and kept walking.

    Her adrenaline rush mixed with fear created nausea along with the shakes. She stumbled behind the truck. Grabbing the bumper to assist her weak knees, she bent and vomited her gyro sandwich.    She spat acidic bile from her mouth, wiped her face on her tee-shirt sleeve and walked back to the passenger’s door.

    The man was gone. She tucked the revolver into her waistband, and threw her knapsack, his keys and the rifle into her SUV. She got in, keyed the engine, and drove down the road.

She passed the jerk down the road and found his truck just a quarter mile beyond. She placed the rifle and his keys on the hood and took a picture. Then she went around to the back of his pickup and snapped a shot of his license plate.

    No doubt the guy had made a note of her license number and would report the incident. She might have to explain. But, she was prepared for him, his bosses, their lawyers and the Planning Commission. She had more than enough pictures of the forest to illustrate to the Commission exactly what was at stake in this case.

*    *    *

    “Your strategy to deal with Kincaid’s proposal to develop the Tybee Marsh property is brilliant,” Jake Sutherland said from across Hayley’s desk. He smiled, revealing perfect teeth. Jake was, as usual, impeccably dressed.

    Hayley nodded as she put her coffee cup down. She’d known Jake, a wiry legal affairs manager for the Sierra Club, for years. “Regardless, he’s got a good shot at getting Planning Commission support,” she said.

    His round dark eyes widened. “Why’s that?”

    “Money.”

    His mouth twisted. “Payoffs?”

    She nodded.

    “You have evidence?”

    “Nothing that would stand up in court, but only money would hire a thug to follow and harass me.”

    “Kincaid’s been clean until now.” Jake shook his head, his blond hair dancing over his shoulders. “What changed?”

    “A backer with big money on the line.”

    “Who?” 

    “Not sure.” She reached for her cup and took a sip of lukewarm coffee.

    “Local?”

    “Don’t think so.”

    “Legit?”

    “Legit doesn’t threaten.”

    His brown eyes narrowed. “Mob?”

    “Could be.” The answer was as lukewarm as her coffee. But it was all she had. At the moment. She’d been up most of the night trying to find a connection and hadn’t found anything firm.

    Jake shifted in his chair. “If a fix is on, that makes protecting the wetland much harder.”

    “This is important to me. I’ll do my best.”

    He nodded. “That’s why we use you, Hayley. Slow them down. Compromise if you have to, but protect as much of the marsh as you can.”

    She straightened in her chair. “I appreciate your confidence.”

    “Speaking of which.” Jake pulled a letter from his briefcase, reached across the desk, and handed her the document. “We’d like to put you on permanent retainer.”

    Her jaw dropped. This ... this opportunity was the last thing she had expected. This meant she could focus all her energies on this one special case. She could bring in others. What a game changer.

Hayley took the agreement and read it. The fee wasn’t exceptional, but it would do. Material things weren’t high on her priority list. Satisfying work was.

She’d successfully completed occasional legal work for the Sierra Club over the past three years. And now they wanted to make the relationship permanent. Yeah. She grabbed her pen and signed the agreement with a flourish.

    Jake leaned forward on bronzed arms. His eyes darkened. “About the Kincaid business.”

    “Yes.”

    “If the mob is involved . . .?”

    “Jake. There’s no the mob. There’s Chinese, Japanese, Russian, Columbian, Mexican and who-knows-who-else organized crime. ‘Mob’ doesn’t cut it.”

    “Okay, Hayley. If Kincaid is involved in organized crime, his backers won’t play nice.”

    “I’ll be careful.” Hayley pulled her purse, with the Colt revolver, closer, reassured by the security of a weapon she now had confidence in using. Her killing would be limited to paper targets, hopefully.

    “You do that,” Jake said. He paused for a long moment, then asked, “Why do you do this work?”

    “Because I care.”

    “You said there was a man with a gun out there. You were alone. You put your life on the line because you care?”

    “Of course. Otherwise criminals would overrun our city. That’s not going to happen.” She sat back and looked out the bulletproof window, toward the tree-filled square where the weathered statue of her ancestor, Amos Falcon, stood. “You see that statue out there. That’s one of my ancestors. My family has been in Savannah for nearly three hundred years. Many have put their lives on the line for this city. My grandfather did and then he taught me to do the same.  The people of Savannah deserve justice, and I’ll do what I can to make sure they get it.”

    “You can’t save the world.”

    “I know.” She smiled. “But I can make our corner of it a little safer, and more peaceful.”

 

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HarperCollins Wrote

‘Savannah Passion’ is the story of Hayley Falcon, a gun-toting, heal-wearing public advocacy lawyer, whose life is thrown off course when the secret lives of her closest family begin surface.

The principal sticking point of this novel is the pitch. It is classified as ‘thriller fiction’, but doesn’t fall naturally into this genre in the first 8 chapters. Thriller novels rely on tension, mystery and high-drama, and whilst ‘Savannah Passion’ has touches of these, it seems much more focussed on romance and sexuality (subjects also strongly implied in the current title), with side themes of empowerment and politics. The novel may well fall more naturally into the thriller genre after these chapters, but it is still crucial to hook in the target readership as early as possible, particularly in a market where there is an increasing trend of trying extracts before you buy books.

That said, the author does hook in the open-minded reader with a dramatic first sequence. The description of the coastal Georgia wetland is vivid, setting up the strong sense of place that will pervade the subsequent narrative. I was drawn in by the fight to save the land from urbanisation that Hayley is caught up in; it felt relevant and genuine, and immediately gives her character depth and a human quality. Equally, her marital problems, her relationships with her parents and with her gifted daughter, and the mysterious personality of her father and of the Judge who seeks to bring him down are all strong threads of narrative. However, I did feel too many things were introduced at once; subjects were often picked up and then abandoned. For instance, we are told that Hayley has been followed and harassed, potentially by the local mob, but there is no subsequent mention of this. This leaves questions unanswered for too long and allows the reader’s suspense to dissolve. Assuming this is to be returned to in later chapters, a restructure of how the various storylines work together would make the overall narrative more gripping. There’s a lot here to capture the reader’s interest, but it is still very unclear what the central storyline will be.

The novel is certainly engaging, though, and this is largely testament to the characters. The idea of sexually empowered, successful business woman who is also a loving mother, all in spite of a far from perfect family life has broad appeal. And I liked the fact that Hayley is offset by Augusta, a young woman trying to reach the same success in life through any cost. Indeed, I was very drawn to the dynamic of these two women, and their unknowing closeness to each other (though, I did wonder at the pitching of Hayley as the heroine, given the role Augusta plays in these early chapters). A much keener focus on this pair, using them to gradually uncover the perspectives of characters like Shawn and the Judge, would likely help to alleviate some of the structural problems outlined above.

I’d advise being careful to keep characters consistent, though, and as authentic as possible (this I believe links back to the fragmentary storylines discussed above). We know, for example, that Hayley carries a gun. But is this a positive or negative thing? What does this say about her? In many ways it contradicts the strength of character you have given her elsewhere. As I said before, it is possible that these loose ends are tied in subsequent chapters, but the author needs to be careful to not leave their readers waiting too long. And, remember that images of ‘guns in handbags’ have very different connotations to different readers.

Outside of these comments, I would simply suggest neatening up the writing, which has an occasional tendency to be hyperbolic or clichéd. It is clear that this writer has the ability to construct very fresh images; I loved the description of Hayley’s father and daughter dancing as “The fabric of her life, beautifully rolled out”. But not all of the writing is so effective. If you can’t find a suitable metaphor, don’t use one; often plain description is just as successful. In particular, I’d watch out for similes that are too obscure or long-winded, such as “curiosity festered like a swarm of palmetto bugs in an abandoned marsh-side shanty”.

Overall this is an interesting concept with some very strong characterisation. However, the concern is where this particular title would fit in a mainstream marketplace, and whether it is too specifically Savannah focussed to capture the imagination of the everyday reading public. Addressing these issues, and in particular focussing on the tropes and expectations demanded by genre will make this a much more marketable book.

whitechief wrote 174 days ago

Al, this is so very different from what I've read of you. Much polished and quite engaging. I especially like the beginning, so eloquently described.
Will read more later.
Cheers.
Ravi

whitechief wrote 174 days ago

Al, this is so very different from what I've read of you. Much polished and quite engaging. I especially like the beginning, so eloquently described.
Will read more later.
Cheers.
Ravi

Nabahood23 wrote 274 days ago

I've added you to my bookshelf. I will read it but I will leave one comment. Don't like to litter pages with comments when one over all will do. Please be patient and be kind enough to remind me if you do not recieve a review in a few days. My wife is in the hospital so I'm running. I've placed my latest non-fiction here for review feel free to read it. https://www.facebook.com/ReginaldLeviWalker

jollyoldsaint wrote 302 days ago

Thanks for the e-mail...you've hooked me right away and I'll be back to read the rest. I live in Jacksonville, FL and that first scene is a vivid snapshot of my Every Day. I hope Hayley kicks Big Developer Butt! My novel, The Favor (I just posted a few chapters) touches on the same issues, but on a Gulf island. Same feeling, though: the oaks, the marsh...life and decay and more life.

Orlando Furioso wrote 383 days ago

Hi Al,
I think you've received one one of the better HC reviews, one which seems more usesul than some of them.
The reviewer's use of 'neatening up' almost made me fall off my chair though.
And that final comment about your story being 'too specificlly Savannah focussed' is one I wld take issue with.
As a Brit who has never been to Savannah -- other than through the pages of MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND EVIL -- the place name sweats romance. I am the sort of reader -- albeit only one -- who reads in part to escape to new and exotic places through fiction. I wld love to visit Savannah because of what I know about American history and also because of reading John Berendt's wonderful yarn. I feel that trading on this sort of interest may be a strong selling point.
And, dare one say it, maybe the genre-based thinking of the big houses is beginning to feel a little weary now that everything is far more fluid in our new media world. If a story is a strong -- and the reviewer does seem to like yours -- who cares about genre, pitch issues?
Above all GOOD LUCK with any re-edit you do mate!

Ron Askew
WATCHING SWIFTS (of absolutely NO! commercial value)



olga wrote 383 days ago

Hi

Congrats for getting to the top of the pile. You have worked hard and deserve it. Some heartening comments from Harper Collins. Well done.

Cheers Olga

olga wrote 383 days ago

Hi

Congrats for getting to the top of the pile. You have worked hard and deserve it. Some heartening comments from Harper Collins. Well done.

Cheers Olga

D. L. Crosley wrote 384 days ago

Congratulations!

georgigirl wrote 384 days ago

Congrats! Does this mean you'll be published? I hope so, I've really enjoyed your work and kept it on my shelf until now! Again, congratulations!

Laura Bailey wrote 398 days ago

I really enjoyed reading this. I haven't managed to finish all you've uploaded yet but I'm already hooked. My only criticisms are oddly in the very first paragraphs (1) the first three or four para's can be a little wordy in their descriptions (2) I would rather have read a description of her feelings rather than the rhetorical questions in the hefty man para.

These are small criticisms however and do not detract from your good work.

I would be extremely grateful for your comments on what I have uploaded of my book Beneath the Blossom Tree. The rest will be uploaded shortly.

Best,

Laura

ParisJohn wrote 399 days ago

Alan. Hi there!

I just read through the first chapter of your book and found it to be quite intriguing. I particularly like Hayley and what she represents as a career woman on a mission. This cookie really cares about the job in hand as her connections are real to her corner. I thought the text was concise and very well written. I will def read more later and reckon I am going to enjoy this one over a glass of port. Thanks.

Parisjohn
(Jack the Ripper and the Deadly Fruit of Original Sin)

Lizzie Eldridge wrote 410 days ago

Hi
I just read the first 3 chapters of your book in one sitting which means your writing really draws the reader in. It's not usually the kind of book I'd read which is even more to your credit that you managed to keep my attention and I'll definitely keep reading more. Occasionally, there's a hint of cliche with 'baritone' voices and physical descriptions but that didn't detract from my enjoyment of reading the beginning of your book on a Sunday afternoon. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share your work and good luck with everything :)
Lizzie

QuiteTheSmoothOperator wrote 414 days ago

Hi Alan,

I'm not much good for editing, so all I can give you is a sort of reader's response, and I hope it will be helpful. I like the story idea a lot and the descriptions are beautiful. I'm having a hard time connecting with Hayley and the story, though. I'm not sure why -- it's just not pulling me in. :-( It's probably just me, so good luck with it!

Hope you'll get a chance to take a peek at Maggie-Baby anyway.

Naomi Dathan wrote 449 days ago

My strategy is to comment on single chapter of a work . . . usually chapter 10. In your case, I picked chapter 8. I nitpick for a living (book doctor) so please feel free to disregard anything that doesn’t suit you. I don’t ever mean to offend.

Chapter 8

From your pitch, I see that this is Haley’s story. The concept for the story is terrific – lots of suspense, and Haley’s character arc is going to be fun to watch unfolding.

In Chapter 8, you’ve got an awful lot going on and a lot of points of view. Additional points of view do add to the story, but they should nearly always push the core plot forward. This chapter makes it seem more like Shawn’s story than hers.

The two concerns I see in this chapter are characterization and dialogue.

You describe the marriage counselor inconsistently – she’s gentle, she’s emotionless, she’s encouraging . . . Although you insert a lot of descriptions for her, almost too many, you don’t paint a clear picture of who she is.

Your walk-on characters – the bartender, Omarosa – read like caricatures.

Consider using metaphors to simplify descriptions, particularly of the walk on characters. For instance, you could compare the counselor to, say, a cobra – beautiful, lithe, alert, but able to strike at any moment. You don’t even have to use the word cobra, but by using descriptors related to that, you’ll build a single image that the reader will be able to envision, even if he doesn’t quite put his finger on the word cobra. Be careful to avoid stereotypes “portly bartender.” Although they don’t get much description, each of your bit players has a personality and a story of his or her own. Although we may never hear a word of their back story, they should feel like authentic people.

More importantly, Shawn’s motivations are all over the place. It’s not clear whether he’s going to a minor transition (“I’m going to be faithful from now on”) – as opposed to an actual fundamental change which would come later in the story – or if he just can’t make up his mind. I have the sense that he’s passively responsive to whatever stimulus comes into his universe, and that’s fine too but if that’s the case, he wouldn’t be thinking about it, so much as enduring, say, the counseling appointment, while thinking forward to the drink he’s going to have, etc.

Hayley’s dialogue is a little stilted and her internal dialogue is formal and distant. For instance, you write “She was too wrapped up in the situation to think straight.” This is more the narrator telling us what’s in her head, rather than you allowing the reader to travel in her head, seeing the world through her eyes (and mental filters), thinking her thoughts, pacing with her. The para that begins “Shawn was flawed,” you could have her pacing, talking to herself, pounding the steering wheel. Her thoughts would be fragmented and confused – “I have flaws, too – but, he lied! Over and over” slams the steering wheel, notices a pedestrian glancing nervously at her and forces herself to stop. “I’m going to – I’m going to tell the counselor –“ Drops head against back of seat in defeat. “I can’t even think.”

A closer point of view, particularly in emotional scenes, draws the more reader into the drama of the story.
The dialogue in the confrontation between Max and her mother is very stilted. Max’s sudden shift to real anger is too quick and the “I hate you” falls flat.

Best of luck with this story -- it's going to be a good one!

R. Lee Hart wrote 451 days ago

Alan:

This is one of the best books I've reveiwed on here - it has everything from the get-go; intrigue, underdog vs bully, a plot that begins to thicken, immediately, not to mention superb writing. Short on time now, but I will be back and I am certainly going to shelf and support it.
R.Lee

janderson003 wrote 455 days ago

Alan:

Beautifully written. You grabbed me on the first page and I read 8 chapters. Like your use of dialogue and short paragraphs. You remind me somewhat of Pat Conroy's writing in capturing the essence of the South. I gave you four star ranking. Good Luck.

JIm

Parpho55 wrote 469 days ago

Authonomy is not letting me "back" any books, but I was able to give this 6 stars, and I've got it on my watchlist, because it is a book to watch!!! Fascinating - couldn't stop reading!!!! I highly recommend!

Sandy Arnold wrote 472 days ago

Loved the character, Augusta. I liked the ambiguity of her. On one hand, I was getting all self-righteous about her looking for dirt on the Judge just to advance her career and then I realized that I couldn't wait to get further in the novel to see if she did find any dirt on him. It gave me an opportunity to look at myself. Also, I'm glad you fleshed out the Falcon family. I was wondering where in the novel you would do that. I also liked the in-depth description of the Falcon house. I could have used more of it. You've chosen such a great locale for your novel. There are people (just like me) who would read the book just because it's written about Savannah. I would like more description of the land in the beginning and the Falcon mansion. I also prefer to read about women that are multi-faceted and complex. Good women can be boring and even a little victim-y - also dated. I hope Augusta becomes more developed as I read further.
Sandy

Sandy Arnold wrote 473 days ago

Well done. Fast paced. Main character both likable and believable. Would have liked more descriptive wording about the property in the beginning. Couldn't quite visualize it. I think if you put more into a description of the property, you wouldn't have to be so obvious about the emotions Hayley is feeling. She could be more subtle and the reader would be angry. This book is going to the first on my bookshelf, even though I haven't read any more than the first chapters yet. I know it is well written and deserving of being published. I'll finish reading this to the end because I'm really drawn into the story line. I'd like to repeat my suggestion: Make Hayley a little bit more subtle and complex in her emotions. Let the strong feelings and opinions come from the reader.
Sandra Arnold

Veronica Dauber wrote 482 days ago

Hi Alan,
I read your chapers and found the story just keeps drawing the reader in. It's well written with interesting characters and it's becoming a really deep story. I'm glad I read it! Excellent.
...ronnie dauber (author of Mudslide and Web Secrets)

Barbara Jurgensen wrote 483 days ago

Great opening. You might strengthen the first sentence by deleting 'rigidly' (which it's not easy for us to picture) and pull up 'her stomach churning' from the fourth line to complete the sentence. Also consider removing 'gladly' from line 4--you don't need it. And you could work in a few words of description of what she was wearing in the following paragraphs. You describe the coastal wetlands beautifully; we'd also like picture her in their midst.

EmoryWalden wrote 489 days ago

Feeling bad I didn't read when initially asked. So - just a few quick words on initial impression.

Thought the opening was very strong - jumped right into a dilemma. Thought you did a great job of building character, even from first page. E.g., I loved the discussion regarding her maturity from a young idealist and how she'd behave to how she'd behave now.

descriptive, but not too heavy. 'purposeful stride' to me though - seems like you could drop purposeful. But, in all honesty, that is quite nit-picky. This is excellently written. Here's why I say that - you have a great 360 of the surroundings. They're vivid, originally described. This gives respect to the uniqueness of the setting. In addition to description, things are moving. Questions are being raised.

I'll keep on and get back to you some time in the future. But best of luck to you. I am sure this is going to be a winner!

Shawn Hendricks wrote 491 days ago

Paragraph 3 - since it is 'unimaginable,' why am I asked to imagine it? The paragraph seems superfluous.

Paragraph 4 - a ceiling is over one, not to either side.
-mixing metaphors with dinosaurs, beauty, grace.

Needs a strong tech edit.

Sarah L. wrote 494 days ago

I was hesitant to read this story at first but I'm happy I did. Very nice!

Kladams wrote 500 days ago

You can really feel Hayley's passion for wildlife. I especial liked her comment to Bubba, "Looking stupid is not your fault, but being stupid is a choice..." This made me laugh. I really enjoyed reading this. I feel like I need to go a local wetland and wrap my arms around a tree just to feel what Hayley did when she breathed in the aromas of the forest. Good job.

Nearly wrote 505 days ago

Hi Alan.

I'm putting myself in 'agent mode', so I've only read the first three chapters of this piece. IF it had hooked me I would have read on, but although I kind of liked what you'd written, it didn't grab me.

After a promising first chapter, I felt the pace really tailed off. Good thrillers need short, sharp chapters with a hook at the end of each. This is lacking hooks. You name-check Harlan Coben and he's a master at creating great cliffs at the end of each chapter. This really needs, by Chap 3, to end on a compelling cliff and it doesn't.

I also felt that the characters were rather two-dimensional. I didn't buy into the female characters at all, which is a problem as Hayley is your main protagonist. It can be hard writing in gender opposite and this is obviously a woman written by a man.

That's not to say that this isn't publishable. But, for me, it needs more pace and intrigue from the start. Plus, characters that aren't so cookie-cutter. I'm looking for something a little different from a thriller so, although, this is certainly up there in terms of a good star rating, it won't be finding its way up there on my bookshelf.

Best of luck.

Swan68 wrote 506 days ago

I would like to read more...., it got me interested.

Swan

Fischier wrote 508 days ago

Congratulations on reaching the editor's desk!
Well deserved.

iris robinson wrote 509 days ago

Well done to you !!!!

iris robinson wrote 509 days ago

Well done to you !!!!

Cait wrote 510 days ago

Savanna Passion:

Alan, have just had time to do the first part of chapter one, and will do the rest later if you find any of this useful. These are more of a picky nature, merely for you to think about. I’m no pro so I won’t mind if you disagree with all of it. :o)

And again, congratulations on going through for your review.

Cáit :o)

This piece of coastal Georgia wetlands had remained untouched since the Revolutionary War, yet a developer [was proposing] - wanted to defile it with a nightmarish sprawl of luxury estates.

She clenched her fists, resisting the urge to kick down the rusted marker. Years ago, [when she was] - while still an idealistic teenager, she [probably] would have spent the day collecting the offensive signs and selling them to [some] – a scrap dealer.

Her boots crunched decayed foliage as she walked to a tree so massive [that] she and three others could never get their arms around it.

Where you have - Hayley walked the border marked by the rusted signs and photographed several protected trees. Irreplaceable centenarian treasures. Not a place for mansions and country clubs. – you could try –
~ Not a place for mansions and country clubs, Haley thought, as she walked the border, it marked by rusted signs. She photographed several protected trees. Irreplaceable centenarian treasures.

Or: ~Irreplaceable centenarian treasures, Haley thought, as she walked the border marked by the rusted signs. She photographed several protected trees. Not a place for mansions and country clubs. ~ Says the same thing but paragraph doesn't begin with 'Haley', again.

Returning her camera to her backpack, she took a sip of bottled water, and hiked the narrow footpath back toward the dirt road she’d driven in on. ~She’s multitasking here. Returning the camera and at the same time taking a sip of bottled water?

As she emerged from the tunneled path cut through a house-high rhododendron thicket, she froze. Her heart fluttered. ~ I think, coming across a stranger with a rifle, her heart would more than ‘flutter’? Mine would pound.

A hefty man with a sour frown and a rifle notched in his arm [was standing] -stood next to her SUV.

His dark brown eyes [were glinting] – glinted with menace as they roamed over her, lingering where they shouldn’t.

Hayley glanced down.

She cast a quick glance up and down the road to see if the gunman had a partner lurking. ~Repetition of ‘glance’.

Hayley took a deep breath. Okay. First thing first. The rifle barrel [was] aimed downward. His trigger finger [was] pointed forward in the safe position.

Consider rearranging to: Okay. First thing first. Haley inhaled a deep breath. The rifle barrel aimed downward, his trigger finger pointed forward in the safe position. ~This eliminates another paragraph beginning With ‘Haley’. You have Haley scanned, Haley walked, Haley glanced, and Hailey took - all quite close together.~

She stared into his glinting eyes. ~Repetition of ‘glint’. Maybe ‘ ice-cold’ eyes? Or something different? Piercing eyes? By the way, I’d give him a different colour of eyes as Jake also has brown eyes?

You got a truck close by?” she asked. ~ No need to mention who’s speaking as we already know it’s her?

No doubt the guy had made a note of her license number and would report the incident. She might have to explain. But, she was prepared for him, his bosses, their lawyers and the Planning Commission. She had more than enough pictures of the forest to illustrate to the Commission exactly what was at stake in this case. – I would end the chapter here, and start ch 2 with Haley and Jake in the office?
****


SRWENT wrote 510 days ago

Congradulations Al: Make us proud...

Happy new year

Richard A. Wentworth

EMDelaney wrote 510 days ago

Congrats Al. Way togo.

Mavrick wrote 510 days ago

Al,

I promised that I’d try to take another look at Savannah Passion before the end of the month. I’ve made it, but only just!

Reading the first few pages, I didn’t recognise anything at all from a previous read. I eventually re-read my original comments and noted that most of the things I’d ‘moaned’ about no longer applied – and that Hazel Falcon used to be Sharon??

Anyway, on this occasion I saw nothing that I would change, and very much enjoyed what little I managed to read.

Backed, with pleasure.

Neil

Fischier wrote 511 days ago

Since You asked me to review the book, and it seems to be the whole point of this site to learn from each other (I'm a newbie here) I decided to share my complete review of the first chapter.

The following might sound harsh and dismissive, but please don't be offended. Criticism is a

two-way street!
Please remember that the following review is very much my personal views, and mostly

intended as a way for You to have a look at the script from the angle of someone who hasn't

read it before. I know from my own experience how hard it is to really read a text for the

tenth time and really seeing its problems. Furthermore, my native language is Swedish, not

English, so please excuse all the errors in the review ;-) For the same reason, I won't

bother with spelling, punctuation or grammar.

Chapter one:

On page one I would consider beginning with the paragraph "The pungent aroma". I wouldn't

change anything, just move it. It instantly puts the reader (TR) in place and it's

impossible to stop reading, since TR needs to find out who "she" is and also what was

happening, and what "this place" is.

I would remove "selling to some scrap dealer" this just raises unnecessary questions "why a

scrap dealer, why not just throw them away, were they made of some rarer metal?"

Also why was vandalism unimaginable and now, not then? Also she clearly just imagined it...

I love the sentence "Nothing man-made could compare to such perfection", not only is it

poetic, it also says a lot about her in very few words and explains her next actions.

I would exchange the first reference to Bald Eagles to another animal, it spoils the

surprise and grandeur of the event when she actually sees one.

The passage when she meets the man is very good and has good flow, except that, again, You

spoil the surprise of him being suddenly and physically hostile. I'd consider beginning with

this and then letting Hayley be scared. She's a hard-nosed lady....

Fischier wrote 511 days ago

... (cont'd) She's a hard-nosed lady, would she really be that

scared in broad daylight without provocation? It's not like he's initially threatening her

with the gun, even if it's menacing that it's there.

For the same reason I'd tone-down her fear. Her heart is thumping quicker, she's warmed, the

forest grows quiet, her voice and her hand is trembling, her mouth is dry, she has to take a

deep breath, there's a knot in her stomach, her voice is crackling with nerves, and after

all this, she pulls a gun on the guy and shoots at him?

Generally I'd consider using "less is more" in the descriptions. Too many superlatives can

be tiresome in the long run, and will have lost their poignancy when they are really needed.

Also I'd consider cutting down on the "easy" adjectives generally and try to be more

descriptive, in a few words. When Hayley meets Jake we learn that he has perfect teeth and

long, blond hair, he is impeccably dressed (How? Suit, pullover? Colours, makes? Rings,

shoes, smells? How does the long hair go with the impeccable dressing? How is he moving,

smiling? confident? worried? Round face, tall man, weak jaw, big feet?)
Instead we first learn that he has round, dark eyes and then that he has brown eyes, then

his eyes gets even darker.

Then, further down, after a very well written and interesting conversation, we learn where

they are. I'd again consider describing the place much earlier, "placing" TR i the room, and

ending the first paragraph with something that would keep TR reading.
Please let me know if You'd like me to continue.

SRWENT wrote 511 days ago

Hi Al, I had a thought: the chapter is long and could be broken up into short chapters.

RA Wentworth

SRWENT wrote 511 days ago

Hi AL, one sentence bothered me. THE AIR WAS DENSE" Once again, describe the humidity of Savanna, the Farrerie dissappeared and now is a sports car...


A suggestion: while Nate and Hayley are talking could...she fantasize about him and her? or...? a spark that sends her mind realing on a sexual fantasy!

Richard A. Wentworth

Frank Talaber wrote 511 days ago

HI Alan
Indeed a well written and paced book. I like the first opening chapters, Hayley seems very believable and I liked the tension between her and her husband. I myself would have started the opening chapter somewhere around where the man says "Can I he'p ya". that would make for a stronger opening and pull readers in better. Fit the rest in later. The ending on chapter one seemed weak. Chapter two seems to have very little indents for paragraphs, except where there's dialogue. Very off putting, not sure if that's a font thing, might want to check it out. I liked the ballsy Sophie, seems like a friend Hayley would have, similiar to her. In chapter three I had a problem with her not just asking for the address in the opening. I'd have just said something like "I already know it, but give it anyway". I really liked the expression ' like a swarm of palmetto bugs' I don't know what those are like, but it was unique to the charactor and the area. I have to check them out. Again very well written and I'll probably read more later.
Thanks
Frank

SRWENT wrote 512 days ago

Hi Al, I'll read more this weekend and to dee what I'm saying for descriptiona go read ON THE ROAD by ANTON CHEKHOV start at the line

"OUT SIDE A STORM WAS RAGING/" its the fourth paragraph were this remarkable scene is.

Richard or SR

Richard W Hardwick wrote 512 days ago

Hello there
I've read the first two chapters and am struggling to give you any advice to be honest.
Your writing, as someone else said, is very clean - and that I applaud - because one thing that doesn't work for me is too much superfluous stuff and sentences that waffle.
However, it must be said that this is not really my thing. I struggle to feel a great deal for the characters - although you are obviously showing some depth and cracks in the relationship. The stereotype of such characters puts me off - American, highschool, successful, friends surgically enhanced etc etc - it just doesn't do a great deal for me for some reason.
I do think I could be drawn more into it by more happening in chapter two - probably by extending it and adding, or simply by ratcheting up the tension somewhat. Also, although the writing is clipped and neat, it sometimes seems a little too much clipped and neat to me. I'd quite like that pattern to be broken up a little with some meandering sentences, and perhaps the clipped and neatness of the characters further broken up by revealing some more about them - either back in time or about what is about to happen - a little bit more grabbing perhaps.
Finally, it should be said that I'm in a pretty glum mood and that can't have helped, and also - you're number two so you're doing loads right already, and there's plenty of great reviews before this one.
So good luck and sorry I couldn't be more helpful and enthusiastic
Richard

jonsdawn wrote 512 days ago

I liked the opening, felt it needed a little more discription of why she felt at one with the tree but that could just be me. Good opening

Marita A. Hansen wrote 513 days ago

Chapter 1: This is a very clean chapter. I could find nothing grammatically wrong with it. I only noticed one thing that you might like to look at. See your lines below:
She got in, keyed the engine, and drove down the road.
She passed the jerk down the road and found his truck just a quarter mile beyond.
“down the road” is repeated within close proximity. You could maybe change the first “drove down the road” to “drove off.” Or you could take out the second one. Either way, I’m just being pedantic :) but thought you’d like to know.

In relation to the story, and its structure it was a very good first chapter, setting up the ecological and criminal elements nicely. Hayley is a good MC, strong and not letting some hick get one over her. Also, I thought the dialogue was excellent, the bad guy’s lines nicely contrasting with Hayley’s more refined speech. I’m not familiar with Southern talk but was wondering whether his words “give me” could be changed to “gimme.” This may be more ghetto speak so don’t change it unless you think it would fit his character.

I wish you all the best with your editorial review, and I hope you have a very Happy New Year (with getting your book published). All the best, Marita.

Paul G wrote 513 days ago

Alan,
This is not the sort of book I would generally read, but I did check it out at your request, and the writing is very good. It should be a great success. Backed.

Paul G

Chris Wilson wrote 513 days ago

I can see why your book is ranked number two (at the minute), I love it! I might read it again later!

MonicaR wrote 514 days ago

This is a great start. I like your style and the words paint a picture and flow well. I am looking forward to reading more.

apelle wrote 514 days ago

You are obviously a seasoned and passionate writer with good human insite and the ability to use fact / fiction crossover storylines.


It's good to see this new system works and the cream rises to the top. This is a very polished work. Deserves it's top spot! It's got it all.

Adina

GroovyNikki wrote 514 days ago

Taking a look through the first chapter, your use of character description is so vivid i feel like I'm right along side with Haley and i can feel her emotions as well this is so great and I can't wait to read further! Amazing!
Nikki

newcomer wrote 514 days ago

Alan
I've read more of your book and I'm sorry to see it has slipped to second place. I have now backed it and hope that this might help you to regain the top place.
John

Prince Josue Chenelle wrote 515 days ago

Good work.
I love your work, it was intricately written. The synopsis was especially well written, left me with the urge of wanting more, good job. Great character by the way, that Hayley Falcon to be precise. She somehow reminds me of a tattoo corvette if that makes sense at all. This is a score as far as I'm concern. I would gladly have it on my book shelve.
thanks.