The first book of Terrors - The Fear of the Lord is the Beginning of Wisdom

Hi, A Walker –this is an unforgivably late review from AudreyB. I recently audited my comments and discovered I owed TWENTY TWO reciprocal reviews. I am filled with shame. On the other hand, my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, never feels shame. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I feel especially terrible about not reading your work sooner; you backed me for a very nice long time.

In your pitch you remark that you used the word “Terrors” with reluctance. I’d have to say that the word is actually making your title sound more compelling to me. I say leave it in!

The soup metaphor with which you open your manuscript is a good one. I’d recommend deleting the sentence about pancakes—it’s a distraction. I think the image grows even stronger in your next paragraph. “…lots of stuff…” You may want to choose more specific (or formal) language there. “Lots of stuff” is something a kid would say. “…tasty but digest…” I think you wanted digestible.

“A deep longing to write in my heart.” This is a fragment—there’s no verb. One way you could fix this is by adding it to the end of the previous sentence: So, there is a pad in front of me, several ballpoint pens scattered around, and a deep longing to write in my heart.” Much better.

I love this sentence: “It is discouraging to know that even the finest crafted words will not convey the meaning I want them to carry.” Surely we all feel that when we sit down to write. But if we work at it, we can make them convey the meanings we want them to carry.

I think the paragraph that begins “Again I am sitting at my computer…” is absolutely lovely. I like the images you create to explain characters. I wonder if breaking it up before, “There is something magical,” would be a good idea?

You have a flowing, calming writing style. I think you would reach many people who are suffering with your gentle (not terrifying!) words.

I noticed other reviewers commented on breaking this up. I think using headings and sub headings, or just chapters, could help make this a better read. Or just consider the needs of your intended audience. Would you expect them to sit down for a long read? Or some super-short ones, as in a devotional? Or would they sit still for a more middle-sized chunk of thought?? If you are reaching out to people in fear, people who are really struggling, I think one of the shorter options might be best.

A couple of people commented on punctuation and grammar. But remember this: no one ever rejected a great story because of a few misplaced commas. Yes, there are some grammar issues, but the STORY is what publishers look for. Focus on your story, packaging it the way your audience wants it, and on making those black and white characters convey the message you want them to carry.

Wishing you all the best with your ms, and I apologize again for taking so long to return your read.
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

This will make a very nice devotional! It does need an editing job. Do you have a dear, trusted friend near you? The editing it needs is most inserting commas, and breaking down run on sentences. This is really worth the effort, Miss Walker, to get this manuscript cleaned up. It will be a help to many people. I read in one of your comments that it is a slow process for you to write. Perhaps, once you write a new chunk (if you are still writing this book), take a chunk that has been sitting for months, and go back thru and proofread for punctuation. I know it may seem daunting, but you wrote this book one chunk at a time, and soon you will find that the editing is done! This manuscript is well worth the time!

I hope this helps, and may our Lord bless you as you work for Him. Good luck with this!!!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Hi, A Walker –this is an unforgivably late review from AudreyB. I recently audited my comments and discovered I owed TWENTY TWO reciprocal reviews. I am filled with shame. On the other hand, my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, never feels shame. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

I feel especially terrible about not reading your work sooner; you backed me for a very nice long time.

In your pitch you remark that you used the word “Terrors” with reluctance. I’d have to say that the word is actually making your title sound more compelling to me. I say leave it in!

The soup metaphor with which you open your manuscript is a good one. I’d recommend deleting the sentence about pancakes—it’s a distraction. I think the image grows even stronger in your next paragraph. “…lots of stuff…” You may want to choose more specific (or formal) language there. “Lots of stuff” is something a kid would say. “…tasty but digest…” I think you wanted digestible.

“A deep longing to write in my heart.” This is a fragment—there’s no verb. One way you could fix this is by adding it to the end of the previous sentence: So, there is a pad in front of me, several ballpoint pens scattered around, and a deep longing to write in my heart.” Much better.

I love this sentence: “It is discouraging to know that even the finest crafted words will not convey the meaning I want them to carry.” Surely we all feel that when we sit down to write. But if we work at it, we can make them convey the meanings we want them to carry.

I think the paragraph that begins “Again I am sitting at my computer…” is absolutely lovely. I like the images you create to explain characters. I wonder if breaking it up before, “There is something magical,” would be a good idea?

You have a flowing, calming writing style. I think you would reach many people who are suffering with your gentle (not terrifying!) words.

I noticed other reviewers commented on breaking this up. I think using headings and sub headings, or just chapters, could help make this a better read. Or just consider the needs of your intended audience. Would you expect them to sit down for a long read? Or some super-short ones, as in a devotional? Or would they sit still for a more middle-sized chunk of thought?? If you are reaching out to people in fear, people who are really struggling, I think one of the shorter options might be best.

A couple of people commented on punctuation and grammar. But remember this: no one ever rejected a great story because of a few misplaced commas. Yes, there are some grammar issues, but the STORY is what publishers look for. Focus on your story, packaging it the way your audience wants it, and on making those black and white characters convey the message you want them to carry.

Wishing you all the best with your ms, and I apologize again for taking so long to return your read.
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Dear A.,

This writing is like many essays flowing from your mind. Very mystical read reminding me of Madame Guyon - are you familiar with her books? I can tell you long so very much to stay in God's presence. I do think you need to cut up these very large chunks and give more white space to make it easier for the reader. And you need someone to help you edit and catch all of the typos, etc.

A couple things I noticed:
Chapter one - paragraph 7 "...then to fight it." Should be "...than

Also in this chapter I was thinking - I'm so glad A. was bold enough to write!

Chapter one - paragraph 13 - "For a growth..." For should be capped

Traveling mercies on your road to God A. and keep writing and revising!

~Kady Colter
Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac

This will make a very nice devotional! It does need an editing job. Do you have a dear, trusted friend near you? The editing it needs is most inserting commas, and breaking down run on sentences. This is really worth the effort, Miss Walker, to get this manuscript cleaned up. It will be a help to many people. I read in one of your comments that it is a slow process for you to write. Perhaps, once you write a new chunk (if you are still writing this book), take a chunk that has been sitting for months, and go back thru and proofread for punctuation. I know it may seem daunting, but you wrote this book one chunk at a time, and soon you will find that the editing is done! This manuscript is well worth the time!

I hope this helps, and may our Lord bless you as you work for Him. Good luck with this!!!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

This will make a very nice devotional! It does need an editing job. Do you have a dear, trusted friend near you? The editing it needs is most inserting commas, and breaking down run on sentences. This is really worth the effort, Miss Walker, to get this manuscript cleaned up. It will be a help to many people. I read in one of your comments that it is a slow process for you to write. Perhaps, once you write a new chunk (if you are still writing this book), take a chunk that has been sitting for months, and go back thru and proofread for punctuation. I know it may seem daunting, but you wrote this book one chunk at a time, and soon you will find that the editing is done! This manuscript is well worth the time!

I hope this helps, and may our Lord bless you as you work for Him. Good luck with this!!!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

This will make a very nice devotional! It does need an editing job. Do you have a dear, trusted friend near you? The editing it needs is most inserting commas, and breaking down run on sentences. This is really worth the effort, Miss Walker, to get this manuscript cleaned up. It will be a help to many people. I read in one of your comments that it is a slow process for you to write. Perhaps, once you write a new chunk (if you are still writing this book), take a chunk that has been sitting for months, and go back thru and proofread for punctuation. I know it may seem daunting, but you wrote this book one chunk at a time, and soon you will find that the editing is done! This manuscript is well worth the time!

I hope this helps, and may our Lord bless you as you work for Him. Good luck with this!!!
Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

I read around1/3 of this. As you keep writing, it gets better and clearer. I really enjoyed reading this joyous testimony of what God has revealed to you! I found a few typos you might want to address:

Even putting together the right ingredients in right order...” Needs the word, “the” between “in” and “right.”
“That’s what is talent in writing...” should be, “That’s what talent is in writing.”
Instead of writing “my soup” every time, maybe sometimes you should change it up....maybe write something like, “the mix.” I notice you do this some, but watch out for sentences that are side by side and use the same phrase metaphors.
“to make it tasty but digest...” Look at this sentence. Needs fixing.
LOVE this line: “No glory, but a crib and a cross.”
“....saying all the right things all the wrong way...” Needs the word, “in” between “things” and “all.”

“easier to give in then to fight it.” needs to be, “than.”

This is a jubilant voice of the Spirit of God!
I really felt the truth....truth that you and God Almighty have an honest and question-truth-honest-filled relationship!
Good luck with this!
OH and pay close attention to what Carolina Al wrote. He helped me tremendously with my MS! Georgia

A.

I read through your wonderful book of thoughts. You are so very precious, intimately loved and adored by your Creator. He must be so pleased with the good intentions of your heart. Your writing reads like a lamentation - pouring out the pain and passion of your heart to God, yet never despairing. Your hope in the Lord brings you back to what you know is the truth. This is exactly what David and what the writer of Lamentations did and it gives the rest of us hope too.

Because your difficulties have brought you close to the Lord, your thoughts are very deep. I loved what you said in the paragraph that starts: “The knowledge of God bends the mind even more… Stereotypical religious wording often refers to such mysteries that are too big to express by anything else.” Human as we are, we just can’t comprehend or explain away the vastness and greatness of God.

I also loved - really loved - this truth too: “With just enough light for the next step, the bigger picture remains necessarily out of sight. Hence the importance of trusting the One who knows the bigger picture and all He stands for.”

Later you wrote: “All these difficulties drive me closer to God” I can tell you are dwelling in the presence of God. You are strong and courageous and your words bless me and give me courage in my struggles too.

You write about emotional and outspoken people - Why God would choose the sons of thunders? I would say, in your own way, you are very outspoken and passionate too… I think God will use you too.

I really believe you should organize your thoughts into smaller day to day devotions. Are you familiar with Dear Jesus or Jesus Calling? Both devotions are written by Sarah Young. She has a new book out now too all published by Thomas Nelson. They are very, very popular. Your honesty and the intimate relationship you have with Jesus sounds so much like Sarah. If you could do something like Sarah then maybe a competing publisher would pick it up. If you would like a copy, let me know and I’ll give you my e-mail address and we can correspond that way. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Having a look at Terrors because of your email. While I have nothing against devotional literature, I don't think Terrors is doing the best job of inviting the reader in. You seem to be presenting this pretty much as you write it, in blocks of thought that don't flow from one to the other, so each time the reader (me, anyways) finishes one lump, there's no thread to pull me to the next. I'd suggest that you take these long paragraphs and sort them into groups by theme, write short segues between them, and break this one massive chapter into several short ones, each being a brief essay on a particular topic.
You have some meaningful thoughts in here, but they're hidden in a good deal of rambling. To take your gardening metaphor, your chapter is a garden overrun with weeds, and needs a good going-over. Some of those weeds are just flowers in the wrong place. Move them and they'll be beautiful instead of distracting.

I want to thank you for taking the time of reading and commenting on my writing. I deeply appreciate and I will consider to what degree I can change.
There is one unlucky premise, but I think it highly flattering, which is your reference to my writing "large chunks". I am a painfully slow writer, hardly doing more than 100 to 300 words a day written by hand on a pad. When I have a chunk of these, I put it into the computer at more or less the same rate and do a third turn on editing at again the same "speed" plus a final walk through at the same pace (which I haven't done here as shown by too many mistakes).
After such "exploit" I am usually good for nothing for the remainder of the day and where I happen to write more I won't be able to do so for the next couple of days. I love to write and I need to write, being published or no, but it comes painfully and slowly out in some sort of "ecstatic agony" if you'd allow my saying so...

I wish I were wiser.... I have to still think about the rest of your comment.....

The main thing to say here is that you should, I think, take your own advice. This text has flowed out from you in several large chunks and now needs to be carefully read by you and given a more appropriate structure. Your aim is to communicate your powerful religious feeling and understanding and this can only be facilitated by a structure that guides the reader. So you will need to ask your self at each point, ‘what is the core message of this part, what lessons come from it’ and so on. If you do this you will greatly enhance the readability of the text. But, of course, it requires a lot of that work, discipline, perseverance you so insightfully mention.

Terrors - The Fear of the Lord is the Beginning of Wisdom

Title: The combination of the word’ Terrors’ with what follows makes it rather more enigmatic than the usual devotional piece.

Short Pitch: Your second sentence could be more definite; I’d suggest ‘the spiritual riches that only…’

Long Pitch: this reads OK but when I got to the bit about ‘stream of consciousness’ I wondered if this would alienate readers. More on this below.

Main text: It’s not labelled a chapter. I’m impressed with the formula: ‘work, discipline, perseverance and a sound portion of chance.’ This virtually describes the writing process, and I’ve been writing professionally for years. I haven’t noted your detailed grammatical or spelling issues because they are fairly easy to spot on a careful line edit. There are several.

The main thing to say here is that you should, I think, take your own advice. This text has flowed out from you in several large chunks and now needs to be carefully read by you and given a more appropriate structure. Your aim is to communicate your powerful religious feeling and understanding and this can only be facilitated by a structure that guides the reader. So you will need to ask your self at each point, ‘what is the core message of this part, what lessons come from it’ and so on. If you do this you will greatly enhance the readability of the text. But, of course, it requires a lot of that work, discipline, perseverance you so insightfully mention.

Dear Walker,
What a delight to have found your book. Your words are inspirational and reassuring and your subject my favourite, as Jesus is my greatest love as well.
Our Lord sustained me from a very early age, and i have the greatest respect for anyone who spreads The Word and gives Him praise.
If you could find the the time to support my book, you will find my praise for Him there as well.
Six stars and placed in line for the shelf.:)
Maria x
Dark of the Moon

Hi Walker: Hope this finds you well. Backed your book and gave it five stars. Excellent writing. One thing though, which I discovered about my books, paragraphs should be split Mine were too long like yours, so I went through all my books and split paragraphs. It makes for a better reading and flow. Our Lord bless you and your loved ones.

Lorne

I read about half of your first chapter.

Consider breaking this large chapter down into smaller chapters. The soup metaphor is clever and effective. The narrative is thought-provoking.

Just two nits:
1) ' ... it is easier to give then fight it.' 'Then' should be 'than.'
2) 'Wonder, whether I am being selfish to ravel in God's presence.' 'Ravel' should be 'revel,'