Hollow Moon

Hi, I've read the first two chapters and love the setting of the story on a bubbleworld. You have a good writing style which suits your target audience and some lovely quirky humour. Best of luck with your book.

I have finished what you have up for Hollow Moon and enjoyed it immensely. You have created a strong image as a stage for your plot and I could see this developing into quite a lengthy story or series of books. The idea of taking human ethnic and political dynamics as they exist now and expanding them into the future, rather than having a totally new and largely unrelated background for a story to play against, has huge potential for highlighting current problems, political scenarios, prejudices and more.
I look forward to its completion. 5 stars for now.

Editing
Chap 3
On the seat opposite Endymion, (was/sat/slouched) a tall and scrawny youth who had a permanent lazy smile on his face.

Regards
Andrew Marfleet

Great fun, love this. Don't know why it isn't higher. Perhaps the chapters are too long?
For over a year people kept telling me that mine were, and I didn't get it. I knew they were exactly the right length, didn't I? Then, one day, someone put it in a way that made sense and I halved them. Took me a week but it was the best thing I ever did.
Once you've got yourself published and have a following, none of that matters. It's getting folk to read it all in the first place that is the thing.

SF42

Hi Steph,

I’ve just finished reading the five (authonomy) chapters you have up here. This was really enjoyable. A great blend of dialogue and narrative, with a nice touch of humour. I loved the references to Australia.

Below I’ve made a few chapter-by-chapter notes. They’re just my opinion, of course, so feel free to toss what you don’t agree with.

Prologue

This was great. The only thing that confused me was that I thought you were talking about a planet, rather than a moon, as you say ‘circling a sun too dim to see’. Moons circle planets.

Ch 1

1) ‘tiny yet immensely-bright golden’
should be ‘tiny, yet immensely bright, golden’

2) ‘retorted the short fat man’
comma after ‘short’

3) ‘One by one, they climbed’
This makes it sound as though there are lots of them, but there are only two. Maybe say something like, ‘Separately, they climbed’

4) ‘space-suit clad thieves in the night’
It’s day-time. Ravana checked the sun and worked out she still had a few hours of day-time left not that long ago. Nor would she have been able to see them if it was night.

5) ‘They were no one she knew’
‘They’ is pural, where ‘no one’ is singular. Maybe say, ‘They weren’t people she knew’

6) ‘dropped to the floor’
This sounds as though they’re in a building, but they’re in the garden still. Maybe say ‘dropped to the ground’

7) I had a bit of trouble visualising where the cliff-face was in relation to everything else, given that we’re ‘inside’ the moon, but that might just be me.

8) Why didn’t Ravana react more strongly when she witnessed the kidnapping? Even if she didn’t want to go and try to rescue the boy, it seemed odd that she didn’t yell, or scream, and run for help from the palace.

Ch 3

1) ‘She sounded as if she needed’
I would remove ‘sounded as if she’. Based on the next sentence this is information we receive from her POV, so she would simply say ‘She needed’

2) ‘radiated for hundred’
should be ‘radiated for hundreds’

3) ‘slid open were they all rushing’
should be ‘slid open than they were all rushing’

4) ‘along with its backwards rotation’
You’ve just mentioned its rotation and as it doesn’t do both a rotation and backwards rotation this is both confusing and unnecessary. I would remove it altogether, as I can’t see that it matters to the day-length whether it rotates clockwise or anticlockwise.

5) ‘two Terran days time’
should be ‘two Terran days’ time’

6) ‘deep dark pit’
comma after ‘deep’

7) ‘any buttons,” she retorted.’
‘retorted’ doesn’t fit here as it essentially means ‘replied’ and Endymion hasn’t said anything. Maybe try ‘asserted’ or ‘stated’.

8) ‘sound of an spacecraft’
‘an’ should be ‘a’

9) ‘they returned to camp, safely tucked up’
this has the potential to be confusing as it could be read as ‘they’ who are safely tucked up. Maybe say, ‘who was still asleep, safely tucked up inside the dome, when they returned to camp.’

10) ‘not astrophysicists’
comma after ‘astrophysicists’

Ch 4

1) ‘dropping to monorail track’
should this be ‘dropping to the monorail track’?

2) ‘as they approached the track’
comma after ‘approached’

3) ‘Moment later’
should be ‘Moments later’ or ‘A moment later’

4) “Creep,” muttered Philyra’
I wasn’t sure who this comment was aimed at? Bellona or Miss Clymene? Or why?

5) ‘turned back to clerk’
should be turned back to the clerk’

6) ‘at you too.’
Comma after ‘you’

7) ‘don’t on the asteroid’
should be ‘don’t live on the asteroid’

8) ‘The operator’
comma after ‘operator’

9) ‘Verdandi herself stood’
comma after ‘stood’

10) ‘the worse landing’
‘worse’ should be ‘worst’

11) ‘but craft also had’
should be ‘but the craft also had’

12) ‘an hand upon’
‘an’ should be ‘a’

13) ‘Or a certain someone was out and about in the jungle when they shouldn’t have been’
this has singular followed by plural. It could be either;

‘Or a certain someone was out and about in the jungle when he shouldn’t have been’
or
‘Or certain somebodies were out and about in the jungle when they shouldn’t have been’

14) ‘with their teeth’
should be ‘with his teeth’ if you use the first option above.

Ch 5

1) ‘who like Surya was’
should be ‘who, like Surya, was’

2) ‘the end of what had been a busy week’
this is hard to read and quite convoluted. If you simply said ‘the end of a busy week’ it wouldn’t really lose any information and would be easier to read.

3) ‘taken bound and gagged from’
should be ‘taken, bound and gagged, from’

4) ‘which like that of most military craft was cramped with a’
should be ‘which, like that of most military craft, was cramped, with a’

5) ‘a bombed-damaged warehouse’
should be ‘a bomb-damaged warehouse’ or ‘a bombed warehouse’

6) ‘where even amongst the ruins life’
should be ‘where, even amongst the ruins, life’

7) ‘a just one entry’
remove ‘a’

8) ‘of those type’
should be ‘of that type’

9) ‘indicating towards the empty’
remove ‘towards’. Its meaning is already incorporated in ‘indicating’
or you could say ‘pointing towards the empty’

10) ‘fast the android’
should be ‘fast as the android’

11) ‘make our sure’
should be ‘make sure our’

12) ‘was sat hunched’
should be ‘was sitting hunched’ or ‘sat hunched’

13) ‘followed shortly later’
remove ‘later’

14) ‘would chose for’
‘chose’ should be ‘choose’

What a great read. Excellent characterisation, realistic dialogue and a good sense of place. You have created a fantastic universe here and an excellent story to go with it.

Well done.

Sue

Hi, I've read the first two chapters and love the setting of the story on a bubbleworld. You have a good writing style which suits your target audience and some lovely quirky humour. Best of luck with your book.

SF42 Review

Prologue
- I only read the actual prologue and the first paragraph of your note. I know that not everything will be answered in what I read because I’m not reading the entire book…that’s not hard to figure out. Just wanted to let you know….I didn’t want to read the synopsis and spoil anything for myself.
- I think that prologue might be the wrong word for this. It almost sounds like a foreward or something like that. I’m already liking your style of writing.

Chapter 1
- Hand-hold sounds awkward. Makes me think of holding hands. Hand-grip might be better.
- “annoyed beyond belief’ I really don’t like that. You could just say she was annoyed.
- I don’t think that sweat feels clammy on a scar. I know you’re trying to find a way to describe her looks, but I think it could be done a bit better. Other than that, the description is quite well done so far.
- The paragraph beginning with “as her gaze rested upon the distance palace” the rest of that sentence is in the present tense.
- Your style seems to have shifted from what I read in the prologue, and I’m not really enjoying it as much anymore.
- How is the one spacesuit clad person clearly bemused? You haven’t shown me anything that makes me think he’s bemused. And then you say that it’s clear that the sight of the palace wasn’t what made him stop. It’s not clear to me. Instead you could just take out the word ‘clear’ and re-word it so it makes sense without the word.
- It’s starting to bother me when you say ‘clearly’ and ‘obviously’. I hope I don’t do that in my book. It’s not clear, and it’s not obvious whatsoever. Unless I’m missing something.
- The two men haven’t said much, so I don’t think anyone would make the assumption that they weren’t trustworthy. You have wonderful description about the setting and atmosphere, and it’s almost as if you feel as though you don’t want to describe the characters in fear of having too much description.
- It’s been said about my writing that I explain too much through dialogue, and that I shouldn’t because the characters don’t need the explanation. The reader does. I feel you’re doing the same here between the two men.
- I think I’d like a bit more explanation of the whole gravity theory. I realise I should suspend belief, but I have a hard time believing that a simple climb up a cliff would change the effects of gravity. I can see it being hard to breathe, as air might be thinner like it is when you climb a mountain here on Earth, but that doesn’t mean gravity becomes less concentrated.
- Cats have claws….unless it’s a bird cat. If it truly has talons, a description of the cat might be useful. It’s an electric cat, which is fine, but you say it’s a cat, so I’m imagining a regular cat because you haven’t given me a reason to picture anything else, really.
- For two men who are trying to sneak around, I would have thought that Namtar would take the sound more seriously, just in case.
- Not much else to say. I’m struggling to make sense of the rest of this chapter.

Unfortunately, I can’t really comment on much of your book. I’m sorry for that. You mix a lot of modern Earth terms and races into a book that is clearly far into the future. That bothers me, and really messes me up while I’m trying to read it. I’m all for suspending belief, but you keep bringing me back to the real world that I can’t for the life of me get into the world you’ve created. The dialogue seems jilted and unrealistic, especially between the two men in spacesuits. Fenris also bothers me. When he talks, it almost sounds as though he’s high and mighty, and arrogant. Granted, you may have wanted that. If you did, well done. But Ravana sounds much younger than she is.

I’m sorry this review sounds so negative. It’s definitely all my opinion, but this is definitely one book I can’t get into. The writing itself is good, don't get me wrong, but I definitely think it can be polished and tightened. The plot you describe in the LP is extremely interesting, so I'm disappointed that I can't get into the style. Again, that's my personal preference.

- Nichole

Great fun, love this. Don't know why it isn't higher. Perhaps the chapters are too long?
For over a year people kept telling me that mine were, and I didn't get it. I knew they were exactly the right length, didn't I? Then, one day, someone put it in a way that made sense and I halved them. Took me a week but it was the best thing I ever did.
Once you've got yourself published and have a following, none of that matters. It's getting folk to read it all in the first place that is the thing.

SF42
Hi Steph,
I read the first few chapters of Hollow Moon, and I think it is an enjoyable story with a lot of imagination. The world you have created is very interesting with its cultural and scientific premises, and I think it’s great that you imbued it with a sense of humor.

I think your Prologue has just the right amount of explanation to set the scene without overdoing it on the details. You’ve got a complex world set up here, and I think you’ve done a good job of letting the reader know enough to get his/her bearings without overwhelming him/her. Well done.

I like how you dive straight into Chapter One with Ravana and her cat and her witnessing the strange events that will no doubt drive the story forward. Again, you give just enough background to let the reader know what’s going on, and you do a good job of integrating the technology into the narrative (I love the idea of a cyberclone!). Ravana seems to be a great character who can really spring from the page with her little quips, and I look forward to seeing more of her. However, I think your descriptions of her actions could be a little clearer. I had trouble picturing exactly what was going on when she was on the cliff face and later when she plugs the hole with the elephant, so your story would probably benefit from setting up the scene a bit more so we know exactly where everything is. I also noticed a few nitpicky edits:

“In space, thanks to the wonders of helmet intercoms, everyone heard him scream.” Should be “everyone had heard him scream” since it takes place before the present story

“Fenris could sense the man’s anger.” Up until this point, this section has been told from Ravana’s POV, so suddenly switching to Fenris’ is disconcerting

I think it would also be interesting to hear a little more about what’s going through Ravana’s head as she’s thrown into this bizarre situation. After all, it’s not every day you save the world with an elephant :-)

On to Chapter 2. I like how you give us a glimpse of ordinary life in this world of yours – I feel like a lot of sci-fi forgets that behind the crazy adventures are normal citizens inhabiting the universe, so again, well done. The dialogue flows naturally and really colors the characters, and again, good job integrating the technology (programming the kitchen AI to serve chocolate instead of gravy – priceless!).

After your characters get thrown into the ravine, you seem to switch POVs a lot, which, again, is disconcerting, since it reads like a third person limited narrative (and works better that way – third person omniscient has its place, but I think your story works better when focusing on one character’s thoughts).

I think Hollow Moon has a great deal of potential, and I will certainly be returning for more. Looking forward to the rest!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project (http://authonomy.com/books/41618/astral-sea-the-pandora-project/)

I have finished what you have up for Hollow Moon and enjoyed it immensely. You have created a strong image as a stage for your plot and I could see this developing into quite a lengthy story or series of books. The idea of taking human ethnic and political dynamics as they exist now and expanding them into the future, rather than having a totally new and largely unrelated background for a story to play against, has huge potential for highlighting current problems, political scenarios, prejudices and more.
I look forward to its completion. 5 stars for now.

Editing
Chap 3
On the seat opposite Endymion, (was/sat/slouched) a tall and scrawny youth who had a permanent lazy smile on his face.

Regards
Andrew Marfleet

Dear Steph,

This is an enjoyable read, with good characterization and pleasant humour. You have spent a lot of effort to create an interesting scientific and cultural setting.

Here are a couple of ideas for improvement.

1. Get rid of the "explanation" in the prologue. The general principle I go on is that your work must stand on its own. If you don't have confidence in it, you try to add some more to explain. This does nothing to help the work itself, and just signals readers that the author isn't sure it was done right.
2. Simplify and be very strict with yourself on point of view. This story is already written from two completely separate POVs. It is more disorienting to suddenly "head hop" to the POV of another character in the middle of a chapter. The general guideline for your form of novel is one POV per chapter, no more. I suggest that, in the Newbrum section, you stick to Belona's POV exclusively.
3. Check your description of the interior of the asteroid. I believe that the only way the opening scene works is if the cliff face she is climbing is part of the end of the cavern, but you don't specifically say this, so I couldn't orient it. Another, minor point, is that you say that she experiences a sudden disorienting shock and then she is looking down on the Maharahni's palace. If she lives here, she would be used to this sort of thing, and it wouldn't bother her.

I hope these comments help. You have the makings of a good novel here.

Gordon Long
"Out of Mischief"

SF42

Hi Steph

I'll have another read :)

'hidden from sight by all...' I think this should be 'sight of'. 'Hidden from sight by' suggests that the 'all' that comes next are the ones who've hidden it. It would be 'out of sight of', so yes, I think 'of'.

Might 'found in the heavens the age-old lust...' read better?

I'd recommend put the synopsis on the final chapter with just a note at the start that it's there. Otherwise some people might read it all, and then decide that constitutes their reading quota!

Again, as soon as I read 'electric cat, I think of the electric monk.

Why would sweat sting a scar? That's rhetorical - it wouldn't. A scar is a completely healed cut which leaves a mark, so it wouldn't sting any more than any other part of her skin.

Why does she have a weak right arm and, presumably, a cut on her face rather than scar? Is this explained elsewhere?

'It was (a) sweet thing to do'

'They were no one' doesn't read right at all

'Most curious' still does not seem like something a 16 year old would say.

As before, I'm having trouble understanding why the cart didn't move until the break was released. Is the break a giant hook buried in the ground? Otherwise I can't see why it wouldn't have been pulled along with everything else.

I've stopped reading at the same place I did last time - the chapter is simply too long. There's something about well-placed chapter breaks that makes me continue reading further than I do otherwise.

Overall, I think I spotted less in this version, but I can't honestly say I remember it well enough to know if it's a better version. Probably is :)

I really like this and I am going to keep on my WL. It kind of reminds me of Neil Stephenson. Not necessarily that is about the same thing, but it just has the same feel to it. I like the note at the begining that did help me navigate the story better, I think I might have been more confused without it.

One thing is that I think you should split up the chapters a little more, because it got a little long to read. Also, Ravana made a statement that all her electric cat does is "eat and sleep". Would an electric cat eat?

I think this has potential, you are a great writer with great imagination. I have starred with pleasure!

SF42
Sorry it took me so long to get back to you, somtimes I'm in a reading mood, othertimes I have to wait until I feel the urge.
I have to say the prologue was exceptionally well written. There was one minor grammar error. "about to shattered" should have a "be" in it.
Your description of the planet left me scratching my head. I'm not really sure what it's supposed to look like. I'm picturing them inside a moon looking towards the center, where a fake sun is nestled. There are a few paragraphs that could be split a few times.
There's a bit of information overload in the first chapter. A lot of time was spent describing the world that they live on. Maybe if some of those parts were split up, placed later on in the story to describe it elsewhere.

Some parts of the plot left me confused. Is Fenris responsible for the son's disappearance? Why would Ravanna be left alive as a witness? Or if she was the sole witness to the abduction, why did they let her go so quickly? Wouldn't they have grilled her for more information?

And also there's only 400 people on the planet, would there really be different districts and whatnot? It seems too clustered for people to be separated like that.

Overall I think the plot has merit to it. It could use a bit of polishing, but the story has strong potential.

SF42

Hi Steph

I'll start off by pointing out that having your own book on your shelf is simply a waste of a space. It does nothing for your rank, and many users frown upon it. I liked what I read, and it is good to see a girl writing sci fi! On with the comments:

'...world so distant...sixteen light years away.' I think I know what you are saying, but it is a bit muddly. I think you are basically saying that she is 16. It took several reads of this sentence to work it out though.

It is, I think, purely personal preference, but might I suggest that when dialogue is cut short, you use -- (which will become one solid line in Word), and use elipses for when it just trails off. It is what I do, but as I say, it's only a matter of preference.

Is "most curious" really something a 16 year old would say?

I don't think you mentioned that one of the men was fat. Perhaps you should do so, so that when you refer to him, it doesn't seem out of the blue.

'less-than-steely'

I'm confused as to what purpose tying the cart to the tree served. Was she holding on to the cart? Was it to get her closer to the exit? Also why did it not get dragged towards the breach before the brake was released?

'...dropped into the pit [...] end of the pit.' Try to avoid such repetition.

Lastly, '...leaving nothing but the (distant) wail...'

I didn't read much more, because the chapter is quite long. I'd recommend splitting it up for Authonomy. I didn't find much wrong with it, beyond the minor things I've mentioned here. This is only the second space opera I've come across on here - the other being my own (although it was someone else who called it a space opera; I have no idea). I like the sound of it and it is promising so far. I will back it for a while. Good luck with it.

I'd appreciate it if you have a chance to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Excellent nice to see the explanation of the abandoned satellite. Plus it is all coming together.

I enjoyed that and could find no faults in the second or third chapters apart from the possibility that wombats are living in an atmosphere that humans couldn't live in. Unless they're genetically engineered of course.

Plus the physics seems well thought out (don't know if it is, but it sounds as if it is)

I've read the second Chapter. I do like the idea of the ravines.

Hmm... Food for thought. I added the prologue to try and create a stronger opening, but I'll think again about that. Ravana's actions, too - I was trying to portray that she is shy and wary of getting involved, but that obviously hasn't come across. The guards and Fenris were not that suspicious of her as they knew who the real kidnappers were - it is revealed later in the book that it was an inside job and that Fenris is plotting against the Maharani - but maybe I need to work on how that plays out in chapter one. Finally, later it is also revealed that the hollow moon was abandoned long ago after it reached its destination, then taken over by 'independent' settlers, hence the low population. Still, I'm grateful for the comments and it does reveal how a novel can be judged just by the first chapter!

Steph (Hollow Moon)

I would drop the prologue and introduce the facts revealed in it, throughout the rest of the book.

Ravana's reactions to events did not seem quite natural. She didn't seem perturbed enough at the kidnapping. Also the security guards I would have been more suspicious of her. After all someone very important had been kidnapped and she was trespassing.

I'm also interested in how the sun sits in the sky.

ONe thing for such an expensive thing, the hollow moon has a very small population. Not saying it shouldn't but something that struck me as odd.

Anyway enough negativity, it is something that I enjoyed reading. Will star it and read some more. So I may comment on the rest of it.

I would drop the prologue and introduce the facts revealed in it, throughout the rest of the book.

Ravana's reactions to events did not seem quite natural. She didn't seem perturbed enough at the kidnapping. Also the security guards I would have been more suspicious of her. After all someone very important had been kidnapped and she was trespassing.

I'm also interested in how the sun sits in the sky.

ONe thing for such an expensive thing, the hollow moon has a very small population. Not saying it shouldn't but something that struck me as odd.

Anyway enough negativity, it is something that I enjoyed reading. Will star it and read some more. So I may comment on the rest of it.

The setting is very innovative. It's sort of like Arthur C. Clarke's Rama series. Ravana is fun to follow and I like her spirit.

TYPO: “…circling a sun TOO dim to see.”

At one point you call it an asteroid and then you call it a hollow moon. Please clarify. If it is so small, how does it have an atmosphere and how is that atmosphere thick enough for a bird to fly?

I understand that Ravana is disturbed by witnessing the kidnapping but why doesn’t see move to save him or at least report it? That doesn’t make her look nice. She reports this when she’s in the palace, but she doesn’t immediately seek out help.

Once things get going at the palace, I'm not sure why she wants to help them. She didn't seem too concerned earlier so why does she care now? I want to understand her motivation.

This is an interesting novel with great promise so I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Very well written and captivating story line. Your descriptions of the Dandridge Cole put me in mind of Arthur Clarke's Rendevous With Rama. Hollow Moon is a sci-fi story with lots of promise. Backed with pleasure.

DW (River Dream)