Perihelion

I have virtually no experience of reading, much less writing, erotica. What strikes me here, against my preconceptions, is the depth of background detail. The plot summary and other aspects of the story we discussed by email really didn't do justice to the amount of work that's gone into the worldbuilding.

I did notice, with a little ego-thrill, that you'd taken on my suggestion that the H'Jaragh might find it easier to suck bodily fluids rather than brains.

Now with a much better handle on the setting, I can see that most of my other suggestions were redundant, since you've already got a marvellously realised background in play. Personally, I'd be just as interested in seeing the setting explored as in the sexcapades that take place there.

Not being really qualified to make technical comments on erotica, I do notice that people's comments here reflect their personal preferences very strongly. I suppose that would be so, since Erotica is inviting the reader to enjoy a ready-made sex fantasy, and thus asking for the story to be experienced on a much more private level of the reader's mind.

Many of the suggestions people have made, though, reflect our real-world sensibilities, whereas here we have a sufficiently realised setting for the characters to have mores and attitudes wildly divergent from our own.

Erotic sci-fi is a new one on me but I liked what I read so far.

Hurry up and finish this!!

Perihelion
Hi Sylvie, I don’t normally read sci-fi, but I’m glad I did in this case as I found it to be extremely well-written, professional and polished.
Kat xxx

One word, Hot! You do a good job of weaving science fiction in with this erotic story. I would add 'erotica' to the genre. Also, I think she acts kind of demure for what she reveals her "job" was on Earth. Also with that in mind it seems a little unrealistic that she would get so mad about someone pinching her. This are just minor nits though. I actually read in one sitting. Keep up the good work.

PERIHELION
Silvie Walters

Nine chapters later and aside from the pristine way you describe the setting, the original world building skill and the character development, I want to address the story. To me that is all important. Grammer does not even enter into it as far as I am concerned. In my opinion, that should be left to an editor.

There is a scent of the formulaic Romance Genre here. They do get raunchy, erotic and so forth. There is that first meeting, the resistance between the male and female, the coming together, then something disturbs the bliss - enter conflict. After that there is soul searching coupled with events that bring them back together. While I am not certain, of course since I have not read it to a conclusion, that this is what you intend. If so, then I feel it really falls into that category within a Sci-Fi setting.

In recent times, I believe very few Science Fiction novels contain much in the way of sex or romance in the detail you have introduced. It's mentioned, inferred and acknowledged but such explict erotica is rarely seen in the novels I have read - and I have read a few. I admire Orson Scott Card, Clarke, Heinlein, Bradbury (Whom I have met in person), and there are countless others who have distinguished themselves in this genre.

I feel the most intriguing character in your story is Apollonia. Not even Human. She is a sentient, sapient space ship. It is extremely insightful of you to instill wisdom/sapience into the entity, Apollonia with her Greek name. For wisdom and knowledge was highly prized among the Ancient Greeks. This part of your story brings forth an eager anticipation in my mind. I look forward to the discoveries that lie ahead in this amazing story.

Backed for your creativity. Please advise when you post more.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time

PERIHELION
Sylvie Walters

Again with the aliens. Those from beyond Earth are exterrestrials. If one lives in the United States, aliens are mostly from Mexico.

I am going to read this during the weekend and get back to you soon. Picked this up on the forums and believe it looks entertaining.

SF42

Hi Sylvie

I read 6 chapters - more than I've read of any other book on here! It is extremely well written, with effective, effortless descriptions. It is a novella, but reads like a full novel, which will likely leave the reader wanting to go right out and find something else written by you.

I don't know how long your novella is, as they can be anywhere from 10,000 to 70,000 words, but with the first 6 chapters having just about nothing to do with anything but sex, it is reading more like an erotic novel than sci fi. I skipped to chapter 8, and there still seemed to be no mention of this enemy the pitch promises.

Anyway, despite reading 6 chapters, I have very few notes:

The pitch says Lalia is beautiful, but chapter 1 says she's almost beautiful.

'the oldest, member at 199 (E)arth years(,) soon...' - remove the first comma

'hundred-member Galactic...'

'She didn't really expect an answer, startled...' - doesn't make sense.

'...but she was no naive young girl' - doesn't seem like a 'but'

The cydroids are a bit jarring - one moment they're being nice to her, the next they're threatening her with rape.

Lastly, if no one saw the enemy and lived, then how were the enemy defeated. And if they weren't defeated, why are they no longer on Earth? Perhaps this is explained later. But you also mention (I think in chapter 6, maybe 5) that mental blocks were used on returning warriors who had seen the enemy.

That's all I noticed. As I said, extremely well written. The stuff about his self-control reminds me of Reality Dysfunction. Anyway, I'm sure this wil do very well. Good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

I couldn't resist copying this and adding it to my comments. It's hilarious, as are all of Steve's wicked and witty takes.

Perihelion
by
Sylvie Walters

The Horribly Blunt Dissection Review by Steve Games

In good faith this should be called Planet Of The Rapes. Bondage and sci-fi go way back, and this set-back to that hallowed genre is space opera in black suade. Leather would be too good for any High Lord who lets a wench slap him and then rewards her with a cushy one-client hooker job while hangin' with his entourage. His Highness should have disintegrated the wench. When your reality hinges on the interactions of a woman who is close enough to the King of Kings to know he's there, thinks he pinched her ass and that makes it okay to SLAP him, she'd better be working with the ACLU on her sexual harrassment defense instead of joining the harem submissively. Oh wait, it's a monarchy. This is so awful it could start a new religion. Imagine this tale, extractable from the novel: "Among these advanced teachings is the story of Lord Axel Gagarin-Raguse, introduced as the tyrant ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy." According to this religion, thousands of years from now Lord Axel Gagarin-Raguse will bring billions of sassy women to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stash them around luxury resort locations and detonate hypno-bombs to subdue their wills." This dope opera has left me Aphelionated.

HBD

SF42 review

I enjoyed this a lot. The writing is really polished and flows smoothly, making for a very easy and enjoyable read indeed. There’s a nice element of mystery running through it to keep one reading. That and the sex, of course. There are some lovely and original ideas and the future world is well described.

There were just a few typos. Ch.1: “anti-grave tube” should be “anti-grav tube”; “meters” should be “metres”. Ch.4: “as took” should be “as she took”. Ch.6: “himself her silky” should be “himself against her silky”. Ch.7: “to regained his control” should be “to regain his control”. Ch.8: “each others arms” should be “each other’s arms”.

Apart from that I can’t think of any suggestions to make. It’s an excellent start that promises a compelling story. I will back it as soon as I can.

Perihelion is well written editorially and well paced. The scenes are rich and are easy to envision. I would have liked to see more background and character development prior to MC's first encounter- that would add depth to this story. A common problem I find with erotica is that it gets too focused on the erotica and the dynamics and complexities of the relationship suffer.

Some minor editorial issues.Chapter one "Were still noticing"- sentence fragment. Chapter 9= "Why have (you?) been sent to me?" Hope this is helpful. Desi.

Hello Sylvie,
Axel is thought to be 42ish by Lalia but then he’s 22 and disinterested in women??
Your paragraphs tend to be a little long and that reduces readability.
“…plans that would come to eventuate…” perhaps ‘fruition’ is better than ‘eventuate’
Check your dialogue punctuation – there are places where quotes are missing and you seldom use the form – She said, “Hello.” Or “Hello,” she said. Almost all of yours are separate sentences even when flow dictates the use of a comma between the action.
Ch.5
“Lalia awoke… had she asleep?” Missing ‘been’
Ch.8
All of a sudden Lalia’s designation of 214 changes to 124
What an interesting concept and a pleasure to find so few mistakes. There were some that I did not note but nothing a good edit wont sort out.
I hope you upload the rest of it soon and let me know then I’ll comment further and probably increase your rating too. I find it hard to assess an incomplete work due to lack of plot, character development, etc.
Funny that I cut all my sex scenes to a minimum because I thought they were too explicit. Maybe I should put them back again. You have handled yours well but don’t you think that erotica limits your market?

I hope that you will rate and comment on one or more of my books
Best wishes, Charles Dyer (Mach100)

Beautiful -just beautiful. Well done.
Eve.xx

I read it all in one sit...
Your storytelling is exceptional and the images flow well and easy in the reader's mind.

You managed to insert the important info concerning the world and the different hierarchies in a way as not to bore me. The names also were a part of your world -building that drew me in.

I want to comment especially on your extended effort to give the picture of a futuristic lifestyle. I think it is the best part of your writing. The decoration and the functions of Apollina (btw, the female version of Apollo, is Apollonia, -Im Greek) were outstanding. "It smells green" Awesome way of showing me how the mind's senses work when met with something unknown, but still familiar. Excellent work on the scenery as a whole.

You seem to be using a lot of greek letters, words and gods in your story and it made me wonder whether you are partly greek, or of greek ancestry perhaps? The use of "theta" and "epsilon" were to me very easy to grasp as a way of classification. Do you think this would be the case with most of the readers? ("Perihelion" though is a great word.)

Ah, the x-rated parts. To be honest, I enjoyed the scenes with the semi-humans more than the ones with Axel... It's not that they werent descriptive enough, its just that... for example the first time Axel takes her -right after the bath- I would have preferred it told by Lalia's POV. You mention not much earlier that she is a virgin... You set fire in my mind with this, and then you show me a man's perspective. Not fair. Not fair at all. And the last scene was too unversal-ish, too out-of-space to be able to relate to... You gave promises and you did not deliver.

The flow of change between the POVs was smooth and engaging -apart from the scene I mention above. And Axel's character is an interesting one as he comes and goes among the rest of the authority figures and old friends. You might want to reconsider the repetitiveness of how important the feeling of control over his mind and body is for him. Just a thought, your call, of course.

Moreover, there are two points, both in the same paragraph which made me frown for a moment.
1) At the poin where she is being undressed by the semi-humans you say "she was well used to being naked in the presence of others"... at this point I have no idea what you are talking about. You explain later, but this phrase is of no importance anymore, so you might as well cut it.
2) The Earth Symbol holding her dress or something... a) I dont know what the earth symbol is. b) I dont know what the Earth symbol looks like. 3) I would very much like to know. It excited my imagination when I read that there was an "Earth symbol".... Could you pretty please describe it for me?

That was a fantastic read Sylvie. Your 6 stars are well deserved, and you will remain on my WL to be promoted when I empty a spot on my shelves.

Very well done, and I would definitely carry on reading. (I will do so if you upload more)

Yannis

good and interesting sci-fi= clear and concise writing make this all the better...
l shall back your book.
read SEASONS...

Highly imaginative and well written. I thought this very good. The only typo I saw was in Ch 8, when a 'g' was somehow inserted in 'removing.' I saw no true misspellings. Well done and to be backed. Marj.

A well-written, original story which paints a vivid picture of an alien environment. I wish you every success with this book. Yours Bea

Good writing, Sylvie, great potential in this story. I look forward to seeing it develop. I was concerned at the assertion of most of the water on Earth being gone and wondered if you meant fresh water, as we have exactly as much now as millennia ago. But, when I read on, I think your plot explains that adequately.
Good luck with this, cheers, Sylvia.

Hi Sylvie, I came just to check it out (after seeing you quite a bit in the forums) and I ended up reading all 8 chapters! I've never read Erotica, much less Science Fiction erotica, but I enjoyed this. The first chapter is great, with just the right amount of information and background revealed so as to set the scene but not give information overload. I'm blown away but the originality of it, and the work that must have gone into creating all the different aspects. I've rated you highly. My shelf is dedicated to others at the moment but I will leave you on my WL so maybe at some stage I can give you some time in September.
Well done,
Tammy

There are certain Independant publishers who specialise in erotica as well as romance. I sugget you look up Silver Publishing. There are others.
Well written, and deserving of its place on my shelf.

I have virtually no experience of reading, much less writing, erotica. What strikes me here, against my preconceptions, is the depth of background detail. The plot summary and other aspects of the story we discussed by email really didn't do justice to the amount of work that's gone into the worldbuilding.

I did notice, with a little ego-thrill, that you'd taken on my suggestion that the H'Jaragh might find it easier to suck bodily fluids rather than brains.

Now with a much better handle on the setting, I can see that most of my other suggestions were redundant, since you've already got a marvellously realised background in play. Personally, I'd be just as interested in seeing the setting explored as in the sexcapades that take place there.

Not being really qualified to make technical comments on erotica, I do notice that people's comments here reflect their personal preferences very strongly. I suppose that would be so, since Erotica is inviting the reader to enjoy a ready-made sex fantasy, and thus asking for the story to be experienced on a much more private level of the reader's mind.

Many of the suggestions people have made, though, reflect our real-world sensibilities, whereas here we have a sufficiently realised setting for the characters to have mores and attitudes wildly divergent from our own.

[Perihelion]

Erotica is not an easy thing to write. It's easier to write pornography, than it is to write very good erotica.

My problems lie with the start of the story. Lalia is an Earth Guardian, slapping Lord Axel when she thinks he does something inappropriate. I had expected Lalia to be a strong woman. She slaps him for pinching her, but even before he has done anything, she is afraid. Okay, so I can see her be embarassed when she recognizes him, no doubt. But she wouldn't have kicked him if he hadn't pinched her, so why not let him do exactly that? If he can come up with such a punishment, he surely can pinch her as well.

You write well, but I'm sure you can create a far stronger and far more apealing story than what you have here. Give your main character some stronger back and I think I can see Lord Axel have a lot more fun with her, too. Change it into a game - now all I can see is that she's about to be raped simply for slapping him. Truly, no world is ever going to be so bad. I hope. ;?)

Good luck.

Make her a woman to be proud of. Let her fight back, even if all is against her.

Love the title and the original premise of the story. Futuristic scifi is a very popular genre and as it is so male dominated its refreshing to see a female slant and also the erotic approach should find a lot of interest readers. I am not sure that the short pitch is successful at hooking the reader as the long pitch. The short pitch doesn't accentuate how different this book is or what the relationship between the Lord and the Earth Guardian actually is. I would suggest that you take some f your longer pitch and turn it into a short pitch - feel free to take or leave it though! Good luck!

Hi Sylvania, If you haven't got this book on amazon Kindle yet, put it on and let me know when it's available, I will definitely download it. Keith.

Hi, I read your first chapter with great enthusiasm and interest. It held me right to the end. I thought the concept of the story very intriguing and I will be going back for more very soon. The decscription came over very well and you could visualise the characters perfectly. The dialogue was very well written and put over and easy to follow, I particularly like the Lords expressions and how he spoke to his guards and those beneath him and how they acknowledged him and his status. The woman he has sent to his quarters sounds a very affable lady and it would seem has caught the Lord's eye, I look forward to reading more soon. Very well done so far. Some of my books are now available on amazon kindle store, both on .co and .co.uk Have a browse, no pressure. Just type in my full name Keith Argyle and then GO. A great opening to this intriguing story, I look forward to reading more soon. Well done.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start. An impressive main character. Effective world building. Vivid descriptions. Well-managed tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) "Great Jupiter! What the ... !" Consider replacing the ellipsis ( ... ) with an em-dash. Use an ellipsis for hesitation. Use an em-dash for interruption. Since Axel seems to have interrupted himself, an em-dash seems appropriate. There is another case of this type of problem in this chapter.
2) "Please, lord, spare me." Capitalize 'lord.' When a title is used as a name, it becomes a proper noun and is capitalized.
3) 'Her stomach clenched as fear returned' is almost telling (the stomach clenching is showing). Consider describing the onset of Lalia's fear as well, so the reader can experience it along with her. By doing this, the reader will be pulled deeper into the scene.
4) Hyphenate 'fifteen year old.'

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and, if it's worthy, consider putting it on your Authonomy bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al