Six Years, Six Months

Hi Edward,
Have just completed the full 18 chapters.
i think the characters are fully drawn and the dialogue sounds real. some of the plot is a bit SLIDING DOORS but never the less well conceived and written.
:)
Diane

Six Years Six Months. Your pitches are to the point, the long one enticing enough to make me want to read on. I dont understand the cover, but perhaps all will eventually become clear.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. First person and present tense - a promising start, revealing the father's character and the narrator's position, but make sure you keep the tense pure.
'I am an only child, and was once a very lonely child.' What pathos.
There are some unnecessary words which if avoided would tighten up your writing and improve the flow: just, seems, really.
Shouldnt it be packing up our lives?
I am intrigued by what's in that letter - you keep the reader dangling in suspense.

Ch.2. Oh - I'm disappointed you skipped dOxford. And you've jumped over many years.
Long chunky paragraphs follow, and my eyes glaze over. A lawyer's life must be sooo boring. It would help to have more dialogue, and to put it in seperate paragraphs.
Two really's in one short paragraph.
You're drifting into the past tense again: 'I spent the rest of the day...'
I'm beginning to think you could have started this chapter with the narrator and Natasha - but it's only my opinion, and it's your book!
Wow! What a turn around.

Ch.3. Back to Oxford now. I'm wondering at the advisability of those disconserting jumps in time. I have to drag my mind away from the narrator's predicament, but look forward to reading about the University.
Two most's in consecutive sentences, and again you wander between the tenses: 'Turning my key in the lock I pushed the door but it will not budge.'
Something else from his father - postcards this time.

This all seems rather negative, I'm sorry. Despite the nits, I found myself becoming absorbed in the scenes you unfold. Although you definitely have the makings of a good plot, for me your work has the feeling more of a diary. It will take time and effort to transform it into a smooth compelling publishable piece of work, but that happens to every one of us!

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Hi Edward,

Great stuff! I must say, I think the pitch could be a bit stronger. Not that it doesn't draw, but it's tough to really get what the story's about til maybe the end. Also, "turned his world upside down" is kind of overdone and cliche (I had it in mine, too. Had to change it).

The only thing I can really find is that the quotations should be double quotations. Single quotations are meant for quotes within quotes (as in the person quoted is quoting someone)

Very nicely done! High star rating for sure. I look forward to seeing this rise up the ranks.

Good luck with this.

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Edward, I have started reading the book and thoroughly enjoyed it so far. It is easy to like as your characters come across as real and the dialogue flows very naturally. It's going to take a while to ghet through it all but if the rest is as enjoyable as the first 3 then I will read it all. You obviously have a good eye for detail and I felt i was listening in on conversations and that I knew some of the people you described. No hesitation in backing it and putting on my shelf.

The words "hit" come to mind when I read this. I may be outside my genre, but I know a good idea and a good writing when I see it. You have it. I don't comment on grammar or writing mechanics, as it isn't my strong suit. However, I can tell you that you have something here that publishers need to seriously take a look at. Nice characters and you place hooks within the reading that make the reader want to continue. I am giving you high stars and will be back for more at a later date. I actually remember reading a piece of this awhile ago, if I recall correctly your first chapter is shorter? Whatever it is that seems different, I like the change. I'll be back!

Best of luck with it,

Ashley

I love your story and your voice is great. It kept me involved through the 3 chapters I normally read and I'll come back for more while it's on the shelf. Great hooks to keep the reader involved too.

My only concern would be that using first person you have such a tremendous opportunity to give us an inside look at the characters emotions, let us feel what he's feeling. Maybe he's meant to have this detached air about him and in that case, it might work. I wanted to relate to him emotionally because I love his voice. Finding a character you like, it's natural to want more.

Other than that, I like what I read. I've struggled with what I mentioned above as well, especially the first time I wrote like that. The present tense is wonderful too, it's immediate (if that makes sense). LIke I said, I'll read more too. Let me know if you have any questions, I'm not an expert by any means but a recent hard edit helped me see a lot of things I didn't before!

Missy

Hi Edward thanks for the offer of a read swop.

I usually only read the first three chapters but I read more of 6 months 6 years simply because of the brilliant hooks you drop in chapter one. “Didn’t know why he died. I did ... ” along with the mysterious letter are enticing concepts to haul the reader into the story.

You can certainly write. “ ...we have cake” is a superb line telling a lot in a few short words as is the shivering “exposing unloved teeth.” “ ...written postcards to himself” is a neat means of character description.

I think you might want to reconsider the sentence with “...macabre words” early on in chapter one. Deflating words, disappointing words maybe but macabre?

Yet for all this wonderful prose I fear you have a major problem. In my view we don’t know enough about the hero. He doesn’t have to be likeable as some have suggested in other reviews, though that always helps. Even after 5 chapters I don’t know who he is or what his aims are. You might try Ian McEwan’s Solar for a brilliant examination of a man and his life where the hero is so full of faults we end up liking him.

I wonder if we need more hooks through chapter two and three. I thought it took a long time to get to the sacking. In TV you would almost certainly jettison everything in that chapter and just hold the sacking scene in the cafe.

Being told of your father’s death is amongst the most life changing moments one experiences yet here it passes by without an inkling of Freddy’s reaction. I had to read the section a few times to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. Obviously this maybe deliberate and the reason revealed later.

Normally I would consider these faults to be major obstacles but there is definitely something of quality happening here. I do want to know more, obviously about the letter and his father but perhaps more about our luckless hero. It may also be in your decision to cut back and for from the present to the past or it your ability to write. I will definitely read more and have rated this highly.

Good luck Edward I am not surprised this is moving up the Authonomy charts.

S L Stockford Fresco

Edward - I don't now how you've written this but I think it has the potential to be a massive hit. I read it through on my friends account whilst I was on holiday and found the story totally compelling - I've never read first person writing that's so involving. Your dialogue is blistering - where did you study? I haven't picked up any errors (even the principle picked up below is actually correct!). I'm not sure if you have representation for this yet but if you want to discuss it's future email me at gouvert@hotmail.co.uk. Thanks!

I enjoyed this very much. I'm always eager to read about seemingly hopeless characters and see whether they are able to find some kind of modest redemption or hope. My book has similar themes.
I've taken you off my shelf for now to make room for some other books, but you're still on my watchlist and will go back onto my shelf at some point.

Nathan

Hi Ed,

I love this story. It's one that needs to be told. It makes people who feel their lives are not worth much
realize just how fortunate they are. It's well done and well written. I looked for flaws but found none.
When I find something this well put together I have to back it, and I shall!

Backed with pleasure :)

My best to you, T.L. Doutrich

This is good, with a lot of potential, but at the moment I feel like this still needs a fair amount of work. These are just my impressions but feel I should give my honest opinions and hopefully help with editing your novel...

i found that flow of time is particularly odd, with characters introduced in real time and then years fast forwarded. i think that you need to take the main focus of time that novel works in, and then slip in references back to his earlier years rather than just rushing through it all at the beginning.

i also find the emotion (or lack of) here makes it difficult to relate to. freddy shows he is able to have emotion - just by the fact that he is remembering what happened to his father, why else bother? - but then fails to even register an emotion when he's told he has died. it would take a very very dark and socially ill-adjusted person to not feel any emotion at all at the time. I understand freddy is meant to seem disconnected from his surroundings and emotionally distant, but this episode with his father's death stuck out. otherwise, because of freddy's distant tone, he's hard to relate to and like, which could turn ppl off from the story early on, even if you come to sympathize and root for him as it gets further in.

finally, freddy is meant to be english, but not heard anything in his language or had him do anything that really indicates this. u get he's english from saying he went to oxford, n a few other references, but his identity should come through in his voice too and frames of reference (things he talks about, comparisons he makes).

i hope you don't mind me saying these things, these were my honest impressions so thought it right to share them with you. the first chapter needs to grab and be really easy to get into immediately, but at the moment because of the tone, and fragmented first chapter, this is a bit difficult. I hope this helps and good luck with the book!

Well told and quite captivating. Unusual to read about a man's soul-searching on such an emotional level; usually this kind of text comes from women writers.

Fix up things like "principle" instead of "principal"; "pain au raison" in stead of "pain au raisin". Otherwise the language is mature and grammatically correct.

Although I can't say how you place yourself in this genre (it's quite unfamiliar to me), I expect your readers to enjoy this book.

Best,

GG

An engrossing and entertaining read. Bravo.

I enjoyed the verve and pace of the writing but am confused by the alternation of time in the chapters; the purpose escapes me. Also, I am worried about a childhood case of "aniridia" which is not so far as I can tell a disease one gets but rather a condition. The phrase "irrespective of their competence" bothers me; I suppose it is old-fashioned to think "regardless of their competence." I believe expecting one's wife to cook for one is not necessarily "misogynistic" although it might be unreasonable. That love life and sex life are "intractable" or not just baffles me. Finally, the word "itinerate" is used (if at all these days) for an itinerant preacher.... I suggest an editor who will not be charmed by the vigor of your prose.

enjoying the read so far Edward, well written and meaningful -
Derec

I started to get into the story when Freddy is introduced to Charlie. Freddy seems to have had a somewhat sheltered life in spite of being a forces son. Charlie seems set to lead him astray. This looks like a fun read.
Gillian Bergh [THE PATIENT ATE A MOUSE]

A really engaging first chapter and some great hooks. "He hadn't known my father and he didn't know why he died. I did." And then there's the contents of the letter which you have up your sleeve still.The writing is strong and you keep the pace up. I developed an emotional interest early on with the scene of Dad in the garage almost stoically giving out advice he wished he had been able to follow himself. I am not sold on the tense you write in at times. First person present. I can only presume this becomes necessary later. Why not simply past tense? It is not a major gripe, i just wondered why. The line from Charlie's dad ending 'that's exactly what happened when he met Mum" is an absolute corker and I am sure your married female readers will pause at that one. Save the fashionable use of first person present this is an older fashioned sort of read with some very good human observation. I think the cover is a stand out on any book shelf and the title nicely ambiguous. Is it a prison term? Very accomplished.
Well done
Norton

six years six month...i m guessing why not seven years seven months or so....will surely hv to read the book to know six years n six month...hv added the book in watchlist...

I've just put your book on my bookshelf. Hope you will return the favour and put mine on yours (it's Penrose - Princess of Penrith). If you do, many thanks. John

This sounds like a guy who's given up on his life, from the start, to the point where he doesn't feel much any more. It's an interesting story, reads well.

I think it is a beautifully balanced book and looking at some of the comments below, it should really be pointed out that it is a light-hearted affair and touches upon many of the problems twentysomethings actually face.

It is the perfect companion to take with you on the underground of a morning and is exactly the sort of book i would buy - I very much hope, and indeed feel that this should climb the charts - and hopefully we'll see it in Waterstones soon! Six stars to Edward lilley!

One word for this book - AMAZING. I have to say, what I expected from chp1 and what I've got (just finished chp10) is a million miles apart. You paint a disheartned Freddy very well in the present and use the alternating past chapters to reveal to the reader the journey he's taken to end up in his current predicament. I read a comment below about him not being likeable enough - i'm not sure if I do like him, but i understand him! He has elements of an anti-hero and I've found myself willing him to try harder at life - in chp10 he's just beginning to spread his wings and i'm getting optimistic! Execellent, imaginative description and some truly witty dialogue...six stars - backed.

I really like your writing style and your writers voice. Freddies narrative tells you all you want to know . The first two chapters are excellent but I have to admit chapter three left me hanging. You start of by moving your story on swiftly and throw us small bits of information over a short time scale. Then chapter 3 and it drags through each day and each hour. I skipped through that as it did not interest me but you got my attention again in chapter 4. You sum the nasty wife up a few scant lines but we see the whole picture. I think this needs some work but the premis is very good.

Amelia
A date in the diary

Your summary indicates a story which could be quite interesting and your style in writing has got potential but... I'm affraid you have to work a bit harder with it.

To begin with, in the summary you state that your hero has the perfect life, job, wife etc. But reading the first two chapters of it, I found out that it was quite the opposite right from the beginning. The way your character describes the basic components of his life in the first two chapters, shows that he compelitely despises all of them.

Your first chapter is the one where you introduce your character but as a reader, I wasn't able to recognise his personality traits. The whole chapter lacks in emotion (apart from the father's disapointment) although such a serious thing as death takes place. Doesn't your hero feel anything for his father's death? Doesn't this have any impact on his (or anybody else's) life and his character? And if yes, what is it? I found it really selfish and insensitive of him that all the reference he makes on his father's death, is that he may have found a brother instead!

Also, the wife is presented as the complete bitch (very strange for such a young man to put up with such frustrating situation at home in modern times) but, to my opinion, he's equally a bastard. He complains about unsatisfactory sex life but on the other hand he seems totally oblivious of that thing called love. Again, apart from contempt and sarcasm, I wasn't able to recognise any other feelings on Freddy.

As for his work enviromment and collegues, sure, we all know what they really are but again, Freddy does not appear any better! I must confess that I was happy that he finally got the sack.

What I'm trying to say, is that you depict a 27 year-old-educated man to resemble that character from "Love and Marriage" but just a bit more cunning. I surely could not empathise with him, but that would be OK, actually it would be brilliant if you narrated the story in the third person instead of the first, and didn't try to make excuses for his obnoxious character. This way it would resemble the Ebenezer Scrooge approach in Dickens' Christmas Carol, and it could be great!

Concerning the writing style as well as grammar, again chapter one needs serious editing, as they both give the impression of a fragmental, non-flowing, somewhat hasty and incomplete narration (by the way, whatever happened to the father's letter?) Watch out for tenses, collocation. Chapter two is better on that aspect.

Forgive me for coming up so harsh, I don't mean to discourage you and of course I'm no authority; this is all personal opinion. And believe me, the only reason I decided to share these (extensive) thoughts is because I think that there is hope here. You have got an interesting story with some really brilliant elements but you must work on it. Try to look into your hero's soul as well as those around him (!) and if you feel you want to justify what he does, then do so appropriately, so as the reader sees it too. Tell or show someway, how he feels and why.

I really hope that you will find your way in making this story the great story that it deserves to be. I'm sure you can. I will be glad to be of any help if you need it.

Hello Edward,

Thanks for suggesting swapping reads. The pitch suggested we may have composed two very similar stories, so I was delighted to see how vastly different our writing styles are. I've just finished Chapter 3 and will put it on my watchlist as I'm very keen to see what happens to Freddy.

Patt Staples
Nancy, A Good Girl Gone Bad

First impressions. Very good. I pottered along enjoying the father until the paragraph starting "My father is an engineering officer in the RAF....." I didn't like this para, because his father's frustration / disappointment was being shown very well anyway. Then he's killed in an accident which, as well as being sad, took away a lot of interest for me because he's such a strong character. Anyway, I'll watchlist it and see how I feel when I revisit. All the best.

Edward this is incredibly good. I slipped into freddies life very easily. You paint the loner very well. The construction of the wat Freddie handles his fathers death with snippets of other peoples converstaion and statments is very realistic. We are on the outside with him looking in. Your pae moves very quickly and suddenly you are a lawyer and a married man. Your characterisation of the others in the firm is excellent you build the ones we love to hate. And suddenly with a bump he is out thinking what to tell his wife.
This book is an easy read even though you introduce quite a large character list they are instantly recognisable to any office worker. Thi has climbed high and quckly I am sure it will do well shame there is no cover. All the best Sue
One foot in the jungle / Knowing Liam Riley

I don't really know what I think about what I have read so far. I mean Freddy's OK sort of, and the other characters in Chambers are a bunch of almost predictable money grabbing bastards who couldn't give a toss about anyone except themselves. (Good to see that nothing changes in office life) Quite naturally Freddy went to Oxford to read Law purely and simply because he had no desire to become a pilot in the RAF. (Not a bad choice eh?) His mother's sort of OK, rather meek and mild, very reserved, doesn't say much at all, even after her husband gets wiped out driving his vintage Jaguar.(Was she relieved?) Then the over bearing, selfish wife Natasha, who I have absolutely no sympathy for. (Does Freddy really think she's the perfect wife?) Then we return to poor, little chinless wonder Freddy getting the boot, and at last hopefully shaking off the restrictions of his stuffy, rancid, middle-class, existence and coming alive! Come on Freddy you can do it! Kick the table over, eat Cornish pasties and chips anytime you like. (Not forgetting the brown sauce) Get rid of the missus, sell the house! To me there just seems no balls in any of it. No emotions at all really, all very much under cover with a recognisable air of snobbery running through it - (not my cup of "char" at all I'm afraid.) Mind you I'm rather curious as to what that letter said from his dad. Was it a suicide note? If so why not mention it just to see what happens? Wifred - PS Noticed a typo - "You could join Cranwell straight from school was keen to be ..."

After reading chapter 1, I felt a bit for Freddy. I was sympathetic to him. But I was a bit unsure about his motivations and his conflict. Yes he is shy and young. I was hunting a bit for something more unique about him.

I feel the first opening paragraphs feel disorganized to me. You begin with dreams, then the being an only child and then back again to father's death. I feel there could be a more straight forward way of organizing the chapter thematically. Perhaps consider opening with the father's death. And you should be careful about tenses.

In Chapter 2, things come very much alive. I really liked the writing here. Freddy sparkles here. I think you should do something about Chapter 1. The energy inn the writing of chapter 2 really comes as surprise after reading the first chapter. Poor Freddy though.

As I read on, I do find the university years less engrossing than the married years.. And I find Natasha to be extremely unlikable. She is really selfish. I think you need to make her a little less the cliche of strong wife nagging the passive husband type. Make her a little more likable and a bit more ambiguous. There is no reason to turn her into devil just so we can root for Freddy to grow some balls. It is distracting a bit.

Anyway, the writing is really good. Even though Freddy is somewhat passive, his sarcasm makes him alive. And Freddy is really sympathetic. As a reader, I'm really rooting for him to make a head way of his life.

I see your swap read, and raise you a star rating.
I really enjoyed your book and have rated you highly.

I was drawn into the story in the 1st paragraph. I love when that happens. It was like I was standing in the garage with them, and felt his father's somber mood, his despondancy.

I did want to know more about the letter Freddy recieved from his dad 3 days after he died though. What did he write? Does this come up in a later chapter?

Love the line.."an open mouthed guffaw, exposing unloved teeth."

The parallel timeline works well with this story and I found it easy connect with Freddy's life.


You've got a talent and I like the flow of your writing style.
I have placed you on my WL for further reads (because I simply must read more than 3 chapters) and will ask DeJay to back you on my behalf.
You book has tons of potential. All the best on your ride to the Ed's desk.

Smiles - Linda

Very interesting storyline, its captivating. I have only gotten through a couple of chapters, but I am really enjoying it. It's well written and I didn't find anything that hung me up or made me think. I look forward to reading more. Best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Hello Edward. Nice synopsis, which grabs one and takes one's interest immediately into your work. I'm not a critic, just a scriptwriter, so I really don't have much ability to do anything but to say that I like it.

blessings,
jim

Hi Edward,
I'm at work so just dropping by a few edits on the first few paragraphs. Let me know if thisis useful or not. I will come back to comment on plot and story as well.
Cheers Jacoba
He stands up and proceeds to wipe the grease from his hands onto the legs of his overalls, "Achieving them...

He takes a small flask from his pocket and drains it before continuing, "You best..

Okay,
So I came back and read the first two chapters of this. It reads very well. I liked Freddy and got easily drawn into his story. The first chapter held me with his antics with Charlie, and the second with his dull drum of a life being a solicitor and husband. I had an inklin things weren't going to go well for him at the firm, and it was all a setup to get him out the door. Hopefully as your story progresses this will be just what he needed to kick on with the life he wants. Sometimes the bad always flips to the good. Glass half full theory I guess.
Anyway, I think you've got a good one here, well done,
Cheers Jacoba

...but they are always solemn, as he's constantly depressed.

bearing witness to a father's breakdown becomes unbearable to endure for a young man.

he wanted so badly to be a pilot, but a series of medical mishpas left it beyond his reach.

made it through your first two chapters. You should know that I never comment on writing mechanics as I am still learning alot myself. However, I can give you a reader's honest opinion. This normally isn't my genre, so at first I had a hard time getting drawn into the story. Then towards the end of Chapter 1, I started identifying with Charlie. I could sense his emotions about going to university, the "inadequate imposter" was a good description. This chapter had me wanting to turn the page. The Chapter 2 started off a little slow again for me, but once again you seemed to draw me in with your innovative descriptions. I am going to watch list you and come back for the third chapter. There is a ton of potential for success with this story, and I wish you the best with it!

Ashley
Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

Six Years, Six Months:

I think this story has lots of potential but I felt there should be something ‘before’ the opening paragraph? After the father speaks, we learn it’s the first time he’s done so since Freddy entered the garage. But we don’t know how long Freddy has been in the garage. Ten minutes, half-hour? And had he been helping his father, or just watching him?

The father’s dialogue sounds as though it’s in response to something Freddy said, as though they’d already been discussing Freddy’s goals/future. But when he speaks he says, ‘I don’t think I have any dreams yet.’ so it sounds as though the father, just out of the blue, and after how long? talks about Freddy’s dreams.

In the third paragraph you change from past to present tense then in other paragraphs, some are all present tense and some you hop back and forth, which I find distracting. I think you should decide which one to keep? It'll read so much smoother.

I wondered what age Freddy was, and assumed at first he was about twelve or thirteen, but by the way the man, who’d brought the news about his father, got on one knee to talk to him at eye level, that he was much younger, but then we’re told it was his seventeen birthday? Or did I misread something?

A couple of bits and bobs here:

‘Never, ever allow your dreams to get away from you Freddy,’ Needs a comma after you.

[began to] speak for the first time - spoke for the first time

I think mum is pleased - Mum needs a capital M.

mum and I ride - And here.

My father is going to follow this evening – this could be tightened to: My father will follow this evening.

Charlie will show him a good time’ – comma needed before speech mark.

when he met mum. Capital M for mum.

becoming a lawyer Freddy?’ comma needed after lawyer

for interview I [began to] feel 'began to' not needed.

I’ve only had the chance to read the first chapter, but I will keep it on my watchlist to read more. As I haven't read the pitch. I want to see how Freddy progresses. :o)

As I said, this has promise, and will read much better when you have it edited.

All the best.

Cáit :o)

Reminiscing

Edward,

It's not really my genre so I'd feel commenting on the story would not really offer much of use. So I'll mainly focus on the writing, looking at the stnadard stuff like structure, grammar etc.

The first thing I'll say is that the writing flows quite well, with an almost casual, conversational style happily escorting the reader through, which comes as a relief after the first glance offers an almost dauntingly large amount of narrative. In that respect, I think it could do with some line breaks here and there to help ease us along, particularly where the recollection of dialogue is concerned in the first chapter. I'm also not too sure about some of the tense switches, but then that could be more an issue of me being unfamiliar with the genre as a whole, so I won't elaborate further on that. Everything else seems fine, maybe a few commas etc here and there might polish it up, but that's just a matter of opinion.

Sorry I couldn't offer much more than that.

D M Sharples.

Perhaps I have a warped sense of humour, Edward, but I laughed when Freddy got the sack after what was a very 'Mr Bean' reviewing of his fellow workers, even though I guessed that was coming. (I can see Rowan Atkinson's face when he gets the news) I also liked the familiar "we would have to have a very good reason NOT to have sex becoming we need a reason TO have sex - how many marriages go that way? Also, I like Freddy's pessimist outlook on life. The m/s is well-written and the characters are easy to relate to. I enjoy reading it very much. Backed and on w'l.

Kate Grimes -LIZZIE -CUPPA TALES - TALES OFWILLOW GREEN -ANNIE

Hi Edward,
I'Ve just finished reading the fourth chapter, and I don't like Natasha. I'm enjoying the read and am keen to find out what happens next. I wonder if you did work in a lawyer's office. I'm sure some of those lawyers are based on real life characters.
I must admit, I am finding it just a little confusing at times, as regards to the different tenses.
I'm giving you a five star rating for the moment, until I can read some more.

Cheers
Willie (Missing)

Chapter 1

You had me laughing the 6th line down. Yeah, having a dream means there is a huge chance you will fail. His father is right on the dot on that one . . . sort of. So sad about he mother. She wanted another child but the father didn't. Because she gave up though, it made me feel for the mother. That's good. Building a connection with the reader already.

When we learn that his father was killed by crashing in a tree, I kind of felt bad for him. But before that, he was my least favorite of the three characters introduced so far. I think you have a talent for writing. You definitely are doing the right thing.

Man, I was hoping you were going to read us the father's letter that he wrote before they left. Dang! :) That's like telling me I have ice cream but you don't give me any. You meany.

Let me see . . . the most intriguing characters you created, listed from best to worse:
Freddy
Freddy's Father
Freddy's Mother
Charlie

Good order because Fredd is the main character. You always want them to be the best. It's funny how at first I wasn't a fan of his dad but now I am. I wonder if his death had anything to do with it. And not being a fan of a person because of the way they act doesn't necessarily mean they are bad characters. Here, it means he's a good character. And because of your characters I would like to read on . . . hoping . . . just hoping that I will get to see what Freddy's father wrote in the letter. :)

i read chapter one and i like how you decribe your characters. the scenes are easy to imagine. lots of stars for this one.
good luck with this,
melissa :)

A well written narrative, I liked the concept of the timeline split. Good luck! R

I can indentify with the central character and the story flows well so far.
I envy the fact you have written in first person. I started to do this with mmy novel, but because of the crisi later on, I felt like I waas self wallowing. Here the tense works really well. Love you :)

honest and true- good flow to your writing- intellent, yes a joy to read...
on my watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

I'd like to thank everyone for their comments thus far. I've just completed an update of the MS, in particular correcting some difficult tense construction and potentially confusing narrative. EPL

Wonderful technique in story construction with separate paragraphs, at first, for each character's conversation. The first person narrative is spellbinding for this reader. The mention of a letter from "father" caused me to expect to read a letter; I found none? I think this work will do very well. Good luck with it. Backed. Chuck

Hi Edward

I really enjoyed the first 3 chapters and intend to come back and read more.

The setting is really good and there is a good balance of past and present so we can see where Freddy has come from and where he might be going to. The characters are well drawn and descriptions evocative. I will definitely be back to read moroe and will w/l and give you 5 stars for now. I think this could really go somewhere. Well done

I read a few chapters and enjoyed your story. I believe many people will be able to identify with Freddy. Your grammar is good, though I noticed the use of 'they're' instead of 'their' in the 2nd chapter. The characters are well-described as well. All in all, I think your story has a lot of potential.

Really enjoying this, its well written and very easy to get drawn into the story and relate to the characters. I am looking forward to finishing the rest of it. 5 stars.

Well written and thought provoking, looking forward to reading on...

great short pitch.
j
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