Nemesis in Spain

Great premise. Very intriguing story. I do know that the Guadia Civil are a major force. A throw back to the Franco days who still have the power to intimidate the Spanish people.
Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa.

Hi James

This story sounds like it’s full of twists and turns. The pitch is good, though you have some commas where you don’t need them and this disrupts the flow a little. The ‘romantic’ partnership seemed a little weird. Maybe because I associate romantic with romance, so that could just be me. What is FSB? Personally, I think your pitch could be pared back a little as t the moment, it feels like it’s laying out the whole story and it should intrigue the reader to want to read on without giving away too much.

In the chick lit world (which I’m most familiar with), an opening with the MC waking up with a hangover is extremely clichéd and pretty much a no-no. No idea if this is the same with crime, but it may just be something to think about. That being said, I liked your first line – though I expected it to be because he’d been beaten up and left half dead somewhere. No idea why I thought that!

He goes up to the tenth floor to the health spa but checks his watch at the reception? Is this the health spa reception? My first thought was reception as in, the hotel reception. That sauna must reek of alcohol. Shudder.

I am a little confused with the first chapter going back to Alexei as a child and presumably, a teen. I’m a little unsure as to why they’re placed here and I do think that if it’s purely a tool to explain his back-story, it could probably be integrated in a way that wouldn’t confuse the reader too much. As I say though, these are all just my opinions.

I like that this is Russian orientated. I’m a great lover of Russian Historical Romance and history in general. That being said – and this is in no way your fault – I was a teensy little bit underwhelmed by your character names. Please feel free to slap me, because I know character names can be quite a contentious thing to bring up with some writers, but I only say this because so far from what I’ve read – your writing is good. The names – Sergei, Nikolai and Alexei have just been so overused I think and I was aching to have something a little different. Even a slightly different spelling to Alexei e.g. Aleksei would have made me think – something a little fresh! Again, this is ONLY my opinion and hey, what do I know.

The paragraph starting ‘it was early summer’ seems to slip into dialogue I think? ‘...the flavour of the vodka you’ve just sampled’ was the line that threw me a touch. ‘Only need to know’ – I’ve usually heard the phrase as just ‘need to know’ without the only.

The Basques – there’s no date stamp here, is that intentional? This, I think, would work equally as well as an opening as it’s very fast paced. Again, only my opinion.

Whilst I don’t usually read crime thrillers, I like that this is relevant and stretches from country to country. In terms of editing, there are a couple of things that would sharpen this up. You have some instances of repetition of certain words in sentences, in other words the same word used closely together, and other than that just a few typos. Nothing major. The mechanics of the story are easy enough for me to follow and the tension is perfectly balanced.

Silva
Heart Shaped Bruise

Gorgeous writing. I never tire of the Russian theme, especially when it relates to thrillers and intelligence services. Of course, I'm biased. But still, this is really good, George (it that's your real name). :-) Highly starred and backed with pleasure.

- Nemesis in Spain -

(Chapters 1-4)

This reads as a very intelligent thriller by an author who clearly knows his subject matter. This is evident from the off in the descriptions of St Petersburg, the knowledge of racial attitudes and relations in russia and of the Russian secret services, as well as the language and local customs. The pacing and tension are also very good. We have short chapters that pack a lot of punch and the intigue of the first chapters is followed on by the explosive (literally) action thereafter.

I do have a few editorial notes which i hope will be of some use. I am a novice as a writer, however, and make no claim to being right about these things so my notes me be taken on or discarded as seen fit.

-In the opening paragraph, there is a lot of repetition of 'slowly' - slowly seeped, slowly awoke, slowly weaved towards.... I'd suggest omitted or rewording at least two of these as it is likely to jar with the reader.

- Another slight bit of repetition, with 'himself' - relieve himself, revive himself - in quick scession. The second 'himself' could be omitted.

-In dialogue, names and terms of address should be preceded by a comma. So there should be a comma before 'Alexei' in 'Good evening Alexei.'
....As a minor note, 'Evening' is capitalised where it shouldn't be in the text.

- I would advise against using brackets to explain the meaning of foreign words as this can be jarring for the reader, making it read a little like a textbook and this can bring them out of the narrative. There are really two ways you can go about making the meaning clear. 1) Use the context, as is done with 'Baltika'. We hear that Alexei orders a Baltika then that it is part of his plan to stick to beer. So we know Baltika is a beer - perfect. Or 2) use the foreign word then give the English meaning after a comma. For example: ....the Komsomol, the youth wing of the Communist party,.... Whatever works best in the circumstances.


These are all minor notes and nitpicks which do not detract from the fact that this is a very accomplished thriller. Excellent stuff.

All the best with it,

Ross

Hi J. Many thanks for backing my novel. If you are familiar with these "goings on in Spain do you also live in Spain.
Very impressed by your book and amazing amount of thought which has gone into it.

hey, i think you know what you are talking about! i am quite familiar with these types of goings-on in spain. your book is very credible. well done...
j
what every woman should know