My Friends Are Dead People

Hurrah for Tony Ortiz - not only one of the nicest guys on this site (and certainly the most well-loved commentator), but also an extremely gifted writer.

I thought there was no more magic left in the world. I was wrong. 'My Friends are Dead People' (what a great title!) is a fantasy gem - superbly constructed and full of wit, charm and mad, lovable characters.

It wouldn't surprise me if this were on the desk for Halloween. Woo-hoo, H.C., treat this trick to a contract!

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

Okay. Love the title. Love it. And, the pitch is great. You've promised me vamps and zombies? I'm on board.

I'm intrigued by these first thee chapters. Enough to read on. A crazy, violent, attack-cat? What's not to love? You've created some interesting characters here. Even Duma has a unique personality. Jesse and Oz's relationship is different-- I have to wonder why he calls his mom Oz and why he's homeschooled, but these apsect add a little twist to the story you don't often find. Katie is a great contrast to Jesse. She's a rebel, a girl who knows her own mind. She sort of reminds me of Duma. :)

Besides the quirky characters and crazy cat, chapter one is a glimpse into relative normality. Chapter 2 starts off with a bang. We're plunged into magic and werewolves. The action is intense from here on out.

When I read stories with kids and teens, I always comment on the believability of the characters. So many authors can't quite capture the mannerisms and reactions of the average 12 or 13 year old, but I think you've done very well in this respect. Jesse and Katie are unique and unforgettable, but still within the bounds of "normal" pre-teen/teen behavior.

Anyways, great job with this story. I can see this doing very well with your intended audience and with the adult who love Harry Potter as well.

This book hits the teenage reading market spot square-on, and with style. It captures brilliantly the unique, egotistical and surreal world of a thirteen year old boy. From the start there are hints of the darker side of the book: the theme of death & werewolf resurrection are quickly established, e.g. see line 2, ch. 1 'The doctor treated my cat like he was possessed'.

The dialogue is natural, unforced, and with the minimum of 'he said; she said' verb preambles.

This is a book likely to appeal to the teenage group most loathe to read: adolescent boys! It contains all the ingredients that will interest them, and is delivered by the author in an accessible, non-patronising and appealing way. It is notoriously difficult to write well for the teenage market, but this writer has done it, and done it very well indeed.

This is a rising star on the site, and deserves backing.

Colin Neville

My Friends Are Dead People is a delightful entry into the young adult literary genre. It’s written perfectly for the intended age group, sort of like Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, but with scary werewolves and other monsters.

When I first started reading, I was afraid this was going to be a tale of loss, since it looked like the main character, 13-year-old Jesse, was going to be forced to have his cat Duma put to sleep. But then the cat, who is his constant companion, becomes a focal point of the Halloween story. The relationship between the boy and his cat is really precious, though Duma is unlike any normal animal.

Jesse has a strange relationship with his mother as well. They are more like equals than mother and son. There is also the element of mystery: a strange letter in a padlocked cabinet, the fact that the werewolf knows a lot about Jesse and his deceased father, and other little elements hinted at here and there.

The pacing in the book is perfect. There is never enough time to get bored, a very important thing in YA literature, yet the story is not shorted because of this. Great dialog that never breaks character is just icing on the cake for author Tony J. Ortiz.

I believe that My Friends Are Dead People could make a huge splash (and a refreshingly unique one that is sorely needed) with young adult readers. And if my level of enjoyment is any indication, quite a few adults may enjoy the ride as well.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Tony, I think I just landed in Middle Earth... but your imagination knows no bounds, no mere ring, and certainly no mere school for mortals.

At first, you had me laughing out loud at Duma's naughtiness... Then charmed by Jesse and by Katie. Even Oz, for all her faults, turned out to be a Mama like no other. Human fears - I had to find out what would happen to Duma. Along the way, you entice with the need to know what Oz has in that envelope... and you hit readers with Jesse's wanderings to find Oz's jacket, fearing the fog along with Jesse and Duma. The woman in the bare yard is everyone's worst nightmare for a neighbor, but she becomes endearing, even though she has to lead Jesse to that house - and Charlie.

Now, it's the bogey man come to life, but he has a saving grace in his Ma - we hope. The talk of the Himalaya IS kind of hard to follow - perhaps too much at this point for young readers? Not sure - but then some of it becomes clear when we are transported *below stairs*, as it were, into the sequoia. What a magical land this is. The hint at Jesse's father's identity is a bit of a surprise - *bit* being an understatement! Another mystery yet to be unraveled, methinks.

What I can deduce, is that this is a story like no other in this world or the next. We have an all too human boy with a whacky, delightful girl friend in Katie, and they are surely *chosen* ones - yet ones young readers will follow with eyes on stalks. And who cannot love a boy with a grave; for a snail called 'John' outside? And a leash for Duma. Adorable.

Whatever HC thinks of this story, I think you can be sure of immortality somewhere, as the man who gave Young Adults another world in which to escape the harsh realities of this one. Another world, and mysteries to solve. What more could they need?

This world of youngsters needs this world of author Tony Ortiz, and it needs more from him.

From Kay with love and admiration
(Kaychristina - *The Ragged Yellow Ribbon*)

Hi Tony
I am not sure if you are still looking for comments on your book as you have been to the ED but I couldn't resist taking a peek and giving you my penny's worth. First of all I love your title. I think it will make your target readership take the book off the shelf and start reading. I like your characters although I am a little unsure about the relationship between Jesse and Oz. It's not so much what he calls her (some families do that) but it is the way he speaks to her. It's almost like he's talking to a much older sister, albeit one with parental responsibility for him. Or maybe that's exactly the kind of relationship you intended? A kind of hippyish one. I like the way you have loads of unanswered in the first chapters. Who is this stalker? What is it about the cat? What's in the envelope? All great stuff for the reader to ponder and draw their own (probably wrong) conclusions to.
I could imagine your target readership would love this book and I can see why it is so popular on this site!
Good luck with it and your writing.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Crit it Forward

Again, sorry this has taken me so long!

Your long pitch sounds quite dark for what’s tagged as a Children’s story, so I’ll have to read to see how dark the actual book is.

Chapter 1
- The first paragraph definitely sounds like a book directed towards a younger audience. So far I really like your style.
- I don’t like the mother being referred to by her name, unless that’s the type of relationship between them
- This boy is supposed to be thirteen, but he’s thinking about the possibility of his cat being half turtle….
- Okay, so I got to the description of the name, but I don’t think you need to actually have him tell us her actual name. You can put it into a dialogue and continue to call her Oz if that’s how he refers to her
- I don’t think I can quite get a handle on Jesse. At one point, he sounds young for his age and now he sounds quite mature for his age by using words like ‘euthanize’
- Like Jesse, I can’t really believe that they would put the cat down the next day.

Chapter 2
- A fatal car accident implies that everyone died in it, but clearly Oz survives. Maybe change it to a tragic accident?
- For a kid who was stalked, I think he should be a bit more nervous about going outside alone at night, especially since he was so young when it had happened. Also, what six year old has a wallet and wanders around alone to give someone the opportunity to do that?
- Okay now I’m just confused. Why the heck would Oz show him the envelope so out of the blue and randomly say “hey, this is important to me, but I’m not going to tell you why but I’m telling you so that you come back inside.” Made absolutely no sense to me.
- I’m almost convinced there’s something wrong with this kid. He acts MUCH younger than his age, especially pulling the cat by its hind legs. The logical thing to do, for an older person, is to actually wrap hands around the body of the cat. All you have to say is that he pulled Duma from the hole.
- I have to say, this should have been your first chapter. The first chapter you have I don’t find necessary at all, and I almost forgot about the plot for the book.

I only just started to get into the plot in the second chapter, so I don’t feel I can really comment on it. I think the whole little thing about Duma almost being put to sleep was unnecessary. Nowhere in the first chapter do you mention anything about a coat, so when I got to the second chapter I was completely confused. I think the best part was the very end of chapter 2 when Jesse is running away from Charles and he feels the breath on the back of his neck. Very well done. Other than that, I have to say that I don’t really understand Jesse and I can’t quite get a handle on him.

I see you’ve already made it to the ED with this book, so I’m not sure how much of this review you’ll use but I hope this gives you at least another perspective.

- Nichole

My Friends are Dead People. By Tony Ortiz. 11/02/2012

Hi Tony, Thanks for your great review which I will respond to in a separate message.

A couple of generalities first. It is obvious that you are not in the UK (I am) so it wasn't until Chapter 3 that I switched from Australia to the US. With this in mind we both know that English speaking countries hold different grammatical sets of rules/vocabularies and have different cultural values. Personally, I do not find this a problem; I find the genre difficult. I'm sure that those who read this type of story will do so from a completely different perspective than mine. I note that you, as the writer have written in your style but that the teenagers have written in their style, educational ability and teen-speak. If that's how their thoughts and speech are then I will not comment – except if it really jars. The same goes for the 'fantasy' pieces e.g. If Charles can see outside as though there is no dividing wall; that is okay by me-assuming he possesses those powers.

I can't give you much as to the Pitches as my brain is not geared up to fantasy. However, I get the general drift of the story.

Chapter 1.
The Doctor. Are Vets referred to as Doctor in the US?
'treated my cat like he was possessed.' (cat or doctor?)
(maybe of interest. I have two cats and give them left-overs of cooked meat).
You have used the word WAS 17 times in the first five paras. Maybe do a word count for the whole story. You may find an improvement in your writing when setting out an alternative method. (I fall into the same trap, usually after a re-write).
Maybe 'wandering off to my own room.'
Nearly stumbled. (maybe omit nearly – instils uncertainty).
I liked the para: Duma was pure black....Typical teenage thoughts, fantasy within a fantasy.
'Playing with his private parts.' (or engaged in a bit of cat hygiene?)
Para; Jesse tomorrow morning...powerful. But why earlier statement: 'You need to train Duma?'
Para: 'Knowing'.. another good teenage insight.
Euthanise? (maybe put to sleep, kill). Bit of an adult word.
I like the children's interaction and am into this straight away.

Chapter 2.
Bulky rucksack? What else does it contain? Sleeping bag etc?
Have now reached the point where I wonder where the story is going to so I return to the pitch. Umm.
Smelled like a homeless person. Could get some bad feedback there. Some readers may not like the social connotations/associations. Maybe just smelled/smelt.
Catching a hold of. (maybe omit 'a.' UK)
I thought that seeing a Black Cat inplied good luck. UK
Para: waited at her side – five foot gap. Lovely.
Fog's creeping down. A few paras earlier fog at twenty feet.
Bandless watch. (strapless. UK).
Son, what did I tell you? I found this confusing as I thought it was the old lady outside speaking.
The second voice isn't actually a voice – it's a bear-like sound.
Ah – now it IS a voice.
Struggled with para. 'Charles' to 'I couldn't understand.' (This is my problem because I am totally out of my reading environment).
Crouching to my level. (I find the scene hard to imagine due to the fact that his(Charles's) head is normally above ceiling height).
I don't know the implication of 8th Grade – Age?
I know kids who call their mums by strange names, usually Christian names. Okay by me.

Chapter 3.
We reached our front yard. (In the UK the yard is at the rear of the house).
(maybe: followed by; 'Come on Duma, hurry up, we're home.').
Grabbed my journal (is this a reference to his diary? If so, did he read or write in it?).
(Sorry – he's now writing).
I will not 'crit' on the teenage writing as it is his style.
Why is his mum under the bed? A bit uncomfortable I would have thought. Also, didn't he use the bed as a barricade?
Change of Font – why?
Teach is still....(should there be some kind of punctuation after Teach?).
At this point I gather from the food and currency detail, that the story is set in the US. If so you may not like my book as it gets into Drone Warfare.
Eaten in pieces. I know I said I wouldn't crit teen speak but maybe 'eaten by a crocodile.'
Clawing at one of the corners he liked to pee in and pretend it was his. (The corner or the pee? If pee then he did not need to pretend).
Maybe some alteration: 'Just as Katie walked in, Oz shoved a pie(pumpkin pie?) in the oven.'
There is a bad change of scene here. The action has moved from the living room to the kitchen. Also, it seems as if Jesse has a fly on the wall pov as we left him in the living room e.g
'I could tell...'
Only now certain that Katie originates from Bolivia.
Lots of countries, maybe parts of Europe and Asia.
A couch in the kitchen?
'I didn't care if Katie didn't want me to come in.' I thought all three were in the kitchen. Also two didn'ts.
Oz told Katie to go trick-treating alone. (Not too realistic. Child Protection etc. Bad role model for teenagers. But if that is how the fantasy is then....).
What's in the orange envelope? Good pull to the next Chapter.

So, Tony. My fingers are dropping off. I will continue later as I want to get at your feedback you left. Hope this is okay. The more varied perspectives/feedbacks we get the more useful they become – I think. I suppose it is a matter of managing them in some way.
All the best and thanks
Chris

My Friends are Dead People. By Tony Ortiz. 11/02/2012

Hi Tony, Thanks for your great review which I will respond to in a separate message.

A couple of generalities first. It is obvious that you are not in the UK (I am) so it wasn't until Chapter 3 that I switched from Australia to the US. With this in mind we both know that English speaking countries hold different grammatical sets of rules/vocabularies and have different cultural values. Personally, I do not find this a problem; I find the genre difficult. I'm sure that those who read this type of story will do so from a completely different perspective than mine. I note that you, as the writer have written in your style but that the teenagers have written in their style, educational ability and teen-speak. If that's how their thoughts and speech are then I will not comment – except if it really jars. The same goes for the 'fantasy' pieces e.g. If Charles can see outside as though there is no dividing wall; that is okay by me-assuming he possesses those powers.

I can't give you much as to the Pitches as my brain is not geared up to fantasy. However, I get the general drift of the story.

Chapter 1.
The Doctor. Are Vets referred to as Doctor in the US?
'treated my cat like he was possessed.' (cat or doctor?)
(maybe of interest. I have two cats and give them left-overs of cooked meat).
You have used the word WAS 17 times in the first five paras. Maybe do a word count for the whole story. You may find an improvement in your writing when setting out an alternative method. (I fall into the same trap, usually after a re-write).
Maybe 'wandering off to my own room.'
Nearly stumbled. (maybe omit nearly – instils uncertainty).
I liked the para: Duma was pure black....Typical teenage thoughts, fantasy within a fantasy.
'Playing with his private parts.' (or engaged in a bit of cat hygiene?)
Para; Jesse tomorrow morning...powerful. But why earlier statement: 'You need to train Duma?'
Para: 'Knowing'.. another good teenage insight.
Euthanise? (maybe put to sleep, kill). Bit of an adult word.
I like the children's interaction and am into this straight away.

Chapter 2.
Bulky rucksack? What else does it contain? Sleeping bag etc?
Have now reached the point where I wonder where the story is going to so I return to the pitch. Umm.
Smelled like a homeless person. Could get some bad feedback there. Some readers may not like the social connotations/associations. Maybe just smelled/smelt.
Catching a hold of. (maybe omit 'a.' UK)
I thought that seeing a Black Cat inplied good luck. UK
Para: waited at her side – five foot gap. Lovely.
Fog's creeping down. A few paras earlier fog at twenty feet.
Bandless watch. (strapless. UK).
Son, what did I tell you? I found this confusing as I thought it was the old lady outside speaking.
The second voice isn't actually a voice – it's a bear-like sound.
Ah – now it IS a voice.
Struggled with para. 'Charles' to 'I couldn't understand.' (This is my problem because I am totally out of my reading environment).
Crouching to my level. (I find the scene hard to imagine due to the fact that his(Charles's) head is normally above ceiling height).
I don't know the implication of 8th Grade – Age?
I know kids who call their mums by strange names, usually Christian names. Okay by me.

Chapter 3.
We reached our front yard. (In the UK the yard is at the rear of the house).
(maybe: followed by; 'Come on Duma, hurry up, we're home.').
Grabbed my journal (is this a reference to his diary? If so, did he read or write in it?).
(Sorry – he's now writing).
I will not 'crit' on the teenage writing as it is his style.
Why is his mum under the bed? A bit uncomfortable I would have thought. Also, didn't he use the bed as a barricade?
Change of Font – why?
Teach is still....(should there be some kind of punctuation after Teach?).
At this point I gather from the food and currency detail, that the story is set in the US. If so you may not like my book as it gets into Drone Warfare.
Eaten in pieces. I know I said I wouldn't crit teen speak but maybe 'eaten by a crocodile.'
Clawing at one of the corners he liked to pee in and pretend it was his. (The corner or the pee? If pee then he did not need to pretend).
Maybe some alteration: 'Just as Katie walked in, Oz shoved a pie(pumpkin pie?) in the oven.'
There is a bad change of scene here. The action has moved from the living room to the kitchen. Also, it seems as if Jesse has a fly on the wall pov as we left him in the living room e.g
'I could tell...'
Only now certain that Katie originates from Bolivia.
Lots of countries, maybe parts of Europe and Asia.
A couch in the kitchen?
'I didn't care if Katie didn't want me to come in.' I thought all three were in the kitchen. Also two didn'ts.
Oz told Katie to go trick-treating alone. (Not too realistic. Child Protection etc. Bad role model for teenagers. But if that is how the fantasy is then....).
What's in the orange envelope? Good pull to the next Chapter.

So, Tony. My fingers are dropping off. I will continue later as I want to get at your feedback you left. Hope this is okay. The more varied perspectives/feedbacks we get the more useful they become – I think. I suppose it is a matter of managing them in some way.
All the best and thanks
Chris

I've read 4 & 5 and I have to say I'm very confused. I loved the descriptions of the underground world. it was scary and magical at the same time. Yet, I have no idea what is going on. Why would Oz think that Jess' father made the world if they are in a Suqoia tree that takes hundreds of years to grow? You know? It was too fantastical for a human to make. And for it to be hundreds of feet down? How would he make something like that. Idk, I had a hard time believing it.

Also, what is going on in chapter 5. The hag was interesting and kind of funny, but all of the weird stuff that is going on just seems very random. Perhaps that is the point? I feel like I'm missing something, but maybe reading on will answer all my questions. I do have to say, I am still intrigued.

Who does Jess think his father is? Or did I miss that in the other chapters?

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

Tony,

As promised I've come to take a look.

First up I don't read a lot of children’s fiction--my kids are too old for it now--which means I'm no expert in the genre. However, I read a fair amount of it ten or more years ago when my kids were younger. And some things don't change. I guess, in children’s fiction I look for simple language, a story that moves along at a good pace, and that certain factor X that will intrigue kids (it can be silliness, yuckiness or just a great idea, but there has to be something to capture the imagination).

So I've looked at the first three chapters and it was an easy read, the language is pitched just about right, and there are few flat patches. I think Duma in particular, but also the cool mum Oz you have that X factor.

This one of the easiest reads I've had on Authonomy in a while and probably one of the best children’s works I recall.

The first chapter is great; the characterisation of Duma is fabulous (probably helps that I have two cats, but seriously a great character).

Perhaps my only issue with this chapter was the few paragraph of summary narrative at the end, which I didn't feel added much.

I have a few more issues with Chapter two:

--First the conversation between Oz and Jess in the early part of the chapter feels a little forced. There's an element of exposition disguised as dialogue here and I'm not sure you need it all.

--Also in the same passage I noticed a lot of use of names in dialogue. For me, this always feels unnatural.

--Then the action from the moment Jess meets the [scary] old woman (Do you need scary here? In adult fiction I'd recommend against it, even here I think you establish well in what follows and might not need the adjective) to the point he flees seemed a little confused to me or at least lacking in clarity.

--Finally, there are a lot of exclamation marks where Charles and his mother are first talking to/about Jess. Whilst children’s fiction can stand more of these than most other genre, I can't help thinking you might have overdone it here!

To be honest this whole chapter didn't flow as well, for me. I think my main issue was with the passage with the werewolves, where I never quite visualised the whole thing.

Chapter three, back to more mundane circumstance, worked better for me. This one is almost as good as the opener.

I did find the casual resolution of Duma's fate both too convenient and a little disappointing. You may need to tweak something in Chapter 1 (perhaps allow longer than a day to address the issue?). For me this a great hook in the first chapter and I'd like to see it played out for dramatic effect.

Three chapters in and it seems to me that you have great characters, good dialogue and a fast moving plot. There are elements to appeal to kids: all the things I'm looking for in this sort of work. Great language too: simple, but not bland or repetitive.

Yet, the fantasy part was where I paused a little. I feel this needs more live breathed into it so it leaps off the page.

I skimmed further ahead and had similar issues with the opening of chapter four (or three, as your first is labelled a prologue--not sure that really is, the action in Chapter one (tab 2) is pretty much continuous from it).

Then in the next chapter the fantasy became more real as the bat-like creature landed and joined in the action. (Not sure about the speech tag 'he ordered in a calm but menacing way' though). And I like the way Jess and Katie struggle with the appearance of the monster here.

So, all in all, this seems to me to have a lot of promise. For mine, the early fantasy sequences might need some work, but otherwise I'm a fan.

One last observation is that I don't feel your pitch does justice to the story.

Good luck with the HC Editors' Desk Review.

Sorry, I meant to get to this earlier in the week but life caught up. Well, I have to say I adore the Voice! I can see this being a big hit with YA.

I have some questions. The first is the jacket is very important, but it seems to fade out. I never learned where he thought he might have lost it. Second, was Duma reprieved? This was a tad nebulous. Third, I don't quite understand about how Katie got in the Halloween hole. Fouth, why did a picture of the attacker exist? How was this taken? Jesse would have been rather young to carry a camera. Lastly, is Katie really prenant, or was this just the pillow?

I love the cat. He is fantastic. This is a great story and I think it is going to go far. You might want to consider expanding the first few chapters a tad. I can see a complex plotline happening and am fascinated. This is going on my watchlist and is highly rated.

Sorry, I meant to get to this earlier in the week but life caught up. Well, I have to say I adore the Voice! I can see this being a big hit with YA.

I have some questions. The first is the jacket is very important, but it seems to fade out. I never learned where he thought he might have lost it. Second, was Duma reprieved? This was a tad nebulous. Third, I don't quite understand about how Katie got in the Halloween hole. Fouth, why did a picture of the attacker exist? How was this taken? Jesse would have been rather young to carry a camera. Lastly, is Katie really prenant, or was this just the pillow?

I love the cat. He is fantastic. This is a great story and I think it is going to go far. You might want to consider expanding the first few chapters a tad. I can see a complex plotline happening and am fascinated. This is going on my watchlist and is highly rated.

This rolls along so smoothly! The voice is just kid-perfect, and the writing put together so neatly!
Very impressive! Keep it up!
-Tod Schneider
The Lost Wink

This rolls along so smoothly! The voice is just kid-perfect, and the writing put together so neatly!
Very impressive! Keep it up!
-Tod Schneider
The Lost Wink

Hi there,

So I have read the first two chapters and have included my thoughts and suggestions below. These are only my opinions, so feel free to take or to ignore whatever you don't agree with.

The prologue moves along really well. The opening paragraph is hilarious. The description of the cat was great and I found myself instantly drawn into the story. From there, I don't have much else to comment on except that it's well-written, enjoyable, oh, and Jesse's voice is pitch perfect for the targeted age group.

Some things I found a little confusing in the Prologue:

“...and THE animal control...” I thought maybe you should delete 'the' because I kept expecting “guy” or “technician” or something to follow 'animal control'.

“What you doing here?” Is she speaking slang or is there an “are” missing?

RE Chapter 1:

“she asked WEIRDLY”. I think you could find a better way to describe how the woman spoke than by using that word. It really doesn't tell us anything about how she did it.

I also wondered how Charles could see that Jesse, who is outside, was wearing soccer shoes when he is inside the house?

“...yanked backwards into another dimension of swirling lights...” When I read that, I assumed he had actually crossed over into another dimension. But at the end of the chapter, when the old lady lets him leave, he just runs out the door and seems to be in our 'regular' dimension. Did I miss something?

My biggest issue with this chapter was the whole discussion at the house between the werewolf and the old lady. I was confused during the whole thing. There is too much unexplained jargon and name-dropping, not to mention the mention of some un-named, sadistic baddie. I found myself asking too many questions and then getting frustrated about not having the answers, or even the hint of an answer. I get that we're not supposed to understand it all now, but in all honesty, I just skimmed over that part. It's probably important, otherwise it wouldn't be there or take up that much of the chapter, but that's the honest truth. In other books I've read when cryptic passages are written, often there is just enough information given so that the reader can ask questions and then hypothesize about an answer. Here, I just found there was not enough, so that whatever question I asked, I ran into a wall, which left me frustrated. I wonder if there is a way to modify that section a little, without giving too much away, so that the reader can have a little more info to help make some sense of it?

I hope you find my comments helpful. The story itself is wonderful, and two chapters in, I am definitely curious about what in the world is going on! There are a lot of nice touches, too. I like that he has a nickname for his mom, and of course, the cat is psycho but that's why he's so great.

So, high stars from me. Good luck on your HC review!

Dyane
The Purple Morrow

Tony,

I've read the first three chapters and I love the story! Jesse's voice is perfect for a 13 year old boy. He's young, but also wants some freedom. I find his relationship with his mother interesting, but also a little disfunctional, which seems to be every parent-child relationship anyway. I love that he calls her Oz. That's very cute.

I have to say that I love Durma. My boyfriend's cat is a lot like that, minus biting children and pooping on cars. He likes to randomly stalk me through the house or pounce on my feet like they're a play toy. Then he'll get all puffed up and slowly walks around absolutely nothing, his tail as round as a baseball. He's crazy. His two sisters just stare at him like he's the black sheep. :)

I did have a hard time understanding the jacket thing. Where did he leave the jacket? Why did he think that going out at night was the best time to go get the jacket? And why are both Katie and Jesse home schooled??? That seemed a little random.

Overall, I'm hooked. I want to know what all the samhain, halloween, entering zone stuff means! I want to know why Charles the Werewolf wants Jesse and who he wants him to kill!! Great stuff.

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

Wow - this is such a great book! It needs seven stars! The first couple of chapters would be pretty close to flawless, I think. Reading them I think “I want to read this story to a child right now!” It has a great pace and energy, beautiful descriptions and its funny in the way that children like funny. Really, really gorgeous. Love the werewolf - he's very well drawn and captivating because he appears so sparingly.

- Very nice title for the prologue

- tangerine eyes – beautiful
- cat drinking coffee is lovely
- don’t know if you’ll get stolen medicine (even though it’s only aspirin) past the child censors
- His green eyes had the reflection of the moon in them - again lovely

A couple of things bother me slightly:
Chapter 2
I think she said that on purpose – what kind of Mum would do that – I don’t quite get this sentence.

Chapter 3 – I followed her into her freezing cold bedroom thick with a layer of fog. Needs something more here I think – surprise – some reaction from the boy that there is fog in her bedroom. In fact I think overall you could use reaction more, as a way to slow down and accentuate odd happenings.

There seem to be a lot of things happening in Chapter 3 all at once and I get confused when reading it. Maybe it needs to be broken down into two chapters or there needs to be more reaction from Jesse to slow the pace down – it seems to get a bit frantic and full of information for me.
Possibly needs:
- More explanation about how Katie got there (especially so quickly).
- There possibly needs to be more suspense, or some objection from Jesse before she chooses “trick”.


Chapter 4
When the old woman has advice about Katie it needs to stand out more - something like – Now listen to me Oz – you take Katie into your home – it would be very wise of you, do you understand? or there needs to be a more obvious reaction rather than just – do you know us? Something to make it stand out more.
I was happy to do what she told.(error)
I will have to investigate this later on. (? tense)

Congratulations Tony!! Well done and best of luck :-)
Looking forward to reading the review when it's posted.

Veronica Peace

Congratulations.

Congrats - well done :)

Howlingly good reading. Riveting opening! Hard to top what so many here have already said. If this is your first bash at storytelling, you were clearly born to it.

Was very impressed by the way you managed to tell so much of the story in dialogue but would like to see it balanced by narrative to give the mind a bit of respite. I am half way through a book which travels fairly similar territory and as it is my first into this age range and into fantasy I would love some serious advice when i put it on line in about a weeks time .

MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD PEOPLE
This is a clever story. Your main character is easy to like; imagine what being told your cat is going to be killed feels like? I also liked your writing style; you have an amusing touch that infuses scenes and kept me reading. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wannabeawriter. Who Killed the President?

Reads at the gallop, like being on the ghost train, quickfire dialogue sweeps you along. I found the lack of being somewhere a problem, presumably in America because of the obsession with trick and treat, and there the somewhere ends. I had no sense of place. I think a bit more atmospheric descriptionof locations would help flesh out this storey. I shall put it on my watch list though

Great flow of narrative. I think the idea of someone's cat being put to sleep should find a lot of sympathy among your target audience. Great way to start a story.

A
Claws of Darkness

Hi Tony, really enjoyed the first three chapters, loved the crazy old lady and I think the imagery of the werewolf walking in the lounge with his head dipped.is great..

Good luck with this one and I have backed you

N.T.Peacock

Hey Tony, I read more and really want this published so I can add it to my bookshelf at home. I love how different your characters are, it makes them easy to follow.

Laura

What is this drivel, and how, how, how, is it number one? Okay, kind of got through two chapters, what the heck.

Comments:
-First line: "Our visit to the vet this morning," should be "that morning".

-When the mom starts talking to her, you break from the conversation to describe her. I think it would be more effective to give the description first, then have the dialogue between them. Otherwise the reader is left waiting for the description to end so they can see what is said next.

-"...and he figured out a kite, which he loved to chew on and destroy, wouldn't fall..." kind of an awkward sentence, a bit run on. It might be better broken up. Like, "We took him to the local park where he made an important discovery. Kites, which he loved to chew on and destroy, wouldn't fall..." etc.

-Also, is this a true story? I ask because the time frame, the mom telling the boy that he has one day to fix Duma's behavior - is awful tight! Why not say that the neighbors were considering it if he didn't straighten up and fly right? And if its scheduled, isn't it a done deal?

Otherwise, a good opening. Emotional, tense, and a good set up for what I assume is an adventure to keep the beloved pet alive. And as a lifelong cat owner, I can totally relate.

I'm new to authonomy but your book's title intriqued me so I just had to read your book. So far, I've read the first two chapters and it is fun. I write for children as well--just uploaded one of my books (ESCAPE) which I think is "urban fantasy." I have a rather serious story line mixed with fantasy (main character "escapes" to a pirate ship in 1800's). Since I'm really looking for great writers to critique my book, I'm hoping to find some on authonomy. If you have any suggestions for this newbie to help me get feedback on my writing, I'd sure appreciate. Now, back to "My Friends are Dead People"......Georgia

I really loved this. I think I've already said the title is brilliant. This is a smart, pacy novel and I could see it fitting really well into the younger end of the YA market. I also love that you don't 'talk down' to your readers. The gore is gorey! Mostly, there's great detail here - everything from the dinosaur PJs to the shovel leaning against a withered root. Definitely on my shelf.
Sheila

this is a fantastic title. On my list to read and I hope to get back to you quickly.
Sheila

Neat...sounds like a Dean Koontz for the YA set. Your pitch is a good one--brings the reader in whether or not they know it ;). Good luck! Lynda Styles

Tony,

I've had your book on my watch list for I don't know how long, and now I see you're #1 -- guess I'd better get reading. First off, I love your title. The tone of it lets on right away that this is horror-comedy, a very appealing genre for the target age group. Jesse has a believable young-teen voice and attitude, quirky and individual yet also universal. Duma is one weird cat, so I'm thinking right away that maybe he's something else. That's a nice touch, and I love the details about the ways he wakes Jesse in the morning. You set up lots of different kinds of suspense in the early chapters: will Duma be put to sleep? Will Jesse find his mother's jacket? Will Charles succeed in taking Jesse of Himalaya? What's in the orange envelope? A nice mix of the domestic and the supernatural, and a lot to hold the reader's interest.

I'm not entirely convinced by the third-person scene from Katie's point of view. Prologue through chapter 2, it's the only scene not from Jesse's POV and the only one not in first person. Would it be possible for Jesse to be present and witness the scene, either openly or from a hiding place? Either that, or divide up narrative duties more evenly between Jesse and Katie, either in third-person or first-person. It's not unheard of to have both first-person and third-person narration in a book, but I think it's probably unusual and a little challenging to pull off in a book for younger readers. Better to stick with one or the other.

I noted a handful of edits for correction:

Prologue:
. . . shot in-between my legs . . . the hyphen is not needed. I advise cutting the "in" as well.

Ch 1
just incase needs a space: just in case

a dozen of jack-o-lanterns "of" is not needed

Avoid passive constructions whenever possible: nothing unusual was heard until . . . could be I heard nothing unusual until . . . The old mother's voice was heard . . . could be I heard the old mother's voice . . .

No ones in the room should be No one's in the room

Tears welled up in her eyes. Can Jesse actually see this detail? He's outside, watching through a window and across the room into what was described as a darkened kitchen. He might hear a change in her voice and assume she's in tears.

Nice work, and good luck with this!
Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

Disney made a move called Halloween Town where the monsters lived in their own alternate universe. After it became a hit, they made several more. Halloween was the only time one could travel between the two worlds. There was never a book, which I prefer over watching a movie. I think my grandkids might like this.

Reading your book, or at least starting today. Congrats on reaching the top, will comment later
Linda J Galvin.
SQUEEZED

Hi Tony darling, congratulations for getting the top spot! I think this story is deserving. It's fun and draws you right in. I'm sure a lot of young readers would love this.

My only critique is that personally, I think Jesse comes off as younger than thirteen. Maybe that's because my novel also has a thirteen year old protagonist, with a much more jaded point of view. I see Jesse closer to 11 or 12.

I'd be honored if you checked out The Emblem of Eternity. It's a young adult novel inspired by the murder of Larry Fobes King, who was shot in the head after asking a boy in his class to be his Valentine.

Backed for sure. Good luck!

-Raziel

Chapter 8-

I like the detail about walking into the house. I’m able to picture this better now. Reminds me of my Grandma’s old house. ☺

Second guess, Jess is Jack’s son... Just thinking out loud here....

For the record, the inside of the house does not remind me of my Grandma’s house. BUT nice imagery that we were missing before.

Ha! I like how Katie pushes Jess when he asks about the pictures of the dead people. There’s a big sister, little brother type vibe I get from that. I like it.

I like that you are giving more description of the welgos. I’m better with the idea of them being there now. When you say molded to their hands, legs, etc., does the welgo skin actually wrap around them? Or is it more like lying on a pillow or cushion??

Oh...just keep reading. There it is “the skin wrapped around” so it did cover the hands and legs. Maybe use this imagery first?

Did you already explain tortics? Maybe it would be good to go over it again? Just a thought...

In general a lot better. I feel comfortable moving on to Chapter 9(tomorrow). A few brief things, just so I’m clear...They are going on the Welgo’s to go to Lin’s house. But I’m still unsure why they are going to Lin’s and do they know that it is in this Halloween World? I’d like to see a little more reaction from Jess and Katie. They just kinda accept what is happening. Much better though, your thoughts are articulate and the story is smoother.

Tony:
Just sending you my best wishes now that you are at the top of the list. I'm proud of you and your book. It was the first book I backed here on this site, so I'm pretty happy for your success. I'm hoping you get a contract. Never forget: persistence, patience, and promotion. Well done, my friend.

I'm really enjoying this. I like the main character and the family dynamic. The writing about the cat, Duma, makes for some good laughs throughout. The first sequence in the scary house is done well and the far away land hinted at is tempting me to read on. I do really like how this is going.
I agree with some others that is seems like YA genre, if only because of the high dialogue content, quirky family, and mystery to be solved, elements.
I am glad you have made the desk, and I wish I'd discovered this book earlier. Congrats and good luck. x

Hey there Tony,

Finally got around to reading a couple of chapters and what can I say, it has me hook hooked. I love the crazy cat Duma. I will be back to read more asap.

Perfect Halloween read.

Laura
(The Waves Series)

Perfect time of year to read this. Good luck.

Finally getting around to returning reads. Critiquing as I go:

I'm totally a cat person, so this amuses me greatly. Not sure why people would call the vet to complain though, and not animal control. Or why the vet would be the ones to handle this, scheduling to put him to sleep on their own when there's nothing medically wrong with him, and NOT animal control.

Words could be cut here and there, sometimes entire sentences, to tighten the writing a bit. Kids ramble, like when he's daydreaming about what Duma could be mixed with, but an example in "Duma jumped up easily. It was harder for me. I had to focus on each individual box." The third sentence can be scratched. We get that he had trouble climbing from the second sentence.



Also, are there boxes or crates beneath her window? "Wooden" makes me think crates. I'd buy a girl being able to stack a bunch of boxes by herself, from -inside- her bedroom, but crates? On the flip side, I'd buy a boy being able to climb a stack of crates and it hold his weight, but empty boxes?

In the paragraph that starts "Katie was right:", I'd suggest breaking it into two paragraphs. The sentence "We took him to a local park" is an actual action and not him thinking of things that have happened in the past. It's easy to confuse the two when writing or reading in first person. Just start a new paragraph and it solves the problem.

There's a tense complication with "As this stressful day wore on". Reads present tense when it's past tense. Just swap This with That or better yet The and it fixes it.

What's going on in the first chapter is fun. Duma is a riot and watching folks run from him while Jesse tries to deal with him is a hoot, but I have no sense of what the book is about. Granted, I haven't read a MG piece in a very long time, so I'm not sure any comment on much aside from basic structure would be useful from me.

Hope this lil bit helps. ^_^

Good fun. I liked the cat.

Is there any need for the use of a comma before 'but' and 'and'?

An interesting opening that should tantalize those who enjoy this genre. There are punctuation issues that need to be fixed but otherwise very promising...good luck to you!
Best wishes
Stewart
Lord Randle's Wee/Willy

Three cheers for Tony J. Ortiz !

Jesse and Duma's antics were simply hilarious and had me falling off from my chair. Your book's been 6-starred and placed on my shelf. Sorry, I should've done that earlier, but I was a little busy fine tuning my own MS. Now that it's ready, would you mind shelving it for a while? My ranking's kind of stuck at the same place. Could really use some help, buddy.

Thanking you in anticipation,
AGC.

This is the first book I have read on Authonomy and I loved it. I like your central character, Jesse and I love Katie. It is a complete coincidence that I read it around Halloween...wonderfully topical.

This would appeal particularly to younger teenage boys but I could see it easily reaching a wider audience.

MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD PEOPLE / Tony Ortiz

This is a well-polished example of high quality Children's Lit Fic / Fantasy. There is a smooth easy flow in this plot, accented by good characterizations and clever, efficient writing.

The first person POV works nicely here in a light narrative that is balanced well, not overdone, allowing the interaction / dialogue between characters to drive the story along smoothly. Bring your imagination when you read this should you like it to be stimulated.

I think youngsters will like this story, I notice many of the thirty and forty something year old ones seem to like it, based on the backers. I know this fifty-something year old youngster liked it!

Way to go, Tony. Certainly easy to see why this story has made such an impression on the folks here on Authonomy. Have to give this one 6 stars myself as I feel this is publishable material.

E M Delaney

Hey Tony
Not sure about the plus signs when Katie is singing at the end of chapter three here. Maybe it should just be italicized, but like I said, I'm not sure. I loved it! Didn't notice any mistakes. Dialogue is in interesting and believable. Characters are developing nicely. Pace is still good. I love the sense of adventure and hint of mystery. I can't wait to find out what's inside the envelope! :) Great job. I'm going to read more, but unless I have something useful/constructive to say, I won't say anything :) Hope you're having a good day.

God bless,
Trista

The narrative is pacy and very readable although erratic punctuation tends to be a distraction. A little tidying up here and there would really help...good luck!
Stewart

Hello Tony:

I think you do a good job of connecting quickly with your young readers. You create a mischievous but very likeable character in Duma and the story moves along at a good pace with a language level that is very accessible.

Good creative concept for a storyline.

Best of success in finding publication.

James