Sinful

SINFUL
This is an unusual YA novel because I found the main character a little hard to like: she comes from a filthy rich family, drives a Ferrari at 200 miles an hour (hard to relate to that), calls her fellow students Neanderthals, and is obsessed because she can’t remember anything about her life before 8 years old (most people can only remember back to four, so she’s only missing 4 years). Your writing style is good; you include a lot of chatty dialogue, but I wonder if your average YA reader will be able to relate to Alexis. Either way, the fantasy world you’ve created is good. Certainly a new look at heaven, I’ve added this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Dear Brittanee,

The pitch is well written. Lost memories, dark secrets, paranormal creatures and vengeful angels – ‘Sinful’ promises to be a sinister and intriguing story. You’ve laid out just enough of the plot to incite the reader’s curiosity.

The prologue is good. Although not wholly understood, it did convey a strong air of danger and doom. It’s a piece of action from somewhere much later in the narrative and gives the reader a very good idea of what’s to come. Clever hook.

The opening sequence in ‘Convocation’ is very visual and fast paced where you’ve also managed to develop plot quickly and efficiently. The extent of back-story provided is just right. There are some very interesting physical descriptions: Violet eyes, red flecks, pale skin, cold skin, ageless looks – all subtle hints at something less than living and more than human. Well done.

Overall, the writing is quite lucid and the voice is very strong.
My untrained eyes could spot no major errors except for a few oversights, viz. in Convocation:

# Para 5 line 3 – I think it should be ‘allusions’ instead of ‘illusions’.
# Para 5 line 2, from the bottom – ‘her parents’ instead of ‘my parents’.
# Para / line 8 – either ‘fervently’ or ‘feverishly’
# Leave out ‘too much’, ‘more ammunition’ is just fine
# While describing Jonathan, leave out the word ‘dark’ since you’re telling us later that he has a pale complexion

The banter between Chanel and Lauren may have been a bit stretched. I found my mind wandering at times. The rest of the chapter went fine, and the ending was good. I can see this as being a hit with younger readers. Best of luck with it.

* * * * *

Best regards,
AGC

Hi

After reading the first chapter I realised I have already commented on your story. Still a gripping story. All the best with this. You are still on my shelf.

Olga

You are a gifted writer. The dialog flows well and the descriptions are great, especially the way you describe the characters and their reactions. The mystery of the story is handled well, as is the romantic connection when she meets Derek.

The prologue doesn't work for me. It contains no real characters or setting. It doesn't have a hook for the story. Chapter 1 is a more effective opening.

When you say 200 miles in the opening line, you should specify whether you mean miles or KM.

What do you mean when you compare arriving at her graduation to her “demise?”

Does she have photos of videos of her with her parents before she was eight? If not, that would be weird.

I don’t think “proceedings” is the right word to describe the party in the club. That makes it sound very formal.

This is a promising novel so I will back it. You are very close so keep plugging away to perfect it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Hi Brittannee,

I really enjoyed reading Sinful, it's exactly the kind of book I would buy. The Angel/Fallen Angel/demon concept is a hot topic right now in YA novels but I'm glad to see that you've managed to put a twist on it by making you MC a hybrid. Very clever.

So far I've read up to chapter 10 and I'm very impressed. You writing is beautifully descriptive, particularly when you mention what the angel's look like. The tension you create when Caleb arrives to meet Lexi is brilliant and had me wanting to read on. Drawing out the mystery about who and what she is kept me hooked.

I have to say, your prologue was excellent. A very gripping start to the story. I also loved Twilight feel it had with the (what I assume is going to be) forbidden love. Your sprinkling of reality in chapters 1, 2 and 3 were a good move as it helped flesh out your characters.

Good luck with this it's an excellent story. I'll definitely read more soon :)

Yasmin
- Guileless

Hi

This is a gripping story. Well rounded interesting characters. My only negative is that her parents are described as attractive people. I would think that a child/teenager would only thing of their parents in terms of old fashioned or working too much, etc. Otherwise all good.
Backed. Thanks for commenting on my story. I hope you have time to back mine as you said.
Cheers Olga.

*This is a follow up comment, left in my messages, to one of those below*

"Ah. That makes more sense then. It kind of left me hanging. If I may make a suggestion (the advice of which I take myself), if this it the first in a trilogy, state that in your opening blurb (sorry, the exact word is escaping me at the moment) where you tell about the story some. State that this is book one in the such and such trilogy. People will be much less disappointed in the ending if they realize that this is only book one. For instance, my own book ends a bit dismally, but my readers aren't upset because they know this is just one of five books and anything can happen in the course of the saga. So yes, it definitely kept me hooked until the end and since it's not my usual read, congrats on keeping me pulled in. :) Too bad about Caleb. I really, really liked him. :D"

Not my usual genre but this seems to take an interesting and different angle.
The writing is clear and confident and flows very comfortably.
I'm sure this will do well.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! I read the entire book and couldn't put it down. The author kept you guessing and wanting more clues without giving away everything at once. Lots of adventure, excitement and clean romance. Very well written especially for the targeted audience...the perfect 90210 and Twilight blend. It depicts real life as young adults (with a twist) experience life and relationships while making a lot of mistakes and not always learning important lessons. Looking forward to the next book in this series.

I read the whole thing and found I was very disappointed with the ending. It seems like she's learned nothing and I find the whole idea that angels can choose to sin ridiculous. Sorry. I thought this might turn into a neat story where she falls for the right guy and maybe he becomes human so they can be together, but this just didn't turn out how I expected. The ending kind of fell flat. So, I kept it up while reading, but sadly, since it's not a book I would buy, this is coming off my bookshelf. I wish you all the best as you pursue publishing.

Brittanee,


So far this seems like a really interesting read! Ive read through chapter 3 and am intrigued by the story and the characters. There is something kind of strange about her family (pardon the reference, but almost Cullen Family like). Everyone is too perfect and too put together. Obviously, there is something super natural going on here!

I love the deep connection you describe between Derek and Lexi. I could feel it through the vivid language you used. My only critique is that I felt like Lexi accepted her brother's and her friend's reactions and reasons a little to easily. Why not put up more of a fight? But perhaps that is for the next day or the next chapter.

You have a couple of typoes and jumbled senctences throughout chapter two, but besides that, the prose is good.

Look forward to reading more.

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

One more comment if I may before I forget. At one point Derek has both an expression of contentment and worry. These are polar opposite emotions and if you're content you can't be worried and if you're worried you can't be content. You might want to look into what you really want him to feel and then describe it.

Well, I'm hooked. I'm glad you clarify in your blurb that this is not about vampires, but angels, because with the gold eyes with red and pale skin this definitely reminds me of the Cullen clan. Very curious to find out why Lexi has amnesia though. A couple suggestions I would make is to look over your punctation carefully and you might want to chop your chapters. They are a bit long. I would suggest you can chop this into two: between the graduation, dressing up etc and the night club. This is a natural break that would make your chapters a little easier to read. Going to read chapter 3 soon. Good book! i love that it's based in B.C. As you can see by my book, that is one of my favourite places.

Have to say this is not the type of thing I normally read but I can see that you have great style and a natural knack for writing
good luck!

Intense prologue. It really does a good job of building anticipation and worry for the reader along with this longing to figure out why it is as it is. Great start. "I screamed with exultation as the car spun around the corner at nearly two hundred miles." Maybe add per mile at the end and I am not sure if exultation is a god word for the beginning, it just feels a bit too after your prologue. You have an intriguing world being created, and the dialogue you have feels realistic. It is a good way to put the reader into your story. Your voice comes off the page and the pacing is great. I would note when describing your characters try to be specific more then vague. "but his seemed darker in a way." If you were more specific it would really add the intense writing you have going throughout. Great idea. Highly rated. I wish you the best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

Sinful- Like the prologue really catches reader's attention. Good young adult story. Very Twilightish-Derek very old, fast, doesn't need to sleep, mind reading, has to leave her to keep her safe, hunting animal to drink their blood. Unfortunately the love at first sight scenarios reduce development and depth in the relationships of the MC's. For example it doesn't make sense that Alexis falls in love with Caleb at all- it is just too quick. I liked the twist toward the end although this doesn't seem like the end- are you going to have a sequel?

Some minor editorial issues: Chapter 2- "I was still fuming from my conversation with my day (dad?) and I knew a movie was just not going to cut it." Chapter 4- "I slinked down the stairs and hit (hid?) near the banister, fearful to be caught eavesdropping." Chapter 5- "His shoulders were pint (pent?) up and brooding..." Chapter 11- "...but the blood of hybrids is tainted by immortals so the sent (scent?) is unappealing." Chapter 17- Derek uses his cell phone in the tunnel- they have cell phone service underground? Chapter 19- "Is this the same room, " Ichuckled (spacing) breathlessly." Chapter 20- "...I keyed in the security code on thesecurity (spacing) pad..." Chapter 22- "...angels whom I thought arrived to help distinguish (extinguish?)..."

Hope this is helpful. Best wishes. Desi.

What a great read!
I haven't been "bitten" by the vampire genre , yet, this book gripped me. I wanted to keep reading to find out what was going to happen next. This was more than just a beat-em up, bite-em story. It had an interesting story line and theme of transformation, good vs evil and it sets us up for a sequel...........I hope.

You demonstrate an excellent control of language as far as dialogue, punctuation, grammar, and editing. Your scenes are wrapped in an envelope of suspense that continues to draw the reader into a web of mystery.

You have an attention grabbing Prologue, especially the first sentence of the first paragraph, where it counts the most.

Nice touch of submerged conflict between the parents and Alexis.

Really great the way you use dialogue to develop the different personalities involved.

I spotted a couple of corrections that you may want to make, but as a credit to your writing, there wasn’t much in the way of punctuation errors.

It was amazing the sort of things she could (get) people to do for her.

“And why is that(?)” I asked.

You are taking a certain amount of liberties with Derek being in a similar age range as Alexis and being able to offer such insights into the years before age eight that she cannot remember. These types of memories might be more realistic coming from an older adult, however, it is not usual for us as writers to take some liberties in order to advance the plot, and I can’t help but wonder if Derek’s ability to give so much information when they first met comes with a paranormal ability angle.

Good move of incorporating body language…the tightening of her eyes when she was nervous.

The overhanging secret about Derek in Chapter Three helps propel the reader forward at a graceful pace. It puts a lot of tension in the air between the characters.

Even thought this is not a genre I would normally read, the way you handled the plot, the characters, and the suspense earns a place on my shelf. If my daughter was still at home, I would buy this for her. Five stars and my WL.

Jsault2003, author of Battle against the Beast
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38506/battle-against-the-beast/read-book/#chapter

Hello Brittanee,
Thanks for the comments. Like you said, there is more to my story than I typed in the first 50 pages. Sorry for taking so long to respond. Your chapters are long but I read the first three. I thought it was well written and you have a good way with words. You might want to try the authonomy book 'The Way Things Are' which also mentions angels and also very interesting.
Mark

Well-written story. It keeps you on your toes and wanting to know more what is happening in Alexis' past and who is the mysterious Derek. It springs beyond a typical romance story and bridges into the paranormal world of angels and demons - always a tricky thing to write about. You do it very well.
All the best
Kirk

I loved this story. It's full of emotion, drama and entrigue.
I love anything paranormal and this is filled with mystery.
Couldn't stop reading it. Hooked from the prologue, which was exciting, hinting at what may come.
I wish you the best of luck with this.
It's exactly right for the market you've chosen.
Best wishes,Orma.

Dear Brittanee,

Your writing is impeccable. I don't see any major issues jumping out at me at all. Nothing. It's beautiful. I read through the first two chapters and I found it a lot of fun. I loved how her friend knew Derek. So now I am wondering if her friend has been some sort of guardian all of this time, did she know what happened to cause the memory loss? It sets the reader up wonderfully for the next chapter and prompts you to keep reading. I think the second chapter is a bit long, but it reads so well you wouldn't really notice it. And it keeps your attention. Big stars!

Rebecca
~Askival
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38264/askival/
Over eleven thousand teens vanish in one day. This is the story of where they went.

I enjoyed this. One comment is that in chapter one, I wanted to know who 'she' and 'he' were. 'she stalked him..' 'the pain in his eyes...' powerful stuff, but would be so much more alive for me if I had some vague idea of who/what they are.

Some good writing though, and I love the idea as laid out in the pitches. Read two chapters only so will read more and comment further then.
Cariad.

I read authonomy chapter 1 a few days ago and tonight I re-read it as I wanted to enjoy your writing once more. The first sentence of your book is mind-boggling! I’d buy Sinful after reading this sentence only. And the further, the more mysterious and intoxicating the first chapter is. To me it looks more like a prologue. Well, I definitely love it!
I love the way you start the chapter ‘Convocation’ :) Your know perfectly well how to grab your reader’s attention. This is extremely well done! Alexis’ amnesia piques my interest. The ‘Neanderthals’ made me laugh a lot! :) I love the dialogues – they are lively and enjoyable to read. You are especially great at describing your characters. Derek is nicely done. On the whole, this is an awesome start for an YA book! Way to go! All stars for you :)

Ivan Amberlake

On chapter 20, i'll finish the rest tonight. I love your writing. it's amazing and makes me think. (:

I read your first two chapters. Quick pace, love the length of the first chapter, nice hooks, and a genre that seems to be "hot" right now. Are you planning a sequel to this? The idea seems to be perfect to create a series. Interesting dialogue and your descriptions were really beautiful. I like the name Cedric for a character, don't know why but it made me smile when I read it. Good luck with this and happy writing!

Best,

Ashley

Sinful

Short Pitch: Good – gets straight to the point and tells the reader exactly what to expect.

Long Pitch: This is basically fine, though it could be tightened up. For example why say ‘eight years old’ when you could just say ‘eight’. Also the phrase ‘live amongst her’ actually doesn’t make sense does it? She lives amongst them surely?

In this first (prologue?) section I was a little confused. Your first sentence subject is ‘Death’ but you then say ‘his eyes’ – meaning somebody else – and then go on in the next paragraph with ‘Her’. I understood it by the end of the section but I don’t think it is wise to confuse a reader so early by what are, probably, unintended pieces of linguistic confusion.

Your writing in the main text seems fine to me. The pace was fairly well sustained, especially where the dialogue kicks in. Here and there I felt it was a bit off – where you had to dump back story memories and details. Mostly that was fine but I felt you could further tweak those sections. There were one or two run on sentences that caught my eye and a couple of odd word choices (exponential) but basically very readable. One thing: in the very first paragraph I don’t think you need the elaborate stuff about the wind - she’s driving at 200 mph? No? She’s covered 200 miles? Either way her hat cap blew off, no need for an extra wind.

A good story well underway.

I already commented today but I was just reading more and I still love it. Maybe even more (: You're really good at describing the mood and her feelings. This is one of the most amazing books I have ever read and it should seriously be published (:

Hi Brittanee,
I stumbled across your book while taking a look at another. I'm not a huge YA fan, but I am a fantasy/sci-fi fan, so I find books like these difficult to resist :)

I read the first two chapters and my favorite part so far is the prologue. It's attractive and definitely speaks to the audience you write for.

To me, the structure of your dialogue is the weakest part of the book. Call me old school, but I'm a huge fan of the 'he said/she said' method...otherwise it becomes very distracting.

The dialogue itself is good; I love the sprinkled humor.

Will def come back to read more :) I'm a new writer myself and have tons to learn -- I would love if you offered any insights/critiques on my book, The Causter.

Good luck, your story has plenty of potential. Starred high and WL...will find room on my shelf soon enough.

Blessings!
Jacki

Wow, your writing is incredible and flawless, I'm jealous :) You use very vivid descriptions making it really easy for the reader to visualize what's going on. Your writing at the beggining has a different feel (sort of like a poetic feel). At first I thought I wouldn't be able to comprehend it as well as i wanted to but then came the dialogue and I was hooked. There's definitely some humorous moments like when Alexis is driving to her graduation trying to make it on time and her cap flies off. I love how she reacts. Your characters are very believable. I don't like that Derek guy though for some reason...creepy. Anyways I enjoyed the read! Good luck!

Dear Brittanee,

I know it's a habit of the writers of paranormal romances, but something you should remove from your repertoire is the use of descriptive dialogue tags. If your dialogue is well written, it shouldn't need the editorial comment of the narrator.

For example:

"Did you enjoy the ceremony?" she asked, trying to take the heat off of me.

It is perfectly obvious to me that her interruption is to take the heat off her friend. (not "off of") You don't need to tell us over again. You use this technique a lot, and it is very distracting.

Another example:

"Sorry I'm late," Lauren defended herself.

I really like your prologue. It gets the action going. The graduation chapter is a bit of a letdown, because the conflict is pretty tame and everyday, and the chapter seems very long.

You also have an error in your pitch. A "sea of paranormal creatures" can't "live amongst" one person. She lives amongst them.

I'm supporting your novel because I think it has promise, and will do well in your genre. However, it does need a lot of editing.

Good luck with it,

Gordon Long.

"Sarasha the Lame"

LOVE IT! Especially "I had no interest in the Neanderthals that made up my class." (:
It's really good and i don't see anything you should change about it.
Best,
Sara

Hi Phil, Thanks for your comments and support for Sinful!

I have not had this work edited by a third party or peer reviewed, so I appreciate your honesty and welcome the same from others.

Thanks again, Brittanee

PS. Chapter 1 is actually meant to be a prologue, which is why it is rather vague. But, I will go over it to clearly point out the characters to which it refers.

Hi Brittanee,

I’m finally getting a chance to check out your novel. Below are my findings. They are, of course, my humblest opinions.

Nice short pitch. Strong, active verb, clear enough without telling us too much.

In the long pitch, “Alexis” in the second sentence can be changed to “she.”

“gain some control” delete “some”

“Caleb reveals” Nothing should be revealed in the pitch. That’s for us to find out in the story. This is a hook, not a synopsis.

Shed the excess back story.

Chapter 1
I love that there are “other avenues available” other than heaven or hell. Might be interesting to name some of them.

There are a bunch of he’s and she’s, but it isn’t clear who he and she is.

“Her tense form swayed with such peace and grace…” This contradicts itself. If the form is tense, how can it sway with peace and grace? Those imply the opposite.

Maybe do a word find for “had” and “that.” There seems to be a lot of those.

I’m intrigued by this chapter, but it’s a bit confusing. I don’t know who the antagonist and there seems to be some missed opportunities for imagery.

Chapter 2

“I could barely even hear” delete “even”

Hmmmm, so the wind gusts across the leather seats, but this is an odd imagery because nobody could see the wind gusting across the seats. They don’t move. Maybe, “I felt the wind blow against my face as it threw my graduation cap off my head.”

Are you a B.C.er? I live in Washington state.

The sentence “Just graduation day jitters…” is awkward. Not that part. The later part.

I love the story, though I think there are some missed opportunities for imagery at times, especially in the transitions between dialogue. Sometimes the best communication in a novel are in the descriptions of the characters, not necessarily just in the dialogue itself. How is the receiver of info reacting? What is the person who’s talking doing as he/she talks?

Great stuff! You really have a feel for the YA audience. Great voice and good story.

Best of luck with this! High stars and I’ll be sending YA readers towards it as I run into them.

All the best,

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi Brittanee,

I’m finally getting a chance to check out your novel. Below are my findings. They are, of course, my humblest opinions.

Nice short pitch. Strong, active verb, clear enough without telling us too much.

In the long pitch, “Alexis” in the second sentence can be changed to “she.”

“gain some control” delete “some”

“Caleb reveals” Nothing should be revealed in the pitch. That’s for us to find out in the story. This is a hook, not a synopsis.

Shed the excess back story.

Chapter 1
I love that there are “other avenues available” other than heaven or hell. Might be interesting to name some of them.

There are a bunch of he’s and she’s, but it isn’t clear who he and she is.

“Her tense form swayed with such peace and grace…” This contradicts itself. If the form is tense, how can it sway with peace and grace? Those imply the opposite.

Maybe do a word find for “had” and “that.” There seems to be a lot of those.

I’m intrigued by this chapter, but it’s a bit confusing. I don’t know who the antagonist and there seems to be some missed opportunities for imagery.

Chapter 2

“I could barely even hear” delete “even”

Hmmmm, so the wind gusts across the leather seats, but this is an odd imagery because nobody could see the wind gusting across the seats. They don’t move. Maybe, “I felt the wind blow against my face as it threw my graduation cap off my head.”

Are you a B.C.er? I live in Washington state.

The sentence “Just graduation day jitters…” is awkward. Not that part. The later part.

I love the story, though I think there are some missed opportunities for imagery at times, especially in the transitions between dialogue. Sometimes the best communication in a novel are in the descriptions of the characters, not necessarily just in the dialogue itself. How is the receiver of info reacting? What is the person who’s talking doing as he/she talks?

Great stuff! You really have a feel for the YA audience. Great voice and good story.

Best of luck with this! High stars and I’ll be sending YA readers towards it as I run into them.

All the best,

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hey Carson, thanks for the comments.

I was on the fence about the four year old benchmark. I can remember basically everything when I was that age, but perhaps that's just me. Thanks again!

The concept is fascinating. I hope you're contacting agents and the line because angels are big in the teen paranormal genre right now. Strike while it's hot. I noticed a few typos. So, the entire thing could use a polish. One thing I might suggest is to change the four year old thing if possible. I really can't remember anything before I was four and I'm not too worked up about it. Maybe make it a little later in life when that sort of block might be more unnatural. Over all, well written and has a lot of potential. I'd read it.

The concept is fascinating. I hope you're contacting agents and the line because angels are big in the teen paranormal genre right now. Strike while it's hot. I noticed a few typos. So, the entire thing could use a polish. One thing I might suggest is to change the four year old thing if possible. I really can't remember anything before I was four and I'm not too worked up about it. Maybe make it a little later in life when that sort of block might be more unnatural. Over all, well written and has a lot of potential. I'd read it.

Thank you for your initial comments and I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.

Best of Luck with Burning Angel on the ED!

Brittanee
-Sinful

Well this is simply fantastic!
Your writing is effortless to read and highly enjoyable. The first chapter was a great hook and pulled me into the story, I need to know more. Due to lack of time I haven't been able to read as much as I would like. So for now I will keep you on my WL and come back for more.

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

Well this is simply fantastic!
Your writing is effortless to read and highly enjoyable. The first chapter was a great hook and pulled me into the story, I need to know more. Due to lack of time I haven't been able to read as much as I would like. So for now I will keep you on my WL and come back for more.

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

Absolutely astounding book! It had me hooked from the first page! I would buy this book in a heartbeat.

This is an amazing book - normally fantasy is not my genre but the bird on the cover (love birds) caught my eye and I decided to take a look - as an older adult I found this so well written and intriguing - I am sure my young adults kids would devour this! Great work and a book I would buy because I had a tough time putting it down.

liz
The Cheech room