A Priest's Tale

I have come back to make another comment as the more I read of A Priest's Tale the more I like it. There are some great books here which I would definitely take out from the library if published but this one I would buy!

Lindsay, I've read the first three chapters. You spin a good yarn: lots of action, a strong character in the priest. You're also doing a good job of withholding information, or rather, releasing it in small doses to keep up the suspense. I'm backing the book and, as I have time, I'll read some more.

Congratulations!

Mark

I don't like fantasy stories generally but this is wonderfull poetic, down to earth yet uplighting at the same time. Pride of place on my selective bookshelf!

Best of luck

Rob

Lindsay,
I am so happy that I stumbled across your wonderful book! I am always happy to find someone who like to read and write the same things that I do. I absolutely love your work. You have great control of your voice which results in clear and crisp writing. This reminded me of Stephen Lawhead's Songs of Albion Trilogy meets Mists of Avalon meets Harry Potter :)
The hooks at the end of your chapters are great and kept me reading all the way through the third chapter. There are some grammatical issues and some sentences that need to be tightened, but like you said, the never-ending editing process must carry on :) The names are also a little difficult to get into, but that comes with the Gaelic language I suppose.
Wonderful job. I am backing your book and I look forward to reading more!
Frith,
Kayla Shaw
Philosophia

A PRIEST’S TALE
I know a lot of people don’t like prologues but I think it works well in this story: lends a sense of mystery as to who this scarred princess could be. I had a little trouble trying to decide if Saahni was the princess or she was someone else. Maybe you could use the Princess’s name to make that clearer? I love the way people ignore the fact the bell has smashed down into the temple; especially when it serves as a warning for the village that enemies are coming. You have a great character in Saahni; she’s certainly feisty; makes her a strong character. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Chapter 2 detailed notes:

I’d say ‘With Ladlastide fast approaching, I was still alone.’ → eliminates double ‘was’ in the sentence. Also “For a whole month after the bell had fallen, I had been the only soul to set foot in the temple.” → not sure about ‘bell fell’ so reworded, thoughts?

I’d say “It was a little slumped now, as the rains of a wet spring had softened the timber planks beneath.” → merges two sentences and eliminates some of the repetition of ‘floor’ and ‘bell’. Because of previous sentence we know you are referring to bell by ‘it’. Also, timber planks can replace floor, I think? : )

I’d say “But, as I sat on my own among the statues, chewing my lip, I feared this Ladlas would be a sorry affair. I began to worry these wooden companions…” → not sure if ‘sat on my own’ works, and thought ‘began’ instead of ‘was beginning.’?

{A Priest’s Tale} – Lindsay Llewellyn
Chapter 2:

I like how we begin in this chapter, deep in thought and prayer. You do a good job of constructing your world and giving background detail through the mind of your protagonist, also in such a way that the reader becomes emotionally attached to her.

The scene with the lunatic was well done and created some good tension to follow from that clanging, clashing previous chapter when the bell fell :)

I like the mystery that you’re bringing, and the direction that this story is going with the priest off on her journey. I loved that second last line – about wishing to hold on to her mother’s womb a little longer. Great image!

Overall great stuff. I'll just post some detailed notes I made now, but Authonomy is giving me error screens, so I'll make this comment shorter and hopefully it will work ;)

Cara

A Priest’s Tale.
By Lindsay Llewellyn.

A powerful start to your book as the bell rope breaks, the huge bell falls bringing down the tower with it. You’ve created a good scene here for the reader in the first few pages describing in detail the devastation caused.
I felt the thick choking dust clogging the airways as the priest tries to move the bell to no avail.
Your m/c has a strong character and comes over very well. Quite a temper when she needs to bring it out and well capable of giving back what she takes and more.
I started to read this book some time ago but got distracted at the time.
I find it to be a satisfying read with excellent description and dialogue, a priest’s life is never easy, I’ve learned that much.
Well done, Lindsay! Many stars!!

Best wishes,

Neville.

Chapter 1

Very well-written. You have a fantastic knack for conjuring fantastic phrases and combinations of words, such as "loneliness to facelessness", "concocted the myth of her curse", "litany of creaks and groans." I didn't find any grammatical or spelling errors, although I have made a few suggestions below, tiny little things you might change. I hope you'll find these useful. Your main character comes across as slightly paranoid and neurotic, which is amusing. Whoever heard of a priestess with a fiery temper? And the twist at the beginning - the prologue - the ugly, veiled princess awaiting rescue by a prince who would never come - that was a fantastic hook. I really enjoyed this, and hope you find a publisher for it.

Rated 5 stars.

Hope you'll find the time to take a look at my book.

James
"Tamria"

“long ago learned” – maybe change the order of those words around, “learned long ago”. ”and she had learned long ago not to leave her quarters unveiled”

Great twist at the beginning – an ugly princess, awaiting rescue! How many times have I seen that…?

“save for the sound of my footsteps” – never use “for” after “save.” “Save” should always be on its own. Use “except for”. “The temple was silent except for the sound of my footsteps…” That sounds better.

“bell ringing”, “now misshapen” – need hyphens. “bell-ringing”, “now-misshapen”

“I had had lots of practice” – (second had italicized)… wonder if “lots” should be the word in italics. “I had had *lots* of practice.”


“alright” – should be two words, “all right”. But I’ve seen some books with this convention, so you might get away with it.

“Here I sit day and night” – maybe reverse the order of those words: “night and day”. “It isn’t fair! Here I sit night and day, praying…”

“…see if I’m alright” – the word “alright” again, it was used in the previous line. Try not to repeat words. Use “okay”.

“sweating rivers” – wonderful visual description

“I had long ago given up on stockings” – how about “long since” ? “I had long since given up on stockings”

“ill prepared” – hyphen. “ill-prepared”

“The day is surely coming upon you” – maybe lose “upon you.” “The day is surely coming when you will call on her and she will not hear you”

{A Priest’s Tale} – Lindsay Llewellyn
Chapter 1:

Wow this was really stunning, I loved the action and tension created from the bell crashing down!! The scene actually reminded me of an extract in a book for English commentary practice in high school… cannot remember where the extract was from but it involved climbing up a bell tower, and your vivid descriptions of the bell and its noise made me smile :) Well done,

I particularly loved the line ‘Or perhaps… they did notice and did not care’ – very powerful and thought provoking.

I also like the idea of how the bell collapses as it’s ringing to call people to prayer. For me this has a touch of symbolism… whether or not intentional. Prayer for me goes hand in hand with hope, and the fact that the bell crashes down at this time…

Okay I’m going on and on, I tend to do that when a particular image strongly appeals to me.

To sum up, I like your attention to detail in this passage, and the use of unusual and perhaps symbolic action to begin your story. An excellent follow-on from the prologue – well done in maintaining interest! The last two paragraphs were also very poignant and thought-provoking.

Have a fabulous day,

Cara

{A Priest’s Tale} – Lindsay Llewellyn
Prologue:

I love this opening; the mystery, the ‘nameless’ princess (I think this is excellent that you don’t name her – sort of goes hand in hand with the ‘facelessness’ and helps to build this mystery)

I feel that in this prologue, you not only set the physical scene for your story – but also set the thematic scene. I wonder… if you intend to provoke any subtle reflection on the idea of beauty, on the idea of fate… Anyway, some darker undercurrents, a balanced infusion!

Gret writing, good storyline. You have created a good strong main character.
There's lots of action which is something I enjoy. The dialogue works well and the writing flows excellently.
I particularly love the way you begin the story.
Many stars
Junetee(Four Corners) Look forward to your return read.

I like and believe in your story and characters. It's easy to suspend my belief and get lost in the world you've created. Your use on dialogue works well and gives a good sense of the accents and characters. One silly question - is it tits or teats? ("Haenid tits") also I'm not sure about your constant use of bold font and the single quote mark, but like I said it's nitpicking stuff.

Lindsay,

I've read the prologue and the first chapter. Your writing is good and clear and straight off you've developed a strong character in the priest.

I didn't look at the pitches before I started reading the book. I do that on purpose to see what you convey about the story in the opening. This is honestly meant as useful feedback - I have no clue what this story is about. I might be unusual but as a reader I like to pick up a book and latch on to the direction of the story. By the end of ch. 1 I've got a priest who's nearly been squished by a bell and who's angry with the villagers. I've also read about an ugly princess but I can't make the connection with ch.1. A war is mentioned so maybe the story is about that? I don't think we're on Earth.

OK, I've read the pitches now and the most useful line is 'Aamre Sahn has been sent to stop a bloody conflict'. Personally, I'd like you to drop some bigger hints in ch.1 about how Aamre's life is going to change.

There were a couple of things that caught my eye as I was reading -

'....was next to her apprentice who really ought to wipe down the pair of them.' Sounds a bit surreal. I imagine the apprentice with a big cloth ready to wipe them like a kitchen work surface.

'sat on my (arse)' The word arse doesn't seem to match the rest of the writing.

'Anyone would have told you (how) busy I was'

Regards

Gareth

Lindsay,

I read through to the end of your chapter 3. And you have a great narration voice! Very original writing style too. I'm loving Aamre's character, and felt a quick connection with her as a reader. Great internal conflict between doing the right thing religiously, and getting quite mad with the village folk. The anger bubbles up nicely under the surface when she's talking to Karl, and then just pops out! Well done :)

Two general things that stuck out for me; having the prologue and first three chapters in Autho CH01 was a bit heavy for online reading. Could these be split down individually? And also your chapter 3 is all in bold print (but I'm reading on a smart phone, so maybe formatting is out).

I noticed a few typo's, I think, but some may be down to your writing style:

CH01 - 'Anyone would have told [how] busy I was...'

CH01 - 'Like a wolf the blacksmith pounce[d] on why weakness...'

CH03 - 'It took more time [than] I would have liked...' had 'that'

Overall impression is really good! I enjoyed reading the MS, it held my attention and I went through at quick pace. Great style, with suspense, and nicely humorous to boot :)

Best wishes for the ED,
J.

I have come back to make another comment as the more I read of A Priest's Tale the more I like it. There are some great books here which I would definitely take out from the library if published but this one I would buy!

A fine rendition, well written, with classic themes.

The charachters are strong and convincing and the writing style tells that you are apt at storytelling and talented to craft and narrate events. As far as the pitch is concerned its quite clear with a strong plot. The only thing i could suggest is that the main charachter or protagonist should be more focused and prominent and a brief sketch will be of help. Over all the book is whimsical and deserves high stars.

Sorry it took me so long to look at your work!

I really enjoyed your story. It is well-written with good characterisation. Your descriptive writing is particularly good, as evidenced in the fall of the bell.

I’d like to offer a few pointers. Take them or leave them.

Pitch:

“She's lost her job, got stuck in a war and there's lots, lots of rain:
Aamre is fed up, and it's going to get worse.”
You should include a comma after ‘war’, as the ‘and’ that follows is a co-ordinating conjunction.
I know the limited word count makes the short pitch difficult, but it’s the first thing your reader will see, so it’s worth doing what you can to make it tidy and precise. I would consider rewording it. Here’s my suggestion:
‘After losing her job, Aamre is drawn into a war. On top of that, it won’t stop raining. How could it get any worse?...’

This is that story - well, sort of. This is the edge of that story, seen through the eyes of a young, bad tempered, foolish priest who really, really doesn't want to be on a rescue mission; certainly not with the spy who killed most of her friends, a philanderous foreigner and - worst of all - a practioner of forbidden magics.
‘Philanderous’ is not recognised as being a word. Some might argue that English generally allows the creation of neologisms from known suffixes, but others might look at this is a fault in your writing. The word ‘philandering’ would work just as well in this instance, so I would suggest using that word instead.
‘practioner’ should be ‘practitioner’.
The semicolon should only be used to separate two clauses that would function as full sentences on their own. I would therefore consider rewording this sentence. It might work better split into two sentences.

I loved your prologue; it’s very well-written. My only niggle is that your semicolon use is incorrect. I would consider replacing them with commas.

I hope you find this helpful.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

The book seems very interesting and is on my WL and will be coming back to comment after a couple of days.

Too intimidated, you need more flowers

I have not yet read the entire book, and will within a few days. I have just read the first two chapters. A number of things caught my attention. Would you belive re-writing a classic fairy tale is tricky business! The energy required to pull the reader into the story might be a load to heayy to carry at times.
Just a few small matters. When I began to read, then skipped through the book, I had a sense of dramatic rush about the flow. My heart kept saying "Slow down! Slow down!" I looked for periods of ease between the sprints of the story. That is probably a personal thing with me. Even a simple scene occasionally calling for the fleeing participants to stop for breath might be worth the words.
One common scenario is the general insertion of theology or "divine psychology" into the flow. Don't be bashful about placing your own values and ethics at these points. Just be sure you know yourself well enough to defend your insertion.
Also, even with an auto-biographical tale, the "I" is often overused. It might produce a more readable story to look to find an expansion of thought in many of those areas. You might find it less critical to establish yourself as the actor if your words reflect the actions of someone else. Occasionally loose tenses might be resolved by this action. You may find, as you continue to sharpen the story, some of the paragraph breaks are unnecessary.
Another point which would help. Many of the names within the story will be difficult for persons without experience in such literature. One might be served well by spending just a half-dozen words to make pronunciation viable for the most difficult names. Without that, one is often drawn away from the story repeatedly to attempt a reconciliation with a single strange name. Thus time and emotional involvement are wasted every time.
Well, that is enough. You are working on a good tale here, it seems. Because the classic nature of the fairy tale is a comfortable piece, many who read this will be able to grasp the realities quickly. Thanks for allowing me the privilege of reading.

I like the story very much and look forward to reading more. It's on my bookshelf for easy access! I have only read as far as leaving the village with Haden. The character is very strong and her faults and worries very convincing. It is a pleasure to read. A couple of very minor quibbles. Perhaps the word 'quarters' in the prologue sounds a bit anatomical at first reading. Also when you've got Hayden and Hazzor another H in the part where the old priestess dies - Hathill- confused me at first. But brilliant read!

This has a nice flow, making it very easy to read. I like the concept of a different take on the fairytale. Thanks to Disney, those can easily get old but you've done a good job here. While reading, I could easily imagine what was happening down to the last detail, but it wasn't because you were overly detailed. You have a nice balance of show and tell.
That being said, there were a few things I noticed and wanted to mention. Whether they're relevant or not is totally up to you :)
Okay we'll start with the first few chapters!
Prologue: I really liked this. Right away you delivered on your pitch. The idea of a scarred princess captured my attention.
Chapter 1 The first paragraph was a little confusing. She patted Karl's head--who stood in the gaze of Re'a-- and picked lint off Abitha's shoulder. And then there was an apprentice who needed to wipe the pair of them down. Who is the pair? Are they statues? (Of course it becomes clear later that Karl and Abitha are people). Perhaps rearranging the wording could help.

A few paragraphs down, when the priestess is ringing the bell and it collapses--I realize that it's for descriptive purposes but the word 'bell' is used an awful lot. Perhaps a few of them could be eliminated once the scene has been set by just writing 'rope' instead of 'bell rope' and tower instead of 'bell tower.'

I noticed your tags are "faith" "religion" "lighthearted" and "fairytale." Is this fairytale also a satire? Her swearing and terrible attitude seem to poke fun at religion/religious office. Don't get me wrong, I rather enjoyed her bad attitude :) But during reading, I wondered several times if I had the tone right in my head...

Chapter 2 "I must stop using the roof as a place for anything that had no other home." --switches to present tense
"Now and again I think before I speak. This was one of those rare moments." --present tense again
and again with--"It is no coincidence that nearly all temples are built a little apart from the village; nobody wants their gods too close."

Oh and you mentioned that YA wasn't normally your thing, but I think A Priest's Tale actually reads like a rather enjoyable YA novel, especially with the fairytale take. Just a thought!

Eden

I don't like fantasy stories generally but this is wonderfull poetic, down to earth yet uplighting at the same time. Pride of place on my selective bookshelf!

Best of luck

Rob

A Priest's Tale. Your pitches make your book sound like a fun read.
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Prologue. I stopped at the second sentence. Dont you mean 'She hadnt seen them for years.' (the scars?)
Somtimes the odl adage 'less is more' is better heeded.
Wonder what you'd say to omitting words / phrases like 'long ago'. And just make the next sentence stop after 'There is a loneliness to facelessness.' Perhaps it would make your message stronger?

Then I am caught up in the urgency of Saahni's predicament. What a character she is. Love the way she marched up to that bell and kicked it.

Chs. 2-3. The pace is excellent, and I'm noticing no nits as I accompany thepriest on her journey east hoping not tomeet a foreign army. A nice bit of suspense to keep the reader on tenterhooks while she says her prayers.
Delightful gentle humour as she extricates herself from the bush.

Ch.4. This chapter moves rather slowly by comparison. I appreciate the back-story is needed, and Saahni needs to catch her breath.

I've enjoyed the read. Thankyou for responding to my call. Wonder what you'll think of mine?

Jane (Breath of Africa).

I have read chapters 1-2 and part of 3. This is a very exciting story. It is well written with few grammar mistakes (the only one I can recall is a comma before a conjunction to separate two complete clauses.) Although you say it is like a fairytale, the story is so realistic I wonder if there is any historical basis. As a reader of mostly literary fiction, it still appeals to me because of the strongly portrayed behavior and relationship dynamics. It is rich with dialogue, action, and description, a nice balance of the three. Highly starred!

My one suggestion is that the argument after the bell falls, when she keeps on trying to get the villagers to help and Karl keeps them snickering, gets a little long. The back and forth of this is a bit repetitive, but it is important for her to eventually curse them. Still, bravo, Lindsay!
-Cassandra Porter

Your book is very good, as is your writing style--you are very talented. I like your voice. It is very unique. Rated high. Great job. Lacy

Lindsay,

I can see why you earmarked my book. It seems our books have a few things in common - a feisty girl enraged for not being taken seriously. The whole angry scenario is quite similar. And although you write in first person and my story is in third person, I thought our writing styles are a bit alike too.

You have a gift of imagery and your voice is very smooth. I was captivated right away by the demise of bell and the indifferent townspeople. And the priest with no parishioners has a sad, familiar ring to it...

I loved the intrigue of the quick moving plot and the tension remains high all the way to the cliffhanger and the end of chapter three. Your characters are thoughtfully depicted, each having their own distinct and memorable personalities. Along with the great plot, your characters are what really drive the story. You are a wonderful writer and I can see A Priest’s Take going far. Five stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

The genre of this book is not one I would normally choose but I have to say I loved it. I enjoyed being taken on the journey and getting to know the characters and I wanted to know what would happen next. The style of writing is excellent and often provided intentional laughter.

In addition to being a good story, the book is underpinned by a subtle yet integral thread that looks at what it is to be a priest, or indeed anyone of faith, in a world where that faith isn’t shared. This whole angle was very thought provoking and something I will be mulling over in the days to come. One of my favourite lines and one that sums up this angle is “It is a lot easier, I thought, to lead a holy life when you are not constantly cheek-by-jowel with a bunch of folk who are determined to set you off your path.” How true! How often do we (I) set out determined to do well and yet fall at the hurdles placed in our (my) way – and yet Aamre is so flawed (and therefore so real) that it is clear she (I) causes as many problems for herself as others do for her. In addition, it is in (rather than apart from) a flawed world the she is (I am) called ‘to lead a holy life’ so the challenges she wrestles with (both those provided by others and by herself) are both interesting to watch and to reflect on.

I have to say the ending came a little soon for me (I wanted more – which is a good thing) and left a few loose ends – I am not a fan of loose ends but this is a personal preference rather than a criticism.

Overall excellent – well written, captivating, entertaining and thought provoking.

Book backed, hope to see it in print sometime soon :-)
Helen.

Not really my genre, but well written. You were able to evoke the pictures in my mind with very good descriptions. 4 stars for now.

Hi Lindsay,
I’m here for our read swap. So sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Family stuff came up. I appreciate your patience. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
Frankly, I think the short pitch is fairly weak. First, it reads like a fragmented synopsis, and the “and some fighting” kind of sells short the drama that is evident in this book.
Love where you’re going with that first-line hook of the long pitch, but war does not snatch people. People (or other creatures) may snatch someone in the name of war, but war itself does not. I would rewrite this as “Amidst war, bandits snatch the young priest, Aamre, from her village.”
Is it the bandits who plunge her into the plot for peace? Because that’s how it reads.
Drop the ellipse at the end. It isn’t used properly as there is no continuing thought to this sentence.
I like where you’re going with the pitches, but there are some gaps to be filled. I’m not for overtelling in a pitch, but basic context is required, and I think certain parts need a bit more meat to make them clearer.
Prologue
Not sure why the whole prologue is italicized. That is usually reserved for things like direct thought.
Good opening-line hook.
Delete “even”
I like the first line of the second paragraph, too, but you might consider changing it slightly to “that she had never been able to clearly explain.” As it reads, it sounds like she just hasn’t tried. I think you mean to say something different.
“She felt her true self” You combine prose with direct thought, which doesn’t really work. This ought to be reworked.
Chapter 1
I’m confused already. The prologue is in third-person perspective, yet the rest is written in first-person perspective. Is the narrator the same as the woman in the prologue? I think this really needs to be consistent, or needs to be clearer that they’re different people. And, if they are different, the woman in the prologue ought to be identified. Otherwise, what’s the point of having the prologue?
“It was time again” Drop the comma. Also, this is a weak first-line opening.
Is Karl a dog? That’s the image I get. Maybe some clarification. Why would she pat him on the head? That’s almost condescending if he’s another adult.
“I doubted it” needs to be clearer. Does the narrator doubt Re’a’s mercy, or does he/she doubt the effectiveness of the bell?
I read through the first couple chapters. A wonderful start. Also, it might just be a mistake, but why is chapter three bolded?
Some suggestions: Be leery of overusing “ly” adverbs. They are often unnecessary and can muddy up the cleanness of your prose if overused. Also, while the story is wonderful—you have a knack for pacing and presenting drama in a believable way—you sometimes fall into the habit of leaving out adequate explanation. Remember that the reader does not know what you know, only what’s on the page, so make sure you’re not leaving essential details out within sentences and ensure that your explanations say what you mean and don’t leave the door open for the reader for misinterpretation. This is an easy habit to fall into (I do it myself from time to time), but it’s something to be aware of.
A great start to what is surely a wonderful story. I think adding some polish will really help it pop.
Best of luck!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

A Priest's Tale is a very well written story. After I read the first chapter I was unable to put it down. I was aborbed into A Priest's Tale. Everything from the charactors to the environment is very well thought out and described. Using this realism you are placed in the story next to the charactor. Very well done.

Neal
Love, Fear and Holy War

Here to kick off our read swap.

To start things off with, i see that alot of people have pointed out grammar and spelling mistakes so i won't bother in that area (plus im not the best at locating them thats my weak point as a writer) so instead ill just comment on the story alone.

Your pitch is really good, especially the short pitch. i love the "And some fighting" that made me smirk making me have faith that your writing was going to be entertaining and worth reading. I also love the title and enjoy fantasy stories that add a touch of religion twisted into the storyline.

Your prologue intrigued me and i want to know more about this scarred princess as i hope that there is a smart enough prince out there to rescue her regardless of her "ugliness"

Unlike others, i did read your pitch so i knew the MC is female. i found that you balanced suspense, empathy for the characters, and dialogue very nicely. I like your writing style, and although i only have time to read the first part im keeping your novel on my WL so that i can find out more about the princess, Hayden and Aamre.
Great job!
Amanda

This is high quality writing. It's very difficult to manage religious themes without lapsing into sentimental piety or unconvincing spirituality. The book avoids both and establishes an integrity of its own. While the action is set in what some would call a fantasy world, the character of the Priest explores all the difficulties and frustrations of women's place in organised relgion and what is sometimes called "a man's world". As I write the C of E General Synod is debating whether it should go ahead with consecrating women Bishops. The conflicts this reflects are seen in Lindsay's writing and she explores them with skill and verve.

Read the first three chapters and was thoroughly impressed! Great style and well written! The format reminded me of fairy tale. Very high rating and good luck with this!
Dina of HOTD and Bad Juju

Great book! The first chapter is very well written and I loved the detail. Not very much wrong with your book. Highly rated!

This is very professional writing. Hard to nit pick.
The fonts need sorting.
Otherwise, I enjoyed your first chapter very much. The descriptive prose, though sparse is effective and the narrative prose excellent. No problems in the dialogue either.
Highly starred and backed.

Hi Lindsay,
I read ch 1 and I'm not sure where to begin. From your profile you sound fed up with editing; it is a chore but necessary. Could I suggest that you look at reducing the number of chapters posted and concentrate on getting those right - by all means edit the remaining chapters but in an unpressured way. I am not going to be picky but discuss the structure if I may.
Personally, I was confused the whole way through. I was not sure whether the central character was male or female - for me (of simple mind) a priest is male and a priestess is female. I was confused as to the location of the story, both geographically and chronologically. In terms of location, I started off thinking that I was in the land of the Druids (don't know why) but then got thrown by some of the names to Norseland, then to central Europe, then to Egypt then to South America. Mostly it was to do with the choice of names. In terms of time, I thought that I was comfortably somewhere in the dark ages - C8 - then a modern phrase would jar in and remind me that I am a child of the C22
Writing in the 1st person is difficult because everything has to be told from that perspective. Perhaps this is why many of the characters just appear as names without and sense of who they are and how they fit into the story.
I am sorry to seem to be negative, believe me I have had my share of having cherished pieces of writing torn to shreds. The mouse has been rewritten several times! Edited many times more! Could I suggest that you consider reducing the number of words posted to the 10,000 minimum then divide up the remaining chapters into more managable chunks. This does reduce, significantly what I call the reaction writing and allows you to make significant changes to the book as a whole at you leisure.
kind regards,
Rob

I like how you set your priest at odds with the villagers and give her the challenges of saving the reluctant flock. She's a likeable character and your dialog is strong. A few more physical descriptions of character and setting would be helpful to add flavor to the scenes.

This is good work. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

The opening started with a lot of action with Aamre hating her work and the bell falling. The storyline of the town's people being cursed by her doesn't help the reader have any sympathy for her character especially after they are killed. I like the fact that you gave a little of the main character backstory when her mentor dies how much she loved her helps with personalizing her character. I only read the first six chapters but if Hayden is going to be a love interest I hope you also tell his backstory of how he came to be a rutheless solider that kills woman/children. This will help the reader like both charcters, instead of seeing characters who think only of their own self preservation.

Greetings,

I have read through your fist chapter one, and this is a very interesting book so far -- thick with plot, thick with characters, and a fairly nice read. There is some edit work to be done here... there were sentences that didn't flow quite right, and a place where I think you had been working on editing and had gotten sidetracked (If you read your own book, you will see it as a huge indentation starting with the word 'and'.

There were some descriptions that I really think need flushed out right at the beginning of the first chapter. It left me a little confused on just what she was petting. A lot of names, and nothing to quantify them for me.

Plot wise, I have no comments; it came across as feasible to me. Tension was good. The only thing I think that may have bothered me through this was her attitude at the beginning, it did make her a little unsympathetic, but I did continue reading anyway. I'm just not sure how many others will view her as unsympathetic.

One thing that did bother me is calling her a priest, rather than a priestess. It might be a quirk with the world, but I kept stalling and wondering why they weren't calling her a priestess.

All in all, it was a very pleasant read. I don't usually like first person, but I was able to enjoy reading this book. Good job. I will be backing this.

If you found my comments at all helpful, I would appreciate if you took a look at Ascension.

Lindsay,


I've read chapter 8-11 and I am still completely engrossed in this tale. With your in-depth style and knack for funny dialogue, I feel like I'm sucked in to Aamre's life and into her character. I'm taking this journey with her, not just reading about. The cast of characters that you have introduced are becoming more and more multi-dimensional. I wish this was a published book so I could read it whereever I go! I wouldn't put it down.

You can count on my coming back for more.

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

Lindsay,

I am really enjoying A Priest's Tale! You have an interesting premise here and as I read chapter one I find Aamre's thoughts and the way she deals with things around her to be intriging. These people around her don't respect her or see her importance and even though she tries to deny her personal pain over what they say to her I feel for the situation she's in. I also love the name Aamre and the cover of your book! I see a lot of potential here and I'm looking forward to reading more soon and delving deeper into the world you've brought to life for us. You also seem to have a great handle on punctuation and that is so important! When will the princess come into play? What is her history? I'm anxious to find out!

I've starred A Priest's Tale highly and have added it to my watchlist. Thank you so much for the enjoyable read! Have a wonderful day and thanks for your time with The Ark of Humanity!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Lindsay, I've read the first three chapters. You spin a good yarn: lots of action, a strong character in the priest. You're also doing a good job of withholding information, or rather, releasing it in small doses to keep up the suspense. I'm backing the book and, as I have time, I'll read some more.

Congratulations!

Mark

This is a beautifully written deeply emotive story. I almost didn't read it because I don't like fantasy but I am glad I changed my mind. I felt so sorry for Aamre and how the villagers treated her when in her heart she was only trying to help them. You describe perfectly her sense of anguish at their rejection. I think she did really well not to hit Karl when he started being sarcastic to her! Even though I have only read a few chapters of this book it has the feel of a good film to it. I wish you all the best and look forward to the ED review.

Kim (Pain)

Lindsay,

Ive just finished chapters 4-7. I feel so bad for poor Amare! I am getting so engrossed in this story! I love the names you use for people and places. This world has a very egyptian/mesopotamian feeling to it because of the names and the use of apostrophies to break up a word. I'm thoroughly enjoying reading this!

Only one typo in the 1st paragraph of the 4th chapter it shoudl read "used to visit."

Will definitely be back for more!!!

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

Lindsay,

I've read chapters 1-3 and I'm hooked! I can picture everything and I love that the Heroine is a priest. I do have to say it took me a while a realize that the priest was a woman. Nothing about her was very feminine.

I love that the bell fell and not a single person noticed. I can't imagine it! I was write there with her peraitng everyone! Very very witty and well written.

One little thing, in chapter 1, Amare says "You will pay for your apostasy with blood" and in chapter 3, she thinks, "you will pay for your narcissism with blood." I dont think that apostasy and narcissism are synonyms. But that's just me.

Love the concept and a like your style of writing. I look forward to continuing to read.

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

Funny how most fairy-tale princesses are grounded, I mean towered, because of their sex appeal, rather than for a lack thereof. Don’t leave your ‘quarters’ unveiled. Sounded like a word was missing. I felt sorry for the blind lady-in-waiting. All those steps.

Liked the flourishes such as ‘prostrate in a mockery of devotion’, and the dialogue perfectly rollicks. Aamre Sahn is very likeable. Standard male names, Hayden and Karl. Fancy female ones, Re’a’ and Abitha. A theme? I’m not a fan of impossible-to-pronounce names. Wyrms likewise.

The second half of this first chapter gathered pace. Some early passages could do (in my opinion) with some loving attention. Take this execrable line: ‘The bell still tolled but unevenly now no one pulled on its tether.’ I’ve read this out loud three times and can’t make it sound anything but unlovely. But I'm also a somewhat empty godless fool. Splendid epithet, by the way.

Complete at 93K words. Hats off to you, Lindsay. Looks like a fun read, just lacking a few coats of polish.

Your story flows really well and the charter of the Priest has so much depth, the way she's torn between her deep faith and the debauched people she serves. I'm in two minds about wether i like her or not, when she hid in that bush when the soldiers went past and then didn't carry on down to the next village, i thought her charter was going to turn out to be a coward, but then when she reached her bell tower again and stood up to the soldiers and their leader, i feel we saw a little bud of courage appear, which made for an interesting read because the priest's charter was growing before our eyes, good read :-)

Hi Lindsay,

I got your book off the Women's Only thread and enjoyed the very different world you have crafted. The personalities of the characters comes over well and I can see the priest is growing over the course of the story. One thing I would suggest is to call her a priestess, especially as she is the servant of a femail deity.

Loved, loved, loved the prolog and was a tad disappointed when more of this thread didn't appear, although to be honest, I only read up to chapter 8. I am burning to know why the princess is disfigured and, apparently hated for it by her father.

The pace of the priest's story was a trifle slow as a lot of details of daily parts of the journey are included. I know this highlights her evolution as a person, but wonder if it can be speeded up a tad? I also didn't see much real threat for her as she was always saved by one of the gang and was never entirely convinced she was about to die, aside from the incident at the temple, when she didn't seem to care much. Her value is her healing skills, yet when faced with a casualty, they have the wizard do his stuff.

I think I would like to see much more on the king and his motives for the attack on his own people. Yes, I can see blaming the enemy would be a smart move, but at the same time, he is endlessly targeting the people who provide the food for the kingdom. The villagers would have to pay some sort of produce tax to gain the right to farm their land and if the food dries up then the legitimate army won't be marching anywhere. There would have to be some trade for the blacksmith in the village to get his ore for smelting. Presumeably his tithe would be crafted weapons?

Just some thoughts on a beautifully written piece. Good luck with this.

Hi Lindsay

I like what I've read of this. I'll just get to my notes:

'I had had lots of practice' - I don't see why the second 'has' is in italics

'spat out the grit from the floor' - granted, I haven't spent much time on the floor, but this seems to be something that would happen in films, but not real life. Would you really get a mouthful of dirt just because you leapt to the floor?

Calling to the people outside makes it sound like she(?) is actually outside and talking to them, rather than assuming they're there, so it made me stop and read back a bit when I read 'still no one came in'.

'Obviously - obviously - it I was...'

Chapter 2 would be better suited to...chapter 2, rather than the same chapter.

I have to say, this priest seems a tad stupid. She (and again, there's been no way yet of knowing if this is a he or she) thinks about how the bell will one day be a warning, and she tells the villagers how they are no longer protected. Yet when the man comes and says that these people, mere miles away, are coming, she assumes he is crazy. And the more obvious it becomes that he is telling the truth, the more convinced she becomes that he's mad and dangerous.

Why is chapter 3 all in bold?

All in all, it is very well written, with some exceptionally frustrating characters, one of which get a well-deserved punch in the mouth :) My only real suggestion is to break it up into more chapters so it's not as long. And perhaps make it clear that she is a woman before halfway through chapter 2. Also, perhaps a little more description of the village and its surroundings so we can picture it better. Good luck with it :)

A review from women only group;
I'm not the right person to judge this type of book as I have very little knowledge of the Fantasy world genre.
Though I can say the writing was good and the story interesting.
I like the way you've ended each chapter with a little teaser to read on.
I read to chapter four and found the story engaging.
There was just one problem for me, and it maybe just me! But I couldn't tell if the priest was male or female until chapter four. You mentioned skirts, I thought woman. Then you mentioned other things that made me think male. As nobody says she-he to the priest it's hard to know.
When you say priest I immediately think man. If it was priestess I'd know it was a woman.
That's my only gripe in an otherwise enjoyable read. I'd suggest letting the reader know early in the first chapter, male or female because it is really confusing.
Having said that, it was still very good writing.
Best of luck, Orma