My Pet Human

J,
I have just finished. Wow! Wow! Wow! Very well done. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I look forward to the continuing saga. Despite having to re-read 21 and 22 ... I guess I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have, it flowed nicely, but it requires a certain concentration in order to grasp the fullness of it. I will keep it on my bookshelf and I wish you the best of luck on the way to the ED. I am glad that I stumbled upon this. It gives me a new genre to explore.
Pam S.

This is really good! I love your writing style and descriptions. This is an amazing piece o work. I'm sure I'm going to see it on paper soon. Publishers are going to go crazy over this. As a video producer, I can see a great deal of potential in this. not only as a book but as a screenplay. Excellent job my friend. I'm glad that I've been one of the first to read this. Keep going!

This is really good, and I mean that. You have to finish it I need closure! The sci fi concepts are real bleeding edge stuff, and I did not see the twist coming. For all lovers of the genre this is a must read, far out and funny!

Wow. I am speechless. I've read a lot of stories - most of which are really good - but this one takes the cake. I was hooked in when I read the first paragraph in the prologue and couldn't help but think, "Yeah, I'm going to enjoy this one. Most definitely." I loved it. The way you described things was phenomenal and made everything so vivid within my mind. Fantastic job. Truly magnificent.

I've already added this to my watchlist and bookshelf, and I haven't even finished the second chapter! This is fantastic. Really vivid imagery, and the book obviously has a very well thought-out plot, I could tell from the first few paragraphs (sometimes I'm not even sure what it is I'm reading!). So yes, like I said, fantastic. Also, I can literally see and smell the devastation in the prologue, and I think it's great how you managed to do that.
I wish you the best of luck!
Devyn

Hi J,

Wow! Just read the opening and then the first chapter. My thoughts:

It's brilliantly written, really vivid and so visual that I could see virtually everything you've described in the ocean. Fantastically bizarre too, definitely with an alien feel to it...really odd, in a good way, like some of my weirder stories. :)

I don't quite understand what's going on, aside from that the narrator is the character and he's in a suit underwater on this planet, and then his suit suddenly disappears and he gets eaten...it's certainly unusual to say the least! :D But that's not a bad thing...I'm sure that when I read on, it'll all become clear. :)

Again, the visual descriptions are the best part; so believable and real seeming despite their sci-fi properties, and that's what's amazing. To make fantasy a reality in a convincing way is really hard, and that you could pull it off so effectively is brilliant. I'm going to take a hint from this next time I try to describe something really alien...making it vivid should be really hard, but you did it really well. I'll read a bit more when I get the time and see how the story unfolds! :)

Tristram

Hello J,
I just wanted to let you know that this is as good of an opening scene as I've read on authonomy. From that point on, you had me hooked like a bridle on a leash.

ILoveHorses.

J,
I have just finished. Wow! Wow! Wow! Very well done. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I look forward to the continuing saga. Despite having to re-read 21 and 22 ... I guess I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have, it flowed nicely, but it requires a certain concentration in order to grasp the fullness of it. I will keep it on my bookshelf and I wish you the best of luck on the way to the ED. I am glad that I stumbled upon this. It gives me a new genre to explore.
Pam S.

J,
I have just finished. Wow! Wow! Wow! Very well done. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I look forward to the continuing saga. Despite having to re-read 21 and 22 ... I guess I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have, it flowed nicely, but it requires a certain concentration in order to grasp the fullness of it. I will keep it on my bookshelf and I wish you the best of luck on the way to the ED. I am glad that I stumbled upon this. It gives me a new genre to explore.
Pam S.

Read Chapter one and I think its is very well played out! Takes me into my sci-fi part of my brain(which is hard to do) You got something good coming along here. I'm going to read back over to see about any little things to point put, but i wanted just to get the feel of the book so far. I can't wait to read more!

Up to chapter seven so far, great imagination and detail, love the dry humour and the squabbits! Best of luck with your book.

Wow, what an imagination! I'm in awe of your descriptive abilities! Tense, gripping and brilliantly vividly written. Great prologue, by the way. I'm not usually in favour of these but yours fits perfectly. You'll get this published, I guarantee it. Highly starred and in my WL for a place on my shelf. Well done.

J.O.,
Your descriptives are simply awe-inspiring, and every single page scintillates with these gems. Take for example, "the vortex in his abandoned tea swirls to a full ahead stop" or "contorted cadaver surrounded by a dull red ice cloud" phrasing that conveys graphic detail to the reader's mind. You are a master of the written word for which I salute you. Thanks for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

SF42 Review

Prologue
- I love description, and you’re doing it well. However, I’m afraid you might be setting me up. When I see description like this, I’m going to expect it throughout the book. I suppose we’ll see. Or I will. You know already, since you wrote it…
- I think I would prefer this to end with “This is my truth now.” Much more hard hitting, for me at least.

Chapter 1
- I’m not going to lie, this chapter is a bit confusing for me. You’ve kept up the description, but it’s drowning me and, similar to the MC, I can’t really tell which way is up.
- Oooo, I love this line: The gaping jaws swing slowly with a casual confidence…
- Still lost….I know it’s a dream, at least

Chapter 2
- A little cliché to open the chapter with him waking up. Not a fan of that.
- I like the reference to AI laws in the ‘wake’ rules. Cute. I really like the third rule. THAT would definitely wake me up.
- I have a bit of a problem. I understand that this is set on a different world with a different currency, and I recognize the symbol before the numbers as a currency, but I have no idea what it is, or how to say it so I just skip over it. You definitely need to tell us what that is the first time you show the symbol.
- The constant scene change asterisks really break up the flow of the reading.
- At this point, I’d like to have some form of a connection with the main character, but I don’t yet.

Chapter 3
- Not much to comment about this chapter. I still have no idea who this David is, or what’s going on


So, this is going to sound like a negative, but it’s not. The premise you outline in the LP sounds interesting, and the prologue definitely makes me want to read this book. Unfortunately, in the chapters I read after that, I couldn’t connect at all with the main character. I had a brief one night stand with him in the prologue, but that’s all it was. I had no idea what was going on. I allowed myself to suspend reality to get into the world, but I was bombarded with so much that I had a hard time doing so. I felt as though I was reading a book written mostly in English, but had half sentences in Italian. I know a bit of Italian, but not enough to really understand what’s going on.

- Nichole

Chapters 7, 8, 9, 10. I have decided to forget about correcting and just enjoy. I can honestly say that I have never had to concentrate so much to read a book. (don't get me wrong, the concentration level is because I truly want to "become" part of everything that is happening) I can easily read a standard paperback in a day ... maybe day and a half and get the gist of the plot, understand the book and the characters and come away with a good/bad opinion...sometimes I get bored so I skip past parts, but not with this. I am trying to figure out what Kenan (I'm thinking this is Ken) is ... I get that David is human ... don't tell me, I do want to find out by myself. I like "B", the whole running circles around Ads and Ease made me laugh. I would love to read on, but I have to go, but I will continue tomorrow.
Pam
CS-21

SF42

Hi,

I really liked the pitch so I thought I'd give your story a go. The prologue is a good opener and you write well with a distinctive, contemporary style. Having a dream sequence to open the story proper is a bit of a cliche, though yours is better done than most. What I missed in chapter two was a description of the protagonist - having the narrator admire his reflection in the bathroom mirror or something like that would have helped to picture him (I still can't visualise David, sorry). The use of the infinity symbol (∞) also confused me for a bit until I realised you're using it to represent currency.

I read to chapter eleven (I think) but couldn't quite settle into the story. What followed the prologue was a tale of a bored office worker, then a bored office worker with a mad wild animal as a pet, then some sort of alien abduction; none of which made me as a reader think back to the prologue and wonder where it was all going. You write well, but I felt as if I'd missed some vital clues along the way. Yet you've garnered rave reviews, so I am willing to admit that it's probably just me. I should go away and have a lie down...!

All the best, Steph (Hollow Moon).

I found a interval of Internet so I thought I'd take a look.
I didn't have long, so I took a chapter from beginning, middle and end.
Overall this is well written, with pace and passion, and I enjoyed the read - even though I didn't really know what was going on ;)

Good opening chapter.
Chapter 11
"A trait we don’t from," - makes no sense
Not sure the description of David's skin and face fits with the opening description of his having black mucus over his face, or if it is there was enough of a dissonance in my mind to distract me from the narrative.
Why are the eyes named as such, while ears and mouth are described by function?
Idly curious, why do we need the qualification 'made-up' to 'deity' each time? (not got the context, so forgive me if this is explained earlier.) It comes across as repetitive, and a tad ideologically driven - either yours or the alien's.
Book two 'Chapter One'
Concisely and tightly written.
One of the better space-fight sequences I've read.

You've chosen an odd place to leave the Authonomy reader. I'm wondering (writing from a position of ignorance) whether it would be better to finish at the end of book one.
Sorry I've not much in the way of useful criticism, but this is already very well written.

All the best with this.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Chapter 4, 5, 6 ... I love your little pet. You give a very vivid depiction and I can see the hab in shreds with this cute but insane creature slowly taking over. Your very good with your decriptive writing. I have an image in my head of what your world looks like and it is a place, so far, that one may want to escape to. I don't know if you want to be made aware of punctuation, grammer etc, but if you do let me know, otherwise I won't mention anything and just concentrate on the enjoyment of the read.

This is a really excellent read!!! The descriptions throughout the book are awesome... I am hoping to see this book in the bookstores really soon. This is a true masterpiece of its own.. Wonderful job... Highly starred ....All the best to you....

This is really good! I love your writing style and descriptions. This is an amazing piece o work. I'm sure I'm going to see it on paper soon. Publishers are going to go crazy over this. As a video producer, I can see a great deal of potential in this. not only as a book but as a screenplay. Excellent job my friend. I'm glad that I've been one of the first to read this. Keep going!

This is really good! I love your writing style and descriptions. This is an amazing piece o work. I'm sure I'm going to see it on paper soon. Publishers are going to go crazy over this. As a video producer, I can see a great deal of potential in this. not only as a book but as a screenplay. Excellent job my friend. I'm glad that I've been one of the first to read this. Keep going!

Chapter 4 - ... trampled gleefully on 'The Theory of Everything', The Theory of Everything 2', and 'The Theory of Everything Else.' ... I love it!

Cool cover, but I'd like to see your name bigger on it.

Best Regards,
RianTorr
New London Masquerade

Wow! This has me ... I can't even think of a word that encapsulates the feeling. I see what you write, putting the occasional personal twist on the image. I will be reading more as I am putting it on my watchlist.

Extraordinary!

Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

This deserves a visit to the editor's desk. You have a great narrative style and a brilliant turn with words. And you paint a wonderfully vivid word picture of the world your characters inhabit.

Given the callibre of your work, I've gone through and written some chapter by chapter notes. At this point you must be wanting to polish it, so I figured anything I spotted and pointed out could only be a help to you. I hope that's okay. Nobody else seems to do anything like this, but it just seems to me to be the right thing to do, especially as your book is complete. Let me know if it's not the sort of thing people on this site want to receive and I'll stop. (Happily, really. It takes ages!)

So... Just a few general things to start.

1) The use of 'sat' and 'stood' in the present tense. This must be a regional thing or something, as I have come across a few books on this site with the same thing. 'I'm sat' is a contradiction in terms, as 'sat' is past tense and 'am' is present tense. As you are wanting the present tense in every instance, it should be "I'm sitting' or 'I sit'. The same applies for 'stood' ; 'stand' or 'am standing' are correct.

2) I read somewhere that if a publisher is faced with a choice between two books of equal callibre, he'll choose the one with the best grammar and punctuation. Apart from the above, your grammar (based on my limited knowledge of the stuff) seems fine, but I did notice some issues with punctuation, particularly around quotation marks. I'm sure there are web-sites or books out there with this sort of stuff in it - or maybe there's something here on Authonomy. I haven't looked to see. But, as I'm sure your book has a real chance at the editor's desk, I think it would pay dividends to spend the time searching something out and getting the punctuation right.

3) You used a lot of 'double' words throughout your book, many of which you've hyphenated. Unfortunately there were still plenty that you've omitted to do (plus a few single words that you've written as two, such as 'bed room' instead of 'bedroom'). There are even some that you've hyphenated sometimes, but not others. Again, with such a good piece of work, it would really pay to take the time to work critically through your manuscript and tidy those bits up, especially as some of them, left the way they are, can impart a whole new meaning to the sentence. Commas would help, too. The best example of this (although definitely not the most confusing) was in Ch 6 (All my chapter references are Authonomy chapters, rather than your chapters.) ;

'the professional suit wearing business man option.' So, is the professional suit wearing a business? And do we have a man-option? There's no chance of confusion if you put in the commas and hyphens : 'the professional, suit-wearing, businessman option.'

It's hard to do, because you know what you intended to say. The best method is to take each sentence out of context and see if it makes sense standing alone.

Anyway, that's it for general stuff. Now chapter by chapter.

Chapter 7 (No major issues for Ch 1 - 6 that I came across)

1) 'I know its winning, the bloody jobs worth.'
I couldn't follow this sentence. Is it meant to be; 'I know it's winning the bloody job's-worth.'? If so, there are four things you need to change.

2) 'I hold my hand up to the bright ceiling light-panels...'
This sounds like light panels in a bright ceiling. I'm not sure how to get round it, though.
Maybe 'bright ceiling-light panels' or just 'bright light-panels in the ceiling'.

Ch 8

1) 'adaptively' should be 'adaptivity'. I was going to tell you exactly where to find it in the chapter, but then I realised you could just use word-find. Easy!

Ch 10

1) 'My body glands like crazy...'
What does this mean? I don't think 'glands' is a verb.

Ch 11
1) 'formally' should be 'formerly'
2) 'scrapping' should be 'scraping'
3) 'there're' should be 'they're'

Ch 12

1) 'I'm grateful of' should be 'I'm grateful for'

2) 'If it weren't for the series of injections...'
This sentence is a bit hard to follow. It can read as though 'it' had to do something. Maybe you could say something like;

'If it weren't for the series of injections the human was given to boost the regenerative process - following the series of injections we administered to infect its body with the 316 different viral and bacterial microbes our bodies harbour that really like humans - it would be dead by now. In fact, it would have been dead a long time ago.'

3) 'They are a strange, highly-strung...'
Either remove 'who's altogether, or put 'who are'. You were talking about 'they'.

4) 'A trait we don't...'
I found this sentence difficult to follow. How about ; 'A trait we don't suffer from, or, at least, designed out of ourselves millennia ago.'?

5) 'The face suggests he's been malnourished...'
'he's' should be 'its' as Kenan doesn't know his sex at this stage.

6) 'the slime covering his face...'
You begin this section with Kenan saying 'it'. Then he says that David Harland is a male of the species and after that he uses 'he'. But Kenan knows David's a 'he' right from the start of the section, so he would think 'he' all the way through. Could you introduce the 'he' right from the start?

e.g. 'The slime covering the face of the human who is called David Harland - a male of the species - has significantly reduced.

Or just start with a sentence all on its own;
'It seems the human who is David Harland is a male of his species.

The slime covering his face...'

7) 'The reason it was still alive during...'
Sorry, I didn't understand this sentence.

Ch 14

1) 'They must have knocked me out...'
'I can' should be 'I can't'

2) 'By the time I get back...'
Put a comma after 'back', otherwise it sounds as though he's getting the new production contracts back, rather than returning.

3) 'I've counted a few non-descript...'
'on route' should be 'en-route'

4)You've written 'hanger' in a couple of places. It should be 'hangar'.

5) 'While the humanoid...'
'crafts' should have a comma, not a full-stop. Otherwise, 'while' is senseless.

Ch 20

1) This chapter was a bit hard to follow as it seemed to come out of nowhere. One minute they seemed to be being really nice to him and then suddenly they seemed to be torturing him. It's explained at the end, but I had to read it through a few times to fully get the picture. (In all probability, this is just me. I can be a bit dense at times).

2) 'I stand defiant...'
There's nothing wrong with this, except that I didn't realise he was standing at all. It's not mentioned before this point and the last position you had mentioned him in, was being dragged by his feet with no muscle control, which created a mental image of him lying on the floor in the room he'd been dumped in. The situation I'd envisaged had to do a sudden about-face and necessitated a re-read.

3) 'The sting was reminiscent of...'
'gamma rich vacuum environments.' should be 'gamma-rich vacuum environments.'

Ch 21

1) 'No. We are not slaves...'
I thought this was Kenan talking, as the previous paragraph was his and he is talking about providing a little more explanation! Perhaps you could say who's talking here.

Ch 22

1) 'I have seen some major sub-assemblies...'
Can you start this a little earlier? David is obviously looking up at a spaceship, but we get no sense of this initially. Why does he look up at it? Does he hear a noise? Or does it cast a shadow? They'd be long at that time of day. Perhaps you could start at this point?

That's all. Is this sort of critique the sort of thing you're after, or does it just make you cross? I did the same thing for someone else, who also had a really well-written book, but I haven't heard back from him. I'm just hoping he's not annoyed with me, because it certainly wasn't my intention. Analysing a book to this extent takes hours, so if it's making people angry, I'll happily stop and just enjoy reading the novel. But I know this is the sort of critique I would love to get, so I hope you find it useful.

Good luck with the novel. I'll back it for you.

Sue

I just read the first five chapters. This is very well written and creative. It is not my usual genre, and I have to read it slowly to grasp some of the language/descriptions, but I will definitely read more!

Concise, vivid, reader-grabbbing opening scene. I'll be back.

And WHY did you take down the teasers? How dare you leave us hanging like this? I just finished the last of the posted chapters, and damn, this just keeps getting better! That was one helluva twist, and I think you've definitely got a page-turner here. I have a feeling that if this weren't being uploaded bit by bit, it'd be one of those books that I read in one long sitting...

BTW, picked up a handful of typos:

Chapter 17
“Sadness resided” – do you mean “sadness subsided”?

Chapter 19
“rolling past the ships belly” is missing an apostrophe

Chapter 21
“not even the pantheon military” Capitalize Pantheon?


Also, it's great how you manage to convey the tragedy involved in the twist without losing the attitude that gives your narrative that extra spark. Again, great job!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

Just re-read the old and the newly uploaded. Again, I can't even describe how much I love this book. I need you to have it published asap please so I can read it in real book form. The humor is stellar (no pun intended), and the characters just keep getting better and better. I would like a squabbit for myself. (:
Gosh, just can't wait to read more.

Hey

I don't usually read this genre, but I am glad I did. People say you need to begin your book with something really gripping, to grab the reader's attention, and draw them in - you have certainly done that!
This book is brimming with information, with good descriptions and imagery. Bizarre and brilliant. Will rate it 6 stars, and put you on my watchlist.

Wow. I am speechless. I've read a lot of stories - most of which are really good - but this one takes the cake. I was hooked in when I read the first paragraph in the prologue and couldn't help but think, "Yeah, I'm going to enjoy this one. Most definitely." I loved it. The way you described things was phenomenal and made everything so vivid within my mind. Fantastic job. Truly magnificent.

I've already added this to my watchlist and bookshelf, and I haven't even finished the second chapter! This is fantastic. Really vivid imagery, and the book obviously has a very well thought-out plot, I could tell from the first few paragraphs (sometimes I'm not even sure what it is I'm reading!). So yes, like I said, fantastic. Also, I can literally see and smell the devastation in the prologue, and I think it's great how you managed to do that.
I wish you the best of luck!
Devyn

This is really good, and I mean that. You have to finish it I need closure! The sci fi concepts are real bleeding edge stuff, and I did not see the twist coming. For all lovers of the genre this is a must read, far out and funny!

This is a really good book and you are a very good writer. I was expecting something completely different after reading your pitch. This book is written almost poetic. I am very impressed. Great job. Highest stars. Lacy

Read to chapter 5 with great interest. Fantastic detail with the world ending.

You have described the new universe. The clock and the morning grump made me smile.

I will carry on reading this one and add 5***** for the pleasure.

Great read

Rich - Jimmy Threepwood

The imagery is cool. Very trippy. The opening chapters are captivating for scifi fans. I would like to see more of a connection to the characters early on, though.

This is good work. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Read up to chapter five so far. I love it. Fantastic world-building with just the right mix of familiar and new to keep you grounded in the story, but still swept into a whole new world.
Your narration is excellent and great strokes of humour. (I love the alarm clock and the squabbit attack - brilliant name).
Love, love, love it! Will rate very highly and putting it on my bookshelf!

Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Hi,

Okay, firstly, let me point out than although I am a fan of sci-fi when it comes to tv/movies etc., I don't tend to read much in that genre, and I think that it is partly because a lot of the 'techno babble' as someone else dubbed it, goes straight over my head, threatening to make me want to skip a line or two to get to some dialogue or descriptions. But that's just me. That being said, you have created a very believable setting, with a really interesting main character who has a great, dry sense of humour. Great visuals in chapter one. Especially towards the end; gross, weird and funny all at the same time! Visuals like that, along with the humorous way in which the character narrates things, is what would make me keep reading.
Really good job. I will keep the book in my watchlist as I will quite possibly come back to it in a while.

Sarah
Awakening (The Golden Ones)

This is great! I love it. I will deinitely back it. It's the best thing I've read so far. Will read more later.

The prologue had a fantastic opening that pretty much hooked me from the start.
Gross. I like gross. The ending of chapter one left me wanting to keep reading. The bit with the alarm clock was quite funny. And when Jimo scratches his junk and touches the other guy's food...I laughed out loud. Well done. Not everyone succeeds at writing humor. By the second chapter, I really started catching on to your language and tone. And here you really start painting a great picture of your world for the reader. Some of the story centric tech terms went over my head (lacking explanation as to what they were), but didn't jolt me from the story because from context I could still imagine what was going on.
I've only just started but I'm loving your sense of humor. And your writing has a very nice flow. I'm keeping this story on hand for when I need a good laugh...

Eden
The Siren's Heart

This is not my normal choice of genre. I have to be honest, I have never read sci-fi, except for Fahreinheit 451. And because I am not accustomed to reading about things that are unlike my own life, a lot goes over my head. I don't think I have the experience to say much about the plot/setting but I will say this: you have great description skills and a wonderful imagination. This is a world made real.

-Cassandra Porter

My Pet Human,
J,
This is a very quirky book. Exciting and funny, but geeky and odd at times. It stands out in my mind as one of the more interesting sci-fi titles I have read in a while, but there is also something almost maladroit about it, a certain oddness with the language that is very hard for me to put my finger on. Part of it has to do with some conventions you use, like the use of < and >, which tend to switch on my analytical brain- I see them and say "greater than". You are not the only one that uses these, but combined with your liberal use of abbreviations they have that undesired effect on me. Another convention is *...* as a sectional change, which looks to me like "...", which invokes someone sitting there looking sheepish when it is their turn to speak. Also, the early Kenan sections are very geeky and full of techno babble. I am not sure how much this adds to the general ambiance- while the descriptions of the horrid smell that they emit, their segregation of their brains, the description of the ship and they way they transport, etc., really do add to your great ambiance. Any of these issues alone would not make a big difference, but all of them together make the read just a bit chunky for me. This detracts from the great story and plot arc.
I say this with hesitation, as I know that the techno babble is sometimes an essential component of a good sci-fi. So, to clarify, I am not suggesting you remove the descriptions, only the alphabet droppings.
Hook and Plot- Your chapter one is really gripping. Not sure what it has to do with anything, but it is really gripping. However, because of how chapter 2 begins, it comes across as a dream, and then I spent a while trying to figure out how Dave's life and hopes connected to it. This query kept me reading to chapter five (I think it was) when we first meet the hairy creature.
Now, I found myself unclear as to how or why Dave became so quickly depressed as to abandon work. You more or less fast-forward to him deciding to call in sick and his work not bothering to call him. I feel that you could flesh this out a bit more. However, you run a risk here, because you are already slowing down a bit with the first few chapters. Being bias to comedy, and as you do have a comic streak going, I would recommend that you consider breaching the gap with humour. If you make his condition at work a bit more amusing, it will carry on better. Another alternative would be to move the introduction of the little critter earlier and have him keep going to the office for a few days, coming home to find his apartment in shatters each time. This would allow us to be amused and look forward to him getting home, but still get the background about his tedium with his life. It is a bit like running the opening credits over the first scene of the movie rather than over a black screen. Whatever you do, please avoid summarizing, (that is what I call telling rather than showing.) The problem with starting out later in the narrative is that you are still going to fill in the reader into what Dave's life was like, and there might be a temptation to just summarize, taking a few paragraphs to tell us about his boring job and his hopes for transfer. You do this very little right now, and I would not want that to change.
After we get to the critter, the plot moves along in a very fun and exciting way. I really love the mental process of Kenan as he tries to figure out what to do with Dave. Although your humour is a bit crude at times, (with the whole scent marking and bad smell of the aliens particularly) when I think about how my dog behaves, it seems appropriate. You have a voyage-through-space plot hook, which, of course, feeds on itself, and has been the basis of many classics. However, please remember that the most exciting of these have a Telos- a goal you are going towards. It is something that Dante and Homer figured out, but Adams did without. Obviously, you are modeling on the latter rather than the former, but if you do present a clear, desired destination for Dave, it will bring me along better.
You may have one for Kenan. I am frankly a bit confused as to what he is doing with the last jump.
Character development- I think one of my issues here is that I don't feel very close to Dave. Even though you have told me of his aspirations and his job and his apartment and his relationship with his alarm clock, I do not feel very close to him. I suppose that you may be holding this for later in the narrative, but a few more scenes with him being just a bit introspective may be helpful. Again, I think his interaction with the critter is a great opportunity, because it frees him up to be himself while interacting with something sentient. Interactions with Kenan are also good opportunities, but those come a bit later, and it seems that it would be difficult to develop the character of someone who is busy holding down his lunch all the time.
Internal consistency- I think that it is very important that these worlds make sense internally. Frankly, I am still undecided on this, to a certain degree because my understanding of the sci got a bit jumbled in the language. For example, you tell me in the tidbits at the end that his parents were killed rather than transferred, because humans had no technology capable of taking them to the planet they were supposed to go to in their lifetimes. But Dave works on spaceship design, and knows a lot of details, including the amount of magnetism needed to keep a ship floating at a dock. So, why has he not figured out the sham? The alarm clock chases him mercilessly at first, but then confuses him with a glass of water...
The aliens also leave me doubting. Do they normally look humanoid, or is this a disguise for Dave's benefit? These are not huge things, and so I am not totally decided if this is an issue or not, but I thought i would mention it.
Kenan is mildly better developed in my mind, simply by virtue of the way he contemplates Dave and ponders on the other crew. It is a bit ironic that I feel closer to the alien character with less text devoted to him.
This is beginning to sound like a negative review. It is not. I read everything you posted because it kept me reading (plus you did not post 100,000 words). However, I think you could improve this for a reader like me.
Which you may not want or need to do, since a reader who is more sci-fi savvy may have a very different impression. However, I often felt while reading that I was not quite getting everything, like when you read in a language you don't know very well or listen to someone speaking with a strong foreign accent. The extra work by the reader may detract from the experience for some of us.
Well stared, but awaiting revisions before further action.
Best of luck with it,
Maeve

I love the feel of the book. I adore books that have an existing dictionary different than ours words like squabbit and hab remind me of Harry Potter, the creation of a realistic universe is akin to Middle Earth and if you keep up the humour it is reminiscent of Discworld. Bravo.

I can decide what I liked more; the imagination behind it or the fact that you took a break from the thought process in the story and acknowleged it.

I can decide what I liked more; the imagination behind it or the fact that you took a break from the thought process in the story and acknowleged it.

My Pet Human is a pleasant surprise. I really like the way you move your story along and the characters are real as well. Jimo is the kind of guy that I think most people have seen in real life, nicely done. And his boss, Ricardo, I think I worked for him once.
Good luck with this ‘script.

Tracy A (Odd Dwellers)

My Pet Human. I love the tone of your pitches, and eagerly click on.
Dramatic words in that Preface, but I still dont know what it's all about.
By £, I discover it really is ski-fi (have just gone back to check out your genre). Dont know why, but I thought you might be heading towards something fluffy and furry - like a canine.
But it's different - underwater.
That first paragraph could do with breaking up.
You have a colourful imagination.
Glancing over Nos.4-5, this is way above my head. Slow-moving somehow. But I loved the bursts of colour and action in the beginning.

You're right - I appreciate the invitation to a speedy exchange.
Multi-starred, and thanks for the glimpse!

Jane (Breath of Africa)

I am in love. Seriously, I was hooked immediately by the pitches and then when I started reading I was instantly pulled in to the universe you created. At first it had me thinking hitchhikers guide to the galaxy but this is exponentially more cohesive and real. I love the tone and narration and the humor is great. I'm only a few chapters in but stoked to keep reading. Great work!!

Bre
Memoria

J-

Wow. I've just read the first 2 chapters, and I'm already caught up in this world you've created (well, "world" may be the wrong word...) and will definitely be coming back to read more!

There are a few grammatical errors, but I know my own story is far from free of those. I'm intrigued--by the preface, the words I don't know, the idea of everyone being "attractive, slim, and boring"--and that makes me want to keep reading.

Going by what I've read so far, well done!

~AJ Kilbourn
Sons of Tundyel: The Prophecy

J-

Wow. I've just read the first 2 chapters, and I'm already caught up in this world you've created (well, "world" may be the wrong word...) and will definitely be coming back to read more!

There are a few grammatical errors, but I know my own story is far from free of those. I'm intrigued--by the preface, the words I don't know, the idea of everyone being "attractive, slim, and boring"--and that makes me want to keep reading.

Going by what I've read so far, well done!

~AJ Kilbourn
Sons of Tundyel: The Prophecy

I read through the first four chapters and I had to stop and tell you what I thought. In a word, Fantastic! Your world is so vivid and believable. I found myself sucked in, reading chapter after chapter, and before I knew it time had gotten away from me. Only had a few moments before returning to work after lunch but I got so involved I was late! The prologue is amazing. The one and only suggestion I have might be too loose the very last line. I think it reduces the impact of “Let it burn”. I also loved the way you slowly reveal that you’re in a dream in chapter two. This is great stuff. I will be giving this one 6 stars and will definitely give it time on my shelf as soon as I have room. Thanks so much for the read.

Wow. I loved the exuberance. I mentioned being a Phillip Palmer fan and this certainly fits into that pigeon hole. Great ideas, and I reckon you have pitched the voice about right (with a couple of provisos below).
A couple of things you might want to think about, with the usual caveats about it being one reader’s off-the-cuff impressions.
Firstly, I got a bit confused in the opening section as to what was and wasn’t déjà vu. You could consider using italics or a different font.
Having latched onto that idea, it stuck with me for the next few sections. There is a fine balance between providing the reader with a pleasurable sense of dislocation vs. leaving him confused. When you are throwing out ideas at the pace you are, it can be a fine line to balance.
For example, the scene with the alarm clock was perfect - the right mix of novelty and familiarity - whereas the following scene on the commute to work left me feeling a little bombarded.
As I understand it, we are still back in your prot.’s ordinary life, so one idea might be to try to push the mundane into the foreground with the weird and wonderful in the background. For example, you could modify a line like “even after these years, I’m still almost speechless” with something like, “if I bothered to look at it through wide-awake eyes”.
Just a couple of random thoughts. Hope they help.

Maurice

Hi

Love the avatar!

This is a fun and gripping plot. The dream sequence/internal interactive movie was very effective. The leviathon described as having teeth the size of razor trees was very vivid. Whilst I have never seen a razor tree, i have no doubt I could see one in my minds eye. i also liked the fact that it had "three massive eyes that glow with a deep wanton disregard for my wellbeing"; great turn of phrase.

This feels a little like Asimov and a lot like Douglas Adams. A popular genre but there is something very fresh and original about your writing.

Good luck.

All the best Crispy

Fantastic first chapter. Very hooked.
More soon,
Maeve