Monkey Town and Me

Stuart, I think you have provided important insight on the conditions of captive animals. Your writing style comes across as truthful and sincere. I like the gradual introduction to the subjects as being chimps. I don't think real life commentary/recollection needs to be 'literary' perfect. It is your voice and it is endearing. I think in this case cliche's are less important than if it were a fictional narrator. Only one that I thought should go is 'butterflies... found their wings and flew'. The appalling conditions of the animals and especially their behaviourial reactions is more profound that using similes and metaphors. There is no need to do this, your real tife descriptions are graphic enough. Only other area I noticed that could be revisited are the long paragraphs that could be broken down in half or even thirds. In one case (Chapt2) I think you may be able to combine the two long paragraphs and then break them down as the subject matter is very similar ... "The first monkeys we met..." and "I will never forget the first meeting..." Stuart I have watchkisted 'Monkey Town and me' and intend to read more as I am a big supporter of animals being kept in their own environment. best regards, Andrew Esposito / Killing Paradise

This is indeed a compelling read. I am sure if we were all educated as to the living conditions suffered by captive animals, most of them would be allowed their freedom. It is obvious from your story that you care deeply about primate welfare but you also draw attention to the poverty and ignorance which seems to go hand in hand with animal cruelty. It is a massive problem and I really admire you for drawing attention to it . I have awarded your work six stars and placed your book on my watchlist. I wish you the very best of luck with this. Yours Bea

I'm sure many people (including myself) have no idea that this sort of thing goes on. A very compelling story. You are, however, missing some necessary commas, as well as a few other minor errors. Perhaps, as someone else suggested, get someone to read it over thoroughly to help.

You are doing worthwhile work in highlighting the plight of these primates, many living in appalling conditions. Unfortunately in parts of Africa and Asia, where there is still an abundance of wildlife, little notice is taken of the welfare of captured animals or those bred in captivity. Have you thought of approaching a South African newspaper editor about writing an article, or being interviewed, on the book you're writing, thereby generating publicity (and a possible book deal)?

As others have indicated there are some grammar issues which should be addressed.

Camac Johnson
Untouchable

Dear Stuart
Thank you for sharing Monkey Town with us. It is incredibly sad to read about these animals' plight from an eye witness, because it's quite clear that you love those creatures dearly.
It would be good to read more about your personal inter-action with them. Tell us what you did, how the monkeys and chimps responded to you. For your book to move people into action they need to get to know them like you did,on personal level otherwise their plight remains distant.
I' m not sure if anyone else commented on this but I'd recommend finding a good editor to assist with English grammar as you don't want this to distract from the importance of your your message.
For example: Cara and I,not me and Cara; Sophie's baby was taken not took and the first one had been taken not had been took and we refer to different types of monkeys (plural); Cara said,I'll not ill show you round;
Afrikaans word for a barbecue is braai which you must write in italics because it is a foreign word.
All in all you have written enthusiastically,but it would great to see the finished product!
I've rated the story highly and have Monkey Town on my watch list.
I'd appreciate your input,comments etc on my first book when you find time.
Kind regards
Maretha/ African Adventures of Flame,Family,Furry and Feathered Friends

I've read quite a bit of your book. It's very well written. The description, action and emotion put the reader into the world of the main character and touches the heart. I'm giving it lots of stars and putting it on my watch list.
I have a teen sports mystery, Stopped Cold. I'd love it if you would come by to read it, back it, star it, etc.

You are doing the right thing. Only by educating the public can things change for the better. The story touched me especially when you mentioned the look in their eyes. I have seen that look before. In the eyes of young men at war, who have seen too much. They were still there,then again they weren't. We called that the thousand yard stare. Like all hope had been drained from their young lives.
Nice writing and keep up the good work. I left many stars.

This is cleverly written and the simplicity of style adds to the touching message. As a tool towards greater awareness, I believe this story could bring genuine benefit. Education is invariably a major part of animal conservation and as such, touching peole's hearts while increasing their awareness is a subtle and logical form of educating.
This is a deeply moving story and that is the main point. However, some editing is needed with regard mainly to grammar.
It is hard to call this entertaining - but in one sense it is. I certainly wish you enormous good luck with such an important message. On my watchlist and starred.

You were missing some commas here and there, and in the first paragraph you used the wrong "your" twice, but overall it was good. The content really got to me - while I've never been a big fan of monkeys or chimpanzees, this story was very touching. It makes me so sad to see how easily humans and animals are forgotten or abused. Rating and watchlisting it for now -

Peace and Snowflakes,
Nightskyfantasy

Dear Stuart, Thank you for contacting me. We are on the same wave length. I have put your book on my watch list,rated it and waiting for the rest of your book.
Most of the stories in my first book in the series The Africa I love are "based on truth" although I made them part of a story. The incident of the owl is much worse than I dare to describe to children whom I hope to influence to show consideration and kindness to animals. The good ones will have nightmares. Here where we live now the small children will get hold of a goat and try to pull it's hind legs to pieces even though she is highly pregnant, or shoot at crimson-breasted shrikes,tie donkeys legs for weeks so that there legs rot and get gangrene.Cows,goats,donkeys,baboons,if they can ride over them or do damage that is what happens. We try to see the good and help the animals,but it is often viewed with suspicion because we are foreigners.We lived on a plot in SA many years ago there we had an unofficial sanctuary,especially for dogs and birds,sometimes cats. I realize that some animals are only surviving but because they are in zoos etc, but these issues will remain burning ones.
please keep writing. Kind regards
Maretha/African Adventures of Flame..and Friens

Hi Stuart,

Here as part of our swap and I have to be honest with you. I emptied half of a container of tissues just on chapters one and two alone. True. I am a sap but your chosen words to describe what your furry friends went through, it honestly got to me. You have something special here but it does need some editing.

Some of the paragraphs are HUGE! And if you cut them down, maybe a few short sentences for effect, you'll go far. Also, 12,040 words in three chapters, I think you could drastically shorten them as well. Aim for 2,000 words per chapter or so. It will make reading more enjoyable. Instead of seeing... wow, I've got to read ALL of THAT in one chapter? People will be onto the next chapter before they realize it. You know? And some missing commas here and there but those are all very easily fixable.

Besides that stuff, I think you have a gem here. You lived it, you were there. This kind of insight cannot be faked and you've done a wonderful job of putting me into your shoes, showing me what is happening out there, right now. It is terrifying. Makes me want to fly out there right now and do something, anything.

Just a question for you... Is Roberta Afrikaans? I got that from the way you wrote how she speaks... my husband is from South Africa and I picked up some of the wording. If she is, perhaps put that in there, it may help with other Saffas finding a common ground with some of the people in your book. Maybe others might think that is a dumb, idiotic idea, but I think it is a good one!

Anyhow, highly starred and saving a spot on my bookshelf for you near the middle of May!

Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

Hi stuart

I do like animals but like many I do not interact with them as much as I would like; I think it is probably a sad fact that the people who are able to interact with them are themselves in a poverty trap which causes them to have less regard for animals, their own life cycle also being a hard struggle; however it is such a good cause that I wish you luck.
Someone once said that a good book is not about good ideas and or story line but more about editing and indeed perseverance of the author, I know this is true because of the difficulty I have with writing.
You have my support
Good luck and good editing

Peter

On my watch list and starred for the part that I read. A worthy cause in trying to raise awareness of these, and other, animals plight. Well done

Rated 6 stars

Hey,
I chose to read this as it was about animals. I love them.
Conditions animal are kept in are awful, and i find story like these hard to read.
But the bit i did read i loved and it was very well written.
I dunno if i dare read more or if ill just cry like a baby.
Lol
EllenMichelle :)
'A Model's Summer'

Hi Stuart, I chose to read this as soon as you pitched me as I had just received some photos via facebook from my daughter who along with my son are spending a month at Hanas animal sanctuary in Namibia.
You heartfelt story of the chimps conditions made me thankful there are people like you in the world.
Please upload more soon. Hard but engaging reading.
All the best Karamak faking it in France.

Re your message, Monkey Town seems to be a terribly badly-run 'monkey sanctuary' of sorts, apparently resulting in routine cruelty to its primate inmates. The reason for the diverse types of primates to be there in the first place is not made immediately clear, and evidence of the cruelty could be more scientific and specific; but as it is, the whole cause is somewhat buried under a mountain of metaphors pertaining to the discomforts of the narrator. Monkey Town sounds a horrible place, but [in my opinion only] the book needs radical editing and a cool-headed voice if it is to effect any real change. This seems a worthwhile cause though, so best of luck with it...

Hi Stuart
Wonderfully sad story. It does need lots of editing, but the messages are still there. It would break my heart too, to see such suffering. Hopefully your book and the YouTube video will achieve something for these animals.
Good luck!
Jenny
Liebling - an adventurous life

I too am an animal lover and what a sad story you tell. It is truly heartbreaking that so many animals all over the world are so abused, especially this particular species. I wonder if it is because they are so close to human that we forget they cannot speak for themselves. It is wonderful that you are telling their story as this truly must be told.
I give you full stars for your effort and support your cause. I hope we can be friends.
Blessings, Joy God's Gracious Gift

This is well written. You have months and year recorded with places.Monkey are abused there. You commented how you felf left a jonb in England and went to east africa and seeing these monkeys are abused. Well reported and should be published to let the world now. to get them freed. Weldone

Hi Stuart,

Wow. What a heartbreaking story! I would love to hear more about the situation if you end up adding chapters. Animals are so special, and trusting - its such a shame to come across ones (too many of them) who are abused, neglected, and frightened. I pray your story reaches many and makes a difference, especially in Monkey Town!

God bless,
RJ Stanley
Why Didn't Someone Tell Me? The Truth About Love

Hello

A truly heart-wrenching tale. I have seen this happen with horses and it hurts when there is nothing you can do to save them. The story draws you in and you've done a great job of showing their plight. I see some of the others have brought out the points of repitition so I won't say it again. However, when it is done sparingly, it can slam a point to the reader. There's a fine art to it and I only have begun to figure it out myself. I wish you the best of luck with this.

Thanks for sharing
Jennifer Killby: The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

This is well written and heart breaking. A little repetitive at times but you are making such strong points that it makes sure it hammers the message home to the reader. Through reading this I have so much more sympathy for their plight and it makes me angry this kind of thing still goes on in the world. Good luck with this book.
Regards
Maya
"Away With The Mountains"

This work really tugs on the heart strings. Even if you are not particularly into monkeys I would defy anyone not to be touched by your story. When I was a kid I nagged my parents to let me have a monkey. I got a rabbit instead. Not quite the same but still an animal ha. I must admit I have to agree with Sharda that you waste a lot of your writing on repetition. For example in the 1st April 09 part there are a lot of references to brick walls. In July 2006 there are many repetitions of the words I remember. From the date the reader is aware that this is drawn from the past. Present day repeats the work scream and feeling a lot. Do you see what I mean? This repetition slows the pace of the story down and stops it being fluent. Don't take offence at these comments. They are meant to be helpful and are very easily remedied. You have the makings of a fantastic book here so keep at it.

Kim (Pain)

Stuart this is gripping and heart-rending stuff. You write with a passion and emotional intensity which really draws the reader in. I think it's wonderful. Well done. I have a lot of sympathy for the messages of the book.

My only 2 slight crits would be (a) you need a good editor (or to really go through yourself with a red pen taking out anything which is repetitive) and, (b) leave slightly more space for the reader. Describe what you saw, smelt and heard and let reader join the dots more. You lose some pathos when the writing is too 'campaigning'. Now I'm all for campaigns, I spent most of my student life on one march or another, so I say that from the heart. You make more of an impact when your writing is slightly more detached, it's sad but true. And you stand much more chance of publication if you cut it down and tone it down just slightly.

All the best,
Will happily give you 5 stars.
Sharda.
i think we were doing a reading swap, so pls take a look at mine when you have time. Honest crit welcome!!
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Stuart,
Indeed, I'm an animal lover and instantly loved your story. It's so well written and rich with life. I'm so glad I took some time to read it and not just skim past it which can often happen on this site. I loved your long pitch by the way, it's very powerful. I hope for this to be published as more people need to know about this situation, more needs to be done. I have no grammatical corrections as nothing I noticed took away from your story.
Thanks for an amazing read.
Karlee - Chained
I would love to hear your opinion on my novel as well if you ever have some spare time to check it out :)

Stuart, I believe I may have forgotten to mention that I promoted you and yer monkey buddies on my webbie recently. A good read and a worthy cause--best of luck with it!

E.R.

Well written and on my watchlist.

The writing in this book is so good that I felt I was almost there. Initially, I resisted picking it up as I assumes (wrongly) that it would cram all sorts of animal rights messages down my throat. I am VERY glad I read it and wish I had done sooner; the reader makes up their own mind and I couldn't help but put myself in that position.

Well written.

Johanna

Hi
Sorry it has taken me a while to get back to you - this is such a beautifully writtent book which allows the reader to gain an understanding and build a picture in their mind - it really makes you think about this situation and how more should be done- so overall this is a good read and I wish you luck

Steph

I expected 'Monkey Town and Me' to be long on message and short on good writing, but was pleasantly surprised. You use very good writing to get your message across. I only glanced at Chap.1 and watchlisted it, but hope to get back to it with more specific comments when I've read more. Good work. Anne ("Polly")

Witnessing any kind of abuse, whether it be animal or even child abuse, its difficult to know what the best thing is to do. Its not always as easy or as straight forward as people think, and in your book you have managed to capture every thought, every doubt and every emotion regarding the difficult choice one has to make.
Your words touch me. I feel real pain for those animals and hope and pray that things will change. I know how it feels to constantly think that the worst could be happening. Seeing abuse makes you think that way.
'Monkey town and me' is written extremely well. It has a storyline which I'm sure many people will respect and be interested in. Rated hightly.
Good luck with your work.
Junetee(Four Corners)
,

If I told you you are an excellent writer but are wasting your good prose and an animal story, would you be angry? I mean I like animals too. In fact, when I was a kid, Idrove me mother crazy, bringing a new animal home every other day. She would grtab her head and say, "Mark, this is not a Zoo!!!"
However, I only read the first chapter and these monkeys may become endearing to you readers, still I felt your writing was goods and deserved a better storyline.

Hi Stuart,
Well done! Not only a very good book in its own right, but I applaud your efforts to raise awareness of the reality of such situations. It is nothing new of course, but it is a shame that such situations still occur.
Best of luck with it.
Regards,
Uncas

Amazing story - heartwrenching. I was just reading about the way rhinos are butchered for their horn and left to suffer in pain. It is an outrage. Thank you for your book. I hope you do well on this site.
Liz

Hi Stuart,

I'm glad you sent me your message. I read what you have. I've seen stories like this before. Heart-wrenching doesn't even begin to say it right.

I have a question - why does this Monkey Town even exist? From what I could tell, it's some sad attempt to raise money for the owners, and people justify it by saying that in time there will be enough people or resources to 'help more monkeys'. But even the workers knew that was naive.

I have a real problem with animals being held in any captivity at all, no matter how good the zoo is or what people are trying to accomplish. Can humans imagine being kept to live in such restraint and torment for their lives? I would die of emotional trauma very quickly, even in good conditions.

Animals are far smarter than humans give them credit for. The only light in your story was seeing their distinct personalities shine through, though I can see they're so broken. I know many people believe things can be changed, but honestly I think the best thing to do would be to shut down all animal centers and captivities and simply leave animals in the wild. Now I know, that, given human nature to exploit everything and every creature this is an unrealistic expectation, but I don't see any other solution.

I have a real problem with people keeping birds as caged pets for very similar reasons.

I love animals very much. They do live hard lives in the wild, but what humans inflict upon them is so often disgusting, I think it's best we left them alone. I wish I knew what advice to give, what more to say . . .

What a touching story and so well written!

I'm not really into biographies but this is easy to read and captivating from the first sentence, the way you mix the information with the extensive and very personal approach works really well.

I hope you go far with this as it is a story that needs telling, on my watch list!

Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

Compelling, heart-wrenching story-telling. I braced myself before starting to read, but it is difficult to be prepared for the cruelty described. This is a story that needs to be told and one that I read with gripping pain - and could not forget.
Highly starred by me.
Maria (Georgina's Family)

I love animals and cannot stand to see them hurt after watching the video, I braced myself for Monkeytown and Me. I have read the first 3 chapters and am horrified, bless you for raising the issue. This book needs to be promoted as people should be aware of this. My little niece (13) is doing a project on animal cruelty in school, she was looking at rabbits but after this I have convinced her to look at monkies . With so many animal lovers out there you have a great market for selling this, also I think it needs sold as situations like this are happening all over the world.
I cannot read anymore now as it will take me a while to get used to what I have read. I will never understand why innocents get hurt .
Be assured this book is one of those that stays with the reader, not an easy thing to achieve, well done.
Highly starred from me

Jayne (gjas78)

As someone with a keen interest in animal welfare ( my family donates to animal welfare charities before all else) and as someone who appreciates good writing, I am more than happy to back this. There is obviously a lot more to come.

Regards Philip John

One other thing I wanted to comment on... I am an animal lover so naturally your story touched me
deeply. I am also an animal advocate. Your story needs to be told. Thank you so much for writing this great book!

T.L. Doutrich
Lilly and Thomas, Throne of Pidl

Well written! I like the way your story flows. It's told well and moves at
a great pace. Keep up the good work!

Backed with pleasure!

T.L. Doutrich
Lilly and Thomas, Throne of Pidl

Stuart. I'm going to go with the assumption that you are looking for a publisher...or a producer.
So I'm going to tell you how to get there.
First, finish up. You have an emotional story here, one that will go far if you can get it out.
Second. And this is the most important. Your writing is pretty good, even compelling at times, but if you want to get this out and do it quickly, find a professional editor...or someone who is very, very good at technical writing and editing and have them go through and structure it.
Or, and this is a distinctly strong possibility, find a script writer (generally any video production company will have someone) and turn it into a short film for a local film festival. You will have no trouble finding investors...a little research on PETA donors etc and a well written proposal should do the trick.
You have a topic here that will fly anywhere you take it.
Best of luck. Let me know when you finish, and what you decide to do with it.

Thankyou for raising the awareness of the horrors these intelligent creatures have to endure. Please continue your good works and get this one out there. Penny

Stuart, I read your three chapters. Oh my goodness, but this breaks my heart. I too love animals and your descriptions of these chimpanzees living in the conditions you've described is hard for me to read. But I'm glad you've used your talent as a writer to express your love and concern for them. I'm glad you're making people aware. It must have been so upsetting to go there with the intent of helping to find that it's much worse and more corrupt of a situation than you had probably imagined. I'm sure you were a great comfort to the chimps because obviously they responded to you with love. I got so angry over that guy with the chain saw. What an idiot. I hope you finish this book and I hope it gets published as a top seller in every market around the world. I believe there would be some changes made and some people held accountable for their actions. May God open the door for you to get this story out there for the world to see. Thank you for the invitation to read your story. julie

Hello Stuart.
and thank you for bringing us all this true story 'Monkey town and Me-

The three chapters posted make for impressive, informative and sad reading;
Written in a very easy to read style this story of yours has the potential to go places;
maybe to make the film screen'

good luck with it - highly recommended
tom bye
book-from hugs to kisses'
Please oblige and read some of my true story , thanks

Stuart;
What a sad story and yet one that needs to be told!!!
I read all three chapters and with the exception of some repetition I didn't notice many writing flaws. Certainly nothing a good editor won't be able to fix.
Highly starred and on my WL. Can't wait to read more, job well done:)
Elke

A really enjoyable read so far! It's good that you've written something like this, not many people are aware how monkeys get mistreated. Written well and easy to follow. On my WL and highly rated! :-)

I got to read all three chapters! I love monkeys of all kinds I am a monkey lover. I do like the story line, and enjoy the way you told the story. How ever because it is a biography you don't need any suspense in it. Tell things the way they are when you are telling the story. Don't leave anything out or it can get confusing.
Thanks for messaging me. Keep up the good work! I'll continue to read more when the time comes! :)

This is terrible for animals to be treated this way, it makes me sick just thinking of it. But I am glad that you are writing a book like this so that people out that are able to see and understand what does happen in the world even though we all liked to pretend that we don't know. No animal deserves to be abused, and the people that do abuse animals are sick. There needs to be harsher punishments.
I hope your book does well and that people will continue to read and promote it. I can't wait to read more.