The World Is (Not) A Cold Dead Place

Marry me? (Haha just kidding....unless the answer's yes)

I loved it. I got through five chapters, and I'm backing it. I don't think I'll ever take it off my shelf, because you have something special here, and it really does deserve to make it all the way to the top.

I don't know if you've ever read the Dexter series by Jeff Lindsay, but Gary reminds me of Dexter, (of course sans the serial killer thing) in the way that he describes his little everyday annoyances with such disdain for the human race. I could instantly relate to him. Normally I dislike a lot of inner chatter with main characters, but you made it work. His inner monologue is the driving force behind this novel.

As I said, I got through five chapters, and I'm not really sure where it's going so far, but inexplicably it doesn't make much difference to me- I feel like I know Gary, and just listening to him talk is enough. His interactions with Brian are probably my favorite part. I like how you show us things about him, aside from the 'anger' he feels is his predominant emotion. The way he'd have liked to help the handicapped man, but his OCD held him back- how rude he was to his parents, but the guilt that made him apologize- little things like that make a generally unrelatable character instantly relatable, because te audience can tell that he's not just a rude robot.

The only thing that I think you could work on, if you were so inclined, was more description of the surroundings. I know you touched on it, and it was fine. Everything works regardless, without flowering descriptions of Birkenhead's every minute detail, because Gary's voice is so clear and irritated.

I don't know if this helped you much, sometimes I'm not as articulate as I think I should be, but I just wanted you to know that I loved it and wish you all the best.

Melissa

This is really is terrific stuff, Nathan. Highly starred and on my shelf.

The prose is very smooth with an engagingly conversational, almost chatty feel which immediately allows the reader to identify with Gary and his emotional plight. The dialogue feels real and purposeful and helps add tremendous energy to the scenes as well as providing ample opportunity for often very funny comic exchanges. Gary comes across as a clearly very troubled but extremely sympathetic young man. As a reader, you can't help but root for him as he battles to make his way in what feels - particularly from Gary's mentally vulnerable perspective - like a very hostile, unwelcoming world.

The town of Birkenhead almost feels like a character in itself - unkempt and forlorn but with a lingering inner resilience - cleverly mirroring Gary's own predicament. The plot feels well thought out and involving and, due to the mixture of comedy and pathos, should appeal to a broad cross section of readers. I particularly enjoyed your use of often quite bleak, darkly tragic comedy to undercut the mounting desperation Gary feels as his life spirals out of control. There's always a danger in a novel like this of the narrative becoming too intense, too emotionally draining and your use of absurdist comedy helps both to provide the reader with an emotional respite whilst also somehow helping to make Gary's character feel even more real and engaging. Clever stuff.

In short, a very stylish, original piece of work that will resonate with the reader long after they've stopped reading. Thanks and best of luck. A

It is a tribute to the writing skills of this author that we can feel, often within the same chapter, empathy and irritation in equal measures for the main character, Gary.

The setting is the urban sprawl and decay of a Wirral town, Birkenhead, in the North-west of England and the book cover reflects the themes of the book: Gary is stranded, abandoned and isolated because of his Obsessive Compulsive Behaviour.

His disability heightens his perception of the world around him; one that increasingly enrages him to the point where he has almost lost the ability to compromise and understand others. For this reason, the book has particular resonance in Britain today, where the political ideology of 'tough love', in relation to welfare benefit claimants, is in the ascendency. The nonsense of this ideology is highlighted by Gary's situation: he is, in his current state of health, and given the service sector predominance of the labour market - unemployable. Yet he is under pressure to work from the psychologist he is requred to visit. We are given a real insight, at this point, of the pressure welfare claimants, like Gary, are under to conform to an unbending system for the sake of political expediency.

Chapter one starts brilliantly - with Gary harangued on a station platform by someone who appears mentally unstable. Gary is subjected to an almost demented rant, and my expectation was that the haranguer would be an unemployed beggar. These expectations were confounded when the stranger is revealed to be a well-dressed, apparently middle-class, commuter. This effectively put Gary's own health difficulties into a wider social persective and context.

There is striking and creative use of imagery: the image of snakes intertwining as Gary views pornography, and relevant references to contemporary films, i.e. 'Jacob's Ladder'. And, in that context, Gary's isolation, and own rants on life reminded me on occasions of 'Yosser Hughes' from Bleasdale's classic, 'Boys from the Blackstuff', also set in and around the Wirral area. There are also many scenes that linger in the mind because of their black comedy. In particular, the way a disabled man in the wheelchair is treated by Gary - who is reluctant, because of OCD worries about germs, to press a traffic light button to help the man cross!

The first person narrative worked well for understanding the effect of OCD on the perceptions of the main character. However, it also has its limitations, and is I suggest the main drawback in the book.
Gary is from a middle-class background, and, whilst he rejects his parent's approaches, his observations on life can be seen to reflect certain middle-class values. Gary's observations, for example, on 'chavs' and 'scally' characters reflect the prevailing intolerant ideologies toward unemployed people, and some readers might find confirmation for their own negative stereotypes of working class people in Gary's tirades.. It can also be wearing, if not exhausting at times, for the reader to be so close and unrelieved to Gary's bruised perspectives

The exclusive first person narrative limits too, our understanding of the motives and perceptions of other significant characters in the book, in particular Brian, the Psychologist, Gary's parents, and the two friends who appear in ch. 6.

I felt that a book containing a number of other first person narratives might allow one or both of his parents to explain Gary's history from their perspectives; it could allow Brian to explain his response to, and treatment of, Gary; and it could explain why his two friends, particularly the woman, persist with him. This particulary chapter (6) struck me as the most unlikely and unconvincing, although another perspective and voice at this point could have made the difference to this.

I felt too, that I wanted more detail of the mean streets of Birkenhead alongside the excellent descriptions of its inhabitants, as the nature of environment might give more insight into the human responses for readers outside (and even inside) Britain.

This is a very interesting book; certainly one to watch on this site.

Colin Neville

Well, I think any lingering ambition you may hold to be given the freedom of Birkenhead has gone for a burton.

I've read the first two chapters so far, and without sounding like a poncy reviewer, it really grabbed me by the lapels and forced me to take notice. I like the fact Gary can be extremely eloquent and gave both the passenger on the platform and his psychotherapist a tough time for invading his private world. The first person narrative is chilling, and an unemployed social misfit is boundlessly more interesting if he has a way with words and can deeply philosophise about the world around him. I've already got sympathy for world this poor sod inhabits, and many of his musings will be shared by the rest of us. This is writing and characterisation that has a real punch, and a place on my shelf WILL become available over the next few days, when I've fulfilled my contractual obligations with other books. Very smart and tough writing - really well done.

Hi Nathan,
What a thoroughly unlikable main character. In fact, I didn’t like any of the characters I met in the thirteen chapters posted. This, therefore, makes it all the more impressive that I was utterly captivated. I disagree with many of the comments about there not being enough going on in the first chapter because people have short attention spans and can’t cope with long paragraphs. I thought it was very well crafted and I enjoyed how the storyline unfolds.
Chapter Eight was a little overwhelming in terms of the sheer amount of detail regarding the cleaning. I can’t help but feel that such was the intensity of this behaviour relating to hygiene/cleanliness compulsion, that it should have been more apparent previously – surely Gary can’t switch it on and off. It could have been introduced earlier and infused to a greater or lesser degree through all chapters other than the ranting ones. Before the flat cleaning, the major incidents relating to this aspect are the one at the pedestrian crossing incident of Chapter Five and the reference to the coins in the shop in Chapter Seven. You could move this description of coin cleaning to the time of paying for shopping in Chapter Three. Examples of other possible situations where this compulsion could be developed are: in the station in the first chapter; on Brian’s chair/couch – think how many other grubby Merseysiders have sat on it before him; having to touch the wheelie bin when chucking out the porn; worrying excessively about the lack of control over cleanliness when either his parents or friends are in his home.
The writing is compelling, flows smoothly and the work in its entirety is largely free of errors except in the areas of apostrophes (confusion with possessive, plurals, contractions) and hyphenated words. I’d be happy to point out those I spotted if you wish. If not, the one correction you should probably make is in your long pitch where it should be “friends” rather than “freinds"
Altogether I thought this was excellent, exactly the kind of book I would seriously consider buying from a bookstore. I hope it ends up in one.
I wish you every success.
Best

Thanks so much Effie.

Nathan, this is brilliant! A fantastic portrayal of the relationship between psychiatrist and patient, the dialogue doesn't seem forced, and manages to be almost colloquial without the need for slang. I love Gary's total disdain for the rest of the human race, and the first chapter is brilliant in a true-to-life kind of way.
I think this is something a lot of readers will be able to relate to, and will fall in love with. I wish you the best of luck with it, and would love to read the rest!!
Effie.

Nathan, this is brilliant! A fantastic portrayal of the relationship between psychiatrist and patient, the dialogue doesn't seem forced, and manages to be almost colloquial without the need for slang. I love Gary's total disdain for the rest of the human race, and the first chapter is brilliant in a true-to-life kind of way.
I think this is something a lot of readers will be able to relate to, and will fall in love with. I wish you the best of luck with it, and would love to read the rest!!
Effie.

Nathan, this is brilliant! A fantastic portrayal of the relationship between psychiatrist and patient, the dialogue doesn't seem forced, and manages to be almost colloquial without the need for slang. I love Gary's total disdain for the rest of the human race, and the first chapter is brilliant in a true-to-life kind of way.
I think this is something a lot of readers will be able to relate to, and will fall in love with. I wish you the best of luck with it, and would love to read the rest!!
Effie.

Nathan, this is brilliant! A fantastic portrayal of the relationship between psychiatrist and patient, the dialogue doesn't seem forced, and manages to be almost colloquial without the need for slang. I love Gary's total disdain for the rest of the human race, and the first chapter is brilliant in a true-to-life kind of way.
I think this is something a lot of readers will be able to relate to, and will fall in love with. I wish you the best of luck with it, and would love to read the rest!!
Effie.

Nathan, this is brilliant! A fantastic portrayal of the relationship between psychiatrist and patient, the dialogue doesn't seem forced, and manages to be almost colloquial without the need for slang. I love Gary's total disdain for the rest of the human race, and the first chapter is brilliant in a true-to-life kind of way.
I think this is something a lot of readers will be able to relate to, and will fall in love with. I wish you the best of luck with it, and would love to read the rest!!
Effie.

Nathan, this is brilliant! A fantastic portrayal of the relationship between psychiatrist and patient, the dialogue doesn't seem forced, and manages to be almost colloquial without the need for slang. I love Gary's total disdain for the rest of the human race, and the first chapter is brilliant in a true-to-life kind of way.
I think this is something a lot of readers will be able to relate to, and will fall in love with. I wish you the best of luck with it, and would love to read the rest!!
Effie.

Lindsey, first of all, thanks for writing such an in depth crit of my book.

You've raised a lot of interesting points. I have to take issue with one or two of them however. Particularly your comment about Gary's manner of speech. You say it's ridulucous and unrealisitc, but i really do know lots of people who talk that way, in fact i myself do. I realise not everyone does, but in circles i have moved in, it's not uncommon. Maybe that's a regional thing, something that happens within the types of social groups i have moved in etc. Even if it is uncommon, then that is something that sort of sets Gary apart a bit.

Re your comments about Gary's character and how the Social Anxiety Disorder, it really wouldn't necessarily limit his command of language or the way he speaks, the two are not necessarily linked. These elements of gary are based on people I have known, the way i was myself when i started writing the book, and bits i have picked up working in the mental health field for a few years. Gary is clearly neurotic as you point out, but the anger you mention is a huge part of his character too- not sure how much you read, but this anger does at times explode into acts of slightly impotent violence, and is discussed with the therapist. Regarding the point about keeping his thoughts inward with Brian, generally, therapy sessions would be a place were someone like gary would let everything out, many people in therapy do use these sessions to say things they would never normally say. It's the one place someone in therapy should feel they can say exactly what they think, and really unload (like Tony Soprano says to Dr Melfi- 'what happens in here, its like taking a shit').
As for not having edited, well, believe me i have. You think the dialogue is over the top now? You should read some earlier drafts. I have cut huge swathes of dialogue and narrative out, as well as Gary's entire backstory. yes, maybe more editing is neede, but i think i am probably not inclined to do as much as you think i should.

As for poor grammer, i'll take a good look at that, i do make mistakes there, partly due to dyslexia, but primarily due to carelessness, and the lack of understanding of puntuation etc that seems to afflict many people. Apostaphes are used to show plurality when the noun doesnt end with an 's' though isn't it? Lack of commas, that is partly just a stylistic thing i think, but again also due to carelessness i'm sure.
From all i can gather from people who have spoken to professionals in the field, i don't think people reject on the grounds of poor grammer on the whole, but you're certainly right that it's best to have your work as polished as possible.

And i didnt think you were picking on me, you've given a really good crit and i hugely appreciate it, and havn;t loat site of the fact that you also said some nice things about it!

Thanks again.

Hi Nathan,

Primarily I want to say that you've got a good underlying concept and your book has potential. I'm a big fan of Dostoevsky, and this work resonates with some of his characters (if you haven't read any yet, you should).

To be quite honest with you, this book isn't ready for publication. It's littered with grammatical errors: lack of comma placement, apostrophes on words that are meant to be plural, and the usual overdone vocabulary of a writer who hasn't gone through a tough editing process yet. I do believe this book will be published one day, but you'll need to do quite a bit of sprucing up before you get there.

Your first chapter is interesting, though as a reader I don't know they're on a subway until halway through it. I actually thought your narrator was the first speaker. To avoid confusion and establish immediate tone, you could start with a sentence that sets up your scene. Something simple along the lines of the man edging in closer in the confined space. This gives a solid hook; readers want to know what this crazy man is, instead of a huge block of dialogue.

The man's dialogue is good, a bit long in places, but interesting. Gary's dialogue, however, is pretentious and with a ridiculous and unrealistic vocabulary. Your character would not speak this way based on how he is described. Social anxiety tends to lead to awkward dialogue that doesn't flow due to an abundance of analyzing during the speech. Even if your character reads only 18th century novels, he wouldn't speak like this, and it's jarring for the reader who has to sort through expired word use to figure out what the MC is saying. We also don't find out his name until much later, which can be a bit of a put-off to your reader.

I've also found after a few chapters that I don't have a sense of what is really going on. There isn't much urgency to keep me reading, and your character is so unrealistic that I can't sympathize with him. I want to read more about his tics and habits, about what makes him the way he is, about his insecurities. He comes off as brash and cocky, when his personality would be more reserved, more filled with thought than action. For example in the scene with the psychiatrist, having him think these angry thoughts but never say them would be very interesting as opposed to him blowing up all the time with little provocation. This turns him into a character with anger problems, much less the neurotic and socially awkward man I think you're trying to embody.

Another area to work on is tightening the narrative. Some paragraphs are too long, contain more information than necessary without being funny or stylish, and some sections don't need to be there at all, such as his "telling" thought processes. I would rather read his actions than his thoughts. This is to say, if the weird man on the bus is making him uncomfortable, show it in his body language, show it in his thoughts in a non-expository way.

So, overall, I hope you realize I'm not picking on you. I'm offering you a serious critique because these are the things that are causing your rejection letters from publishers and agents. A good thing to remember is that many professionals in the field have so many manuscripts on their desks that sometimes incorrect grammar can be enough to make them toss it. If a writer isn't seriously enough to use a comma properly, then he isn't ready for the gruelling process of editing, you see? You're best to pick up a style manual (Chicago is my choice, not sure about UK, I'm in Canada), and find out where your problems lie so you can fix them before you think about sending it out.

I freelance edit professionally, but I'd be willing to take a thorough look at this on me if you'd be willing. I really like your premise and I want to see you and this book succeed. Send me a line if you're interested, and good luck with this!

Hi Nathan,

Primarily I want to say that you've got a good underlying concept and your book has potential. I'm a big fan of Dostoevsky, and this work resonates with some of his characters (if you haven't read any yet, you should).

To be quite honest with you, this book isn't ready for publication. It's littered with grammatical errors: lack of comma placement, apostrophes on words that are meant to be plural, and the usual overdone vocabulary of a writer who hasn't gone through a tough editing process yet. I do believe this book will be published one day, but you'll need to do quite a bit of sprucing up before you get there.

Your first chapter is interesting, though as a reader I don't know they're on a subway until halway through it. I actually thought your narrator was the first speaker. To avoid confusion and establish immediate tone, you could start with a sentence that sets up your scene. Something simple along the lines of the man edging in closer in the confined space. This gives a solid hook; readers want to know what this crazy man is, instead of a huge block of dialogue.

The man's dialogue is good, a bit long in places, but interesting. Gary's dialogue, however, is pretentious and with a ridiculous and unrealistic vocabulary. Your character would not speak this way based on how he is described. Social anxiety tends to lead to awkward dialogue that doesn't flow due to an abundance of analyzing during the speech. Even if your character reads only 18th century novels, he wouldn't speak like this, and it's jarring for the reader who has to sort through expired word use to figure out what the MC is saying. We also don't find out his name until much later, which can be a bit of a put-off to your reader.

I've also found after a few chapters that I don't have a sense of what is really going on. There isn't much urgency to keep me reading, and your character is so unrealistic that I can't sympathize with him. I want to read more about his tics and habits, about what makes him the way he is, about his insecurities. He comes off as brash and cocky, when his personality would be more reserved, more filled with thought than action. For example in the scene with the psychiatrist, having him think these angry thoughts but never say them would be very interesting as opposed to him blowing up all the time with little provocation. This turns him into a character with anger problems, much less the neurotic and socially awkward man I think you're trying to embody.

Another area to work on is tightening the narrative. Some paragraphs are too long, contain more information than necessary without being funny or stylish, and some sections don't need to be there at all, such as his "telling" thought processes. I would rather read his actions than his thoughts. This is to say, if the weird man on the bus is making him uncomfortable, show it in his body language, show it in his thoughts in a non-expository way.

So, overall, I hope you realize I'm not picking on you. I'm offering you a serious critique because these are the things that are causing your rejection letters from publishers and agents. A good thing to remember is that many professionals in the field have so many manuscripts on their desks that sometimes incorrect grammar can be enough to make them toss it. If a writer isn't seriously enough to use a comma properly, then he isn't ready for the gruelling process of editing, you see? You're best to pick up a style manual (Chicago is my choice, not sure about UK, I'm in Canada), and find out where your problems lie so you can fix them before you think about sending it out.

I freelance edit professionally, but I'd be willing to take a thorough look at this on me if you'd be willing. I really like your premise and I want to see you and this book succeed. Send me a line if you're interested, and good luck with this!

Thank you very much for the comment Clare, very generous praise, and the comparison to Pahlahnuik is incredibly flattering!

Is it wrong to feel like you have so much in common with Gary? (ideologically)
He is certainly very persuasive.
And that's the thing, he is real from the moment he edges his way down that platform without communicating with his fellow train passenger until he really needs to.
I love his understated contempt for Brian with his man boobs and I like the honesty with which he confronts his lack of appetite for porn. That's as far as I've got so far, I'm going back for more.
Really good stuff.
On my shelf for a long time.

I've not read as much of Chuck Palahniuk as I would like (shame on me) but the ability to tell an uncomfortable story like you do through Gary reminds me of the skill with which Palahniuk does the same thing.
Best of luck.

Is it wrong to feel like you have so much in common with Gary? (ideologically)
He is certainly very persuasive.
And that's the thing, he is real from the moment he edges his way down that platform without communicating with his fellow train passenger until he really needs to.
I love his understated contempt for Brian with his man boobs and I like the honesty with which he confronts his lack of appetite for porn. That's as far as I've got so far, I'm going back for more.
Really good stuff.
On my shelf for a long time.

I've not read as much of Chuck Palahniuk as I would like (shame on me) but the ability to tell an uncomfortable story like you do through Gary reminds me of the skill with which Palahniuk does the same thing.
Best of luck.

very interesting...well an truly rated!!!
best of luck

Very entertaining and well-written read. I can find no fault with it. As a suggestion, I'd only remove the line "still continuing his diatribe" as this made obvious by the next line (and ensuing rant). Your writing has a pleasant rhythm to it. Backed! Jared

Nathan, I want to say this is excellent writing. The persona that you have given Gary is to be applauded. You have captured a tortured mind enveloped in a near normalcy. It is easy to see life and people through his eyes and feel the distrust and disdain that he feels for mankind and yet you get the feeling that although he has accepted his introverted existence he almost wishes that he could be 'normal'. I have only read three chapters but the story pulls me forward. This is not my normal genre however I am fascinated. Very well penned.

Wow thank you very much, i really appreciate it, especially as this is not the type of book you would normally read.

Dear Nathan: You and I couldn't be more diametrically opposite in our perception of life, but I recognize a dog-gone great book when I see one, and your book is great. It is far, far more readable than the published trilogy from the bookstore that I'm now reading. Despite the superficial impression that my workbook written from the Christian perspective my convey, I'm a fairly open-minded person and I am, frankly, honored to have the chance to comment on your fantastic book, support it, and put it on my bookshelf. Sincerely, Pat

Dear Nathan: You and I couldn't be more diametrically opposite in our perception of life, but I recognize a dog-gone great book when I see one, and your book is great. It is far, far more readable than the published trilogy from the bookstore that I'm now reading. Despite the superficial impression that my workbook written from the Christian perspective my convey, I'm a fairly open-minded person and I am, frankly, honored to have the chance to comment on your fantastic book, support it, and put it on my bookshelf. Sincerely, Pat

Doesn't sound too harsh, i can take criticism and have had plenty of it, just didnt make a huge amount of sense re: ideas appearing and changing with every paragraph, i really dont think that happens at all. I'm quite amused by your presentation of yourself as a daring, uncompromising reviewer who says those things that others are afraid to say, like a dark arbitrator shining a harsh light on the demon of mediocrity. And yet you have a Dan Brown book listed as one of your favourites.

Thanks for taking the time to read, but don't flatter yourself by thinking you struck a nerve.

After reading the first chapter I don't really know what to think. Let me warn you that I am always honest in my reviews and never do I give blind praise, as it most likely means the person did not understand what they read or read the work to begin with.

The narrative confuses me with different ideas suddenly appearing and changing with each paragraph. I can honestly say as a reader, I was not hooked (this is without reading your pitch). The story progresses very little and plot development... not so much. As the writing makes valuable points at society and honest criticism, I find it is missing something. Perhaps because this chapter sounds like a list of complaints by an individual with mental problems that hates the world or is lost somewhere in his or her mind.

I also get bothered with all the "I" and "it" and contractions.

Sorry if my review was too harsh. I am only here to point out things that many others may be too afraid to say.
Best of luck

After reading the first chapter I don't really know what to think. Let me warn you that I am always honest in my reviews and never do I give blind praise, as it most likely means the person did not understand what they read or read the work to begin with.

The narrative confuses me with different ideas suddenly appearing and changing with each paragraph. I can honestly say as a reader, I was not hooked (this is without reading your pitch). The story progresses very little and plot development... not so much. As the writing makes valuable points at society and honest criticism, I find it is missing something. Perhaps because this chapter sounds like a list of complaints by an individual with mental problems that hates the world or is lost somewhere in his or her mind.

I also get bothered with all the "I" and "it" and contractions.

Sorry if my review was too harsh. I am only here to point out things that many others may be too afraid to say.
Best of luck

Thanks Bridget.

An absorbing story, Nathan. I can see the reason for your high ranking - strong narrative, excellent characterisation, good descriptions. I hope you go all the way.
Bridget
The Road from Makhonjwa

An absorbing story, Nathan. I can see the reason for your high ranking - strong narrative, excellent characterisation, good descriptions. I hope you go all the way.
Bridget
The Road from Makhonjwa

Hi Nathan,
It's refreshing to read such an unflinching story of someone struggling with mental illness. I found this challenging, engaging, at times very sad, but never self-pitying. Six stars from me. Well done!

I'm putting this on my bookshelf. Can't explain why and maybe that's why. He's a recluse, seems pathetic and yet in many ways I admire the guy. Well written I've gotten inside this man's head. And no I'm not going to ask you to marry me, I'm happily married and I don't swing that way. It's interesting to see what makes this person tick and why he is the way he is. One of the few books I want to read further and see if he tells the guy in the check out to bugger off. Well done job. Highly starred.
Frank

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A fascinating start. Gary is a sympathetic main character. You use deep point of view very well to flesh him out. Realistic descriptions. Strong sense of place. Effective tension. Crisp pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) " ... there's room enough for about twelve padeo's, smack heads, rapists or whatever scum bag you like." Paedo's (possessive) should be paedos (plural). There is another cases of the same problem in this chapter.
2) " ... so I know the figures, and believe me mate, it's bloody scary.' Comma after 'me.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
3) Hyphenate 'middle aged.'
4) "It was you that started talking to me." 'That' should be 'who.'
5) ' ... nervously fiddle with their IPods or mobiles, ... ' 'IPods' should be 'iPods.'
6) Hyphenate 'twenty eight.'
7) ' ... what could reasonably described as a hard days work in my life.' Days (plural) should be day's (possessive).

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Nathan.

Al

Thanks for introducing me to your book. You have a great writing style and the dialogue is smooth and natural. Will read some more chapters tomorrow.

Nathan, read several of your chapters and was very impressed. You can clearly write, of that there is no doubt. Good luck with the book

Off to make room on my shelf...
Thanks for this. It is funny, bleak, honest and totally captivating. Great opening. I don't normallly like long blocks of dialogue (or momologue in this case), but it works for me here.

I love the sense of alienation.

Some minor things:
chapter 1: paedos not paedo's (I think)
A few overly long sentences
Chapter 2: it's self con... should be its

Brilliant stuff. If you get time to check out one of mine, you might like Steering Wasps, since it covers themes of social isolation/ alientation too.

Gary is a well-drawn character. He has deep emotions and fears, and a poisonous personality. It's hard to like him as a lead character, since he's miserable and cares only about himself. I know what his dilemma is, but he doesn't want to confront it and there isn't much incentive to root for him.

Your writing style works well. It's clean and has a strong voice. The gradual pace is fine for literary fiction. It's clear that the world will challenge him to remain isolated and he'll feel a violent reaction to pressure to change. The question is why would the reader want Gary to succeed.

Good luck with your novel. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Hello

A true grit - to the point type of story. You don't pull any punches and the narration shows a few degrees of the character that make him engaging and strong enough to pull the story forward. I see a lot of these stories involving women and this is one of the first I have read about a male. It's a nice change of pace. Your characterization and descriptions are great.

I enjoyed it and I wish you the best of luck with it. I will place it on my shelf when I have room.
Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Ok, i do really like this, but i have to ask this- what sets your book apart from all the other angry olner books out there? As far as i can see, the one difference with yours is that it is set in a small town most people will never have even heard of, rather than the usual setting of the big city like New York/London etc, but you might need more than this to make your book stand out.
As i say though, i do, overall, very much like this.

Hi Claire, thanks for commenting. Regarding the swearing putting people off, i dont have a problem with that. If people are offended by that kind of language, i doubt they would really be my target readers. As for the dialogue, and whether people talk that way, well i suppose lots of people dont, but plenty do. I think i do (maybe that makes me sound like a tosser?).

And your point about where the story is going, well i suppose this book hinges on whether or not the reader finds Gary (that's the main characters name, not Brian) is an interesting enough character, You clearly did not, but i'll take solace in the fact that many do. Thanks again for the read.

I'm not sure about the beginning. It feels a little as if you're trying to inject information into the dialogue for the benefit of the reader rather than painting a genuine scene. Which is a little unfair, because these people definitely do exist - maybe this scene would work better at a different point in the novel? And I like the wry observation about modern Britain. So true! Also using a swear word so close to the beginning might alienate some readers - even if they are used sparingly in your novel, that's not the impression that is given by having one three lines in. Also, and this is the tiniest nit - iPod has just one pretentiously placed but kinda cool looking capital, in the middle :)

I wonder if chapter two might not be a better beginning (though I realise this goes against what I've just said about alienating readers - maybe those readers aren't your target audience anyway!). It grabs me more somehow. Also, your dialogue is fun to read, but I'm not sure it's how people talk in real life - "to me it's impossible. I can't participate in those mating rituals that other people engage in so easily." - but then again, maybe I don't know Brian well enough yet and this is part of his personality.

By chapter three I am still wondering what the book is about - what's driving the story? What does Brian want? What are the questions I should keep turning the pages to find the answers to?

Sorry if this all sounds negative - this writing is still a cut above most of the stuff on this site - I hope some of what I've said is helpful and if not, then bear in mind I'm an unpublished writer and may well not have the faintest idea what I'm talking about!

Some fair points raised there. Yes, the 'angry loner' story has certainly been done, can't argue with that, but the same can be said of most things, and that's no reason not to cover old ground if you feel you have something to say in that idium. Can't agree with it lacking focus or direction, but as you say, readers don't have my knowledge of where the story is going.
As for not caring about him,that's fair too. Plenty of people have been thoroughly turned off by him, he can be a bit of a twat. But more people have been fascinated by him, and it's the character alone that keeps them reading past these early chapters. As you say, perhaps that is your problem.

In terms of the writing it flows well and has a nice rhythm to it. The humour is okay, made me smile at points. But the main problem I had was that I read a lot of stories of this kind. Disillusioned male not sure of his purpose making observations on modern life. And while this is a decent attempt at that sort of thing, like most of them this one lacks direction or focus. Obviously that’s the point of the story, but that’s also the reason few books like this get published. There are some that do and there are techniques to make detached characters seem engaging, usually through humour, but also using narrative devices. The books of Michel Houellebecq are a good example.

As it is, the story comes across a lot like the guy he encounters on the train platform offering his views without invitation, on stuff that’s fairly obvious to us already. We too live here. And while I liked that he turned out not to be a tramp, but a normal commuter driven to ranting at strangers, I think you took the easy way out by having him be so easily cowed. Smacked of wish fulfilment, this depressed, socially awkward guy gets to pop this angry stranger’s ego so easily. That clash could be quite entertaining, but not when you’re leaning on the scales, making him a ranting bore and giving your guy all the killer lines.

Whatever your intention behind it, maybe an unreliable narrator, maybe a deliberately slow opening to contrast with later more dramatic events, maybe even a study in social alienation, bear in mind the reader does not have your advantage of knowing where this is going. We only have the words on the page so far, and so far he’s very typical of lacklustre male MCs that don’t do anything.

What if ranting man was witty with it? What if he had an interesting or unusual point to make? At least then it wouldn’t be quite such a chore to read his diatribe. Your man can still win (imagined or not), but give him a worthy opponent.

The same with his talk to the therapist about why he can’t date girls. I don’t care enough about him or his issues, doesn’t really seem that big a deal. And his points on the subject aren’t interesting/amusing enough for me. Obviously others may feel different. But I’ve read so many WIPs about this guy (whether he’s unemployed, or a teacher, or teaching English in a foreign country), that I’m somewhat jaded about them. Possibly this is more my problem than yours.

Nathan - This is excellently written and told. I have no doubt your next stop is the Editors Desk. A destination well deserved.
Red

I'm not sure about the beginning. It feels a little as if you're trying to inject information into the dialogue for the benefit of the reader rather than painting a genuine scene. Which is a little unfair, because these people definitely do exist - maybe this scene would work better at a different point in the novel? And I like the wry observation about modern Britain. So true! Also using a swear word so close to the beginning might alienate some readers - even if they are used sparingly in your novel, that's not the impression that is given by having one three lines in. Also, and this is the tiniest nit - iPod has just one pretentiously placed but kinda cool looking capital, in the middle :)

I wonder if chapter two might not be a better beginning (though I realise this goes against what I've just said about alienating readers - maybe those readers aren't your target audience anyway!). It grabs me more somehow. Also, your dialogue is fun to read, but I'm not sure it's how people talk in real life - "to me it's impossible. I can't participate in those mating rituals that other people engage in so easily." - but then again, maybe I don't know Brian well enough yet and this is part of his personality.

By chapter three I am still wondering what the book is about - what's driving the story? What does Brian want? What are the questions I should keep turning the pages to find the answers to?

Sorry if this all sounds negative - this writing is still a cut above most of the stuff on this site - I hope some of what I've said is helpful and if not, then bear in mind I'm an unpublished writer and may well not have the faintest idea what I'm talking about!

In terms of the writing it flows well and has a nice rhythm to it. The humour is okay, made me smile at points. But the main problem I had was that I read a lot of stories of this kind. Disillusioned male not sure of his purpose making observations on modern life. And while this is a decent attempt at that sort of thing, like most of them this one lacks direction or focus. Obviously that’s the point of the story, but that’s also the reason few books like this get published. There are some that do and there are techniques to make detached characters seem engaging, usually through humour, but also using narrative devices. The books of Michel Houellebecq are a good example.

As it is, the story comes across a lot like the guy he encounters on the train platform offering his views without invitation, on stuff that’s fairly obvious to us already. We too live here. And while I liked that he turned out not to be a tramp, but a normal commuter driven to ranting at strangers, I think you took the easy way out by having him be so easily cowed. Smacked of wish fulfilment, this depressed, socially awkward guy gets to pop this angry stranger’s ego so easily. That clash could be quite entertaining, but not when you’re leaning on the scales, making him a ranting bore and giving your guy all the killer lines.

Whatever your intention behind it, maybe an unreliable narrator, maybe a deliberately slow opening to contrast with later more dramatic events, maybe even a study in social alienation, bear in mind the reader does not have your advantage of knowing where this is going. We only have the words on the page so far, and so far he’s very typical of lacklustre male MCs that don’t do anything.

What if ranting man was witty with it? What if he had an interesting or unusual point to make? At least then it wouldn’t be quite such a chore to read his diatribe. Your man can still win (imagined or not), but give him a worthy opponent.

The same with his talk to the therapist about why he can’t date girls. I don’t care enough about him or his issues, doesn’t really seem that big a deal. And his points on the subject aren’t interesting/amusing enough for me. Obviously others may feel different. But I’ve read so many WIPs about this guy (whether he’s unemployed, or a teacher, or teaching English in a foreign country), that I’m somewhat jaded about them. Possibly this is more my problem than yours.

I have read the first few chapters and will return to the rest later. All pretty gruelling and hard to put into words, so you have done well. Not sure where the story is leading but I look forward to finding out. If I have one criticism, it is that your punctuation sometimes lets you down. This might sound trivial but it could grate on some people.

Good luck with your writing anyway.

Philip John

"The World is (Not) A Cold Dark Place" - Nathan O'Hagan. I read the 1st 2 chapters and scanned several comments. Stars for writing style. Some thoughts: This isn't my normal read and other readers seem to really like it or really not like it - therefore it seems to have a niche market; who is your target audience?; well written, but I have trouble connecting or caring about your MC. Good luck with this.

Gideon ("Thrill Writer's Remorse")

Excellent prose. Compelling story line. Bravely and intelligently crafted. Makes the reader stop and think if he agrees or disagrees with the ideas and assessments of the main character. The overall impression is probably best summed up with a well known truism: The only way to remain sane in an insane society is to appear to be insane.
Backed, on my bookshelf, and lit up with many stars. Excellent job, Nathan.

Excellent prose. Compelling story line. Bravely and intelligently crafted. Makes the reader stop and think if he agrees or disagrees with the ideas and assessments of the main character. The overall impression is probably best summed up with a well known truism: The only way to remain sane in an insane society is to appear to be insane.
Backed, on my bookshelf, and lit up with many stars. Excellent job, Nathan.

Nathan great writing, good atmosphere, and realistic urban dialogue. I will definitely read on and watchlist for sure.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

I've just read abit of your book and to but honest its not my kinda thing but it is well written and i have nothing bad to say about it. I've rated your book aswell.
Please could i ask if u will read my book, comment and rate.
Thanks
EllenMichelle
:)

This is a very captivating story leading the reader through thoughtful and progressive first-person prose. Gary has a very defined ideology about how he sees the world and the people within, which could easily be translated into an unlikeable character; however, as we view the world through Gary's eyes, the author makes the smart choice to let the reader become aware of Gary's afflictions from the start, thereby, turning this unlikeable character into a sympathetic one.

As for the style, this is what I like most as the author comes across as a natural with the ease and verve for the written word. When a story has reached this stage in the development process, I really like to dissect the novel for any typo's, grammatical errors and plot holes to help the author. Although I have only read the first few chapters at this time, I could not find anything constructive worth pointing out.

Well done! I'll definitely be back to finish. BACKED and full stars.

Cheers,
Michael Hebler - "Night of the Chupacabra"

I thought your second to last paragraph in the first chapter was powerful—being adrift from mankind in spite of not having had any particular difficulties. It makes me wonder if this narrator lacks introspection at first, but then the second chapter lets us see more of what he’s feeling. He reminds me a little of Salinger’s Holden.

You have some creative uses of language—comparing therapy to a full body cavity search, slamming the lid shut on the last vestiges of his libido, providing stupid people with the illusion of security.

The dialogue is terrific—it sounds natural, and it moves the plot along. Most of the time I can hear these characters more than I can see them. Perhaps a little more description?

It wasn’t until Chapter 6 that I really understood where the book was going—more than getting us into the head of someone with the narrator’s particular challenges. In the writing workshop I took recently, the facilitator kept asking us about all the writers’ pieces, “What is the occasion of the telling?” He said that readers should be able to tell that from the first chapter. When he asked it about the manuscript I have here, my first reaction, which I didn’t say aloud was, “Well, duh, can’t you tell from the conflict with my father??” But then I realized that I had told the story very dispassionately in that earlier draft, giving none of my own feelings to show that the story was really about forgiveness rather than abuse--not a problem that you have. But every reader who has read my manuscript since I revised it has said that the occasion of the telling is much more clear in this draft and that my father is much more human and less scary than he was in the early draft. So when I read your draft with the workshop adviser's words in mind, I wondered if you could somehow get into the first chapter that the narrator is going to be booted back into the working world. That might give a motivation beyond his condition that explains why commuters would irritate the hell out of him. It might also make him more human if his three friends were introduced earlier—that they still support him even when they feel he’s self-absorbed.

But of all the books I’ve read since I got back onto Authonomy after being away for a year, this is one of two that have most hooked me, so I’m putting it on my shelf.

Well I will definitely be putting this on my shelf and will be giving it high stars just for the quality of the writing. Do I 'like' it? Well no but then I'm not sure how you could like it unless you were feeling the same way as your over (or sometimes under) emotional character. having said that, I started reading this at 1:00 in the morning and was still compelled to read the first 10 uploads.

It's like reading a train crash you're never quite sure where it's going just that you can't see the poor sod getting over this little set of 'issues' that he has.

You had some stunning moments within the writing though and I have to say that I'm quite jealous of the quality. I love the way you effortlessly portray his swings of mood, his utter contempt for the rest of the human race and his acceptance of his condition. It seems to be the one thing that he considers makes him special.

I will be reading more and I'm certainly going to give it a good few stars and put it on my shelf.

M

Alright Nathan,

I really wanted to have something insightful to say about your work (especially since your comment was so useful to me - and you were the first male to comment on my work), but I couldn't. You're a much better writer than I am and I find The World is (Not) A Cold Dead Place to be an awesome read. I've backed it but really can't offer any advice, criticism, etc., except to say this ... keep writing man, this stuff is quality.

J.B.

Alright Nathan,

I really wanted to have something insightful to say about your work (especially since your comment was so useful to me - and you were the first male to comment on my work), but I couldn't. You're a much better writer than I am and I find The World is (Not) A Cold Dead Place to be an awesome read. I've backed it but really can't offer any advice, criticism, etc., except to say this ... keep writing man, this stuff is quality.

J.B.

Nathan,

Even though this isn't really my type of genre, it's certainly very well-written. High stars and I wish you all the best with it!

Patti

Top top quality writing. Highly starred as well as backed. And just thought I'd say you have Luke Goode to thank for bringing the book to my attention.

K J

Gritty, hard hitting stuff to be sure! The narrative and dialogue is skilfully crafted evoking strong emotions and great sympathy for Gary. You paint a bleak, distasteful and hopeless picture but your strength of prose makes your book captivating and very interesting to read. I hope you have the success you richly deserve.
Backed with pleasure,
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa

On my shelf, gave it 6 stars. Couldn't put it down, just get it finished. Please.

Excellent first chapter Nathan, it took me back to a time I returned to Holland" Schiphol Airport. Taking the train to Rotterdam I was surrounded by foreigners with angry and unhappy faces. this was no longer my mother's beloved happy country.
Look forward to reading more, you are touching on a subject everyone should be made aware of.
Christine

This pitch is very well done. I have a clear picture of the world this person inhabits, and the last line really made me laugh. You promise dark and funny, and that’s one of my very favourite combinations, so I am only left wondering whether the wry almost-humour of the pitch is the same as the style of the story. But I am willing to find out, and I feel sympathy for our protagonist, so that is a lot accomplished in under 200 words.

I suppose I’d only add two tiny points about the pitch– not everyone knows what OCD means, and a non-UK reader won’t know what “signing off work” means. I guess I’d clarify those two things, in the pitch. That could put someone off, it were a book jacket blurb, maybe.

Well I love the opening scenario, and it certainly gets sympathy for our poor unwitting fellow.

I am delighted that our man delivers a counter-rant to his ranting fellow commuter, but am a little perplexed at the other fellow’s neutral response. I thought you’d painted him as a nutter, so I was surprised when he just backed down and surrendered.

As for our protagonist, by the end of chapter one, we have not really found out why he did the opposite of what his entire history dictates he'd do. Why is he blithely and calmly doing what he loathes and detests, i.e. being shoved against other people on public transport? I think I’d want one bit of news as to why that is, at the end of chapter one, to make me immediately turn to chapter two. Right now it’s sort of an anomaly, and is vague, which feels odd when we know it's a hot issue for an extreme control-freak like this.

I have vowed to read as many first chapters on this site as I can, and I am happy to have read yours, which is both wry and dark (as promised!) and intelligent. Maybe structurally I’d pace up the ranting-duel, and get to the point about this turning point in his life, but your style is strong.

Best wishes from
Eileen Kardos
The Noodle Trail