Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket

I originally was going to only read the first chapter for a swap, but then I started reading and was drawn into it. Before long I found myself at chapter three, then chapter five. I must say this is what I want to see in a magic book. Harry Potter your time is over, make way for Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket. This is what magic stories should be like. I was captured from paragraph one and didn't want to stop,..but I had too. I will totally be coming back to read the rest. Six stars and recommendations to everyone who is looking for what should be an award winning story.

I know that you are going far Ashley, you are going very far with the success that is bound to come to you
Dakota

Hi hun, my lass want to read this but she is partially sighted, so i am having to read it to her! i must say i am nearly horse, my hubby likes this! and its not easy with a 10 wk old dalmation tugging at my laptop cables! i have just got her to settle down!, she finds common ground as she is bullied (not as having magic powers!) she says to tell you she loves it more than ponies! which is high praise from my girl lol
love from cassie and Hayley

Hi Ashley,
I read all nine chapters. Your story is charming and you have a flair for the younger readers. I like the characters, Remilius, Tula, Maddy; all well developed. Maddy is an especially interesting character and you seem to have captured the 12-year old mentality. A person who is not quite a child and not quite an adult. I don't really have any negative criticisms and after reading everything you've posted I can honestly say that I wanted more, I wanted to see how this magical world turns out. You've got mystery and layers of story line. There's a constant sense that the Council is not only NOT telling Maddy everything but that there are some reasons which might not be cool. Am I right?

By the way, the dialog exchange between Maddy and the faery seemed at first, a little out of place with modern vernacular. But somehow, you made it work. I probably would have gone the other way but again, you made it work.

Nicely done Lady, nicely done.

Larry M.

My grand-daughter - 17, picks one book a week and this is her pick - in fact she didn't go any further tonight- her first and only choice! Not quite my genre but I will read it because she has highly recommended you- consider yourself starred and shelved. Henry

I haven't been on Authonomy for a while. Have you snared a publisher?

Hi Ashley.
I came across your book and I have to say after reading so much intense stuff on here recently it was a relief to read something so much more lighter. I've only read the first chapter so far, I thought I'd pass my comments on from this first then continue to read.
I really enjoyed this story, I was interested from the very beginning. Like I said I have only read one chapter so far but I can already tell you have a excellent talent for writing children's books and a lot of promise. Having said that there are a few tiny things I think could be tweaked, This is just my personal opinion, I think the chapter is fine as it is, perhaps this could just make it even better?

Firstly 'Judges gavel'? I don't think a 12-13 year old would use this description, perhaps something a bit more age appropriate?

Secondly this sentence " I...I already told you what happened" Maddy began, not knowing what else to say.....I think to really help us imagine that scene you could put some movement in to help describe how maddy's feeling eg.
1. she kept her head down and played with her fingers (this is a sign someone is nervous or uncomfortable)
2.She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose ( this is a sign that someone is frustrated)
ect. ect.

Next the sentence "Its the incidents again" Mrs. Medlock said..... I think this could be changed into something along the lines of "We've had another incident" Mrs. Medlock sighed.

Also the paragraph about Maddy's parents not being able to leave work because money was tight gave the impression that Maddy's mum should be angry for having to be called out of work, yet she says "I'm sorry we didn't say anything sweetheart, we didn't want to worry you" it was only after reading to the end of chapter one that I realised that her mum wasn't angry with her but she was actually she felt guilty.. I think you could put something in there that tells the reader that maddy's mum isn't angry eg. She kissed Maddy on the forehead comfortingly before sitting down on one of the wooden chairs beside her.... I think it would take away any slight confusion.

Lastly I think you should take out the ' Her mom stumbled to the chair and sat down' . I just feel its a bit too dramatic for the situation.

I hope I've not offended you with any of my suggestions, they are after all just suggestions. Like I say I really do think you & your story has a lot of promise. Hope I've helped and I will pass more feedback along after I've read some more. :)

R. Swain
'The Catchers'

Beautiful story. You presented it in a way that easy to follow

good story line. Young reader should love this. I am not an editor so i will not get into the editing aspects. Suffice to say you have a talent for writing as shown by your book's ranking, bookshelves, and positive comments. It is only a matter of time. Best of luck.
M Cirillo

I've read the first four chapters and I think this is everything a children's book should be- engaging, clearly written, and entertaining. I'm always looking for original fantasy and for me this ticks all the boxes- an original plot (The idea of a magical world with no magic is an interesting one) coupled with polished prose, not over-simple yet not overly-detailed. I think young readers will love this, and I'll be keeping it on my watchlist! Six stars from me; I'm sure this will go far!
Emma, 'The Puppet Spell'

Wow, I am intrigued! Good job Ashley. I have only read a few chapters, but for sure I will continue. I'm still calculating whether or finish it now or wait to buy the book from the shelves:)

Ashley,
I read everything that you have posted.
I have a strange mix of emotions about this book. 
There is the very unfortunate reaction of having to keep myself from comparing it to the Series That Shall Not Be Named. This made me angry with myself because, of course, it is not fair. But this fact distracted me often.
When I was able to stop comparing, I really enjoyed myself. It is a wonderful story of a girl coming of age with magic.
But then there were some serious plot issues that bothered me, particularly towards the end of the posting, when Maddy so quickly took the side of the Faeries only because of wounded Tula in her room.
So my resulting feeling was to be happy to read it, but falling short of being a YA book that I would be excited about recommending to my kids without caveats. As it is, I feel it is a book that will probably do well with an audience starving for more books in its sub genre, but may fall short of standing out of the crowd.
I think you can change this if you want to.
Hook and plot- this hook is a classic, and, of course, classics are classics for a reason- they work. The issue becomes, of course, that even young readers know what to expect when strange things start happening at school. This is comforting if you want to stay in the sub genre, but also makes standing out a challenge. To break from the stereotype you need to either not have strange things happen at all, or take it to a weirder level.
Your plot twist that indeed makes this a bit different is that the witching world is void of magic. I found that this was interesting, but to a great extent underused as a plot mechanism. It was not clear that this was such a bad thing, as the witches' world is quite charming and they don't seem to have much trouble with steam.
Before that, I will say that I found the parting scene with the father a bit awkward. Maybe this is because so many characters in Maddy's possition are orphans, and I am filling in the blanks again.
What most bothered me plot wise was Tula, and Maddy's sudden acceptance of her and the desire to help her. It just did not jive with me that Maddy, just thrown into her new world, would take such a risk for a new friend, cute though she is.
I especially had a problem when they go out of the hole in chapter 12 and then go back in. Didn't really make sense to me.
All the while, she is learning magic and, one would think, would not be left to her own devices with a bunch of books. 
The counsel is too nefarious while at the same time being kind. The Faeries, at least Tula, is an odd combination of untrustworthy and really cute.
So, I would very humbly suggest that you consider the plot mechanism of how you bring Tula and Maddy together, and just what it is that draws Maddy to her. I also humbly suggest you develop the counsel and her imprisonment, if that is what it is, better.
Character development- I think that part of my problem is that I don't really get Maddy very well, in spite of the fact that you let me in her head often. I am not sure why this is- maybe her life is just really normal and so I am missing a bit of pathos. Sometimes these characters need to be a bit hollow for the reader to insert herself. But I feel like I want to understand her better. Besides excitement, how does she feel about being the only person with magic? About the fact that her parents lied to her about her past? As to the other characters, I also wanted more (except for Tula, who I felt I got a good grasp of- but she comes across a big like Tinkerbell (there I go, comparing again). Maude looks like she could be interesting, as does that goblin fellow, what's his name?
Ambiance- here I think you did a fine job. I loved the Phoenix tree and the underground dwelling. Your descriptions are rich and colourful, and I had vivid images in my head throughout the read. This was even the case in the early sections, where I felt Maddy's embarrassment at the greasy apron her mother wore. Your description of the flame moving between the candles was very good, as was the transformation of Maddy (you seem to not really talk about the fact that she shrinks so much, which you may want to look at, but the transformation of the ears and the hair were great).
Internal consistency- I am left with half a premise, because I don't know what happened to the magic. I think it is probably alright, but I have a concern about the brutality with which these nice witch people treat the faeries, how the counsel found out about Maddy, why they are not training her more actively, the whole thing about the maps as a reward...
Mechanics: I sent  you s few typos. It was pretty good. I  did not like the thoughts in italics so much at first, because it feels like you are avoiding having to write "she thought". But I got used to it.
All this having been said, I read all you posted and would probably have read on. It is enjoyable, and, again, I think it will be published and be eaten up by hungry young readers, even as it is. I just find that I think you could do more with parts.
I hope you take this in the best way possible and that at least part of it helps.
All the best of luck with it,
Maeve

 

I love it so far! You start right in an action scene in which a lot is at stake for the MC. It really draws you in. Plus, your writing is really clean and descriptive and doesn't include any needless detail. My story is a children's story too, in case you're interested in taking a look. I'll definitely be back for more!

YARG- The tree zapped her. That was cool. I only read up to chapter five, but I think kids will love this story. Parts of it were a little too Harry Potter for me, but still very cool. You caught me right away with how she's in trouble. I knew it was because of magic, of course, from reading your pitch. Maddie is a good character, very relatable. There was one time when people kept talking and I really wanted to see some action. Other than that, great story. I usually only read one or two chapters. I am going to put this on the bookshelf. You are my first book on the shelf because I'm new here, but I've read three different books (chapter or two) and yours is the only one I am looking forward to returning too. Great job!

I also meant to say, great opening -it draws the reader in immediately, especially kids who love the thought of cutting up animals!!!! and then the silliness of frogs playing dead and the confusion of not being understood or believed -it's very well done
Debbie Richardson - Replacement Mothers/Princess Haggis Ears and other adventures in the land of Soss/The Lightning Tree

I really like what I've read so far, good story, good dialogue, suspense....I'm going to read more. Well done... I'll back it for now as it deserves support. If you fancy a read of one of mine, I have 3 books on here. Replacement Mothers is my favourite of the three though.

This is great. I feel Maddy's agony in the first Chapter and I can't wait for her to see how things work out.

YARG Review!

I love magic so just imagine how much I enjoyed this book! It has all the elements a reader like me is looking for in a book. The witching world is simply amazing. I love the idea of the full moon, the locket, the tunnels, and dangerous quests all together!

I thought every kid would love to have this book, and once they have it, they won't stop until they get to the end! I'll be coming back for more chapters. Highly starred!

Di Alcantara - My Beautiful Stalker

A very good, intriqing story that kids and adults can enjoy. I love anything to do with magic so I was drawn to it straight away. Maddy makes a very interesting m/c. The m/s needs a little editing but apart from that, it's great. Backed and on w/l.

Kate Grimes - LIZZIE - CUPPA TALES - TALES OF WILLOW GREEN - ANNIE

More, please.

Chapter 14

"...We haven't got all night," Tula exclaimed [said anxiously]..."

"A strong urge to scratch [itch] her shoulder... but[,] she stopped..." Did the wings sprout/rip right through Maddy's shirt? I would have thought Maddy would expect wings immediately and prepare.

"..started wildly [wilding itching] scratching..."

"reaching for the last root [and] heaving herself.."

"...in the silver [in the] moonlight..."

Does Tula have a knife? I can't remember reading earlier that she did.

Okay, they are on the ground above the very same tunnel from which they emerged earlier. Why is it suddenly okay that, "Tula clapped her hands and squealed?"

In the sky, you don't coast; you glide. Coasting would be falling (think roller-coaster).

Maddy watched [as] the willow [tree] grove grew smaller and smaller.
~~~~

Good accumulated momentum and forward progress - but to where? It would help if Maddy had a plan other than escape. It would add structure. A girl on a quest? Sure! A girl blundering forward willy-nilly? Unattractive stereotype.

Asking for wings before climbing through a tunnel is poor planning. Maddy should be more thoughtful than that.

Chapter 13

"Maddy [could feel herself wanting] wanted to open up... [and] but she wasn't..."

"Something about [her] Lena ..."

"But[,] we shouldn't be..."

"...(come) relative quick[ly]." verb/adverb agreement.

"...with wax dripping down its [edges]." Wax drippings? She hust lit the candle. Down its sides? It sounds like the stub of a candle -or- a candle in an well-used candle holder or candlestick.

"...moon pendant glimmered [around] on her neck."

"Which candle are you trying to [light] move?"

Now the comment makes sense. The preceding sentences do not express or imply that Maddy was meant to move the flame to a different candle.

"But[,] I'm here if you needanything[.] so you won't have to worry..."

"..in person [.] so keep up with..."

"...Pushing [her] doubts about glamours..." We know it's her doubts from context.

How does Tula know there's a full moon?
~~~~

I may be missing something but how did Lena know Maddy was moving moss chunks? Wasn't she practicing alone with Tula?

Again, good forward progress. I am still wondering how Maddy explains muddy hands, clods of dirt in her hair and muddy shoes - or why neither she nor Lena were concerned about the filth.

When something unexplainable in the non-magical world takes place, Maddy is allowed to express her (and by extension, our) confusion and wonder. For example, her bed is in fine shape despite sitting beneath a muddy tunnel stretching upward toward a sky full of every sort of weather possible outdoors. Beetles, ants, worms (wyrms?), and rodents could be expected to fall into Maddy's chamber.

If Maddy was so easily smelled, why was she not followed (in chapter 11)? Why did her nemesis not follow his nose? And, if the tunnel is a known feature on the surrounding grounds, why doesn't he believe her smell has wafted upward from her chamber?

Tula's behavior seems to fly in the face (no pun intended) of Lena's disloyalty claims. Maddy should be stressing hard at this dichotomy. How powerful must a magic user be to generate a sense of trustworthiness while spouting apparent falsehoods?

Chapter 12

You may want to give some magical explanation as to how the tunnel walls can be muddy and yet leave Maddy's bed dry below.

"You okay?" Tula [asked]...

"...took her hand and lifted Maddy's chin," leaves the reader pondering whether Tula took Maddy's hand and at the same time lifted Maddy's chin. I would have thought Tula was too small to do both. I would have thought Maddy would be upset with Tula if she took Maddy's grip away from a root.

"..tugged a [piece] of Maddy's hair." A piece usually means a discrete section, like a piece of pizza.

It might be best if Maddy discovers the circle of willows. It heightens the tension versus simply telling us what is hidden in the mist. Keep in mind that Maddy's fingers don't get dim but disappear. Visibility is only a foot or a foot and a half.

"...quieter? [Anyone] could hear..."

"the ground and [watched as] a white sparkly light..."

"Let's hide in that tree over there," implies thinner mist than 'can't see my hand in front of my face.'

"Out of the corner of [her eye, Maddy] saw a dark shadow..." The last person mentioned was Tula, implying Tula is seeing something out of Maddy's eye.

"..heard that," Maddy [whispered/hissed]...

"...who or what was coming [closer]." Not needed.

Why is the faery returning underground after she was so keen to escape?

"...Hopefully[,] with the map."

"...wrapped herself in [its] leaves."

I have just read the first two chapters and am looking forward to reading the rest soon. As someone else has said, the story draws you in. Comparison with Harry Potter? I'm not sure yet, but it certainly seems promising. I'm hooked on the characters already.

I don't have a book to ask you to read, but could I ask you to look at 'Sanctuary' by Tina Cox, a quite different story from yours, but if you could find the time to read and perhaps comment, I'm sure it would be appreciated.

I'm finally here for the swap-read! Sorry it's taken me so long. Uni is eating away at my life. Anyway: I'm a massive fan of Harry Potter and I loved The Worst Witch when I was younger. This puts me in mind of these so this is right up my street. Have read the first few chapters and will definitely be reading more so have given it stars and have backed it :) I love stories like this: YA/child/adult books about magic in the real world. I, myself, find it a challenge to write with such a young main character but I think you've captured the young voice wonderfully. A really lovely story so far.

Arriane

Ashley’s Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket has the biggest potential to make the most money once published than any other book on here. Any publishers that don't see that are CRAZY.

AWARD: MOST POTENTIAL TO BECOMING A COMMERCIAL SUCCESS 1ST PLACE

Absolutely wonderful story! And I am so pleased to see you hitting into the Top Ten! Keep up the good work! Look forward to seeing you get in the top 5 very soon!

It was my pleasure to back your story. It was a very nice read. I'm dying to know what happens to Maddy.

Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket
Hey Amanda, I think that this is a wonderfully charming story. It's definately something that younger readers would gobble up. The prose is engaging and mysterious, but still simple enough for young readers to grasp. You create a wonderful witching world that is easy to become lost in. The story reminds me of the Harry Potter series, naturally, but you add enough original elements to make it your own.
Well done, high stars! Good luck with this!
Brittanee
- Sinful

Very engaging story, characters, and writing! I really enjoyed reading it. Best of luck!

YARG

Hey Ashley, I'm back for some more Maddy Hatfield. I've read chapters 4 and 5. The Witching World is so interesting!! People take elevators powered by steam to get places? I love that steam element. It gives the world a mechanical feel that plays wonderfully with the lack of magic. For some reason, the image really worked for me.

I do have to say that as an adult, I felt the pace was too fast, that i wanted more, but I think it would work for a younger reader. The plot is moving, action is taking place, so I can see this really being a quick (in a good way!) read for a middle schooler or elementary schooler.

I found two typoes in chapter 5, but I only remembered to write down the second one. "In reading after reading the runes" i have no idea what this sentence is saying. lol.

Lovely read so far! I will be back to read more.

Kat
The Darkness of Gold

A great read for the older child. There is an insatiable appetite for such magical reads and I think the author has the market well and truly pinned down. The book is well-written. I liked the spacing of paragraphs - not daunting for the age group. The vocabulary was just right and the sentence length was fine. As to the story it was quite gripping and had the appropriate hooks in the right places. Good work this. Candy.

Hey, this is great! I've just read chapter one, but I like it so far. It rolls along smoothly, and immediately gets Maddy into hot water. The line from her mom at the end is perfect for leading the reader on to chapter two.
A very minor question: Maddy says she imaged something. That was either intentional, referring to magic powers, or it was a typo for imagined. I wasn't sure, but thought I'd mention it.
But anyway, lots of fun! Keep it up!
Tod Schneider
The Lost Wink

I only had time to read the first chapter for now, but I'm hooked! You're writing is concise and easy to follow, and I'm enthralled with the characters. They're very well developed and believable. I want to see what her mother has to say in the next chapter....

Best of luck on the desk! I'm backing your book. :-)

Chapter 11

"If only Susan could see me now." Allow Maddy to explore the notion a bit to add a little dimension to her character.

"Lena;[,] she's the..." or split it into two sentences.

"Is she part of the [that] Council?"

"A feeling of rebellion spread through Maddy['s body]." Maddy really hasn't thought through the whole climbing through roots thing if she expects that, "They'll never even know I'm gone." Dirty business, roots.

Maddy has a lot of upper body strength for a little girl. Many cannot do a single pull-up yet Maddy is pulling herself up into the the roots.
~~~~

Maddy has picked up the notion that the Council is bad but she hasn't flatly asked to leave. There has been no mention of a threat to her person. This makes the motivation for her 'escape' a bit confusing. It would be justified if something more daunting and sinister were expressed than what I have read so far.

The chapter moves the action forward nicely and leaves us anticipating what might happen during the climb (its own little adventure, no doubt) and what they will encounter outside.

Chapter 10

"...she could be back before [she] Tula woke."

"the torches that lined the hallways ended [stopped]." Torches go out or are extinguished. "smoldering fire in the hearth [of the main room]." I just noticed... technically, smoldering means not flaming. No fire, just smoke.

"...when she saw no one [was] downstairs."

"...walked around the room [, looking for the maps]" You already told your readers what Maddy seeks. "A habit..." is a sentence fragment.

"Her hand jumped up as it tingled (How did it tingle? Faintly, strongly, with electricity, painfully...?) when it hit (hit?) ..." This sentence does not read smoothly. Consider revision.

"pulled at the papers[,] and..." No comma needed.

"surrounding areas as well[,] but..." No comma needed.

"She [had] found it."

"...went through[out] her [body] and she felt..." 'Suffused' is a bit obscure for your target audience. "...standing [up] a little straighter."

"Here you [ya] go."

"graduation gift from (?) training." Odd word choice. Of course, this isn't a human person so he may use markedly different language cues. If so, you could make note of the characteristic.

"I roam the halls at night;[,] humans..." or split the sentence.

"...secrets." pause/whatever "But I do owe you." Otherwise, make it one sentence.

"Uh, yeah [ya]. An Outsider..."
~~~

Good story flow and Maddy - Mads has bound a friend to her.

I like how Tula deals with her human friend informally, as if she really is a friend and without fear (of such a terrifyingly gigantic creature).

I have just read the first chapter . I love the opening and I really like your writing style can't wait to read more just given it some stars too.

Hi
I have just read the first two chapters. This is very good. It is well written and pacey with good cliffhangers at the end of the chapters which keeps the reader interested. I think that there would be many children interested in reading this. I like the way the characters are developing and the consistent point of view.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

So i read the first three chapters, as promised, and i think its fantastically written, not only that but you do have the ability to explain things easily as a twelve year old, which is a hard feat. It has a great beginning one that will keep the reader, i am probably the only one who has never read harry potter so when i looked at a couple comments about your book, i couldnt say that it reminded me of the books at all. Anyways i think it will be a success!
-Sharon
Stones in the Forest

A bit of a "Harry Potter"-like start to the book, but quite enjoyable. Well-written too. It's clearly geared towards kids, but something that adults might enjoy too. I would get this book for my daughter (and then read it myself too).

I like the way you describe Maddy's confusion and frustration at no one believing her. It's hard enough being a kid without having to deal with those strange things happening!

All the best
Ingrid, aka Jack1761
(The Merry Congress)

Very very good story! It is reminisent of the early Harry Potter stuff but I've read a few chapters now and it's different enough that you just get lost in it! I gave it 5 stars.

Best wishes,
Don C.

Chapter 9

"know who she was and what she knew about the council." This sentence seems to start with Maddy wanting to know who she was but then wanting to know what the fae knew about the Council.

"You're in denial..." You may want to explain what Maddy is supposed to be in denial over or or use a different phrase. Kids may not have been exposed to the phrase and have no clue what it means.
~~~~

Good momentum and flow with a suggestion that Tula might be called upon to fulfill her obligation to Maddy. I wonder whether Maddy climb up the roots to the branches (of some weird underground tree) and up through the tunnel or wait until Tula awakens.

Chapter 8

"...leaned forward in her chair." Has Lena remained standing or has she taken a seat?

"You have free rei[g]n." While 'free reign' is popularly used, the other is the more correct.

"...here to answer questions...if you have [one] any." Numerical agreement.

"...taunting her[,] to read them."

Was it water or tears that fell on Maddy?

"...from the thick branches...roots..." The discrepancy is awkward to read.

Barbie is a brand name. Ensure you get permission from Mattel, or otherwise verify it's okay before you use a brand name in your book.

"...back up to Maddy. Her flaming red hair" Subject confusion here.

"wings extending [coming] out from her back." Maintain clarity.

"She broke off a piece and handed it to the creature [and watched as she], who greedily devoured it."

~~~~
Good character introduction. However, you continue telling instead of showing. "She felt the pangs of," instead of ":Pangs of." "Maddy watched as Lena..." instead of "Lena...." Your prose could be tighter.

The first chapter alone was great, maddy is very well portrayed and incredibly likable from the start. The dialogue was well written and flowed very nicely as well. I can't wait to have more free time so I can read a few more chapters. great work!

Hey Ashley, I started by reading chapter 1 and I have to admit I'm impressed. You set a normal girl with a life that at first sight wouldn't be any different from the average person, and then you bring in the magic element smoothly and carefully. Displaying it in your work as 'accidents' is inventive, you try to gracefully bring it in and then continue growing the idea. I found it a throughly enjoyable chapter and I'm sure I'll enjoy the rest of the book.

Your writing style is clear and precise as well, there's no muttering or carrying on with over-doing sentences or descriptive scenes. A style that I get on with and can follow. Good job. :)

If you wish to read one of my novels, I'd love it if you did. I have a small collection so I leave the choice to you.

Looking forward to your views, Darren.

Hi Ashley, I've read your first chapter, and I found it easy to read and engaging.

***She slowly strode over to her desk, her high heels sounding like a judge’s gavel each time they clicked against the floor***

This is a lovely description, unusual and sums up the feeling of uneasae and being out of her depth.

I've backed the book. I wish you luck. You have a clear, economical style.

Best

Suzy

I couldn't just stop after the first chapter, I had to find out more.
This is a compelling read.
I'll comment again when I get a chance to read the whole thing.
L Mulligan

An incredible style of writing, you are truly a storyteller.
Strong pitch followed a mind-blowing story.
The pace quickly drew me in and the well described characters.
Your writing is fluent and easy to follow.
Delightful descriptions and good hooks at end of each chapter.
Like this story a lot and will recommend to my friends.
Well done

Ashley,
Have finally worked through a backlog of read promises to yours.
Firstly I would like to say I am generally a Young Adult reader/writer and so I found it a little difficult to judge this book. Just to put comments into context.

I was tempted to comment that I wanted it to slow down a little. There is a lot of dialogue and the descriptions feel rushed, almost an after thought. But then I thought about the attention span of children and realised it is probably necessary to keep the pace fast.

You might want to revisit some of the descriptions though. I wonder if you could slow it down a little and still maintain the necessary pace for children.

In some places I think you over-use words but I note from your profile that you are editing so perhaps this is something you are picking up on the second round...that's where I usually pick these things up. An example of what I mean:
'The principal extended her manicured hand toward Maddy's mom in greeting', 'toward Maddy's mom' is implied by the situation, the words are superfluous.

As I say, I find it very difficult to judge the book as I tend to need more depth than a children's book can give to keep me interested.

From what I can read below though, it is good for it's age-group. I will think about giving it some shelf time.

Danielle

Hi Ashley.
I'm taken in with your story already (Ch1). I like your succinct descriptions of body language that follow some of the dialogue, which certainly add to the characterizations. The last comment by Maddie's mom draws my interest further in wanting to read the next chapter - a good technique in showing the reader that there is a mystery coming up.

Hi Ashley,

Obviously I couldn’t just keep to Chapter One... the last line is perfect for making sure the reader turns the page. Or Chapter Two for that matter, which flew past, then Three came and went (I think I might be under a spell here...), and I really like the magical doorway idea in Chapter Four. I don’t have much experience with this genre. My only point of reference being Terry Pratchett, and more specifically his ‘Wyrd Sisters’ (which I read about two months back). If the hallowed creator of Discworld is 10, then, from what I’ve read, you’re a high 8.

‘Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket’ is an awesome piece of writing that flows off the page with true magical energy.

A few editing things I noted that you may wish to review:

1) ‘...The large second hand on the clock loudly ticking away each second...’ – the use of ‘second’ so close together feels like repetition, I’m not sure if this was done consciously, and I’m not sure that it really needs to be changed.

2) ‘...Smell of cigarettes and greasy, fried foods filled the Mrs. Medlock’s office...’ – there is a misplaced ‘the’ before Mrs. Medlocks’s – a quick win!

3) ‘... And then she slammed locker doors onto girls’ ponytails; she claimed a drafty hallway blew the locker door shut!...’ – maybe a bit of repetition on the ‘locker doors’, or maybe the ‘then’ should be a ‘when’. I would suggest something like: ‘...And then she slammed locker doors onto girls’ ponytails, and claimed a drafty hallway had blown them shut!...’

I see its high up the ratings, and I’m not surprised! – I bet there’s a little wizard boy out there right now - with outrageous eyebrows – who is probably in fear of losing some royalties. Fantastic! I have rated accordingly.

Best wishes for the ED,
J.

Maddy Hatfield is a fresh take on the kid-witch theme. It's fun and smooth reading for the tween & teen set, and the bigger people too. Her working class family and the school bully add a reality that many kids will identify with. Very enjoyable!
Rosalind Barden
American Witch

I really like the idea that magic is extinct, it's very original. At first I was slightly concerned that you were treading on Harry Potter's toes, but now I see where you're going. I'm also enjoying Maddy's family dynamics, really refreshing to see a MC in such a realistic setup. I think your target audience would love this!

Your world is playful and a joy to discover. My dream, as a child, was to meet Peter Pan [I believed absolutely in his existence, and I knew he visited London, so I prayed for him to discover me], and for him to blow the dust on me so I could fly. Your description of how wings grow and how we must learn to use them was my favourite part of this truly delightful tale. And, of course, one longs for the pointy ears too! I see this is rising up the ranks, and would like to help it fly on its way! Yours, Pan.

Hi Ashley,
I finished what you have loaded and found it a great read. I got a bit carried away reading and forgot to look for errors (not that I am a great deitor at the best of times) but below are a few thoughts.
I have also given you a 6 for this and am really interested to see what Che' thinks of it when she gets back from school holidays.

Typos:
CH 6 searching for an family >> searching for a family (maybe that paragraph maybe should contain a bit of surprise from the parent if she really didn’t know until that moment that there was a twin girl.)

Me and Dad >> Dad and I (pedantic maybe :-) )

Chap 12 seeing down >> looking down