Endurance

This was very interesting and well written. I like your writing style. Although I didn't have the time to read the whole book at this time, I am intrigued by your plot and development of characters. I plan to keep it on my watchlist so I can finish it at a later date. Good job and best of luck.

Chapter 4.

I think you’re spending too much time with the small details (it’s almost like small talk between two people just getting to know each other). This is bogging the story down. I find myself saying, “Get on with the mission.”

Good job ending Chapter 4 with the stowaway, but it took some time to get to it. Some of the extensive details you have are causing a drag on the storyline progression. I suggest cutting out some details.

Chapter 5.
Okay, so it’s not until Chapter 5 that the reader finds out why the whole episode at the beginning with the cook becomes clear. To explain the stowaway. I still think some condensing is needed.

The introduction of additional conflict in the storyline with Mr. Keith having been left stranded makes the progression of the story more appealing. A few indications of additional line editing needed in Chapter 5, but overall, an exercise in good writing techniques.

I see very developed writing skills by the way your sentences are constructed.

The view Ruby’d had… (‘d) not needed.

…her way to the forward section, where her… (,) remove.

She held up her SkyComm and opened a document. “Is there still (a) problem?”

The linear progression of the plot is great and easy to follow. I think you should give some consideration as to whether or not the introductions and explanations of projects during the second chapter cause the story to drag somewhat. That is too much information for the reader to congest and keep up with at one time, especially with so many characters. I suggest spreading out these explanations between ongoing occurrences aboard ship.

She had an eventful early career, and (had) been part….

Alternate between the use of a pronoun and the character’s name: (Holden) he. Ruby(she).

Use a little friction between characters to draw the reader into the story. They don’t all have to like each other; they’re professionals and don’t allow their feelings to interfere with their abilities to do their jobs. This is a technique I used in the first chapter of my manuscript, and from the comments I’ve gotten from writers on this site, they liked the technique.

Six men, including Commander Chickering, had died during an assault…are you sure you don’t want to use expedition here since an “assault” is an attack on something?

The pace of Chapter Three improves the continuity of the story.

You do a really good job as far as character development. I think that will go a long way in endearing the protagonist to the readers.

There is a need for some line editing, but the progression of the storyline is solid.

Putting this on my WL and giving it four stars.

If you have the opportunity, I hope you’re able to provide some feedback on my project.
Jsault2003, author of Battle against the Beast

http://www.authonomy.com/books/38506/battle-against-the-beast/read-book/#chapter

Great story, rich and diverse characters. Backed and starred.
Bea

This is a great story with strong characters and relationship development. I was really pulled into the human story of a crew getting used one another and to the mission ahead. You introduce and describe your settings and characters very well which made it easy for me to read and visualize. Beautifully written and most engaging.
Many stars and best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Finished it! Great story; I could see it all as I read. Excellent stuff.

You dialog is sharp, and the way you depict the setting, this could easily be the launching of a nautical vessel, instead of spaceship. I'm surprised this is only on one bookshelf! It must be because you're busy promoting your other novel. Backed. :)

Endurance

I looked forward to reading into this Karen. It’s immediately obvious that this is Solar system bound Sc-fi, so we are in Clarkean territory and I’m expecting a similar sort of adventure to unfold.

Short pitch: tells it all, yet succinct.

Long pitch: I felt this to be a little too long. The three paragraphs almost start to make it sound like three different stories – it isn’t, but I would try to re-focus this into one powerful message. It struck me this was primarily a story of redemption.

On your use of language: I cannot find anything to complain about at all.

Style: Sometimes I thought there was just a little too much dialogue. It had a tendency to descend into daily chatter and I thought maybe readers would end up skipping such bits. There were only one or two places where the dreaded Sci-fi techno bits intruded. I’m thinking here of the asteroid collision frequency speech. That, for example, would benefit from being more of a joke – it would probably fit in better. And there is that blatant bit of techno dumping about moon concrete.

Also, I was struck by what I thought was excessive domestic stuff. This captain does a lot of talking about food and food preparation, and she does a lot of cooking as well. Here I’m thinking of the blueberry muffins (C4). What is all that domestic goddess stuff about?

Nice to see a NW reference (Tlinget) but who would know about this?

Structure: The one thing I did have a problem with was the beginning. I recognise that the entire piece is modelled on the famous Endurance voyage but you have put this into a future space mission and the differences are just so big. There is obviously plenty of scope for such a story to be told. I certainly think you can tell it. But, for me, the attraction of Clarkean type SF is the inspiration and adherence to known science.

One very important aspect of that concerns the development of such trips. I don’t know your experience but in general they take years to prepare. I see why you want/need your female character to put her stamp of authority on the crew right from the beginning but the setting just irked me. Others might not find it so but you have set the thing only a relatively short time into the future. I cannot foresee any funding group being happy with a project that is not completely tied down well in advance. So no, I could not believe the commander turning up and ‘firing the cook’. It screams anachronism. Space travel is real. It exists now, and we know how it’s done. So I cannot even begin to accept a ‘drunken cook’ as a character in a solar system space exploration.

Maybe you could find a similar but less unlikely situation into which you could insert the commander and all the subsequent shenanigans, in order to make this point.

Were you hungry when you wrote the blueberry muffins line? Heh heh

Hello Karen,
Sci Fi is not my usual genre to read, but I live in Seattle (cap hill), so I stopped in to have a look. I found this quite enjoyable and well written. LOVE the opening line. I could easily visualize things as they were happening. Overall, I think this is very engaging and a great start. I always make notes where I have questions, or when I stumble. Your work seems fairly polished so there wasn't much. But if there is even one nugget that my help you, then that's great.
----
1
You might re-read this passage -- "She crashed . . . fried egg" I think it was supposed to be a play on the fact that moon time and Seattle time we're different. I had to read it four times to figure out what it meant and I'm still not sure. AH HA! I'm reading it yet again now it's much more clear to me. It would have been immediately clear, I think, if the passage would have directly followed ". . . 0700. breakfast time."
I almost erased all this but since I stumbled I figured it was worth you knowing. You could easily rearrange the order of the sentences if you deemed it necessary.

"The blazing sun precluded even a glimpse o the earth." -- I thought she was on the dark side of the moon? Again I don't read much sci fi

It was unclear who Ladd was talking to here. Was someone with her was she speaking into something. "How long do you estimate . . ."

2

Is that a true fact about asteroids, They only collide every million years. If so, it's pretty cool and a good bit of useless knowledge for me to store away. :)

Wesley James -- The first name may make too many people recall Wesley Crusher of Star Trek

"there is no reason to send this many humans into space" The use of the term human instead of people made question if the person issuing it is human. If there are no non humans later on (other than robots) it might be an odd phrase. again, I'm no expert on sci fi

Harassed- looking --- not sure I know what that looks like.



Enjoyed this very much,

Bill
HAKTAW HEART

ps check out the hugo house in Seattle if you haven't already (hugohouse dot org)

Endurance. A dramatic cover. Not being a sci-fi fan, I'm not drawn in by your pitches, but I'm intrigued by the dedication!

Ch.1. A matter of fact beginning, and some detailed space-talk technicalities.
You establish Ruby's disciplined optimistic side immediately, but I like the touch of humour with the cook.
Once again, your writing is impeccable, and you manage to make me want to read on, even though the environment is not my scene.

Ch.2. I have nothing to say, except that you are obviously in command of your subject, and your style reflects the necessary orderliness of a ship shape space ship with a commander in control, but showing one or two glimpses of human-ness.

Ch.3. A refreshing change of VP. A relief, for Gunner is more human, and you have put a few pieces of Ruby's past into the jigsaw in skilful fashion. But everything is so clinical, and a little bit slow moving. You introduce a whiff of a possible problem, but I wonder if current day readers would appreciate your attention to detail, and the leisurely way you progress your story.

Ch.4. You've done it again - made me want to read on. But I've sooo many other reads to do.

You certainly know how to write, Karen. I could find no nits to pick. This is a very good, well written book. I guess I'm not more enthusiastic because it is just not my kind of story.
Jane. (Breath of Africa)

A very engaging tale - well-written plus the dialogue flows smoothly. The technical jargon is impressive, but not overwhelming like a Crichton novel. The personal descriptions are also good. The only criticism I have is that I found the conversation about the characteristics of the fired cook a bit stilted. It seems a woman in her position would have just said I fired him because he was drunk and let it go at that. All in all a very enjoyable read.

Meg Wearing

Great pitch. Excellent storyline.
I didn't have much time to read beyond the first two chapters but I thoroughly enjoyed what I read and wish I could have read more - maybe later.
I was impressed with the beginning of both chapters. The quotes really work well.
The beginning is great, and although I wondered if I would enjoy this book because the story didn't attract my attention, I continued to read on, comfortably and with great interest and enjoyment.
Your writing skills are excellent. Your characters introduced with great ease.
Good luck with this Karen. 6 stars
Junetee (Four Corners)
) Don't forget to read my updated version of 'Four Corners.' I'd love to read your comments and if you like it, your backing again.)

Always interesting how one starts a tale, one is to start with a bang, in the middle of the drama so to speak, and work either backward or forward from there, filling in with details, another is to start at the ground with brick one and methodically build an edifice, i think "Endurance" is of the latter type, and i think it is fitting since this is a story about an expedition, and all expeditions start with the first step, even if it is one in lesser earth gravity; I read the first seven chapters, i liked the story and will back it, found the writing clear and impeccable (something i wish i could do), there are some questions i have about dates, would i expect the world, technichal and social, to look this way at the time of the expediition, i am not sure, but such questions may also read other readers on and in a way get them further into the story. i see a love story devloping here. Iif i have a chance i will skp ahead and see where events lead and how the upcoming disaster compares with the early shakleton event (though i will have to read a summary so i can - the fact that i might do that says that your story is interesting enough to make me do homework, haha)

Hi Karen,
I read the first four chapters and enjoyed this. I'm not the biggest sci fi fan but I liked the spirit of adventure you've injected into your story. I like the way you have taken a true story of adventure and moulded it into a fictional account.
Ruby is a self assured MC who knows her own mind, and makes for a believable commanding officer. All the rest of the crew come into their own as you read on. You've done a great job on the characterisations of each. This can be hard to pull off when you are introducing so many characters at once. But I didn't feel lost.
Gunner has a nice charm about him, its good to have this kind of character who is an outsider and an observer, his insight will add an extra dimension to the space crew antics.
I really enjoyed the space basketball game in chapter four, I could see how that would prove very difficult and would be humourous to watch.
You have authentically portrayed space travel and it all seemed believable to me. I liked the sail on the ship just like the old explorers would have had.
Overall this is a well crafted and well written story, though from you Karen I would expect nothing less, judging from your other books.
I only noted down a few minor nit picks, and I had to look hard to find those, hope it is somewhat useful to you,
All the best with this new offering, I have watchlisted you and will put you on my shelf in the coming weeks for a stint.
Cheers Jacoba

Found something, in chapter three. I've been reading lately in an editing book, that with 'had' once its been established at the beginning of the paragraph you don't need to use it again.
So in the first paragraph you could omit it from these two sentences:
He looked up her history as soon...
She'd had an eventful early career, and already been...

I'd also crop some of the usage of 'that'
as in this sentence: ...slacks hinted her legs were equally toned.

Chapter four

This seemed a little wordy, perhaps "I'm glad we get to pass it."

Just wondering with the em dash. I don't think you need a space between the words. ( a very minor nitpcick)

Carefully thought out background, well fleshed out MC in Ruby, and a good story. Backed and recommended.