Non-Compliance

Non-Compliance is a great cyber-punk type tale, and it kind of fits in with the mood of people today. Set in the future, everyone who doesn’t install a reader in their head for the government has to move to the non-compliance sector, like hacker Shea Kelly.

Of course the non-compliance sector is run-down compared to the rest of the city. The atmosphere of the dingy bar that Shea works in is well described. You can easily picture it, the sights and the smells of the place. Shea herself is well-rounded and very human, presented as a capable fighter, but also flawed. She can lose fights too, which is nice.

In typical cyber-punk fashion, seemingly simple jobs and events blossom into full-scale conspiracies that put the main character and her friends in dire straights, and forces them to take actions that have repercussions beyond simple survival.

Author Paige Daniels has crafted a real page-turner. I read a lot of these types of novels and I can say that Non-Compliance is better than a lot of them already sitting on the shelves. This novel will gain a wide audience of appreciative fans once published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Paige,
As I mentioned to you earlier, I think that this is a really fun book. I love Shea- a heroine with glasses and a mean kick. I also very much like the ambiance that you have established.
There are some typos that need to be tended to, and a plot hook to be tightened in the first couple of chapters, but I think that you have all the elements to do this. I have read seven chapters and look forward to re-reading them again when you polish it a little more. Once you do, I will write you a more detailed set of comments. I have no doubt this will go to high places.
All the best.
Maeve

Hey, Paige. I decided to come back for Chapter 3. You have strong descriptions and Shea is consistently written. I imagine the Non-Com Zone as Szweto, South Africa.

I noticed a few nits -- "I lock my sites" should be "locak my sights". "Make shift" is actually one word "makeshift". And you really do need commas -- a lot of them. Pronouns and proper names need to be set off from the main sentence with commas. It just makes reading flow easier.

This is an excellent dystopian tale that draws the reader into the mind and heart of Shea and brings us smack-dab into a world that is seriously bent and a people trying to survive.

Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

Greetings! As promised, here are my thoughts about your story. I hope you find them useful to you.

I really liked the opening two lines; you set the mood right away, establish the story as a first person POV, and you don't pull the punches regarding your character's feelings. The third line, however, somehow broke this flow for me. I'm not sure why, but as a guess, it may be the presentation in terms of order. You remove the personal element by using 'we' in the fourth line, which somehow took away from the deep-level perspective you had started right off in the first two lines.

Perhaps you could make the first paragraph those two nice lines and skip straight to the second paragraph (as a new paragraph) and start _showing_ us his reservation instead of telling it to us. You tell us why this person is here, rather than showing us through her thoughts.

You could possibly introduce the reservationconcept and the implants by slipping it in as a thought as she interacts with other characters, staring at the place the implant would be, and how it would let her be rid of the place. I got confused on how she did know Mark's name, I've read through the section several times, but I honestly don't see where Shea got a chance to read his chip. You mention it later, but if it is in the story here, I've missed it. It would be a great opportunity to show us how the implants work and how the non-compliance people use them to get the one-up on the compliant folks.

The taser scene I had a really hard time disbelieving; tasers hurt. There isn't anything nice or stand-up and suck it up about a taser. With one in the gut, I just couldn't bring myself to believe that he managed to get off that lightly. He should have been on the floor screaming, not just pissing his pants. I'd consider making more reactions from this Mark to make it more realistic.

At the end of the chapter, I was interested in the world you created; you have a good concept in terms of speculative fiction regarding tracking technology and implants. I like this. What I think does need some work is a more intimate approach to the story. More focus on playing out the character, her thoughts, and the culture of the people; you feed us a lot of this in telling rather than showing, and i think this would really be improved by going back and making the writing level more intimate and deeper. First person POV should be among one of hte most intimate types of writing. We should see this character on a deep level, even from the first chapter. Right now, she feels kind of flat, acting and reacting to those around her without really digging in to the deeper things. The groundwork is here, I just think it needs to be taken to the next level. The concept is definitely here, but it needs a little more in terms of execution, in my opinion.

The second chapter has an interesting dynamic. You seem to take a little more time to focus on Shea's thoughts and life, but I didn't get a sense of urgency from her even with the news that someone was wiped and chipped. It didn't feel like there was any real and immediate risk or threat to her by the end of the second chapter. She's taken precautions, she is generally cautious, and the tension and gripping sense of urgency just wasn't communicated to me.

I'm going to stop here in case you decide to work through edits. If you decide to do a major overhaul of this, let me know and I'd be glad to give it another read, as I feel that the concept here is really quite interesting and I'm curious to see just what you're planning on doing with it.

Hope my thoughts are useful to you. Good luck!

Something they all have in common: they all come

Favorite nightly game: guessing what…

his neatly combed hair and button up shirt are signs…

on the other side were limited, and she had no choice…

“Fuck you, bitch! What are you going to do about it?

You’re pretty quick on the uptake

In the five years I’ve lived here, he (needed word) taken me under


Here's some tips on the whole colon/semi-colon thing:

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/colon-grammar.aspx

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/semicolons.aspx

Great concept and very true to the times of self-serving people not thinking about how all this convenience may have a price of permanent constant surveillance.

Hi Paige,

I skipped ahead and read a few chapters in random order, personally i find it easier to assess the work if i'm not loosing myself in it.
If i let myself go, i could easily spend hours reading your book and then i'd be in a lot of trouble for not finishing my own ;)
Compare your writing style between chapter 1 and chapter 8. Chapter one is thick with descriptives, chapter 8 flows far more naturally, i can really hear your voice in the writing and it's a good voice.
Also, chapter 1 is well polished. My pet peeve is words repeated within a single sentence and while you don't do it to the extreme there are many occasions where your ability to write has overpowered your desire to edit.
"Boss gets up and leads us out the door and we head toward the main entry door" is where i stopped reading and makes for a good example. Loose the second door and stick a location before main, just my opinion.

Overall if i saw this book in a shop i'd probably give it a go. it'll stay in my watch list waiting for shelf space. 5/6

Hi Paige/NerdGirl,

This is a fun read with a tough (but compassionate-to-those-she-respects) female lead. Your voice/the voice of your MC is powerful, spunky and funny. I did have some problems with the thinly veiled premise that a college education leads to being brainwashed and ignorant--I feel it is the other way around where, without the enlightenment of a college education, global corporations/big oil and its puppet the GOP will dupe one into what to think--but we are not here to discuss politics and your story is amazing! Not sure that is what you intended but that's how it came across. I don't hold it against you, though, as you will see.
Chapter 1:
"the shiny red the red candies" remove "the" before "red"
Chapter 2:
A few times there is a definite missing comma--for example, "Jesus Nate, she's just a kid." I would write this as such "Jesus, Nate--she's just a kid."
"Real nice asshole" has a different meaning than "Real nice, asshole." So you should look for places where the comma is going to deliver the meaning you want. Usually someone's name is separated by a comma when mentioned in dialogue. Another example: "Just be careful, Wynne."
"worth damn" might be better as "worth a damn."
"work-out" -- when used as a verb as you use it, it should be two words, no hyphen.
All that being said, I think this is an excellent, credible SF tale and the way you write is going to go over BIG with male SF readers. Six stars and a CANDIDATE for my shelf in the future.
Sincerely,
Dean Lombardo
"Space Games"

Paige, I like your Sam Spade narrative voice. Voice is so important to carrying a book, especially one written in first person and you establish a really strong voice in the first chapter. It felt like it mushed a little in the seond chapter. That's a consistency issue that you should take a look at.

Overalll your writing is pretty clean. You do need a comma to seperate personal pronouns from the main body of the sentence. For example, "Jesus, Nate, she's just a kid." You consistently leave the commas out and it makes for difficult reading. Otherwise, though, I don't see anything really bad as far as grammar and punctuation.

Peace keeper works for what you're using it for. If you really think it's going to cause a problem, consider "peace maker". There's some nice irony in the name, because they're far from peaceful and they're "making" folks comply.

I'll raed some more over the next few days and get back with you. I try to do my major crit on later chapters because most crit is on the first two or three. What I've read so far is a good start with just some minor issues. The premise is good, your descriptions build the scenes, and your characters are believable. I like the touches of humor that sort of relieve the tension. I'm envisioning Soweto circa 1980 -- ramsackle shacks and filty streets, maybe a stray goat wandering about.

Then, as an Alaskan, I'm kind of an anarchist (along the lines of the US founding fathers, not the Italian terrorist types) so I love the concept of non-compliance.I personally think we have more to fear from out of control government than from independent citizens pursuiting their own lives. So you had me early on.

Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

Paige,

Here as part of the swap we orchestrated. I read your pitch and that drew me in and after the first two chapters I'm hooked! As I read it, I imagined this world to be like "Firefly", but before they built space ships and took off from Earth. Maybe I got it wrong, but either way, I love this!

It's edgy, full of action and a few laughs thrown in for good measure. I would most definitely buy this, should I see it on bookshelves!

Highly starred, saving space on my shelf for it in the weeks to come and will be back for more!

Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

Paige,
I found "Non-Compliance" to be a fast-paced, gritty piece of work one could curl up and get lost with. Your prose detailing action and scene, is conversational and easy to absorb, your dialogue only when needed. Certainly Shea fills her role nicely with her shoot-from-the hip, fatalistic approach to life. Her protective attitude toward the underprivileged makes her a heroine worth cheering on. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

This is a great concept, and unfortunately, a very realistic scenario for a future gone Big Brother. It only takes one step here, another step there, and in forty or so years inserting chips could very well be a possibility. But, hopefully not.

So, thumbs up for the concept and also thumbs up for such a gutsy main character, a no nonsense ball kicking tough girl. I liked Shea's voice and she kept me entertained nicely. The bar scene also worked with the frat boys / Compliants causing trouble. The secondary characters were all fleshed out nicely and I didn't see any structural problems-all good there. I only have dialogue suggestions. Not the content, because that was perfectly fine and sounded natural, only in relation to the missing commas that need to surround the name of the person being spoken to. eg. "Give 'em hell Shea!" *Comma missing after hell. I also found one typo in the first chapter, paragraph four: ...reminds me of the shiny the red candies I used to eat as a kid. **Extra "the" before "red."

That's all for now. When I read chapter 2 I'll leave you another comment. All the best, Marita.

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: An engaging start. Shea is a kickass heroine, literally. I'm eager to see how she handles the challenges she's sure to encounter. Good world building. Effective descriptions. Strong sense of place. Good tension. Crisp pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Excellent opening line.
2) Hyphenate 'well dressed.'
3) "You dumb bitch, you need to keep your nose out of our business!" The frat boy yells. 'The' should be lowercase. 'The frat boy yells' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase. There is another case of this type of problem in this chapter.
4) "Fuck you BITCH, what are you going to do about it? The jerk-off retorts ... Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. Also, there's no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics or and exclamation mark to emphasize words. Finally, 'The' should be lowercase for the reason given in #3.
5) "Oh Mark, you are so innocent." Comma after 'oh.' As mentioned above, when you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases in this chapter where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
6) ' ... and most kids had at least one parent that was involved or killed in the war.' 'That' should be 'who.'
7) 'I laugh and as I take another drink of my beer.' Consider removing 'as I.'
8) Great end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) "Hey Frank, I gotta go!" Comma after 'hey.' As mentioned above, when you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There are more cases in this chapter where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
2) Capitalize 'internet.'
3) Hyphenate 'self conscious.'
4) "Oh No!" 'No' should be lowercase.
5) "$50 scrip dollars and a couple items we need." '$' and 'dollars' are redundant. Consider deleting '$.' Also, spell out numbers 1-99.
6) 'I see her face brighten' sould be 'her face brightens.'
7) 'I take off my cargo pants in favor of a sweat pants.' Consider removing 'a.'

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) When I awake I am greet by the sound of rain hitting the window, "Damn it rain, and I got my long run to knock out." Period after 'window.' The only time a narrative sentence that precedes dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when the narrative sentence is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). Since this narrative sentence isn't a dialogue tag, it should be punctuated with a period. There are more cases in this chapter of this type of problem.
2) ' ... and grocer two doors down is setting out what remains of his fresh produce.' Insert 'the' before 'grocer.'
3) Hyphenate 'well dressed.'
4) 'I lock my sites on the ten foot fence ... ' 'Sites' should be 'sights.'
5) "Ms. Shea you are late". Comma after 'Shea.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases in this chapter where you address someone in dialogue, but didn't offset their name or title with commas. Also, put the period inside the closing quote mark. There are more cases in this chapter where the period needs to be relocated to inside the closing quote mark.
6) Nice end of chapter hook.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a marvelous day, Paige.

Al

I have added your book to my bookshelf because you were recommended by MDWS77. Since I don't have a book on the site, can you look at his book?

As promised -

Premise is fantastic, great idea.
I have read the first six chapters and your writing is very engrossing and sleek. I only intended to read 2 or 3 chapters but I was hooked and read on. I will be passing this to my wife to have a read because she would love this.
I have added 5 ***** to this fantastic book.
Jimmy Threepwood and the Veil of Darkness

This is a fabulous idea for a novel. I LOVED it. I could easily see this as a movie.

Holly

Very good book. Gave it a higher rating and keeping an eye on it.

As tight a piece of writing as you'll find. The voice of the narrator is strong and clear, the pace relentless and the plot in your face. Great stuff.

There is something very compelling about this story. There's a good, atmospheric start with the first chapter. The second chapter moves a little slowly, and yet I found myself continuing to read. From a plot perspective, things don't really get cooking until chapter 6, but I think I was hooked early on by the very appealing character of Shea. It's a grim and gritty world she lives in, but she has strength and integrity, and more than a little anger, to see her through.

I sat down to just read a chapter or two, and I read a third of your book this morning. I'm going to finish it, I think. There's the highest compliment I can give a book. You hooked me, as few other books on this site have. Congratulations and high stars!

I'll send a few more comments via email. Best, Mark

Hi there. I just read chapter one and enjoyed your tale so far. Shades of Firefly and Indiana Jones in there. Your writing is fluid and the story has promise.
I caught some typos and errata I thought you might want to know about (forgive me if you don't; here they are anyway!):
In the five years I've lived here (insert: he) has taken me under his wing.
good (cut 'ol; insert ol' ) days
I laugh and (cut: as I) take another drink of my beer. When I look (cut: up) in the mirror (cut: in front of me) I notice...
I swing around on my barstool (cut: around) and throw my beer in his face (cut: then insert: period). In two heartbeats (insert: I) kick him between the legs.
I don't know(cut ; insert ,)" Frank replies
From out of nowhere a half (cut: a) dozen people appear (cut -ed, to make the tense consistently present tense) (cut: only) happy to do the job. It's hard to (cut: tell insert: say) what'll happen to this poor soul.

If you get around to checking out Lost Wink, please feel free to return the scrutiny.
You've got a fun story going here. Good luck with it!

Ch. # 2

Wow, two good chapters in a row. First and foremost, the hashing algorithm made me laugh < -computer science student. I learned hashing a year ago, actually. Back when I took data structures, along with trees, linked lists, stacks, queues, ect.

The exposition here is really top-knotch, and you've really done a great job of getting that gritty, dark feel in here. The only criticism I have for the entire chapter is actually the VERY first sentence. I think it needs a pause, like a comma or period in there somewhere. But other than that, well, umm... Just wow, I'm floored by your writing.

Wow, after reading this, I think I want to remove my story from the website. This was a fantastic first chapter. First of all, Shea is a BADASS. I love her already. Stupid frat boy, hehe.

I really don't know what the procedure here for writing comments is, and I tend to ramble in mine, so please forgive me, I think that your use of language here was excellent, and in the entire first chapter, there was literally only one thing I didn't like. And that was the sentence you used "Sheepishly." I'm no where near your level of writing, so my opinion probably doesn't mean much on this, but I just find Sheepishly to be a horrible word in fiction. It's the kind of thing that's overdone, and used too much. I doubt that makes any sense, and like I said I have a tendency to ramble. Now... are we allowed to comment on each chapter we read? Or was I supposed to read the whole thing in one go and then comment? I hope you can teach me some of the basics here, and I'm glad this was the first story I'm embarking on!

Hi,

I read the first page of this. I found it to be enjoyable, tongue-in-cheek, and a comfortable, easy read. Much of it is very familiar sci-fi fayre and (intentionally, I suspect) pays homages to a number of fave sci-fi landmarks. Here are a few I spotted:

Ross Deckard (Rick Deckhard, Blade Runner)
'We don't care for your type in here' (the bartender in Star Wars?)
The last bastions of free will (I'm certain that line's from something, but I can't place it)
'You mess with one of us you mess with all of us' (from a fair few films. One which springs immediately to mind is 'Spiderman').

There also a big fat streak of William Gibson running through here as well, with the skull implants, the tech, the "we're-going-agree that-the-techno-babble-I-use-is-commonplace-language-so-I'm-not-going-to-explain-it-and-ruin-the-pace-of-the-story" narrative, and the smoky, grimy, slummy setting. Paying homage to all these great sci-fi and cyberpunk moments is no bad thing. In fact, I'm kind of hoping that the whole book is riddled with 'nods' to the Greats.

I've added this to the watch list and will be back for more soon.

Feel free to reciprocate the read.

Paige, I love you characters and concept. You pull the reader right into the story. We get an immediate feel for your MC and intriguing questions are raised as plot develops. It is nicely written, good visuals, good emotions evoked. Well done.

Some of my observations which may be useless, but i'll throw out some thoughts. Writing is very good on the whole, but i feel could use some tightening up. Less is more. I found the opening paragraph a bit confusing as it unfolds, The immediate picture is people being physically forced somewhere, like a concentration camp. "They put me here" They forced her to run her own business? I understand what your saying but i have to decipher it as i read on. Just seems a bit awkward to me.

Perhaps an example of tightening paragraphs up a bit: "Another familiar face caught my eye, Lucinda Grey. Lucinda is a dancer at the local adult club (entertainment doesn't need to added), and looks like she has a potential client on the hook (Do dancers at clubs look for clients at bars, or is she a prostitute? and how much of this is you MC making things up and what she knows, that is confusing). "Chances are she was a dancer or worked in porn before coming here. (If she is a dancer it is probably safe to say she 'was' a dancer). ... she had no choice to come here ( to the bar, that side of town? Is she at the bar to earn money, are we to assume she is a prostitute, Does it matter? I know your setting the scene and it does that, but to me needs to be condensed and simplified - tightened up just a bit.

Just thoughts. But all in all a great piece of work, Well done! Cheers Chris.

Hi Paige.

Usually I comment on spelling mistakes and such, but "Non-Compliance" looks good.

I really like your protagonist. She seems like a pretty tough chick with an attitude. I like strong female characters. And you do well at putting us right into her daily life. Some writers tend to tell too much of the backstory, especially on stories like these, but you do well.

I like your use of dialogue, and how you describe the setting. Your characters seem realistic, with flaws and goals. I like the words you use, i.e. "Frank waddles..." I also like starting the book with, "I used to matter." That is a good hook, and gives us a clue of the protagonist's sardonic humor.

Good writing, good story. I enjoyed what I read.

Shaun Holt
"Waiting for the Rain"

Hi Paige. Great story, I love a chick with attitude. I just noticed you ended the first two sentences of the second paragraph with 'coming here' and then used it again in the fourth sentence, I think. I find it usually flows better if you don't repeat the same phrases too close together.

Paul.

Non-Compliance is very well-written and has great characters that really come to life. The dialogue feels natural and flows really well, and the descriptions really transport you into the universe you've created. Shea comes off as tough-as-nails and yet relatable, and watching her interact with other characters is a lot of fun. I also like that you don't get too technical with the gadgets, instead focusing on what's happening rather than how. It's also quite the page-turner; I tore through the first half. I like that it has a more intimate focus than a lot of sci-fi, really zeroing in on the characters and how they deal with the world around them. A great example of cyberpunk!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project (http://authonomy.com/books/41618/astral-sea-the-pandora-project/)

Its rare to find a good cyber punk novel online, but this one is great. I think the reason why I like it so much is because it reminds me of FireFly. And I loved that show. Highly starred.

The author's writing is vivid and, like all good writing, appeals to all 5 senses. The atmosphere reminds me a lot of the telly series Firefly.

Watching Shea manipulate the system is interesting. I'm certainly sympathetic. I detested Facebook before I was talked into trying it and managed to get kicked off twice. (giggle)

Five chapters in and it's giving me a good run for my money. I'm not cognisant with American politics, but I seem to detect a layer of political commentary from the start, separate and apart from the obvious.

Fully backed!

Dear Paige,

Please accept my humble apologies for the delayed response.
I liked your vision of intended utopia turned dystopia. The premise is plausible and the authentic dialogue driven narrative is interesting and fun to follow. The dexterous use of 1st person POV is commendable.

The characterisation is strong and the protagonist came across as mysterious and feisty with some interesting skills. I’m assuming that there’s some kind of chip involved here as well. I look forward to reading more later as time permits. I’m giving it 6 STARS and keeping it on my WL for future backing.

Best regards,
AGC

I like everything about this book. Great title, great cover art and the story is fantastic. I just read the first few chapters and I want more. Your imagery and diologue flow well and make for a very easy and engrossing read. Thanks so much. Many stars to you and I will surely be back for more!

Non-Compliance is a great cyber-punk type tale, and it kind of fits in with the mood of people today. Set in the future, everyone who doesn’t install a reader in their head for the government has to move to the non-compliance sector, like hacker Shea Kelly.

Of course the non-compliance sector is run-down compared to the rest of the city. The atmosphere of the dingy bar that Shea works in is well described. You can easily picture it, the sights and the smells of the place. Shea herself is well-rounded and very human, presented as a capable fighter, but also flawed. She can lose fights too, which is nice.

In typical cyber-punk fashion, seemingly simple jobs and events blossom into full-scale conspiracies that put the main character and her friends in dire straights, and forces them to take actions that have repercussions beyond simple survival.

Author Paige Daniels has crafted a real page-turner. I read a lot of these types of novels and I can say that Non-Compliance is better than a lot of them already sitting on the shelves. This novel will gain a wide audience of appreciative fans once published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Cheerful, isn't it?

Actually, you use smug humor pretty well to balance out the despair of what's going on.

It's pretty well-written for the most part but watch out for cliche and making your MC one-dimensional. She's got some character, for sure, but I'm not getting enough of a sense of complexity.it's okay for her to be a tough-as-nails chick but what more is there? What are some of her self-doubts, worries? What does she want most? We get mere hints of these.

You've got a really great environment, feel, and set-up for some great story. I'm watch-listing this one because you've got a lot of good places to take it.

Hello Paige, I read the first three chapters and I'm hooked. I l thought it was very good. I can't wait to read more when I have time. I am giving 6 stars and I have it on my watchlist.

Hello Paige,
I had a problem loading chapter 3 so skipped straight to 4. Maybe my computer. I picked out some of the typos I found, hope it helps.
Chapter 1
Ross Deckard… works at (the) grocery store down the street.
‘I quickly position myself between the local and the frat boy jerk off’ best not to split infinitives, find another verb, like ‘I jumped in between or pushed in.

Didn’t really get why Mark was so unnerved by Shea before she used his name.

‘Sorry, Miss Shea. Back in the day I used to be quite the pool player.’ Something missing here I think.

Frank: ‘You know it never gets old how you freak out those Compliant bastards…” I don’t know this expression – probably just my ignorance.

‘No kidding, if they knew how easy it is (to) build a reader for those stupid chips…’

Chapter 2
‘I shake my head. Tell her I said I hope (she) gets to feeling better soon.’

‘I let myself in…and go up a creaky staircase that is around the corner from (the) bar.’

That last line of chapter 2 needs tidying up, I think - transpiring before my ears?

Couldn’t get chapter 3
Chapter 4
‘What makes The Feed different from the NCS tabloids…’ The tenses are a bit mixed up her, also media is plural, strictly.

‘Our crops have had (the) worst year ever(,) that is with (the) exception of those in Danny Rose’s territory.’

I love that quip: “There is no such thing as a fair fight.’

‘Danny looks me up and down giving my boobs an(d) extra long glance.’

‘Do you mind (?) I need my hand to access the money,’

‘I try to discreetly wipe a tear from my eye.’ I try to wipe a tear discreetly

I was intrigued with this idea of the New Ottoman Empire, having the Turks team up with the Chinese and the Koreans. Do you see Turkey as a big threat these days? They might get round to forming a sort of Muslim alliance, but with China and Korea?

Dialogue flows really well and natural. Something in the description of the NCS reminds me of the film District 9, very visual. I enjoyed this; you capture the brutality of the situation very well, the helpless feeling of being herded onto a reservation with no hope of getting out. I’m wondering how long this will last, before the government sends the bulldozers in.
Well done! I can see why this had done so well so far. It should make the ED if there’s any justice.
Jane

Loved the opening plot full of lots of rich detail. The first chapter was very interesting and informative. Can't wait to read more when I get the time!
Thanks,
Scott

Loved the opening plot full of lots of rich detail. The first chapter was very interesting and informative. Can't wait to read more when I get the time!
Thanks,
Scott

I LOVE the concept of this. I hate technology, well not all technology but most of it. Despite being only 25 I complain like an old woman about how the art of conversation is dead, and how kids don't play out anymore because they're on the xboxes. And all these apps blow my mind, haha. So I could totally see how this is what could eventually happen.
Shea is a great main character, very smart and sassy. She kind of reminds me of Sookie Stackhouse, but that's not a bad thing as she's a great MC too.
Great ideas, good writing, I loved the humour.
Well done. 5*

Luciana House
'Burning Angel'

Paige,just read this all the way through. Chapter one I adored - Shea is fantastic, a tough girl with loads of skills and in a bad environment that is going to test the strength of her character to the limit. I love the idea of the chip, and the fence that NCs can't cross, and the dipsticks who can come in from the 'normal' world [reminded me of Orwell's 1984 and the 'proles quarter' that no Party member would dare go into]. Then, gradually, the story begins to shift and alter, and over the pace of a few chapters I feel suckered into a Romance! I couldn't believe it! Once Shea leaves Frank's bar and starts working for the Boss I forgot about the NCs and the shady government - she's way too safe, too privileged, but worst of all, she no longer has to watch her back. The Boss is a nice old caring father figure! She has a beautiful place to live! She can trust everyone except Danny and the obvious baddies who do his bidding! I am so disappointed. What starts out as an edgy dystopia turns into an alternative society with a fairly clear set of rules. And Shea is worth more than that. I want her to struggle more - first, with herself. She takes the job with the Boss - but there should be a price to pay. She needs more inner conflict! Her friend Wynne should be at risk of the flu and its her fault! And I even think those early scenes should show a more ugly, marginalised NC society. She sees the kids queueing for food - I think there should be more lawlessness - dead kids, shot by the government or the crime bosses, lying on the streets - it's all a bit cosy. Maybe I am asking too much - but it starts out so strong!
I agree with another commentator about your proof reading - missed words, missing commas and some typos. But they don't bother me as much as the story. I wanted more about the chips, those who have them and those who dont and how they fuck you up... more complexity of character. Hope this makes sense - Frances K

Hey Paige!

Finally, right? I got around to Non-Compliance!

My husband, the scifi guy, said he didn’t care for the first person present tense, that it felt too—well—tense. I, however, like it a lot. It has the feel of hanging out, I think. It eased me nicely into the story and immediately into the middle of her day.

I like the story, too, and scifi’s not really my thing typically. By the end of chapter 3 I realized I liked Shea, but I was scared of her, too. She reminds me of a girl I used to work with: really nice if you’re on her good side, but just beneath the surface was a fighter. You captured that spirit very well.

You clearly have talent. As I read, I envisioned a graphic novel. I could see the grey water, and Wynne’s room, and the new construction on the Compliance side.

Oh—and I like how we both have a Magistrate. (Yours probably isn’t a weretiger, though…)

If I were to recommend anything, it would be a punctuation sweep, but that’s minor. I'm not much for critiques, but I do like a story that engages me.

Hana

Read through the first three chapters. You have a very strong MC in Shea, and I find her very likeable. I did notice one or two tense changes...still fixing those as they pop up in my own story!
I like the character of Frank, how he let's Shea handle everything, and Mr Oto? I don't think I'd personally put up with Mr Oto, but that's why I'm not Shea...Shea, who's in training for God knows what. She's tough and she doesn't mind a bit of pain if it's going to get her where she needs to be.
This is a well written story! You have been on my watchlist for ages and ages. I can tell, from reading through chapter 1 a few months ago, that you've put some work into editing it, and making it better. I love the first person present tense, because you never know....any moment the MC could be wiped off the map. (at least that's what it feels like to me). I think present tense is very useful in this type of story for building tension.
Good luck!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Super Harsh Critique Service!

Please remember, this review is harder than any flesh approximately 2.5 feet off the floor, at a mixed sex, teenage swim meet.

Okay, in the spirit of an effective head shot, I'll start by hitting you firmly between the eyes. 2 stars.

Only reason? Basic grammatical errors. Think of me as the spirit of your dead high school English teacher back from the grave. We all make errors. Missing critical words is one of the most heinous of crimes. Like all good boiled eggs, please take me with a pinch of salt.

To be fair, this book has a really unique voice which I could like. A very 'matter of fact' feel which could keep me reading.

Minor details... what's with all the 'ands' in the books I read? The first paragraph is littered with them. I complain about them so often, my voice has developed a high pitched whining sound I can't shake. Gods above.

Now the deal breakers:

You wrote: 'So they corralled all us here...'
To me, that's about as awkward as finding out your frequent sex partner is in fact related to you by blood.

I would write: 'So they corralled us all to this modern day reservation.'
Feel free to argue with me. In real life, I'm a 40 pound weakling you could blow away with nothing more than aggressive intent. However, my naked look of terror would haunt you forever...

You wrote: 'He works at grocery store down the street...'
When I read this, I could see it being spoken by either a Russian or the Terminator.

I would write: 'He works at a/the grocery store down the street.'
Please give me either 'a' or 'the'. I will thank you. Your readership will thank you.

Life is so easy when you can critique people with no fear of retaliation... ah, what was that? Yes, up on my profile... yes, uploaded part of it...um, I'll be right back, after I DELETE MY BOOK!

Paul.

SF42 Review

Hey there! When I write reviews, I write them as a reader rather than an editor or agent. I make notes about thing as I notice them. Hopefully you’ll find this helpful.

Chapter 1
- I absolutely love the very first line. However, I’d like to suggest changing the second sentence. Currently you have: “My opinions used to count for something then they put me here, where I count for nothing.” Saying that she counts for nothing doesn’t need to be said, since it’s already implied. It’s unnecessary repetition. Instead, you could say something like this: “My opinions used to count for something; then they put me here.”
- I don’t think you even need to say ‘invasive’ because saying they’re being implanted by the government sounds pretty invasive to me already
- I love the opening. I can already get a feel for this character and her style. With that being said, she doesn’t sound the way I thought she might. I think I almost imagined this scientist-type woman, because of the whole ‘brilliant’ career. I suppose her voice/style may have changed after a while in the NCS
- You brought in a really interesting concept: repentance. You mention the guy who’s likely to go back to the other side and agree to be implanted. I like that they’re given that chance because it brings in that element of people who may think of themselves as ‘hard core’ or something like that because they refuse to be implanted
- So, why are implanted people allowed to go to the NCS? Would the government not want to keep them completely segregated?
- I’m a little surprised the ‘frat boy’ was as calm as he was with Shea when she first interrupts. Maybe you could add him trying to push past her to get to the local
- I don’t really like the line “his pretty boy good looks reveal he’s a pussy.’ You could maybe say that he looks like a pussy to her because of his pretty boy good looks.
- Mark does seem a bit like a wimp, because she didn’t really seem that threatening. Words aren’t enough. Maybe add more in about her tone. You have her stepping towards him which is somewhat intimidating, but maybe a bit more of a tone would be good.
- I’m starting to get a better feel for the NCS. At first I thought it was a built up place, in the outskirts or something. Now I see it’s a taken over neighbourhood, almost like a ghetto. I can’t help thinking of when the Germans invaded Poland. I know that’s a terrible comparison, but that’s the feel of the atmosphere I get from your writing.
- ‘we are the last bastions of free will in this country.’ That makes me wonder, actually. Is it really free-will? They’re still controlled by the government, forced to live in a certain area because of their decision. It just makes me wonder.
- Depending on how long the implants have been around, I would think that they would have created protectors so that people couldn’t scan them or something, kind of like how we have those protectors so people can’t take our credit card information.
- I noticed that you use name tags a lot. That’s something that I used to do and people complained and blah blah blah. I don’t have a problem with it, but I can see why people would think it’s unnecessary. When it’s just two people in a conversation, I don’t think we always need to say Frank did this. I did this. Frank did that.

Chapter 2
- “Frank it’s Tuesday. You know what that means.” I would take out the second sentence because Frank’s response shows that he does, in fact, know what that means.
- Shea’s so against the government, so I find it a little ironic that she makes a comment about the government not giving the NCS more funding. Why would they fund people who aren’t co-operating? Why would she even want their money?
- I’d like you to maybe explain a bit more about the whole TradeNet thing, and how they change the orders or why. I know you want to make sure we know that the two women are close and work together, but Shea’s already mentioned her own skills, so maybe you should have Shea be the one on the computer in this first scene.

Sorry for the length of this review. I honestly love your writing. There are some things I didn’t really like, but the style of your writing makes me keep reading. I was only so picky because I wanted to find things to try to help but I really like the story and I’ve backed it happily. Hope you found my notes helpful in some way.

- Nichole

Thats really cool, good original change of gears there towards the end. I'm loving the shift in focus from one character to the other, feels like a natural progession of the story takes place.

The action is well described and Shea is expressed clearly, i can almost picture her in my mind as you write, some earlier description of her features would help a little - something characteristic of her looks to give the reader the image straight away but otherwise she and quinn are great!

i reckon this could be a winner - well done!

Loved it. Could not stop reading. Ready for the next installment.

Hi Paige

I just read 'Non-compliance' and I thought it was very well written. You managed to capture the feel of a dark and lawless future really well.

Nice job

Graham

ok so i just read a few of your chapters and i have to say that i like it very much, i liked it so much that i have backed it. My favorite little saying on the first chapter was about how- ppl are idiots-they want the next biggest thing.. and who needs spies when you put the device in your head. You might have saw while reading my book that my character is very untrusting to the government, and i saw that with yours as well, so it was a good read and i plan on reading more of your book. It seems like its a metaphor for what is going on now, our phones are like tracking devices in themselves and they stay on us all the time, and people dont realize that we have no privacy anymore, and maybe one day it will really be like this...anyways i won't ramble on about it. Keep up the good work!

I really enjoyed reading this, I wasn't able to read all of it, but I didn't find any errors. I really like your story line, and the way your book flows, its really enjoyable. Best of Luck getting to the ED. When I have room on my bookshelf I will definately back.

Mel
Lexie's Tattoo

About time I commented, had this on my shelf for yonks. I LOVE it, really really fun reading.

Just read your Epilogue and it is interesting the you change the Point of View all of a sudden to Quinn. It kind of throws you off. Looks like you have the start of the end with setting up Shea's mysterious past, but it needs some building to end this story and begin the next. Another question. Why does Quinn have painful memories at the end? I would have thought Shea would have that issue. I would think having the Point of View from Shea seeing Quinn getting the call and looking at her strangely would be better. Then have Shea ask what is wrong and take it from there to end the story. Good work though, and you seem to be on the right path.

This is really good. Onto my shelf it goes.

Paige,

I’ve read the first few chapters and have really been pulled in by the story. The plot line about ‘big brother’ and the government watching everyone is something that resonates more and more as our liberties are eroded.

The story moves along well and is interesting. I don’t tend to read for punctuation and grammar, a good editor can do that. So, I won’t comment on those small tings that need fixed. In the end it is the story that rules. You have a good one.

I have backed it for now, not sure how much of a help that will be to you as my TSR took a major nose dive at the end of the year. * shrug *

Best of luck with this,

Sharon
“Lykaia”