Orphan of Greenwich Village

Ch. 10 para starting, "I got out a blank piece..." you write "...it just didn't look like hers no how hard ..." dropped the "matter" no MATTER how hard...

Ch 7 para starting: "She looked at me scornfully ..." Typo: "You're not 1ten ..."
para starting: ""Yes, but I'm almost finished my book ..." typo right there. "I'm almost finished WITH my book" or "I'VE almost finished my ..."
para starting, "I don't know, I've never been to one ..." typo: "...we can take THE home ..."
Good writing!
Joyce

Ch. 1 para starting, :"She was in bed wearing the house dress ..." you use the phrase "...she always dressed proper ..." since "proper" is modifying "dressed" it should be "properly".
Great first chapter.
Joyce ~ Slave

A great read, Matthew! You've really captured a the reader's attention with the opening chapter - such a sad storyline but a fantastic insight to the life of a child back then. I think it's also very believable and it's amazing what a young child is capable of when forced into certain situations - all of which you've put across very well. I've thoroughly enjoyed the first batch of chapters and will keep on going. Highly starred and best of luck climbing the chart!

Lee :-)

I read the first few chapters. I like the way that you title each one with the name of a person. However, I have to admit that I don't like first person books. Every time I start to read one I cringe. Don't know why. I just do. So you can take this with a grain of salt. It seemed fairly well-written. I thought some of the dialogue sounded very formal. Things like: I found my mom when I went to ask about dinner.

Just my opinion, but I think you should work on the dialogue. Other than that I didn't see any problems. Hope this helps.

Matt, I read two more chapters and the story is flowing quite well. It's written in a pure, genuine style that is luring and engrossing. This is another book that I will take my time savoring. Great job!
T. Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

An unusual and highly individual story , partly because of the story line , but also by the milieu which I don't think has been tackled by any other contemparary author - to my knowledge anyway. How you are going to preserve thre boy's independence I have no idea , but it does give one an incentive to read on . Watchlisted and starred.Would you be able to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' which is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon

Matthew, I cannot, just cannot imagine the feelings in that moment as young as you were. It's an intense, but beautifully written first chapter, with the innocence and vulnerability of a young child who has lost his mom. I look forward to reading on in the morning.
T. Donna Robison
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Nice writing, I like the way you take something fairly ordinary and turn it into a really interesting piece. I will return to this work and for the moment put it on my watch list. good luck

Cyrus

Kate,
Thanks for your comment on Orphan of Greenwich Village. In fact, I did try to pare back the first couple of chapters. The results, in my opinion, were awful. that's when I added these paragraphs suggesting skipping to chapter 7.

There is a distinct break in the story between chapter 6 and 7. This the point where George finally gets out from under the thumb of adults (The Doctor, his wife, his aunt, the priest, etc.) and finally has to cope with things on his own. Chapters 1-6 deal with death and churches and cemetaries. Chapters 7 through the end deal with hipsters, artists, girls from the wrong side of town, kids from Harlem, etc. I thought about deleteing chapters 1-6 in their entirety and putting the bare facts in a 1-page prologue, but somehow that didn't seem right. After all, you seem to be enjoying those chapters.

Matt

... I'd like to question those two opening paragraphs though. Telling me I'd miss nothing if I jumped to chapter 6 didn't work for me. And it's clearly disingenuous! I love chapter 2. I'd be tempted to really pare those two paragraphs back to something very simple:
My mother was a recluse. I lived with her in a two-bedroom apartment at 95 Perry Street in Greenwich Village until I was nine, when she died. After that, I lived in the apartment by myself.
That's enough to hook me. A nine year old living in a New York apartment on his own?? Must read on.
Best wishes
Kate
The Licenser

This is a really appealing storyline. I'm interested by George and think the almost dead-pan, going through the motions, scenes you have with him and the Doctor and his wife are excellent. I'm hooked to find out more about the Aunt and already feel that George has a good reason for not wishing to live with her.

I'd like to question those two opening paragraphs though. Telling me I'd miss nothing if I jumped to chapter 6 didn't work for me. And it's clearly disingenuous! I love chapter 2. I'd be tempted to really pare those two paragraphs back to something very simple:
My mother was a recluse. I lived with her in a two-bedroom apartment at 95 Perry Street in Greenwich Village until I was nine, when she died. After that, I lived in the apartment by myself.
That's enough to hook me. A nine year old living in a New York apartment on his own?? Must read on.
Best wishes
Kate
The Licenser

I have read the first four chapters of this and it seemed to fly by. I like the idea behind the story - it is quite unusual and as it is from George's point of view I think you have the tone right. It's a mix between childlike innocence, self-assurance from having to look after himself even when his mother was alive and quirkiness. George's character is developing well.
I wasn't sure about the first paragraph where we are told that we could skip to Ch 7 as nothing much happens before that! Might be slightly off-putting.
All in all I enjoyed reading this very much. Strong characterisation is going to be important in this story and I will be interesting to see how other characters are developed over the next few chapters.
All the best with this. An enjoyable read and well-written. Highly starred and on my WL for now.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Unquie storyline and characters. I am surprised this isn't higher on the charts, it should be. I love historical fiction so backing this was a no brainer. I liked your main character, George alot and could imagine myself in his shoes. Attention grabbing and to the point.

You have a great story here. Backed. Good Job.

Regards,
Chipper Newman

It’s a wonderfully evocative first chapter. We already get a sense that the boy is a quirky character; independent because of his mother’s reclusiveness; he reads books and observes people. Saying, ‘I’m fine thank you’ shows a detachment from emotion that’s intriguing.

It’s a brave move to tell the reader in the first few paragraphs that they won’t miss much in the next 6 chapters. I think if you do that you should go all in, and warn, cajole even plead with the reader to skip ahead.

I liked his reaction to Mrs Rubenstein, instead of just saying he was hungry, he made sure he linked it to the death of his mother. (I think you use the word ‘set’ perhaps a few too many times during the preparation of dinner). It’s great how he figures out he won’t get in trouble. He’s manipulative, he prefers his own room but is clever enough not to say it. It’s interesting how he almost cries when hugged tightly; and notices that feeling go away at the end of the chapter.

All the details about the boy are really well observed, the cleanliness of his clothes, the way he makes the bed, notices the time. I wonder instead of saying there are pauses between Mrs Rubenstein’s phone-call with the aunt, perhaps George could be noticing small details in the apartment, giving the reader natural pauses.

It’s very credible that George would be fearful of being taken away from his familiar surroundings, and he’s introduced so well that we believe he’s smart enough to evade detection.

I look forward to reading more. 6 stars.

Andrew.
The Morning Drop

ORPHAN OF GREENWICH VILLAGE
This is a wonderful story. I like the way you’ve included so many details in this such as what George ate for breakfast. Also details like children reading Bible verses in school. Those days are long gone so adding that to the story makes this feel as if it really happened. I was doubtful at first that a boy could pull this off but after you described the trust fund and how ingenuous George is, I think this really could work. It’s a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I read the whole thing. I don't remember why I watchlisted this, and it wasn't quite was I was expecting, but I did enjoy it. At the end, I was sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Some books are just like that, I guess.

I also noticed the usage of the word "recluse" and not just in the first chapter; it appears in abundance all the way through the book. I understand that a nine-year-old would likely be somewhat repetitive in this manner, but by the sixth chapter I was just almost begging you to have someone describe her as a shut-in, just once.

You have a lot of detail here, which I enjoy for the most part. I did find some of these details, for example the descriptions of meals, a little redundant. I didn't need to read about every bowl of cereal, each evening's porkchop and potato, every peach.

Outside of these issues, I found the story very touching and fun. George is a very nice boy - they don't make boys like this anymore. (I'm taking it on faith that they used to exist.) All the famous people he meets along the way were amusing.

Here's something funny: I had never seen an automat before, so I Googled it, to get an image for my mind. In the images, I spotted Edward Hopper's Automat. Then I knew for certain exactly what George's looked like.

I have a list of typos and spelling errors for you, which I will message you privately if you'd like to have them.

Great pitch! I like how even though you obviously not 9 year old, you convey his words well in the first person. Great detail and touching stuff you got here!

A great story line. The pitch could catch reader's attention witha little tweeking.
I understand that the book is written in first erson through the eyes of a niner year old.The writing is simple. I found the word recluse several times throughout the first chapter, perhaps switch it up with loner or another word. I think this story could possibly be a winner with some editing.
Good luck
Regards, Red

I loved your book. You are a very talented writer. I liked that you told us everything--great detail. And I liked that there wasn't any fluff. Your story is direct and to the point. It flows perfectly and is very easy to read. You ask in your intro above to let you know if your book is publishable?? I say yes. Great job. 6 stars.

great premise. great story.
j
what every woman should know

Hi Matthew,
I found this story endearing and sad. George is a great character, I wanted to take him home and mind him myself.
I read the first 5 chapters and a couple from the middle and your story moves along nicely. I love your attention to detail. You have a wonderful book and I wish you the very best. Backed with high stars.
Olive.

Hello, Matthew-

I dove right into chapter 21, made a few quick notes as I read along, and came to the end of the delightful chapter wishing I had time for the entire book. What a story through the eyes of a 9-year-old! George and his friend traipsing around Greenwich Village in the 50’s, looking for beatniks (hipsters!), trying not to get lost in the big city, preoccupied with cowboys as he checked out cowboy books in a library and looked for an art theatre playing High Noon, then finally running into “hipsters” at Washington Square. I wish this book were around when I was nine- I would’ve devoured it!

A few nitpicks:

“…Are we likely to meet any hipsters?’ Double quote after hipsters.

“I’ll just call it through her bedroom door.” Call her, not it? Maybe leave out “it?”

“Centerburg tales.” Capital T.

“We went slowly down the street and finally reached the next corner, which was labeled 5th Avenue.” I stumbled over this. I don’t think we can say a corner is “labeled."

“Until a car honked for us to go get out of the way.” I’d suggest dropping “go,” even though we Americans do talk like this. Here the sentence just seems cumbersome.

Finally, I’d question whether George was in third grade at age nine. Shouldn’t he be in fourth grade at that age?

Great job, Matthew. You’re going to be published, no question about it.

Good luck,

Dan Carroll
SlumAuthor

Your pitch is great; who could resist taking a peak at your book after reading that! I've read a couple of chapters and definitely want to read more! Popping you on my watchlist for now and rated highly. Well done with this, it's great.

Matthew,

I've just read the first two chapters posted here (The Mother and Mrs Rubenstein chapters). Here are my thoughts. Young George is a great MC for your story. His voice rings true from the first sentence, like he was was sitting in a room telling the reader his story, face to face. Your writing has a smooth, economical flow, there's nothing extraneous here, the backdrop of the city or the light through a window giving the reader a good idea of where they are in time and place. Dialogue is a another strong feature - real and in bearing with your characters.

From your pitches, long and short, I like the sound of where your story is heading. And with George you have a very likeable, sympathetic main character, one the reader can really root for.

Minor points: I think, when writing in the first person, mother should be capitalized as Mother. And I wasn't quite sure about the sentence (in the Mrs Rubenstein chapter) 'She looked a question at him.' (she looked questioningly at him)

That said, a top drawer opening. More than happy to give you a run on my shelf

Regards

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

Hi Matthew,
Interesting story! I've only had a chance to check out the first couple chapters. I like the main character and am curious to see what happens farther on if I can get back to this. Good job with setting the tone. From what I've seen so far, and your own comments from some time ago, the story doesn't launch until chapter 6 or 7? If that's the case, I would suggest pruning a lot more aggressively to get us there more quickly. You are very attentive to detail, I think perhaps to a fault, and a lot of those details aren't essential to keep the story line moving forward. I would drop the first few paragraphs and just slip essential details in farther along as needed. (If you want that level of attention and email me the first chapter I'd be happy to mark it up with suggestions, but only if that's something you'd like.) Best of luck with this! Thanks!

Matthew, I couldn't stop reading, and forced myself to stop at Chapter 11. There are others demanding attention!
Suffice it to say that this is unique in so many ways - idea, plot management, flow, dialogue, situations, characters, and - well - charm, especially when George is showing remarkable sophistication for a 9-year-old kid - remarkable, except that his reclusive mum must have induced this.
I was delighted when he met his namesake Dylan, an idol of mine in the 50's. Much more to reminisce about that, especially about "A Child's Christmas in Wales".
Meanwhile, a place is waiting for George on my Shelf with 6 stars,
David Grant,
"Pompey Chimes"

Was passing and only read your pitch, but thought I'd leave some comments.
Using your short pitch for the first line of your long didn't work for me, it just felt like repetition.
I thought your long pitch could have done with a bit more vim. Not so much what happens and how, but more the import of it, what the effect might be, in short, why do I want to read about a little boy on his own?
Lastly, only your American and Americanised readers know how old a third grader is, so you might want to reconsider describing him as such in your short pitch.
I hope this might be a little useful, a good pitch can make a big difference.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

I read this in one sitting, and the comment that comes to mind first is not 'Will this book be published?', but 'When will this book be published?'.

With George, the impression I got was that you (as author) started writing his story, but he himself gradually took over, and wrote through you. The exact menus of every meal he ate, and the details of the subway trains and stations were exactly what a nine-year old would concentrate on. This is a piece of writing that works on more than one level - exactly as the Narnia books do. There is a poignancy on the adult level that I doubt would be apparent to a young reader, and that is one of the qualities that turns a good book into a great book.

I am really hesitant about seeming to criticise, but I would like to make a few points,

Firstly, as a British reader - 'magic candy' - Oh dear ...

Secondly, I felt that towards the end of the book there was beginning to be to much emphasis on the word 'strange', the reply 'I'm only in the Third grade', and too often 'they laughed' after George said something. We, as the readers, know that anyway. I was left with the impression that you wanted to get the book 'done and dusted' and hurried over the last few chapters.

As to the two questions you have asked your readers. I'm sorry, I cannot help with the second, but as for the first, I wouldn't use the word heart-wrenching, but, as I wrote earlier, there is definitely a poignancy which is beautifully conveyed. Particularly in the way that George can distract himself with, for example, eating. So very true of that age group.

There are several typos, and some odd half-formed sentences, but no doubt those would come out in the wash.

I was intrigued by the British references you used - C S Lewis, Greensleeves, and of course Dylan Thomas himself. Especially in such a quintessentially American book. I'm sure you know (but I don't know how many of your readers would, particularly the younger ones) that Dylan Thomas died in October of that year.

A splendid book - thank you for giving me the chance to read it.

Would I be right in thinking that these books influenced you?
'Roller Skates' - Ruth Sawyer
'My Side of the Mountain' - Jean Graighead George
'The Mixed Up Files of Mrs Basil E Frankweiler' - E L Konigsberg

This is a really interesting concept.
I liked the character of George and wanted to know more about him.

From what I've read, the writing is confident and comfortable with believable dialogue. The flow and pace are good and the storytelling steady.

I'm starring this now and will put it on my shelf as soon as there's room.

Good luck!
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Orphan of Greenwich Village is a charming story and highly believable. At first, I didn’t see how a 9-year old would be able to pull off living in the apartment by himself, but George was in a perfect position to do so, and everything fell into place perfectly. Once that is established, the rest of the book detailing George’s adventures really flows even more.

Author Matthew Brennesholtz does a great job of showing us the world through the eyes of a child. Of course George is not your average kid, but he’s always believable and acts as a perfect innocent person to view the world. This is the same charming formula used in books and movies like Forest Gump, with the innocent main character experiencing the world and seeing things differently than the rest of us who have been tainted and jaded by life.

While George is quite cool, so are all the supplemental characters that interact with him, from other kids to adults. To say that the Orphan of Greenwich Village is a character-driven story is an understatement. Brennesholtz is a master crafter of characters, with every one of them having a rich back story to the point that all of their reactions seem completely natural based on their social status, history, motivations and mood.

I’m generally not a fan of first person narratives and prefer more story-telling with heavy dialog, but it works here and is done well. In fact, if more books were written in first person like this, I think I would like that style a lot more. Here the first person perspective helps to enhance the inherent innocence of George, so it really helps move the tale forward.

Orphan of Greenwich Village is a delightful story that will have no problem capturing a wide and appreciative audience once published. I have no doubt that it will earn both critical acclaim and commercial success.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

I just finished the first three chapters. This is well written and so far, an interesting story! There are a couple of typos, misspelled words, etc. Once you have George say, "ordinarily" and I felt like a third grader would say "sometimes" instead.
I did feel that the voice of the little boy was well done overall. Loved the part where the Doctor took him home and they prayed, probably in Hebrew and he felt like it was 'right'. I'm guessing "Under God" wasn't in the pledge at this time?
Highly starred!
Good Luck!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

An incredible style of writing, you are truly a storyteller.
Strong pitch followed a mind-blowing story.
The pace quickly drew me in and the well described characters.
Your writing is fluent and easy to follow. Action, tension, humour, this book has it all
Pitch, pace and powerful.
Pov add to the plot.
Full of emotion and tension, yet not too much to make reading tedious.
Good read.
Well done.

The plot is effective in that it gets the reader emotionally involved in the story and it lays out a big challenge for Georgie. Your description of the culture of the era is good, although some physical descriptions of things and clothes of this time period would help bring it further to life.

Be careful with your grammar and literary style. Numbers below 20 should be written out.

It should be “two-bedroom apartment”.

Typo: “I knocked again and then when IN.”

Show possession: “neighbor’s garden.”

The boy sounds too calm when he’s on the phone with the doctor. And his reaction to her death is also too subdued. Perhaps there is an explanation for his behavior, but it isn’t apparent.

You're off to a good start here and this story is sure to have an impact on readers. I'll back it.

Brian Bandell
Mute

George seems to take everything in his stride - reminds of a character from one film or another but I can't put my finger on it. He's a great character none the less. Sorry Matt but I have only read the first couple of chapters as I have a few more to get around but I will come back for more. Your writing style, right at the end of chapter one, I suddenly got it - very reminiscent of Steinbeck. A protagonist doesn't have to be all emotional just to garner the readers sympathy - look at ken Kesey's, Randle McMurphy or Bukowski's, Chinaski.
Anyway - enjoyed what I read so far.

David

E.R.

Thanks for your support. I like George, too. Hope you read enough to meet Sally in Chapter 7 and Chloe in Chapter 21. Chloe is, perhaps, my favorite character in the book. I thought I liked Sally best until I started writing Chapter 21 and met Chloe. Men are fickle that way.

Matt

I've only read the first few chapters so far, but it looks like a very interesting story. I get the sense that George is dispassionate too, but in a way that 9-year olds are to some degree - he doesn't really realise the magnitude of what has happened to him or the long-term consequences of his mother's death. Instead he only sees the present and what is happening to him right now. My point-of-view may change, of course, as I read further - and I defiitely will read further!
All the best
Ingrid
aka Jack1761

Rooting for your boy Georgie here--I've pulled off some capers in my youth but not at age nine, and certainly none of this magnitude! Congs on creating such a truly admirable, somewhat eccentric, and totally endearing young narrator. 'Orphan of Greenwich Village' is a super story, told in the authentic and unwavering voice of a child so I'm shelving it AND plugging it on my website now. Here's what I just posted about it on my blog:

'Hapless third-grader, Georgie Thomas, has a recluse for a mother. And, making matters even more complicated than that might be for him, she's also dead now.

It's 1953, in lower Manhattan. Not the greatest time or place to find yourself suddenly an orphan. Unless, of course, you've got a lot of wherewithal and tenacity. Like Georgie.

Starring a smart and endearing protagonist that's easy as pie to root for, you don't want to be overlooking this gem, folks. Orphan of Greenwich Village by Matthew Brennesholtz is a true classic in the making. Find it right now in my Fiction section.'

(To view it there just use the link on my Authonomy profile page. If you're on Twitter, tweet the blog post. I will also do so later on.)

CHEERS, Matthew, and very best of luck with this terrific novel.
E.R.


P.S. If you're looking for a few good reads as well, please consider the other books on my shelf. They too can use some extra support, mate!

I read your first two chapters, and I think things are off to a good start. George telling the reader that he lived in his apartment alone from the time he was nine years old is a good hook.
I felt instant sympathy for George when his mother died, though I thought he did seem almost indifferent to her death, calmly calling her doctor and saying he thought there was something wrong with her. I would think that any child who loses his mother like that would be extremely upset, and except for a couple of instances where he 'almost' cried, I didn't really see any emotion at all.
But George is charming, in his way. You've done a good job of seeing life through the eyes of a child.
This requires little in the way of editing, maybe just tightening up sentences a bit and cutting down on repeated words (recluse come to mind).
Best of luck!
Emily

George is dispassionate, in part, becasuse I am dispassionate. While there is nothing autobiographical about this novel (My mother died at 93 when I was in my 60s), he and I share an attitude, small wonder at that.

I think I read part of Auntie Mame (or Around the World with Auntie Mame?) once, and watched part of the movie. Obviously I am not familiar enough with it to address similarities and differences.

Two questions I would like to ask my readers:

1) Derek Tobin commented that it was "Heart wrenching." That wasn't my intention. I wanted a boy of 9 on his own and how could I do that if he had a mother and/or father? George's mother dies and George doesn't really react much. (Dispassionate?) If there is some way to get George on his own in Greenwich Village without his mother dying or some other tragedy, I'm open to suggestions.

2) Chapters 1 - 6 are really introductiory and explain exactly how George fell through the cracks and came to live by himself. Even in 1953, there was a social safety net and as Roberta Brown says "You've got kin." The real core story, George on his own in the Village, starts in Chapter 7. I tried editing chapters 1 - 6 down but it didn't work, thats why they are still there. I also thought about putting those 6 chapters in a 1/2 page prologue and starting the book at Chapter 7, "Sally." Would this be a good idea?

Comments and/or messages addressing these two issues will get prompt attention.

Sorry about "Greewich." The book is mostly spelled correctly: Microsoft Word has a spell check, Authonomy does not.

Matt

George is a very self-sufficient, almost dispassionate narrator and in the little I've read so far I've been fascinated by his reactions. Will definitely read more of this. The setting of over fifty years ago and in such a famous area sets up the potential for a fascinating tale. I was originally prepared for something along the lines of the Auntie Mame stories, but this is different and well done.

Hi Mathew
I enjoyed this and it is well written and flowed well - quite heart wrenching actually. It's not my ususal genre but it was very easy to read. One thing - would a 9 year old know enough to ask the Dr "Could you call an undertaker?" Maybe so - but for me that just didnt scan right. I have starred and will read more when I can.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Ah I see, you have certainly cut quite a bit Matthew! But we do get into the actual storyline, his life after the death of his mother, much quicker.
‘She sent me down to some hamburger for dinner’ – missing the word ‘get’
I really like the character of Sally.
It must have been hard for you to cut so much but I think it was worth it. You should really try promoting yourself in the forums a bit, if you start a thread in the Shameless Plugs (which is exactly what it’s designed for) then send me the link and I will help bump it.
Tammy

Hi Matthew, finally made it back to read a bit more! Have finished the first six chapters now (re-read the first bit to remind myself of what was happening).
The more you read the more you understand George’s character, the way he views the world. He is a sweet little boy and his fear of ending in an orphanage is understandable.
Julia thought my mother had made the cookies but I had really made then the night before – then should be them
They made you take them but hardly anyone at them – at should be ate
Goofy jokes about cats. Teachers. My mum did..... – should this be died?
I watched him weight it – not sure if this is a sign of the times but I wonder if this should be weigh rather than weight?
It was 2.00 and while the service was scheduled for 2.30 so we went right in. – doesn’t read quite right, I think get rid of the ‘so’
Further on Aunt Mary says the service was scheduled for 3.00pm
I was confused about George’s age for the first six chapters. We don’t have grades in nz so third grade meant nothing to me. I actually imagined him very young, say 6 or 7. Then his Aunt Mary says he is 11, but a little further on George himself says he is 9 (almost) 10.
I was curious how he was going to get back home by himself without Aunt Mary or Mrs Rubenstein being suspicious but you worked that scenario out well.
It’s definitely a different style of writing than I am used to, but it’s a good style. Will read some more when I can!
Tammy :-)

I like the premise. 9 year old home alone, not for a day but for his life. It seems to me you've thought through both the practicalities and the inevitable evasions/lies. There are many details that show a child's pragmatic viewpoint and the teacher's suspicions are nicely conveyed in Chapter 3. All kinds of potential for a story about a community, through the eyes of a child old beyond his years and with the double-edged benefit of plenty of money. The main character did remind me of many youngesters I've met in my years teaching. For me, the hook to make me want to read on is 'How is he going to survive on his own? How can he stop people finding out?' My worry from the pitch would be whether there is enough narrative drive or whether it turns into well written anecdotes about 'characters' from Greenwich Village'. I've only read the first 3 chapters so that's what I'd be looking for if I read on - narrative development. I like a good story.

Sometimes the child's viewpoint slips e.g. 'whatever 3rd graders talk about' seemed to me to be an adult description of 3rd graders conversation, not a 3rd grader's. If you cut that out and have 'We chatted. Goofy jokes about cats' that works better for me.

You tend to use the same word 2/3 times withing the same sentence or very close together. It's easy to do but reads awkwardly e.g. paid,pay and paid in Ch1 'Of course, i was nine ...' sentence with two different meanings of 'paid' and 'too much attention' twice. I know this reptition can in itself have an imapct, and/or a play on words, but it strikes me as clumsy here. Also 'both westerns. I was western-mad at the time' could avoid the repetition with 'both westerns. I was crazy about cowboys and guns...' or whatever.

I wasn't sure about the repetition of 'recluse' but then I grew to like it, as if George is repeating his mantra about his mother, as in when he locks the door. That worked when he describes people as 'not a recluse', as if his life has been defined by this aspect of his mother.

Beginning of Chapter 3 you have a couple of sentences in the present tense - fine because you're describing a permament feeling and a general state - but it made me wonder about tense. I've been preapring material for my writing group on use of past/present so it might be too much at the forefront of my mind but I wonder what your book would read like in the present tense. the beginning confused me a bit because I thought it was George as a much older person looking back on his childhood, then I decided it was George at 9. If this was written in the present tense it might work in sounding more like this wise old 9 year old. I know some people hate the present tense for a sustained work so it's just a thought.

Some excellent detail to bring a child's viewpoint to life - e.g. the swing and the way you know a lot about people without understanding it in an adult way.

The opening is still not right for me so I went back to it. How's about if you go for the shock hook straight away, seeing as it's no mystery. '... Until I was 9. After I found her dead body in the bedroom, I lived in the apartment by myself' Not keen on 'nice' a sa word. How's about an estate agent word like 'bijou' so it's as if George is repeating what he's heard said. You could even extend this 'a bijou 2 bedroom apartment with fully fitted wardrobes' or something like that.

Jean Gill
Song at Dawn

Thanks for the support. I will fix the typo, plus some other I have spotted.

The language is rather formal for three reasons, not entirely unrelated:
1) That's how I learned to write, back when I learned to write.
2) In fact, it is how everybody learned to write back in the 50s. Writing was a serious business. I still cringe when I receive an e-mail the author didn't proofread.
3) I wanted to make it sound like George Thomas wrote it. After all, it is written in the first person and he is the person. He is a very careful kid. In addition to minimal use of contractions, I also edited the manuscript before posting it in order to purge out words a 3rd grader would not have used and replaced them with a simpler vocabulary.

Hi Matthew, I've only read a couple of chapters for now but I've enjoyed what I read. It's written quite formally which I'm guessing is the style you're going for as all the characters speak in a similar style (lots of sentences where you say ‘that is’ rather than that’s. Like this sentence in chapter two ‘I hope that is ok with you’ rather than how I feel people would say it, ‘I hope that’s ok with you’.)
This is a great original idea and your pitch sells it well. I saw only one minor typo, (And I though she must be dead – should be thought ) other than that it's pretty flawless.
Have given you 5 stars for now and will read more when I can.
Tammy

Hi Matthew, I've only read a couple of chapters for now but I've enjoyed what I read. It's written quite formally which I'm guessing is the style you're going for as all the characters speak in a similar style (lots of sentences where you say ‘that is’ rather than that’s. Like this sentence in chapter two ‘I hope that is ok with you’ rather than how I feel people would say it, ‘I hope that’s ok with you’.)
This is a great original idea and your pitch sells it well. I saw only one minor typo, (And I though she must be dead – should be thought ) other than that it's pretty flawless.
Have given you 5 stars for now and will read more when I can.
Tammy