ONE WRONG TURN

ATTENTION EVERYONE: (Note of response from the author)

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has read / commented / critisized / supported ONE WRONG TURN!!!! From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

As a novice writer I am of the firm belief that the reader is the final judge of a book. That said, it appears that many will judge differently and for varying reasons. I have tried to evaluate all the critique I've received carefully with emphasis on certain author's opinions whom I respect greatly. While as of today (March 8) you see no adjustments to the manuscript. Soon I will be uploading the revised version of One Wrong Turn. (Hopefully as it is on the ED)

Thank you


UPDATE:

Thanks everyone for the support you've shown while I have been absent during the last month. Recently I have had to take a job that has put me back on the road away from home and family as well as left me almost no time for writing, editing ir Authonomy. I am struggling to get the updates completed for One Wrong Turn posted so all can see that I have taken the crit, worked with it and hopefully bettered what many say was a good product to start with.

Today I logged on for the first time in 20 days to see the book at the #1 spot which I appreciate very much. Iam humble I assure you. My present personal situation has been very restrictive (I'm driving a truck over the road) and I have a week off coming up in which I will get the edited version posted.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone for your support and to those who are clued in on my situation and have been the utmost support. Thank You. There really are no words I could say in this trying time for me.

What a fantastic novel! I love the way it goes straight into the action. You can't help but feel sorry for Phillip Murphy. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. The dialogue between Phillip and the cops is very authentic and fits the story perfectly. Your style of writing is straight to the point which is what I like. I only intended to read the first chapter but I got to chapter 3 and you have got me hungry for more! I will put One Wrong Turn on my watchlist to come back to later. No criticisms here. Publication must be around the corner surely. I will also check out The Write In. Well done.

Kim (Pain)

One Wrong Turn is a riviting read. From the start Delaney draws us in to a story that is harrowing. For me, the fact that a series of events such as those depicted in the opening pages could easily happen in the real world makes the book all the more fascinating. The writing style is taut and tough which perfectly fits the genre in general and this book in particular. I found mysely empathising with the protaganist and his visceral emotions as events veer wildly out of control. Phil is caught in a whirlwind of horror that leaves the reader speechless. I'm giving this six stars now, based on the opening. I'm also watchlisting it, as my bookshelf is full at the moment. When there's room, I'll shelve it. Great job!

Shoot,man, you really got me goin' again.
Not just "a" touch of genius - "the" touch. I've caught up with you and read the 13 chapters you've posted to date.
You certainly know how to turn the screw on Phil Murphy, as if it had all happened to you, and in the worst of all imaginable places and company. Yet, with another refreshing breath of cool, clean hope (apart from dashed hopes of Phil's old friends Slick and Lori), you rescue the moblle phone, introducing charactrs who still might junk it or steal it. Then, enter the indefatigable black Sherlock Holmes, and his wife, from your "Miracle in the Swamp"! Your fertile imagination seems never to be exhausted. And as for your knowledge, research , etc., about the US legal system and its persona and characters, maybe all too typical, and certainly formidable, I stand amazed, Then comes that boot again, Grandma's silent, shockingly casual suicide in the cemetery.
This is only the bare bones of the story. What, for me, "bodies it forth" is the telling phrases, which it would be impossible, and unworthy of them, to quote out of context.
As my schoolboy adventure stories used to say: "Don't miss next week's exciting instalment!"
I can't wait. But meanwhile, the Stars have become Galactic, Emmett my friend, and One Wrong Turn" stays on my Shelf.
David Grant

I became a fan of author E M Delaney after reading his excellent book The Write In. Whereas that was lighthearted, One Wrong Turn is darker fare.

The book starts off with a very realistic crime scene that could probably happen to anyone, which in and of itself is scary. But instead of being treated as a victim, the main character is accused of a secondary crime that happens once he is carjacked. This is followed by a railroading procedure of booking in the local jail, a hapless public defender trying to cut a deal so he can move on to the next case, and everyone in the main character’s life thinking that he is guilty.

Having worked the cops and courts beat as a reporter for many years, I can confirm that almost all of the things described in the jail scenes are correct, or at least plausible. The overworked public defender wanting his client to plea bargain certainly is real and does happen every day. The cops acting nice so they can entrap a defendant happens even more often. Delaney must have some experience in the legal system to get so many details correct. It’s nice to find a book that is strong in this area. People really don’t know what goes on behind the scenes, and this shows that world nicely.

By way of critique, the one thing I would offer is that the main character Phillip Murphy isn’t very sympathetic at all. I don’t think readers will care very much for or about him. When the book started out, I thought it was going to be more like Bonfire of the Vanities, where you really feel for the railroading done to the innocent main character. But Murphy acts out, attacks his jailors, yells at his attorney and pretty much does everything he can to make his situation worse. While we feel for him being framed for the accident and probably the later crimes he is accused of, most of the mistreatment he faces once arrested is due to his own making. It might be better if his beatings and mistreatment were the result of prejudice against him, and not his own fault. He’s almost forty years old and seems like a smart guy. I don’t think he would be acting the way he does. If he were more sympathetic, the reader would burn with hatred at the injustice they are seeing, and crave the eventual resolution of his problems rather than being a passive observer of skewed justice.

As with all of Delaney’s books, this one is perfectly crafted and an enjoyable read. Backed with pleasure.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

blurb. heroine vs. heroin

I've given you six stars in hopes that this will help you maintain #5! Have a great day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity, Eden Legacy and Lazarus, Man

What a page turner! This definitely needs to be on the editor's desk! Happy to BACK your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
Sue50

Your writing is perfectly acceptable to hundreds of readers. Only Authonomy seems to think it lacks anything. Publish.

What a fantastic opening for a novel! You set the scene quickly and the story starts rolling right away. This is some compelling stuff, and already in one chapter, I'm hooked. I can easily see why your book is at the top, and I hope you get to the ED this round.

That said, there are two points I'd suggest working on.

First, I found it hard to believe Phil would just stop to call his friends in a clearly shady area. Okay, it's possible, but we don't have enough info on him to believe this action. If he had an arrogant trust in his protection within a locked car, maybe. Or if he parked in a place he thought he was concealed. This just seemed like a very rash action, and made me unsure what I was supposed to think about the character.

Second, work on comma splices, as in "The sign says exit 42, which ramp should I take?" Here you have two individual sentences, so you need a period. I noticed several of these, and found they took away my enjoyment of an otherwise awesome piece.

Well done on this, and good luck!

Daniel Rider

Great in the way in which the novel leaps forward straight into the action, layering one significant problem after the other. As a Brit, the dialogue comes across as authentic, tough and topical.
Can't promise when I'll read the next chapters, but will try to read some more soon.

Great in the way in which the novel leaps forward straight into the action, layering one significant problem after the other. As a Brit, the dialogue comes across as authentic, tough and topical.
Can't promise when I'll read the next chapters, but will try to read some more soon.

This deserves to be on the editors desk. This is one of the best books I have read so far
Regs Tom

I was able to read the first ten chapters, and I was very impressed with your writing. I loved the characters in your book, Chevallier, etc. I'm definitely backing your book!
Debbie Wilson
(Sweet Scent of Justice)

Fast paced,chilling and yet disturbing as we find ourselves immersed in an unfortunate event of a person caught up in horrible nightmare! Your description of Phil's frustration and new found circumstances really pulls the reader in and has one hoping and rooting for justice. Somehow the weak character of Phil doesn't seem to fit this heinous crime. I am anxiously awaiting the twist of the switch of the cellphone.....More!!!!
Mary ann, "Agent H"

Outstanding , plain and simple . A must read

Really, really good.

Best W. Mary

Thank you, Mary. As far as I am concerned, a book can't really be considered serious material until 'Readaholic' has endorsed it.

Emmett

I like to comment as a reader, not an editor. Hands down and excellent read. Would like to read the rest of it. I am going to put your other books on my wl and take a look at them when i can. Really good work, congratulations.
The only editorial comment I wil make is in ch 5 'flee' should be 'flea'. I'm anal about spelling, just ask my kids.
Best of Luck.
If you have a minute, which i'm sure you don't I could use some feedback on
SERVED COLD.
M Cirillo

Really, really good.

Best W. Mary

Wow this is one bad day. Nice tension to pull in the reader and get us interested. I dont know if you are writing just for the American market but some of the slang is lost on me. Apart from that this is well concievied and has an interesting twist. I wish you luck with your HC review
Sue
Knowing Liam Riley
One Foort in the Jungle

A great concept and the pace is good - this is an exciting read.

One small thing to say upfront, and this can apply to the majority of authonomy manuscripts I read, the first paragraph feels over-written and a bit clunky. It is as if you are trying too hard. Actually, that first sentence sets the wrong tone. It tells me that I am going to read something a bit clunky and laboured, which would be unfair.

All genre fiction has its own cliches and tell-tale traits,and the opening chapters do show some of these, not always in a good way. You have a tendency to offer too much information at moments when less is more. One sentence that stood out in this way was:

A sharp tug on Phil's shoulder-length blonde hair insured his compliance as the man jerked his one-hundred-fifty-five pound frame out easily.

You've slipped details of your main character's hair and weight in what should be quite an exciting, thrilling sentence. You slow the action down with detail we don't really need to know at this stage. The opening of the book is all about the set-up and the action.

A phrase like 'insured his compliance' feels a bit clunky to me. By which I mean that it doesn't sound natural, the way people usually speak. It sounds more like the formal language police officers use in statements.

So, you have a strong premise and can handle pace very well but I would recommend going through the current version with a red pen and taking out anything which slows the reader down. Lose some of the baggage and you will have a tighter, tauter story.

Best of luck, I think you are potentially on the way to having a very good book on your hands.

Hi Emmett, I have just cleared all my books from Authonomy and posted a new work, Hellion 2. There are issues within this work that I am most anxious to get right. Would you please take a look and let me know if there is anything that you feel might cause offence, regarding the holocaust.

many thanks

Cyrus

G'day!

Congratulations!

I'm pleased to see you made to the number one spot.

Goodonyer, mate.

Regards,
KEN BLOWERS
(For those who don't know: I'm the old English gent living in Australia for nearly 50 years now.
I have written no novels, but I have put up six books of short stories and five books of plays.
Plus QUOTE ME : a book of 1,000 quotations.
Here's the link: http://www.authonomy.com/books/38541/quote-me/
And to see all the books at once: http://www.authonomy.com/managebookshelf.aspx

I like what you do, but I think you would benefit from breaking up your characters descriptions.

Backed and rated. All the best.

happily rebacking.... :-)

I have added your book to my watchlist and highly rated. Could you please check out Solian Chronicles: Pluto Genesis when you get a chance? It is a great book.

On my WL for reading later. JB. Woods author of 'George Barrington Hunter'

ATTENTION EVERYONE: (Note of response from the author)

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who has read / commented / critisized / supported ONE WRONG TURN!!!! From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

As a novice writer I am of the firm belief that the reader is the final judge of a book. That said, it appears that many will judge differently and for varying reasons. I have tried to evaluate all the critique I've received carefully with emphasis on certain author's opinions whom I respect greatly. While as of today (March 8) you see no adjustments to the manuscript. Soon I will be uploading the revised version of One Wrong Turn. (Hopefully as it is on the ED)

Thank you


UPDATE:

Thanks everyone for the support you've shown while I have been absent during the last month. Recently I have had to take a job that has put me back on the road away from home and family as well as left me almost no time for writing, editing ir Authonomy. I am struggling to get the updates completed for One Wrong Turn posted so all can see that I have taken the crit, worked with it and hopefully bettered what many say was a good product to start with.

Today I logged on for the first time in 20 days to see the book at the #1 spot which I appreciate very much. Iam humble I assure you. My present personal situation has been very restrictive (I'm driving a truck over the road) and I have a week off coming up in which I will get the edited version posted.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone for your support and to those who are clued in on my situation and have been the utmost support. Thank You. There really are no words I could say in this trying time for me.

I'm a bit late on the off here as you are already on the Ed's desk but One Wrong Turn has been on my watchlist for ages and wanted to see what I've been missing. A fabulous, pacy, tightly written thriller and well deserving of it's place at No. 5. Highly starred and on my bookshelf to make sure it stays there.

Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

This is a fantastic book. I am really enjoying the fast pace. I feel for the guy - he must be terrified at what's happening to him. The dialogue and the description of the jail is very stirring. I would like to say realistic, but I've no idea if it is - but it sounds authentic to me. I would love to read more but I am at chapter 13 and it seems to end there. Is this usual? Sorry I am a bit new to this site. Anyway, this is a terrific read.

Just read chapter one. What a start. I was almost shaking as you described the action so vividly. I will continue to read as I go along with what is going to be a exciting ride. Maybe you could look at my wife's book, Now to Him.

Good book. Gave you 5-stars. Hope to add it to bookshelf in the future.

Where's the rest? YOu can't stop at chapter 13........I need to read more!

Hi E.M,
Just read the first chapter of your book and really enjoyed it. Feel so sorry for poor Phil and will really read on to see the out come. Well done!!

Lainie :)

Hi E.M,
Just read the first chapter of your book and really enjoyed it. Feel so sorry for poor Phil and will really read on to see the out come. Well done!!

Lainie :)

An exciting read which I've only just come across. Well done and to be backed. Marj.

A book remarkably different from the author's previous Desk winner; one that deserves a good line edit and polish before the end of March.

Things like this have no place in a book which will shortly be professionally reviewed: "Heroine" (should be "heroin") in the LP; "it's influence" (should be "its") in line 1 of Ch.1; "he wished he'd of just plugged in the address" (Ch.1) and "if only he'd of had" (Ch.4) -- lose the "of" in both cases; "viles" (should be "vials"); "waste" (should be "waist") in Ch.3; "hurt a flee" (should be "flea") in Ch.5; and "he must have went to the door" (should be "gone") in Ch.5. All these pulled me out of the reading and disappointed me. Which is a shame, because the storyline is terrific and has the power to hold the reader's attention.

A criticism which I think may well be shared by whoever your Desk reviewer may be, is that the character of Phil is not very sympathetic, when the reader needs to be on his side for the book to work as well as it should. He is a fool to himself, and the fact that the police officers' treatment of him is clearly inhumane, and their behaviour unreasonable and unjust, does not detract from the equally clear fact that Phil could have avoided a great deal of the unpleasantness meted out to him had he simply cooperated fully from the off.

If it's not too late, I'd suggest a tad more honest bewilderment, and less lack of cooperation on Phil's part. Where you hit exactly the right note to gain our sympathy for Phil was in the frustrating and well-done "collect call" passage, where his predicament was worsened by circumstances outside his direct control.

I loathe injustice, and really want to be on Phil's side, rooting for him. At the moment, my reaction is: "Well, what did you expect, carrying on like that?" Although I've read only five chapters (I'll keep reading and may well comment further), I assume Phil's resentment and anger continues to grow throughout the judicial procedure, which leads me to suggest you really need a lighter touch in these opening chapters. That way, Phil has somewhere to go in the escalation of his response as the frustrations and injustices build up.

But well done, Emmett, on this second trip to the Desk. I'm sure One Wrong Turn will prove both profitable and popular should it be published.

A fantastic murder mystery wrapped in intrigue! It starts fast and never slows down, which is rare for a crime lit book. Highly starred and put on my W/L

Joe,
The Hooligans Of Kandahar

This is great! A high octane ride of a book. I love the way you write and I know my husband would love this too. It's pacey, non-stop action leaves the reader feeling breathless. As I'm writing this my heart is beating fast, too fast maybe! If the rest of the story continues along these lines it'll be one hell of a ride. The worst thing is the reader can imagine this happening to them. There is that awful moment when you realise what is about to happen and the panic sets in...
Congratulations.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

You’re doing what you’re supposed to with a thriller—great, grabbing opener and a continuation of fast paced and tension filled story. The voice’s there, and so is the balance between character description, narration, and dialogue.
I only read the first 3 chapters but I can say that you know your craft and you deliver a great spin. As a reader, I’m hooked—and that’s your mission—and you deliver.
Nacked.
Good luck.

This is fantastic!
I've read 4 chapters so far and it's non-stop action from the very start.
It makes me worry that this thing can happen so easily.
Your text flows effortlessly and holds your attention in a vice!
Top read deserving top stars.
Good luck with it!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

This is fantastic!
I've read 4 chapters so far and it's non-stop action from the very start.
It makes me worry that this thing can happen so easily.
Your text flows effortlessly and holds your attention in a vice!
Top read deserving top stars.
Good luck with it!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Whew, man, you've got the thriller thing down! This moves like a freight train from "Okay here we go"! Terrific pace and tension. It's hard to put it down. Great job!

Phillip Murphy is obviously having a bad day! What starts out as a road trip to visit a friend turns into an unimaginable nightmare.

This is a great idea, what better way to create empathy with a protagonist than a case of mistaken identity?

Phillip’s actions in the first chapter are totally natural and you only realise the mess he’s in when you see how other people react to the scene. Also understandable when you consider how it looked when they turned up.

So how’s he going to get out of this pickle? This is the hook that will ensure readers read on!

I would say I found this a little over-wordy at times; it could be trimmed down a little to make it a smoother read. Chapter one has the line, “Shaking, he lay still.” A bit pedantic I know, but you can’t shake and lie still at the same time! In chapter two, where the nurse comes in, you have the line “She must have been Hispanic, Phil thought.” Think this would be better as “She must be Hispanic, Phil thought.” The way you have it suggests she was Hispanic, but now she’s something else. Obviously this is just my opinion so feel free to ignore!

I like the attempted phone call in chapter four. You can really feel the desperation and frustration!

With everybody’s attitude in the prison I can’t see a quick resolution for Phillip, but would be intrigued to read on as there’s obviously more to the story than him being unfairly banged up. I don’t think things are going to get easier though!

Best of luck—highly starred.

One Wrong Turn - by EM Delaney
I had difficulty stopping the read. Maybe it was what seemed the injustice afforded Phil Murphy, maybe it was his own lack of good judgement. Although this is a gripping story I found that I had little sympathy for Phil Murphy, and that is what troubles me about him as a character. I kept waiting for him to realize the harm his actions were causing as the charges kept piling up. But I read more chapters than I normally do read, which says something about your ability to tell a good story.

P Alan Davis
The Red Poppy
Raindancer

Read the first chapter. Great writing! I felt like I was getting lost on 240 and no matter how many times I drive it, it's always confusing! High starring and good luck! ~Kady Colter, Shakespeare's Pink Cadillac

Great! I really likehow the action and suspense starts right away. I like a good crime mystery. Will def place it on my WL and maybe bookshelf. I am interested in writing similar plots--crime suspense.

I think the first chapter of my book my interest you as it throws you directly into the action like yours does. It is aliterary / historical fiction suspense piece with symbolism with southern flavor. Check it out.

Its called: THE BUTTERFLY AND THE BOLL WEEVIL.




All hell breaks loose in virtuous Jasameena's life--set off by the stray hand of a backsliding pastor and the hypocrisy of a southern church community.


Someone witnesses Jasameena bailing out of Pastor Brown's pickup truck raising hell and spreads the seeds of scandal all over the community about what must have transpired. By Sunday morning, the vines of the story have grown perversely twisted, naming Jasameena as the aggressor instead of the Pastor. On this day, she believes all of her efforts in self-denial are futile as she is falsely accused of being a whore. Pastor Brown does nothing to reestablish her repute. Not knowing how to clear her name, there is a tug of war between conflicting voices telling her to kill him or not. To loose her virginity for real or not. To tell Mrs. Brown, the entire congregation of the Smithville Methodist Episcopal Church, and every damn Tom, Dick, and Harry in South Carolina that Pastor had his hand up her skirt--or not. At any rate, funny how fate would have it that all hell inevitably breaks loose on this so-called religious community as taboos and family secrets (that everybody has) buried for years are systematically unearthed.

Thank you,
Alaric

Fast paced and gripping. Pulls you right in. Going on my bookself.

Fast pace, packed with action, easy read, easy to become engrossed in the mystery of the circumstances. I agree with the edits that J.T. Carroll offered. My one suggestion would be to develop Phil's character in chapter one so that a reader becomes emotionally attached to care about what happens to him. The plot develops well, the scenes move the action forward, and it is easy to follow. Best wishes, Emmett!
TDonna Robison
No Kiss Good-bye

A super pitch and chapter 1 follows suit. The story and writing skill sucked me in so much I was actually stressing out a bit for Phil. Then I knew that in One Wrong Turn I'd found a gem. I can sum this up easily-this is a great read-can't wait to read on. Has to be high stars!

Chapter 1 sets a great scene. It was interesting, quick-moving, and compelling--A great setup for a mystery. The following suggestions represent areas where I hit roadblocks that made me stop. Hopefully, you'll find some of them useful. Some are SPAG errors, others are suggestions to make a better flow.

1) First sentence, remove apostrophe from it's, which stands for it is, not possessive.
2) "Following "the" visit, instead of "a" visit?
3) What's he talking about (?), thought Phil. Later, you use italics to show Phil's thoughts.
4) It's not clear whether Phil is reading from a sheet of directions or remembering.
5) Slick had said "cross ... - This shouldn't be italicized.
6) he wished he'd of just (remove of) This also begs the question of why he didn't use a GPS if the car had one, it makes the reader wonder about the whole premise of the book. Why not have him drive an older model car that didn't have one? Or have it broken?
7) He wouldn't pull onto the side of the "road" - he's on a street. Just pulled over is sufficient or pulled to the curb.
8) It doesn't make sense that he would "hear the explosion of crashing glass" going off "inside his head" the explosion of crashing glass sounded loudly, as if it came from inside his head
9) "and held an arrogant tone" doesn't flow well. demanding, with an arrogant tone of confidence.
10) "his face was large and ovular" oval is better, don't think ovular is a word.
11)"made him think he would be spared or shot, one or the other" What other choices are there? Better to have Phil wonder whether he would be spared or shot.
12) "one quick scratch off sound" This is the point you want the reader to really understand what's going on. "Phil's car took off with a screech of tires" or something like that.
13) The paragraph that begins "The next thing Phil saw" needs more punch. Phil, in shock, had trouble processing what he was seeing. A body flew ....
14) the sentence about why the taillights came on is long and awkward.
15) "his adrenaline" "Phil's adrenaline" Don't make the reader guess who is being described.

I'll stop my comments here. If you appreciate them and would like more, contact me. I think that with a bit of polishing, you could move this book up in the ratings.

Chapter 1 sets a great scene. It was interesting, quick-moving, and compelling--A great setup for a mystery. The following suggestions represent areas where I hit roadblocks that made me stop. Hopefully, you'll find some of them useful. Some are SPAG errors, others are suggestions to make a better flow.

1) First sentence, remove apostrophe from it's, which stands for it is, not possessive.
2) "Following "the" visit, instead of "a" visit?
3) What's he talking about (?), thought Phil. Later, you use italics to show Phil's thoughts.
4) It's not clear whether Phil is reading from a sheet of directions or remembering.
5) Slick had said "cross ... - This shouldn't be italicized.
6) he wished he'd of just (remove of) This also begs the question of why he didn't use a GPS if the car had one, it makes the reader wonder about the whole premise of the book. Why not have him drive an older model car that didn't have one? Or have it broken?
7) He wouldn't pull onto the side of the "road" - he's on a street. Just pulled over is sufficient or pulled to the curb.
8) It doesn't make sense that he would "hear the explosion of crashing glass" going off "inside his head" the explosion of crashing glass sounded loudly, as if it came from inside his head
9) "and held an arrogant tone" doesn't flow well. demanding, with an arrogant tone of confidence.
10) "his face was large and ovular" oval is better, don't think ovular is a word.
11)"made him think he would be spared or shot, one or the other" What other choices are there? Better to have Phil wonder whether he would be spared or shot.
12) "one quick scratch off sound" This is the point you want the reader to really understand what's going on. "Phil's car took off with a screech of tires" or something like that.
13) The paragraph that begins "The next thing Phil saw" needs more punch. Phil, in shock, had trouble processing what he was seeing. A body flew ....
14) the sentence about why the taillights came on is long and awkward.
15) "his adrenaline" "Phil's adrenaline" Don't make the reader guess who is being described.

I'll stop my comments here. If you appreciate them and would like more, contact me. I think that with a bit of polishing, you could move this book up in the ratings.

E M Daleney
I read your book in one sitting and followed its fast paced action. I realized that rather than telling someone's true story, you were illustrating all the bad points of the justice system of the United States. I also thought that if something like that happened to me, I would find myself keeping my balance by a belief in God that He was still in charge of me and had purpose the what was occurring even if I had to wait to find out what the purpose was. God bless you as you continue to write about the character Phillip.
MaryBe

One Wrong Turn – E.M Delaney

E, as promised, here are my long overdue thoughts on OWT. In the almost unmitigated praise for this novel that you’ve had, my crit will probably stand out as the one that finds flaws. For this, I know you don’t want any apologies. But, if I may, I do want to offer a caveat: that in terms of both genre and perhaps even artistic ambition, I think you and I come from slightly different places. Your market is broad and popularist; mine is small and niche. You’ve read my novel and you know where I’m coming from. I can only offer criticism in terms of my own preferences and vision, and my own ability in the craft. Therefore, I want you to read these thoughts with this in mind. Take what chimes, and disregard the rest. It’s all subjective.

The premise of OWT is exceedingly good, and, for me, works on a number of levels. In and of itself, the idea of a man who, through an accident of fate, finds himself in a scenario of almost unimaginable proportions is a truly dramatic one that hooks the reader from its first moment. Yet this also works for me in terms of its deeper meaning; the universality of Phil’s dilemma as a pawn in a world which is sometimes overwhelming, frightening and inexplicable. There but for the grace of God go we all…

The playing out of Phil’s story remains taut and compelling throughout, and you show particular strength in your ear for dialogue and the nuances of speech. I see a love and knowledge of the convention of film and TV in your work that comes across in the skilful application of short chapters and effective cliff-hangers; as a reader, I want to turn the page.

Despite this, and my immense enjoyment of the “read”, I finished the chapters you uploaded with a sense of something amiss. For me, (and this is only my opinion), there is a depth of character that is missing here which would have encouraged me to fully engage with Phil and his plight. In places it IS hinted at, but becomes subjugated by the needs of the plot. Is depth necessary? Judging by the reader reaction, perhaps not, but I have a feeling that your vision for this novel is for it to be more than a pot-boiler.

Elsewhere, I felt that the structure of the novel perhaps needed some work; the backstory of Ophelia, and that between Phil and Slick are crucially important in lending the depth that I talked about, and yet are a long time coming in the narrative. I’ll talk about this more as I come to it.

The first chapter is fabulous, and the playing out of its drama minute by painful minute absolutely spot on in terms of milking it for its full effect. As a reader we feel in the moment with Phil; the disorientation of the attack, the visceral nature of the hit and run, and the way that this allows a build up of tension to the inexorable conclusion of Phil being held accountable.

What I also appreciated, and what you do elsewhere in the novel also, is to play skilfully with an audience’s expectations; that to-ing and fro-ing of hope that is later dashed. Here, it’s about the discovery of Phil’s phone in the car, which is cruelly snatched back the next instant. Good drama makes us feel uncomfortable; this does.

The subsequent playing out of Phil’s nightmare, his arrest and treatment at the police station, is also well done. The dialogue here is particularly strong, and the brutality of his treatment palpable. However, this goes on, in slightly different guises, for the next three chapters, and the tautology of this bothered me. After the power of the first two chapters I felt that you needed to offer us something different, a modulation of tone or intent, which would continue to highlight the former rather than dilute it. In short, we get the idea, now give us something else.

In some ways you are limited in this task by the fact that Phil must proceed with the way of the law and therefore be confined to the station. However, there were two possible solutions I thought of that might help. Firstly would be the option of bringing forward the chapter between Slick and Lori. As a reader, I wondered what had happened to them and why they hadn’t considered what had happened to Phil sooner. When he called them he was relatively close to their house, and I presume that some time has now elapsed between the call and the scenes in the station. There is a narrative logic to them wondering sooner where he might be.

Secondly, I thought that you could possibly use this time to give us a greater insight into Phil’s character. I understand that he is preoccupied with the circumstances he finds himself in, but this would not preclude (and could realistically motivate) thoughts about his family, etc. Is there, perhaps a sense within Phil that he is simply one of life’s “unlucky ones”, or being punished in some way for what happened to Ophelia? At some point he ruminates on wanting to call his mother (as he later does to great, dramatic effect), but I wanted to feel a sense of his vacillation in doing so. Do his parents blame him for the death of their grand-daughter? I can imagine that one of the questions that arises in anyone’s mind during an ordeal of this nature would be “who do I call?” It is, perhaps, one of the most urgent phone calls of Phil’s life to date, and to have a sense of his inner dialogue at this point would, I think, enable us to get a greater sense of him as a person, his vulnerability.

It’s interesting that Phil demonstrates such outbursts of rage again and again throughout his time in the station, especially as we are led to believe that he is (or was), a relatively mild-mannered, unassuming white collar worker. I think the obvious injustice and brutality of his treatment by the police is plenty motivation for the initial outburst, but I wondered why, when it so clearly led him deeper into trouble, that he continued to rail against the system. Is there a sense, I wondered, of Phil at some level feeling that he deserves this? An almost sub-conscious desire to self-castigate? If so, I think we need to see the playing out of this, or, if not, I think you need to give us some greater justification for it, lest it become a too-obvious narrative device to simply throw rocks at him.

I loved the fact that the young jailer started out being nice to Phil and then turned. It was another example of manipulating the reader’s expectations and hope, and I could have done with a lengthier playing out of this. Or perhaps I just wanted some variation of tone. I found the “whole rotton edifice” of blanket corruption and brutality somewhat bleak at times and longed for a small but significant offering of human kindness. Indeed, I think that if someone from the lower eschelons had shown this to Phil, it would have made the desperately underhand machinations of Jan, etc, much more potent. It would give us a sense of Phil’s existence within a food chain which means he is ultimately on a hiding to nothing.

I really liked the character of Ray Morton and felt he had the potential to be of some significance to the novel. He shows nuances of belief in Phil’s story, but the tension is created by his Faustian need for status and greatness which may ultimately be to the detriment of his integrity in dealing with the case.

Similarly, Tim Chevalier and his family are interesting; the rookie investigator who wants to do the right thing, but is conflicted by his desire not to be seen standing too heavily on the shoulders of his father. And the almost retired giant who can’t quite seem to hang up his gun. These are all familiar and important characters in a piece of this genre, and your job lies in making them fresh to the audience. I loved Dwayne’s intention to uncover his lawn tech’s scam to mow the lawn more often. It perfectly fitted in with him as a character but also offered a rare moment of levity to the narrative. This level of character detail is fantastic, and is something you should be striving for elsewhere in the novel. Even if it is not your intention to write a character study type of work, these small insights that make an individual are what will make your novel stand out from the cookie-cutter thriller template.

A couple of small style nitpicks that I wanted to raise: firstly, in the opening description of Dwayne, I don’t think you need to labour the point about his greatness or his status. It is clear that he is of some importance, and is revered by those around him. One mention about his position is plenty. Second is Tim’s dialogue. There was a strange formality about it which, amongst the authenticity of your other speech, was a little jarring to my ear. Personally, someone of his (presumed) age, would, I think, use more contractions in his speech, even if he is middle-class. It just sounds more natural.

The scene between Slick and Phil was, for me, a little bit of a wasted opportunity. It seemed to cover the same ground – Phil being in a whole heap of trouble – again, when it could have been used to give us something tangible and personal about their relationship, their past, etc. I’m not talking about an info dump; I mean something nuanced and perhaps planted for later on that would give us a sense of their bond, despite the intervening years of no contact. We learn that Kathy was once Slick’s girlfriend, and I presume that this is significant to the ties that later bind them? Don’t get me wrong, I think that there is some detail here, but I wanted more of it, and less of the re-covering of old ground.

I also wondered if it might be an idea to experiment with expressing Phil’s emotions in a more physical way than you currently do. For example, instead of saying he was “really afraid”, think about ways in which this can be shown visually. Smells, tastes, sounds, touch; all of these can be used to great effect to conjure a mood.

I love Phil’s gradual adaptation to life in prison, and think realistically this is spot on. Similarly, his understanding of the food chain that exists between prisoners is wonderful, exploding dramatically in the fight between him and Willie Felton. This is another reason why I wanted Phil’s earlier outbursts in the station to be muted; it would make this later scene so much more powerful, demonstrating Phil’s survival instinct and his (perhaps) disturbing decline into brutality. This, in itself, makes a potent statement about the prison system, and its relative merits as a deterrent to violence. It also gives me an indication that Phil, whatever his losses have been before now, has an instinct to survive and endure. Again, if you were to more clearly delineate at the start the idea of Phil struggling with a sense of his own worthiness, his adaptation into a man who refused to go down without defending his innocence would be a powerful character arc.

I am reminded in reading OWT of “Tony and Susan”, by Austin Wright; one of the best thriller/literary novels I’ve ever read, and one of my all time favourite books. Parts won’t be relevant to you, here, but PLEASE read it for the “Nocturnal Animals” novel within a novel. It is truly skilful.

Doris Murphy’s suicide in the cemetery seriously made me gasp. It’s an incredible moment in the novel, and completely unexpected. You show great skill, Emmet, in deploying these little mines at salient moments, (the carjacker appearing in the cell opposite is another one); just ensure that it’s a device that’s not overused, to ensure that they maintain maximum potency.

There are some spelling mistakes (“waste” for “waist”), some missing words here and there, etc, but I am sure that these will be attended to in a more thorough line edit.

In short, I want to read on, and will certainly buy this when it comes out in e-book format. I hope the forgoing is of some use to you; as I said, my thoughts come from a place that may not be where you’re going, but I genuinely think that there is room in your novel for a depth that can only make it stronger. And something makes me think that this is what you want, too.

My very best wishes to you for its continued success.

Wiz

A Small Death

http://www.authonomy.com/books/38849/a-small-death/