The Flapper

Hi Catherine,
I can see this doing very well indeed. It has a lovely blend of glamour, history and romance which I'm sure will make a bestseller in time.
You have a lovely writing style, emotive and sensitive, sentences like "Beth did not want to live in the dark world her sister conjured." (Chp 2) are beautiful and moving. The two sisters are drawn with detail and care.
The story (as laid out in the pitch) has much promise - the 20s, flappergirls, Hollywood and Manhatten have a very special allure and all seen from the POV of an outsider. Brilliant.
All in all a very enjoyable read. Highly starred by me.
Sharda.
P.S. We were doing a reading swap. So please take a look at mine when you get some time.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Thank you so much for your support and constructive comments, I am editing the story in order to cut down on the narrative.

great title, premise, cover. it works for me. you have an unnecessary coma in your first sentence. i love the time period of this piece. i agree that you dont need so much back story, it is written too factual.
j
what every woman should know

THE FLAPPER
This is a story with interesting characters. I liked Annie from the start because she’s a bit of a dreamer. Isabella seemed like someone who would be interesting to follow to New York. If I had a suggestion it would be to not include quite so much back story in the beginning; save some of that to allow the story to get moving faster. Either way, this is a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I think this starts really well, although I do agree you need to cut down on some of the opening content. I am looking forward to reading more as this is an area which is of great interest to me and the story looks set to unfold nicely. You certainly have my backing. Good luck., Lynne, B.B.

thank you, I really appreciate your time, comments, suggestions and support. I will def try to edit down the narrative in my rewrite. Thanks for catching the american term (trash), that is something I would not have thought about. I'll def revise that. Again thank you so much.

Hi Catherine,
Your prose is wonderful and suggests literary fiction from the first word. I felt myself endeared to Annie and I thought Beth was well-drawn - she seems to be me to be rather rebellious and cheeky. The dialogue is realistic I felt. Like someone else said, i felt it was a little wordy and could do with condensing down a tad. I also found a bit too much background info put in the first few paragraphs. I felt it would be better to start with the letter and then feed in the background info later on. I thought the way you recollected Aunty Kay's letter about the end of the war a brilliant way of feeding in that background info. There was a point when you said about throwing it in the "trash." Is this an American term but do the Irish use it too? We in Britain say "rubbish." All-in-all I enjoyed it and carried on reading, which is good for me because I sometimes lose interest. I would read on. Well done, starred high. The writing is above-par.

Hi Catherine,
Your prose is wonderful and suggests literary fiction from the first word. I felt myself endeared to Annie and I thought Beth was well-drawn - she seems to be me to be rather rebellious and cheeky. The dialogue is realistic I felt. Like someone else said, i felt it was a little wordy and could do with condensing down a tad. I also found a bit too much background info put in the first few paragraphs. I felt it would be better to start with the letter and then feed in the background info later on. I thought the way you recollected Aunty Kay's letter about the end of the war a brilliant way of feeding in that background info. There was a point when you said about throwing it in the "trash." Is this an American term but do the Irish use it too? We in Britain say "rubbish." All-in-all I enjoyed it and carried on reading, which is good for me because I sometimes lose interest. I would read on. Well done, starred high. The writing is above-par.

Thank you for taking the time to read and critique, I will take your recommendations and apply it to the edits, best of luck!

Catherine,
I was more than happy to back this book becuase I think it has huge potential. It's a great idea with good characters and 'The Flapper' brings too life an exicting period in America's history. (If you get this right it will be a winner.)
I agree with some earlier comments that you could pare back some of the opening paragraphs. Given that the first page is the thing agents look closely at it might be worth concentrating on a tight, attention grabbing start to the novel.
My other observation has to do with speech which is good enough to stand without the qualifications you choose to attach on almost every occasion. There's no need to use 'quipped', 'demanded', 'teased', sarcastically', etc - the information is there in the dialogue.
Best of luck with the project. I shall come back and check this out and see how the rewrites go and look forward to backing the next version.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

Catherine,
I was more than happy to back this book becuase I think it has huge potential. It's a great idea with good characters and 'The Flapper' brings too life an exicting period in America's history. (If you get this right it will be a winner.)
I agree with some earlier comments that you could pare back some of the opening paragraphs. Given that the first page is the thing agents look closely at it might be worth concentrating on a tight, attention grabbing start to the novel.
My other observation has to do with speech which is good enough to stand without the qualifications you choose to attach on almost every occasion. There's no need to use 'quipped', 'demanded', 'teased', sarcastically', etc - the information is there in the dialogue.
Best of luck with the project. I shall come back and check this out and see how the rewrites go and look forward to backing the next version.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

youve got a pretty good balance between description and dialogue. when they speak, sounds pretty realistic to me- although, i never lived during this time so im no expert. i think in the beginning though there is a lot you could take out- some of the larger paragraphs could be shortened or cut down or taken out completely. i see a lot of potential in this and your book would benefit hugely if you could hook the reader in a more exciting way right in the beginning. we get to know your main character very well by telling but maybe you could do more showing.
hoping to hear your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Hi, I have just backed your book. You have recreated that period wonderfully.
Perhaps you could return the favour and back mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith. If you do, many thanks. Best wishes, John.

Thank you so much for all your encouraging comments Missy, I really appreciate it and yes you are absolutely right, I have to still do more trimming, it is a work in progress but your comments are very helpful :)

Catherine

I've read a couple books recently about this era and I absolutely love it. I wish I could have lived then! Anyway, your book is really good, it brings the fun attitude to life. The characters are endearing already and I'm wishing I had more of this! I think you can thin it out some here and there but that doesn't really take from the story. You do a good job of transporting me to those times and that's what I was hoping for!

Stars now and a shelving to come!
Missy

Thank you that is so sweet of you to say, yes I agree about the 1920s, if I could go back in time I would head straight for the roaring twenties myself, it was a magical era, there was great optimism in the air, anything felt possible until of course the great depression....hope you enjoy the rest, I will be posting more chapters shortly

The 20s was such an enchanting and fabulous time. Annie is a great character and I can see her growing. Ireland is a magical place to set this. Looking forward to reading more.

The 20s was such an enchanting and fabulous time. Annie is a great character and I can see her growing. Ireland is a magical place to set this. Looking forward to reading more.

Thank you, I have Seasons on my watchlist and am very much looking forward to reading it. :)

your writing is engaging and descriptive, skillful and easy to follow...
this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

your writing is engaging and descriptive, skillful and easy to follow...
this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I only read the first few paragraphs, but I was just overwhelmed with all the content you packed into them. The story wasn't given the opportunity to just develop naturally with her emotions spilling out; they were thrown at me and I felt an incredible need to dodge them. It felt very forced.

The Flapper

In Ch 1 there is a lot of information provided about how Annie feels about Ireland and her need to escape. It is very heavy on narrative, which somewhat feels like it is telling the reader about Annie, rather than allowing you to get to know her and discover for yourself what motivates her. It also gives the beginning of the story a slower pace. Farm life in Ireland was hard work in the 20's, the country had been through years of turmoil and the political unrest didn't settle in 1922. Times were hard for rural families. I would like to have seen some of that, a description of the farm, watching her undertake some of her daily activities and then grow to understand that it's ritualised, difficult work that she feels frustrated by.

I liked the scene where she starts to read the letter from her aunt in New York, for me, that scene and the interaction between the sisters is where the first chapter really came alive.

I was left wondering why Annie's father had thrown Kay's letter in the bin and why was Isabelle allowed to communicate with the girls if Kay wasn't?

I also really enjoyed the scene in Chapter Two where the sisters teased each other about playing and Beth swings Kayla around, tickling her. This gave a real sense of the bond and love between them.

Isabelle sounds like she will be a lively character, liable to create all sorts of fun and trouble.

Hello, thank you for your kind comments. I just finished your first chapter and loved it, (i watchlisted and starred). I do plan to read the rest of the chapters since I was so drawn in by the first. I like your writing style, I feel that you instantly transport the reader to the very time and place which your novel is set. I also like how you described the main character's many flaws instead of presenting an idealistic version. I very much look forward to reading more....best of luck.

Hello , really sparkling and interesting dialogue and a very clear-cut situation which everyone can sympathise with and understand. I think you have created a completely convincing milieu , filled with real people who talk in a way that is believable - if you can't create convincing dialogue you're finished , but that's not your problem.I wonder if its at all possible that you might have the time to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' which is an historical , adventure romance set in the 17th century , it features lost love the Great Plague of London , Sir Henry Morgan , beautiful Spanish ladies and much more . Watchlisted and starred . with best wishes from Strachan Gordon