Gnosis 5

I have read four chapters so far and the story is fascinating. It pulls the reader in, capturing their attention from the start and making them want to turn the page to learn more about how this will all pan out. What makes it scary is that it is a plausible theory. Nicely written, strong characters and good chapter hooks.

Seth - a great opening chapter, and a brilliant hook. Harry's pleasantly understated and ironic take on life is nicely balanced by the po-faced mad villain. I read on happily until chapter 17, when I realised I had lost the threads of the plots and got bogged down in a welter of scientific and historical detail. I lost Harry and Abraham who I really enjoyed. The vastness of your canvas defeated me. This may be because I don't read a lot of sci-fi, or it may be that I prefer stories to thinking about technical ways of doing things. I love the idea of a drug that has the effects you describe, but I need to know more about its effects on that small group of people - and the child - without the technology. I think you need to look at shaping your material to serve your stories, and let the science in as we need it. Hope this is helpful - Frances.

{Gnosis 5} – Seth Jacob
Chapter 1:
The premise is great and I love how in chapter 1, the reader is plunged straight into the action. The structuring of this chapter is also excellent, in terms of the rise and fall in tension – we begin, Harry walking briskly, the tension building as we wonder what is going to happen… then the scene calms somewhat… before that final bang in the end. Great use of pacing, and the dialogue moves along fluidly and naturally. Definitely maintains interest and hooks the reader into the next chapter!

I made a few detailed editorial notes as I went, I hope you will find these useful :)
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction
------
1) suggested reword of first sentence; ‘Harry walked towards what he thought was going to be a simple drug deal. Every step brought him closer to the pivotal moment in history of mankind, and all was going according to plan.’ Then new para ‘All was going according to Harry’s plan…’ → creates more emphasis for the first part, and then visually reinforces the intentional repetition of ‘going according to plan’
2) I’d say ‘Harry walked briskly, nervous to be carrying such a significant amount of money on him.’ → merging sentences to create more flow, and also attributing the action (walking/having money on him) to feeling, in order to build more connection between reader and character
3) I’d put new para ‘Before he could knock’ → because the subject/action of the para shifts at this point. I’d also be inclined to say ‘But before he could knock’
4) New para ‘Harry looked around the room’ and I’d merge sentences; ‘Harry looked around the room, noting the cellar door on the floor, and a closet at the back.’ → smoother?
5) I’d merge sentences; ‘He lumbered towards the closet door, the gold chains on his neck and wrist dangling obscenely with the movement.’ → smoother, and creates more connection between actions?
6) ‘amazed Harry’ → I’d describe the emotions a little more, to build up that connection between reader
7) I’d say ‘There was some sort of red, elegant carpet. But Harry, being a simple dope fiend, could not identify it’s Persian origin.’ → less wordy?
8) I’d say ‘He opened it and entered a very long hallway, many doors branching off the sides. They walked along it, and through one such door labeled ‘5’. Inside was a chemistry lab of some sort, with three men in lab coats huddling at a bench.’
9) I’d say ‘Harry fell to the floor, covering his head and ears as the sound of noisy shots assaulted his ears.’ → more active?

I love the randomness of it all, this is a book where anything can happen and I love being on the edge of my seat just wondering what could possibly happen next. Things occur without warning all the time and it's great.
And the humour!!! Subtle and funny is a rare quality in writing and this definately sets Seth Jacob apart from other authours on Authonomy.
Great job, maxed out the stars.

GNOSIS
This is an intriguing story. The first chapter begins so simply with a run of the mill drug sale. Then suddenly blossoms into a mad man giving the main character the job of a lifetime – if he doesn’t get shot first, that is. I couldn’t help but like Harry, especially the way he thought it was important to be on time for a drug deal appointment; gives him a great personality quirk. Maxwell is just crazy enough to make him a challenging villain. Another strong point of this is the whole idea: imagine what people would do to try a drug that could make them a genius (even tho they’ve spent time putting down nerds all their life?). Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi Seth,
I'm finally up to chapter 6, sorry it's taking me so long to get through! I wish I had some 'constructive criticism,' but I don't. I love this book. You wrote from the point of view of a monkey! The narrative is unique and bold. I would say that the dialogue is your strongest asset- it's dry, often hilarious, and realistic.
I'll find some shelf space soon.
E

Hi Seth,
Gnosis has been on my watchlist for awhile, and I'm so impressed by what I've read thus far. Great narrative voice - conversational, intelligence, and cutting. The premise is fascinating! I'm on chapter 4 now and anxious to return.
Lizzi

Hello Seth,
There is so much about this I like. My background is medicine and pharmacology/toxicology and you clearly know your stuff. Harry is a ballsy name, perfect for this less than perfect MC. The exposition is well-veiled behind a taut narrative that clips along at a fair old rate. The buzz from the ride 'so far' keeps the reader hanging on for alittle more-entertaining writing in a nutshell.
Within a few paragrapghs you place your trust in the writer-the omnipotent narrator- and want to spend as much time as you can there.
No negatives from my side. Thank you for an excellent read.
6 stars, on WL with view to backing at end of the month.
All the Best!
John
Dropping Babies

Hi Seth,
just return reading, after your backing of Mr Unusually's Circus of Dreams (thanks again).
I love this. I like the omnipotent narrator and the playful nature of the relationship between the reader, the narrator and Harry (all the "Harry doesn't want you to know this", "Harry wouldn't say that" stuff you do so well).
I like the characterisation "articulate goon" etc. Great detail and descriptions, I really feel I am walking through a real place.
The writing flows smoothly and easily. It has style and humour. Overall I like it!! Can't see any immediate problems. The pitch reminds me of the film 'Limitless' (adapted from a short story I think). I loved the film, if you haven't seen it yet, do. I'm sure it doesn't end up being the same, but maybe you want to differentiate it a bit more? All the best, will highly star and try to back when I have a space.
Sharda.

The book is on my WL and will leave comments after finishing the read.

Good premise to your story, and some good material.

I'd like to offer some criticism, which you hope you find constructive.
Your story could do with some editing when it comes to grammar, structure and vocabulary. I'll point out a few examples from your first paragraph:


It is best practice not to use brackets to add mid-sentence clauses. I therefore feel that ‘he prided himself on being a punctual dope fiend’ would be better placed at the end of the sentence after a semi-colon.

I feel that this sentence would also benefit from a rewording of your description of the shack. Firstly, each adjective should be separated by a comma, i.e. ‘unassuming, random’. Also, I’m not sure these are the right adjectives to describe a shack. ‘Unassuming’ usually only works when describing a person or being, as mindless objects cannot assume anything by nature. Presumably, the shack is not random, as your character has chosen that shack in particular to arrive at, rather than some other shack. I would suggest that you describe the shack simply as modest or ramshackle.

‘Also, all was going according to plan in the larger sense of the word’.
'According to plan’ is a phrase or term, not a word. What is the larger sense of the term in this instance?
You should split this sentence with a comma, i.e. ‘Everything was going according to plan, in the larger sense of the term’. You go on to say ‘all was not going to plan, in every sense of the phrase’. This contradicts the statement that everything was going to plan in the larger sense.

I hope you find this feedback helpful, as I intend it to be, rather than condescending.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

Good premise to your story, and some good material.

I'd like to offer some criticism, which you hope you find constructive.
Your story could do with some editing when it comes to grammar, structure and vocabulary. I'll point out a few examples from your first paragraph:


It is best practice not to use brackets to add mid-sentence clauses. I therefore feel that ‘he prided himself on being a punctual dope fiend’ would be better placed at the end of the sentence after a semi-colon.

I feel that this sentence would also benefit from a rewording of your description of the shack. Firstly, each adjective should be separated by a comma, i.e. ‘unassuming, random’. Also, I’m not sure these are the right adjectives to describe a shack. ‘Unassuming’ usually only works when describing a person or being, as mindless objects cannot assume anything by nature. Presumably, the shack is not random, as your character has chosen that shack in particular to arrive at, rather than some other shack. I would suggest that you describe the shack simply as modest or ramshackle.

‘Also, all was going according to plan in the larger sense of the word’.
'According to plan’ is a phrase or term, not a word. What is the larger sense of the term in this instance?
You should split this sentence with a comma, i.e. ‘Everything was going according to plan, in the larger sense of the term’. You go on to say ‘all was not going to plan, in every sense of the phrase’. This contradicts the statement that everything was going to plan in the larger sense.

I hope you find this feedback helpful, as I intend it to be, rather than condescending.

David Southam
Author of The Keeper of the Sightless Eye

SF42 – Gnosis 5

Hey Seth,

I read through chapter thirteen. It held a nice pace for me, and kept me turning the page to see what would happen next (I hadn’t planned on reading through CH13), so the storyline and writing works well. A very enjoyable read with some strong messages, reference points to ‘us’ currently, and good thought provoking questions. I like where it’s going, and plan to come back and read more when I have some time. I can’t provide anymore than my thoughts during the read and a few suggested points for consideration (all purely my personal opinion). I have found the best comments I’ve received have offered food-for-thought on MS progression; so hopefully the following helps in some small way:

CH1

‘...mythical holy score, and all was not going according to plan...’ something felt wrong with the ‘and’ in this sentence, I had to re-read to get the context. Maybe it would be more user friendly as ‘...Mythical holy score, so all was not going according to plan...’

The ‘second person’ in the second paragraph jumps out at me, not unpleasantly, it just wasn’t expected.

Slight repetition of ‘room’. It may be worth using other words like ‘space’, ‘interior’ or ‘area’ in some places.

‘His name’s not even Bob’ fantastic. LOL fantastic :)

CH2

Lots of ‘Harry’ so far. Could some of these be exchanged for ‘he’, and ‘his’?

Harry and the TV, Harry and the channel hopping - strange but I like it, I think, throws in his impatience.

‘...suddenly now a clarity and calmness permeating Harry’s mind...’ something strange here and I had to re-read to work it out. Maybe better as ‘...suddenly a clarity and calmness permeated Harry’s (or his?) mind...’

‘...front of that slice of a tree and...’ maybe ‘...front of that slice of tree...’ or ‘...front of the slice of tree...’

Really like the thoughts in the last paragraph, poses some great questions...

CH3

‘...herds of ancient idiots...’ love this; imagined tides of dumb-Donna’s stampeding through towns and landscapes, falling down holes and getting stuck in stuff and bleating inanely.

‘...unconsciously stiffened like dogs when they perk up at the sound...’ not sure? Stiffened and perked-up seem to say the same thing to me.

‘Harry felt uneasy. Walking home was lonely for him. Harry left the house...’ this felt like it was in the wrong order, or didn’t explain its context fully.

CH4

Maybe a separator mark of sorts could be useful between the Harry / Maxwell scene and the Captain Fitzpatrick scene?

CH5

‘...except for five that (had) drowned because...’ I think this would read better.

CH7

Really liked this one. Was a bit confused about the mention of a different timescale, five to ten years later? But presume this is explained later in the story.

CH8

Bit of repetition with the word sales ‘...Harry made his usual sales to the group, making nearly 300 dollars, all in marijuana sales...’ the last ‘sales’ probably isn’t needed, the reader has already been told it’s ‘sales’.

‘...one of the most burn out people Harry had...’ intentional or should this be ‘burnt out’?

CH9

In CH6 I got the impression that the FBI agent had found Maxwell’s base (given the security camera image), but Harry’s back in the office again. Thinking about it, this probably because they never found the stairway to the silo, but it might be worth clearing this up in the readers mind somehow – thinking about it again, wouldn’t the FBI know about the government base and the nuke?

And here are the aliens. I like aliens. Especially ones that ‘click’ :)

CH11

‘... Bruno showed them they could be eaten...’ doesn’t feel right, and made me read back to make sure I had the context. Maybe worth considering ‘... Bruno showed them it could be eaten...’ or that the plants could be eaten.

Bruno and the Big Water sentence. He explained through hitting any one (anyone) that it was bad. And then went on to communicate that is was bad. Aren’t both these lines saying the same thing?

CH12

‘...that the Dogon learned of from “The Nommo”...’ this made me read back over to make sure I understood. Maybe ‘...learnt of through “The Nommo”...’

Overall a very exciting and enjoyable piece of writing, will be back for more later. I have WL’d and rated high!

Best wishes for the ED,
J.

Gripping first chapter with a great end that propels you in to the next. MS has obviously had a lot of work done on it and has a pleasing blend of dialogue and narrative. Can’t find fault there really. The first chapter, read in light of the pitch for the book, really seals the deal to get one hooked.
I will concentrate on my impressions as I read rather than looking for grammar faults, which I am not strong on anyway :-)

Chap 2
Harry doesn’t seem to wrestle enough before downing a drink that could drive him mad or kill him. Could you have him watched or feel he is watched so that if he doesn’t comply he would be killed- or something like that?
I was carried on quite smoothly to Chap 9 but from there it started to lose its speed through Chap 11 .
The introduction of the animals was interesting but added to the” loose ends” feel a bit. The pace picked up again in Chap 12 and from then it was fine until Chap 15.
Felt Chap 15 & 16 slowed things a bit particularly going straight from there into the more important Chap17, which is description heavy but necessary to the plot.
Anyway, will leave it there for the moment.
Very enjoyable so far and has the right mix for success.

Andrew

SF42

Hi Seth

I've read the first 2 chapters. I like the premise, and for the most part the writing is good. My notes:

'random shack'? He's doing a deal in a random shack? In that case, how does he expect to get paid? His 'clients' would surely have to randomly choose the same shack. Or was it random at the time of his choosing it, in which case it's no longer random. Or are you using it in the sense it's not actually meant for, like so many?

A bad neighbourhood in Kansas? Surely not! I have been misled by Superman stories :(

You can afford to lose some words, and contract others to make it read a little smoother. For example, there are several 'that's which could be removed - '...Harry's understanding thought all their pieces were moving [...] but what they hadn't predicted...'

There are also sentences such as 'He was carrying a significant amount of money on him'. This is probably what I'd write, but I believe that's what's known as passive, which is frowned upon from some perspectives. While there's nothing wrong with it, really, it could be written as, 'He carried on him a significant amount of money'. I don't know why I felt the need to rearrange the order, but the point is exchanging 'was carrying' for 'carried'. There's no hugely discernible difference, I know, but it's meant to put the reader more into the 'action'. I suppose it's more present than past, happening rather than happened.

The narrator now has a personality and refers to him/her/itself as 'me' and 'I'. This is ok, so long as you can keep up the sense of personality. If it's like any other narration for the most part, and then just occasionally you throw in a first person reference, it won't work (obviously, I haven't read more than 2 paragraphs, so I don't know how you do it).

Is there a reason 'shack' is capitalised here?

Five minutes to go down the stairs? That's extremely deep.

'articulate goon' - you called him 'Nice Goon'. It would be best to stick to this name, rather than switch between nicknames for him. Plus, even if you did, it should be capitalised.

You've twice stated how large the room is; it's unncecessary to then state it's 100 yards.

'(It) looks a little less magical'

'Having mastered that...' I don't know why this bit is on 3 paragraphs; it shouldn't be.

Isn't it just 'lounge chair'? Or even 'recliner'? Perhaps that's just an American thing.

I don't know if the whole 'crazy' thing works here. He's saying he's crazy for killing a load of people, not for his ambitions and whatnot, isn't he? So that response doesn't make sense.

Didn't you say all was NOT going to plan? Now it suddenly is?

Is there a reason for the repetition of 'Harry' with the TV?

'and the Harry'?

I hope there's a reason for the contant repetition of his name throughout the chapter, because it's actually getting really annoying now.

It's an interesting premise, and I'm most interested about the span of it (ie, the UFO cockpit). I'm not sure about the 'hero' being a drug dealer/addict. Could make him a tad hard to relate to, and certainly if there's any point at which we're meant to feel sorry for him or anything, I know I wouldn't. For the most part, it's well written; though it could do with some contractions and removal of some redundant words to help it flow a little smoother. Good luck with it :)

Seth, firstly hello... I have read a few chapters, your writing is superb! I'm shoving you up on my shelf, ahead of some promises made, but your book greatly deserves a boost! Looking forward to reading more.... JF Stead (Upside Down)

The parallels between my book 'Scarlet Beonias' and 'Gnosis 5' is interesting (accelerated evolution elixir, black holes).

Can you send me a couple chapters of your book (.doc version) to steph@scifisteph.com so I can check it out?

I'd like to see a little more punch in your pitch - figure out a way to make somebody need to pursue it. Add some questions - What will happen when Harry reaches the farthest reaches of the universe? How'd he get there in the first place? What kind of journey takes you from a clandestine government agency to the cockpit of a UFO?

Thanks for backing mine - any comments you could offer about my pitch or a random chapter would be appreciated.

-Stephanie (Scarlet Begonias)

i read four chapters as is my usual, i like it, will rate it high, the story seems a somewhat wry platform for the author's speculations, about the nature of things and how we humans kind of fit in, when i found "articualte goon" followed by a verb i figured the author wants me to remember this is a story, but the story is interesting, and harry and his friends are too, what would it be like if the everyday was transformed, a different consciousness ruled, it makes for a kind of a clever double world here, one fictional and one that comments on the story, (you see that thing done in movies and books from time to time), not having read it all (and by the way thanking the author for not making impossibly long chapters) I am not sure where this goes, but i think it will be fun and illuminating in ways, at least make you think

I just read to chapter 5 and I thought it was a great concept. It kind of makes me think of "Flowers for Algernon". I liked that you made the chapters relatively short and get to the action and the main story right away without meandering about. A couple of things I noticed

* When you talk about how much money Harry Phelt had you address the reader and tell the reader that you aren't going to tell them how much how much money he had. I have been told that you don't use second person i.e. address the reader unless they are a part of the story. From reading the 5 chapters I could tell where you build in the reader in the story. I think you should just rephrase it and it will flow better.

* When you refer to the goons by "name" if you are going to give them a name even a fake one you should capatalize it every time.

I am keeping this on my WL and I am starring.

I read the first few chapters of this and liked it enough to go ahead and buy it on Kindle. I look forward to reading the rest. I'll find some room on my shelf for it in January. Nice work.

Seth,

I just realized that I've owed you a return read for a while. I read the first 3 chapters of Gnosis 5, then skipped ahead to the last chapter just for fun. Great concept -- what if everybody could be a genius just by taking a drug? You take the reality of regular people trying to improve performance through chemical means to a comical, disturbing extreme. I was taken with Harry Phelt's dilemma: he knows the drug is working; he feels smarter and more attentive, but he does not yet have the knowledge and wisdom to understand what's happening. If you suddenly give stupid people intelligence, will they know what to do with it?

I'm not usually a big fan of the omniscient narrator, but you use the device to good effect, giving the reader information through funny asides that the characters lack. It's particularly good in that last chapter, where so many odd things are happening at once.

You've done a good job editing, too -- I think I noted 2 corrections:

Ch 1
articulate goon The first couple of times you use this, it's capitalized, as if it were his name. Do this every time you use it; it's consistent and much funnier that way.

guiding smoothly along lubricated metal rails I think you meant "gliding"

(For another weird take on the superhero story, check out The Naked Professor).

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

Gnosis 5 is a 6 star book! I found the story line interesting and exciting to follow. The moments of humor
lightened the tension, at times. I loved the characters and strangely found myself relating to several of them. I kept wishing for that magic drug to increase my level of awareness. I thoroughly enjoyed Gnosis 5 from beginning to end.

Very interesting story. Like the whole secret underground drug facility and mysterious job offer. You have a catchy way of writing that makes me want to turn the page. Only criticism is in the very beginning when you write, "Harry doesn't like to tell you how much he has but I won't." Who is "I"? Is the narrator a character in the book or is this 3rd person perspective? Not a big deal, but wanted to point it out. Great story. Has a tongue and cheek feel to a conspiracy tale. Well done.
Dina

Seth
I've just read the first four chapters of 'Gnosis 5' and am really enjoying it. You have a great talent for writing which obviously makes it easy to read. A bit more detail about Harry's and Maxwell's appearance (height, build etc) would be great so that I can imagine them in my mind. I've got a picture of what the underground bunker looks like as you've described it well, but not so with the characters.
You're on my watchlist and I've star rated. Will come back and read more shortly. I'll also recommend your book to my brother as well.
Jane (Jedye)

Gnosis 5

Title: Love it, and it’s clever

Short pitch: I’d just tighten a fraction, viz: cut ‘who’s’ and re-jig to say perhaps ‘to sell Gnosis 5, the drug….’

Long pitch: tense change right up front, 'was' followed by 'he’s'. You are forbidden by the anti-cliché police to use the phrase: 'Little does he know' unless it’s a comedy. Oh, it is.

C1: I liked the joke about ‘Bob’. I felt there was just a bit too much going on in this chapter- I don’t mean the main action, that’s OK and very Hollywood, rather I mean there were too many extra details; for example, the bit with Harry and the bouncer using their mobile phones as a source of light. These bits slowed it down for me.

C2: There’s an awful lot of ‘Harry this,’ and ‘Harry that’ which doesn’t work as a joke. By the end of this chapter you’ve set up the interesting questions that make the reader want to know.

C3: I did expect a little more from C3 – I thought maybe some action would start but I see the attempt here to take the reader on Harry’s journey a bit.

Well this is based on a well-established SF trope that can be used to raise interesting questions. You take the reader on a fun adventure and what I read so far works well enough to take the reader onwards.

I like your book. I like the "ideas" behind it. I wish there were pictures with it. :)
Because I can't really "see" Maxwell or Harry. I mean I can't get too good of a feel for the characters. I can't ell who they are and what they come from by their dialogue or mannerisms. I DO see the storyline working GREAT in one of my brothers comic book books! :) Not the kiddie ones. You know the ones. :) It works in that world. BUT I will be back every so often. If you do any editing or such I want to read it again, si? :) I see good things about this one. :) You have talent and are a good writer! :) I like your reviews on your web links also. My brother is wired now and wants to push me off the computer so he can click your links. :)
Anai

You're obviously a talented writer. I am struck by the number of chapters, initially.

CH. 1
Question: why wouldn't Harry be armed? I found it silly that Harry would worry about getting mugged on his way to a deal-- that's kinda like getting a parking ticket while you were somewhere committing murder. Perhaps you did that purposefully?

In general, I don't espouse books containing drug references/use, especially those books that seem to encourage it. But your writing style is well-defined, and characters strong.

Best of luck!

COVER:

This is probably just my weird, twisted mind, but the cover reminds me of V8 juice.

Arresting title. Clever pitch. Repetition often works but 'it was/was not going according to plan ' doesn't. I've read the first chapter and this is is one of the best recent uploads on the site, but if you read that first paragraph out loud to yourself I think you may want to change it. Anyway lots of stars from me and best of luck.

"Don't do what you hate."
It is really that simple, and i love the way you share the story leading to this point. I love the fluid sense of kindness and simplicity that moves me through the text ( no, I didn't read it all - just sampled the sense of it) - and I trust the voice that writes this, and that it has nothing to prove and preach - but it surely has a love for writing, and for that i am thankful.
Leelah Saachi