Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 36030
date submitted 16.09.2011
date updated 31.01.2012
genres: Romance, Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

Into the Deep

Missy Fleming

Sea levels around the world are rising, massive storms threaten coastal cities, and Aurora’s life changes forever with one step into the ocean.

 

Aurora always believed mermaids were creatures of legend, of children’s stories, but that all changes the night of her sixteenth birthday. Betrayed by her mother, she abandons her life on land to discover an amazing world beyond expectation and to find the father she never knew. She’s thrust into a life full of intrigue, danger, and promise as she fights to settle into the role of a mermaid princess.

But her new life is under attack.

While the storms growing around the globe carry other dangers like rising waters and violent marine animals, Aurora is caught up in the race to track down what, or who, is causing these terrible events. Is it possible that it falls on her? A brand new mermaid destined to use the power she was born with?

 
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tags

aurora, dolphins, greek, mermaid, merman, ocean, pacific ocean, palace, princess, sea, sharks, young adult

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Chapter 1

I’ve always been afraid of the water.

When I was four, I almost drowned in the sea. Ever since then, I can’t even take a bath. I’m not sure if it’s the repressed memories of almost drowning or the horrible, emotional way Mom tells it that scares me more. No matter how hard I try, I can’t remember. Mom says I’ve blocked it from my memory. Apparently, a rogue wave washed me over the side of a boat and I had to be revived. I get no flashes or strange panic attacks when I think of being submersed in water. I only know something bad will happen if I get in it.

Mom encourages my fear though I can never figure out why. Hopefully, one day, I can outgrow it.

Because I have a secret.

I am in love with the ocean. The fresh crisp smell of salty water, the mysterious creatures living beneath the surface, the many different colors it can change, even the sheer power; everything about the sea is like a siren song tempting me to its shore.

Only one problem. Even as it lures me, it frightens me. Because the pull is getting stronger.

If I told Mom, I’m sure she’d get that worried look in her eyes hinting at the things she’s keeping from me. Sure, adults are allowed to have their secrets, but I know hers involve me. It’s in the way she monitors my every movement, constantly checking up on me and making sure I’m where I’m supposed to be. Being a single parent is hard and I know she loves me. Only, it always feels like a huge secret is hovering overhead.

Maybe it’s the fact I’ll be sixteen in a week.

Every little girl dreams of turning sixteen. It’s the magical number where you’re officially no longer a kid. Life is truly on the verge of beginning.

The bell ending sixth period snaps me out of my thoughts. I glance around dazed. I missed most of Mr. Romaine’s history lecture. I love his lessons because he always puts a humorous spin on things, like how hot Helen of Troy was or why Hitler’s mustache was so small. He makes class fun.

I close my books and wade into the wave of people out in the halls. Finally, the day is over and it’s off to volleyball practice.

At my locker, my best friend Charlotte bumps into me with her hip. “Aurora, my dear, ready for practice? Not that we need it for our game this week.” Her waves of sunny blond hair spill around her shoulders, accenting her pert nose and inquisitive blue eyes.

“Yeah, it’s just Mission High and they’re weak. Besides, my birthday’s Friday. Nothing will go wrong,” I joke. “I totally spaced out today in History. Mr. Romaine lectured about the Spanish Missionaries and I was daydreaming about the ocean again.”

Charlotte’s the only one who knows about my odd fascination with the thing that terrifies me. She foresees it as a sure sign I’ll get over it one day. In fact, she constantly tries to get me in situations where I’m around water. She’s become my personal cheerleader for overcoming my irrational phobia.

“You’re such a freak,” she teases. “I’m going to help you face your fears on Saturday night. Bonfire birthday celebration, remember? I cleared it with the team and we already have it all planned.”

“You scare me when you say things like that. You know once I mention the word ‘beach’ mom will say no.”

She scrunches up her nose and leans in to whisper. “Just tell her we’re doing something else. It’s an important night.”

“Yeah, important night, I hope your definition of ‘facing my fears’ isn’t to throw me in and watch me sink.”

“Well, then you’d at least have a legit reason to be afraid. Or, it could be amazing. Until you at least try, who knows what you might be missing out on.”

“Yes, oh wise one.” Charlotte is an old soul, she always has been. Ever since we were kids she felt more grownup than other kids, or even adults. Her parents died when she was young, leaving her with her Grandmother Netty as a guardian, so I think she picked up a lot of the woman’s ancient insight.

We have a great practice. Physical activity always feels wonderful, maybe because I’m 5’9” already. My long awkward limbs only come close to resembling graceful when I’m playing a sport. I suppose my natural athletic ability comes from Mom. Once upon a time she’d been a pro surfer.

Having a daughter who can’t step foot in the water must be horrible for her, being unable to share something that once gave her so much pleasure. But she’s never tried to help me get over it or anything. I even asked her once if seeing a therapist might be a good idea. She hardly let me finish asking the question before she said ‘no way’.

At five o’clock on the dot, Mom pulls up in front of the gym. I still haven’t told her about the bonfire Saturday. I’m tempted to use Charlotte’s suggestion and lie, but I hate doing that. I love my mom with all my heart, regardless of her odd behavior from time to time.

I run through the rain and duck into the car.

Mom’s so beautiful. She doesn’t appear to be a day over thirty and I often catch the boys at school checking her out. Unfortunately, we look nothing alike. Her hair is almost white blond and falls down her back in a cascade I’m absolutely jealous of. Even her green eyes pop and compliment her peaches and cream complexion.

I, on the other hand, have black hair which curls uncontrollably and is impossible to comb. Most times I wear it up in a pony tail. It’s not that I’m not pretty, I just always feel like the single unsharpened crayon in the box compared to her. My ice blue eyes and tan skin must also come from my father.

Another one of the mysteries Mom protects fiercely.

“How was your day, sweetie?”

“Great. We’re going to do awesome against Mission this week.”

“I’m glad, I can’t wait. Anything else interesting?” It’s a question she’s been asking a lot lately in a way that makes me think she’s expecting something strange to happen. Of course, every time I ask her about it, she avoids the question or changes the subject. Now, I let it slide.

“No, no scary alien autopsies in Biology.”

She smirks and asks, “Have you thought more about the trip tomorrow? I still think you might want to see if you can get out of it.”

My fourth period Biology class is leaving in the morning for a full day at the huge aquarium down near the ocean. Mom thinks it’ll be uncomfortable considering my fear and has tried talking me out of it. I’ve held my ground, though. I’m excited about going. Getting out of school for a day appeals to me although not as much as the opportunity to experience some interesting things.

“I’m still going, Mom. I promise I’ll keep away from the edge and I’m not planning on going into the underwater exhibits.” Yeah right, of course I’m going to visit the exhibits.

“I know I’m a pain. I just worry about you.”

“Yeah, well, I kinda have to. It’s either go to the aquarium or write some long involved essay.” I flick through the radio channels, trying to find something other than the depressing news about the weather. “Oh, the girls on the team want to take me out Saturday for birthday pizza and a movie. Is that cool? I figure we’ll do our stuff Friday, on the actual day.”

Again the worry pinches her beautiful face. “I’ll think about it.” Before I protest she continues almost too quiet to hear, “I want to keep you safe this week.”

“You’re being all weird and secretive again. What’s so different about this week than any of the others? I’m turning sixteen. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Maybe I’m getting old and nostalgic. My little baby is growing up and I get sad. I’m probably being a crazy mom.”

“You said it, not me.”

I expect her to laugh, but she doesn’t. She’s always been a little off when it came to my safety. Mom is a basket case every time I’m out of her sight and it’s starting to really feel unnatural. I wish I understood what is bugging her so much.

From the look on her face, she’s a million miles away.

 

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Dakota Velasquez wrote 204 days ago

Hiya Missy,

So I just read the first five chapters and i have to agree with the others that have posted. Why aren't you published yet? Why am I not seeing this on my bookstore's selves? I love your writing. This is a perfect read for young adults and i can see it becoming the next big thing that teens are getting obsessed with. Kinda liek what happened with Twilight...but so much better. I really enjoyed what I read and when I have the time I'm totally coming back to read the rest. This is really good.

Totally giving ya six stars and cant wait ta see you getting published,
Dakota

John Booth wrote 251 days ago

Okay,

You don't need my help and you don't need this site. You have all the skills you need already,

Get an agent and go get published.

Seriously, you don't need anybody's help on here. There are some places in the narrative I'd do if differently, but then maybe I'm the one that's wrong.

Whatever you do, don't listen to the rule based idiots that pervade this site. Your writing is clean and economical and I suspect the main thing you need is guidance on what the Big 6 are buying into,

John

MIRO1K wrote 227 days ago

Kia Ora Missy - A YARG review,

Wow wow wow! wow!
And one more for good measure - Wow!

I finally got round to check out what all the fuss was about and....now I'm going to add to it!
This is everything great writing should be - fantastic voice, vivid imagery, pacey and most of all, intriguing!
As a man who was a real waterbaby ( river not sea in my case) as a kid I completely relate to your MC and the way you write has, I have to say, an almost aquatic quality to it! YA's would LOVE this - it has fantasy, love interests, freakishness (every teenager thinks they are one) -it's a great cocktail. The other characters are really well drawn too -Mum is very clear in my mind as well as her friend and suave Scott.

The only thing -and I emphasise only -I would take a look at is the dialogue in the opening chapter -I think the dialogue improves as we become enveloped -no immersed would be better in this case- in the plot. Just the early dialogue seems a touch unnatural and 'filling in on plot' -eg -I don't think we need too much info about the success of the basketball team -maybe just a few hints. The reference to 'digesting' Gossip Girl was another very small description that jarred just a little -'dissecting' ? -but then that is a bit cliched -I think some other way might be better.

This MUST reach the ED, MUST be published and will go on my shelf as soon as I headbutt whiteshark style some other books to make space-hmm....

6 stars for now
Kaal Kaczmarek

BessV wrote 52 days ago

I know you don't need anymore comments since you've already the top, but I've been wanting to read your pages for awhile. I was drawn to the mermaid concept, which hasn't been done for awhile. I only read through chapter 2, but I really liked the mystery element, both around her family secret and the weird weather events. I see that there's romance, too, which s great. I like your balance of having a light lesson and just telling an interesting story. I'd be interested to see where you go with this and your future work. Good job!

Vevon wrote 89 days ago

A great read....although I would like to see a more subtle touch at leading us in. I was truly captivated and read quite a few chapters. Also I would love to see a little more visual "color" when describing the fish and ocean. As a mermaid from a young age I know I would have enjoyed this book.....but I would buy this book now too!

Damkina wrote 100 days ago

Missy, I've really enjoyed reading your book and congratulations on reaching the editors desk.

I really hope to see Into The Deep on the book shelves before long and then I can finish reading it!

Jo Thwaites

Terry B wrote 109 days ago

Hi Missy.
Congratulations on getting to the editors desk.
Best wishes, and good luck for the future.
Terry "Never Again" (New title of published book Someone to Love Us )

Marisa Elyse wrote 111 days ago

I read the first seven chapters, and I must say it was a very interesting read. The characters voice is really good, and I believe her disbelief at what transpires with the fishes and the shark. The one thing that I would say to work on is the reaction of Charlotte regarding Aurora's transformation, which was only 'That's cool'. I want to see a bit more exploration there, and a more natural reaction from Charlotte towards it.

All in all, I enjoyed reading this and plan on finishing it later. And congratulations on making the editors desk!

Cheers,
Marisa
Tower of Paradise

Lynne Ellison wrote 113 days ago

Congratualations on making the editor's desk

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Geddy25 wrote 114 days ago

Have read the first 3 chapters but will definately read all of this. Your writing style is just a pleasure to read! If this doesn't get published then I'd really like to know why! Much better than some of the 'popular' books I read with my class. Would like to give you some constructive feedback but haven't found anything so far that could be tweeked as it is so engaging just as it is. However, if I do find anything, I will update this review to let you know.
Will be putting this on my bookshelf shortly and hope this will help you achieve the recognition your book so richly deserves.
Cheers
Mike

Chapter 4 'motivation speaker' not 'motivation speaking'.
How did Aurora know Charlotte's parents were vets if she didn't tell her? Maybe amend to "My parents were vets so I've got some big shoes to fill".
Chapter 6 check the first line as not sure it makes sense.

Gao Zuojia wrote 115 days ago

I've read seven chapters and had to force myself to stop and get back to my work. I was a bit conflicted at first, I though maybe you were giving away too much or that it would be predictable but, you masterfully avoided those pitfalls. I'm putting it on my shelf immediately. I hope you get it published. The only suggestion I have is to lose the tail on the cover, it gives away too much of the storyline, I think.
I hope you will peruse Kailai and the Dragon Prince and leave me some constructive feedback. - Zuojia Gao

Gao Zuojia wrote 115 days ago

I've read seven chapters and had to force myself to stop and get back to my work. I was a bit conflicted at first, I though maybe you were giving away too much or that it would be predictable but, you masterfully avoided those pitfalls. I'm putting it on my shelf immediately. I hope you get it published. The only suggestion I have is to lose the tail on the cover, it gives away too much of the storyline, I think.
I hope you will peruse Kailai and the Dragon Prince and leave me some constructive feedback. - Zuojia Gao

Malve wrote 117 days ago

Hi Missy, I very much enjoyed the first few chapters. The narrator's voice sounds authentic. The opening pulls the reader into the story immediately. Good luck with the book! Malve

Tamria wrote 117 days ago

Hello! I've sampled a good bit of Chapter One and like your voice, I think it's well-written and nicely flowing although there are a few things that could be corrected (I have listed these below.) Perhaps also you could "show" us a bit more of the colour and variety of this oceanscape, through description - rather than merely saying, for instance, that the fish are lots of different colours, shapes and sizes, you could say something like "a kaleidoscope of colours, shapes and sizes"; this is a good visual allusion. Just suggestions I hope you'll take them into consideration.

James.

Anyway, good work and hope you'll find the time to look into "Tamria"!

******

"everything about the sea is like a siren song tempting me to its shore" - like this!
"last ones to board the bus" - just "last to board the bus"
"Some moms try to help their kids with overpowering fears" - how about "Some moms try to help their kids overpower their fears"
"education based" - hyphenate: "education-based"
"copious warning" - I like this word use but is it really appropriate in the context? Maybe just "endless nagging"
"status of the world's oceans" - do you mean "state of the world's oceans"? And instead of "growing steadily worse" maybe "steadily worsening". This runs better, I think: "For months the state of the world's oceans has been steadily worsening"
"the more it baffles scientists" - how about "the more scientists are baffled"
"end-of-the-world sign" - maybe "end-of-the-world premonition"
"only some of the things worrying the public" - "only a few of the things worrying th epublic"
"The ocean's waters are rising" - I think you mean "the sea-level is rising"
"fully occupied cruise ship" - hyphenate: "fully-occupied"
"As fast as things are changing" - "With the eco-system changing so quickly"
"The confusion and the dire circumstances" - better: "The confusion and the direness of the situation are frustrating world leaders." (You don't need the "all" world leaders)
"Incidents like Mr. Campbell was talking about" - "Incidents like the one Mr. Campbell was mentioning"
"a drop in the bucket" - a bit too close to "drop in the ocean", which is a cliche but also a self-conscious pun. How about: "... are just one in millions."
"almost making it resemble the inside of a cave" - "almost lending it the resemble of a cave"
"Mr. Campbell hands us all our stamped tickets" - "hands out stamped tickets"
"attempt to behave yourselves" - I think "try to behave yourselves" sounds more natural
"I know it can be hard times" - "I know it can be difficult sometimes"
"Like most things in nature, the more beautiful the object, the more deadly" - how about: "the more alluring the object, the more deadly"
"salt water fish" - you used "fish" in the previous sentence so maybe "salt-water variety"
"brightly coloured and all shapes and sizes" - how about: "a kaleidoscope of colours, shapes and sizes" - that's a good visual allusion and more showing, less telling
"an exact environment of what you'd find in the South Pacific" - I think a better word-use would be: "an exact re-creation of the South Pacific environment
"Blue and yellow striped fish" - should be hyphenated: "Blue- and yellow-striped fish"
"pricks my imagination" - I like this phrase!
"All different kinds float eye level with me" - reads a bit clumsy: suggest rephrasing this
"swam in circles and wiggle" - this story is set in the present tense so should be "swim"

BeccaD0681 wrote 118 days ago
open mind wrote 123 days ago

I fully enjoyed this piece.

TillyMoments wrote 126 days ago

I like the concept and the narrative on the whole takes you along nicely. You lead me as a reader, though sometimes it feels a little pushy i.e keep reiterating that things are strange and are about to kick off.

I also think you have to be careful over the choice of words, for instance the word refusal (end of chapter 3), this is a very formal word and not one most teenagers would use when they are thinking or speaking. It is a very hard balance to get right how they think and how they speak but one worth working at.

I have put you on my book shelf as I think the story line is a good one. Good luck

OpheliaWrites wrote 127 days ago

Ch. 1-2

Very gripping and well-written. I can see how you've made it so far. Nice work. highly starred. I suppose you know there were two incidents similar to this in Feb. of 2010. Check out NY Times, the Lede blog. Creepy!

SW
DEVIL WENT DOWN

Goddess Pan wrote 128 days ago

Missy, I read this all through and it held me all the way, caught like a fish in your silken net. Aurora has hard choices ahead, but your story takes in so much more than her character, lively and appealing as she is. The oceans rising, the war between merpeople and sharks, an unhappy mother. A rich story, one that has deservedly risen so high. One question - does a mermaid have any fishy qualities besides a tail and gills? Your mer people seem to have very human brains and feelings - do they ever behave more like fish? Yours, Pan

GCleare wrote 128 days ago

Missy - I took a look at what you have posted and am very impressed with it. Mermaids are hot just now with the YA set, and I used to hook my feet together and pretend to be one as a child, swimming at the lake. Your writing style is clean and simple, good for the intended audience. I'd love to see more and know where the story is going, and I'm sure the publishers who scout this site would too. You should post the ending! High stars. ~Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

Huey Winchester wrote 129 days ago

The opening is very engaging. Aurora reminds me of Bella in the Twilight series. I've only read a little but it has that Twilight feel to it. It sounds like a very interesting story, and I'm sure that it takes a life of it's own the deeper that one gets into the story. Mermaids instead of Vampires? Who would have thought of that? I guess Missy Fleming would.

veganski.runner wrote 129 days ago

Hello Missy,

I'm enjoying your book and look forward to reading more chapters -- I've read all of the 11 you've put up so far.

While you're still in the process of writing, I thought you might appreciate me telling you the (very small number of) grammatical and spelling errors I noticed while I was reading. I've put the chapter numbers to help you find the lines I'm referring to.

5

Stavros and Galina left me to raise you terrified of the water, even though I tried a couple times and you never changed.

-- Stavros and Galina left me to raise you, terrified of the water, even though, when I dipped you in on a couple of occasions, you never changed.

Yes, you’re a princess in all sense of the word.

-- Yes, you’re a princess in every sense of the word.

-- Yes, you’re a princess in all senses of the word.

7

I’m not sure how I feel about a stepmother and stepsister, but I’ll deal with it if the time came.

-- I’m not sure how I feel about having a stepmother and stepsister, but I’ll deal with it when the time comes to meet them.

-- I’m not sure how I feel about having a stepmother and stepsister, but I’ll deal with it if the time ever comes when I’ll have to meet them.

9

More fish than I ever seen before swim to and fro, off on unknown missions.

-- More fish than I have ever seen before swim to and from, off on unknown missions.

“Do the fish really know who I am?”

-- “Do all the fish really know who I am?”

As far as Nuba, mammals are a little different than normal fish.

-- As far as Nuba goes, mammals are a little different to normal fish.

I’ve heard thing and I don’t see another explanation.

-- I’ve heard things and I don’t see any other explanation.

10

Overnight, he water grows warmer and even at the safe depth Orion keeps us at, we don’t pass unnoticed.

-- Overnight, the water grows warmer and even at the safe depth Orion keeps us at, we don’t pass unnoticed.

Good luck and once again I look forward to reading more of your book.

Adam

healthpolicymaven wrote 131 days ago

HI Missy,
Miss Montana I believe. I am so glad to see your latest book has met with such a warm reception. Keep up the good work! I backed the book too.
Best of luck
Roberta

ZoeSelina wrote 131 days ago

It has taken me way too long to get around to reading this, and now I think everything I could possibly say has already been said. You're on your way, and the most I can do is back you and wish you luck. I hope you go all the way with this. :)

YKajitaka wrote 132 days ago

I read one chapter and my heartbeat was speeding up. Here at the end of chapter two, it's going even faster. Keep up this pace and you'll give me a heart-attack!

I love the detail in which the scenes are described; I can clearly see the surroundings and the flow of action, and in settles everything to the floor with that dose of reality. A pointer I would like to give you however, is knocking me off--I can't really "see" the characters. LIke vague shapes, they have a pre-concieved form that I give them, but they haven't been labeled with any descriptors to tell us what they look like. In fact, the character--personality wise--that I have the best handle on is Charlotte, rather than Aurora. If there were any pointer that I would give you, I would say try and solidify your characters like you have your surroundings, and everything will simply fall into place for you.

I'm *still* backing this, though. 8D

Karen Dillon wrote 132 days ago

YARG! It's a Pirates review!

Missy, just got around to reading this and WOW!
There aren't enough words to describe the awesomeness of this book!
But here are a few to try...

Original, captivating, breathtaking, beautifully writen, AMAZING!... wonderifficsome....

So good I had to make up a word to describe it's brilliance!
Karen XD

Maria Constantine wrote 133 days ago

A fabulous story Missy and so well-written that not only young adults can enjoy. I really do hope it gets published. I will continue to read and support your book. It is on my bookshelf and I have rated it highly. Maria :)

Maria Constantine wrote 133 days ago

A fabulous story Missy and so well-written that not only young adults can enjoy. I really do hope it gets published. I will continue to read and support your book. It is on my bookshelf and I have rated it highly. Maria :)

Candymace wrote 133 days ago

This is an exciting young adult read. The idea is really unusual and I didn't see what was coming. The cover is super! I found it really easy to read and I wanted to keep on. It is very visual and I could see it as a neat film, or a tv series. Got it on my shelf. Candy

Moon Blossom wrote 133 days ago

Hello again. I'm really enjoying this and was rather looking forward to coming back to read a few more chapters today! As soon as I'm done, I'll get my daughter to read it too: she's eleven and a half and very advanced in reading years, so reads a lot of YA fiction. I just have to check that it's "clean"! One very small technical point in Chapter Seven: her stepsister would actually be her half-sister, as they share the same father.

Can't wait to finish the rest!

SJB

Bria Heart wrote 134 days ago

A very exciting book!
This is super well written.
The cover is perfect.
The pitch is well scoped out to catch the reader's attention.
I love the way you unfold your story. It is very fascinating to read.
Amazingly done.

Bria Heart <3

Mandi Oyster wrote 134 days ago

I enjoyed the first chapter and plan on reading more. A couple times you slipped into past tense. Watch out for that.

You write very well. I was pulled into the story from the first paragraph. I would buy this for my library.

Good luck!

Mandi Oyster
Dacia Wolf & the Prophecy

X the Unknown33 wrote 134 days ago

Into the deep is truly a fascinating tale ... brings the reader deep in its pages to a exciting world of fantasy. This book is worthy of the ED!

InspiredbyTW wrote 134 days ago

Wow, is all I can say. I've read the first six chapters in a matter of minutes as I feel compelled to keep reading. I can't wait to see this in print or as an e-book. Sign me up for a copy too!
Michelle

Caped Goat wrote 135 days ago

An interesting premise, about the mermaids, the human girl, and global warming. I'm thinking this is the sort of book my daughters would have enjoyed when they were teenagers. It's well written in a way that keeps the story flowing. I take note of things like this often since I'm a horror writer. This isn't my typical reading genre, so i don't feel comfortable commenting on it, per say, but know that I enjoyed it enough to back it and good wishes to you while you're on the desk this month.

M. A. McRae. wrote 136 days ago

Crit Ninja!
Read the first two chapters, dipped into a later two, and it’s enough for me. Please simply add me to the list of those to inform once it is available to buy. To be backed from the day after tomorrow until the end of the month. I love it. Marj.

pb_journey wrote 136 days ago

Hi Missy, had a look at your book and you have a very natural writing style, the plot develops quickly and comes under the category of a "page turner", each part of the story leading on to the next one. The acquarium scene was very descriptive and believable.

Just a few comments - I didn't really understand why Aurora's mum is so stand offish and distant - I would have thought she would be sad more than anything, not angry. But maybe that is explained later. The other point I had was about the ocean rising 8 feet. This didn't sound like a tidal surge, so any rise in the ocean would presumably be global, rather than local. This amount of increase would not just close most beaches, it would cover them (and many islands as well), so something seemed a bit out of place there.

Hope these comments are helpful. You've done really well, as evidenced by your very strong support.

Peter
Falscastra - Journey to the King

Roger McCalmont wrote 136 days ago

Except for a few typos & grammar errors I enjoyed reading the first 11 chapters & look forward to more of this story.
I particularly enjoy the story being told in first person present narrative as it draws the reader into the story as though he/she is Aurora.
Take your time with the rest of the story to get the feeling right. I want to enjoy it as much as I have the presented chapters.

vmorr wrote 136 days ago

I agree with all the comments below - you could get published right now! Really good luck with this one, i've given you six stars.

Moon Blossom wrote 136 days ago

I read a lot of my daughter's adventure/teenage type books so this one caught my eye - so far, I love the first chapter. I'm totally hooked. I'll get my daughter to read it as well and see how it goes. Looking forward to the rest....!

purple pea wrote 137 days ago

I like this premise!

Linda Lou wrote 139 days ago

INTO THE DEEP
hullo Missy.I haven't read much fiction or YA stories, but yours is interesting to say the least. As someone has already mentioned your story is a refreshing break from 'Twlight' sort of stuff. Sort of cleansing, you know. I do not need to mention the edits which I am sure you are aware of. anyway great story line and wish you the best. Please take a look at my non-fiction when you have a minute and thanks for that. Stars away!! LLL

JenniferNichols wrote 140 days ago

Missy,

I don't think I've ever been more impressed or aggravated by a book in my life. I'm impressed because I read the chapters you posted from start to finish and in one sitting because I couldn't look away. I'm aggravated because I didn't want to stop reading. I wish that this was all ready published because I can tell you right now I'd snatch it right off the shelf.

I want to know what happens next with Aurora and her father. How they're going to stop the oceans from rising, and whether Aurora is going to choose life in the sea or life on land...though judging by her reaction to Orion (and who can blame her? He's hot.), I have an idea of what that decision might be.

I'm definitely going to be keeping my eye on your work, Missy. Cause the moment this book is available in its fullest form, I want it.

Really, really amazing job.

EMDelaney wrote 140 days ago

INTO THE DEEP / Missy Fleming


I always find it interesting when I read a member of Authonomy's work that I've read before, such being the case with Missy. Over a year ago, I read her first book, (Mark of Eternity) and enjoyed it, despite the fact, as I told her, that I really didn't spend much reading time in that genre. The fact is, Missy is simply a good writer.

This said, I did notice some slight variation this time around. A bit more polish perhaps. The FP narrative, blended nicely with good dialogue balance, I especially thought was well-creafted. What I notice about FP narratives most often is the narrator trying to tell too much of the story. Missy must have been constantly thinking about this here because I sure where, or maybe I imagine it, a focused concentration on avoiding that trap.

Bear in mind, in CH1, the narrative switches from past to present and back again, but, smoothly. The way this is written, it makes perfect sense. Early on, mention is made to suggest there is a mystery as to 'why' Aurora is afraid of the water by her mother which since I read the pitch, makes me think about her possibly being a mermaid.

Letting Mr. Campbell do the job of 'showing' the situational back story in two pieces of lengthy, yet effective dialogue, was the right call. Essentially, CH1 gets off to a very good start.

Another thing to note is Missy's ability to keep 'I' to a minimum. If / when you read this, and you certainly should, you can learn by studying her sentence structure and how she avoids yet another trap FP storytellers fall into.

Just when I was thinking it would be hard to show me anything else whereas I will be willing to admit a point of unique or 'rare' had been acheived, I read this:

"Mr. Campbell, can I ask you a question?"

He comes my way. "Of course, Aurora."

This just felt very natural to me. I find I've begun to notice awful nit-picky things lately and this just screams 'down-home' to me. (It's the way the narrator speaks for those who don't catch this)

Next we get our first clue as to Aurora's potential 'secret' or unique gift in the scene with her walking in between the glass partitions and being followed by the fish. I just thought that was clever as could be. All of this in the very first chapter. (This is what a first chapter is supposed to do)

(In the last line of the chapter there is a typo, Missy)

Taking (once) last look behind.........

should be:

Taking (one) last look behind.....

(Perfection should be perfection so fix that real quick. This was one of the best first chapters I've read. Not because it was full of raging blood and guts or mystery, love scenes or excitement, simply because it did exactly what a first chapter is supposed to do with a story. My curiosity is up, I feel like I have learned a lot abut this story already and I'm absolutely turning to chapter 2....right now!

(1 hour later)
I don;t want to give away any more plot in my comments(Especially the scenes in CH2 that add to the plot). The narrative continues to carefully guide this FP (right now) story. Details are clear, depicted well with a care to be complete, not write over the head of her audience with wording and allow maximum inpout by her characters. (Missy is just good at this - her first work was like also)

Short condensed chapters feed this tale in perfect increments. The pace is set with them, complimented by a constant 'evenness' in flow. Each chapter delivers the same type of quality writing, no points where I felt the author was struggling to maintain detail or leaving anything out. I thought the build up to CH6 and the admission that Aurora feels compelled to 'you know what' was great! (I don;t want to give this away)

Missy, you've done it again, my darling. A little better this time, if you don't mind my saying so. Good story, great pace, great writing and excellent, did I say excellent theme stance. You stick with it all the way through what I read.

'From this moment on, I'm truly going to be lost in a strange new world.'
(What a great place to cut off the Authonomy readers!!!!!!)

I really enjoyed this. All in all - 6 stars! (I really read the work) This will be publishable material with a minimum of editing and less than a can of polish. I don;t know what they're putting in the drinking water up there in Montana nowadays kiddo, but it's working for you.

Happy to recommend this fine work.

E M Delaney

(PS - that #6 position sux! I was in it for 23 days once, I understand)



MrKarats wrote 140 days ago

Hello Missy,

I was contacted by Noelle J Alabaster to take a look at your offering and so I did, seeing that you fell off the desk I thought I should bump you up my reading list to see if I like it enough to lend my support.

I read to the middle of chapter 4 as uploaded here, which is a good sign considering I'm not into YA at all.

You do an excellent job drawing the reader in right from the start. Your strengths towards that end are the flowing fashion of your narration, the good use of the dialogue and the intriguing premise that lurks underneath it all... It also seemed polished to the extent that I couldn't find anything wrong with it.

Enough with the praises. One thing put me off and kept me from reading on. I honestly would have carried on if it weren't for Aurora's characterisation. In stories that revolve around one character, the author cannot afford to miss something concerning the character's development. I know what I'm about to say might sound nit-picky and if you think of it as useless, please disregard it. Here it goes.

I would have you reconsider the psychological aspect of Aurora's reactions to the 'incidents' in the aquarium. It is apparent -to me as a reader- that the fish are following her moves because she has some kind of effect on them. I keep something in mind when I want to throw mystery around an event in a story I'm writing: If the reader sees it, the character should already be acting on it. Aurora drew the conclusion that the fish were sick. That didn't make any sense at all. What kind of sickness connects the organs of perception of fish with the motion of a single person?

You went further and had everyone around her dismiss the fact that the fish do as she does as "fascinating but ordinary". At least, this is the way it came across. Apart from the "hot jock's" smile which was a promising reaction.

After the scene with the dolphins -in which the reaction was far better- the two friends say things such as "I'm reading too much into this" "You're not normal, and that's good." "It has to be some natural fluke" ... they are taking it all too lightly and are dismissing the apparent. She should be trembling at some corner and her mother should already be there...

By the time you give us the peak of the exhibition -the sharks, fascinating scene, honestly- I've lost interest 'cause I know you'll throw some kind of excuse to cover the mystery. Of course, fear gripped them all and they left, after we witnessed the attempt to suicide by the predators... Then she talks to her mother in anger and we are guided little by little to the revelation.

In my opinion, your story has the "prime material" -the premise- to hit the reader hard right from the start, YA or not. And from the way you write I'm 100% confident that you can make this a thrilling experience. Please, reconsider the psychological aspect of your MC.

5 stars for the premise from me.

Yannis

In case you wish to return the read, have a go at my second upload The Abyss Wars. Not everyone's cup of tea I'm afraid, dark, epic fantasy of the magic ralism subgenre.

Itharil Theia Delvarn wrote 140 days ago

So far after reading Chapter 1, this seems to be an amazing piece you have here. Aurora seems to be a fascinating character. Cannot wait to read more! The word play is amazing. I have been looking for a decent book about mermaids, that wasn't done by Disney and you have provided that for me!

THANK YOU!

I am backing and bookcasing this little gem.

Tate Reese wrote 140 days ago

YARG review

Great - well done! I will back and cross my fingers that you make it to the editors desk.

I found just one sentence that I thought was a bit odd:

'We are the only sophomores on the varsity volleyball team which have really accepted us' (?) should it be:
We are the only sophomores on the varsity volleyball team who have really been accepted.

Or perhaps:

We are the only sophomores on the varsity volleyball team, and they have really accepted us.

The two meanings are very different :-)

ChristineRees wrote 142 days ago

Hey!
I'm new to this, but I just read the first chapter of your book and completely love it! The idea is interesting, yet unique. I absolutely love your style of writing and feel a connection to the main character right off the bat. Great job! This sounds like a book I would pick up and read. When I have more time, I'm definitely going to come back and finish reading the rest.

Christine Rees
Spark

FinkArtStudio wrote 142 days ago

Yours is the FIRST book I liked enough to back and put on my shelf

DAwGi wrote 142 days ago

Chapter 1
"We're the only sophomores on the varsity volleyball team which has really accepted us." Sounded weird when I read it, maybe split "which has really accepted us." into a separate thought.
"...in to the Predators of..." should be "into"
"To me,..." don't really need to say that, all of this is through her perspective.
"Taking once last look" should be "one"
Chapter 3
"When one of my teammates..." sentence sounded a little funny
"that I ever thought" could be "than"
"...parts of the west coast is flooding" could be "are flooding"
"...make it worse" sounded a little funny, could be "makes it worse" or "making it worse"

I think it has a really interesting premise and the first chapter had me wanting to read more. I can see how it made its way up the rankings. I always find reading something written in the present tense just a little odd, but that's more of a personal preference. I will definitely continue reading when I have the opportunity.

djp wrote 143 days ago

Hey, nice style, flows well, the story arc is interesting. Whereas normally not my thing the science of the possibilty draws me in.
Good job, backed, check mine out if ya can.
djp

S.W. Gailey wrote 144 days ago

happy new year...just started your book and find myself all ready hooked...looking forward to plunging ahead!

best,

s.w.

D. S. Hale wrote 144 days ago

Missy, I had to come back for more. I've gotten to chapter 4, and I found one misspelling in this chapter. Otherwise, this is awesome! I love it, and pray that the editors love it, too! I am keeping you on my shelf this month. Good luck!

Typos: jeoulsly, should be jealousy

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

(I'll be back to read more!)