Oblivion Girl

the first chapter reads like an episode of the movie "Sin City"

Scott Rhine -- Dreams of the Fallen

OBLIVION GIRL
This is a story with a tough, tough, tough main character. I liked the way Essa introduced herself as a person who destroys cities. Makes it clear from the start she’s no one to cross. I think the way you use imperfect English in the narration adds an interesting tone to the story. Makes this both an easy and fun read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Oblivion Girl is quite a fun read. The gratuitous violence is almost comical, and I think that is the style that author Will Novy was aiming for. If that’s the case, then bingo, he’s found it.

Most of the setups in the book seem almost movie-like, as if Oblivion Girl was designed for visual appeal first and foremost, perhaps as a screenplay or even a graphic novel more than a normal book. The main character seems to wander from unbelievable scene to scene, each one just a setup for some type of fight or confrontation. It kind of reminded me of the Tank Girl movie a bit. Anyway, once you realize what Oblivion Girl is about, you know what you’re getting into, and that’s part of its charm.

I can see this book being popular with young adult males looking for a kick-ass female to admire. On the one hand you could argue that it empowers women, but I don’t think female readers will appreciate the style. Perhaps if Oblivion Girl was given a bit more characterization, a few more emotions other than rage, this might be the case.

As it stands, Oblivion Girl is a fun read. It’s not much more than that, but I believe that is the intention. I’d tuck it into my travel bag before heading off for a summer vacation or a long flight.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

SP - great, LP - fab.

Gratuitous violence - great, sassy mouth girl - great, lead character that calls themself an "unattainable hottie" - total turn-off. Seriously, Essa's narrative voice is strong and she should be really likeable but you somehow make her un-likeable. She comes across as some jail-bait man fantasy rather than a kick-ass girl.

This reminds me of something stylised like "Sucker Punch", however in that movie Baby Doll and Sweetpea are vulnerable as well as totally hard ass and that made them sympathetic characters, unlike Essa who in the two chapters I read has little redeeming features.

You have some wonderful imagery in there - the scene where she shoots the men in the head with only her finger is just brilliant and as many others have commented would lend itself to visual depiction.

Honestly, I think this has real potential. Essa as a more sympathetic character could find a wider audience. At the moment I think this is severely limited to men sitting alone in their bedrooms.......

If you are familiar with this genre it may be that you already know that it will have a niche. Apologies I couldn't be more constructive - I randomly picked this off somebody else's bookshelf and the cover alone led me to try it. If Essa was a bit more likeable I would have read on.

Best of luck, Marns

Oblivion Girl looks like something I would write. The MC sounds like one of my main characters. I might have to steal inspiration from her. This would work better as a comic or a manga. I would recommend you get an artist to draw this out. I agree with Seraphim62 on the manga feel of this story. The description and gun fight was beautiful. 10 out 10 for me!

Hi Will,
I've read the first few chapters of Oblivion Girl and the thing that stood out for me the most was the characters. I know nothing about you as a person, however, after reading your work I can tell that you must either read a lot of manga, or watch anime, as it gives me a heavy 'japanese' feel. In my opninon, this book reads more like a screenplay/manga series than a novel, but that's not to say I didn't enjoy it. I think there is an audience for your work, as long as you choose to market it properly :)
Good luck with OG,
Thanks,
Jake

First and foremost, I don't claim to be an expert, so feel free to use what you find helpful and ignore anything you sincerely disagree with. These are just my observations as I read and my attempt to help you continue to improve your craft.

The first thing that stuck out to me was the strength of the voice. Writing this in first person has helped you capture Essa's voice immediately and she's easy to root for. She's pretty bad ass.

The phrasing, "...strawberry colored shoulder length hair yours truly spun into two short ponytails" doesn't flow right. Since you're in past tense, it needs to be "had spun" since the spinning of the hair happened prior to her walking down the street, turning this into past perfect tense.

Possibly: "...your lord and savior? I didn't think so." For me, this punctuation is more effective.

Careful not to inundate this with clichéd phrases. We have, "took the cake," "talk the talk," "even if it killed me."

Careful not to change tenses. This is in past tense, but "I'm chugging along" switches to present tense. Be consistent. You switched to present tense again with, "When I emerge..."

I'd cut "out" from "muttered out." Tighten this where possible; it will improve the pacing.

Should be "Shoe's untied" since you're using a contraction. You're basically saying "shoe is untied."

"Their eyes so tightly locked on my legs I'd need pepper spray just to get 'em to blink" is a fragment. You're missing a verb. "Their eyes were so tightly locked on my legs it would have taken pepper spray just to get 'em to blink."

There were a few moments where I didn't believe Essa's character. The fact that she thinks she's so sexy doesn't work for me. At times it felt like a guy trying to write from the perspective of a girl. For one, her arrogance doesn't make me want to read about her, and two, it doesn't feel believable. Most girls, even the sexy ones, are insecure with their looks. I realize this is meant to be a comedy, but to me, it would be much easier for a girl to relate to Essa if this were the case with her. If not this, then she needs some weakness to make her relatable. Most readers aren't interested in reading about perfect people. They want a flawed character.

The semi-colon before "bodies as white as ghosts" is misused. An independent clause needs to follow a semi-colon.

I'd tighten this sentence to read, "And like magic, each time I shot, a bullet hit exactly where I had aimed."

The semi-colon in the sentence starting "He loved to cook..." is misused. Same with the one in the last paragraph of your first chapter.

In the end, I'm torn over this. I like the voice, the originality of the premise, and the overall writing. You're definitely talented. However, I wasn't hooked by your first chapter. It's labeled as a comedy, but it felt more like an action story than anything else. If it's truly meant to be funny, then I'd focus on that aspect in your next edit. This just isn't funny enough to be pitched as a comedy. Of course, humor is subjective, so maybe the humor in your book just isn't for me.

I also found myself wondering who you're targeting with this. Again, it's pitched as YA, but as a teacher of young adults, I'm not sure how many of my students would take an interest in this as is. My male students wouldn't be terribly interested in Essa's character and most of my female students wouldn't care for the action. As you work through this, I'd really consider who your target audience is.

Ultimately, I feel like you have a gift as a writer, but this still needs more work. Don't be discouraged by my feedback. Like I said, I only want to help you continue to improve. I'd be happy to come by and read any changes you make in the future.

Hi Will,

I love your opening line, bold descriptions and your darkly sarcastic approach. Essa captured my interest right away. A description that jarred me as cliche was "used and abused" in description of Essa's boots. Perhaps used tattered or a similar adjective? I would also look at eliminating some of your exclamation marks if possible (editors aren't fussy for them) your dialogue is strong enough that your tone shines through on it's own in most cases. Great start -- five stars! I will be back for more and will continue to watch this one.

Best,
Michelle
~ Willow Lake Manor ~

Michelle

I'm new to this site, but all these reviews MUST be from friends & family. I was able to slug through the first chapter and a half, but couldn't take much more after that. First and foremost, the writing style of this book is very black and white. By that I mean it has no real style of its own. It feels like listening to an English-as-a-second-language student describe a Tarentino story they heard when they were little and can't quite remember the plot or dialogue. The dialogue itself is also very painful to read. Having read other juvenile books-Potter and Catnip from the highly overrated Hunger Games--this just doesn't really stand up. Essa, Atticus, Kial, Jophie, Atedor... horrible horrible names. I'm also wondering who the target audience is? These characters seem to be 12-14 years of age by their actions and dialogue, and as such, considering the tone of the book, my suspension of disbelief is challenged at each and every paragraph.

I applaud you for completing a novel, but I would suggest devoting more time to honing your craft. Sharper dialogue, three-dimensional characters, believable plot devices, and most important of all, writing about a main character that the reader would actually like to know more about. As it stands, Oblivion Girl reads like a high school student's creative writing exercise that any teacher would give a "C-" at best. Go out, read other books, take writing classes, then revisit this story.

Interesting critique from someone who shows me no skill of their own to judge off of. All of my critiques on here are from people who I have never met or know, however, that being said, if you didn't care for it then that is your taste but that doesn't mean it's a bad book and obviously the comments and ratings speak for themselves. I hope you don't comment on others peoples books, cause all of these "questions" seem to be more ignorance than insight. Thanks for nothing, whoever the hell you are.

I'm new to this site, but all these reviews MUST be from friends & family. I was able to slug through the first chapter and a half, but couldn't take much more after that. First and foremost, the writing style of this book is very black and white. By that I mean it has no real style of its own. It feels like listening to an English-as-a-second-language student describe a Tarentino story they heard when they were little and can't quite remember the plot or dialogue. The dialogue itself is also very painful to read. Having read other juvenile books-Potter and Catnip from the highly overrated Hunger Games--this just doesn't really stand up. Essa, Atticus, Kial, Jophie, Atedor... horrible horrible names. I'm also wondering who the target audience is? These characters seem to be 12-14 years of age by their actions and dialogue, and as such, considering the tone of the book, my suspension of disbelief is challenged at each and every paragraph.

I applaud you for completing a novel, but I would suggest devoting more time to honing your craft. Sharper dialogue, three-dimensional characters, believable plot devices, and most important of all, writing about a main character that the reader would actually like to know more about. As it stands, Oblivion Girl reads like a high school student's creative writing exercise that any teacher would give a "C-" at best. Go out, read other books, take writing classes, then revisit this story.

This is a fun read. Definitely reminds me of a "Sin City" type read. I love pulpy fiction especially pulp fiction with a kick-ass female lead. There are a few things I noticed, hope you don't mind that I point them out.

* In the first chapter it is kind of jarring how you switch back and forth from the past and present. I know she is telling the story so that the reader knows she is a bad-ass, but it might flow a little better if she is telling it as it happens.

* When she talks about the cloud like pillows that will whisk her away to a lucid sleep. That flowery language doesn't seem to fit with her tough-gal image.

* When the guys take out their guns, where did they come from? Maybe you can allude to them hiding something behind their back or she sees that they are packing heat, but she isn't worried about it.

* One line says, "I blurted out BEHOLD" -- I think of the word 'blurted' like she accidently said something. I think you should make it a purposeful strong word like she is. Like yelled or proclaimed.

* After she dumps the french toast she goes back to her room, but then she says Atticus stares at the French Toast. If she is in her room how does she know this?

I love that Kial is very young and so is our MC. I also love the juxtaposition of the stoic Atticus with the verbose Essa. Atticus seems to be a perfect foil. Keep up the good work. This is fun stuff. I will keep on my WL.

Definitely one firecracker of a protag you have here. Wait, she's a protag and not an antag right? Just kidding. The scenes in chapters one and two are kinda lurid and personally I got a kick out of it. Particularly enjoyed the okey-doke they pulled with the box of chocolates.

I was intrigued by the child prodigy, Kial. The dysfunctional home life has a substantial trickle-down effect on Essa's views of the world and I'm curious to see how or if they fluctuate throughout the course of the story. Was kind of sad her whole city was decimated by the earthquake. Definitely explains her malicious moniker.

Sometimes the dialogue is undermined by her, exuberance, or so to speak. While she is a very endearing and charismatic character, keep the back and forth between her and Atticus smooth. Their bickering can be very amusing.

A lot to like here, definitely adding it to my watchlist until I can continue reading. Godspeed, and may the force be with you.

Just got to the end of "King Without A Crown" ... Pleasant read, Essa seems so real that I'm thoroughly impressed. I love the idea of her tattooed wings, just perfect. When see screams 'diamonds' I actually grinned massively. That and when she had Atticus buy the bracelet.
I love strong, kick ass chicks.
Definitely agree with the Tarantino type character that you've got going with her, the "i dont give a f*ck" attitude is spot on.
I like Atticus and his quiet stoicism, I picture his character like that of Richard Harrow from Boardwalk Empire, quiet, unassuming, crack shot etc ...

Overall, this was a terrific read. I can see myself reading this and having a rip roaring ride as I do!

I'm going to come back and read the rest, cos Essa has won my love! Even though I know she's likely to slit my throat or stab me in the back!

Just got to the end of "King Without A Crown" ... Pleasant read, Essa seems so real that I'm thoroughly impressed. I love the idea of her tattooed wings, just perfect. When see screams 'diamonds' I actually grinned massively. That and when she had Atticus buy the bracelet.
I love strong, kick ass chicks.
Definitely agree with the Tarantino type character that you've got going with her, the "i dont give a f*ck" attitude is spot on.
I like Atticus and his quiet stoicism, I picture his character like that of Richard Harrow from Boardwalk Empire, quiet, unassuming, crack shot etc ...

Overall, this was a terrific read. I can see myself reading this and having a rip roaring ride as I do!

I'm going to come back and read the rest, cos Essa has won my love! Even though I know she's likely to slit my throat or stab me in the back!

Wow, Will! This is a wonderful novel. It's so visual. Essa is such a great character, very believable. The story flows really well making me want to keep reading. I read through the chapters without realizing how much time had gone by. I agree that it's written with a graphic novel vibe, which is great and should appeal to a wide audience. Nice job!

Will, I've stopped at chapter two but really want to read some more! How old is this chick! I read one of the comments and you say that it is set out in another chapter. Grrr. Sneaky... Clever.

Essa is quite a character. It's like she stepped off the screen of a Tarrantino film. I get that graphic novel vibe from this. And can see your also a more visual writer, just like me. You see what's happening in your head, Essa's posture (the feet turned inward thing - to give her the girlie badass vibe). I don't know if you know a woman called Valentina Kallias on DeviantART - she has many photos of herself wearing WWII gas masks and I couln't help but imagine Essa wearing one.

Suggestions:
YA? Hmmm. Pretty violent and some cursing. Not so sure about that. Not that YA's won't love this. I just don't see publishers allowing it. Sad, but true.
Some language mistakes:
A long weeks worth -> A long week's worth
Wrong Einstein - means it isn't the right Einstein -> Wrong, Einstein - means, You're wrong, Genius! ;)
lord and savor -> Lord and Saviour/Savior (american eng.)
'...going to happen, Girlie.' Comma before the name of person referring to. E.g. I don't think so, short stuff.
whip cream -> whipped cream
Atticus' stomach growl -> Atticus' stomach growled
Shinnies (things that protect your shins)-> Did you mean 'things that are shiny'? Then it's shinies (one n)

Interesting read, Will. I wonder where Essa's parents are. is this set in the future or today? Where's Kial's parents and how at the age of 10 (?) is he able to hack - who taught him? Who taught Atticus and Essa what they know?

Thanks! Starred and will give a spin on my desk.
Cheers!

This story is told in an interesting way. Begining with the description of your MC and her hate for other humans. She passes through towns leaving only dead bodies in her wake. While I was expecting supernatural powers (I don't know why) I was amazed by her accomplice. Such a brilliant combination and so well thought out. Your writing flows steadily and you balance your dialog well. Fully star rated. Good luck.

Will,

I read the first chapter -up to the scene of Kial giving her the gasmask- and every moment of your story was over the top. Your MC was cheeky and full of it. I admit I had some fun in the beginning but I grew tired of it really fast- the end of the scene with the "horn dogs" was disappointing cause I expected something else instead of the sniper. I actually said "So, she is just talk, right?". I probably am one of those readers that don't get your style. I wish you the best with it.
Yannis

Oooh, I love Essa. I've always loved stories with a tough chicka as the main charrie. The blend of action and humor is excellent. Dark humor, but I love it. She's got a tough exterior that I would personally like to get beyond, but hey its only chapter 2 so who knows. I love the relationship between her and Atticus.

Quite hilarious and makes me wonder how in the world did these two get together in the first place. Also, I'm just curious but how old is Essa? There is the implication she is still in adolescence in chapter one when she makes a reference to her developing body. It was very ambiguous and that might shed some light on the relationship with Atticus...if he's older or younger ect. More info would be nice.

So far though, I've enjoyed what I've read. The bounty hunter element is awesome. Essa rocks and brings the whole thing to life for me. Starred and enjoyed!

-Christian Rogue (Beastia)

Thanks so much! All your questions will be answered soon enough as they are in chapters. There is a chapter specifically on how Atticus and Essa met, how old she is, and how she got her reputation. She also begins to calm down slightly as the story progresses, but never loses her sense of sarcasm.

I'm so excited you read past chapter one. haha. I think you may have been the first to do so on this site.

Oooh, I love Essa. I've always loved stories with a tough chicka as the main charrie. The blend of action and humor is excellent. Dark humor, but I love it. She's got a tough exterior that I would personally like to get beyond, but hey its only chapter 2 so who knows. I love the relationship between her and Atticus.

Quite hilarious and makes me wonder how in the world did these two get together in the first place. Also, I'm just curious but how old is Essa? There is the implication she is still in adolescence in chapter one when she makes a reference to her developing body. It was very ambiguous and that might shed some light on the relationship with Atticus...if he's older or younger ect. More info would be nice.

So far though, I've enjoyed what I've read. The bounty hunter element is awesome. Essa rocks and brings the whole thing to life for me. Starred and enjoyed!

-Christian Rogue (Beastia)

Really interesting storyline you have. The first chapter was great and really got you into the story. I am not super sure if I agree with having the story told in first person, it gives the reader an odd vibe, but it works at the same time. The dialogue is well done though, and I really like your title. I wish you the best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia:The Curse of Five

First Chapter is great! There were a few words a bet off.. I will go back later and let you know what I spotted. Love how the main character is, very aloof! Will be planning to read more! On my Watchlist ^_~ Also Rated!

i love your title- it sets the tone nicely for the story. your book cover fits nicely for this book as well. the eyes creep me out a bit though. :P i love the dialogue in this story- it seems natural and just flows, it doesnt feel forced. youve got a nice balance between description and dialogue, making this read nicely. i think youve got a good hand on who your character is. her personality is loud and i like it. i didnt really noctice a lot of mistakes- the only thing i would suggest is maybe making your long pitch a little bit stronger. i love your short pitch though- made me laugh.
good luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

A few tiny things : Money(')s . . . chef, not chief. Aside from missing commas, the first chapter is awesome. Loved it. I can see my daughter eating this up. She (twenty-seven) still reads nothing but mags and comics, but I can see her getting into this. Hell, I'm into it. Love the MC's attitude. She's cocky but lovable.

Getting late, but I will return. I have to see where this goes.

Susanne

You were recommended to me by Tony(Nightdream). I can see why. You are an edgy writer. The lines comes across fresh and have a great flow. I love some of the lines in here that really shows us who Essa is(really like the name too by the way). For example, "Has your brain ever felt like mush?" You use dialogue really effectively. That was nice too, it took my right in to her world. I'm looking forward to reading more and hope more readers will come your way. Good luck with this!

Best,

Ashley
"Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket"

What I think you need to do is consider splitting the chapter in two right at the point the gun battle was over and her dream had just begun. They are two different speeds and I think it will read better if you separate them. Plus, people on this site don’t like long chapters. You can always keep it as is for everything else but for this site really think about ending the chapter there.

But yeah what you got going here is that AMAZING first half of the chapter. You should definitely just make it into the whole chapter and I promise it will work better if you don’t. It’s just like I said in the comment before the pace of th two parts of the chapter are totally different.

That first sentence you got has to be one of my favorites ever on this site. congrats on that! But even better and more powerful line is just a few paragraphs down when saying each feather repesent a person she had killed. I say that is superb. I’m already in love with her voice and the tone of the piece. AND I’m going to go out as far as saying this will probably be on the editor’s desk in no time. You will probably beat me there and I’m already at forty something. That’s how good of a voice and some of the lines are in this first chapter (which by the way the furthest most people get on this site. Sometimes if it’s good like your book they will read through chapter 2 or 3). What I can’t believe is that you have been here about a week and no one has notice you. Well, I’m going to put you on my list of best first chapters on this site, give you 6 stars (usually I give that much just to be nice but you actually deserve it), and in a couple of days I hope to put you on my shelf.

The cussing usually bothers me and I tell the author to get rid of it but here it just works because it fits her voice. So I think nothing of it.

“Lucid bliss” really?!!! LOL!! great word combo.

put a comma after Essa “The name’s essa and I’m . . .”

Well, I’m halfway through your chapter 1 and just wanted to give you some of my thoughts. I will finish it in just a second. By the way great great cover. I will also be putting that on my bio page as one of the best covers. You sure know what you're doing.