Eggs-Cell Files

Nice book, Well written, Nice pitch.
Would defo recommend to a friend.
Rated 4 stars.
EllenMichelle :)
'A Model's Summer'

Nicely bonkers and funny, with enough intrigue to make me want to read more. I agree with Georgia that maybe the lead up to introducing the chicken is a bit over-played (mentioned several times before it happened). I also think that the opening chapter could be tightened up to be a bit snappier. The second sentence is a little clunky. I think this sort of humour would come over better with tighter narrative.

I hope this helps. It's an interesting idea and worth reading.


cheers

GG x

First of all your pitch is perfectly written. It was an informative lead-in. This work is very well written and extremely entertaining. Very creative and easy to read. You have a very unique voice--great word choice and sentence structure. I am impressed. I Love your imagination and sense of humor. Great job and highest stars. Lacy

Wow, I like this- it's certainly an interesting idea, and it works! I like the humour and the bizarreness of the situation Scott finds himself in. I think it would be better if you didn't mention the chicken beforehand, though, as it would be funnier if the reader thought everything was normal up until the point when Scott nearly falls over the chicken! But of course, this is just one opinion.

Thank you for your comments on 'The Puppet Spell', and good luck with this- it's certainly original!
Emma

Your pitch got me reading. still reading but great story thus far

Hi!

First off, I was really intrigued by your pitch. I mean, how /does/ that happen? But in saying that, I also felt that you were trying too hard with a lot of your jokes and as a result they fell flat. You also alluded to them before they happened, which then meant that the reader was expecting them. I know writing a first chapter is difficult, but I feel that you need to come up with a better hook, or else you'll lose readers who didn't see the funny side of it.

Hope this helps!
Georgia

Hi Warrick,
I've broken off in mid-read half way through Chapter 4. I thought I'd best write down some comments before I forget what I was going to say.
I'm really enjoying your book and very much share in Scott's amazement and discomfort at the situation he finds himself in. You include some very good details of the accounting world, especially in Chapter 3 (details such as, "He then dumped the sales ledger and bought ledger transactions . . .") which makes Scott's world seem very real to me, and his situation, therefore, all the more bizarre. I thought you handled the conversation between Debbie and Scott in Chapter 3 particularly well, and like the way Scott puts Francoise on the spot, trying to get her to say something. I also like the way your last sentence of each chapter (so far, at least) is a bit of a cliff-hanger into the next chapter. It really prompts me to read on. You've also paced the introduction of mystery and (possible?) romance very well.
Two things to look out for when you edit your story: the opening chapters are always the hardest to write, as you try to introduce the reader to the world of your novel, and you've tended to over-explain things a bit in the first two chapters. For example, I so share Scott's surprise at seeing a chicken in the building, that there is no need to explain that the chicken is out of place here (beginning of chapter 2). Also, there are occasional slips in punctuation during direct speech (for example, in Chapter 4, you write: "No." He confessed.) I noticed a few slips prior to that, but as I'm just reading chapter 4, this one springs immediately to mind.
And now I'll shut up and continue reading. I really am curious to see what will happen next . . .
Best wishes,
Annette

Hello

Interesting story. The subtle jokes were interesting and the chapters kept me going. I don't know if you were trying to make the reader aware of how clean and nice the offices were for a reason, but I would go back and see how it can be more potent with less words. Other than that, I enjoyed the read.

Thanks for sharing
Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Hi Warrick Your imagination is bizarre enough to even suit me. I particularly like the way in which you finish your Chapters with a teaser to lead the reader into the next Chapter and I like the half-hidden joke with no explanation 'I like it all ways'. And putting in bits of French without heavy handed explanations works for me. Edward.

Hey Warrick, just had a read of the first few chapters. A really interesting premise and you wear it well, as they say. I agree with some other comments that you could probably go through with a fine tooth comb and weed out anything extraneous or repetitive. For example, you maybe don't need quite so much about how fine the office building is. Otherwise - great stuff and I will be interested to watch your progress! Juno

Warrick, I read the first two chapters of this book. The chicken is very funny, I enjoyed Scott's attempt to apologize and his musings as to how a conversation between he and the chicken would go. This isn't really my type of read, but it was entertaining. I think you could do with going through and cutting out any extraneous details that aren't significant to the plot, i.e. that Scott had met the one woman at an interview, etc. Also some of the descriptions of Scott's coworkers could be shortened, maybe focus on one or two features that can define that character so that the flow of the story doesn't get bogged down with character descriptions that the reader will probably forget and that aren't significant to the story. I remember one description of the office building in chapter one that was a little repetitive, about how the exterior of the building masked the normalcy inside or something to that effect, and then you used a similar analogy in the very next paragraph. So, just keep an eye out for that kind of thing. Like I said, a very entertaining read.

I've never laughed so hard reading a book on this site. And within in the first two chapters! Your comedic setup and timing is great. The way Scott reacts to everything is perfectly realistic. I really liked this--your writing your approach. Jokes aside, you've found a unique and entertaining way to tackle some heavy social issues.

Eden
The Siren's Heart

I've never laughed so hard reading a book on this site. And within in the first two chapters! Your comedic setup and timing is great. The way Scott reacts to everything is perfectly realistic. I really liked this--your writing your approach. Jokes aside, you've found a unique and entertaining way to tackle some heavy social issues.

Eden
The Siren's Heart

Hi Warrick,

I'm returning your read from some time ago.

Pitch is interesting, I like the idea.

I read C1 and C2. I think you are over-explaining things as it reads at the moment. Some examples of this:
- The first two paragraphs of C1 - do we need this info now or is it something we can learn as we get to know Scott?
- Is it relevant that he had met Donna previously at an interview?
- The opening para of C2 - I don't think it is necessary to explain this to the reader.

I found the physical descriptions of everyone we meet was rather distracting, and I felt too many characters were introduced in the first couple of chapters - by the time Grace reappeared I had forgotten who she was.

I think you have a great idea and the potential to make this a humorous and thought-provoking read, but at the moment it doesn't grab me.

Just my opinion. I hope it is helpful but if it isn't then just ignore it.

Best Wishes,
Maisie

HI Warrick,
This is so different! But in a good way - working in HR myself, I could relate to so many of the conversations taking place! I love the madness, the absurd, the quirkness of it. The writing is very fluid too and very easy to read, which is great for a novel like this. Will certainly be reading more.
Eve

Warrick,
This is an absolute delight to read! Not just funny, but hilarious!
Your work is polished and I was caught from the moment I began. Admittedly, this is not the typical thing I would pick up off the shelf, but it has worked for me so far nonetheless :)
A few stylistic things I’d recommend; in the line ‘Everyone seemed perfectly pleasant…’ I’d put another comma after ‘is’ to put added emphasis on ‘except the chicken’.
Actually that’s about it for the moment, I got a bit lost in your story, it is so light-hearted and easy to read that I find myself forgetting about everything else in my desire to see how things will unfold…
Let me know if you want some more detailed nitty gritty feedback on any chapters. As for tonight, I’m going to relax and enjoy this smartly crafted piece :)
All the best
Cara

Warrick,
This is an absolute delight to read! Not just funny, but hilarious!
Your work is polished and I was caught from the moment I began. Admittedly, this is not the typical thing I would pick up off the shelf, but it has worked for me so far nonetheless :)
A few stylistic things I’d recommend; in the line ‘Everyone seemed perfectly pleasant…’ I’d put another comma after ‘is’ to put added emphasis on ‘except the chicken’.
Actually that’s about it for the moment, I got a bit lost in your story, it is so light-hearted and easy to read that I find myself forgetting about everything else in my desire to see how things will unfold…
Let me know if you want some more detailed nitty gritty feedback on any chapters. As for tonight, I’m going to relax and enjoy this smartly crafted piece :)
All the best
Cara

I've read the first two chapters. This is hilarious. You've done a great job writing a humorous spoof. I'm giving it a high ranking and putting it on my watch list. I hope you'll read a bit more of Stopped Cold when you get a chance.

I've read the first two chapters. This is hilarious. You've done a great job writing a humorous spoof. I'm giving it a high ranking and putting it on my watch list. I hope you'll read a bit more of Stopped Cold when you get a chance.

I've read the first two chapters. This is hilarious. You've done a great job writing a humorous spoof. I'm giving it a high ranking and putting it on my watch list. I hope you'll read a bit more of Stopped Cold when you get a chance.

Warrick,
I gotta tell you, first I was mystified by the whole scenario, then amused. I didn't think I was going to like it, but as I read further into it, I was drawn in. It really isn't my type of book, but it's well done. You've clearly put a lot of thought into it. You probably have a clever sense of humor, and I bet your daughter loves the story.
Good work and keep it up. I'll definitely read more.
Meryl

Educated poultry... could only come from France hahaha and oh boy are we arrogant too! Had I been Scott, I would have put Françoise on a plate at chapter 2. I have only read to chapter 4, and would like to read further before I put your book on my shelf... but what I can say so far is: this is WEIRD!!!! In a darn good way :-D Made me laugh out loud. Love it!

Dear Warrick,
I get to the point by saying I simply like the way you write.

Shahryar Cohanzad

This is a hoot! How did you come up with a guy having to work with a chicken???? I'll certainly be coming back for more...
As you can see, I've finally gotten over to do my promised read, and have really enjoyed it. You're off to a great start, and just need a bit of polishing. Today I've read chapters one and two. The first chapter didn't need much improvement, but there were a lot of grammatical problems in the second. I've marked them below, and in some instances mentioned what might be implied by certain sentences... :) If it's overwhelming to you, please tell me, and I'll just do general comments on the next chapter.
You described the women well, but the poor guys are faceless names, without even a job description. Tell us more here!
I know I'll be thinking about that funny chicken all evening...

Chapter One:
“he thought it best to show willing”: “show himself willing” is more clear
“It’s a lovely outlook”: end with comma, not period. “he said” must be in the same sentence with at least part of what was said.
“really honks”: add missing period.
“Donna, came to greet him”: instead of putting a dash here, I’d simply start a new sentence.
“showed him to his desk”: put a comma after “desk”.
“checked his tie in the mirror…”: this sentence becomes unwieldy. Either reword it completely or chop it into two: “He checked his tie and ran a hand through his tousled mousey hair. His blue-grey eyes…”
Chapter Two:
“small chicken going into the ladies toilet”: add apostrophe: “ladies’ toilet”.
“picked on Jill”: In America, “picked on” is equal to “annoyed”. Omit the “on”.
“there was no attempt to deny that she was nearing sixty”: You have a run-on sentence here; a period after sixty will fix it.
“Jill did not answer…”: another awkward sentence. Try saying, “Jill, taken aback, did not answer immediately; her hand went to her mouth.” You don’t have to say twice that someone else answered.
“accountants who work here, you obviously…”: run-on. Again, change out the comma with a period.
“looked quizzically at Jill, who’s..”: It should be “whose”
“question this last comment…”: “his” instead of “this”
“she isn’t a person she’s a chicken…”: run-on again. Period after person.
“Hi, I’m Debbie.”: End with a comma, lowercase S. This should be just one sentence.
“The occasional p.a.”: Abbreviations generally are put in uppercase: P.A.
“When he was offered this job he..”: was needs a past tense after he. Say either “he had” or “he’d”.
“sales guy left the Kitchen”: kitchen should be lowercase.
“No, I’m fine thanks”: Add comma after “fine”
“happy about things”: put the comma inside the quotes.
“I’ll be OK”: Add comma after OK
“Certain members of the staff”: put comma inside quotes
“policy here at Gladwell”: Add period after Gladwell to define her words from his thoughts.
“she relaxed slightly”: Replace the comma after “slightly” with a semicolon.
“break the ice”: Period inside quotes
“beginning to dawn on him”: another run-on. You can fix this one by replacing the comma with the word “that” after “him”.
“have no problem with it,”: again, a run-on. Use a semicolon instead of comma after “it”.
“he looked at her screen, there”: more run-on: you could put a semicolon here, but I think a period would be best.
“’No thanks’ He”: Careful here—to say no thanks without a comma in between is to be ungrateful! Add commas after no and thanks, and make “he” lowercase: “No, thanks,” he replied.
“strong and dark”: add comma after “dark”
“enjoy your fruit tea”: add comma after “tea”
Who is Geoff? Introduce him!
“carry on tomorrow”: Punctuation inside quotes!
“checked his watch”: I’m sure the watch is not itself four-thirty, but the time is… period after watch!
Who is Brian? Why is he the one to give permission to go?
“FT”: The first time you use initials, you should spell them out.

Yes, I know that's a lot! Even so, it's a great story. :)
~Hannah

I really liked this. I can certainly see the Pratchett Gaimon influence. I've added it to my watchlist to read more as I found it really easy to read and engaging. Can't think of any criticisms. Too true you don't want to be seen going into the ladies'[ toilet during your probationary period and never use the ch word.

I've enjoyed reading this, interesting, humorous & also thought provoking. In terms of typos I spotted a 'does' instead of 'do', but was too engrossed in the story & now I can't find it. It's in the first or second chapter. Sorry! It just goes to show what a good read it is!

Hi Warrick,

First, thank you for your helpful comments on The Beautiful Stalker.

I thought this book was fun and engaging. I only planned on reading the first two chapters, but ended up reading two more. I liked the idea of the chicken. I thought it was hilarious many times. It's easy to follow, great descriptions throughout, natural dialogue.

Scott is charming. He will surely appeal to many female readers like myself.

There are a few missing punctuations, like in chap 2 "Francoise"
Other than that, I found no errors. I enjoyed this so much and I will definitely come back for more. Especially when i want to laugh. Brilliant writing. Five stars from me.

All the best,
Di

LOL!!

Funny opening chapters. These people must me mad to get upset about calling a chicken a chicken. What else would he call it? You write well, and it's easy to read and get into and keep reading. I had to stop myself before I ended up staying awake all night.

High stars
Karen. =)

Hi Warrick,

Easy to read, well written and funny. Good job, well rated.

Tania

Did you see that chicken? LOL. I laughed so hard when the woman got mad because he called the chicken a chicken that I nearly fell out of my seat. If I was working at that place, I would have quit. Crazy but funny. I think you have some small editing issues here and there, but I'm no expert, so maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, very funny opening chapters.

Hi there! Just returning the favour. :) Anywho, I read your first chapter and thought the premise was certainly an interesting one. The idea is funny, and definitely executed well. Your only real problem here is that sometimes your language isn't fluid enough, that is, your punctuation relies a little too heavily on commas when something else would work better. It's definitely a story with promise, though! I gave you 4 stars.

Hi Warrick...your story's a hoot. The pseudo reality reminds me of Alice in Wonderland. I've read the first two chapters and feel like I want to keep going. You keep it simple but intriguing. Very witty. Just the idea of a chicken working in a company makes me laugh. And you really get across the dizziness he must feel because of all the odd and bizarre behaviors. Off with his head!!! I believe you have a winner...a best seller!
Thank you, by the way for your great review of my story...Dummies for Dating
best wishes
michelle

Hi Warrick, as promised I've had a good read. I can understand Carys comments below re the chicken but to be honest, once I got into it which was pretty much straight away I was laughing out loud, especially para starting, was he imagining the conversation...

Ok, a few very small things...
Chicken going into the ladies toilet? She couldn't open the door so how did she enter?
the dialogue re, 'I've emailed to your PC' - no need to mention PC
Some comma's etc missing

Six stars and on my WL (I'm starting to understand the acronyms...haha) I do want to read more, but somewhat hungover...still, after a party last night, lol. I will add to book shelf very soon.

Susan

Hi,

Thank you for reviewing Sunkissed, in return I'm checking out your first few chapters. My main problem I'm afraid is the premise and the chicken...I'm finding it a bit difficult to suspend belief enough to feel involved but that may just be me, I'm sure other readers will feel different as reviews are always subjective.

Your opening sentence is a bit repetitive (uses change twice) and didn't grab my attention as much as it could have.

I think you do a great job and setting the scene and introducing characters though your descriptions remain generic (mousy hair) I'd have liked to have read something more creative. I'm assuming this is a humour piece, with the chicken, and it isn't really to my personal taste so my comments may not be that helpful as I'm not the demographic this book would be aimed at.

Saying that, I admire you for writing something so unique and did enjoy what I did read, which was the first three chapters.

Hi Warrick - I have read several chapters of your book as promised. I found it extremely well written and very entertaining. I really wasn't sure what to expect but you drew me into the story unexpectedly and so I ended up reading quite a lot and plan to finish it when I have time! Your writing is of a very high quality and it is easy to read - which makes for great holiday reading. Your idea with the chicken/s seems quite unique to me so you should do very well - you deserve to. Lots of stars from me and I will put you on my bookshelf for a while.

Margaret Weston - How do I know I know God

Really original premise and when the women tell him off for calling the chicken a chicken it's hilarious. For me there is a bit more telling than showing (for example intro of Grace) and the description of the office in chapter one could be trimmed a bit. Chapter 2 is stronger. Nice job!

Your style is quite simple, not dripping with imagery or staccato to heighten tension. It's quite unique and comfortable, something to sit back on a lazy afternoon and enjoy.

The story couldn't be more intriguing, and is as fun as it is bizarre. I truly believe that a chicken (excuse me for being racist) works for that company!

I love the interactions between each character, treating Francoise as a normal worker and Scott is the odd one out is great. I liked the premise - being an Accountant myself I would have exactly the same reaction if I can across Francoise. Very well written and it makes me want to read more. Well done.

I love the interactions between each character, treating Francoise as a normal worker and Scott is the odd one out is great. I liked the premise - being an Accountant myself I would have exactly the same reaction if I can across Francoise. Very well written and it makes me want to read more. Well done.

Warrick,

Gotta admit, wasn't too sure about the chicken angle. I began reading mainly because I have a brother named Scott who is an accountant. Just finished the second chapter and find it quite humorous. Plan to finish it when I get the chance! Good job!

Madison A.

Sorry for the delay Warrick, but here's my half of our reading swap.
What you've got here is weird but undeniable wonderful. I was utterly bemused at first, rather like Scott, I suppose. But as Francoise's role and character became clearer, I found myself getting to grips with the story. Your characters are great too - likeable and well introduced. Especially Francoise - she's got a brilliant attitude!
You might do well to drop tiny hints about Francoise's incredible talent a little earlier - how she is able to type, understand conversations, react to people, etc. Tease your readers, don't throw them in fully at the deep end, or they might be tempted to disregard it as a weird and overwhelming idea.
At first I thought that you were really stretching the boundaries - combining the very real, stereotypically mundane office job with the off-the-wall, and unexplained, chicken colleague. But I think that there could be a place for this kind of story - pitch it to the right people and it will do extremely well.
Congratulations on your success with this so far,
Isabel.

Hi there Warrick I have just finished your book and found it very enjoyable. I loved the angle with the chickens very inventive and unique. I especially love the ending with the chicken and the mobile phone. Great read and highly starred. How about a sequel. :)

First, I had no idea what to expect when I read your pitch about there being a chicken being in the office. I have to admit, I put off reading this swap for a little while. I had this picture in my mind of a giant mutant chicken. Is it strange to say that I was relieved to find out it was a real, normal, fryer-size chicken? Very interesting idea, and a great statement on the extreme way some people view prejudices. I like the idea, and I'm enjoying the story.

That said, though, I do get a bit hung up on the punctuation. For the most part, punctuation should be placed inside the quotation marks. I'm also a bit thrown by the accounting. I know that is a huge part of the story, but just remember that there are a lot of people reading your book who know *nothing* about accounting, so try and keep that in mind when dealing with terminology. I'm also a bit lost with some of your phrases, but that's just because I'm an American, I think.

All in all, I like your story (I'm planning on finishing it). As was mentioned somewhere below, I'm curious to find out how you can keep this chicken thing going throughout an entire book!
Good luck with everything,
~AJ

I love the concept and the way it is introduced. There is a challenge there to the reader to find out more - a good hook. The prose is quite strong but I think there is some superfluity and as a previous comment suggested, I think it would be a good idea to have a clear characterisation and build the humour round that. There's plenty of opportunity within the setting.
I'm definitely going to read on. I want to know more! Cheers.

Hello,

I have now read chapter 4.

Positives are that I like the idea of the book (as I got it from reading only one chapter). I like your prose. It is so good to read something decently written after all the other stuff I've read on this site.

It feels like you are writing a Wallace and Gromit or 'Wilt' type story. This needs a very strong and witty voice- and that's what I think is missing.

A chicken as a workmate means either people just accept it as in a W & G way or that they are absolutely dumbstruck outside to the office but totally accepting inside. The characters need to be strong with definite hooks, which are again, lacking.

The beginning part I would rewrite. I began to lose the will to live over the accounts descriptions, which despite having an MBA I still did not follow -nor wanted to. I think the idea of pristine invoices is good and should be the focus of the conversation.

The whole story moved too slowly for my liking and without a definite direction. somethings were just out of the blue without any reasoning from the dialogue. I couldn't find the 'come-on' or the fancying of the HR girl, which needs to be hyped up. there were several other conclusions made by the main character that weren't backed up by the dialogue.

Finally I thought there was far too much - very well described and written - introspection about each minute piece of speech. More show and less tell, I think.

The real life chicken seemed to be missing a hyphen, but I may be wrong.

You may hate me now - but one other idea was to develop the idea that on talking to the activists in the pub they mostly talked about the x-factor - which he found he knew a lot more about than them- would be a great part to expand in a humorous way.

Character speech was good with some (the drunk in the pub) but didn't seem to lead anywhere.

At the end of the chapter I have no mental picture of any of the characters -apart from the chicken, which was good. Maybe this has been developed before.

I liked the way it flowed with good English but it needs to be a lot more gripping and/or entertaining.

Hi Warrick,
I love the opening line.
Period after honks
Haha, the first line where you say “the chicken” is great! I actually laughed out loud and cocked my head to the side AT MY COMPUTER. Can’t help but love a physical reaction to a book.

So.... this book is completely cracking me up. I have no idea where it’s headed. I read the first 3 chs. I kept it on my WL and I’ll read more. If nothing else, than I have to understand how you can fill a whole book with this. Is there an office romance involved? LOL (God, I hope not).


Good luck!

Hi Warrick,

I have read the first four chapters of your book and I must admit I am intrigued. The chicken as well has having made me laugh has got me baffled. Great writing that makes you just want to read more to see what the hell is going on. I will let you know what I think when I finish. Cheers Gannon.

Scott, the accountant, has picked a Greenfield site for his next appointment in more ways than one. It’s a strangely insular place. Scott tries to direct attention to the outside, the “lovely outlook”, but the receptionist can’t get her mind away from reception, and the smell.

Gladwell Health are the company, and they have a very tolerant policy towards the animal kingdom, particularly chickens, and mentions of a chicken, up to Scott’s actual discovery of a chicken, should be a clue as to what’s going to happen. Scott can’t tell there’s going to be a chicken until he discovers the chicken at the end of 1. It’s a case of ‘author intrudes to tell us what’s going to happen’, but it’s judged very well. It’s not too strange, and the interventions warning about the chicken, deflect the downright weirdness, and make it more comfortable for a mass market. I like the thought that a big pharma company might have gone a bit too far with something in the lab, but there’s no sense of protest or controversy.

In Ch2 Scott is reprimanded for calling the chicken a chicken, and it seems he’s uncomfortable with political correctness generally with his line about, “disabled, black or a midget”. He compares people to the chicken, and Francoise appears to represent someone who can’t do her job, for whatever disability, but because of political correctness, Scott, our hero, dares not mention it.

When Francoise starts using the computer, that’s brilliant. And I like that Jill has really got it in for Scott about the chicken. It’s very good. Shamed on his first day by his encounter with a smart chicken. Again, Debbie defends the universally-accepted policy towards minorities, “we like to encourage all minorities”. There’s nothing odd about, Gladwell Heath, it’s Scott who has trouble fitting in.

It’s very good. Well done, I’m sure this unusual novel is going to do very well. Best wishes - Ian

Although the American and British speak the same language, everything else is differeent. The tone, the short stiff remarks and I'm never quite sure what they mean. (Smart suit) Expensive? (Lovely outlook) Beautiful view?
This is a bit choppy and would play better across the pond where you live. However, James Hilton, H. Rider Huggard and H. G. Wells were three of my favorites, but their English was more universal. Maybe I'll try again after I read some others.

Although the American and British speak the same language, everything else is differeent. The tone, the short stiff remarks and I'm never quite sure what they mean. (Smart suit) Expensive? (Lovely outlook) Beautiful view?
This is a bit choppy and would play better across the pond where you live. However, James Hilton, H. Rider Huggard and H. G. Wells were three of my favorites, but their English was more universal. Maybe I'll try again after I read some others.