On This Rock

I read Chapter 2 today, and the fluent writing cheered me. The chat between Benedict and his student is well thought out and reasoned. The conversation sounded natural and flowed well. But in the end, Benedict was left with his original problem. And it's a doozie. What does Darkness Returns mean? The reader is left to wonder before flipping the page.

Only found one typo: "That's just it. I don't know,//missing quotes// replied Dan.

I'm going to back this again and help it up the ladder. Keep working on it. Revise like mad. It's the best way to success.

Francene, Still Rock Water.

The story is built on an interesting premise. Your imagination is serving you well and I'm sure it will appeal to many readers.

I'd like to suggest that you avoid common errors in sentence construction. The dreaded 'was' and 'were' are used too many times. E.g: And something else was plucking at the strings of his memory. Great sentence apart from the was. Suggestion: Something else plucked at the strings...
The joining of actions with 'as' is another problem. He did such-and-such as he did something else. Better to say he did such-and-such and he did that.
At the beginning there are too many sentences beginning with an ing'. word. It becomes annoying and breaks the concentration on the story after a while.

These comments are in no way criticizing your story. I hope they can benefit the way you put your idea across.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

creepy, scary, visual feast, exciting, epic, human, mix of characters I've never seen before, strong dynamics, focused story. backed.

Hi Simon

On This Rock is creepy good. You are a very talented writer and this a great story.

backed
Pamela Frost
aka scatteredfrost
Houses of Cards

I NEED TO FINISH READING THIS BOOK!!!! I was drawn in from the first grisly second and read all 12 chapters in an hour and a half. This is perhaps the best manuscript I have read to date, and I wouldn't say that lightly. The only thing I can blame this book with is that I have chills racing up and down my spine, and I will have to sleep with my lights on and with my Bible held close.... If Deacon finds me in my dreams I will hold you responsible!
Bully and backed with great pleasure,
HK

‘It was a hangman's lullaby.' Oh, how powerful is that? The whole thing had me sitting on the edge of my chair, feeling a great sense of unease. I have no suggestion to make. I was waiting the whole first chapter for Jan to get his head shaved, especially after the talk about his mother. Well done and on my shelf. C.P

Hi, I like what I read so far. I will read more next time I log on.

Fabulous! I absolutely love your opening chapter. A great synopsis, a great premise and CRACKING writing! On my shelf most definitely
Sheila

Fabulous! I absolutely love your opening chapter. A great synopsis, a great premise and CRACKING writing! On my shelf most definitely
Sheila

Fabulous! I absolutely love your opening chapter. A great synopsis, a great premise and CRACKING writing! On my shelf most definitely
Sheila

J. D.,
I'm only up to Chapter 4, but I'm hooked. I'm only stopping because my little niece is tugging at my arm and asking me to read her a story.
You've edited the heck out of this manuscript, and it shows. It is smooth and compelling. I can't wait until storytime is over, so I can finish it.

On This Rock...

Love your title, BTW.

This promises to be an exploration of the nature of faith, something deeper than a mere thriller. It's fascinating for me (just finished reading The Secret Gospel of Mark, and The End of Faith.)

I've only read your first two chapters. As a result, I do have a suggestion for you which has nothing to do with the actual writing, but relates to structure. I think c.2 could be much stronger if you do some scene sculpting. For me, there wasn't a clear arc to the scene, which interrupted the narrative flow. Remember that this is my personal reaction. Jack W. Bickham's book, Scene and Structure, explains how to structure a scene much better than I can. I re-read it from time to time, especially when I can feel that a particular scene isn't quite there yet.

I'm shelving this because I believe you have an important message. Bravo for choosing the thriller genre to get your message out there.

Cheers,
Sheryl (would love your reactions to my novel, another thriller with a message...)

scary yet so readable! You must have authonomys biggest coward here in reading scary stuff..I cant cope with horror! yet there is no mistaking good writing and a great story. What a dreadful way for Pawlewski to gogo...liked your pitch too. Im going to shelf this..sorry it took me so long to read! apologies...well done!

Simon,
Holy crap. Deacon makes Hannibal Lector look nice. Quite possibly the best drawn, most vile villian I've ever seen. Evil incarnate. This is just downright scary. You've backed off a bit in chapter two to get us started, a nice ebb and flow of tension. Dread and chilling terror, reminiscent of Dan Brown's work.
On my shelf.
Jeff

Hi Simon

I liked you pitch, WL'ed and now stopped by to read, and I am not disappointed. I am reading this not for religious views (to see if you are a heretic or not, ha ha) but to see how you tweak the subject into a grand mystery. Yes, I read Dan Brown! I believe you have succeeded. I have only read the first 4 and at the end of it realise there are already 4 threads...and I am intrigued to find out where they connect and how.

That deserves shelf space!

All the best
Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Simon,

I read three chapters of "On This Rock" and it's very well written; good dialogue, characters and a great story, however If you are basing this story on The Gospel of Thomas, you must know that no Christian group (that I know of) accepts it as canonical or authoritative and you will (possibly) lose a lot of readers by the second chapter and also this Hesukha Tab if he is suppossed to be the Devil you might have lost me because I know the Devil and he is much more slippery and skilled than any ONE form of a man coming back to this earth; you see brother, he is here already, now, everywhere, in every war, in every church, in every ghetto, in every barroom, in every jailcell and prison, in every stockboard meeting, on Wallstreet, Main Street, business meeting, family meeting and at every meeting of any kind, any group of Human Beings will be cursed with his presence, by his lying, scowling masks and arguements to do just as HE says --- so are we doomed then? No, just the opposite, because we also have the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, and through the power of the Holy Spirit we can feel his presence --- indeed --- we can see him --- whenever we look for him --- in the face of a child --- in the face of one Human Being helping another --- in the shining sun and beautiful landscape of mountains and lakes and oceans and the kind acts when one Human Being gives freely of his time and/or possessions and in the acts of courage when one, or more, Human Beings giving their life to save another's --- yes and it is also well known that many things in this life remain a mystery, just as God has meant them to be and one of them is the Devil and his identity and return, so if this is your intent than I say this to you: There are two great tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire; the other is to get it. I will put your story 'on This Rock' on my shelf and hope that you have it written truely the way that you want because it IS VERY good writing; which always backs itself; for me anyway.

Kind Regards,

Keith G.

Hi Simon, I like your thinking behind this story, you certainly got me wondering. I was pretty much hooked from the beginning, I like books with a religious theme and this did not disappoint. There is an atmosphere to this book, a creepiness almost. Although a subject well covered, your writing is fresh and appealing, bringing a new dimension to the topic. I want to read on so this is on my revolving shelf, good stuff!
Bestss,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

UnFRIGGINbelievable!!!

Seriously, not only does this start out with some guy in an antiques shop naked!!!! He's bound up and being interrogated by some very intimidating guy who wants a piece of parchment from Biblical days! And then the entire story goes in flash as my eyes absorb all the words and I get sucked into the awesomeness that you've written!!!

Shelved!
Rachel May

Going Twice

On This Rock

Hi Simon,

Simply brilliant Simon, I'm not in for gratuitously nice comments in the hope of a rebound backing anyway, thought I'd say that at the outset because you might end up blushing here. Fantastic tension, really very chilling scene which you did effortlessly, I forgot I was reading an unpublished writer, the terror was implied as much as actual (although you did offer us some actual as well, those slippery intestines yuck) - so well done, but not overdone.

I read the first chapter, Deacon is a chilling so and so, a Damien for the 21st century if ever I read one. So much better written than the Da Vinci code but appealing to this same world-wide audience. My only slight concern is the genre you are exploring has been over-exposed by the Omen movies (how many of them were there in the end) and the Da Vinci copies, but I sense strongly that you will take this in a new and exciting and refreshing dimension, thank you for posting, completely enjoyed, backing this well done, this must reach the Editor's Desk at some point otherwise Authonomy doesn't have the credentials it touts. Best wishes and best of luck - Andrew W.

I was hooked by the pitch and opening paragraphs, exactly what would happen if I was browsing through the shelves of a book store. I have watchlisted your book and added it to my bed time reading pile.

What can I say. You have me. Great story. I felt so many emotions while reading this. Backed.

RIVETING and delightfully gruesome Chapter 1! Shades of Anne Rice... who I can't read for the bad dreams. Your prose lives up to your rhetoric on the Forum! Happy to back and call you a friend. Such a pleasure to read briskly without stumbling over excessive adverbs, typos and hyperbole. Love the hook... the "monk or the psychologist..." who couldn't read on and find out what happens with this????

Moving on to Chapter 2...
Aloha,
T
Hawaiian Orchid (and Im no fluffy comment whore)

A riveting if gruesome opening, Simon. Some of the horror carries over to Chapter 2, but now we also have a fascinating theological discussion. I found the end of this chapter even spookier than the gory stuff in 1. It's an intiguing plot, the characters are developing nicely, and you make clear, fresh use of language aside from a very occasional moment (see below).

Some favourite phrases/moments: "plucking at the strings of his memory". "an exercise in lateral thought". "A warm breath played on his ear". "hope bleed from his eyes". "The letter lay in front of him like a curse". "away from the source of his anxiety". "the great chameleon". "Darkness Returns".

Possible tweaks: "..... for the moment" (stick to 3 dots). "let his head drop down" (omit 'down'). "Moments dragged into what seemed like hours" (I'd rephrase to something less familiar). Tears came unbidden' (omit 'unbidden'). "Christians?' asked Benedict." (you don't need 'asked Benedict' - there are a few other places where you could lose the dialogue tags - and people don't often use the other person's name when they're talking to them, or so I'm told).

Great stuff - I'll be bookshelfing this. No need to return the read as I've done the ED thing :o)

Yeah. Tiny quibbles when I think you tell and descend into melodrama: "his shoulders sagged, resignation and hoplessness etched his voice." I mean...whose point of view is that?

Miles better though and good stuff. Will shelve, I think.

Hi Simon. Your writing has everything I love. Intrigue. Antiques. Spirituality. Passion. Oh, and you put it all together compactly, yet in a unique manner. This I would read, and never put down no matter how much my family begged. I placed your excerpt on my shelf and wish you great success. Janet Marie

Very well written with tension mounting nicely. Should something be introduced early on to differentiate it from the Da Vinci Code etc? Bookshop page-turners may be put off unless you can offer something different. Perhaps either the dealer or the assassin could study a case of artefacts and sneeringly refer to such a book as being nothing compared to the secret he held? Definitely worth shelving. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Simon:
I've just finished chapter one. Wow! Talk about tension. The story starts off fast-paced and doesn't loose momentum. The chapter ends leaving the reader curious to continue. I will certainly keep reading and as soon as I free up some space, I'll be sure to shelf this! Good luck in the rankings!
-Mandy

Hi Simon, glad to take a look at chapter one. A very well crafted opening, building the tension nicely. I liked the fact that the despair Deacon describes belongs to us as well as his victim; we don't want Pawlewski to die, and we realise at the same time he does that he's not going to get out of the chair. There's a nice element of mystery laid in the first chapter - the fragment of the Gospel, that hint of Da Vinci code type secrets which the public will buy in great quantities. You've introduced a cruel villain and even hinted at a Boss, someone even worse than him. It's great stuff, well put-together and tense. A great opening chapter and a good narrative drive. Happy to shelve and recommend.

All the best

P

Hi Simon,

This is well crafted and scary. I am such a girl I had to stop reading it. The devil (and robots) scare me too much to read any more.

Shelved for the depth and skill of your writing and for the fact that it was scary enough to .. well, scare me.

Kat

This is the type of book I love to pick up and read while on a plane or sitting by the pool. It's fast paced and fun and it's better than most I pick up. You hooked me from the first chapter. The mystery as to what was going to happen next. In the second chapter you showed why Thomas' Gospel was important to the story. In the third chapter we meet a flat professor Black, which is fine, not all character have to be round and in this case it's better, considering his fate. And in chapter 4 we meet Nell, who seems to be rounder. All and all you have an enjoyable story here - one I would buy if it were in the stores. Well done - worthy of a backing.

Hi Simon! I discovered when I brought up OTR that actually it's one of the books that's been sitting on my watchlist for ages -- well, I'm glad to bump it on the queue ;-) ! I ended up reading the full excerpt because I was enjoying myself; an unfortunate side effect of my enjoying myself is that I didn't make a copy-editing list, but typos were fairly infrequent anyway (the only jarring thing others have probably mentioned: the font changes in chapter 4, which isn't a typo, I suppose...). OKAY! So when we're dealing with A Big Theological Issue in a thriller context with long-hidden information, you know you're going to be stuck with Dan Brown comparisons. Generally, I think, this will work in your favor: can't argue with Mr. Brown's popularity or success! But OTR is, nevertheless, a very different kind of book, in that while we're fighting over the interpretation of religious material, the stakes are amped up in a very clear way: the dark forces here have supernatural ability. And the supernatural ability on the GOOD side is either rather amoral and unpredictable (in Nell's case) or else...ill-defined and on a sudden SABBATICAL (in Dominic's case -- wherever Dominic is, I'm not so wholly certain that he's a-comin' back...). And because the dark forces here are mobilized towards a clear, direct goal, we see that this interpretation has an immediate, concrete, and very, very dangerous application. So we're not just fighting people/things who are trying to (uncover? recover? not sure yet) evidence for or against a powerful interpretation -- not just fighting for the lives of characters caught up in the drama. The interpretation itself, here, is a critical player in the action. Well, I could go on with other compare/contrasts than on this single point, but that's no way to spend one's time! Just a nod to it. And it's worth mentioning that I really *don't* like Dan Brown (apologies to his enthusiasts, of whom I know there are many), and I really *do* like OTR!

When I read a thriller novel, I expect to find either a pretty small cast of characters (action-oriented) or a quite broad one (suspense-oriented). Horror makes me expect more characters. OTR supplies them, and a nice range. Their background and foibles are sketched out efficiently, and all that "getting to know you" stuff felt worked in pretty seamlessly with the sorts of thoughts the characters would naturally have in their circumstances. While Nell has her (meaningful) struggles, it's Becky who seems the most clearly out of her depth, and adds a wild-card factor that I really enjoyed. She's starting out as a bit of a callow tart, even if we do find out that she's actually been faithful -- SHE is the only character whose involvement in the story is unambiguously nothing but personal. She has no connection to the supernatural. She has no investment in theological debate. It's not her job to investigate murder. So she provides what I think will turn out to be an interesting note of, well, anxiety (she is SO out of her depth and doesn't even know), but also perspective on both the physical crimes and the REAL issues at stake (once she starts getting clued into them). We've spent the most time with MacAvoy so far, and his faults are laid pretty bare along with a fundamental hard-headed pragmatism that gives him a basic HONESTY (which makes him likable to me, despite everything), but my primary emotional investment remains with Benedict. Benedict is the one who's sitting on the crux of the religious/philosophical problem. Plus, how can you not like him ;-) ?

I saw on your author page that the first three chapters are the only ones you'd reworked substantially, so you may want to hit me on the head for saying that these are the chapters with which I have the most quibbles. HA! Okay, the only thing that really stood out for me in the LATTER part of the excerpt was MacAvoy's stone-cold shock when he saw Black on the stretcher. M. already knew that the murder had taken place in Black's lab; while he might plausibly be surprised that Black himself was involved in the murder, his reaction right now feels like, "Wait -- I've seen this guy on television!" But he'd been thinking about Black (and snarking about him) just minutes before. This is an easy fix -- a quick mention that MacAvoy is startled as all get-out that it's Black HIMSELF. (The reader is of course suffering a double-whammy in that...huh, Black's the LIVING one???)

Jan's murder chapter had things in it that I loved (the depth added by J.'s reflections on the Holocaust and the discovery that while we're being all sympathetic with him, he's a bit of a two-faced criminal himself; and setting Deacon's agenda and NATURE) and also a couple elements that felt a little choppy for me. One is minor. When Deacon finally moves into view, Jan sizes up his clothes -- fair enough, of course he wants to "type" the guy and can't help doing so. But there is NO MENTION of Deacon's face. And I can't help thinking that high on Jan's agenda is going to be looking at the guy's eyes. That's where we read intention. And that's what Jan is most invested in finding out just at that moment. The second quibble I have here is that I felt Deacon went on TOO LONG. I don't think you're trusting the reader enough here. We know from psychopaths. We know from soulless monsters. And, if that weren't enough, Jan is even THINKING about the difference between the two! Yes, Deacon likes to play with his food, this is true. But I started to get a little impatient with Deacon's gloating and game-playing -- I think that less would make the same point, possibly even more dramatically, and would pick up the pace at the cost of nothing but what is fundamentally repetition. Get me to those glistening bowels faster ;-) !!!

The chapter where Benedict lays out "the problem" to Dan is necessary exposition, and I think it's a good idea to have it in dialogue rather than B. just wrestling with his own thoughts (and that creepy letter). But Dan came across to me as distractingly naive for a university student. Only later in the conversation does Benedict refer to him (in his thoughts) as a zealot, which of course takes the edge off this -- but I think it would've spared me some confusion earlier on and given Dan less of a "mouthpiece" quality if B. spared a thought or two to the difficulty that his pet student had in reconciling the absolutism of his faith with the inquiry of scholarship (this being, as Benedict reflects later, a path that seems to lead away from the goal but in fact returns to it -- a trait shared with MANY of the ideas that fill Benedict's mind -- the question really being why it is necessary to follow that circle rather than just stay put! Because it is our nature ;-) ?).

Anyway, such are some thoughts -- I hope they're of some use! And I'm delighted I finally got around to reading this; I enjoyed it enormously, and it's a book I'd buy. So there. Best of luck!!!

greta start.

"lemotional, ike a corpse was speaking" - made me stop. i like it but i wondered of corpses would speak unemotionally.. maybe just underline that it's his idea of what a corpse would speak like maybe?

"the cruelty hidden in the soft emphasis" - does the soft emphasis hide thew cruelty?? is the guy hiding his cruelty or in fact underlining it, revelling in it?

pawlewski was in trouble - etc - i thin that's stating the obiovus at this point, don't you?

the auschwitz reminiscence.. he's doing a lot of thinking for a man virtually in extremis.. would he really dwell so long dissecting his parents' psychology at this point? separately, chucking in auschwitz here feels a bit like special pleading (my own family experienced some concentration camp action so i do not speak of it lightly - but they were by no means as broken by it as his parents seem to have been)

ok, the killing is nasty, you spring that one on us v well i think.

the knife handed down generations is a nice touch.

the telling about the organisations resource - i'd cut it out here, i'm sure it'll come out in the story, soon enough. in this bit i'd just focus on deacon and what he's up to, not the organisation.

the end of the chapter is great, setting up the next one. (i'm on ch 1 by the way)

i'm wling this, will read on and comment further. reciprocate if you have the time - i'd really welcome your insight.

cheers,

freddie

Hi Simon, a fine sense of chill here, particularly towards the end after the killing of P. - Effective building of atmosphere.
A few minor glitches for me in the earlier section - P almost 'sobbing' right at the outset/ 'curdled P's soul' both jarred a little - and lessened the impact of him crying towards the end.
The section 'With a jolt he realised...take up residence..' seemed to me to be more 'tell' than 'show' and therefore imo was more the author than the character.
I'm assuming that D. is an emissary of the devil - and I'm nicely set up to have sympathy for the other characters that are going to b his target. So an effective 'hook' to make me want to carry on.
Popping you on my shelf for a bit,
Good luck with this,
Margaret (Munro's Choice) - would value your feedback.

The opening was riveting. The writing is very confident. Really, the only detraction is that you do a lot of telling BUT you "tell well" so tell all you want! I've addressed this in a prior email and won't belabor here. Also, be careful of the word "smile" (12 occurrences in chapter 3 alone). I have to watch this as well.

Also, I assume DEACON is the devil so his hatred for people in general and "God's chosen people" (the Jews) in particular is certainly motivated. Still, I recommend having a few Jewish people read that first chapter to make sure it's not offensive.

Anyway, all this to say BRILLIANT and SHELVED!

Hello Simon,

Gripping begining. Excellent descriptions of the voice and laugh. Very tense.

It's on my WL till I get a space on my shelf.

Joanna

I love this sort of stuff- high level fantasy mixed in with the mundane, everyday aspects of life. your dialogue is crackly, you paint your scenes well, the pacing is slightly drawn out by my lights but I chalk that up to stylistic differences. I'm backing this book because, on a rainy day like this, if I was a library or a bookstore, it's very likely I'd take it home with me.

Good work.

Simon, thoughts during reading Chapter 1.

Good first line!

"That was it." Since it's italics I'm guessing it's his thoughts. In that case, it's in the present but recalling the past so... I think it should be "That IS it." or better still That's it". "That was it" doesn't sound right to me.


"hand to scratch it". I KNOW you mean his forehead, but it could be construed as his hand being itchy. Reword?

"Cable grips (firmly) bound him..."

"...the steel edge of authority." Maybe better: "an authoritive steel edge"?

"cruelty hidden" Probably not hidden if he heard it. Maybe "cruelty veiled" or some such?

"It sounded to Pawlewski..." We're in his POV already. Just "It sounded like...'

"utterly devoid" Lose the utterly. Devoid tells us no humour at all is present.

The paragraph beginning "He thought of his own parents..." is very well written, but it doesn't belong here. If you're tied up by what sounds like a madman, you are not going to be thinking of that. If you need to keep it, pare it down to give us the nitty gritty. The poetic parts "leaving a bitter stain" are not something someone in this position is going to be thinking of (unless they are a poet!) The more I think about it, the more I think you should keep this for later insertion, because it's too good to delete - it just doesn't fit here INMSHO.

"...head was just beside his..." Leave out the just. Along with that, it is often one of the evil words, filling up your text with unnecessary clutter.

"The first thing he noticed was how well dressed he was." Again let's be clear who is who. I know who you mean, but...

OK, the second half worked better for me. No problems there.

Conclusion. This is a good opening. It feels a TOUCH overwritten, maybe an adjective/adverb or two too much in every sentence. Have a look. You could certainly lose a few words to add clarity and pace. I have no problem with the details or the dialogue, such as I've read, just the execution. As for that, it doesn't need much tinkering: it's more a case of taking out rather than adding in. The bit about the Holocaust reminisces, for instance, isn't needed. All you really need to do is have Deacon mention the Holocaust, and point out that Pawlewski is a Jew whose parents were in Auschwitz - our imagination will fill in or try to the full extent of the horror. Only someone in that position could possibly convey it anyway.

Best wishes with this. Take everything with the proverbial grain of salt. I'll keep you watchlisted with a view to further reading when I can.

Regards,

TomW

Simon, I've read throuh the end of ch 3, and I really like it! I like the characters and how they each have differing perspectives on mysticism, and the way they are interwoven into one story- with the dark 'devil' character looming in the background. OOOO, chilling. Exciting. Will be reading more. Shelving!

Do you have to have the prologue? I feel I’ve encountered its vague portentous doomyness many times before on this site. (This isn’t my genre, and maybe aficionados would love it.) My attention was grabbed when I got to Jan’s predicament.

But then it all became so nasty I stopped reading, shortly after Jan’s death. Just not my thing, so forgive this inadequate comment. I only leave it as you said to do so.

[‘Body wracked with pain’ – ‘racked’ comes from the torture rack, and has no ‘w’.]

I made it to the end of Chapter 3, which is farther than I get with most of the books on this site.

This is by no means my genre: I'm a lifelong atheist, so anything involving Jesus makes me roll my eyes. This is why I'm putting you on my shelf for (what will probably be a brief) a stay -- your writing is good enough that it encouraged me to see what the story was going to be about instead of turning right off. You've got a generally good style and sense of pacing, and if I were the sort of person who liked these sort of uncover-the-mystery-of-the-New-Testament novels, I'd probably buy/borrow/read it.

My biggest criticism is of your serious overuse of what the academic geek in me calls "style indirect libre," that is, the narration's descent into the feelings and inner thoughts of each character. A little of this goes a real long way. Consider Chapter 2, about the monk. You give way, way too much detail about his inner thoughts and problems -- much of this could be simply cut away, and what's necessary to retain shifted to dialogue. Have *Dan* comment on his mentor's messy office and concomitant ability to find any given paper in the stack, rather than keeping it in narrative. I can deal with most of the rest of the chapter being basic info-dump -- I certainly had no idea what the gospel of Thomas was, nor how it differed from the others (nor do I care, but that's not the point here) so I didn't mind the re-cap nature of the conversation. But the too much background and character building through narrative started to get to me. "Show, don't tell" is a cliche, but there's a lot of truth to it: ask yourself how much background on Black, for example, is really necessary, and get rid of what isn't.

Hi Simon. I came to this because your pitch drew me in. It's a terrific pitch, full of suspense and implied menace. The opening paras of your prologue were, for me, a little too vague. The style was rather overwritten, I thought, almost like you were trying too hard. Setting the scene is fine and you did that well, but sometimes it felt like you were emphasising it a bit too much. I also noticed both Yohannon and Yohannan.
Ch 1 was better, and it was good to get into some action. Pawlewski's terror came over well. I confess that I found some of the philosophising a bit overdone, but that's just me. I prefer straight, plain speaking. Ch 2 was much more my kind of thing, and Ben's worry over the letter and the way it was signed was nicely understated. The dialogue between Ben and Dan also felt very natural.
A few specifics I noted:
Prologue, 'his words would be *the* final thread'?
Ch 1. 'I wouldn't do that, either, Mr Pawlewski.' You don't need the comma after *that*.
Likewise, 'best interests to remain calm, ... for the moment.' No comma after *calm*
Commas were a bit of an issue, there were many areas where you could cut them.
'Best just to give him what he wanted, the less he knew, the better.' Use of pronoun, give *his captor* what he wanted?
'Slender hands reached out and clasped the dealer's.' You have stepped out of Pawlewski's POV, he wouldn't think of himself as 'the dealer'.
'Pawlewski's focus snapped immediately back to Deacon.' You have not yet named Deacon. Then Pawlewski says, 'Who are you?'
The writing when we are in Deacon's POV is great, much tighter.
Ch 2. 'Garbled reflection?' Garbled usually relates to speech. *Scrambled* reflection?
'He'd get there in the end, knew Benedict..' Benedict knew?
These nit-picks apart, Simon, this shows all the potential to be a great religious/drama/mystery novel. I'll put it on my shelf for a bit.
I would appreciate your views on King's Envoy when you have time.
Cheers, Cas.

Dear Simon,

Something funny going on with Authonomy software.

People who say they backed me......but it was never recorded .

I have no idea whether you backed me or not, but if you did, would you mind doing it again for sixty seconds. Then it can come off the shelf, because the dee is done.

Thanks.

Pierre.

It's taken me a while to get back to On This Rock, but this time I read right through to Ch 12. I wouldn't be your target market ( I avoid horror, if I can) but while I still found your first two chapters fascinating, I did wonder about the idea-heavy intro. I even wondered if you could swap Ch3 for 2. ( IMO the story really took off in Ch 3.)
The pacing (Ben & Dan conversation) was so slow I wonder if you'd lose some of your readers, hence my thought of swapping 3 & 2. Also, you have a tendency to drop into straight narrative, particularly backstory, again interrupting the flow of the story. I noted backstory on mediums (Ch 6) Taize, then the Gospels (Ch 7) etc. Again, this could just be a personal/critical reaction. I enjoyed the variety of story threads & the characters were convincing. I'd be keen to read more.

Hi Simon, thanks for all your support for IY. I have read the prologue and the first chapter of this. First off - great plot - a Da Vinci Code rip off, but then that was a rip off, so there's nothing wrong with (and in fact very market savy of you) coming up with a sufficiently similar idea to pull in those readers. Prologues??? i know i sound like a sheep here, but generally i am not a fan of the cryptic 'future' prologue, and it did switch me off a bit, whereas the start of chapter one was tight, compelling and intriguing. For me the best prologues are the ones that use a devise such as a letter or news article or an unusual POV (two of my fave prologues are one on YWO where it is written from a cat's perspective of finding a dead body, and on here "in it for the holidays' which is done is second person.) Anyway i wont go on about it, it is your book and i am sure you have very good reasons for it.

In terms of chapter one - the only thing i would think about editing out is all the questions - as i reader i can come up with my own - use them very sparingly, and 'tell' particularly in relation to Deacon - Jan tells me how to interpret him (just before he is stabbed), but the action and the non-verbals give me all the info i need.

I am not planning on shelving this as yet - however i do think it is is cracking premise and has commercial potential. If you do any rewrites, give me a shout and i'll come back to read.

This is a great piece of writing. The dialogue is tight. The description just about perfect. The prologue was beautiful while the first chapter was haunting.

Great work. Looking forward to getting back here and reading more when I have sometime.

-Chris
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=4441

Hi Simon,

Nice prologue, in disguise as the first part of chapter one. In fact, if you took the word “PROLOGUE” off the top you’d increase your chances of it being read by those people who refuse to read them. And there ARE people like that, believe me!

For that matter, perhaps even remove “CHAPTER ONE” to play it down even further. Even if only on this website. You can always reinstate it for the final published novel.

Now I did feel a little bit like, after two good tension-building paragraphs, the olive flashback was a little drawn out. It’s like, if you summarised each paragraph in a word or two, you’d get:

Para 1. TENSION BUILDING

Para 2. TENSION BUILDING

Para 3. WALLS FADE TO FLASHBACK

Para 4. FLASHBACK FADES TO WALLS

Para 5. TENSION BUILDING

It feels a little like an interruption in the flow, one that could be condensed into just one paragraph and feel better for it. Wouldn’t undermine that tension.

On to something else. There’s one looooooong paragraph “The man’s laugh stopped him short…” that, if you just press Enter after “…raping the foundation of trust upon which all else is built.”… would look and read much better.

Beware of asking too many questions. I had this myself in earlier drafts of my book, entire paragraphs full of “Where was I? Why couldn’t I move? There was a pain at the base of my skull, what was it? Why was I never rid of it? What do I want for lunch tomorrow? Why am I wearing odd socks? What is the President’s middle name?”

The readers themselves should be asking questions in their own mind, and the protagonists should only ever ask enough to help to guide the reader through their train of thought. Help them to relate. If you ask too many then the readers will stop asking their own, expecting to have the key questions asked for them in the narrative. Their brains will switch off without having to think and ultimately they’ll lose that urge to keep reading.

With that in mind, the whole line starting “Some brutal father, perhaps…” and also “Was there something he could offer the man?” are questions you don’t need. I’d try pulling them and see if you agree with me, tighten the book up a little.

Anyway, plotwise, VERY nice interrogation and murder scene, with a lovely twist in the change of perspective. I like it.

“Acid free sheets”? “Acid-free sheets”? “Acid free-sheets”? Not sure what there are, let alone where a hyphen would go.

In chapter two paragraphs are noticeably longer, and a little erratic. First long, then short, then long. That’s fine so long as you understand your pace is going to feel like a rollercoaster. But unless you meant that to happen, I’d look into making more, shorten ones.

Also I forgot to mention you started a paragraph with ‘but’. Fine in dialogue but a taboo otherwise.
“BUT it was the voice that hit him like a hammer blow…”

…though I’ll add you only seem to have done it the one time. (and also in the synopsis tsk tsk)

Chapter three now. Paragraphs are more uniform in length (which looks much better). I still think the first paragraph is too long through. One single paragraph tells us all this:

It’s morning. It’s October. We’re following a man called Gary Black. He’s a magician. He’s a professor. He’s on a university campus on East Anglia. He’s offering an award to find someone psychic. He isn’t hopeful it will work.

It’s a lot of information for the reader to absorb in one chunk, especially the first chunk of the chapter. And they’ll either read it very slowly, miss information out, or (worse) have to read it more than once.

If you just press enter before “In the 14 years” things will read much better. Think of “The Weakest Link”. The mind gathers all the info in a paragraph together but doesn’t shout “Bank!” until the end.

“de-bunking” … “debunking”?

The only other thing I’ll say is that I’m one of those people who, for a love of words, prefers to leave numbers out of the equation as much as possible. Which is to say “Um, Prof, unless it’s been on Radio 1 at 7 in the morning…” would look better as “Um, Prof, unless it’s been on Radio One at seven in the morning…” and always will. You do this every now at again. “In the 14 years since he’d offered the Black Prize…” “…number 19 bus.”

There are exceptions of course, such as the combination to the safe. We don’t care what the numbers are, just that there are lots of them. Also addresses: 24 Alders Road.

And I’m glad you explain ASBOs for the non-Brits.

Anyway that’s enough for now. I’ll shelve you of course. It would be rude not to. Hope you enjoyed your crit!

Chris

Simon,
saw an interesting thread of yours so I've stopped by to have a look at On This Rock.
First off - excellent pitch, one of the best I've seen on here recently. Really makes you want to read on, rather than as a 'duty' as it sometimes feels with books on authonomy.
Having now read three chapters I'll confidently state that if Dan Brown had written this people would be saying that the story looked like living up to his past efforts, but that his writing style had improved!
Cheers,
Another Simon

I struggled to get into this, I'm afraid to say, although it did get more approachable as we got into ch2.

Your style is very visual, you write as if describing scenes from a film, but I think you have a tendency to over-write a bit. My main problem was a little looseness with language, aimed at effect rather than grammatical correctness or relevance. Gawd, that sounds awful, but I can explain it better with examples:

"single meagre lamp" - lamp by definition is singular, so would that not read better and more cleanly as "meagre lamp"?

"struck like circling hawks" - if they're circling, they're can't be striking at the same time. It sounds great, but doesn't actually make much sense (I do this too, you are not alone in loving the way a phrase sounds regardless of whether it means anything). How about "struck like stooping hawks"?

The final lines of the prologue also waved a flag at me.

"flawless Aramaic" - Why is it important that we know his Aramaic is flawless? If it was the lingua franca of Yohannon's time, he should be fluent. In a similar vein, if this Didymus fragment relates to the Gospel of Thomas found at Nag Hammadi I thought it was a Coptic manuscript? I'm guessing it does, as that Gospel may date from as early as 60AD - which would just about fit in with Yohannon being the last one alive with the authority to write what he is going to write. Didymus is a Greek word - would Yohannon have known it, or are you seeding it there deliberately for the benefit of the reader?

Okay, so far I'm intrigued. Historical mysteries, last surviving contemporary of Jesus, but is he writing an accurate history, or setting up a deception (from your use of "myth", "fragments of the truth" etc).

So we go into Ch1, new point of view. I could do with a feel of time and place, by the way, we could be anywhere in the world from Prague to Philadelphia. Must be fairly modern if the captor is using cable-ties.

When Jan first wakes up, this waved another flag at me. He is very coherent very quickly, which is unlikely if he has been in some way drugged. I'm assuming that's how he's ended up where he is, since I didn't catch any clues.

"Escape was futile" - do you mean escape was impossible, or attempting to escape was futile? At the minute it's saying neither (that looseness again).

I also think you could trim down on the philosophising and identifying with his captor - if I'd just woken up naked and tied to a chair I would be in no position to empathise with the bastard responsible. I would be frightened, panicky, and anxious to get the hell out of my predicament. Does the reader need to know all the backstory of Jan's parents and Auschwitz? I could see how his Jewishness might be relevant to story, but not the Holocaust. You're spending quite a lot of time fleshing out a character who's about to be disembowelled.

As for the disembowelling itself, I think you'd be surprised how little of one's internal organs would spill out without a good firm tug or tipping Jan's chair forward. Even slit vertically, the abominal wall would be strong enough to keep most everything inside. Slit horizontally, as in seppuku, you would be more likely to have stuff flopping about.

Oh, and what was the purpose of slicing into Jan's wrist far enough to cut the nerves (wouldn't that prevent him making a fist?), because it seems gratuitous. I've got nothing against blood and gore, if it has a purpose.

I'm in two minds about introducing Jan in such depth just to have Deacon kill him. You then switch into Deacon's point of view anyway - why not use it all the way through?

You can certainly write with brio and confidence, you seem to know your subject and you've avoided Dan Brown-itis by not lecturing the reader. You're also not afraid to show off a bit with language - some of your turns of phrase are masterful - but I did struggle to stay engaged with the story. I feel it needs an edit, but it's dramatic stuff and if I had a bit more time I would like to read further and see if some of the flags that were waved at me get their questions answered. Good luck! All the best, Ellie.

I am going to put this on my shelf because I think you have managed to do exactly what you set out to. What I have read is well written, fast paced and sufficiently interesting (mysterious) to attract a reader looking for this kind of book. I am not sure that I am really qualified to make much more of a comment, this kind of book being outside of my normal reading material. It reminded me, in a good way, of certain successful writers in the genre, and that can't be a bad thing. I wish you all the best with this.

Nice opening. In a mere few sentences you set an entire stage. betrayal, final act, he the last one. Of course, I don't like the main char to be a liar, one that plans to betray, but I still read on.

Man, you really know how to set a stage, a mood. I like it.

And then just as I'm about to complain about the change in scene of Chap 1 (not ready to let go of the prologue yet), you start down another, quite interesting journey.

I don't think the dialog matches the description. A voice that is 'unemotional, like a corpse' does not waste words, does it? "I wouldn't do that, if I were you" (as well as the subsequent dialogue) intimates that the voice is conversational. So the description doesn't match.

You spend a lot of time with the MC feeling sorry for the captor. I can't imagine, if I were captive, worrying so much so soon. maybe after several hours, and more interaction, during dull moments of captivity. But not within seconds of waking up? I know you want to make a point with this digression, and I get it, but I don't see this as the right place.

And why would the MC first equate the captor to his history of victimization, rather than placing him as the oppressor? But then you know better than I.

I've decided that I like the dialogue of the captor, so back to my earlier comment: I suggest changing the description of the voice. 'Unemotional, like a corpse' just doesn't fit. Maybe 'casual, too casual for the moment' or something like that.

Great ending to Chapter 1. Makes me HAVE to read on.

The religous turn is interesting - but I have to admit tough to follow on-line, much better in print. I find myself glossing for the next piece of action. Don't change anything because of this comment - I just wanted to share, in case I miss anything you have wanted caught.

Oh geez, I just caught the reference back to the prologue. Duh. Should have known that earlier. Interesting, interesting take. Dan Brown-ish, but much more intellectual, and better written. Maybe not quite as commercially viable though, but maybe so. I've got some of the same feelings about the bible, but not enough to have written a story like this.

I really, really wish I had this in print. Its tough doing this on-line. I'll try to come back another time for a long, slow read. Until then, I can at least give you my backing.

Dave