Solian Chronicles: Pluto Genesis

Hello

This is a well-written piece. The descriptions are thorough and gives a image of the world you are creating. The pacing and flow are perfect and it is obvious you have done your homework with the research. I plan on backing the story when I have space on my bookshelf.

Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Read all 40 and can see the Rodenberry influence all the way through.
nice referencing and use of names throught. not too techie but sciency enough to retain interest.
well written and kept my interest all the way through.

A nice, descriptive, well constructed and well written polished book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Wow you really know your stuff. Its constructed well and polished up very proffessionally. It is such an exciting story and Yu-na is a great character- very intriguing.
Some of the science baffled me a little at first me, but it created a balanced picture in my mind of the day to day routine and the work at the communication rely-station.
Overall a well written book which is bound to do well.
Sci fi at its best.
Junetee(Four Corners)

This is a very intriguing plot with great dialogue. Your writing style is captivating to the reader, and it the plot flows as it thickens; drawing the reader in. I believe you have a very solid book here with great potential for sales. Some editing would smooth out the rough spots, but basically you have a book ready to be picked up. Solian Chronicles may well be a mini-series someday. I wish you all the luck with your work.

Hello

I love the flow of this story, the structure is solid and easy to read. I enjoyed the detail, it shows the picture so vividly. Keep up the good write. I have room on my bookshelf and will be happy to place you there as I want to continue with the other chapters.

The main characters are in place, point of conflict set and a good over all introduction to the theme in the first chapter. I added to my bookshelf to read the rest.

Hi directed to your book by your friend, I have really enjoyed the first three chapters. You have managed to combine a realist story in to a sci fi novel with expert success I feel you have a real winner and have highly stared you. All the best Karen, Faking it in France.

Very interesting read. Well written, believable universe without being over techie. Imaging detailed with good flow between chapters and interesting characters. Definitely a must to read.

well written story that would have wide appeal and interest

Extremely well written, fiction though, very informative, inntriguing and science orientated.
A large manuscript with full of through imagery. I have to read a devided sections at time due to its vast size.

Will make an uptodate best selling science fiction. 6 stars.

Hello

This is a well-written piece. The descriptions are thorough and gives a image of the world you are creating. The pacing and flow are perfect and it is obvious you have done your homework with the research. I plan on backing the story when I have space on my bookshelf.

Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Hi Mark,

Your friend, sung4m was so kind to back my book. He directed me to you and asked me to check out your book. So here I am with a quick review. Although I only read the prologue and chapter one, I got a good sense of your writing ability and what your story is going to be about.

Sometimes I tend to get lost when I am reading space books, but I found your story easy to follow and not jumbled up with lots of technical facts that tend to go over my head. It was easy to understand and I found myself totally engaged with what was going on. Of course, Yu-na’s ambitious character drives the scene. I thought it was interesting that you chose a woman to be commander of Pluto-Bravo. You must be a forward thinking kind of guy.

You have a wonderful imagination. A United Korea? Now that will be the day… and I also loved the idea of the United System Space Force.

You have nicely added tension to the scene with the introduction of Lieutenant Sansun. His yielding is indicative of Yu-na’s power and the reader has no doubt that she’ll be able to handle this new development of life in another world.

I was really impressed with your talent and if I had more time, I would definitely read this to the end. Six stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

P.S. I found a couple easy fixes to make:

“And they would do all they can (could) to keep this mission going.“

“Yu-na noticed that Lieutenant Sansun was always nervous around (her) after she put him in his place…”

smooth and professional writing style. well thought out. descriptive but not overtold....
j

Hi there, I just dropped in to check out your book. I only had time for the first 2 chapters today, and I thought CH1 was very good, informative but not too much information, the writing is smooth, he voices are good, and you kept the story moving forward at a good pace as well. CH2 was a bit more of an information dump. I think there was a lot of back story that wasn't really necessary. In my opinion it slowed down the pace. There were a few little things - Admiral Westing nearly fell out of his chair, but then he had to pick himself up off the floor - so maybe nearly is not necessary? I also found the sheer number of anacronyms hard to keep track of. I also think the vastness of the promotion Yu-na was granted based on the tiny bit of information she had seemed a bit of a stretch. He made her commander of what seemed like the whole galaxy in one paragraph for information that came almost by chance, she didn't have to do anything to really earn it.
Anyway, that is only my opinion. I think it is off to a good start, and has a lot of potential. I look forward to reading more to see how it develops.
Mindy
The Wishing Place

SF42 review -- based on 12 chapters.

Being a Trekkie, you know how susceptible I am to this kind of book ;) It is very engaging, absolutely believable, and intriguing.
This commentary will be based on the fact that I'm a woman, highly subjective, and with weird preferences. By no means should this be taken seriously :D

CH 1 - 3 and overall
Ok, I found the plot (as I've already mentioned) intriguing. You have great character development, I could instantly get the idea of who they were and what to expect. That brings me to the predictability. It is clear from initial description of Kyle that he will play an important role (as you do show later on), because you've made him into a Tom Cruise action hero stereotype -- highly capable, but problem with the authority, and I guess he will be forgiven for it all later on, because he will play a crucial role exactly because of his skills perhaps disregarding an order, but saving the day, proving Admiral was wrong to doubt him. Am I wrong?
From the very beginning, you give detailed description of the world they live in, so the reader can imagine it without a doubt, get the real look and feel of that era. What bothered my girlishness is so many sentences from chapter 1 to 3 that are describing one and the same thing, repeating over and over the things that were clear from the first time you mentioned them. Mainly, their search for ETs and it's impending end due to loss of interest, as well as technology. All those explanations could have been said in one chapter, because this way they make me as the reader lose interest and skim (especially through techy stuff and I am a geek who loves tech).
Consider changing the name "Enterprise" to something else not to be immediately compared to Star Trek... unless that's what you wanted in the first place.

CH 4
This is the part where my weird preferences come into play. It might have worked for 1980s SF, but in 21st century I expect aliens, being human or not, to have had different evolution than Earth. That means when you give them exactly the same military ranking as we have, it makes it less believable. Alien command hierarchy shouldn't be the same as ours, because rankings are subjective inventions specific to given civilization as a result of their particular evolution, their experience with combats and what worked best for them. Democracy is also human invention, so it feels odd to hear it in so called ET civilization. Maybe I'm a picky reader...

CH8 or 9 (not sure)
We already know Admiral Westings take on Kyle, no need to repeat it all over again. Just like ET search and tech I mentioned above. It's unnecessary and underestimates the reader.

That's it. I didn't find anything else that I could point out. If this were published work that I read on a Sunday night, I wouldn't have said anything but the praise. So consider my input as something that could make it even better for readers like me, but I must say I never represent the majority, so feel free to disregard everything I've said.
Cheers,
Barbara

Hi, I see you've listed the book as complete at 50K words. That is too short for Adult fiction - you'd need to add another 30-40K words to interest an agent or SF publisher.
50K is the size of a Young Adult novel, ie, target readership 13-16yr olds. However a YA Agent would reject it if it has an adult main character (ie, +18 yrs old).
Good luck.

The finished product of this novel will probably be around 80K since I know I need to add more "showing" of the story rather than "telling". However, if you look at the requirements of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America and their Nebula Award, the catagory for a novel is over 40K. The Nebula Award is the most prestigious award out there for Sci-Fi.

Hi, I see you've listed the book as complete at 50K words. That is too short for Adult fiction - you'd need to add another 30-40K words to interest an agent or SF publisher.
50K is the size of a Young Adult novel, ie, target readership 13-16yr olds. However a YA Agent would reject it if it has an adult main character (ie, +18 yrs old).
Good luck.

I liked this - You've obviously drawn from your professional experience in writing this book, as the narrative dealing with the goings on in the space force are very convincing. Another strong point is that you've obviously got a fully developed notion of the universe in which your chronicle operates, which is essential.

Nit picks - I think you could shorten the prologue's opening sentence, same goes for the first chapter - the sentence dealing with the admirals retirement could be snappier if you took out the admiral's age - e.g. "he was retiring at the year end after 30 years service."

In the sentence.."he graduated, he got Kyle.." you need to clarify which "he" is "he". I think you mean "when Kyle graduated, the Admiral got Kyle."

I do like scifi, so I will read on. Highly starred and on my watch list for backing when I reshuffle my shelf. Good job!

I am not too keen on this genre but I admire the construction and technical detail you have employed. I did have some difficulty in staying with the narrative. I needed to believe in and empathise with your characters more.

Solian Chronicles. This sounds an intriguing story - your short pitch builds a mystery, but I found the long one a bit bewildering. Maybe more of character and emotion, within a broader general theme to create human interest and draw the reader in?
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert. I tend to notice nits. Hope you dont mind.

Ch.1. A Prologue full of interesting facts, but perhaps rather heavy-going for the opening of a book in these racey times? The pluperfect tense doesnt help - all those 'had's.
Do you want nits?
There are certain unnecessary / vague words which could be searched and deleted, to improve the flow of a book: already, just, about, again, very, still, sudden, really, seemed to be, such, beginning to, always, around, almost.

And it is always wise to look out for repetitions too close together: conference, was, after, average (Ch.2) graduate, trouble, skills, sweet/ness.

Yu-na's excitement at Sansun's news is well shown - but I'm not sure I can warm to her character, which seems rather centred on herself and her ambitions.

You dont need to tell the reader twice that she'd been waiting for an hour.

Ch.2. All these acronyms confuse me, but the plot is advancing nicely, and a possible clash of personalities is in the offing.

Ch.3. We've already heard about Kyle, and it's good to meet him now.
I wonder if you could vary the means of imparting all your information. Maybe through dialogue, and through the thoughts of your characters as well as merely chronicling them? Thereby, the monotony of heavy blocks of writing scrolling down the screen might be eased.
I dont think you need repeat Kyle's demotion or his abilities, or his previous connection with Yu-na. And it would be great if you showed us the developing relationship between them.

But I acknowledge that you are treating these as chronicles rather than fiction, and it's your book!

I'd be really interested to read what you think of mine, which is very different.

Jane. (Breath of Africa).

Hi mark. I like the plot. The narrative could do with some editing, and you could perhaps spend a bit more time on setting the mood so the reader can feel the story to make it a bit more immersive.
Rgds
Rob

You have an interesting subject to explore. I've enjoyed reading the first three chapters and learning about the characters.

You have an interesting subject to explore. I've enjoyed reading the first three chapters and learning about the characters.

You have an interesting subject to explore. I've enjoyed reading the first three chapters and learning about the characters.

You sure know your subject very well. The reader can tell from the opener.
Your writings flows very , very well.
All of your terms are very well researched and portrayed.
Your story itself is quite different, but you make it an interesting read.
Good work and best wishes with this.

Shelby Z./ Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Good story. Keeps my attention. Reminds me of television sci-fi to some extent. Found a few typos, so you might want to give it another read through. (My co-author and I read our book over and over again for years then had someone find a few typos after on this site!) Excited to see it published. Keep up the great writing!

Permac

This reader is an original 'Star Trek' fan and when reading Solian was taken back all these years....and that's good.
Well done writer.
Starred maximum goldie brownie points.
Good luck with this...watch out pussy Lucas & Co...here comes MDWS77 with the future of SciFi
David

The writing and set-up are very strong on 'Solian Chronicles' and I agree with the previous mention of a Ray Bradbury-esqe style of writing. The dialogue is very clean and precise. If there was one critique to be made, it would be the repetitiveness of information in the prose. I counted about five individual mentions that Kyle was Yu-na's flight instructor within the first three chapters. Another repeated mention was that Kyle and Westwing didn't get along. This repetitiveness needlessly slows down the pacing. But other than that one critique, this is a very engaging novel, which would do well for Sci-Fi enthusiasts.

Highly scored and BACKED.

Michael Hebler - "Night of the Chupacabra"

Read all 40 and can see the Rodenberry influence all the way through.
nice referencing and use of names throught. not too techie but sciency enough to retain interest.
well written and kept my interest all the way through.

left this yesterday without adding my name!

d'oh
;)
diane

Read all 40 and can see the Rodenberry influence all the way through.
nice referencing and use of names throught. not too techie but sciency enough to retain interest.
well written and kept my interest all the way through.

Hi Mark,

Here are my comments on your book in return for a read and comment on mine from your friend Sung4m.

I’ve read through the first 6 chapters and then skimmed through a few more. There is a lot of potential in this book and you have a lovely writing style. I’ve noted below the things that struck me. They are, of course, just my opinion. Feel free to discard them if you disagree.


Ch 1 (Authonomy chapters)

Your Prologue

1) ‘One of the older destroyer-class’
The order of this sentence is a bit awkward. It sounds as though the space dock has the new MLS drive, rather than the ship. To make it easily clear you could say either;

‘One of the older destroyer-class ships was being modified with the new MLS drive at a maintenance space dock orbiting Neptune.’

or;

‘At a maintenance space dock orbiting Neptune, one of the older destroyer-class ships was being modified with the new MLS drive.’

2) ‘maintenance space dock’
I would put a hyphen, but that’s because ‘dock’ is a verb as well as a noun and every time I read it I expect the maintenance space to dock somewhere.

3) ‘four week one way’
‘week’ should be ‘weeks’

4) ‘would do all they can’
there’s a contradiction in tenses here. It should be ‘would do all they could’

5) ‘great unknown again.’
Remove ‘again’. You’ve already said it.

Your Chapter One

1) ‘chair, her eyes widened with interest’
either full-stop after ‘chair’ or change ‘widened’ to widening’.

2) ‘four month earlier’
‘month’ should be ‘months’

3) ‘Very few have ever’
‘have’ would be better as ‘had’ as that is the tense of the previous and the following sentences.

4) ‘around were workspace’
is ‘were’ meant to be ‘her’ ? Or ‘the’ ?

5) ‘communications blocking satellites’
‘communications blocking’ should be hyphenated, otherwise it sounds as though they will be working on communications related to the blocking of satellites.

Ch 2

1) ‘Communication Rely-Station’
Should this be ‘Relay-Station’ ?

Ch 3

1) ‘faster than light speed’
‘light speed’ should be ‘light-speed’

Ch 4

1) ‘would be non-existence’
‘non-existence’ should be ‘non-existent’

2) ‘AG-Mod is shipped out’
Earlier in this sentence you use ‘would’, therefore ‘is’ needs to be ‘was’

3) ‘the best we had was’
You haven’t spoken in first person until you used ‘we’ in this sentence. It feels really wrong. You should stick to third person and say ‘the world’ or ‘Earth’ or something wherever you’ve written ‘we’ and ‘us’ and ‘our’.

4) ‘system will soon’
‘will should be ‘would’

There seems to be a lot of repetition in these first four chapters, essentially regurgitating the prologue in various ways and depths. This slows the story down enormously and the level of detail can be quite mind-boggling. All the detail is important background for you, to keep the story authentic, but I suspect very little of it is essential for the reader beyond what you have provided in the prologue. I would look at cutting out as much as you can and getting the story moving.

Ch 5

Some of the detail in this chapter is also probably unnecessary. Most is needed though, as this is all new information. We just don’t need to know everything about neg-E and star-jumps. We only need to know that that’s how they get around and it’s superior to anything humans have developed.

Ch 6

1) ‘He’
There seems to be something missing here? (The paragraph above this ended with ‘option at this time’ if you’re wanting an easy way to locate it).

From chapter six I have skimmed various chapters. The main thing I notice is that your whole book seems to continue in the ‘telling’ vein, rather than the ‘showing’, which results in very little dialogue and keeps the reader separate from the story rather than pulling them in. You have a lovely style of writing, which mitigates this to a certain extent, but I think your book loses something by ignoring that aspect of storytelling.

Perhaps the easiest way of addressing this issue if you find it hard to write like this, is to pretend that your novel is a play or movie. There aren’t many of these that have action without dialogue and where the author can just tell you what the characters are thinking. They have to show it through dialogue, expression and action. Certainly they provide background in the screen-set, but what moves the story forward is the interaction between the characters.

In a film or play these interactions are broken down into scenes. Your book is so detailed, it shouldn’t be hard for you to go through it and work out exactly where your scenes are – the point where each starts and finishes and what you want to show happening in each scene. Then use your characters to show it happening. Pretend this is a movie that you’re watching. What are the characters going to say and do in this particular scene? Make them say it; make them do it, so that you could sit in front of a screen and still understand the story.

For instance, I just happen to be looking at Ch 32 and a paragraph jumped out at me. It’s the 3rd paragraph, beginning ‘Yu-na finally came to her senses…’

So, let’s see how this would look in a movie…

Yu-na drew in a shuddering breath and eased out of Kim’s comforting embrace. (This ‘shows’ her coming to her senses, rather than just saying she has. I believe you, but the narrator can’t just announce it in a movie). She cleared her throat.

“Has D.W. returned yet?”

Kim shook her head, forcing an unconcerned smile to her face. “Not yet.”

(Okay. Here’s where I discover that I chose a bad paragraph and now we’re going to have to incorporate an earlier scene (if this was a movie) at the very start of this chapter where somebody somewhere else tells Kim about Yu-na and also has a conversation about the fact that D.W. hasn’t returned. At this point Kim should show, and even say, how worried she is by the ship’s lateness. As this is a book, you might prefer to leave it just where it is, as a thought of Kim’s. (That’s the advantage of writing a book, just so long as it’s mixed with action and dialogue.) However, in this instance I think it would be wrong, as it would downplay a terrible tragedy that profoundly affects Kim.

You have an amazing story here and a very detailed, incredible world. Your book has a definite Star-Trek feel. Maybe you should check out some of those Star-Trek movies and see how they get their information about their worlds across, and how much detail they provide about that information.

This book has a lot of potential. Good luck with it.

Sue

MDWS77:

I read through seven chapters of you novel. You have an interesting concept but I think your story suffers from a lack of character development. Simply put, while you narrative is detailed and descriptive there is virtually no interaction between your characters. There was some, between Yin-na and Lt. Sansun and other members of Pluto Bravo but that's it. A novel that lacks this is going to suffer from tedium and that's where your story is weak in my opinion. That's where it needs work.

Strong characters move a story along; they give the reader someone to identify with and provide emotion and depth. Without strong characters, without people, there really is no story. Readers want to feel, they want to live in the moment with the characters and while they're turning the pages, live in their times and places. You have the times and places but without that character interaction it's sterile.

Another item; it's small but I think you should reconsider re-naming your MLS ship. Even though I completely understand the historical context of naming such a ship Enterprise, doing so kind of mirrors Star Trek and I think you should step away from that. Keep your story original. I think you have the skills and imagination to do that. And remember, CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

A nice, descriptive, well constructed and well written polished book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Nicely written. Becareful, though, with the use of very. It is, in almost all cases, a very useless word that adds nothing to a sentence and can become verty irritating to read multiple times.

Your prologue is good, but it may be a bit long and could use some trimming so the reader can get to the main story and your main characters.

Good luck on your project.

Dave R
Alien Ways

Wow you really know your stuff. Its constructed well and polished up very proffessionally. It is such an exciting story and Yu-na is a great character- very intriguing.
Some of the science baffled me a little at first me, but it created a balanced picture in my mind of the day to day routine and the work at the communication rely-station.
Overall a well written book which is bound to do well.
Sci fi at its best.
Junetee(Four Corners)

Mark,

Another suggestion occurred to me after I finished my initial comment. To give the book/series more of a chronicle flavor, you might consider using material as if from primary sources: meeting minutes, technical manuals, official logs, private diaries, news reports, etc. That's a good way to give expository material an immersive, you-are-there flavor and relate parts of the story in different "voices". You could tell the whole story this way a la "Dracula" or intersperse it with regular narrative. It can be a clever way to show by telling.

Karen

Solian Chronicles: Pluto Genesis is built on a great premise: that just about the time we give up looking for extraterrestrials, they find us and maybe it's not such a good thing. There's built-in tension and excitement there. You've imagined some interesting tech to make deep space exploration feasible, with the AG-Mod and MLS drive. The story is populated with a diverse cast of characters with their own, often conflicting, desires and priorities. You've clearly done a lot of work on the details of your characters' lives and history with each other.

The early chapters, in my opinion, are overloaded with exposition and backstory. It's all good information and important for you to have in mind, as the author. The trick is to work out how much of it the reader needs, and when. Big info dumps can be hard to digest; I tend to glaze over. Can it be doled out in smaller chunks in the midst of the story as it is happening? Is the Prologue even necessary? If so, is there a way to make it more active and engaging? As it stands, the prologue is static and pretty dry. Especially in the first few chapters, it's important to establish the characters and get the story rolling, introducing history and technical explanations as needed. Once things are underway, you can step back and spend a little more time on exposition because by then the reader knows the characters and what's at stake. I've heard of editors who don't want to see any exposition or backstory in the first 3 chapters. I've ended up cutting or at least moving thousands of words of such material in just about every book I've written.

On a related note, I'd like to see more "show" and less "tell" in terms of characters. For example, I want to see Commander Park being kind and sweet, and also smart and tough, rather than being asked to accept that she's that way. (I'm still working out how to do this with my own characters; not always sure how to do it, but I know it when I see it). Use dialogue, action, and characters reactions to events and each other to do this.

I noted a few specific corrections, mostly typos that spell-check wouldn't catch:

Prologue
shutdown should be shut down. As one word, it's a noun, but here you want a verb with proposition, so two words.

non-existence should be non-existent

In the sentence beginning, "One of the older destroyer-class ships . . ." move the phrase "with the new MLS drive" right after the verb "modified" to clarify meaning and clean up awkward phrasing.

Ch 1
Think about beginning this chapter with the Commander doing something -- dealing with a subordinate, going through a routine task, having a conversation -- and intersperse her thoughts about commanding a starship. Lt. Sansun apparently interrupts something but we never see what. Or show the fight 4 months ago, then go to "Now he was interrupting with pointless whatevers."

The brief switch to Sansun's point of view seems unnecessary. Consider sticking with Park's POV for the duration of the chapter.

four week should be four weeks

The mention of pirates at the end of the chapter comes out of nowhere and doesn't really go anywhere. Does this belong in this chapter, or would it fit better somewhere else?

Ch 2
I don't think they'd still be using pounds and feet. Scientists and the space program already use metric.

Write out dialogue as dialogue rather than telling about it. Make it active and immediate.

Rely-Station should be Relay-Station

This sentence is awkwardly phrased: As Yu-na signed off, she was conflicted that her mentor would be coming out to her location because of her growing relationship with Kyle Denton.
It makes it sound like the reason the Admiral is coming is the growing relationship, and I know that's not what you meant. You might try something like: Yu-na signed off, conflicted, because of her relationship with Kyle Denton, that her mentor would be coming out to her location. (But it would be even better if you could somehow show the conflict: she's pleased that this event is significant enough to bring the Admiral to Pluto, but she knows he doesn't approve of Denton, which will make things awkward. Does she have anyone she can confide in? Do other people know about this past history? Would anyone comment?)

Exposition at the end of the chapter makes it end with a thud rather than a bang. Find a way to fold this into the story.

Ch 3
When the mission starts . . . You want "started".

much need parts should be much needed parts

Consider the dramatic possibilities if Park and Denton have not already re-started their relationship. This mission would throw them back together, both professional and putting the mission first, but neither quite knowing how the other feels.

I can see how this set-up could grow into a Star Trek-like series. Lots of possibilities! Good luck with it.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

too much exposition for me. drip feed the info bit by bit so i can learn about your characters as i go through the book. if you tell me so much early on, what more is there to learn?

This is a very intriguing plot with great dialogue. Your writing style is captivating to the reader, and it the plot flows as it thickens; drawing the reader in. I believe you have a very solid book here with great potential for sales. Some editing would smooth out the rough spots, but basically you have a book ready to be picked up. Solian Chronicles may well be a mini-series someday. I wish you all the luck with your work.

I like the way the author has constructed his story, and although it needs a little editing [sentence structuring] it does flow well. Like JET!, it starts a little slowly, but picks up nicely by the end of the first page. This book is close to the HC review, and I am confident it will easily make Ed's desk. This is one of those stories that makes you think; I wished I'd written that!
phil4002 [Phil Phoenix - Author of The JET! Trilogy]

Good opening, I like the simple and direct writing with NO confusion. You bring a definite picture of the two characters. I like the strong female protagonist and her no b.s. attitude and I was able to follow as the flow of the writing is good. I have placed this on my bookshelf and look forward to reading and enjoying.
Pam S.
CS-21

After I was asked to take a read of this I thought "why not?" even though sci fi isn't really my thing.

Well, four chapters in and I'm caught in two minds. There are some interesting ideas and you have clearly put a lot of thought into the future you wish to portray, but when it comes to portraying this vision to us there just seems to be too much information at the expense of the development of the story itself.

I don't want to be too critical about this as it's an accusation I've faced myself but I honestly think this could be improved with more story development, more dialogue, and less explanation, on the first few chapters.

With a bit of work this could become a good solid story, just keep working at it. I've starred it based on the above and will give it some shelf space for a few days to show some support.

James

Hi Mark,
your friend sciFi asked me to take alook at your book. I've rearranged the first few paragraphs to fit a time sequence, in the hope that it flows more easily. See what you think and let me know if it works.
Scott.

PROLOGUE
When the Anti-Gravity Module (AG-Mod) was made public in the late 2020’s, people realized that space exploration was very easy and was the only frontier worth pursuing. So popularity increased dramatically. A drive to find Extra-Terrestrial life pushed that popularity along. Since no signs of Extra-Terrestrial life had been found in the last seventy years, the motivation for deep space exploration had gone the way of the previous century.
In January of 2099, there was a Vote to shutdown the System Conference on Extra-Terrestrial Life. The Vote was significant but expected. Most scientists had already given up looking for intelligent life and had been focusing on terra-forming. The Department of Space Exploration was already being absorbed by the Department of System Colonization, and would soon be non-existent. The Vote would speed that along. This put the Multi-Light Speed drive (MLS) project in jeopardy.
The Vote however, would not deter the people at the Saturn, Neptune and Pluto stations who were dedicated to this project. They still had the dream. And they would do all they could to keep this mission going. Their commitment would bring about their desire of completing the MLS project and to reach out into space. Maybe then, others would be motivated to explore the great unknown once again.
One of the older destroyer-class ships was being modified with the new MLS drive, at a maintenance space dock orbiting Neptune . The hope was that it would soon come to the planetary-based PRSB (Pluto Research Station Bravo), nicknamed Pluto Bravo. There it would pick up the station’s commanding officer and some more crew members, then make its run to Alpha Centauri. The one way trip would take about four weeks.

I have read chapter one and like the hook of the message to draw the reader in. Good use of imagination to build a detailed scientific picture of the future universe. Best of luck with your book!

I like the new cover for your novel.

"Shutdown" is a noun, "shut down" is the verb.

One annoying thing, she tells us she is usually a kind person, how do we know that, we only have her word for it?

Let us judge her by her actions and not by her self-opinion.

So, shortness of breath and wide eyes depicts excitement!!?

Stick to shortness of breath as that indicates he has been running to bring the message to her, no need to say anything more, let the reader work out how he is feeling.

So, she narrows her eyes and grits her teeth. That tells the reader that she is not happy, nuff said.

And scrap the following para; it serves no purpose except to slow the pace of the only piece of action up to now.

Delete the para between “What’s so important lieutenant.” and “That’s just the point ma’am.”

And the next one too.

And drop the POV switch, stop telling us about Lt Sansun, this is Park’s POV.

“Run it through the computer –“. Who is she talking to, how many more people are present?

You call her Yu-na, and commander Park!!? Stick to one name or pronouns.

She thought her job boring and had great potential!!?

An hour later Sansun returned!!? I didn’t know he’d gone or that sixty minutes had passed. (Try double-treble spacing)

You repeat yourself too, “she had been waiting an hour!!? We know that.

And he returns again!!?

So she USUALLY likes to be cautious does she? And suddenly she is talking to Ensign Larrison.

Then you give a looooong info dump.

How does anti-gravity make space travel safe? What if you hit a rock the size of a baseball or a basketball?

Never heard of a particle disruptor? (Google it)

What does an AG-Mod actually do, try explaining it instead of confusing the reader.

I was going to ask you which you prefer, alcohol or marijuana, but it looks like you have been using both.

The truth- It’s boring. In the first chapter a message is received (and the reader has thrown the book into a rubbish bin).

What has developed in the first chapter? You have contradictory phrases on how the MC feels about her work.

Do you think it’s worth reading the next one?

Tell us an interesting story, with witty believable dialogue and action.

I have done what I can, now I suggest you look up all the author help sites before you proceed, for in my opinion, you are wasting your time until you learn about plots, how to write a story, how to set it out and many other things you are not aware of.

A tip. Anti-gravity goes together with anti-inertia. That means, except for the downward pull, a space traveller would have no sense of movement. This means you can flit about at ftl speed and not have passengers ending up like squashed tomatoes when they come out of hyper-drive.

Admiral Westing receives a signal (while working in his office, Wow!).

Massive info dump, only a little of it is important.

And fifteen para’s later, the story continues.

***

Admiral Westing looked up from his desk as Lt. Sonat entered without knocking.

“I have Commander Park on a secure channel, it’s urgent,” she said.

He switched on his com-set and listened to Park’s report, after which he said….

***

He instructs her with another info dump, as if she has never done anything like this before, telling her what to do and why!!?

Need I say any more?

Get to work on this. Cut, cut, cut and cut.

I've read three chapters so far, and plan to keep reading, but I'm curious about something: This is supposed to be a Star Trek-like series, right? Do you envision it as a book series or a show, ultimately? The thing is, I like the idea you present in the synopsis.

I do have 3 other books in mind for the series, 2 prequels and 1 sequel. I do see this as a possible movie or book series.

I've read three chapters so far, and plan to keep reading, but I'm curious about something: This is supposed to be a Star Trek-like series, right? Do you envision it as a book series or a show, ultimately? The thing is, I like the idea you present in the synopsis. You spend so much time on describing technologies and characters, particularly backgrounds, as facts about them rather than weaving them into the plot. I'd like to learn about the characters more slowly, as the story moves. Now, I'm only three chapters in, but I'm not being drawn into the story. Also, you say quite a bit about Yu-na and Kyle being good friends, but then say that Kyle once 'hurt her badly when she was a cadet' when everything else seems like close friendship. Now, him being a little hurt by her surpassing his rank after he made a mistake is understandable, but how did he hurt her? I'd rather read about their interactions as they happen rather than in the past.

Hope to see this book published soon. I have read most of it and surprises are fantastic. I would buy this book once it is out in print.

Hi MDWS77--(I feel like I'm addressing a droid unit with a name like that ; ) -- I read the first chapter and it is excellent. Highly starred. I took some notes, and can write those up and email to you if you want. You write well, and I understand and buy into your characters, the timeline, and setting. Some easily fixable, missed edits that I can communicate if you get back to me. Perhaps other reviewers have spotted. This is fine work. I can picture it without getting caught up in excess detail.

Kind regards,
Dean Lombardo

i read about four chapters, i liked it, will rate it well, i think the main focus for the writer especially in the early parts of the story is to create believability, and i think this is a good thing to do for a serious sci fi work as this is, sci fi enthusiasts and even folks on the fence are lookig for holes, reasons why someting won't work, so to get them into the story you have to have a solid framework, however, the oddest thing i find with much sci fi i also find here, we have a world where much tech advancement is made in space travel - light speed drives, anit gravity, etc. - but we do not see corresponding bio changes in the human characters that you might expect, after years into the future wouldn't we have characters who have increased life spands, or who are a hybrid of tech and bio components, etc.., and characters especially Yu - Na and her rogue pilot boyfriend fill traditional romantic hero roles, and perhaps no matter where mankind goes the romantic notion will never die, but maybe in the future it might be transformed in ways, just a thought,

Read several chapters and I still love this book.

Better, but still wordy, but that is only my opinion.

Get working on that prologue and look at your messages.

I love your premise. The idea of making contact with Extra-Terrestrials intrigues me a great deal. The detail you give to your inventions is amazing and I wonder if you have ever applied for a job at NASA where they can bring your ideas to life? I personally like more dialogue, however your descriptions keep me wanting more. Good job.