Nero in Greece: The Tour!

Good opening. The last sentence – defeat was unimaginable – is overkill. I’m not invested enough in this character yet to care about his hyperbolic worries. You need to show high stakes through what transpires, not through telling me I should care.

Watch your punctuation. There are commas missing, and lots of comma splices. For example: The tent was not the largest on the field, that naturally belonged to the Emperor: an enormous fabric world etc. You’ve separated the first two clauses with a comma but left out a conjunction, which unfortunately gives you a dangling modified (is it the field that naturally belongs to the Emperor or the largest tent?). The tent was not the largest on the field; the largest, an enormous fabric world etc, belonged to the Emperor. Just on formatting – using bold in the text is kind of a cheat, too. Make it clear the word is being emphasized some other way.

There are a few awkward sentences: “his enquiring tone making it sound as though he addressed them individually” for example. It’s clear what you mean, just awkward.

Just on his rousing speech to the Romans. These were hard-bitten warriors. I wonder if they really could have been roused to great heights by telling them that the Greeks were being rude about the Emperor. Chances are, they were rude about the Emperor to themselves. If they were like most soldiers, they were probably roused more easily in the face of a clear threat, or a very grave insult to Rome, or by promises of loot. Being sneered at was probably par for the course.

Chapter two – lots of annoying comma problems, the fact that somebody has a lean and hungry look is mentioned too often. Once is enough. The non-hungry guy could maybe be described as fat and happy, or some variation thereof.

Also, the jokey asides – “his office being of a size that allowed this comfortably” – seem a bit cheap. These are very sophisticated players who could probably be quite witty, either in their own heads, or to one another. Cheap jokes don’t work so well in this context.

However… the details about things like caring how much bigger the desk is, is good.

My overall view of this is that it’s very well written and you seem to know your stuff. Making your characters more sophisticated, particularly in their conversations, would take it up another notch. The punctuation needs to be cleaned up and, overall, the characters need to be taken a bit more seriously and given some gravitas. Within this they can still have moments of humour and fun, as long as it’s not cheap shots. e.g. one soldier calling out that they’ll get the bum bandits is probably how a Roman soldier would think of the Greeks. Likewise, a character suddenly thinking ’it’s taken 45 years and I’ve done it!’ is realistic. But suggesting that Roman soldiers should get militant about a few insults is probably not. Genuine humour comes out of real situations, so the more realistic you can make the novel, the funnier it will be, if that’s what you’re aiming for.

I'm returning a read you gave me 50 days ago - very late I know, but I've been busy with university and just as it happens I'm in my Classics MA. As such I'm going to raise a few points, though my expertise is on the Greek side, rather than the Roman, there are still some issues of credibility in an historical context.

First off your writing is very good. I enjoyed what I read and it went on at a lively pace. The characters were interesting and the settings too. Everything was described beautifully and the dialogue flowed naturally. There is no criticism on the techniques of writing, which are very high.

However, the major issue I see with this is that your novel will be competing with Robert Graves' I, Claudius. I'm sure you've read it, and who could do better than it? Not to mention the fact that he was an excellent classical scholar and I imagine your sources are Suetonius and Tacitus, the former of which Graves' translation is the most widely known one.

I've read three chapters and the first thing that struck me is your main characters have Greek names. Epaphroditus I can see you have tried to make sound Roman with the -us ending, but the Greek would have -os at the end: Ήπαφροδίτος; Philo is very Greek: Φίλος; Zenodias is another: Ξενωδίας ; as is Phaedrus: Φαῖδρος; and also Miltidaes (so close to Mithridates): Μιλιταδης. The Latin (sounding) names you have stand out glaringly obviously, Poppaea, Tigellinus, Sporus, Siculus. What should be immediately obvious is the phonetic difference: Greek is a much softer language with emphasis on the vowels or s, r, n, t or m. Latin is a harsher language with emphasis on the consonants. Say the names out loud and you'll see the difference, or even look them up and you'll see that some of them are actually Greek names.

I'm raising this because in Ancient Rome, even in the time of Nero, there were massive prejudices against anyone who wasn't Roman - and that included the Greeks. While we like to see them as civilised, the Romans didn't. It was xenophobia of the most extreme form and those men would not be in the lucrative positions they are in if they are Greeks or even had Greek names.

Another problem I noticed was "denariis" - singular: denarius; plural: denarii

Nero's curse wasn't ever voiced in Antiquity: Cronos' castrated balls. Think of something like 'By the wrath of Zeus' or 'By the Furies'.

If your main research has been Suetonius and/or Tacitus (the latter is by far the better of the two), you should also consult secondary reading around them. Robin Lane-Fox's The Classical World is a very good and comprehensive view of both the history and culture, and also provides a critique on the bias of the primary sources. The lesser known Cassius Dio is also worth a look though he follows in the same form as Sue. and Tac.

[Edit: If I recall correctly I think the books Tacitus deals with Nero are missing. I think we may have the end of the last one, but if that is the case then I'm afraid I've misled you.]

I hope I've been of some help.

Yours,
Joe

of course I misspelled 'Style' in my first sentence...wow...*smh*

I like your stylr of writing. You seem to stick to the 'less is better', meaning you manage to say a lot without a lot of words. That makes for a pleasant read. Good job.
Plus although I don't know much about Nero he has always been a person of interest to me so I really like that you used him as a main character.
Nice.
RSB

Historical fiction readers group review

Nero in Greece


I have to agree with the earlier commentator, Maeveslibnin, fun historical novel, nice premise--fiscal hi-jinks at Nero's court and the protagonist the Finance Minister. great. I too plan to get back to it. Colorful, lively, enough decadence without becoming a parody--- details of administration and court life ring true.
Not that keen on the prologue, mainly because some of the language sounds too much like a present-day politician on TV, "extremely reasonable" demands and "do our very best" (not sure 'itineraries' sounds right either) A lot more of that in next chap, so you may have intended it. I just have a bias toward language that doesn't sound as if it came from any other era than the one chosen--prefer denarii to denariis for this reason. Like the description and references to Zenodias as 'a hungry man' and some of the other images.
Noticed a few minor errors that may be typos or the result of changes followed by cut-and-paste for example.(e.g. 'Nero who though lacked . .' lacking?, an 'elongated' dinner--prolonged. This may have been meant humorously, but suggests a very long table.) '

fascinating....great names and setting...you use dialogue very well with the narrative...this should do well...and l will help...
l shall back...six stars...
read SEASONS...

I have to agree with the earlier commentator, Maeveslibnin, fun historical novel, nice premise--fiscal hi-jinks at Nero's court and the protagonist the Finance Minister. great. I too plan to get back to it. Colorful, lively, enough decadence without becoming a parody--- details of administration and court life ring true.
Not that keen on the prologue, mainly because some of the language sounds too much like a present-day politician on TV, "extremely reasonable" demands and "do our very best" (not sure 'itineraries' sounds right either) A lot more of that in next chap, so you may have intended it. I just have a bias toward language that doesn't sound as if it came from any other era than the one chosen--prefer denarii to denariis for this reason. Like the description and references to Zenodias as 'a hungry man' and some of the other images.
Noticed a few minor errors that may be typos or the result of changes followed by cut-and-paste for example.(e.g. 'Nero who though lacked . .' lacking?, an 'elongated' dinner--prolonged. This may have been meant humorously, but suggests a very long table.) '

I have read the prologue and the first 2 chapters. I am very much enjoing this and want to read more after I finish some other commitments that I have. If it carries on as it has, I think i will back this book.
It is fun historical fiction. I very much like that you managed to make the premise of your story the fiscal indiscretions of the Emoire and your hero the minister of finance. It is a new twist that I find entertaining. The descriptions are rich and the characters engaging. You give a satisfying dollop of Roman excesses without going over the top, and thus fulfill the genre needs without being dull. I think you did the right thing by adding the prologue, which verged on hysterical. Part of me wanted you to take it over the edge, (for example, by quoting the ditties) but that may have a distracting effect.
I found two typos, both in chapter 3:
"He decided to walk ther." should be there
And
"...the latest trial report_" should be a period,
I look forward to getting back to this.
Best
Maeve

This is a good book, readable and interesting because the dialog is modern rather than classical. Jesselowe

Hi, I have just backed your book.. Enjoyed your sense of humour. Perhaps you could return the favour and back mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith. If you do, many thanks. Best wishes, John.

What a lovely, light-hearted romp through Ancient Rome! This is not a book for purists who wil argue that the "voice" is too modern. Personally, I love it! There are minor issues with commas and a few typos, a few paragraphs that could do with sharpening up here and there, but nothing a good edit wouldn't fix.

Really great fun and it's staying on my WL.

LJ - To be honest, I wasn't too excited as I read the pitch (short pitch was a bit too Monty Python,
long pitch sounded overly deep into historical minutia... Epaphroditus - can't that be cured with
erythromycin; just kidding.).

Once I began reading, I found it to be a really good piece. (Perhaps a suggestion would be to
touch up the pitch slightly to appeal to a broader audience; just a thought.)
This piece reads with an easy flow to it, coupled with an almost Kensington/Manhattan Park
Avenue relevance/flare. Great subtle use of humor in the finer details: e.g. the whole bit around
the wink turned into a [staggering] blink; "covering his mouth AFTER the event". An Armenian
extravaganza "so dazzling they ran out of superlatives... ruinously expensive, naturally." yet
here we are toying with melting down the golden statue of Apollo. Really? Have we really come to
that? What will the Provincial Governors say at the next team building retreat! Too much cash
going out? It's the excessive use of vermillion, isn't it. Damn union interior decorators!
We'll just have to make do with the faux vermil-oleum. (Or, we could just go with your guy's
solution; whatever).

Had a little bit of problem around a few parts: the builders using sharpened tools against
thousands of legionnaires(?). And the Purple marching plums? I'm not feeling the menacing
psychological warfare effect from that. (is that a typo? Still not feeling it).

"...how nice it would be this three day banquet could be held responsible for..." (missing 'if'
and/or commas? 'three-day' ?).

"Sneezingly heavy" (doesn't really seem to work so well).
Elephants doing a tight rope act? (did the Romans actually attempt something like that?)

turbaned, loin clothed supposedly Indian gurus (also really seems awkward; perhaps a re-work)
"finery on show Poppaea gleamed, a black band holding an enormous ruby..." (didn't quite follow the flow; perhaps a slight change: "finery on show, Poppaea dangled...")

All and all, nicely done LJ. Loved the humor and the way you worked all the historical details smoothly into the flow.

Steve
'At the Narrow End of Time'

P.S. One question you never answered that enquiring minds are bound to ask: So does this new position
come with a late model 6-horse charriot or no?

I read your first two chapters.

General comments: An enthralling read. I care about how things will turn out for Epaphroditus. Vivid imagery. I'm there every step of the way. An abundance of wonderful period detail that evokes the era. Well-textured narrative. Clever wit. Good tension. Smooth pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Hyphenate 'forty three.'
2) "Hello Philo." Comma after 'hello.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases in the two chapters I read where you address someone in dialogue but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
3) After a moment of silent contemplation he said. "That is not a lot to run a city on." Comma after 'said.'
4) Excellent end of chapter hook.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'His route too him from the Palace of Tiberius ... ' 'Too' should be 'took.'
2) "There is no need to dress up a __." Replace the long underline with an em-dash and remove the period. An em-dash signifies interruption and isn't punctuated. There are more cases of this type of problem.
3) ' ... and the warning glare at all that gravitated too close to her prize.' 'That' should be 'who.'
4) "Caesar," Epaphroditus bowed his head. Period after 'Caesar.'

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for the advice on "Savannah Oak."

Have a sensational day.

Al

If this were a TV show it would be a cross between 'I, Claudius' and 'Yes, Minister.' Some very good characters shaping up in this and the very odd place that was first century Rome is entertainingly portrayed. Epaphroditus and Philo are a good double act as they investigate the financial shenanigans, while observing the eccentricities around them. I loved the line about never disagreeing, insulting or giving bad news to the Emperor. The party was a hoot, Tight rope walking baby elephants and all.I think you have something of a talent for comedy and it's all done with the lightest of touches.

Honestly , LJ, you are so prolific, I don't know how you do it , you clearly have a very deep interest in Ancient Rome, but also a way of bringing it alive which is remeniscent of the man I won't mention, watchlisted and starred,with best wishes from Strachan Gordon

I'm loving this. A great fun read. Is the name Epaphroditus real, or have some subtle meaning? Because it trips me up every time I try to read it, I find it just one syllable too much of a mouthful. I love the fact of the implicit dramatic irony of it being Nero. We don't know what will happen to your protagonist, but we sure as hell know what happens to Nero.

I don't have a lot of time tonight, but I just wanted to say I read your opening chapter and I do think this is very clever. Your narrative is pretty clear and I like the dialogue. I know little of the times, apart from a little, and I think keeping the dialogue modern will allow you are wider readership than attempting to mimick other stories of this time. The humour is good and works well. You voice stands out and I wish you all the luck with this.

LJ the read I promised. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish. I do believe humour is the toughest genre to write.

Hyphen between Greece - and the tour?

But great intro and very relevant with the current Euro and Greek woes - your timing could be good.

I like the shark intro to the story, slowly drip feeding the historical background. You've one advantage over others in that you don't wish it to be taken seriously anway and I sense you'll do just that. I often get confused with Roman names and nomenclature but you've skipped me through that - Philo is a superb name and the deals with denaris, sestertes and asses worked a charm.

No typos, and good dialogue, and the story has early pace. And the humour is there - enjoyed the meltdown suggestions being taken incorrectly.

I guess Rome was famous for huge feasts, orgies, political intrigue and orgies, and Chapter 2 is leading us into 2 of those 4. The humour is there and you've kept the historical facts to the story itself - i found myself wondering about Indian silk but quickly recognised its irrelevance to the facts I'm reading. One cannot, at my age at least, consider Up Pompei - and many similarities with the dialogue - The Emperor should scoff more often! This is an entertaining read.

Chapter 3 - first line missing a comma?

Again some clever touches particularly the accounting. You've touched on the historical facts enough to tease the average reader without force-feeding us. The accounts left me cross eyed also. Then from there we come to cross-dressing, no gay, potential Emperors and you've pushed the boundaries firmly away from reality.

Jump to Chapter 8 - Good section here but some suggestions - maybe too much use of Anglo Saxon 'fucking' and more Minerva's arse's needed, metaphorically speaking of course - just to add to the Roman flavour. Every Chapter has run at a tremendous pace taking me as off key as the Emperors trumpeters. its clever and witty - am wondering if it needs to be slower in places just to adjust the pace, but you've read the whole story.

I read until the end and do wonder what humrourists drink/smoke/chew when they write. The 'eight monther' creates visions of Aphrodite that Da vinci never considered and I wish i couldn't. Again I feel the use of the 'F' word could be improved upon - perchance just create your own - you've clearly the vision - and I say that with the utmost respect.

Overall a very good read. Like so many of this genre I find it difficult to make any solid suggestions for improvement. best. Steve.

Very very funny. Backed.

Very easy read, really enjoyable with a nice pace. I love anything remotely Roman era esque so I loved the witty humour and obvious research. top notch bit of fun!
cho below, needs an edit but doesn't detract from the story. thanks for the fun!
may the goddess Laetitia bless you!!

Hi LJ

Just returning your review of 'The Missing Heiress.'

I enjoyed your opening chapters - you a have really done an amazing amount of research which makes your novel very realistic. However in Chapter Two, Paragraph Two - you use too much back story and irrelevant details at times. Everything in brackets should go. Why not treat the reader to some description of these incredible buildings? The soft yellow of their stone, the intricate carvings at the head of the columns and the cool marble floors? Although I did notice that you had some great description later of Nero's palace.

Your dialogue is very modern and doesn't even attempt to be slightly dated 'you deal with that other stuff.' This can help the reader navigate through historical fiction set in ancient times.

I wish you well with this and will scatter stars liberally.

Susanna
'The Missing Heiress'

Hi. Some notes on chapter one - that being the first thing an agent would see. I'm not one, of course though sometimes I wish I was, because I'd be able to publish all sorts of things I like!

I enjoyed this. I like this period of history so that was a plus. I thought you hit the right tone - in period without being archaic. Not making the mistake of using either silly 'old' language, or too modern. Good stuff. Characters believable and real and likeable.

Couple of queries that pulled me up: first - is this a typo? ''Philo not look hungry.' ?
I think maybe if you use dashes here - '... and sat himself on the - Epaphroditus would have said 'chair' - bgut really......' would read better. It ran into itself and confused me with the commas.

'Philo's brown eyes met the boss's enquiring gree iris.' - makes it seem like the boss only has one eye!

Ok. Great ending to chapter one - 'Of course he did..' makes me want to read on, which I shall be doing. Will say more then. Some stars and a seat on my watchlist til then.
Cariad.

Historical Fiction Readers Group

I enjoyed the court of the decadent Nero, with its eunuch look-alike for Empress, and its inventive entertainments. The historical background seems a natural part of the story so far. I read the first three chapters and there are some neat turns of phrase in description. My favourite is 'so thankful that he wasn't going to be Stratoned'. The main character is credible, as is his dilemma.

I am a huge fan of Lyndsey Davis and Stephen Saylor, and although this isn't a historical detective, they seem to me to be useful comparisons in terms of the historical background and narrative structures. At the moment, I don't think the story or the character of Nero are strong enough. The central hook to the story is that Epaphroditus needs to a) solve the city's financial problems and b) avoid being tortured/killed by his boss Nero Nothing in the opening chapters gives us a picture of how crazy Nero is, nor what might actually happen to Epaphroditus. I don't think you can write about Nero without acts of unprovoked violence on a whim, as entertainment, and I think the opening chapter needs references to some of Nero's wilder acts to make us feel the threat hanging over Epaphroditus. Some other personal stakes in what happens e.g. his family/a loved one/ a victim that he wants to help would up the reader's involvement in the story. At the moment, the story isn't strong enough for me but there's potential.

Take a look at 'Chasing Pharaohs' here on authonomy as I think it shows really well how to convey the kind of absolute power, disdain for people's lives and scale of death toll that was part of various empires.

I have to say, I have an idea how this should be written but i couldn't do it as I can't reach the grand scale of Emperor's craziness needed to write Nero and those who surround him. Good luck!

Jean Gill
Song at Dawn

This does need some serious editing! But I like this story which is uncomplicated but has enough suspense to keep the pages turning!! I can imagine this on the film screen!