Dear Cinderella

I read and commented under the name "JERICHO" before but I'm back for more. I'm addicted to Dear Cinderella

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: An intriguing spin on an old tale. Elle is a feisty central character. You use deep point of view well to flesh her out. Effective desciptions. Well-managed tension. Compelling pacing.

Specific comment on the first chapter:
1) 'There are so many false hood.' 'False hood' is one word. Also, in this context (i.e. many) falsehood should be plural.
2) 'Any body' is one word.
3) 'Goodbye Bryn, as I dab this ink onto this paper you will be caught and found ... ' Comma after 'goodbye.' When you address someone, offset their name or title with commas.
4) 'Do not toy with a young girls emotions.' Girls (plural) should be girl's (possessive).
5) 'Take her Bryn, take her and leave her.' Comma after the first 'her.' As mentioned above, when you address someone, offset their name or title with commas.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) 'Maybe it is Amelia that walks among them doing ... ' 'That' should be 'who.'
2) 'What were Veronica and Opals father like?' Opals (plural) should be Opal's (possessive).

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) 'The Earth beneath me was my mothers.' Mothers (plural) should be mother's (possessive).
2) ' ... than I was Summer?' Than should be then.
3) 'Child hood' is one word.
4) ' ... what in the hell did she do to have mother scream at her.' Capitalize 'mother.' When a kinship term is used as a name, it becomes a proper noun and is capitalized. There is another case of this type of problem in this chapter.
5) 'Do this for me please sister.' Comma after 'please.' When you address someone, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases in this chapter where you address someone but didn't offset their name or title with commas.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Deborah.

Al

Your writing flows along very well.
It has a lot of originality to this. Your twist to this is very different, and your writing is very good.
I like the title and cover. They both are perfectly chosen.
Best wishes.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

As promised (although the "real" world dragged me away longer than I expected it to, I have finally managed to read Dear Cinderella.

It is a unique, dark and almost cynical twist on the classic fairytale. You manage to draw the author's sympathy for Elle, despite her aggressive manner, and the handling of the shift from disliking Amelia to feeling sympathy for her is remarkably done. I enjoyed the story immensely, and found it easy to follow.

I appreciate it is incomplete, but I am left hanging right now, and really want to know how this story ends!

The story needs a good edit, to catch a few grammar and spelling errors, but then we are all guilty of those, so that is by no means a criticism. When you do it (or get someone else to) try not to let the fixes spoil the rush, because the pace, and sometime panicked reading adds very much to the darkness and emotion of the story, and I would hate to see that lost.

I also got lost with the sudden introduction of P.U.M.P.K.I.N. I can see where it was going, but I guess I might have missed a few hints in the existing text, as it threw me to start with. Having said that, the answers I need are probably in the remaining part of the story.

Really enjoyed it, and look forward to reading the rest when it is posted. Won't be changing my shelf until the beginning of April, but you are on my list for then.

Rose (Worlds Apart: Leah)

From page one, Elle's thoughts are so frantic and angry that a reader can't help but wonder what on earth went so wrong? A few well placed hints help pique interest. Although Dear Cinderella is a fairy tale, you've made Elle come alive through emotion, making it easy for me to picture her as a real girl. Usually the chicks in fairy tales aren't relatable unless you're five. I did notice there were a few punctuation problems with missing commas and apostrophes.

I like the voice in this story. It's very different. And I like your writing style. It flows well, very readable. Now I'm curious to see what you've done with shapeshifters in Cardinal...

Eden

Dear Cinderella,
What have you done? Changed your name to Elle, and created tale all of your own. What a wonderful web you spin. I hope it goes far. Why don't the children read it? I don't know, but it has such a flare that their heads would be in dispair.

This is awesome. You have such an imagination!! And your also have the ability to keep the reader guessing. I finished four chapters before I knew it. This story has always been a favorite of mine, and I like the gritty realism you've injected.

But you need some serious punctuation fixes. And a few usage fixes. "You will hear soon enough let us." I can't tell what that means.

"Do you remember when I came shortly a month later?" Maybe you meant, "Do you remember that I came a short month later?"

Also, it took me a while to realize that Bryn was the Prince. Bryn reads as a feminine name to me. I guess it would be Brynne if feminine.

Hope you are well--haven't seen you in the forums lately.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Dear Cinderella is an interesting and somewhat graphic retelling of the classic tale. Author Deborah Lee Clark has cleverly put together an account of what might have really happened, which in many ways seems more true to historical medieval court life. Although her tale is gritty, one can easily see how it the very romantic elements of it might have been crafted into the Cinderella story we all know, just taking the very best parts and leaving out the rest, which is 90 percent of the real story according to this novel.

The dialog is good and the main character is very sympathetic. I think the various people in the novel all seem to act appropriately based on their motivations, social standing and agenda. I was never pulled out of the story through a misstep by any of them.

As for the very graphic nature of some of the scenes in the book, especially the oral sex scene very early in the story, I’m not sure if they add anything. They are very well done, but I think they might move Dear Cinderella away from most target audiences. In my experience, people who want to read romance don’t want hardcore sex in the story. Deal Cinderella could even be a unique young adult tale if toned down. Again, I am not saying the sex isn’t great. I enjoyed reading it. But I think it might make the book a bit harder to sell, which these days might mean the book never sees the light of day with a publisher. It’s a very good story and cleverly told, so it deserves every chance it can get.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Definitely not what I expected at all!! I am a big sucker for Cinderella stories and was quite shocked when I started reading. It is different lol

I am having a hard time understanding everything that is going on and am not going to say what I think is happening for fear of looking stupid lol So I will tell you what I like about the first 4 chapters and let you know that this another read I will continue bit by bit.

You have a very poetic style.
I like that Cinderella is so bold. She's the complete opposite of the real Cind.
I like that it is so quick paced. I don't feel like I'm dragging through poetry (something I unfortunately have to be in the extreme mood to read and appreciate).
Happy to continue on

-Aliah
Her Demise

Wow this is not your average fairy tale. I LOVED your style of writing. I never actually read anything like this before, it's very dark and "gothic" like you described it. I've only read the first two chapters so far but i keep getting this felling that Elle doesnt respect herself too much (or maybe I'm wrong?) Hopefully of I read on I'll find that she's actually more bold. Anyways, this was insanely good!

Good luck and six stars for sure! :)

I like the way you tell the story using an old-fashioned voice. I can just imagine the scenes and the way your characters are speaking.
I wasn't sure what I was reading at the very beginning but I'm glad I continued on.
Your style is very refreshing and made it different from all the other books I've read on here.
Well done,
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Deborah,

I love your take on the Cinderella story! So far I've read the first two chapters of Dear Cinderella and I'm really enjoying it. You write well and it's interesting to read Ella's thoughts on the world around her and on her step family. I liked the fact that even though her one stepsister was being nasty to her she really knew that their relationship had become a good one. This story is a wonderful "What-if" and personally, I think I'm going to like it better than the orrigional. Your cover is also gothically beautiful and exquisitely done! Who created it?

I've given Dear Cinderella six out of six stars and am gladly backing it! I'll be excited to return for more!

Have a wonderful day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. Thanks for all your time with my book as well and support of it!

Wow. I just read the first chapter and I can already tell you have an amazing style of writing. You have a very unique voice and I love how well you've written this. I also love the twist you've turned on this classic.

You have such a poetic, unique voice Deb. One thing in the first chapter, 'now the rumors get worst each day' - I wasn't sure if you wanted it that way, otherwise I thought it should be 'worse'.
Such a different retelling. Very clever :-)
Tammy

This isn't really the sort of thing I would usually read so I don't feel qualified to comment. There are plenty more people on this site far more experienced in this genre.
But I can see your writing style and tone of voice is strong and your storytelling is pacy.

I'll be giving it a spin on my shelf.
Good luck!

Diana
Pascual's Birthday

DEAR CINDERELLA
This is definitely not the usual Cinderella story where she longs endlessly to meet her prince. This Cinderella is feisty and bold. And that’s great because that makes this story so much more interesting. You have a different than usual writing style so it took me a minute to follow it, but once I caught on, I liked the read a lot. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wannabeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Wow. What a voice. A friend of mine on here -mr karats- suggested I read it, and I'm thrilled. I'm no expert, so, you shouldn't expect anything like a suggestion. I just say how I feel. Excellent. On my shelf for the long run. :)

Hi again, I only had time to read two chapters tonight. Firstly, I think you've got that mysterious thing, voice. The main character is quite captivating, as she should be. In terms of more helpful feedback, you could maybe use italics for thoughts rather than for emphasis, and I wasn't sure about the use of bold. (One typo: the cold of that stone then > than). I hope that helps a little. My shelf is completely jammed at the moment but I'm going to sprinkle some stars to help you on your way.

All the very best,

Mark, The Devil's Fan Club

Hi there. So I read your first four chapters and I’m into it, and I feel like so far I’m more attracted to your style than the story. Obviously you’re rehashing a classic (a popular story everyone knows), and I think one of the best things you’ve done in changing it into your own story is still delivering the key images that are associated with the known story. For example, the main things I think of with Cinderella are: an unkempt servant girl, a glass slipper, and royalty, and thus far you’ve given me all those things, but in your own way. Nice.

About your style, I think repetition really sets the cadence… in particular I’m thinking of “I” because it’s always: I did this, I did this, I thought that. It’s a style I think is underused, frankly, and it helps move the reader along quickly. It’s like a wormy little detail of how I image a stream of thought really working. You also repeat images of hair and clothing, which fits nicely. I can only speak for myself, but I feel like the brain is always repeating images that have profound influences on us.

I really like the poetry in the second paragraph of the third chapter, the one that begins “I dreamt of Evely…” and I could do with more paragraphs of this nature.

As far as recommendations go, it’s clear that you’re getting gritty. You’re throwing “whore” around, and other dirty images. I think you can go deeper. I mean, you’ve got us in your characters head, make her filthy and vengeful and sexual and angry. Really unleash her subconscious. I think at one point you write, “I wish to spit on her, as she speaks,” it could be so much more graphic.

Cheers, take care.

Dear Cinderella

I've read quite deeply into this now and feel able to comment. I'll break my comment into two distinct sections, things that I think make your writing distinctive and interesting, basically things I liked and then suggestions for further developments.

Your writing is very strongly flavoured, this could be a good thing or a bad thing. It is very distinctive, sassy and spiky, a bit like your heroine in this re-imaged fairy story. The sentences are almost fragmentary at times, so tightly edited that they almost begin to feel as if they are missing words, small, insignificant pronouns yes, but the tension they are under in terms of editorial tightness seemed to cross the line sometimes into them losing some of their precision and ability to dress it with words. Almost like you were being too hard on them, too strongly flavoured in your voice. The internal narrative works very well, we have a three-dimensional experience of your new Cinderella from the inside very quickly, the descriptions of her hair, her sisters and her dreams were all particularly stand out and impressive for me. She is raunchy, she is beguiling and she is formidable. A great character, well drawn. Important that, for a story which we essentially know what happens.

Your writing style certainly brings a freshness to this story, the characters are all wonderfully flawed and real in a way they never are in those over-exposed fairy stories from when we were kids. I do worry about the obviousness of the narrative journey, I am sure you have built in twists and turns along the way, perhaps she doesn't get Prince Charming or some such. The main issue you will face is getting people to read this when they think they know the ending. A bit like James Cameron's Titanic, the problem he had to overcome was we all knew where it was going to end, but in a three hour film he did manage to pull off a narrative that kept most of us engaged and not simply waiting for the ship to sink. I noticed you bring in the slipper fitting scene early on, wrong-footing my sense of the traditional narrative structure for this story, which is a good thing. If you keep doing that as the story unfurls then I really think you are onto something and can pull this off.

Personally, while I loved the style of your pitch, I think you have done the fragmentary sentence thing there and it was slightly off-putting (in a piece of writing that should be enticing me to read deeper, not good). I was also not convinced about starting with her rather pretentious letter, too fragmentary and too erudite for me, I wanted to say to her - Get On With It.

Generally, really strong writing, loved the fragmentary sassy style where it was padded with enough words to make sense. It irked me sometimes that I had to go back and re-read sections because you were assuming too much knowledge in the reader's head, although having said that I think that problem or treating the reader with lots of respect and assuming they will follow your train of thought is much better than the opposite, dripping adjectives and adverbs all over them until they drown.

So overall, liked it. Like marmite I reckon your writing, people will either like or they won't, it'll provoke quite strong reactions. But I would look at the pitch and the opening letter, I found both of them quite off-putting.

Best of luck and best wishes
Andrew W
(Benevolence)

Read to chapter eleven, and very much enjoying the dream/nightmare sequences. I think they're the best parts of the writing so far. I also like Elle better now. Gavin's coming across mondo unstable, but I'm pretty sure that's intentional?
I'll give more detailed thoughts when I'm finished what's posted.

Just from the first chapter, I could tell that you have real talent. The scatterness of thoughts, the contradictions in thoughts of this character, the raw, emotional power... Thoughts:
"She seems sickly today" - if you separate that out as a sentence, it would be extremely powerful. "He will be happy" - should be its own sentence too. Breaking some of those sentences to separate the more distinct thoughts from some of the scattered others will help the grittiness of the prose.
The repetition of the grandmother's advice is so strong, so haunting and creepy - it's makes you think she was a sick woman. "Wipe away the fragrance" - what a weird little detail and why? love it. "She's quite fond of me now and lately" - yes!
Now, on the subject of the Cinderella version. Honestly - it could work for you or against you. The good news is that if the plot is consistent and if the weirdness and hauntedness stay strong, you can slap any label on it and it will sell like hot cakes. Try reading "Oranges are not the only fruit" - this book, although completely differently themed, is written in a similar manner. Rip off her methods of weirdness shamelessly - they're gold.
I'm pretty sure I'll keep reading to see where this goes. For now, fantastic job, refreshing read, clap clap.

Elena Y.

I like this a lot. Very emotional and powerful. Great job.
WA

Your writing style is memorable. It's stream of conscience and poetic. It's a little unclear what action is going on and what the setting looks like, but you get deep inside Bryn's head. For an audience interested in dark romance, I can see this being an attractive read. You just have to market it to that target audience.

I'll back it. Good luck.

Brian Bandell
Mute

I knew from just reading the pitch that this wasn't your everyday retell of Cinderella. Honestly, I like this version so much more. I think it more suited for adults :) I really enjoyed your writing style. It was lyrical, and smooth as if I was reading a well versed poem rather than a book. The emotions were also so raw and real that I tangled up in the story in the very first chapter. Why doesn't he love her??? lol I need to know! I look forward to reading more.

Savannah

I be the mini read swap person. Read the first six chapters, and here are my thoughts in a semi-structured way.

Plot: Vague but intriguing. Seems fairly straightforward, from what's been revealed so far, but in a good way. I find myself genuinely interested to know why Amelia was posing as a servant.

Characters: I think the prince is my favourite so far. He just seems like a nice guy lol. The distant mother has been well-characterised even though she hasn't been introduced yet, and the same for the philandering Bryn. As for the main character, I find that I can't decide if she's nice or sort of morally ambiguous. If that was intentional, then well done.

Style: Very original. I had two issues with it though: there were a fair few errors, and I sometimes found it very hard to picture the scene, although it didn't bother me that much. But the sort of stream-of-consciousness narrative of the main character did do a very good job at conveying her confused thoughts. And I did find the whole thing very easy to read, in a good way, so that must mean the style worked.

Overall, definitely an entertaining read.

I like to think I'm poetic .....now I don't think I just read DEAR CINDERELLA.

DEAR CINDERELLA ignited guilty smile ...."Do you falsely love me now"?

I'm still reading.....5 chapters to go.

I really like this story. You have an unusual style. Dark and dreamy I think it works really well.

Paul

I've read quite a bit of this actually and I've got the jist of your writing and the story I think. Normally when you read "____ story retold," you think that it will still be just like the usual story, but yours is completely different. The writing has a wonderful dark feel to it. Even though in the begining I really had to pay attention and think about what I was reading, I still kept reading because I think that the language and the emotions of the characters are so grasping. Best of luck with this, it is on my shelf!!

Brittany E.
Melaney and the Mirror/ My Last Notes

I tried to get into this, but after the first two chapters, I just really don't think this is a read for me. There's too much intraspection (sp?) For my taste. Good luck with it though.

I LOVE your title!

So much strength and feeling in your first chapter. Your style is different and may be hard to follow by some. but to me it came off very bold and I could feel the MC's pain and anger. This is strong writing of a young girl scorned and humilated by her first love. A first love is hard enough to get over but it seems this one man went too far when he obviously did not care for the MC as she cared for him. I am giving this high stars and I will back it soon.

Jennie Lyne Hiott

Deborah, I love the dark, twisted quality that you have embedded in this tale. Elle is so very different from the fairytale Cinderella and much more grown up. I've read to the end of chapter eight so understand more about the relationship and events between Bryn, Elle and Amelia. In the early chapters, I didn't have that history but it was still very clear that Bryn has broken Elle's heart and played with Amelia's. Elle is so bitter. I love how Elle's perception of Amelia begins to change and how she is first introduced to her prince, who is very far from the dashing royalty we are accustomed to in the tale.

The mother and sisters come across as perfectly hideous and that scene with Opal and the pig's foot is very effective. I really enjoyed the imagery in chapter 3 of the mother and sisters as the seasons and earth.

I did stumble with the tense a few times and there are quite a few small errors (which are easily rectified), such as, in Ch 1 - 'Now the rumours get worst each each' - worse and in Ch 5 'Maybe woman grow into adulthood, faster' - women, there are also some places where there is no space after the punctuation, as in Ch 6 - 'I have never had anyone care about me enough to pray for me, I tell her,"I will do the same for you and your babe."

I am no expert writer but as a reader I do feel this requires some tightening. However, you have a great story and characters which are very effective at drawing the reader in and keeping them interested.

Oh my ... Oh my oh my ... I've had this on my WL for a week or so after seeing your sham less plug, this morning I'm going through reading those that really caught my attention. I have to admit, I'm not a massive fan of your book cover, but to me, that's ancillary and not important,
Your pitch hooked me and curiously I opened the first chapter. BAM! it was fast, fascinating and deliciously written. as I read chapters 2 3 4 and 5 a myriad of emotions and thoughts washed over me.

great stuff, I'm coming back to read the rest, but let me tell you, its tough struggling with my self control and not just devour this in one sitting! Unfortunately work calls ...
Just ... Brilliant

I have read half the book so far and I am really intrigued. It kind of reminds me of the Ann Rice re-telling of "Sleeping Beauty". I like how your character has a strong voice and his obviously bitter and strong. You have a gift for words that I wish I had. I know you want constructive comments instead of just glowing about the story.

* It took me awhile to figure out who was who as a matter of fact several chapters before I sorted out what was going on. I know your story isn't supposed to be a linear kind of tale, but be ware that there might people out there that might get frustrated and give up. You might want to throw a couple of nuggets the readers way to help the figure out what is going on. However, the mystery kept me reading.

* There seem to be several places where you change the POV in the middle of the chapter. When that happened I had to go back and re-read and ensure that I knew who was speaking. You might want to make these transitions clearer to the reader.

* There is one point that you refer to the Prince or the Queen as your heinous. Did you mean that? It should be your highness.

I am going to read more. The book is very dark and brooding (I don't mean that in a bad way) and I think with some editing (I have the same issue) you could do very well.

Great job!

Enraptured, you have left me utterly enraptured by this compelling tale. The first two chapters are swift and leaving me begging for more. The tale is dark and rich with vibrant emotion. Every detail is revealed naturally and fraught with depth. You character has me rooting for her already, I don't know much about her- other than she is dirt poor and has been hurt badly by a man, but she is still alive and kicking, ready to spit in love's face. It will be interesting where you take it.

Excellent, backed, enjoyed, and starred!
-Christian Rogue

Deb, you have a gift that few writers anywhere possess. Every single word on each page you write is rich with emotion-- it fills the gaps and swells within the reader until one can't possibly help but be in awe. I'm not talking about imagery or description, which for the most part are skills any writer can learn. You have the innate talent of imbuing your prose with power.

I'm sure there are grammatical and spelling errors here, but really it's impossible to try and focus on these things-- the current of your prose is so strong it sweeps me away. I haven't read enough of your story to judge marketability, but you really have a true gift, and I think you will do great things with it someday.

Good luck.

Jasmine.

This writing is unlike anything I've ever read, and I mean that in the very best way. It's so lyrical and easy to get lost in. Some people might not get it but that's true with any writing. The story is great, love the dialogue and characters. You've got a talent here and something very unique. I wish you luck with this!

I'm giving it stars for now and one day, when I'm caught up, I hope to support it by shelving it. It's beautiful, remember that if anyone on this site tells you different.

Missy

i read the first three chapters and this is an interesting idea for a book. i love how precisely you describe the dream she has. wonderful imagery- i couldnt imagine how you even thought of that. i love the name evelyn as well- its so pretty. i think you have a good balance between dialogue and description as well. i wasnt a fan of your long pitch though. i read it and didnt feel hooked- i almost felt confused, like it was just a bunch of empty words with no meaning. maybe im the only who didnt get it, so dont take this to heart.
i wish you the very best of luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut instincts

Deborah,
I read the material on the first four files of Dear Cinderella. It's quite a fanciful tale with a chamber maid who can carry the lead and has quite a challenge in her mission to save Amelia. I enjoyed her visit to the tailor's shop and the surprise crystal slippers he gives her. They are a special gift for a chamber maid who appears to be no ordinary servant. You describe them is such exquisite detail that I could picture them shining like diamonds. You write in such a unique style and I wanted to read more of this Gothic tale than time would allow as there is so much mystery woven into the account. Six stars for originality of the storyline and an enchanting twist on the classic Cinderella tale. This story has much more allure than the classic tale as your protagonist has a very complex psychology and her troubled state of mind is described in a way which makes the reader want to know what has happened to Elle in the past which has brought her to where she is now.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story