Five and a Half Tons

Where are the great detective story writers? Here.

Hi John,

I felt, given how useful your comments will be to me when I get back to Edinburgh and start rewriting, that I should give your other book a read. I had intended to take notes and comment on chapters as you did for me, but I found this to be so good that I became so engrossed in it that I gave up on that idea so as to enjoy the story. This is fantastic - its is impossible to get away from. I've read 20 chapters and it is exquisite in every facet - wit, humour, narrative, character, etc. I loved it. Its so unusual, so quirky and just feels so fresh.

It started in such an unusual way and the way in which you learn the information, the swap between the past and Willis really makes for fast reading. And the protagonist is so strange yet so fascinating that he also acts as a draw into it.

The only problem I can see is the time frame- and thats marvellous, it really is and is a major good point of the book - where he opens with being shot at as if it were happening that moment, yet as the story progresses he tells points such as in the pub after this has happened and left the interview with Willis. Its not a big deal at all, but slightly irked me at times.

The second minor thing to raise is when looking at the pictures of Yvonne, he says something along the lines of we know what that means - about admirers. But I wasn't sure what it meant? Did it mean rape and murder, kidnapping, or that she ran off with another lover?

But this is an incredibly good story and I will have to finish it. You kept me distracted from the book I'm reading now, and I won't be able to read it while I've still got half of what you've uploaded here. One of the best books I've come across on authonomy.

Joe

Hi John,
I've seen your posts on some of the forum threads and decided to check out your book. I didn't know you have more than one. I read your pitches, and I liked the pitch for Five and a Half Tons best, so I started reading. This is really good. It's action packed, moves swiftly, and really captures the reader's attention from the very beginning. Stringer is having a really bad time, and yet I feel a sense of humor. He is really likable and I want to find out what happened to make Mr.Boesmann (if that's his real name) shoot at him. I suspect this will be a great story. I've read five chapters so far and I'll be back to read more when I have time.
Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Hello John,
Chaps 1-5.
Chapter length, cnstruction and end of chapter hook are all appealing.
Pace is swift, action at times dialogue driven and the POV does not feel affected, which is hard to pull off in with the 1st person.
It's all very slick, facile and you chuckle along.
And that is what its stated aims are and in this sense you have succeeded. Personally I'd be more intrigued with something darker thrown into the mix but, as I say, the reader knows the ingredigents before setting off.
Improvements? Generally a couple of words too long in one or two sentences per paragraph. The overall effect is, I think, to make the MC garrulous but that sould mean the narrative is tighter when the opportunity arrives ie the descriptive parts (I'm thinking now abot the Policeman's physical description.
Overall very good though.
On my WL and high stars.
John
Dropping Babies - would appreciate a return read, John.

There's some really strong points to this manuscript. You've done a fantastic job. First off, the voice just jumps off the page. I love the voice of your main character, savvy, witty, and amusing. Top notch! Second, I really enjoyed the chapter lengths. I found myself reading beyond what I expected. It's great for online reading and before I know it I've plunged on to the next chapter to figure out what will happen! Third, I love how you just dropped me into the action from chapter 1. Loved it!

This is a great piece, not in my usual genre, but very enjoyable. Starred highly.
-Christian Rogue (Beastia)

A well wriiten, fast-paced, interesting/entertaining story with lots of dry humour and wry observation. I love it. High stars and on my Book shelf. Yours Bea

Dear John

Five chapters in, I am still enjoying your book. Your writing is clean, enjoyable and easy to get into. I like the background humour and wry observation, all of which make your story very appealing. All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

Quirky and original. One of the best I've come across so far.

I like the concept and story line. Good luck!

Hi, John, I'm not normally one for first person POV, but after reading the first five chapters I found 51/2 tons quite engaging.
The character Stringer is immediately appealing and the comedy you laced through his story enhances the reader's acceptance of him. Perhaps a little cliche with the bawling Willis, but what's a detective novel without a man like that, anyway?
I hope my backing and star rating helps it on its way to an HC review, as I look forward to reading that, too.

All my best, John,
Lisa. x

Just ran through the whole of this in one evening, and I'm dying to read the rest. It reminded me a little bit of Kyril Bonfiglioli's books (of which I'm a huge fan).

I'm not entirely sure about the opening - as someone said down there, it's a great deal easier to buy into further along. There was something about the first paragraph or two that seemed a bit creative writing-y to me. But it seems like other people thought it was their favourite bit, so perhaps it's just an issue of personal preference. In any case, six stars and I've backed it.

Very good job! I read all 40 chapters and liked them all. The story is clever and I can't wait to see what happens next!

Beth Davis
I Never Saw It Coming

Chapter 1 did not disappoint! Good job. One small thing (in para 8) the word 'had' may be out of place?? "Had someone else had been strolling by..."

Beth Davis
I Never Saw It Coming

Great pitch! I can't wait to read more!

This is one of the best on site! It is masterly contrived, the humour is refreshing and brilliant and the narrative is captivating. A great piece of work. Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard, The Cross of Goa

Hi, John, I wasn't sure I was really qualified to judge your work (crime is not generally my genre) but I was pleasantly surprised. This is enjoyable stuff. I read your first three chapters, plus the last. And guess which chapter I enjoyed most? Yes, the last. Apart from missing speech marks in a few paras, this is great show-and-tell writing - I liked it a lot. And that image of Stringer leaping from roof to roof like a character in a Chinese fantasy film was hysterical. Same goes for that 'cracking opening line' which Whoster mentioned - I really haven't seen a better one on Authonomy (sorry Jon Michaels, you've just been pipped!). Yes, there are still some tense issues (I can address those separately if you like?) and yes, the crisp prose of chap 40 is less evident in the early chapters, but you've got a great character here - fussy, truculent, schoolboy-cheeky - with a highly engaging 'voice'. Anyone who can engage the reader in a chatty bullet-by-bullet account of being shot at from a bedroom window gets my vote, lol!

Five stars from me, will be back.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

That was a really refreshing opening chapter, John. I thought that was a cracking opening line to begin the story, and the first person narrative was engaging and witty - you used some smashing analogies there. Sorry I haven't time to read more, but this looks like a very worthy piece of writing. The only tiny gripe I've got is an excessive use of semi-colons. I'm a fully paid up member of the semi-colon fan club, but I wonder if you could do away with a couple of them so as to slightly help the flow? Just a personal opinion, and my credentials as a critic are pretty rubbish. Best of luck with this, I'm sure it'll get plenty of support. Six stars to help it on its way.

Pete

Five and a Half Tons

I've read quite far into this now and think I have read enough to be able to leave a useful comment. The fastidious, obsessive and garrulous character you've created here most certainly has legs. I see that those legs have already taken him in and out of three books. The light-hearted tone is well done, the amusing metaphors and similies are also well done. The structure of your narrative with the action scene opening and the gentle arc round in chapters 1 and 2 to get us back to the beginning of the story is well done too. You have a lovely character here, idiosyncratic and very engaging. I am sure there is a good market for this kind of story, reminscent for me of some of Tom Sharpe's stuff with a dash of the gentle Midsomer Murders mid-range murder mystery thrown in.

My suggestions are around that one final - yes, I know, I know, this has been edited to death - look at the extremely plump sentences you have created here. He is garrulous, neurotic and very particular and you certainly don't want to lose that style, it holds the story together very strongly. He feels like a man whose sock drawer would be alphabeticized by colour as well as his DVD collection. But I think it could still flow more smoothly still by putting your sentences on a slightly lower word-count diet. For example, excuse the liberty, but I took a couple of your sentences and diddled with them to see if I could still retain that some loquacious style which I am sure fans would really come to love, while speeding up the pace or beat of some sentences. So here goes:

If I had to sum up Inspector Willis' current demeanour in a single phrase, then I would say he resembled a grizzly bear with a particular issue to settle with a small blonde girl whom he suspects of filching his porridge.
(around 40 words)

Might become in a supportive and carefully practiced piece of pruning to go with the grain of your lovely narrative voice:

Inspector Willis' expression resembled that of a grizzly bear who'd just walked into his kitchen to find a small blonde girl filching porridge.
(Around 23 words)

And, another example:

All at once, Willis banged the table with the flat of his hand. I believe he was only trying to my attention; but in my state of nerves, people should really take more care when making loud noises like that. The fact that I didn't have an immediate heart attack has to be something of a miracle in itself.
(57 words)

Might become are gentle weeding:

Willis banged the table with a-snap-out-of-it-man expression on his face. In my state the fact I did not have an immediate heart attack was a miracle.
(31 words)

In both examples it's a halving of the word count (well almost). I have tried to do this in the spirit of your character but you of course will do a much better job than me as you have had his internal voice speaking inside your head for years no doubt. I am hoping at least some of that was useful. My bet would be that after a similar gentle editorial simmering across the piste you would end up with a leaner, meaner and more easily digestible read but retaining your character's central garrulous nature.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Benevolence)

Just read the first 2 chapters... promising stuff, but I did feel that some of your sentences tended to ramble on a bit too much; I realise that your hero is something of a comedy figure, and enjoyed sharing a few of his reactions to what was happening to him, but it was a little long-winded at times. I smiled at the allusion to Goldilocks and the three bears; some good moments and I shall be shortly adding it to my growing watchlist.

Hi John,

I had fun reading this: an appealing first person voice,unusual use of present tense and the beginnings of an intriguing plot. It ticks all the boxes for this genre, including the dry wit and proliferation of quirky similes (some of which are hit and miss, but who am I to talk!). And as others have said, the short chapters work very well - wish I'd thought of that! I also like the way 'back story' is filtered in as we go rather than dumping it in ch1 and 2.

My only concern with chapter one, is a slight feeling of disengagement with the action; as if the narrator is describing the scene from a safe place, after the event - this is clearly a deliberate 'sang froid' aspect of the 'voice', but it did create a bit too much separation between the MC and his environment.

Another reviewer mentioned 'tense' issues in ch2 (para 3 being an example, although I can see why it is written this way) so I won't dwell on these - but there is also an incidence of this towards the end of chapter 1: you write 'I wasn't' which is past tense, presumably because 'I isn't' doesn't make sense. You could change it to say, 'Luckily, not this time' instead, or some such, to keep the tense consistent.

Overall, a distinctive and very British re-working of the genre. Hats off ...

Terry

Great voice. A few typos (became/become in first sentence) but humorous. You use a lot of cliches which isn't normally a great idea but I think might work for you. Just don't let it replace original wit. Love the cover, that's what caught my attention in the first place. I found the pitch dreadfully similiar to other detective stories so it's really your narrative voice that sets you apart.

Good luck!

A nice narrative voice in here. I love the humor, it made me chuckle a couple times. It fits with this kind of book. I'm intrigued enough after 3 chapters to want to read on. I see this going some exciting places. I do think you can tighten up a little, it felt a little wordy in place. Not to where it distracts from the story, just an idea for a way to improve it a little. Otherwise, it's great!!

Starred for now and I'll shelve it when I get all caught up ;)
Missy

Very strong voice. Witty thoughts come from your narration. I smiled several times at your sarcasm especially when he is describing his occupation. Get a great sense of the main character through the first person perspective. Only criticism is your wordiness. Could easily condense the first two chapters. On the other hand, other readers would argue this gives the main character more depth. Love the short chapters. Easy and clear reading. Well done.
Dina from The Last Degree and Halo of the Damned

Hi John,
The title is very eye catching. Love your style, very suited to the private eye novel. I'm a huge fan of Raymond Chandler, therefore the missing wife theme fits the genre perfectly.
Easy to read with a wide appeal, I enjoyed the read.
Good luck with your editing.
Five stars.

Carole

John,

you said this isn't everyone's cup of tea, well... I could read-drink the whole teapot in a day!

It definitely is my thing. I write plays among other things, and I can see this on stage -I've read the first four chapters. You 'll probably have people saying that you use too many adverbs and adjectives and blah blah blah... I think it's good comedy when you do it right.

I 'll come around to read more. For now you earned six stars and a spot on my shelf in the next reshuffle.
Excellent work, John.

Yannis

Hi John,
This looks different and interesting. I'm behind with my comments so if you can bear with me until the end of the week.

Carole

easy to read, interesting. you write clearly and enable us to enter your story...
this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Thanks very much for your kind comments and your support.

The novel is more or less complete in draft, but I want to give it a bit more polish before I upload any more, but hopefully the next batch of chapters will go up soon.

easy to read, interesting. you write clearly and enable us to enter your story...
this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

I read all that you’ve posted and found it a very enjoyable read. By the end, the plot was thickening very nicely. I thought the first chapter was a great start, and I particularly enjoyed the line about mistaken identity.

The second chapter was a little more patchy. It mixes past and present tenses too much (and there’s a bit of this mixing in later chapters, too). I think an edit to sort these out would be good. Also, in Ch.2, Willis does actually sound reasonably sympathetic, despite what the opening para says. Maybe you could have Willis more accusing – as though he’s virtually implying the shooting is Stringer’s fault. Is there a history between these two? It would be useful to know. From subsequent chapters it appears there is a history. So, maybe Willis could start with something like “You’re in big trouble this time, Stringer”, and Stringer surprised by this and on the defensive, given he’s the one who’s been shot at.

I like the nice short chapters, which makes it really easy to read on screen. Perhaps it’s a little overwritten here and there a needs little tightening up, but is fun nevertheless.

I laughed at the endings of Ch.14 and Ch.17.

One part that didn’t ring true was Stringer’s surprise in Ch.23 at Ms Boesmann’s lack of emotion about the late Mr Boesmann. After all, hasn’t she just left him and told Stringer that she hates him and never wants to see him again? So her lack of emotion would appear to be well in character and not really a big mystery.

Also, I’m not buying the Boesmann-shot-at-Stringer-and-then-shot-himself business. I am suspecting a third party, name unknown, was involved. Is this the reaction you are at the expecting from your reader? If not, then maybe you need to plant some stronger evidence for Boesmann having actually shot himself (eg forensics, GSR, etc).

I spotted a few typos along the way, and I’ll send these to you separately in a message.

On the whole, the story is good fun and the plot it suitably convoluted. A bit of tightening, particularly in the early chapters, would make this a real joy. I wish you luck with it and am happy to back it.