Burn, Forest City, Burn

SF42

I read the first four chapters, and, as requested in your pitch, will be ignoring the nitpicky stuff (which I'm sure you'll catch when you go back and edit). Overall, I think you have an interesting idea here, reminiscent of the X-Files with the cops investigating seemingly paranormal activity. I think that, given the nature of your story, which seems to be something of a thriller, you should shorten the first chapter with its backstories and histories in favor of diving straight into the mystery. That's your hook - the fact that there's a potentially supernatural pyromaniac out there, and I think you should bring that up as early as possible and then fill in the details later.

Your dialogue flows well, but I wonder whether all the f-bombs are necessary. Used well, they give a character attitude, but used too much and they just kind of seem contrived. I know that a lot of cop stories use copious amounts of swearing and that does add a degree of authenticity to the characters' voices, but it just seems a bit overdone. By holding back a bit, each one will pack more of a punch and do more to express a character's anger/frustration/whatever.

There doesn't seem to be much in the way of narrative, as so far most of your manuscript is dialogue. While that's fine for the most part, it just seems as though the non-dialogue sections lack a particular narrative voice or perspective. I'm not sure who the main character is meant to be, as everyone seems to have a relatively equal share of the story so far.

That being said, I think you do a great job of setting up the world in which your story takes place, and I like how you mix fantasy and sci-fi. You keep things familiar and relatable while crafting a unique story. Good luck with this!

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

This books makes you think. That is good for some readers, depends on who you think your audience is going to be. You are onto something but it might take a bit more work to bring it all out in a way that your audience understands. All in all your imagination and your clear sense of what you're seeing and showing the reader will cary the day.

BURN, FOREST CITY, BURN
This is an interesting story. I like the way you introduce your fantasy world a little at a time, mostly through people’s thoughts or dialogue rather than putting in a prolog or a long first introductory chapter to explain all that. It’s obvious you’ve lived in this world for a long time; the reason you’re able to do that so effortlessly. Your characters are well fleshed out; I think you’ll find an audience for this among young adult fantasy readers. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

I like the premise of your story and that you've taken up the challenge of mixing magic and sci-fi together along with alternate realities and the story is being played out in one that is different from our own, but i do feel at times while trying to explain this interestingly original world, some of your dialogue can get a little confusing, maybe it is because your story is set in such a unique form that you have to tell you reader in such detail whats happening, where they are and whats going on with quite long explantions. That said i love the charter of Gabriel, his don't give a crap just doing my job attitude, was great to read. I also like the way the history in this world seems to have played out so differently to our own and that was really intriguing to read :-)

SF42 review

I liked the tone and setting of this, as well as the ideas behind it. It is very readable, although I felt the history lessons in Ch.1 could have been cut down quite drastically (both the one at the start and the one at the end). I thought they both slowed things down and they related information that I can’t possibly keep it in my head (so were slightly wasted on the likes of me). I would have been happy just to know that we are in an alternate (alternative) reality and that its history, and consequently its present, are very different from our own.

I wondered whether the Unexplained Phenomenon Division should be the Unexplained Phenomena Division – or is there only the one unexplained phenomenon?

I was a little surprised when, in Ch.3, Gabriel first demonstrated his magic with the fire and no one reacted. At all. The conversation just carried on regardless. I liked his second trick, and at least this time he got a reaction. :-)

I got lost a little in Ch.4, sometimes not knowing who was speaking.

I read the first four chapters. As I read Ch.2-4, I kept wondering at the relevance of Ch.1 to the story. It seems to be there just to set the scene, to tell us that we’re in another reality, and introduce us to the two main characters and their new assignment. I kept worrying about what happened to the Japanese guy, but I guess he’s not really that important(?). If this is so, perhaps Ch.1 cut be cut dramatically (or removed altogether?). Perhaps get to the meat of the story faster, by going with the pyromancer theme right away.

There were a few typos, which I will send you separately in a message.

Anyway, the story has certainly left me wanting to know what happens next, so that’s a good sign. I wish you the best of luck with this.

Hi David,

I finally have the chance to check out your book. So sorry it’s taken so long. Below are my findings/comments. They are, of course, my humblest opinions and should be taken for whatever they’re worth.

“Pyromancer” should be lowercased. It’s not a proper noun here as you’re speaking in generics.

This short pitch is two sentences connected with a comma. Should be a period after “Cleveland.”

Don’t need names in the short pitch. Keep it clean and crisp.

The SP could be stronger with better hard-hitting verbs. Perhaps “A crazed pyromancer wreaks havoc on Cleveland. A magic and federal agent combine forces to stop him.” Or something like that.

Don’t need “and” in that first sentence of the long pitch

Whoah! That first paragraph is one, six-lined, run-on sentence. Parse it out a bit or conden
se. This is your pitch. You want crisp, clean sentences with a focus on hooks. They shouldn’t be tedious to read.

“Mundane” and “Magical” should be lowercased

Chapter One

I saw your note about this being a first draft, so I’m reading past the grammatical errors and focusing on story from here on out.

The first sentence doesn’t make sense. I know it’s a rough draft, but this is an important sentence. They looked between each other? What’s between them? Do you mean they looked at each other? And, are they also looking at the cybernetic guards and attendants? Because as it is written, I’m waiting to know what the guards and attendants are doing.

I know, I know, another grammar point, but it’s a generic one to be aware of. Your second paragraph starts off with similar sentences of she, she and they (and then he after that). Too many pronouns to begin sentences with. Maybe vary it up a bit.

The dialogue is very good, but the character imagery could be amped up a bit.

When editing, maybe do some out loud reads. A lot of details are thrown together and sometimes get unclear. Other parts are tedious, but I think that can be fixed with a good grammar and punctuation scrub.

I think there’s too much telling and not enough showing, especially in the historical aspects. Let us get to know the characters better and gradually enlighten us to the historical stuff.

I love the premise and direction and think the dialogue is on the right track, but I think some good scrubbing will really help bring the positive aspects out and make the read cleaner. Right now, your readers are hitting some stumbling blocks, but that’s a first draft for ya. We’re all in the same boat there.

Best of luck with this! It’s got great potential.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

David,

I'm slowly trying to make my way through the books on the Paranormal thread.

The alternate realities and the redistribution of the US are cool ideas with a lot of potential. It still needs a little polish, but there is great promise in the plot. The advice to read your story out loud is over used. But it's good advice and I think it may help you, if you haven't done it already.

I jot notes when I read. Here are the places I stumbled.


I got a little hung up at the very beginning. I didn't know right off if "She could see and feel" referred to one of the two humans or attendants. Same with "he." Changing the "two humans" to Susie and Gabriel might alleviate this. If you still need to establish they're human, you certainly can find a way to do this.

The sentence that starts "What was new Spain . . ." Is a bit confusing the way it's punctuated. It's hard to read and I had to do so several times to grasp the full meaning. I'm far form an expert on punctuation, but it may be easier to read with a period after G R of Texas. The subject of the next sentence being and understood 'It".
And a period after M o S Texas (this one is definitely a comma splice)

Same thing with The sentence that starts "Here the nations . . ." It's full off comma splices, technically 8 sentences that would be easier to read if they were separated. You're building a complicated alternate reality. It's clear to you, but you don't want to make it more difficult for your reader to grasp by running all the details together.

1-Here, . . . coalition.

2-The Imperials . . . (most) experienced troops.

3--I'm uncertain here because there is a typo -- "constantly rotation" If this is supposed to be "Constantly rotating" then the comma after Colonies is correct and the next period comes after "Coalition Army."

4--Militias were . . .reality.

5--Long story short, when . . .broke out, the . . .gusto.

6--The Canadian remained . . . born.

7--Their army was well . . . uniform.

8--George the Fifth . . .okay, but . . .war.

Best,
Bill
HAKTAW HEART

SF42

Hi David

I have read the first chapter. Quite a bit of the writing needs looking at in your next edit, just to correct spellings and make sure sentences flow properly, but overall, I think it is good. I like having magic in a mostly realistic world. Anyway, my notes:

"Almost BY half an hour BY my count." This could do with rewriting.

'"The or seekers(') predictions have never been wrong; I doubt....''

I think you could do with using more contractions in dialogue to make it more natural.

'...with the Council(,) "(p)rophecy will attend to itself in () good time.'

'...English from those realities(.)'

'intake'

I don't think anything is obvious to the man.

'"You heard right(,)" (s)he said with a sigh.'

Her interupting is annoying me as much as his strange predjudice against an entirely different reality. I can't imagine professionals bickering like little children.

You don't partake information.

I'm not convinced the huge amount of history is necessary. It's fairly unrealistic that they'd just spout it all at someone who wouldn't yet have even fully grasped that he's not in his own world anymore, and I just don't think it is needed. Perhaps just the modern history that is actually relevant.

I'm not sure who's POV this whole chapter is in. I thought it was Susie's, but then a bit later it seems to be Hensei's.

The sentence about the twin towers makes no sense at all.

The writing seems to have taken a turn for the worse from this point on, to be honest. Quite a bit of spelling errors - 'where' instead of 'were', for example. I'm guessing you just wrote it out as fast as possible to get it out of your head, without worrying about technicalities. That's what I do.

You again start listing differences. Don't. Either don't tell us at all anything that isn't relevant and important, or show us. For example, because Hensei is from New York, it makes sense to mention that they are in their own equivilent, but then you don't need to specify what the differences are. It takes away from the story apart from anything. If something you mention doesn't match what we know of New York, then we'll know it's because it's in another reality.

It all reminds me a little bit of Fringe. The premise is good, and I think will a few edits this will do well. Good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Well, you certainly have a very great imagination, seeing as you were able to rearrange the entire world in just one chapter! Amazing. It's like I landed on a different planet.
I did have some trouble following the descriptions of the different places. Maybe a prologue where the geographical shift is explained would help readers understand. Then you could plunge into the story quicker.
I've seen that sort of thing done in other books. A little map drawn with the new names for areas would be easier to absorb, than the complicated descriptions.
You have built really unique characters.
Best wishes, Orma

Hullo David,

As promised, here's my critique for the first two chapters...may change as I progress.

I can see that this is probably the first draft of your story as I can see quite a few spelling/syntax errors.

I like the world you have crafted, with all the similarities and differences with our world. It seems like quite a bleak world with a tense balance between the 'mundanes' and users of magic. The characters are well described and you have succeeded in conveying their personalities. You have tried and done a good jof fusing sci-fi, fantasy and suspense.

Two things, however, are potential causes for concern. The first is the profuse use of dialogue. I think you need to look at the balance between narrative and dialogue. The second chapter, for example, is almost entirely dialogue. I think the over use of it slows down the story a bit and you could speed it up by using a bit more narrative to explain things. Your attempt to explain as much as possible in the first chapter through dialogue is also a bit too obvious.

The second point is that the first chapter is a bit heavy in detail. I know you want to explain the setting sufficiently before you jump into the story. But for readers, overdoing it can be exhausting since they don't know which parts are important or relevent for the rest of the story and, hence, they feel the need to absorb as much as possible. The description is also a bit heavy and slows down the story. For example, you used a whole paragraph to describe Gabriel lighting a cigar. Also, is the ethnic background of each member of the council really necessary?

You have a good grasp of history and I appreciate the research done for this story. There are many elements that are very attractive, not least the setting and your various 'what if' historical scenarios.

Also, you could also join a sci-fi forum, of which I am a member called SF42. The folks over there are usually quite good with giving honest and detailed feedback.

http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/76682/science-fiction-critique-group-sf42/

I've backed and starred your story, and I'll come back again to read more.

Good luck

Ed
The Imperialists

Mr. Muir

This was a delightful read so far. I do enjoy a good action/mystery/scifi/fantasy book when I can come across them. This is worthy of my praises. There are some small grammar issues, but that is hardly worth stressing. The chapters could use some editing for grammar, the content, though, is fine. I enjoyed your twist on the Arthurian legend. I love it when authors can incorporate it into their work, and I can see that things are going to begin getting interesting. I hope, truly hope that you don't just stop and deprive us of the rest of the book like so many authors do. Posting work on here, I believe, should entail the entire thing. How else can we know if the conclusions to our work pass the test of the public?

Do keep up the good work, mind your tenses, and have a good friend help with editing. That always helps. I have had many friends help me on the original versions of my work, and it still needs some work.

You've got a good thing going, keep up the good work!

--Arion

original futurist yarm, written very well with direct language, effective dialogue...an enjoyable read that is worth my backing,,,
read SEASONS...

Ok, first off - in case anyone accuses me of backing your book because you backed mine - this is NOT the case.

I've chosen to back this as I love sci-fi, love fantasy and love good dialogue - this is a great read and I've got as far as chapter 5. This has everything that I enjoy in a book, we're thrown into the story and subtly led through the history and background.
Gabriel and Susie rock, I love the way they seem to bat off each other, especially in the first chapter when they are giving the "history lesson."

I'm not going to comment on the editing or grammar as I don't think this as been edited and is still in the early raw stages.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - grammar can be taught, great story telling is a talent.

You have the talent, I want to read more.