Chocolate Cake Dreams

I like the premise of your novel - a chocolate cake that takes us back. It has the makings of a really sensual piece of writing where you can use  taste as a handy mechanism to go back and forth through time. (Have you read "the peculiar silence of lemon cake", by the way?)
Your novel starts with what is essentially a prologue, although it isn't called that, and I'm never sure about that. If the book was a film, this would make a great first scene and way into the story, but as a book, I am much more intrigued and drawn in by "It was strange how the things you thought would hardly ever matter..."Also, the first few pages are chunks of text with a lot of backstory - could you lighten it up with a bit more dialogue maybe, with more showing rather than telling? That would also help us empathise with Theya and care about her and her story. 
Tiny nit - girl guides are called Girl Guides in England too! I think we have scouts, and possibly girl scouts, as well, but that's a different thing... 
I hope this is helpful, but if not, feel free to ditch it and ignore me - after all I'm an unpublished novelist! ;)

I love the ideas here, and Theja is a delightful MC. I do agree with others, though, that perhaps it needs carful pruning. My feeling too is that there needs to be more clarity about the timeline. We know she's an adult looking back, so I don't feel her language is too sophisticated - that's what happens with adult memories of childhood - but I did get confused by the jumps in time.

Hello,
So far I read around sixty percent of the first chapter and gave a break to evaluate pacing of the portion that I covered. It’s amazing and appreciating your writing skill.

Smooth and easy to read * * * *

(Reading cont…)

Regards
Sali Kamar.

I like the way you drew off of fairy tales, it gave the story a timeless feel. I'd maybe proofread for punctuation, but other than that I enjoy the story and appreciate the direction you're going in! Keep writing :)

this has a real vintage or classic feel to it. I'm not a huge reader of memoirs but I felt this one really resonated with me. I think because I see some of my childhood in this. It's got a nice voice that will translate well across all generations. It's one of those books I truly feel has something in it for everyone. You really made the chocolate cake stand out! Great and I'll shelve when I can!

Missy

Hi Missy, thanks for your comments.

this has a real vintage or classic feel to it. I'm not a huge reader of memoirs but I felt this one really resonated with me. I think because I see some of my childhood in this. It's got a nice voice that will translate well across all generations. It's one of those books I truly feel has something in it for everyone. You really made the chocolate cake stand out! Great and I'll shelve when I can!

Missy

Why the obsession with dust in the earlier parts of chapter 1? Why all the details re the interior of the car only to be told it was locked and nobody would hide in it anyway? I think you are writing yourself into a very big problem here as others have also suggested. That is in no way meant to ignore your obvious ability with words. However, from a commercial point of view, the days when the average reader expected to plough through swathes of prose have long since disappeared, which I personally think is a shame but that's pretty much the state of affairs among the general reading public today! If you want this published, get down to the heart of your story and cut out anything that doesn't move things forward at a rate of knots...best of luck!
Stewart
Lord Randle's Wee/Willy

Dear Shirani, I read the first chapter of your book, with interest. Trimming the word count would help to show that children don't have a lot of words to describe what they are seeing, though it can be hard to convey a lot with a few words. But you have the makings of an engaging story. All the best, Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

I love anything based on culture or history or life in the past. This combines all three. however, I found it, so far, a little too didactic, telling me more than showing me. I intend to read the rest of it asap so look forward to that. The last three paragraphs are almost like an article about literature.

This has a feel that reminds me of "To kill a Mocking bird", a very classic literature groove going and I thoroughly enjoy it so far. I am not finished reading, but I have to agree with everyone. Maybe considering chopping this where at least the hide and seek portion be your first chapter/opener? It's hard to take a breath as a reader with this massive of a chapter, but then again that is purely opinion and take it or leave it on that note.
I thoroughly enjoy how you combine attitude with scent, sight and taste to add to the memories and it's very easy to relate to. I think we all remember eating something as a small kid that we just can't seem to find as an adult lol.
Rated and I will back this from time to time. ^_^

Hi Shirari,
I owe you a comment too. Chapter one was very long and I started to lose concentration. Is it not poosible to break it down to two or three chapters? I wondered where I was at when you began the story. Not until lare did I discover that I was in Sri Lanka. I'm wondering if you should mention that earlier, it might give a better feel for the reading.
Everyone loves the chocolate cake scene - that was well-done. You do have the talent and you express it very well. If anything, I think bunderful wrote some comments that pretty much match up to my feelings about the story.
All the best

Hi Shirani, Evocative and the story gives many sensory feelings while being very direct. I liked the part about Nimali. The scenes are very well described. Shelved - Katherine

hi Katherine,
glad you liked it and thanks for backing me.
Shirani

Hi Shirani, Evocative and the story gives many sensory feelings while being very direct. I liked the part about Nimali. The scenes are very well described. Shelved - Katherine

I read through your first chapter. Let me start by saying, I thought that it was well done but I see room for improvement. I think it was a little long, I struggle with keeping my chapters short enough for Autho too. Perhaps consider breaking it up, atleast for Autho. The attention spans of readers on here are almost 0. Second impression, what's your age range? I can see this being a children's story if you spin this the right way. Just some things to think about. And who wouldn't love that title? Makes me want a big piece of chocolate cake! Yum! Enjoyable read, 5 stars from me and on my WL(That is on my comp because the one on Autho isn't big enough for everyone I want on it).

Ashley
"Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket"

Shirani, Chocolate Cake Dreams is beautifully done, the first chapter. Charming! You have, of course written this very well. Solid structuring and nicely rounded sentences makes this a smooth read indeed.

Gave it some divine stars and hope they bring you some luck. You're a very talented writer.

Ivan Amberlake
The Beholder

I love the way you start this. It's fun and energetic and gives a lot of local color. The narrative moves quickly and I am kept interested until the paragraph that begins "that is if anyone wanted to brave the dust" - this paragraph dragged on a bit and I'm questioning wether you need it at all.

The part when you mention "look ahead...the future's the thing" and then "go back. Reminisce. Remember the good times..." These seemed concepts that were a bit to advanced for a child Theja's age. We don't know how old she is because we haven't been told yet, but it seems to me that is no older than 12 and so this to me feels like she is too young to be thinkging such "deep" thoughts.

I also love the part about the chocolate cake - it's clear as day to me - I can see it and taste it - but here again I felt you went on just a bit too long about it - to the point that I lose interest. The paragraph that begins "They didn't seem (to) make the same chocolate cake at Green Cabin anymore" - seems to go on just a bit too long for my taste.

The narrative flowed pretty smoothly after that - but when you start to talk about Nimali - even though the detail is good - the hand-towel etc. - it does start to get less story-teller like and more detail-focused - perhaps more journalistic in style - whereas in the beginning your style is more light and even somewhat playful.

I was also unsure and a bit jarred by your mention of Noddy as being something bizarre sexually - you mention this like it should be obvious to everyone and this never even ocurred to me - it certainly seems a strange thing for your narrator to mention. How old is the person who is speaking? 9? 16? 32? I am really not sure anymore.

Your story has a lot of potential. The detail is real and tactile. The stories interesting. But I felt that it was wordy in many places and I would perhaps try to think about how you protray your narrator and if her voice is relating appropriate subject matter for her supposed age.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

This book was recommended to me by MP Jones. I think anyone connected with children will find this a very rewarding book to read. I found myself reading half a dozen chapters and lost track of time - probably a good sign. Best wishes for success with this book..

CBK

Thanks for placing my book on your shelf. Glad you liked it.

This book was recommended to me by MP Jones. I think anyone connected with children will find this a very rewarding book to read. I found myself reading half a dozen chapters and lost track of time - probably a good sign. Best wishes for success with this book..

CBK

i think youve got a good story here. your title is simple but i think it will be effective. you write simply, making it easy to follow. your pitches are good- i think youve found the right amount to display without giving too much away. a couple things id like to suggest; your book cover. im pretty sure you're new here but i think your book would benefit greatly from one. and another thing; i would like to know what your target audience is; children, young adult, adult, etc.
i wish you the very best of luck with this,
melissa :)
Gut Instincts

Your writing is good and you have good characters. Coming out with a hide-and-seek game was original. I don’t think I have EVER seen a book start out with it.

I agree with both. You must remember the past but at the same time you must forget about it and move on. I think there has to be a balance.

What I think you are good at is narrating and description. Those are your strengths and should be your focus. 6 stars.


“look to the future”.” period should be placed inside.

Might want to think about splitting the chapter in two

I just finished your first chapter and found it to be a very interesting read. It is well written and easy to follow. Your descriptions are rich and bold. I have put you on my watch list and given you a well deserved high star rating. I will be back to read more and let you know what I think.

I hope you can get a chance to look at Menopause. A dark comedy about a menopausal serial killer who kills all the “bad” people she has known throughout her life in order to make the world a better place.

I am fairly new to authonomy and I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

Best of luck - Thanks. Helen

I love the title of this and your unique voice does shine through on this. I might be wrong but I wondered if English was perhaps not your first language as I thought there appeared to be some slightly odd phrasing, but perhaps that is deliberate? If it isn't you first language I think you have done a very good job to get it to this level. I've just hightlighted some things I noticed in your opening, that you might like to consider.

Thoughts on you first section, and something I found a little odd in the construction. "Her hand acknowledge each one at every word she said." - Might need to be rephrased as I had to read it twice to see you meant the girls - when she can't really acknowledge every girl when she's moving her hand from each girl says each word...if you see what I mean? EG...Her hand acknowledge each girl in turn as she said the words

Watch your pronounds for example in the first paragraph it is a little unclear who the 'she' refers to between "Manisha and she" - byond that I thought it was a lovely paragraph and I wanted to know what a 'catcher' was.

With the sentence that starts with "Alright! Let's hide." "Alright!" Should be "All right!" but although you might get away with it the other way with dialogue you don't need that "the" before "Theja" unless Theja isn't a name but means something like catcher or captain or something.

With the "although she had suspected" I think you need "like she had suspected"

I especailly thought the last paragraph was brillaint. Love the voice and tone of it adn I thought it was a great place to cut to another chapter.

I hope something helps and good luck with this.

Hello Shirani. Thanks for your kind words about my book. I read the first chapter of Chocolate Cake Dreams, and enjoyed much!

At first, I didn't care for your writing style. It struck me as overly literal, and tedious. But then, after I'd taken in several paragraphs, it grew on me quickly. Soon I realized that the very qualities about it that I had disliked were now what I liked most. Odd, isn't it?

There's something about your flow of thought that pulls me in. The ideas are stacked in a way that I haven't encountered in mainstream fiction before, or in classic works. Whatever it is, it works. I like it.

I noticed what might be a small mechanical error: the paragraph that begins with "Alright. Let's hide" appears to have an extra 'the' in it, just before 'Theja'.

After reading further a ways, I find that the story your building is great. The musing-almost-memoir feel is intensely romantic and it firmly endears Theja to the reader. Good job.

Good luck with Chocolate Cake Dreams. I'm shelving it.

-Throck

Hi Tammy,

Thanks for the wonderful comments. I'll keep it in mind and will change the pitches. Thanks for the stars and I do hope you find the time to place it on your shelf.

Look forward to reading yours soon.
Shirani

Sorry - forgot to mention that I LOVE the title! It's what drew me to your book in the first place :-)

Hi Shirani,
I love all the Disney and story references, Cinderella, Three Bears, Enid Blyton and Noddy etc, brought back some happy memories! But then you made the sexual references about Noddy and Big Ears which really made me stop and try to remember more of the stories. An interesting perception of a much loved childhood institution of yours. Clever.
This is really well written and I saw no errors (which I’m usually pretty good at spotting).The length of it scares me I have to admit. The huge chunks of dialogue in the third chapter are very believable; you have a knack for it. Lately I don’t have a lot of time for reading, especially with trying to return reads here on authonomy all the time but I will try and come back to this at some stage.
I think your short pitch is a great hook but your long one needs some work. Some pitches on here read more like synopsises but yours is maybe a little too far the other way in that’s its quite vague. Perhaps some more about Theja and what happens in her life during the book? Without reading the whole story it’s hard for me to suggest more than that sorry.
Thanks for sharing this with us, Have given you 5 stars for now and will try and return at some stage.
Tammy

Hi Shirani,

Your story looks compelling and reminds me of 'The Kite Runner', one of my favourites, where the protagonist returns to a war torn environment to confront his past. I'm putting this one on my watch list, and I look forward to diving into Chocolate Cake Dreams.

Best,

Michelle
~ Willow Lake Manor ~

Hi Shirani

Welcome to Authonomy! I just thought I would be the first to add a comment. I like the title of the book - it is somehow quite welcoming and positive! The short and long pitch might need a little bit of work as they didn't tell me much at all about the book. I do know it's about a little girl in Sri Lanka but that's about it. With a word count of over 200,000, I am sure there is lots more you can pick out and highlight here to whet the appetite.

I read the first couple of chapters. You have a pleasing style and it's interesting to be inside the head of a small child in that way. Obviously, the pacing is on the slow side, inevitable given the length of the manuscript.
I don't know if you hamper the chances of publication by such a long text and there may be some room for cutting if you want to go down that route.

I have put the book on my watchlist and awarded 5 stars. I will try and read some more, as well as watch your progress on this site with interest. You're on my second shelf...ready to be promoted to my actual shelf!

Feel free to check out my book!

MP Jones (They Shoot Birds Don't They?)