The Night Watch

breathtaking. You have an eloquent style, but a venture into short declarative sentences seems to be your sweet spot. I'm reminded of paradigm detective novels.

Eric,
I read the last two chapters you have posted, and here are my comments/observations.

Ch. 17
I thought you overused the word had. There were too many helping verbs that slowed the flow of the narrative.
The sentence, "Oh how I wished..." needs a comma after oh.

Ch. 18
I found the gladiator ceremony interesting. It reminded me of a knighting ceremony and the important slap that occurs.
So, we find out more about Orata's connection to the case. I suspected it was his daughter.

I would love to read more!

Regards,
Ms. J

Comments and observations Chapters 11-16

Ch 12-
The door was opened by= passive voice

Ch 14-
Dark bred evil deeds... LOVED the personification in this paragraph

Ch 15-
The sentence, "Then I shall pay him... needs a comma at the conjunction.

Ch.16-
I am getting suspicious of Lucretia. Thought you's like to know my reaction to her. So... The Moon and Sun murdered Gallus' family. I hope they go down!

I'll still be reading on. You know it will drive me crazy that the whole thing isn't posted. I gotta know who did it! Seriously!

Regards,
Ms. J

The Night Watch, by Eric Laing

SP: 
Doesn't do it for me.  Don't rely on the natural hook of ancient Rome.  
- Blood, sex, magic ... mystery ... and Ancient Rome
That seems more like someone made an effort to sell me :) 

LP:
I might remove the 'the' before 'gladiators'.

Like the idea presented here.  I'm really hoping you deliver the goods.

Chapter 1.

Love your first sentence.  Love it.  I'm grabbed.  Well done.

"She was a whore. But not just any whore. Not some common plaything of vile and detestable men. She was no mere bauble of flesh, no woman of the night to be found at work along the tangled streets and alleys of the Subura. No, she was never once counted among those putrescent creatures, those brides of some nameless and diseased god, those temptresses casting out their alluring calls from dark and dank archways that were at the same time both as worn and broken as themselves. Quite the contrary, she was as high above that lowly and depraved state as a woman who traded in the currency of her own flesh could be."

Okay, so you can write.  This is a first paragraph of rich prose.  I'd suggest you consider paring back just a little to give mere mortals an easier breath into your work. Having sand that I'm not sure exactly where to suggest you cut back a bit.  Here is just a suggestion to illustrate my point.  Generally it's a skilful writer who can avoid starting sentences with 'But', or so I'm told.  But...it all about your voice. 

"She was a whore. But not just any whore.  She was not some common plaything of vile and detestable men. No mere bauble of flesh, no woman of the night to be found at work along the tangled streets and alleys of the Subura. No, she was never once counted among those putrescent creatures, those brides of some nameless and diseased god. No. She was as high above that lowly and depraved state as a woman who traded in the currency of her own flesh could be."

- I'm not sure I buy the line about 'both as worn and broken'.  I'm sure some of the whores were fresh and not broken.  It's a good line, but is it completely applicable?

I've no objection to any size of opening paragraph, but I think a slightly shorter one that asks a bit less of your readers is a good idea.  This is a thriller after all.  Hook us.  Then play with us.

Okay.  I'm going to try and read the story now and see how it works for me.  Hopefully I won't want to stop and suggest a bunch of things. Hopefully my opening comments will cover my feelings on the writing.  


Nope.  Why does 'and savvy' need to be between Em lines?  And does 'savvy' really work as a word in a piece like this.  Given your word use already I'm sure you could impart that idea better and with a word that doesn't make me wonder of you're going to write a HF Roman piece using modern parlance.  Maybe you are.  We'll see...

"so did women like Lucretia,"
- so did Lucretia

I'm feeling a bit disappointed with the opening paragraphs.  Tell this to me in a better way.  You can.  Get out a freer flowing voice.

"and soon enough she was free to pick and choose her clientele, or even retire altogether. She would not retire, however, for, also like Rome, her appetite for sex and power was her master."
- it was not long into her career that she was able to choose her clientele, or even choose to retire altogether if she wished. She would not though, for, like Rome itself, her...

I might be missing or not tuning into your narrator's voice though....

"Lucretia as the gorgeous woman offered her wares"
- as she offered her wares.  
You've already told me what she is like. 'gorgeous' is too two dimensional a word for her after that.  I'm more enticed if you leave that out. Leave it to my mind now...

"As much a dance as an act of fornication, the Senator observed in quiet appreciation."
- Nice.

Okay, I might have liked maybe 20-30% more about the orgy before the Senator wondered off. Sex sells after all.

"“Forgive me, Fiona,” he wept. “Forgive me.” "
- 'wept' seems a bit unlikely here so suddenly.  Build to it, or use another expression.

Overall, chapter 1.  
I feel you have a great mix of elements here. I wanted them to flow more, but accept I may not be hearing your voice quite as you hope, and maybe others who read this will.  The end of the chapter only just marginally failed to make me want to read on.  If the chapter had been more cohesive and exploited it's potential more it would have made me read on.  

You have the story.  You may have the voice, though I'm not convinced for myself.  You can write, but need to deploy your skills in a more flowing manner.

Thanks for asking for the read.  I hope my comments were interesting even if no use.  If you'd been able to keep me reading, I would have, but it is 4am UK time, so that doesn't help your cause :).

As far as reading an HF you are doing a lot better than most with me with your premise and characters.  But I'm a hard sell :)

If you revise this chapter, let me know.

I've dipped into your other uploads and think maybe you need to find a way to handle HF as easily as you handle other genres, or not try and consciously write HF, if that makes sense.

You can write sentences.  You can construct paragraphs.  Now just tell me the story with flow and tension. 

My regards.

Eric,
I am here to comment on Night Watch. So far, I been able to read up through Chapter 10. I'll break down my comments by chapter. ( I take notes as I read)

Ch. 1-
Good first line. It is attention grabbing.
I see Lucretia as a symbol of Rome.
I noticed that you were starting several sentences with conjunctions. Typically I avoid doing this, but I lately the trend seems to be going toward using them.
There were some places throughout where you used some helping verbs that weren't needed. For example: Lucretia had awoken could be changed to Lucretia woke- making the sentence more active.
You ended this chapter in a great place.

Ch. 2
You did a good job of showing us Cranus' personality instead of just telling the reader. At first I suspected he might be a killer, but by the end of the chapter, well... not so much. :-)
You used great verbs that added to the imagery. i.e. she was birthed from the gloom.
Your pacing and where you end your chapters is wonderful. It makes it hard not to read on!

Ch.3
When we were introduced to Gallus I wondered if we were meeting the protagonist.
I appreciate your use of personification.
I found your dialog sounded authentic to the time period, but not too over the top.
I loved the description of the scenery as Gallus traveled to the crime scene. It make Romeo come alive for me.
A word to describe your writing style would be gritty, which fits well with a murder mystery.
There was a sentence with a typo- They small band... I think you meant The small band.

Ch. 4
I was a bit confused when the children talked of this other murder. I think as a reader I need a little more info to infer that it was connected to the murder in the opening scene. I also didn't understand why Gallus didn't seem to react to the mention of it. When the child first talks about it, perhaps he could think back to it.

In the sentence... was found by Gallus... you're using passive voice. Try to stay with active voice.

The sentence... so you are not yet... there is a repetition of yet.

Ch. 5
The flashback of the twins first battle confused me. I wasn't sure if it was a flashback or we were moving forward. I only suspected a flashback until I got to the next section.

Ch.6
When Gallus gets to his feet so rapidly, I would think his head would hurt or spin.
You are overusing the verb birthed. I like the unique way you used it in ch. 2 but now it's becoming too common.

Ch. 7
The flow of the opening sentence is stunted.
LOVED the line: "Evil does come cloaked in flower and honey." What a terrific line!!!!!!

Overall:

I am really enjoying this read. I only intended to read a couple of chapters, but found that I couldn't stop. You've obviously done your research, but the historical tidbits don't come across as forced or pretentious. I love how the twists just keep coming. Just when I think I've figured out the killer or even the victim, there is a twist. I intend to read on!

Regards,
Ms. J- Lord of All
(Historical Fiction Readers Group)

I think I'd begin with the second paragraph. Much more dynamic. But I think you've done your research, and it's a fine read.

Hi, there – this is a review from AudreyB. I am often accompanied on my reviews by my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea.

Well, your pitches don’t tell me very much, but I bet you knew that. I haven’t been quite brave enough to upload something that’s in progress. I’m too much of a control-freak. I suspect you’ll have some great pitches up there once you know where the story is going.

Well now. That’s an opening line that’ll get a reader’s attention.

In the second paragraph, I think you can drop ‘simply.’ There’s another problem with the sentence, after “…Lucretia,” Here’s what I’d suggest: “…so admired for her skills as a prostitute that sometimes even…” but you can replace ‘admired’ with a juicier word and prostitute with a much juicier word and laugh to yourself about how that nice old Church-Lady AudreyB suggested how to revise this line. Revered? Skills as a….

I think I now know the origin of the name of my favorite flower, the gladiolus. You can learn things wherever you go.

I wonder if a little tension leading up to the discovery of Cranus’s body would be a good idea? It seemed rather sudden.

It occurs to me that I don’t really know what this book is about yet. That’s partly due to the limited pitches—though they do tell me to expect the killings—but also because I think there are some details missing in the first two chapters.

When I got to the part where Galus and Baccholi wait in the stands, I couldn’t recall why they were waiting. Did I miss that? I have to confess I’m doing three or four things at a time here as I read.

This is excellent. I have read a number of mysteries set in ancient Rome (borrowed from my mother-in-law, so no orgies) and yours is easily as fascinating as those. The setting provides such a dramatic background for whatever story you place there—it’s dramatic, primitive, sensual and brutal while also being an awful lot like the modern world.

~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

Here is the truth of the matter - I am lazy, slothful, and like to be lead - with two pinched fingers gripping the ear - dragged headlong into the point of the book, the plot, the style, the wording, whatever, but quickly, dammit, fast into the very heart of what it is, and here after three chapters I'm still not sure what it is - set in Ancient Rome and yet where is it, that vivid sense of culture shock? A whore but why, and where is her fleshliness, the globe of a breast, the tendrils of her hair (of what color?) that hang over flesh of what tones to press against what firm muscles and gritting teeth and grunting pounding searching for ecstasy? And if she wakes are the fingers cold and how is the dawn - is it cool too and grey, where is the city, that ever present Rome? My belief is that if they f***, have them f***ing, if they kill, then kill quickly and always, always with a mind to why, why do they f*** and why do the kill and why does he cry? Why should I care? You don't have to tell me right away, but at least a glimpse, a view, and bring back that view, and bring it back again, always calling me back tighter and tighter to the beating heart of the thing you have made, this thing of beauty that you can sense and which you strive to fashion. What is it that you love, why do you do it, why do you care? Because after three chapters I'm still not clear. I know you know it's there - show it to me.

So, I loved the NW pitch - short, sweet, to the point and I adored the opening sentences: 'She was a whore. But not just any whore.' Tick approved. NW kicks off CH1 with an orgy and a chopped up gladiator. The pacing is fabulous, the writing equally so. The brutality of Ch2 interests me less (what, that the orgy in CH1... um...) but it's pacy and gruesome. And I don't like Cranus. I did wonder if I was supposed to like him or not, but then his name of Cranus the Wicked was mentioned again, and I guessed not. From the LP, I'm hoping he's the first gladiator to buy it. He is. Hurrah. And I love the touch of the frail old woman. I'm not reading CH3. I don't need to.

Well written and I didn't spot any nitty typos but then I was just getting on with the story.

Much love
Cx

ps. Yes, this is copy & pasted from the March Madness feedback. ;)

Great tale - keep me posted :)

The plot thickens - are you a Dexter fan? It could be a former day ice truck killer :)

This is such a great story. I seriously want to know when you post more. Seamless integration of reader with character, setting and plot - it feels genuine, it's compelling and despite the seeming supernatural flair, it is believable. Your characters are rich and your style is satisfyingly visual. Some of the best writing on here and easily publishable quality.

12 finely handled - this improves upon its high calibre with each chapter. Someone publish this man!!

11 was excellent - the only flaw being I did not receive notice it was posted :)

NIGHT WATCH
This is an exciting story. You’ve obviously you’re your research to share so much about Roman orgies and the technique of how gladiators fought. The dismembered bodies add a serial killer theme to the plot. I like the way Senator Quintus stands out so different from the people around him; own more morals and integrity than the rest of them. Makes this a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi, Eric, just checked out the first couple of chapters. I really enjoyed them, sex, blood, action and a mystery. I think you've caught the spirit of the era well, I've read quite a few historical fiction books set in ancient Rome. It's a fascinating time and a fascinating people. From the chapters I read I woulld definitely buy this book if I came across it in a book store. It is my kind of thing and well written.

Paul.

read the first four chapters, which is my usual, had to stick to it too or would have indulged myself, a prosaic start that turns more descriptive, language is good and always the right word, great vocabulary, there is some humor here, an inspector or chief detective in rome, a cop story really, a smart tromented detective slogging away at his duties, a workalholic who can't quite rid himself of his personal demons, i have to think rome and all its details are artifice to catch the history buff up in a good murder mystery, not to say that roman history and details aren't fascinating and accurate, they most likely are, i will back this for the writing, best wishes

Eric,

I read the first few chapters and really enjoyed “The Night Watch”. It is a genre and a point in history that I find fascinating. Rome was so varied and multi-hued that is it just ripe for stories. You have created a great one here that plays with the time and the culture, but still resonates with modern audiences.

The murder mystery is compelling, I was fascinated by it and look forward to finding out who the killer is.

I know you said this was a WIP, so I won’t bother pointing out typo. In truth I found very few.

Below are the notes I made as I read.

I wish you the very best with this,

Sharon
“Lykaia”


Chapter 1:
A fascinating first chapter. It certainly did not end like I thought it would!

Chapter 2:
What a battle sequence! You did a wonderful job of creating atmosphere. I could practically hear the crowd chanting and feel the beating of the sun.
“the old woman was birthed from the gloom” great imagery
Oh, Cranus is killed…and the mystery deepens.

Two things:
Small pox was not a term then.
The woman said “reminded one of Hell” She likely would have used Hades instead

Chapter 3:
“The hours collected” – nice
A great chapter, an introduction to the night watch as the investigation unfolds. The ending of this chapter was superb.

More brilliance Mr Laing. Secudus' musings are some of the best parts of the story and your imagined Rome is vivid. I am eager to see how you will draw this together, but a fascinating tale well told.

Looking forward to where this is going and the refinements editing will bring. Grabbed my attention even in the rough stage.

Love it - very well crafted and intruiging as hell!

Chapter seven! Very twisting tale, can't wait for more!

fascinating stuff; execellent writing style, original and clear, descriptive and imaginative...
backed with six stars...
read SEASONS...

Good one.

Alright - post more...

Vivid descriptions, excellent characters and a believable Roman world. Well done, sir!!

Chapter 2 is great - fast paced and a surprising ending - but that better not be the chick from Haktaw heart... :)

Excellent writing and a fabulous pace.

Nice start up - must go delete a book from my watchlist to put you on there

Hi Eric-Read 2 and 3. You don't disappoint! Filled with action, suspense, and superb writing. This is a terrific self-indulgence. Don't want to ruin your mystery in my comments, but do want to praise you on the fantastic murder mystery you've set up. Can not find anything to criticize. However, your pitch is too short and too vague. Not sure if it even is a pitch. And your cover blows. Get a new artist. With that being said, 6 stars because the writing and story is sooooooo goooooood! Would read, watch, listen to, whatever. Great job.
Dina from Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

Oh Eric,. I'm HOOKED! Just read the first chapter-thought I was reading an episode for one of my favorite shows, Spartacus. You really know how to cliff-hang! Great writing and great suspense building. Will be back for more.
Dina

Hi Eric,

I actually read a couple of chapters two days ago, but have only got around to commenting now. What can I say? Both of the chapters had an excellent structure and led up beautifully to the two mysteries. You certainly had me gripped and if I had the time I would read on. Your writing flowed easy and every character was interesting. There was zero dullness and maximum interest.

I said that I would comment on idiosyncrasies, and to my own surprise there were almost none - strange for a HF novel, really. Perhaps one of the reasons why I liked it.

Anyway, the first one to consider is the gladiator guests the senator has. I am not sure when you have set the novel, but unless it is after the reign of Tiberius gladiators as guests of a senator would not have happened. And even in the very unusual chance that it would happen after the reign of Tiberius, they would have been of noble birth anyway. Gladiators were of the lowest of the low in society - along with slaves, actors and prostitutes.

Again, it was highly unusual for their to be fights to the death. Usually they were sanctioned, because gladiators are an expensive commodity, by very high profile men - think Julius Caesar, Crassus or Augustus.

Lastly, I am no expert on gladiatorial fights, but you may want to consider the fact that the Romans had set types of gladiators. If I remember correctly, your Thracus (if that was the gladiator of ch. 2's name) due to his Thracian helmet would have been armed with a net and trident - though I could be completely wrong and you've looked it up already - and he would be fighting another gladiator who was specifically armed.

You'd want to look up these things yourself, but they are what I spotted as I went through and *could* be wrong. I was confident enough to raise them, which is why I think you should investigate. Otherwise, as far as I ama ware everything you have is perfectly correct.

Excellent piece of work.

Joe

Great cover, just as well as pitch is, shall we say, somewhat reticent.' A new departure, interesting, and written with all the verve I'd have expected from you. Loved 'deliquescent skin' in chapter four. On my shelf, obviously.
Jake

Loved it. This is a very immediate tale. You bring in instantly the parts of ancient rome people find most interesting: sex and gladiators. And you do it well. The fight at the Colosseum is well written, exciting. Shame Cranus had to die because I was rather enjoying him as a character.
You've got a detective, Gallus, with a tragic past which makes him sympathetic, brooding, good for the role.
Only thing I'll nitpick and it might not even be a nitpick, I may have read it wrong. You mention the tomb of the Senator Orator's wife, Fiona as if it is in the grounds of a house. Strict rules in Rome meant that corpses could only be buried outside the city walls, hence the extremely elaborate tombs on the Appian Way. He might have a death mask of her in his atrium though. If I have read this wrong kindly ignore all.
Liking this WIP very much :)

Sumptuously written first chapter as I've come to expect from you Eric. Prose with economy; who needs graphic and cheap detail when, as an example 'She was sore from debauchery' says absolutely everything the reader needs to know.

I'm sure we've all woken up in the morning wondering what happened the night before, but can't recall anything quite so horrific from my experiences!

Just one technical issue, I wonder if a semi-colon should be used rather than a colon in the final sentence of the first chapter? Having said that, the colon is followed by a listing (of not necessarily pleasant things), so I think my jury is still out on that one.

As always, a flowing and easy read.

Oh, now that's a splendid start! I like the combination of the senator's disinterest in his own party - his enigmatic grief - and the dismembered corpse.
The fight was well written too.
But ... but you are surely aware of Pratchett's 'Night Watch' which also has a lonely, dryly detached, captain of the night watch who also suffers from a significant weakness (alcoholism, not grief-maddened, but similar enough).
Literature is full of echoes and homages so it's not necessarily a bad thing, but you need to be careful you keep yours distinct and not just Vimes goes to Rome...
All the best with this work.

Lindsay

Great opening in chapter one and intriguing in chapter two. Nice chapter ends. and then to chapter three... It's Instpector CSI Rome! Ace. :)