Conqueror; The First Seal

Hi Sovannah, it's me Jabril and as promised, i'll finally tell you what i really think of your book :P jk
_______________

Conqueror: It is a rare thing to find a novel so bold and unforgettable. Outstanding. Sovannah's novel beckoned me to turn page after page, losing all track of time. I was gripped by the power and intensity Sovannah wrote almost effortlessly. After reading her whole manuscript, i sat in stunned silence. This is simply superb, great beginning to what is sure to be an extraordinary series. I can't keep my mind off of Conqueror.

-Jabril

I have starred and wl'd this exciting manuscript!. You have done your Homework and the reader can tell!:) I see this being very successful and hitting a homerun with your Target audience! You've got major talent babe, and I look forward to reading anything and everything you write.:)
Love and blessings to you,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

this is a complex and involved story; but you tell it so well and simply from the start, with excellent narrative and dialogue...a superb fantasy adventure...
six stars*****
read SEASONS...

This book is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO amazing! It is not often that I find a book online that I can totally relate to with my beliefs, and one that is not boring, but this one deffinitely takes the cake for the best online christian, or even non christian, book I have ever read. I usually don't get sucked into to online books, but I had a hard even doing school because I was enjoying this so much (much to my mom's dimay:) Thank you Sovannah for giving us a book that is exciting and mysterious and all around interesting! There are of course grammatical erorrs and typos and such, but what are editors for:) If this book was published, it would deffinitely be one I would buy!

This is a fabulous story. You have great imagination. I like how you challenge your readers with a mixture of subjects into one

Hi there,

Very interesting beginning. Secrecy, prophesies, cults...! There are a lot of good things going on in this first chapter. One small thing: I'm not sure you need the exclamation points after '...flew back a hundred feet!' and '...pumped his arm in victory!'

Wish you all the best with your book. :)

Dyane
The Purple Morrow

What I've read so far is very complex, but very intriguing. Very descriptive, i could see everything unfolding in my mind, it wasn't like i was reading it on a screen. I'm adding it to my W/L so i can read more when i get the chance. But I can safely say that I'm going to give you 6 stars for what I've read so far.

Joe,
The Hooligans Of Kandahar

YARG review!
Wow, a book mixing history, the Bible, and fiction all at once. Your writing is amazing and you have a way of telling us things we wouldn't have expected, but it makes sense when you do. Some typos here and there, but not too many.
The part when the three boys visit the fortuneteller was confusing. I know it adds mystery to the story to have the boys nameless, but you really need to add names so we know who is doing what. I had to read that section four times before I understood what was happening.
Besides that, it was great! Good luck with this!
Noelle "Dark Origins"

Love the blend of archeology and this growing sense of adventure that pervades this manuscript.Your Christian worldview is blended in very well! Bravo! It is a hard tasked, but you've already mastered this well. Like others have mentioned, I stumbled over the descriptions, but I find that I liked them. They made the scenes sparkled, but it cut up the flow of the text.

I'd also be aware of the language your character are using. I understand your characters in chapter one are very intelligent, but when big words are thrown around there is no guarantee your reader will understand them and may be turned off enough to close the book rather than seek out a dictionary, but other than the few words in chapter one, reading got a lot easier as I read on.

Great start! I've starred this, and would back it, but my shelf is full of some great books. Sorry! Feel free to bug me next month if you would like a spot on my shelf. I hope this helps. I've starred it high.

-Christian Rogue (Beastia)

Hi Sovannah, it's me Jabril and as promised, i'll finally tell you what i really think of your book :P jk
_______________

Conqueror: It is a rare thing to find a novel so bold and unforgettable. Outstanding. Sovannah's novel beckoned me to turn page after page, losing all track of time. I was gripped by the power and intensity Sovannah wrote almost effortlessly. After reading her whole manuscript, i sat in stunned silence. This is simply superb, great beginning to what is sure to be an extraordinary series. I can't keep my mind off of Conqueror.

-Jabril

Derek, thank u so much for taking the time to read & nick-pick at my errors :) I really appreciate it!

I'll try to return the read.
Good luck on your own novel!

Hi I found this book as mine too has an angel theme. I enjoyed this first chapter. It sets the scene nicely and gives a few teasers re what is to come. I've made a few suggestions.
the wording of the sentence with- "his amateur son" - suggests he's amateur at being a son - not an archaeologist - should re-word this.
"with weighty things to do, than to be gathered" - should be "weightier" things to do but personally I'd pick a different word since "weightier" sounds clumsy and not a word many would use in speech.
"A point were the world will begin to change as we know it" - doesn't scan right - should change to "a point were the world as we know it will begin to change"
All this you can be apart of" this should be "you can be a part of" Again with "what a vilification I will not be apart of such nonsense" should be "a part of"
"Deliberately closing his eyes slowly" - personally I'd lose the "deliberately" - it feels kind of redundant.
"A world of paradise of which was stolen from us" - needs to lose the "of" to make sense.
"Its time we avenge Golgotha" - needs apostrophe "It's time"
Hope these make sense. Starred and on my watchlist
Derek
The Angel Chord

Hi I found this book as mine too has an angel theme. I enjoyed this first chapter. It sets the scene nicely and gives a few teasers re what is to come. I've made a few suggestions.
the wording of the sentence with- "his amateur son" - suggests he's amateur at being a son - not an archaeologist - should re-word this.
"with weighty things to do, than to be gathered" - should be "weightier" things to do but personally I'd pick a different word since "weightier" sounds clumsy and not a word many would use in speech.
"A point were the world will begin to change as we know it" - doesn't scan right - should change to "a point were the world as we know it will begin to change"
All this you can be apart of" this should be "you can be a part of" Again with "what a vilification I will not be apart of such nonsense" should be "a part of"
"Deliberately closing his eyes slowly" - personally I'd lose the "deliberately" - it feels kind of redundant.
"A world of paradise of which was stolen from us" - needs to lose the "of" to make sense.
"Its time we avenge Golgotha" - needs apostrophe "It's time"
Hope these make sense. Starred and on my watchlist
Derek
The Angel Chord

I have read the first few chapters, and I found them interesting and well-written. The only thing that I found that I would change would be that the text seems a little over-descriptive. I would suggest combining some things to allow readers to picture things for themselves instead of telling how everything is. But its really great and I will be back for more reading.

This is a captivating read. I couldn't put it down. Your descriptions are superb. I did see a couple of small errors in the first chapter (prologues). You described a tall man, and had the word "a" in the wrong place. I was so into the book, tho, I didn't stop to write it down. There was a similiar error further down in the prologue. Other than that, you have a well edited, tightly written novel! You should climb the charts and get to the editor's desk with this one. Great job!
I am giving you 6 stars and WL. Good luck!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Hi Sovannah,

I think we had a read swap, or I owed you a return read. At any rate, you’re on my WL, which means I owed you a read. So sorry it’s taken me so long to get here. Below are my comments/findings. They are, of course, my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.

All wars are “ferocious,” so I don’t think you need that adjective.

I’d drop the ellipse…all of them, in fact. Publishers and editors don’t like them, and they do little for you other than serve as a distraction.

“Opening our realm…” This sentence is a fragment and should be combined with the previous sentence (separated by a comma).

Should be a comma after “For four hundred years”

You like fragments, and they can be effective, but if overused, it makes for a choppy read.

Cut some of those “ly” adverbs. They get tedious.

Prologue

“figure of a man” Isn’t that redundant? Can’t you just say “man?”

Azure is a specific shade of blue, so you don’t have to say “azure blue” as it’s redundant. Just say “azure eyes”

Delete “Amazing.” It does nothing for you here.

This is a great way to start the story. I know some of those comments above are a bit blunt, but really those suggestions are just easy fixes that would have been caught at some point with additional scrubs. The storyline and plot development are what are hardest to fix, and so far you’ve established an intriguing scene. That’s a crucial feat in the first few paragraphs of any story.

“Yes, this might be the break he was looking for!” This is a very casual voice for a story so formal. I would drop the “yes” unless the MC is thinking this, in which case it should be present tense and italicize. I’d also drop the exclamation marks in the prose.

Delete the comma after “Pushing back his long hair”

I read the rest of the prologue for content, but you might consider getting addition scrubs for editing. There is a lot of choppiness and some grammatical/punctuation errors here and there. Nothing that a good polish can’t fix. The important thing is that you set the scene well and the storyline is worth reading! Very impressive start and I wish you the best of luck with this.

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Very well written also well thought out.
It is a new idea for readers to flip through.
Very creative.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Hello, just read your first chapter. Interesting concept and vivid description! You effectively described your setting, which was very helpful for me. Also, you got right into the meat of your story, leaving your readers curious about what will happen next. Best of luck with this.

Jonie

Sovannah,

Wow, all I can say is: wow.

You start off with great suspense, letting the reader wonder what this person predicted for the boy. The dialogue at the fair is believable, fast-paced, well-written.

Your writing of the fortune teller scene was suspenseful.

The scenes alternating between Heaven and earth, show you really dived into your research in order work with it so well.

Overall: Well-done! Your Christian and YA audience will find this a very pleasurable read.

Alice Kim

I have starred and wl'd this exciting manuscript!. You have done your Homework and the reader can tell!:) I see this being very successful and hitting a homerun with your Target audience! You've got major talent babe, and I look forward to reading anything and everything you write.:)
Love and blessings to you,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

It doesn’t take long to realize that you’re done quite a bit of research to support how the storyline advances.

Your use of imagery is quite vivid. A person can see what is unfolding in their head, or I should say, I can see it in mine.

There are some problems:

Prologue: the reigns of Rome, Greece, Persia (comma needed here) and Babylon…

Moses wasn’t tall a kid but he wasn’t short either, flows better as, Moses wasn’t a tall kid, but he wasn’t short either.

In paragraph six of your prologue, I suggest eliminating, if not both, then at least one “slightly.” Allow the adjectives to give punch to the description. Also, in the same paragraph, you have already told us in line 1 that Moses is a teenager, no need to remind us in line five. If you’re being repetitive,

Paragraph seven might read better as, “Hello, Moses, did Henry evacuate the shaft?” He awaited the answer as he placed the scripts and artifacts in a wooden chest.

“…they await (for?) you in the mountains.”

Their black shadows slowly moved (crawled(?)-sometimes one accurate word is better than two) across the horrific drawings of the sons of the gods and carvings of ancient, bloody wars with strange disks flying across the sky were painted on the walls around them…with blood. I consider this awkward sentence construction with questionable comma placement. Also, you may want to reconsider using “bloody” and “blood” in the same sentence.

One of the men, Governor…Germany?” Reads like a run-on sentence.

“This prophecy I’ve told you about, I haven’t told you what it is.” Sounds contradictory.

Be careful of the words you choose. During the timeframe you have us in at the beginning, I think “world” would be more feasible than “planet.” When writing in the past, stay in the past.

There are additional punctuation and grammar concerns, but I would like to move on to other areas.
In my opinion, the critical problems lie with the progression of the plot. You have a complex storyline. While complexity is one of this story’s strengths, combining action and intensity in certain scenes; it is also its weakness, due to a non-linear progression that makes it hard for the reader to follow.

Your settings are disjointed. I think that makes it harder for the reader to follow the plot, and as complex as this storyline is, a firm foundation of clarity should be established.

Prologue, Scene 1(Listed as Chapter 1): Philip and his son, Moses, at the dig.
Prologue: Scene 2: Six weeks later, Phillip meets with conspirators.
Chapter Zero: 16-year-old boy’s room in Jerusalem
Svene1: 1 week earlier in Minnesota at a fair where brothers get in a fight with a witch.
Scene 2: Boy climbs down tree and encounters Lucifer. (No indication of location or who the boy is)
Scene 3: Heaven-we are introduced to Jophiel and Chamud
Scene 4: 17 years later in Heaven. We are introduced to Ahava.
Chapter 3: Introduction of Jopata. Even more distracting is the difference in text size.
Don’t make the reader work so hard.

The scene where the brothers enter the witch’s tent was a fabulous action scene, especially since things didn’t turn out quite the way they expected them to.

My favorite scene, in Chapter Zero, was where you began with the sound effects of, Tunk, tunk, tunk. This was some of your best writing. The intensity of the horror aspect of it was so good, I had to get up and make sure my door was locked.

I can appreciate what you’re trying to do, as my writing also involves a complex storyline where the reader has to pay close attention in order not to get lost. I did learn from reading your work, the importance of the construction of each scene, and how the intensity of each scene can pull a reader into the story more.

You have a fantastic concept here that has a ton of potential and you’re already on the right track. Just remember that clarity is just as important as the execution of the storyline.

Jsault2003, author of Battle against the Beast
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38506/battle-against-the-beast/read-book/#chapter

Wow! Quite a complex plot you've set up. Why do you spell God like g-d? Explained later? Entertaining stuff with the fortune teller and Lucifer. I like these kinds of stories. You packed a lot of action in with prophecy. Great job! Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

Read the prologue and first chapter. Great stuff! My kind of reading! See you've done your research. Like how you include Nimrod. Like the Revelation quote too. Left the first chapter off at a cliff hanging point that makes me want to keep your book on my shelf and read more. Very interesting and entertaining. Big fan of prophecy and fiction. Only one critique-God should be capitalized at the beginning in your prologue. Will keep on reading and commenting. Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

Hi hun, i ahve now got round to your review, i am sorry it took so long (what with books on here, my degree and kids and husbands lol) as i said i dont do gramma ect as i suck at it!
I must say i liked it in a whole, a nice storyline, which has quite a intense feel to it. The decipted writting is good, but a little long in places (believe me i do this!) apart from that i enjoyed it. i have not read it all but i did like what i looked at
well done x
Hayley

Hi, I just wanted to make one quick note to you.
Ok, asked me if they had the term 'archaeologist' was in use during the 16 hundreds. The answer to that is yes, except more like in Greek and Latin languages. The profession of archaeology have been existing for a very long time, dating back to the 16th century (but Modern Archaeology began at the end of the 19th century.) I've read that France is the "home" of Paleolithic archaeology.
I guess that's it.
X

An enjoyable story, told in a very readable voice and tone. The subject matter is very popular and should do well. I really enjoyed that actual read and wanted very much to read on, which I shall do over the next week. The points I make below are things that stopped my read - got in the way etc. and can be ignored of course. They didn't interfere with the writing being enjoyable and well done, they are editing points. I shall comment again about the overall read when I have read all that's here. Good stuff.

Should it be 'The tall lanky figure......' at the start there? Not sure about some of the words used - they sound rather modern - such as 'pumped his arm' and 'graduated from school.' for 1666 they evoke images of an American college grad. doing a 'Booyah!' with his fist. Also he calls himself 'an archaeologist - was this word in use then? I also think you need to keep in the past tense, so it would be 'since he'd graduated from school, he'd waited....' 'Since he'd travelled to....... he'd waited..' 'Something he'd known (by the way, you put 'something he new..instead of knew)... to be true ever since he'd started his quest...' 'as a boy he'd never accepted his parent's relgion....'

I'm also a bit puzzled because Phillipe the III of France died in the 13th century.

A Frenchman with the name Phillip the Third gives me the impression he's royal. Yet he has sons with Hebraic names. I was confused. I re-read the first part several times to make sure I was understanding who this person is. I'm still not sure except that he has a lot of scrolls and was interested in what his son found.

I also found the sudden appearance of modern phrasing to be disruptive: "...it wasn't like that that was a problem..." and "...pumped his arm in victory..." (which I associate with a golfer sinking a putt or a fullback scoring a touchdown). I could see him "raising his arms in victory" rather than pumping one.

Also, you describe the son as "armature" (a term usually associated with electric motors or weaponry). Did you mean "immature"?

I want to read more because this genre excites me.

Scott

Hello Sovannah:

You are quite a captivating storyteller. From the very beginning you take hold of the reader's attention, as people tend to love a story that begins with an archaeological discovery. My only suggestion is that you clean up the spelling in your pitch since some spelling errors can tend to project a negative image to people who might be browsing profiles before reading the authors' works.

Your Hebrew footnoting is also very helpful.

Best of success in finding publication.

James

An enjoyable story, told in a very readable voice and tone. The subject matter is very popular and should do well. I really enjoyed that actual read and wanted very much to read on, which I shall do over the next week. The points I make below are things that stopped my read - got in the way etc. and can be ignored of course. They didn't interfere with the writing being enjoyable and well done, they are editing points. I shall comment again about the overall read when I have read all that's here. Good stuff.

Should it be 'The tall lanky figure......' at the start there? Not sure about some of the words used - they sound rather modern - such as 'pumped his arm' and 'graduated from school.' for 1666 they evoke images of an American college grad. doing a 'Booyah!' with his fist. Also he calls himself 'an archaeologist - was this word in use then? I also think you need to keep in the past tense, so it would be 'since he'd graduated from school, he'd waited....' 'Since he'd travelled to....... he'd waited..' 'Something he'd known (by the way, you put 'something he new..instead of knew)... to be true ever since he'd started his quest...' 'as a boy he'd never accepted his parent's relgion....'

I'm also a bit puzzled because Phillipe the III of France died in the 13th century.

I read the first four chapters, and they were exhilarating. I had a hard time figuring which brothers were doing which, which one was the subject of the moment, (like the one that bows to Lucifer--is that the oldest? Did I miss a detail?). But wow, an amazing book. I was disappointed not to get to know more of the characters in the beginning. I think the narrative can be improved in some instances, but your poetry pieces, so to speak, are really enticing. Gripped me instantly. I felt so sad for the girl that jumped though--that was a hooker for me right there. God says for her to remember him, this girl forgets and commits suicide. Raises tons of questions! The storyline is a bit hard to follow at times--a bit like hop scotch, but still exciting. Definitely worthy of the shelves. I did notice that you spelled "definitely" wrong in...I think it was the part with the witch. Which was extremely intriguing! Wonderful. Made me think of the guy on "Storm of the Century" by Stephen King. His eyes turn black. Well, I watched the movie. But I like how you present the characters. Compelling. I'd just work on flow in various places. Some of it does seem a bit rushed.
But again, great work! Giving six stars, and backing when I have the chance! Oh--by the way, where did you find out the the #666 put in Arabic means Lucifer--or however it was phrased? I find those little things in the bible immensely interesting. I love looking at biblical numerology and hidden things like that. Like names, their meanings, etc. So intriguing! I chose my pen name, Elora, because it means "The Lord is my Light". I thought that was perfect.
Good luck, and God bless!

--Shieldmaiden

Wow, I am not a seasoned writer so I will do my best on giving you my opinion. I believe you have potential; however your words veer of course way to often forcing me to fill in the blanks to your words. Nonetheless, you seem as if you are seasoned writer with some years of experience by your choice of literature you chose to use in your story.

Really nice pace you have going on in this first chapter. I felt my eyes flying over the page racing to see what would happen next. My only comment is that I would like to have seen all of the print be in the same size. I know, it's a nit-pick, but it's all I could think of! I think it would make your MS look a little more polished and professional. Anyways, best of luck with this! I'll be back and read more as time permits. 5 stars!

Ashley

This book is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO amazing! It is not often that I find a book online that I can totally relate to with my beliefs, and one that is not boring, but this one deffinitely takes the cake for the best online christian, or even non christian, book I have ever read. I usually don't get sucked into to online books, but I had a hard even doing school because I was enjoying this so much (much to my mom's dimay:) Thank you Sovannah for giving us a book that is exciting and mysterious and all around interesting! There are of course grammatical erorrs and typos and such, but what are editors for:) If this book was published, it would deffinitely be one I would buy!

Hey Sovannah,
I just read through chapter four of Conqueror: The first seal. Intriguing. What an imagination you have! Your descriptions are worded thoughtfully so that the reader can see right where you are taking them - to the depths of ancient evil!. There were a few errors that tripped me up and slowed my reading, but the pace of all the action kept me wanting to continue. You developed Philip the frenchman's character very well. I would have liked to have known the boys at the fair a little better. Maybe I would have felt a little more emotion for them if I knew them better. There is alot happening here. Just make sure you don't leave the reader confused. I had to work the dates in my head. (a year later, 50 minutes before the first seal, two weeks later...) I think once you get the bugs worked out, this is going to be a thriller of the apocalypse kind! Good job!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Hey Yannis,
Thank you lots for your meticulous comment. I'm glad you liked what I put up so far of my story, and I found your advice extremely helpful.
And by the way the term "G-d" is "God". I wrote "God" that way cuz it's the Jewish way of respect to him. Make sense?

And thank you again.

Just to let you know I put your book on my watchlist.

Hello Sovannah,

You have a knack for creating a dark atmosphere in your scenes. I appreciated that while I was drawn into your story. Also, something I couldn't get my mind off: "For Pete's sake" ...excellent world building. You are using a lot of Jewish names and this adds to the atmosphere and your theme.

It shows that you have taken the time to do the research on matters of religion and that you have put your mind in creating a few interesting what-ifs. This story could well be one that I'd buy in a bookstore, if it were a bit "cleaner". It has an interesting plot and a good storyteller behind it... It needs however, serious editing.

A few examples, I took note of while reading, follow:


Suggestions:
- Why not put archaeology after Forbidden in capital a too? It sounds mysterious... Forbidden Archaelogy.
- ..he never *bought" his parent's religion... Accepted maybe? Bought is not wrong, but it didn't cling right when compared to the voice of the narrator.
- should be "Moses' father didn't SEEM impressed yet.."
- the part "They came to a cedar door...[...]...awaited for their hosts" should be written as follows: "They came to a cedar door, a gargoyle's face carved onto it. Moses pushed the door open for his father, who entered into a magnificent gallery. There, five other men and their sons, all about Moses' age, awaited their hosts." (my suggestion includes corrections on punctuation and syntax mostly...)
-"You will become G-d." I don't know what G-d is...and you mention it again in chapter zero..
- Should be "You can be A PART of this world'S reformation"
- Should be "Of COURSE Adonis"
I stopped at some point, cause my intention is not to break your spirit, but to encourage you to work on making it shine.

5 stars from me to prove that I liked your story. Edit, edit, edit...

Yannis
The Book of the Forsaken.

Hello Sovannah,

You have a knack for creating a dark atmosphere in your scenes. I appreciated that while I was drawn into your story. Also, something I couldn't get my mind off: "For Pete's sake" ...excellent world building. You are using a lot of Jewish names and this adds to the atmosphere and your theme.

It shows that you have taken the time to do the research on matters of religion and that you have put your mind in creating a few interesting what-ifs. This story could well be one that I'd buy in a bookstore, if it were a bit "cleaner". It has an interesting plot and a good storyteller behind it... It needs however, serious editing.

A few examples, I took note of while reading, follow:


Suggestions:
- Why not put archaeology after Forbidden in capital a too? It sounds mysterious... Forbidden Archaelogy.
- ..he never *bought" his parent's religion... Accepted maybe? Bought is not wrong, but it didn't cling right when compared to the voice of the narrator.
- should be "Moses' father didn't SEEM impressed yet.."
- the part "They came to a cedar door...[...]...awaited for their hosts" should be written as follows: "They came to a cedar door, a gargoyle's face carved onto it. Moses pushed the door open for his father, who entered into a magnificent gallery. There, five other men and their sons, all about Moses' age, awaited their hosts." (my suggestion includes corrections on punctuation and syntax mostly...)
-"You will become G-d." I don't know what G-d is...and you mention it again in chapter zero..
- Should be "You can be A PART of this world'S reformation"
- Should be "Of COURSE Adonis"
I stopped at some point, cause my intention is not to break your spirit, but to encourage you to work on making it shine.

5 stars from me to prove that I liked your story. Edit, edit, edit...

Yannis
The Book of the Forsaken.

this is a complex and involved story; but you tell it so well and simply from the start, with excellent narrative and dialogue...a superb fantasy adventure...
six stars*****
read SEASONS...

Backed and star rated Conqueror; The First Seal. Very interesting plot with Lucifer after the few chosen. Jopata is a strong character caught in the middle between good and evil. Great job with description. Hope you will take time to read and back our book, Dark Side.
CC Brown
A few errors in mechanics you might want to correct in you when you decide to edit.
1. In you title use a colon instead of a semi-colon---Conqueror: The First Seal.
2. Second paragraph of prologue-With shaky fingers he snatched up his quill pen, dipping it in the black ink. Should be written with a comma after the prepositional phrase. With shaky fingers, he snatched up his quill pen, dipping it in the black ink.
3.Third paragraph of prologue-prepositional phrase needs a comma. Example: For years, he waited. In France, he was raised as a Roman Catholic,..
4.Typing error in 5th paragraph. Plus need the one sentence made into 2 sentences. Example: Moses wasn’t a tall kid, but he wasn’t short either. Neither was he husky or lanky.

This could be tightened up a bit. There's a good story working here, but it's a bit overwritten...ease up on the adjectives and take another look at the dialogue...there's nothing over the top, just a bit unnatural.

Lockjaw

I do like the plot of your story, however you do have a few typo's that occasionally pauses the flow of the story, but this is something that can be sorted out with a quick read through. I love the darkness that is already coming out in your book and the evilness of Philip to so quickly harm Adonis just to show off his power. This tale has a lot of potential :-)