Brotherhood of Shades

Dawn,
Beautiful writing. Congratulations on getting published. Proud of you, it's a well deserved achievement.
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

Dawn,
What a fantastic premise, a youngster taken from death by a Brotherhood in need of a gatekeeper separating the realms of the living and the dead. Adam is a sympathertic character though stubborn and willful, certainly traits that keep him going in the most trying of circumstances. Your narrative moves at a brisk pace enhanced by the vivd scenes you provide. Thank you for sharing.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Updated and edited again to deal with a number of issues that had slipped the net. This book has been filed away for almost five years so needed a good dusting off!

Really enjoyed the historical start of this interesting novel. The descriptions are a par above the normal and really brought the time to life for me. The double time line makes for fascinating reading. Nice one!

Genius and original, wonderful and delightfully dark!. I can't wait to hold it in my hands as a proper book!

Obviously your extensive reading and work as a librarian have given you skills. You know how to write, lady. I was instantly drawn in and you evoked great imagery. I've only read the first chapter but I want to know more - from the King destroying the monasteries, to the mysterious girl and her abandoned child. You definitely catch your readers attention. I'm putting it on my WL and giving you six stars.

If you have some time I'd really appreciate it if you checked out my young adult novel The Emblem of Eternity. It's inspired by the murder of Larry Fobes King, who was shot in the head after asking a boy in his class to be his Valentine.

-Raziel

The opening paragraph gripped me. I love books on this subject. I was also immediately impressed with your writing. It's tightly written and fast-paced.

As I read, I had a few nitpicks.

Make sure you review the rules of punctuating dialogue. There are a few problems here.

Should be: "inquired the older man."

You need a comma prior to "turning back just before he left."

A general polish will help clean up any other minor mistakes.

Other than that, my only real issue was I didn't connect with any of your characters. Is it possible to get into the head of your characters sooner and in a grander scale? There's a bit of a gap to bridge since their dialogue is hard to read since it is from another time. Stronger characterization will help bring your reader into your story quicker. Along the same lines, I wonder if your target audience will be able to connect with your characters. At the moment, it doesn't read like it's written for younger readers.

In the end, this is a solid start to a fascinating topic. It was a pleasure to read. Great work!

Hi, Very interesting book. I felt I have to back it and done so. Perhaps you could return the favour and back mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith. If you do many thanks. Best wishes, John.

Chapter three

Ah. Back on solid writing ground here, like chapter one. Nothing but praise here. One thing - having told us the date on both the first two chapters, I didn't know where or when I was here - way back, or today.

You are really showing the broad scope here, from the monks, to present day, to this high-tech and magic setting. I'm really enjoying this read, as you can probably tell. Excellent. Need to have lunch, but have lots of stars, and a place on my shelf next month at changeover.
Cariad.

Chapter two.
This seemed a bit different to chapter one for me. It didn't read as well or as smoothly, so there's some niggles here that you can ignore if you want, it's only me saying what I thought as I read along:

I think you need a semi colon or full stop again after the first bit - 'He woke in the ambulance; not that....' Also not sure about that sentence starting 'just the..' Maybe 'There was just... or something?
'Why am I tied down?' He asked...... I don't think it's a capital H there.
You say everyone was talking and no one was talking to him, but then you say 'What's your name?' she kept repeating, which means they had been, even if only to ask that.

My other problem with this beginning is that it's apparently from his viewpoint - what he thinks he remembers or is aware of etc, but then, when he's clearly almost dead, we hear that doors are coming open and covers taken from him - but he couldn't know this.

I don't like the 'info-dump' (as the other poster put it) way of telling us his backstory. Maybe it could have been fed in earlier, perhaps as memories as he lay in and out of consciousness. You have such a fine writing style, it seems a little like you knew you had to put it in somewhere so slammed it all in there.

On to chapter three

I have to say, this is very good indeed. You created interest for me from the get-go. I felt immediately inside the world you have created, invested with the characters and full of interest to see where it was going.

The pitches are good, showing the wide scope of the book, and I think you've got most of the elements necessary to interest certainly your target audience, and me too!

Tiny point - '...fouled peasants here this night, I am too weary and there is no more space here...' - two 'here's jarred. You don't need one after 'space' anyway. Second, I think you need a semi-colon or full stop after 'night..'

I love the way you describe the workings of the abbey and the monks, and you manage to invest your characters with so much personanility. I think I'm gushing a bit now, so will carry on to chapter two....

I decided to read this book, out of the two...it's hard to promote two books on this site.

I really enjoyed what I read so far. You have a clear voice, in both chapters I've read, you are able to present an atomsphere right for the scene. No small accomplishment since they are different periods of time. I am committed to knowing more about the story (and will return to read some more later today, but will only comment more if I feel I have something to add). I think that committment to know more comes mostly from your pitch and the first chapter.

My only (small) nitpick would be that in chapter two you give the boy's back-story in what feels an unreal way (info dump--hate the term--seems too harsh) and I think you could strengthen this chapter by finding a better way of getting that back-story to the reader.

This is a marvelous story, very different and fresh. Well done.
Barbara
The Battle of Sheol.