The Radio

Hi Jonathan,
Read a few chapters of your lovely book...you have a good story going here, with interesting characters and good pace. Highly starred and best of luck with this! Ruby

Dear Jonathan

I have read six chapters of "The Radio".

You write in an easy style, which manages to be both imaginative and careful. An interesting combination which hints at darker things to come. You observe beautifully, that "caught in a web" feeling of a spouse at the but end of everyone else's expectations. There is a great deal of quiet humour here, too, which is just as it would be in life.

I wonder that your book has not been more widely read, as it can certainly stand alongside anything else uploaded on this site. I enjoy an amusing book, intelligent and careful. I am glad indeed that I found it.

All the best with this. Highly rated.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

4 chapters read.
Straight from the off, this is clearly a very well written piece with a very funny, downtrodden main protagonist.
First two chapters flew by, but the third slowed it down a litle. A little mor economy in the nrrative may speed things up a bit. Chpter 4 was straight back on form, and mademe laugh several times. Overall i very much enjoyed it, and am happy to put it on my shelf.
I can almost see why tha publisher would be afrid of the quintessential Englishness of this book. felt like i sould have been drinking a cup of tea off a saucer while reading it. some aspects of the family interactions reminded me of "Abigail's Party".
Highly starred as well as going on my shelf.

George is quite the protagonist -- flawed and hapless enough to be funny and intriguing but not so much that you want to smack him around.

Nice use of humor, and you certainly have a solid command of the English language. All in all, I like what I've read thus far (first 5 chapters), though feel you could sharpen it up a bit with some simple fixes. For instance, there are some throw-way sentences that only weaken the narrative, such as, "It was a wonderful, warm, sunny afternoon." Not the strongest start to a chapter. I only say this because I've seen what you are capable of.

Great dialogue and a compelling plot that unfolds nicely, though things can drag a bit in places. Be careful of over-explaining things that aren't integral to driving the story along, or at least inducing laughter. (I, for one, think it's okay to extend narrative a bit if it enhances the pure enjoyment of the tale. Think Joseph Heller.)

This is one of the better comedies on this site. My shelf is jam-packed at the moment, but I'll try to create enough space for a radio to fit on it soon.

Best of luck!

GL

The Radio

I know; finally! It was well worth the wait Jonathan. I normally try to offer constructive criticism or suggestions for further developments and I will do that, but I need to pause first and let you know what I think you've got right. Here we have a hen-picked husband, failed father who's life has reached a moment of extreme ennui. He stares into the black hole of the future and is confronted with a bleakness that might freeze his soul. The characterisations here are strong, from the awful babysitters of chapter two, Maxine and Boycee like figure of OF&H, through to the little old lady floored by the evil little Adam, all under-stated and well played.

George's bubbling rage, his resounding boredom come through without you have to belabour these points. I found myself smiling strongly when George's response to Sheila's revelation after the shopping trip is to reflect on the credit card issue.

My suggestions are small and they are around editing, I still found several places where you are clearly enjoying yourself too much and need to cut down the prose, generally by a word or two, nothing drastic in many sentences. I always remember a piece of advice I was given in the early days of this site, in re-writing, deconstruct your most loved sentences, see if you can string together the same sentiment in a much more succinct way and if you can't start taking words out of this sentence until it reaches a point where the removal of one further word will leave it unintelligible, then, you will have a well-edited manuscript my son. You get carried away sometimes, I felt the first chapter with the loft exploration could have benefitted from being a half page shorter. This is a general point for all of us of course.

But, very,very slick and you will get my support in the forums sometime soon, best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Benevolence)

This is such a great piece. I loved the subtle little bits of humor and 'oddments' laced throughout, each tucked under various frumpy corners and springing from behind every dusty piece of personal Yogi Berra-isms. The whole thing has a very smooth, easy flow to it that slowly paints out the details of the character's lives one Norman Rockwell-esq brushstroke at a time (well, the colloquial British equivalent). After only a few pages, I almost felt like I was sitting in these people's quaint little bungalow/cottage, keeping score of the various little back-and-forth volleys, while trying hard not to feel too sorry for the poor hen-pecked chap...

"'That's wonderful,' unsure whether he was referring to his own credit limit intuition or..." Too funny!

Steve
"At the Narrow End of Time" and "Epiphany"

The Radio
Hi Jonathan. This book had me giggling one minute and in tears the next. I felt sorry for George (and angry on his behalf!) - he’s such a hapless individual – and my heart ached for Adam. As for Sheila and Sam, though – grrrr!
A clever, absorbing read with some superb characterisation. Deserves to do very well. Exceptionally well-written.
Kat xxx

Note on chapter one: When Sam is first introduced you should say her full name so we know it is a female. I thought this was his daughter's husband, or some other guy, and had to go back and reread to figure it out.

OK, moving on...Chapter 2 - start with a header that tells us upfront that this is years earlier. Go easy on us! I know we can figure it out eventually, but why make us work so hard? It makes us feel stupid and separates us from the story.

This chapter feels like it needs cutting to tighten it up and move the story along faster. There is a bunch of extra stuff that doesn't really contribute anything. If it doesn't add, it subtracts (my writing mentor's #1 rule!).

All in all, the beginning is promising but then you don't set the hook. You need to get into the meat of it faster. Good writing, some very funny stuff, and a good premise. You are expecting too mush patience from the readers, though.

If you edit this, let me know. I'd love to read it again. ~Gail

I've heard some good whispers about this book. Have only had time to scan the first chapter so far, but it's full of clever descriptiveness about mundane everyday things - and that's a key ingredient of good comedy.

This is on my watchlist, and will read more over the next day or two.

Hi Jonathan

Bit later than promised, but here I am.

OK, The Radio. Nice cover and your pitch does the job. I’ve read your first four chapters and I like George. He’s very hapless but he’s a relateable character and I liked the opening – it told us what kind of man he is and I also liked that it was from both POV’s. I was a bit confused as to the time shift after the first chapter as it wasn’t marked out as one, so I did think that could be cleared up a bit.

In terms of your writing, I think you have a nice style. The pace was good and the comedy interspersed without being too ‘in your face’. It could do with an edit, mostly to get rid of some ‘that’’s as they can make sentences seem clunky, but otherwise this was really good and I found myself breezing through.

Sprinkling of stars for you

Silva

I am really liking this so far, Jonathan. You are a good writer and it's a pleasure. More specific comments tomorrow...

fab! Absolutely great. Being from Yorkshire I really get the humour and would buy this book now if I could.

Very well written. I'm not entirely sure what's happening but I couldn't stop reading just the same.

Love the cover, the short pitch is clever (although the wording might need tweaking just to get it to flow more smoothly), long pitch displays an original premise and a number of plot angles to be explored. I love black humour of the British variety, so right up my alley. Only had time to read the first couple of chapters but have watchlisted and will be back for more. 5 stars.

MP Jones (They Shoot Birds Don't They?)

Really enjoying this. Funny yet sensitive. Your characters are well drawn. I'm not one for expansive critiques sorry, but I will comment on those books I like, and I like yours a great deal.
Well done.

Thanks Warrick - I apreciate you taking the time to read it.

You should certainly read on...the chapters are deisgned in a specific way which become clearer the more you read.
All the best
Jonathan

Jonathan,

I love your characters and the idea, absolutely brilliant.
However, I was a little bemused when moving from ch1 ro ch2 Mollie was about to come round, and George had just found the radio. There was then no mention of either Mollie or the radio in ch2. Maybe I should have read on to ch3 to get an explanation?

Having said this, I definitely like your story, it's amusing and thought provoking, being so close to reality, so I will put it on my watch list.

Regards
Warrick

This is superb! It has a bit of everything - although classified as comedy it's far more. Brilliant character development from the start and an intriguing though tongue in cheek storyline! Backed and starred.

Liz
The Cheech Room

It's good to see some more comedy on here, especially when it's written so well.
Well done. Rated highly.
Good luck getting this noticed.
Christina
Take a Sick Break

Jonathan,

I love your characters and the idea, absolutely brilliant.
However, I was a little bemused when moving from ch1 ro ch2 Mollie was about to come round, and George had just found the radio. There was then no mention of either Mollie or the radio in ch2. Maybe I should have read on to ch3 to get an explanation?

Having said this, I definitely like your story, it's amusing and thought provoking, being so close to reality, so I will put it on my watch list.

Regards
Warrick

Love it. The characters are brilliantly drawn - loved George's wonky glasses and Sheila's make-up routine.
Actually, they sound very much like my own parents - Ha!
I judged the content of your book by its cover and was pleased to be entertained.
I have only read a couple of chapters, but will be reading all of it pretty soon.
Have rated and starred.
Kaye

Intruiging. It seemed to have all sorts of flavours, from comedy to romance, to mystery..... there's also something touching about elements of it, too - those details you mention that will be so familiar to people, those funny actions we all perform without any reason. I'm liking it so far, but must turn in and finish up tomorrow.
Cariad.

Hi Jonathan,
Saw your forum threads and popped over to have a look. Thoroughly enjoyed the first five chapters, well written, I saw no typos. George is passively humorous but I can’t stand Sheila! She’s so mean to poor doormat George. If I met her in real life I would slap her. Adam, yikes. Potential psychopath? Enjoyed the section where she gave birth to Sam and George was in charge of the handbag :-)
I admire your talent for subtle dark humour.
I really enjoyed this and have given you five stars.
(Tip - below you have replied to Ross in your own comment section, something I myself once did and a lot of newbies still do. The only way Ross will see that is if he one day returns to your book. If you want to reply to someones comment click on their name which will take you to their profile page and leave a message there for them)
Tammy :-)

Ross,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. It is very much appreciated. I will certainly take your constructive comments on board.

All the very best

Jonathan

- The Radio -

(chapters one to three)

I decided to have a quick read of this because I liked the premise. It seemed, from the pitch, that I'd be in for a light-hearted and quirky comedy which would still deliver a touch of sadness.

I was certainly not let down on any front here. George is a very sympathetic lead and there's something very comforting about his henpecked ways., something familiar.

I must admit, I didn't sit down with pen and pad so I'm afraid my comment won't exactly be in-depth. One thing I would mention in terms of constructive criticism, however, is that most of those past perfect constructions in the chapters I read can be replaced with the past simple, and I'd suggest doing so to avoid the repitition of 'had'. This was present throughout what I read but certainly more so in the first chapter than in chapters two and three.

In any case, I'm a complete novice a an author so I make no claim to being right about these things and my comments may be taken or left as desired.

If there's anything I haven't articulated well that you'd like me to expand on, just let me know.

Certainly an entertaining and well written piece though.

All the best with it,

Ross