Witchlight

Beautifully written story. I love the way you begin with the cat killing the mouse, giving a simultaneously cosy and sinister start to the book. Pussy cats are killing and torturing machines after all. It's a brilliant way to set the tone which seems to underlie the whole story. At one moment it's humorous and fun but underneath there are dark moments like the deaths in the fire. Not sure | would mention Harry Potter in your story. After all you are writing something different. Maybe even better!
High stars and thank you for a fun read. Staying on my watchlist.

WITCHLIGHT
This is a clever story. And very unique. This site is so flooded with teenage witches who wake up one morning and instantly realize they’re a witch, what a relief it was to discover a middle-aged woman who was a witch but didn’t even know it yet. Holly is a wonderful character because of the way she dismisses magic as anything more than special movie effects. Partridge is a second good character although I’m very suspicious he has more up his sleeve than another magic trick; he’s too slick and too happy at his mentoring job for there not to be something in this for him. Overall, a great read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Nice work, J. S.
The only fix I would suggest is to count the number of 'was' words you use in the opening chapter. Try highlighting them, and you will easily see where they cluster.

Cheers, and happy writing.
Christine Elaine

Hi,
Well let me say right at the outset that I really like this and apart from one or two places where words are repeated or there are a couple of commas too many it flows beautifully and I really want to know more.

You have some wonderful phrases I love the bit about Holly's ego taking a quick moult that made me smile.

Like one of the other reviewers, I have to admit that I also stumble over Holly's language occasionally, she seems to use words that are a little too strong for the situation she's in and I wonder what word she's going to use when she really gets in a fix.

The other thing is that I cannot bring her to mind at all, Partridge, yep I can see him but Holly? is she fat, is she thin, is she blond or dark, I don't remember seeing any description of her and if there is one it didn't stay with me.

But I have read all that you have posted so far I've enjoyed it and am looking forward to reading more.

Marie
Qualia

I love the premise, my type of read. The bantering between Holly and her fairy godfather in Ch1 is both entertaining and enlightening for what is sure to follow. I really like the fact Holly is not a twenty something character but a woman of some sense and sensibilities.
I have it on my WL, so I can keep reading the rest of it.

Well done, high stars from me.

Linda
Threads of Time

I have read all the chapters that you have posted on authonomy and enjoyed what I've read. "Witchlight" is a very fluent and professional piece of writing; there are no typos as far as I could see, nor anything I feel I need to flag up as an error. The narrative voice sets exactly the right tone, and the dialogue is totally spot on. What I particularly like are the witty little touches, like the budgerigar reciting the rules of the library; or the flypast of paper planes in the kitchen; or the fact that when Holly "reconstructs" the ruined farmhouse, there are roses growing around the door - exactly as there should be in the ideal rural retreat.

I hope you don't think I'm denigrating the story if I describe it as "Harry Potter for grownups" but that is exactly the phrase that popped into my head while I was reading. I think it might have been the witch beaurocracy that did it - just a little reminiscent of the "Ministry of Magic". (I have a feeling that the beaurocracy could develop into something really Kafkaesque, too.)

I like Holly - she comes across as a real woman who certainly won't stand for any nonsense from anyone (least of all Partridge Mayflower, and quite rightly so). Not quite so sure about Partridge himself, however; he felt a bit "camp" for my liking and I worry that unless you keep a tight hold on his character development he might get a bit cliched. Also, although it's an entertaining read and holds the readers interest, other than hints about searching for Holly's true parentage there are few signs of a real plot developing. (I know: my own novels have something of a "slow burn" start, too, so perhaps it is a little hypocritical of me to say this.) From the pitch, it's clear that things are going to get much darker with the arrival of the Old Magic - I wonder if you run the risk losing the interest of some of your readers if you don't foreshadow some of this early on.

Anyway, these are just my "off the top of my head" thoughts, so please treat them with as many pinches of salt as you think they deserve. Good luck with "Witchlight" - I want to wish you all success with it.

best wishes and good writing, John.

This is good fun, JS. The prose has an attractively conversational, almost chatty feel which seems just right for this type of novel. I love all the quirky, slightly off-kilter comic observations (eg. the cat having been taught by its mother to play with its food!!) and the often very funny conversational exchanges – really helps to bring the prose alive and reinforce the appealingly playful tone of the narrative. Clever stuff.

In terms of the nuts and bolts of the writing, this feels like a very polished piece of work. I did notice that some of the compound adjectives (age-old, yellow-coloured, three-year-old) appear to be missing their hyphens and, for my taste, the prose often feels a bit ‘light’ on commas. Also, some of the punctuation surrounding dialogue (eg. separating non-dialogue-tagged prose from dialogue with a comma instead of a full-stop) may warrant a bit of a rethink. Lastly, some of the phrasing/word choice (eg. ‘pseudo leap’, ‘unduly familiar’) did make me stumble slightly. All of the above, though, are really minor points and easily cleared up in the edit, if you should choose to do so.

The dialogue feels particularly good. It’s crisp and direct and, as well as helping to flesh out the novel’s various characters, adds tremendous energy to the scenes (good use of free-standing, tagless exchanges). It’s also (as mentioned above) extremely amusing in places (eg. ‘It’s not a frigging role…’!!) and imbues the novel with a terrifically anarchic, almost slapstick comedy. Nicely done. I do feel, however, that while the dialogue feels real - and the various characters come across as both consistent and distinct - in places, the conversational exchanges feel slightly flabby, almost purposeless and could benefit from a bit of a prune so that what’s left is leaner/punchier and more effective. Just a thought.

Holly comes across as an extremely feisty, funny, appealingly flawed main character, someone the reader can immediately identify with and root for. I like your use of italicised internal monologue inserts to provide the reader with an immediate snapshot of her mindset/emotions, although I was a bit surprised you didn’t use this technique more. I was also a little surprised that you didn’t begin the novel with Holly, maybe demonstrating the mundane, truly unremarkable nature of her life pre Partridge’s arrival. I think this might provide the reader with a fuller, more rounded appreciation of her character and perhaps make the contrast between what her life is like before and after Partridge’s revelations even starker, more dramatic.

I’m also not 100% sure whether it’s a good idea to include swear words like ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ in a novel of this type. I’ve got nothing against the words themselves, it’s just they feel rather out of place given the appealingly playful, almost jovial tone of the rest of the book. Maybe have Holly on the verge of saying ‘fuck’, for example, and then, mindful of Partridge’s presence etc, changing to ‘fiddlesticks’ or something equally inoffensive?? Comically, if nothing else, I think this might work well??

The plot itself sounds innovative, distinctive and terrifically imaginative (I loved the scenes in the library and the whole idea of a frustratingly cumbersome bureaucracy behind the coven!!) and, with its blend of humour, fantasy and escapist adventure, should appeal to a broad cross-section of readers.

In short, a very witty, original, entertaining opening. Highly starred and on my watchlist for further reading. Thanks and best of luck. P

Hey, J.S Watts:
I love the concept, it is really different and I love that the main character is older while coming into her power, which is completely different then most stories. In the first chapter I was slightly confused why there was so much detail on the cat which then wasn't given any real meaning until near the end of the chapter. You could probably also break this ito two different chapters because a lot is going on and I thought it went really quickly. By breaking it into two chapters you could give a lot more attention to details since the first chapter or two is really introducing the concept of who the character is and what mat happen in the book. I liked the dialogue, it was very straight to the point. After the first chapter you have set it up to be a really interesting book. Best of Luck.

Shades of Grey.

Hello J .S. Watts

book -Witchlight--

Read all four chapter posted of this extremely pleasant story- in fact I should say - delightful feel good read-
Written as is in a brilliant literary flow of words- with lovely short and crisp dialogue to set this story in motion-

Love the line about silence in the kitchen-- ' now thoughful and and hungover' enchanting' and to savour.
as is ' Barry the mog-
I could go on and on - oh nearly forgot but the cover captures to story to be told to pervection-

this book get my six stars with pleasure and I feel will do very well and is deserves to-

Tom Bye Dublin Ireland
book- from hugs to kisses-
mogs galore in chapter two of mine and fantasy see chapter 16 - oblige and glance when time please- than ks

Anything to do with magic alwyas gets my interest! I read the first chapter and enjoyed the bantering between Holly and her fairy god father. Call me a mentee- quite original. I have starred it well and hope to get back to read the next chapter soon.
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

Just finished reading the four chapters (fell asleep reading it last night - but that's a good thing, it was very late but I still couldn't put the laptop away, I was enjoying this so much). I love the way you've taken a story that sounds like it could be YA but is firmly adult. Something in it reminds me of the Terry Pratchett Tiffany Aching books (but with a very grown up Tiffany).

I'm assuming from the pitch that the Old Magic will bring a much darker element into the story and the obvious question for me is how that connects into her abandonment at birth. The way that Holly picks up on magic so quickly and finds herself doing things unexpectedly (like the make-up and hair), followed by her travel and the second pop, all hint at the magic developing in ways Holly and others may not be prepared for. The fact that Partridge looks different to Sarah than he does to Holly also makes me wonder about him and starts to lead in the element in the pitch about who Holly can trust.

I was so engrossed in the story that if there were any typos etc, I didn't notice them.

Strong opening, full of hooks to keep me reading.

Now I've read through to the end of all you have posted here. I am enjoying this so very much. Your characters are realistic and well-drawn. The dialogue flows, the pace of the story is just right and I really only have one major thing to say and that's that I was bloody disappointed when it ended. Can I have more please?

I'm enjoying this very much. My first reaction is that Holly reminds me of Granny Weatherwax (I think that's her name) from Terry Pratchett's Wintersmith - that's what came to mind immediately. It also is very clear to me that you had a lot of fun writing this - in a good way. It comes across in the writing. I am not one to leave grammatical comments etc. - I usually need others to leave those kinds of nit-picks for me. So this is just probably going to be me telling you how much I'm enjoying reading this, because so far, that's what it is. Just a pure pleasure and joy to read. You had me laughing out loud in multiple places. My favorites so far? The cats being compared to electric food mixers and Partridge covering for who he was by announcing that he was teaching Holly Chinese. Leaving this for now and will add more when I've read through chapters 3 and 4 completely.

Just some thoughts while I read.

----- I thought you could probably tighten a couple of things….for example – I don’t think you need the ‘almost’ with relieved sigh – almost means it didn’t sigh, in which case what did it do if only almost gave a relieved sigh…..also wasn’t sure why ‘final’ was in relation to the mouse hole…It kind of implies it ran into other mouse holes before reaching the final one.

To be honest, as a woman two years or so off the milestone of forty, she was rather more surprised at being called girlie than by the pseudo leap. ---- I like that

She revised this slightly -----don’t need the slightly and not sure how you can slightly realize something
“Never?” ---might need a said tag here, as it’s the first dialogue after the last narrative

This silence was starting to spawn little silences of its own. Eventually those silences would grow up to have their own silences. ---- I like that last line, although I wonder if we are hearing about silences just a little too much – maybe provide an action when there is silence that will convey silence – eg….picked up a drink and took a slow mouthful or something

I’ve now realized that after a narrative almost all the dialogue comes without said tags and I have been getting a little lost at times – you may need to stick one or two in places to ground us.
Holly looked at Partridge in unblinking silence. ------ there’s that silence again ;)

An overall thought on your opening chapter. I love the interaction between Holly and Partridge – I like the dialogue but as I said earlier I do feel you need a few said in tags there or even some action if you don’t want to use the tags. I think has a bit of rhythm, and I enjoyed the flow of it, that it isn't bogged down in narrative or description, but i do wonder as you have this marked as fantasy, if you may need a great deal more description to bring this world to your read. I felt like I was reading a kids story, nothing wrong with that. I think it was that aspect that enjoyed and the hint of humour throughout.

I will try and get back to read more as time allows.

I'm not qualified to give a real critique on the technical aspects of writing but I've read all four chapters and found them clear and descriptive. The story is rather exciting as Holly learns of her ability. It seems she has a lot more power than she or her tutor realize and that will play a part in the rest of the story. Excellent word pictures and a very good read. Starred highly

Great night read! Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown.
Sue50

Hi, JS! Witchlight is a gentle, very English story - love the witchy bureaucracy! I'm glad Holly has begun experimenting, perhaps foolishly, with her powers, which can only lead the story into some exciting areas we have not touched on yet. I can't imagine what is in store for Holly, but I would certainly like to find more clues sprinkled along the way. And I have a few questions - why has it taken so long for Partridge to appear in her life? What was his immediate motive? She doesn't seem to be in trouble, or need his help - is there something going on in the witch world that needs Holly's powers? The story slightly lacks pace, partly because of the timing I've already mentioned, but also, Holly needs to be getting into trouble a bit more with her new powers - they don't really seem to have impacted on her work life or her tranquillity. I'm not saying they should make her unhappy, just that there needs to be more impact on her - its such a huge thing to take on board. If you revise or add chapters, please let me know, I would like to read more! Fan K

Looking forward to reading more of this. I've enjoyed what I've read so far.

i think youve got a really great storyline here. the world youve created here is just so lovely that i cant help but always admire people with such imaginations as something like this would require. i really like your dialogue but i wasnt a fan of when i came to the "in summary" part. i didnt feel like i was in the book anymore. i felt like i missed something. just a thought, but please do keep in mind, that is just my personal opinion, others may not agree with me.

thank you again for your feedback on Gut Instincts,
melissa :)

Witchlight great title and cover! J,S, after reading 3 chapters I found this story an hugely enjoyable fun read, with a great mix of characters. Witches, cats and witchcraft will keep you up all night in a sweaty, addicted bubbly reading frenzy. It did with me last night a real page turner.!
On my WL to be backed very soon
Connie King
Sinners and Shadows - I would love you to take a peek at mine.

I've read your first chapter. I like it. It's interesting and humorous. Only a few things I made note of.

1. In summary, his name was Partridge Mayflower...
This information would be better conveyed through dialogue, or perhaps just worded a little differently. The 'in summary' bit removes the reader from the story. A suggestion would be, "Partridge Mayflower introduced himself..." or something to that effect. It's entirely up to you, of course.

2. Should be, "Yes, I am..." rather than "Yes I am..." I noticed a few random typos here and there, but nothing you wouldn't be able to easily spot with a read through.

3. I've never heard it termed "anti-clockwise". Counterclockwise is the usual term, but that's your judgement call.

As I've said, I enjoyed your first chapter. I'll be back to read more. I appreciate your time and comments on my work.

Hi JS, I've just read all four of your chapters. (I did this after reading exchanges on the read with mother thread) and I'm so pleased I did. I really enjoy simple witchcraft stories like this, for me they are uplifting and feelgood. Yours was no exception. You have created some great characters, even the flipping cats! and you write really well, I didn't notice any typos or anything else wrong. I'd love to see this do really well, it deserves it and I'm left wanting more. Please can you just put me out of my misery, what was that other 'pop' she heard from upstairs when she went home to feed the cat? I'm dying to know :( Anyway, well done, I loved it. Jue xx

I am glad to have found and read this; it is well written and very good fun. I don't suppose there is much more of a plot--I understand the 10,000 word lower limit, but it seems to me that I must be missing something. The pitch does not make anything clear about the book as a whole--is Old Magic like the Dark Arts? Is there an evil protagonist, or .... (All good lines of questioning for my own writing I guess.) Anyway, I feel that this deserves five stars (at least), but backing asks for more of the story.

Hello J S,

Browsing for a good read, I hit on "Witchlight." Your first chapter, with considerable skill, introduces two principal characters, sets our sights on magic, and establishes the theme. This all seems natural, with enough conflict to sustain tension derived from Partridge's determination and Holly's incredulity. I see skill also in her self-description--of her height, for instance--while we stay in her head. Of course, Harry Potter has popularized the magic-school idea, but your version, well done, still seems original. In short, you're off to a nice start.

I wish you'd take a look at my novel, "The Doctor of Summitville," and let me know if I've accomplished as much in my first chapter. Does it instill a desire to read on? Yours does, and I will--and I'll get back to you soon with specific comments.

Best of luck, Bill

Hi
I enjoyed reading this and feel it was a nice intro for your book - I like the writing style and also the fact that your protagonist is 38 and out of the usual box for learner witches. Some nice dialogue in there and some good phrasing also.
Suggestions -
I wasnt sure re the first para about the cat and mouse though - it was well written but I didnt feel it grabbed me as it didnt really contribute to the plot - I thought the story really started with para 2 and the apparation of Partridge.
The phrase "closely cropped combination of grass thistles and nettles" this didnt make sense to me as the presence of thistles and nettles suggests to me the greenery is anything but closely cropped?
I've starred it and will be back for more - on my watchlist. Good job on this. If you get a chance check out my book The Angel Chord.
Derek

Hi. I really enjoyed this story. You are natural writer with a poetic voice. I love magic too so what's not to like? I'll be back later with a more detailed crit. Hope you like mine half as much! Backed. ~Gail

Read the first chapter and really enjoyed it. It's almost like a play with all the dialogue, but in a good way. And I love the idea of the main character being thirty-eight instead of twenty; fantasy main characters have way too little age variety. The whole chapter had a very entertaining vibe - your style is great. And the pencil scene reminded me of 'Buffy' which is always good lol.

Suggestions: I felt like you could have done with a chapter before this, introducing Holly and her regular life. Or maybe split this one in two and slow things down a bit. As it is, she just seems remarkably calm, though you do pull it off well.

Putting this on my watchlist and will hopefully get the chance to come back to it soon.

Have you read Witchlight, Ghostlight and Gravelight (3 books) by Marion Zimmer Bradley? You would probably love them. I have yours on my WL and will read it soon, looks good!

I've only read 2 chapters so far, but I'm finding the story interesting, and I'm looking forward to coming back and reading more when I have the time.

I agree that there isnt enough of a background for Holly - I'm having trouble picturing her since the only thing we seem to know is that she's 38, short, and adopted. But other than that, its a good storyline and has a lot of potential. It's also amusing and makes you want to read more. And I disagree with peoples comments about it reading as a childrens book - to me, Holly is definitely coming across as an older woman.

Anyway, I've watchlisted and star rated, and I'll be back in the next few days to read more =)

LF40 Review
I found this an engaging and amusing read. I thought Holly was well portrayed (although I would have liked some more description) and remained consistent throughout the 4 chapters uploaded, but I would like to find out a bit more about her. I would like to think she will develop more beyond these chapters - there must be some heartache, some happiness, some back story to her. Has she really never wondered about her birth parents?

I think you dealt well with incorporating the fantasy element of the story into the normal activities and conversations of Holly's life and it's a great idea that she would have suddenly become registered as a witch at the age of 38, without even knowing about it. The temptation to use magic once she's learned some of it would be just too strong to resist, even though she's been told not to unless absolutely necessary - well surely the need to get your make-up on and hair done in time to go out is necessary?

The opening is clever with the cat having been scrupulously taught by its mother, in the way we discover Holly ought to have been tutored by hers. Also that 'it was a cat, after all' just as Holly is an 'ordinary woman' after all. Or is she?

A tasty line here - 'Their relatively short conversation had already been seasoned with a number of quite notable long pauses'

I love the term 'Witchlight'

I'm not sure about the 'Abracadabra gene', it smacks of magicians at children's parties, but I can see that you might have made a tongue-in-cheek decision to use it.

Again, I can't help admiring your turn of phrase, 'This silence was starting to spawn little silences of its own. Eventually those silences would grow up to have their own little silences'

I must stop quoting now. There are many more delectable phrasings that you're well aware of already. Suffice it to say that your use of language is inventive and readable. The dialogue is convincing and the characterisation of Holly, Partridge and all the later characters has begun well but as I say, I would like to think Holly will become more filled out. The joky tone works well with the story but it could also be used to express darker elements that would flesh out the implacable Holly and her life story. I'm sure many things have happened to her to have made her this 'cock-eyed' - there is a reference to her love life in that she's sworn off men, in chapter 4. Tell us more, perhaps you do in later chapters.

I find the story generally well paced. I wasn't in a hurry for it to gallop forward.
I love the way Holly puts Partridge in his place right from the start - the way he automatically checks himself when he starts to say 'Girlie' or 'godchildren'. As if she's got the better of him and he's a bit nervous of her.

I was just disappointed there wasn't more. Please upload some more?
I'm putting it on my shelf now.

P.S. Thanks for being I think the first person to back me.
Tracey
The Last Time We saw Marion

A fast paced, funny fantasy. I loved the characters and their dialogue. Holly works for me and reminds me of someone who is a fair bit older than her, so Idon't think she comes accross as too young for thirty-eight.

I was left wanting to read more. Great stuff!

A fast paced, funny fantasy. I loved the characters and their dialogue. Holly works for me and reminds me of someone who is a fair bit older than her, so Idon't think she comes accross as too young for thirty-eight.

I was left wanting to read more. Great stuff!

I've read and enjoyed all four chapters. I have to agree with olefish that this reads like a children's book and that Holly seems much younger than 38. Partridge is an excellent character though. The magical talents and witch history seems well worked out. I particularly liked the 'glamour' spell. I think though that you should either restructure it a bit or post more chapters so readers can get some idea of the mystery and suspense related to the 'accidents' and 'Old magic' you mention in the long pitch. The pacing is a little slow as it stands now. The search for Holly's birth mother isn't enough to sustain the story on its own without some additional frisson of jeopardy and the promise of weird things to come. Great idea though, and well worth developing.

I loved the first chapter of Witchlight. The opening scene works great for me and the general tone of the story appeals to me. The dialogue between Holly and Partridge is extremely well done – it’s great that they are informative and humourous. I really appreciate it. Partridge’s disappearance at the end of the chapter is a great way to intrigue the reader even more and click on the next chapter. Excellent! Six-star rated with genuine pleasure.

Ivan Amberlake

The writing reads extremely well and easy. Holly is likable. Patridge is also likable and cheeky. However, I worry about the tone of the book. It feels like a children's book. Holly doesn't really seem like a middle-aged woman. After four chapters, I don't have enough sense of the plot. Holly is getting used to magic. There is some mystery about her birth-parents. Still, Holly's desires and her conflict are still murky to me. I suppose after reading more chapters, I would get a better handle on Holly's character.

Anyway thanks for the read.

I so likednyour previous A DARKER MOON that I felt confident enough to back this before I'd read dar. I loved the pitch and the whole concept. Unlike your former, this one had, for me, a problem with the narrative voice. I know it's the author's too. It's too Tongue in cheek without being quite witty enough. I want it to be a bit more subtle, a bit more allusive.

the cat and mouse opener is good although you could omit the last phrase ... Overdone.

then comes the fairy bit and the tone is adopted which is retained to the end. this tone says 'I know this can't happen in real life but I am playing with this plot and giving you fun. It's a laugh isn't it?'. And I rebel.

this is a psonal view and hopefully no one else will agree. Otherwise, as you always do, it is written vey well and competently and I have every faith in the strength of the plot beyond the 4 I've read.
LF 40 review
Lara

A RELATIVE INVASION

Good writing that flows -not much of editing needed compared to other excerpts here. An enjoyable sarcasm and humour-the way you commented on the mouse hole and the Abracadabra gene LOL.
Your use of the dialogue was a bit ..um.. unnecessary at points, where you thought you would be realistic, it got tiring instead-maybe that's just me...
An interesting premise overall, and an enjoyable read.
5 stars from me to boost you on your first days here.

Yannis
The Book of the Forsaken

Hi J.S.,

I liked your pitch, so here I am!

My biggest suggestion for your short pitch is to consider making it more of an active voice. Your verbs are weak (has, turns up, is). Also, magic fuelled should be hyphenated.

Your long pitch sort of just repeats your short pitch. Isn’t there a better word for “turns up?”

“fairy godfather” shouldn’t be hyphenated and we don’t need to know his name in the pitch

Limit the descriptive words. You want hard-hitting hooks, not synopsis or imagery.

Chapter 1

Reduce extra words. For instance, “it had had its claws hooked…” can be “its claws hooked the soft flesh.”
Doesn’t the cat have a gender? It’s referred to as it.

“age old” should be hyphenated

“once again” delete once

You have a lot of run-on sentences. The entire second paragraph is a virtual run-on sentence. Break it up.
Great dialogue, though I feel like you’re missing some big opportunities for imagery. Maybe amp up the descriptions, especially in the parts transitioning between dialogues. Good dialogue is not just in the quotes, but also in how the speakers communicate and receive information. Show us this.

This is such a fun read. I think it will do well here. Just needs some scrubbing and you’re on your way.

If you get the chance, I’d invite you to check out my pitch and read more if it interests you. I’d love to know what you thought.

Good luck with this!

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Thanks so much for your comments. I wanted to come back and return the favor. So many main suggestion or insight into this first chapter, is when you start the line, "In summary..." right after the fairy godfather introduces himself. I would have liked to actually see this dialogue and not have it summed up. However, this is something I need to work on in my own work. I thought I would point out that one part though. I felt I wanted to get to know this levitating man more before we start summarizing who/why/what he is doing in her garden. Loved the description of the pencil spinning and smoking. I can really see this happening in front of me, great descriptive detail. Plus, the fairy godfather and not godmother is sure to attract a few readers.


Chapter 2- You show us how she is reacting right off the bat. I love knowing that she is starting to incorporate the magic into her everyday life. There is great detail into Holly and I loved the "abracadabra gene." I like how at the very end we learn that "magic might meant hat life was no longer as straight forward as she had once thought..."

Chapter 3- The line, "dying is a pretty extreme way to retire," was brilliant. I want to sit down and talk to Patridge...sounds like an interesting guy...I mean fairy. Anyways, you've established your voice(for me anyway) and I love it. I feel like I know your characters at this stage and I'm ready to see where this is going to lead. Can't wait to get to the fourth chapter! Best of luck with this!

Ashley

The Abracadabra gene? Only women have got it! Too right!!

Loved the start of this story and your laid-back, but humorous style. Nice write. The dialogue was spot on. Will be back to read some more.

I liked the sound of this from the pitch and when I started reading, decided it WAS fun. Nice twist to have a fairy godfather. However, I would like to see a bit more action a bit sooner.

Haha! Very clever work. I loved this: '...plunged into the eternal blackness of the final mouse hole.' and the 'Oh,God' expression. Our stories are very similar.

The long segments of dialogue got a bit tedious, though. And I needed a speech tag somewhere and had to guess who was talking - So what about your mother? Holly's or Partridge's mother. Maybe add bits where Holly thinks back on what she'd been doing that morning (her job/family/etc.) and how she'd never have thought a fairy godfather would be sitting in her kitchen.

This is great and I can't wait to read the rest!
Michelle

Very nice beginning I love the way you describe scenes. It is very well drawn and I would like to read the story. But (sorry, there's a but), there's an awful lot of dialogue that could be trimmed. If you strike a balance between the two then it would work well for me. Was this possibly a screenplay before it was made it into a book? I think you set up the scene, then let the characters run away with their voices.
Maybe not very constructive comments, but that's just my opinion.
I like the concept of the story and think it could make a brilliant script. As for a book, I need more description to keep me hooked.
Thanks anyway.
Kaye

I am possibly the only person in the Western World not to have either read harry Potter or, knowingly, met anyone who has - so this is NOT my genre . .

BUT this is such fun! Once I had navigated my way around the convoluted need to the first paragraph of Chapt One I just could not stop reading. I love the charms of goldfinches and the canaries, Grindlebones is a gorgeous name. And I WANT GLAMOUR!

Your writing had me laughing out loud, although I am not sure if my literary soul can take much more of talking budgerigars and gay witches chatting up glammed up nerds!

Please go on. Backed and highly recommended

A couple of days ago I made the decision that I wasn’t going t struggle with reading books I didn’t like any more. I cleared out my watchlist and determined that if a book didn’t grab me from the first few paragraphs it was out on its ear. Your book grabbed me from the off. I have to admit that the blurb didn’t fill me with enthusiasm and it must have been magic that made me start reading.

The writing is of course very proficient but I expected that. The tone is perfect and I am already captivated by your characters. The dialogue is spot on but I have to admit that I expected that from what I have seen of your work before.
Prachett is one of my favourite authors and I do hope that you take this as the compliment that I mean it to be when I say that this has for me Pratchett overtones.

I love Barney – slightly worrying though I actually want to be Holly – I want magic lessons from a fairy godfather. A Semi Triumphal fly past – this picture of the magic planes flying round the room is absolutely wonderful.
I love this story I really do the humour is perfect, the characters lovable and in some strange way believable, actually the magic is believable and I think that is the whole reason that it works so well. Oh the cat’s teaching each other from a feline perspective – marvellous.

The mystery about Holly’s birth is of course a clever addition to the plot and I feel may well become much more important and the fact that Patridge seems to be able to appear in more than one guise.
I rather like the sound of him in his St Pancras get up even with the eye liner.

Brilliant – I truly mean that. I have read it all and it just got better and better. I can’t shelve it at the moment because I am committed but as soon as I have a space up you go. In the meantime I will shower you with stardust and thank you for a super read.