Sojourns On Mars

Hello Brian-- Thought I'd take a look at a fellow Floridian's book and didn't pause for two hours. The Shanghai scene was a fine hook and then I met Murdoch, a work of art. I won't take our time to tell you all the passages that impressed me, but there were many. You're a master of realism.

To be helpful, though, I'll have to be critical. Two things disturbed me. Not me, really, but my impression of what some other readers will think. For one, there are many long paragraphs that might better be subdivided, and, second, there's a lot of obscenity that might offend. On the positive side, I find the characterization strong and the relationships clear and effective. I'd like to see Chapter 1 end on a note that compels the reader to go on, a "cliffhanger" that perhaps ties back to the prologue and advances the plot.

Would you take a look at my novel "The Doctor of Summitville." It, too, is an attempt at realism, but one that turns back the clock to 1927. Essentially a love story, It concerns a young doctor's efforts to free an immigrant orphan girl from bondage to her abusive uncle. I'd like to know whether it captures your interest and is ready for publication.

Best of luck, Bill

Interesting.
And different. Loved the first sentence and paragraph. I instantly wanted to know more.
Personally, I thought some of the swearing was unnecessary. That's not me being prim, I just didn't think it served a purpose. Less is more and all that.

Starred and shelved.

Good luck,
Diana
Pascual's Birthday

I really enjoyed this, Brian. The prose has an appealingly direct, almost blunt quality which adds tremendous energy to the scenes. Not that the writing is one dimensional or bland. Some of the descriptive passages are superb: offbeat and original and very involving. I do think, however, that some sections of prose and dialogue could do with a bit of an edit to ensure the narrative doesn't become bogged down, but that's an easy fix. I love all the deft, comic flourishes. I’m a big fan of Carl Hiaasen and I was reminded very much of his work reading this. The sense of place is subtly but convincingly evoked with just enough detail to root the reader in the moment without getting in the way of the narrative. Real and purposeful dialogue that helps to flesh out the various characters as well as reinforce the cultural identity of the piece. Murdock comes across as an engagingly flawed, strangely likeable main character, someone the reader can empathise with and root for. The plot feels well thought out and multi-faceted and - with its blend of action, comedy and drama – should appeal to good cross-section of readers.

In short, a very stylish, involving opening. Very highly starred. I’ll read on when I can. Thanks and best of luck. A


I made some notes on the prologue/chapter 1 as I went along. Please feel free to ignore!!:

Prologue:

Not sure you need ‘precisely’. If it was sixteen or sixty maybe, but not six??

‘felt the wind of their passage’ – has unintended comic overtones!! Maybe rephrase??

‘fuck you [‘or’ not ‘and’??] I’m afraid…’ (as they seem to be opposite reactions??)

‘rasped by him’ – really like this.

I like the punchy, almost hardboiled prose. (eg ‘It was ten to three in the afternoon. The neon sign was unlit.’) Very evocative and just right for this type of book.

Repetition of ‘He recognized…’ Not sure if deliberate??

‘Hello, Mr Black Lake [period not comma as followed by action not dialogue tag]’

Not sure about ‘grated’ as a dialogue tag??

‘Janice Joplin alive, with this book’ – why include ‘alive’?? are there photos of a dead JJ available to the public??

I like the quirky details you introduce (eg the cell phone with the Donald Duck decoration) Really helps to bring the scenes alive.


Chapter 1:

Fabulous opening line. Plunges the reader straight into the scene. Also, very funny.

Ditto ‘he’d been stabbed recently…’ I really like the downbeat comedy. Reminds me of Carl Hiaasen.

I like the italicised internal monologue inserts, although I do feel they would be more effective if they were pared down slightly, an occasional killer line to liven the narrative and allow the reader into Woodman’s mindset rather than a verbatim representation of his thoughts. Just a thought.

Slightly thrown by being told the wiry man had a ‘noticeable nose’ and then Woodman noticing the smell of whiskey etc. Jars a bit??

‘remembering that Murdoch was on the wagon’ – the abrupt shift in POV is a little unsettling??

David Eagle’s son [not Son]??

Love the line about the various handguns going ‘out into the sunshine’

‘Murdoch was thirty-one’ – again, the punchy, clean prose works really well in terms of setting the tone of the novel.

The reference to Murdoch’s braids/earrings threw me slightly. I didn’t picture him like this. Maybe hint at these aspects of his physical appearance earlier in the chapter??

I’m slightly confused why M is reluctant to tell the doctor/police how he ended up with a cut arm. The reference in the previous scene to Ketts being charged with assault with a deadly weapon seemed to suggest M was going to tell the police etc what happened??

Opening line after scene break ‘Murdock’s house…etc’ feels a bit unwieldy?? Maybe split up a little??

‘They didn’t need [beautification or being beautified]’??

Repetition of the house being a big rectangle.

Given that he picked up on Jennifer’s odd reaction to him getting back early, wouldn’t M be suspicious of her behaviour rather than pissed off at her for focussing on the forgotten Pepsi??

Love the description of the scene from Terminator although I do wonder why he’s watching the film right now??

‘like a sex feast’ – not sure about this?? doesn’t feel like something a husband would think about his wife??

In order to maintain a consistent POV, maybe decide on Nazghul or Nazzie and stick with it??

I like the telephone conversation with Dents although it is a bit long winded. I think it might be better if abridged slightly??

Jennifer’s reaction to M coming home early at the start of the scene seemed to suggest guilt on her behalf (I half expected her to have another man in the house)?? Is this intentional?? If not, maybe rephrase slightly??

Not sure what shuriken is??

Love the line beginning ‘Well, honey, if the hamburger’s thawed…’ – says so much about J and M’s relationship.

Brian. Innovative idea and it works well. Hard-hitting and at times maybe too hard hitting. The strong language is relevant to the characters but could be a touch more subtle at times. There's a lot of clever writing here that is hidden by too much information. It is very wordy and, at times, hard work pushing through it to get to the story.
I'm guessing that you write in a similar vein to how you think and speak. It's important to hear your individual voice, but in a novel it needs to be reigned in. Stephen King advises in his book 'On Writing': Pare everything down to the bare bones. Edit, edit and edit again. Less is more.
And I would break your story up into shorter, punchier chapters for the same reasons.
Good luck mate, Sully.

Ch 1. You could make Murdock do something while he was thinking, let's say he was sighing or fiddling with something. You say a lot of fuck in it too. Might try using another word or write fu-. I didn't read swear words in John Grisham's novels.
Ch 2 is good. So far no comments on this chapter.
Good luck with it.

~Sojourns on Mars~

This is very sharp, stylish and well-written (James Ellroy/Elmore Leonard) book noir and the character of Murdock is very well rounded. I like your off-beat writing style, rhythm and use of language.

As a fan of both Disney and Crime Fiction, this is a great read!

Well done!

Iman x

Miss Manners: http://www.authonomy.com/books/39355/miss-manners

I worked for WDW, so looking forward to the trip…

Thanks for your kind remarks on Sojourns, Nathan. I always appreciate it when someone takes the time to read my work.

Thanks, Jack! I'm very glad you liked it.

An original and inventive take on the noir genre (the use of Disney collectibles is just inspired). I don't think the opening chapters are too slow as some other comments have suggested, it sets the scene and helps to give a foundation from which the rest of the story can build. Far too many stories, whether because of the attention span of their readers or because of the demands of editors trying to cater for those who they assume have no attention span, rush into the main premise and have nothing left to reveal by the start of the sixth chapter. You've got it just about right in this story. Woodman is sympathetically portrayed, you want to know more about him and is an ideal stock protagonist for the genre (the hard-boiled P.I).

A great story Brian, keep up the good work. Backed when I can find a space (I still owe a few favours on here!).

Best of luck
Jack

Thank you, Timmy42, for taking a look at Sojourns On Mars. I'm glad you liked it, and there was no trouble about any delay. Thanks again.

This is a very good start. I like the characters, the writing flows very well and the dialogue is excellent. I couldn't spot any tyop's or mistakes.

I fell the plot could be speeded up a bit, however, this is just my opinion.

all in all a very good.

All the best

Timmy.

P.S sorry it took me a while to get back to you.

I agree with the Ellroy/Leonard remark and will come back to read more soon.

David J Baron - The List

This is a very good start. I like the characters, the writing flows very well and the dialogue is excellent. I couldn't spot any tyop's or mistakes.

I fell the plot could be speeded up a bit, however, this is just my opinion.

all in all a very good.

All the best

Timmy.

P.S sorry it took me a while to get back to you.

Very good, good start.

An excellent bit of modern noir writing. Great characterisations, good dialogue and the mood and tone superbly set from the outset. This is a very different type of noir in that it doesnt hav the parred-down, staccato style of, say, Ellroy or Leonard, but, while it may put some fans of he genre off, I don't see as a problem. I only read 3 chapters, but I imagine you'rre trying to put your own slant on it, which i think you achieve well. Whether that will serve you well in terms of getting published depends, i suppose, on finding a sympathetic and open minded publisher. But for what it's worth, I like your style. Highly starred, staying on my WL.

Nathan

Hi Brian,

Have Read more of this now, and as per first reading am really convinced by the style which sounds natural and 'easy' but is of course the result of hard work. Sympathetic and human characters despite violent instincts. The humour is sharp, and I think the profanity supports it well - the f word is not overused in my opinion.

What I wished for was a bit more forward momentum though the plot. The breezy style would also suit a breezy pace, so that might mean losing some of the erudition, diversions etc. At the end of the day readers of this type of fiction probably want a direct journey rather than a prolonged immersion in that world, which is full your own enthusiasms.

Finally, a few overconstrcuted sentences need washing over again. Eg. "The weapon ready in his right hand he pulled the bedroom door open with his left and was an interval of time he would have needed a computer to measure away from ripping a hail of decapitating buckshot straight down the hall when one word out of the thunder spiked through his brain." ch 16

phil b

Brian,

Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. It has been a very busy week. I just read your two chapters on a 4 hour bus ride with 60 kids so it was a welcome break.

I always preface my comments with, I am not a professional and this just my opinion. Also, I rarely point out grammar error because there are people out there who are 100 times better at that than me and I don't feel me pointing out one missed comma is really that value added.

I like how you start off the book that kind of gives us a taste of what is to come. Also, I really like some of the insights / internal dialog that the MC has. For instance when he is talking about how people of different nationalities think of themselves I thought that was great and it made be laugh. Also, I like the dialog back and forth between he and his wife. You can feel this frustration between the two.

On to the observations. This is a very stream of consciousness kind of peice. I am a very right brained type of person so it is hard for me to hold on to the plot when some of the characters go off onto tangents. I would say ask yourself if some of these tangents are integral to progressing the plot and if they are really needed. For instance when the guy was thinking about the origins of how he got his snake's names, is that integral to the plot or does it help you understand a character better? Not saying does or doesn't but make sure that it does. Too many side stories kind of distract from the main plot.

Another suggestion is to maybe break up your first chapter. It looks like you have prolog and a first chapter I would break it up. Also, even the first chapter is pretty long I would break that up a bit too. It gives the reader time to catch their breath.

Anyway, good luck to you.

Hi Brian compelling premise for a story its adequately compelling. I like some of your random speculations and the off-beat writing style is very cool in places but struggles in others. My chagrin is your frequent use of the word 'was' makes it hard to read for me, some modifying is required in that regard in my humble opinion.

Otherwise well done!
Cheers Michael

I really like your opening paragraph. It helps introduce the reader to who your character is and gives them a rough idea of what is going on. I would say though that the two sentences "It was four years old and carefully maintained.", "It was his second best." I would consider combining them, just so the flow of the first paragraph isn't so choppy for the reader. You don't need "precisely" before six. It just makes the sentence wordy. maybe instead of "went" walked? I feel like your opening would be a little stronger if you introduced the reader to what your character looks like. It would just be easier to find yourself in the scene. Along with maybe adding a bit more description to where this is taking place. Because at the moment it is very vague and a little uninteresting. The details you are giving the readers seem irrelevant because we don't know what we should be envisioning. A little more detail will clear that up though. I like the body language portion of your second paragraph, it goes along great with your style, but I am not catching it's importance. You have an interesting concept growing I am getting the feeling it could be tightened a bit. "Denton opened the heavy zipper on his bag, and thrust his hand to the heavy object at the bottom." It is a good sentence, but it you use heavy twice and it just drags the reader along. By tightening it the pacing would be better. Maybe "Denton unzipped the heavy zipper and thrust his hand towards the object at the bottom of his bag." Something along those lines would work, just because it would be a smoother read and the reader can get your point and picture it. Overall you have an interesting idea, just a little editing would help clarify a few things. Best of luck.

Auna June
Catalaysia: The Curse of Five

I couldn't figure why Mars was part of your book title.
We have something in common with our books: we talk about Armani clothes in the first chapter :-)
We both have a bar scene in chapter one as well. Is this alien contact or something?
The part about Paris was funny: "We live in the beautiful center of the universe...."
You should make the prologue chapter one IMO.
I feel like you are over-killing on the F-word. Is it really necessary?
Extensive knowledge of weapons and Disney paraphenelia. That's good. Well-researched.
It's one of these dark and gritty cop movies where there's no happy end and everyone dies, but at least everyone stashed enough money in their Swiss bank accounts.
Death über alles. That was good.
Nazguhl for a boy's name? Wicked. This is NOT your typical loving American family....
Just wondering if it's possible to jazz up your pitch and synopsis. Right now it looks too academic, but avoid the F-word when writng things.
Anette Funachello - my gosh.
I know of Sheboygan only because of a fantasy table game I played with a buddy as teenagers (The Monster that Ate Sheboygan) Ah, memories.
Lovecraft is the snake - right?
Interesting lesson of Lord Nelson and H.P. Lovecraft in chapter 2 - odd combination. Interesting thesis about Hitler and Lovecraft.
Something tells me that this is more than a search for lost Disney material - although its worth $105,000. Maybe the lost artifact was stolen by a neo-Cthulu cult group and it's a pure crystal statue, and when you place it on another crystal statue during a long. complicated evil religious ritual, the statue becomes a living evil god, ready to destroy the world - sort of like Conan the Destroyer.
Did I guess your story line? No?
I stil enjoy it a lot and had to back it
All the best
Kirk
PS: watch those F-words.
PPS: please read, comment and back my book too (only if you like it). (I'm using Jedi mind tricks on you right now...)

Right-o. Return read time!

I'm going to split this stuff into "Good things" and "Bad things" for clarity's sake, and I won't go into much detail with the good things because that's a waste of time. That doesn't mean that the bad things are worse simply because I use more words to talk about them!

Good things:

- Great narration. It looks to me like third person objective, and it works. It provides me with some humor, and while I can obviously realize that this isn't a "funny story", it's always nice to have a few chuckles in there.

- I'm liking the main character. The observant yuppie archetype is enjoyable and frequently irreverent, and you play that trope nicely.

- The dialogue is nice. This is always something that can make or break a book, and what I'm seeing is the idiosyncratic Tarantino approach. And I like that.

- In fact, I'm liking all of the characters (especially the conspiracy nut). You've got quite an eclectic cast, which is also something that reminds me of Tarantino. Great casting! :)


Bad stuff:

- I'd have to say that criticism you applied to my writing (shortening sentences that can be shortened) could be brought up for you, too. ;)

"Why the cop was there Murdock didn't know, but he caused an immediate effect with that part of the crowd that was made up of the honored guest's old customers". Meh.

"Murdock didn't know why the cop was there, but he did notice that they had an immediate effect upon the older patrons." More streamlined.

Considering how much narration you actually have, this needs particular focus.


- I'm noticing a tendency to use confusing synonyms. When I saw "rasped by him on a skateboard", for instance, my first thought jumped to the common understanding of 'rasp'--that is, the hissing noise made by a chain smoker. I understand that it also means "to grind", but I think the better thing to do in that case is to just use the word 'grind'. In fact, I think it might be better to not talk about grinding/rasping at all, because a skateboard wouldn't make that noise if the teen was just riding on it; they'd have to be popping a wheelie or something.

Other things, like "grudged a smile", are just odd. "Begrudged a smile" would be better, and "forced a smile" would be better still. Seeing the word 'grudge' makes me think the guy's putting a voodoo curse on someone.

This also extends to Said Bookism. "'Get up,' Murdock ordered him" is self evident. Of course Murdock ordered that. There's hardly any other way to say the words "Get up", especially in the context of that conversation. You didn't resort to too many obscure 'said' synonyms or qualifying adverbs, but there were enough of them for it to constitute as a criticism.

- There's an excessive degree of inner dialogue. A bit too excessive for my tastes. I understand having some inner dialogue here and there (I do it myself), but you seem to use more of it than actual speech! This may be something subjective on my part, but I nonetheless don't like that particular aspect of this novel.

- This is more of a fear than a criticism (and a fear that would possibly dissipate if I were to read a large section of the book, but I don't have enough time for that atm), but the story seems very disconnected. There are a lot of little plots going on that are all interesting in their own right, but for a thriller/crime novel, I want something to pull me in early. I want the myth arc, essentially, and I don't feel like I'm getting a very strong one. Again, if you manage to tastefully bring these plots together, then that's great, but I would hope it doesn't remain so spread out throughout the book.



Your manuscript is pretty well-edited, and I'm loving the characters. Even with the criticisms, I'm still gonna give you six stars, if only because you also have an alien conspiracy theorist in your book (and also because I got a really good laugh from the Parisian 'Fuck you! Fuck you!'). Go market this more; it deserves more shelving than it has.

-Grant Amadeus

A very amusing first 2 chapters makes you want to read on. Murdock is a strong lead and the style is very easy to pick up. I'll definitely continue reading Harry

Thank you, Harry. I'd love to hear any other comments you might have as you read on.

A very amusing first 2 chapters makes you want to read on. Murdock is a strong lead and the style is very easy to pick up. I'll definitely continue reading Harry

Hi new friend Brian! :-)
I like your cover, although it’s a little bit hard to read the red writing over the black palm tree. Your short and long pitches are both good, although the long one could be re-written to be a little stronger. Like this,

‘Private Investigator and bounty hunter Murdock Woodman finds himself on the hunt for $105,000 worth of Disney collectables. His boyhood friend, Denton Wheeler, was in the middle of negotiations to buy the memorabilia from a deceased estate when the collection disappeared.
Understandably, Denton wants it back.
Murdock recruits....’

Something like that anyway. I’m not sure about the word understandably. Anyway! That’s just my opinion which all boils down to personal taste.

I’m sorry, I don’t like the font. It looks neat but I find it hard to read. Again – could be just me.

The whole tone is one of understated humour, and then you have obvious little splashes like the line about only commenting in eccentricity if it went on for longer than ten seconds, and getting stabbed recently, which always brought him down, that made me laugh aloud.

When he’s thinking about Not being a cop there’s the word Not. Twice, which didn’t read right.
They didn’t need beautified. – beautifying?

Ok after reading on we find out that Denton had already paid for the memorabilia, so I would take the part about negotiating out of the pitch.

‘Private Investigator and bounty hunter Murdock Woodman finds himself on the hunt for $105,000 worth of Disney collectables. His boyhood friend, Denton Wheeler, had just purchased the memorabilia from a deceased estate when the collection disappeared.
Understandably, Denton wants it back.
Murdock recruits....’

Jennifer is not very likeable, but I think that’s the effect you’re going for :-)

I like this and I would read more (but the font is giving me sore eyes sorry). You have a great sense of humour :-)
Five stars from me and will keep on my WL
Tammy Robinson