Soultakers

Hi Lorri
I enjoyed reading this and like your style - very well written and good flow. Also good dialogue - believable - which for me is key. I have made a few suggestions - all minor:
From pitch
"Ross, a photographer with a knack for getting the shots the papers want finds himself becomming obsessed with Vivienne, despite being in love with his girlfreind. But Vivienne persues him ..." A few wee typos - best to tidy them up as it's your shop window after all. I would go for

"Ross - a photographer with a knack for getting the shots the papers want - finds himself becoming (one m only) ..."girlfriend" and "pursues" instead of persues"


I would get something in the pitch re why they are immortal - I guessed vampire but then again why would she need a knife to kill in that case? I just think that initial hook should be clear to the reader.

"It would work well for the bikers bar. She took of the green silk..." - should be "bikers' bar" and "took off"
"Into a small hold-all she put the dress..." feels too passive I woulkd just go with "she put the dress...into a small hold all"

You change POV from Vivienne to Amanda in this chapter and head-hops like that may irk acquisitions editors or agents - I would either put in a definite chapter break between this or stick to one POV per chapter. I know it's a pain but it's the standard.

Good work Lorri. Highly starred and on my watchlist for more - I will comment further as I go. Well done.
Derek
The Angel Chord

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A totally captivating start. Vivienne and Amanda are dynamite characters. You use deep point of view masterfully to flesh them out. Well-focused descriptions that add depth to your scenes. Simmering tension. Quick pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'She was contaminated' hooked me.
2) Vivienne closed her eyes, "I'm not doing anything to you." Period after 'eyes.' The only time a narrative sentence before dialogue is punctuated with a comma is when the narrative sentence is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). This narrative sentence isn't a dialogue tag, so it must be punctuatted with a period. There is another cases of this type of problem.
3) "It's all in your jealous mind my love." Comma after 'my.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
4) "Pay the price I paid?" Asked Amanda. 'Asked' should be lowercase.
5) "No. I knew what I was doing". Move the period inside the closing quote. There is another case of this type of problem.
6) "I didn't have you with me for the first three hundred seventy, Vivienne replied. Put a closing quote mark after 'seventy.'
7) "I don't know what to do without you." Amanda replied. Comma after 'you.'
8) 'She took of the green silk she was wearing, ... ' 'Of' should be 'off.'
9) ' ... she started to feel aroused.' Try to avoid using the verb 'feel.' Just describe her arousal so realistically the reader will experience it along with Amanda. When you do this, the reader will be pulled deeper into the scene.
10) An excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at my latest book "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Lorri.

Al

Hi Lorraine.

First paragraph, I like, “willing the universe to swallow her into its never ending throat.” But you repeat the word ‘back’ twice in the second-to-last sentence. I’d delete the first one, so it reads, “Without a word, he slid behind the wheel and drove her back to the house.”

Fourth paragraph, add a comma after “Smiling.”

I think paragraph… nineteen or so on chapter two, you use the wrong “than”. It should be, “I see a lot more THAN people think I do….”

And paragraph twenty… you have two apostrophe’s on “don’t”. No apostrophe after the ‘t.’ Also (unless you are from UK I suppose) “realize” is with a ‘z.’

And paragraph twenty-one, put a period after, “It’s nothing.” Or do a semicolon or a hyphen. Or just take out “It’s nothing,” from the paragraph altogether.

Oh and something I am just noticing… you should put the periods within the dialogue.

Right way: “Ready as a boy scout.”
Wrong way: “Ready as a boy scout”.
Yes: “You were never a boy scout.”
No: “You were never a boy scout”.

I’d put a hyphen after “nope,” so it reads, “Nope – never had time to be.”

And you used an apostrophe to start the next quote instead of quotation marks.

So it looks like: She grinned at him, “Well…” (and you need to capitalize ‘well.’

I think you do the descriptions well, especially in the first chapter.

Shaun Holt
"Waiting for the Rain"

There are NO vampires in Soultakers.

Yatta! You have been ambushed by the Crit Ninja!

Read the first two chapters, and here are my thoughts:

Pitch: You really need some more info, I think. I found it oddly disconcerting to be starting a book not knowing what I was going to be reading about.

Plot: So far it seems intriguing. We have evil celebrity vampires (I'm assuming) with romance troubles and a photographer with an obsession. No idea where this is going to go, but could have potential.

Characters: The two vampires seem very 'True Blood'. This isn't a bad thing necessarily; it's just that personally I find it very hard to care about characters who are essentially amoral. There are readers who don't find that so difficult, though. As for Ross, I both like and dislike him. Like, because he seems sort of decent; dislike because of the obsession thing and the fact that he's a celeb photographer. Again, a personal thing.

Writing style: It works well, for the most part. Some nice description without being too heavy, and good dialogue. I particularly thought the Vivienne/Amanda dialogue scence worked well, which is good cos it's near the start. Only criticism would be that you time-jump a bit too much in the second chapter, and it makes things feel a bit choppy. One or two connecting lines such as, "A few minutes later..." or "After a short time..." would eliminate the need for these jumps.

Overall: Entertaining and well-written.

A link to your book will be posted in the Crit Ninja thread:
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/88310/crit-ninja-/

YOu continue to deliver. Very hip, modern tale with all of the trimmings that could also put this in a soapy genre. Enjoyed this and would highly recommend. One typo/error in Chapter 2-"see a lot more then you," then should be than. Highly starred, Dina

Read the first chapter-very tawdry and I love it! This reminds me of Jackie Collins and Stephenie Myers rolled into one. This has a real fun, sexy edge to it. Like the vivid descriptions of their house and clothes. Will continue to read. Dina

I started reading at work, but got called away in the middle of chapter two. Sending you my notes on one. If they're helpful I'll finish two, if they're a bore then I'll save us both the time.

good start though.

Best Bill
HAKTAW HEART

--vibrated from her anger -- makes the sentence kind of clunky. Glaring down, paired with the dialogue may be enough

--"Pay the price I paid?" Asked amanda. asked, if this thread is correct.
http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/86630/on-dialogue-attributes-part-2-/#AnchorPostId2276863

--Hope this doesn't seem overly inrusive, but the paragraph that starts --Still, one advantage. Was an awkward transition for me.
What if you started the paragraph at "She jumped up from the bed . . ." You could put the first sentence (minus the 'still') after ". . .biker bar."

typo - she took of the green silk --off

Hi, I have read this all the way - and found it worth the read. Interesting and quirky. Not difficult to read, but I'm left wondering "have i read something similar before?"

That said, I finished it - so that in itself says enough.

Few people have commented here, but I feel that most people will not actually "find" your book unfortunately unlless you promote, promote, promote yourself and in my experience that becomes an all consuming exercise.

I went through that in the beginning and and my book reached the dizzy heights of #75 before I decided enough is enough.
I reached #25 on the talent spotter grid and thought - 'this is bloody stupid" and just quit.

Anyway - as i said - I enjoyed your book.

best,

Doug

Hi. I'm having a similar problem with lack of comments myself (even if someone hates my stuff it would be nice if they could just say so - and why) But anyway - I skimmed through the first chapter of your book. First off some of your descriptions are really great, very vivid and unique 'shimmering with rage, dressed in delicate ferns' One thing you might want to do is keep track of the action from a readers stand point. As writers we have the whole scene in our heads, and the next one, and the next one etc. etc. But sometimes we are so quick to get it down on paper we skip the stuff that makes it flow in the readers mind. Sometimes reading it out loud helps - you feel weird at first but you get used to it. When I started to read the first paragraph I pictured Vivian out in a field looking up but then the scene changed to a car after she got into the Bently. Perhaps some more scene building in the beginning. But remember I'm no expert either.

Kris
Killing Death