Dust in the Wind

This story is relentlessly grim. It is gripping and violent, not my usual type of thing. But it is extremely well written. The characters are so well formed and the descriptions are so convincing. I would find it hard to sleep at night having read this! I like the ambiguity at the beginning, we do not know what has happened to draw everday normal Americans into this nightmare of Nazi proportions. It is a timely reminder of the horror that lies just beneath the surface of any culture. There but for the grace of God... Highly starred. Powerful writing.

Carrie, this is truly amazing. The writing is hauntingly beautiful and quite poetic in the descriptions. And the world you set up – it’s very chilling in its realism and familiarity, even though it takes place in the future (I think you should tag it as “science fiction” and “dystopia” so readers looking for this kind of work can find it more easily). You really capture the desperation and the hopelessness in Aisha’s voice, but at the same time, she doesn’t come off as merely resigned – at the very least she has the strength to simply survive. The language flows really well and makes a person want to keep on reading – I meant to read just the first chapter tonight, but was completely drawn in and ended up staying up to finishing it. The only suggestion I have is that you consider describing the setting a little earlier – where the story is taking place and what circumstances lead to this terrible future (the mentions of racial tension are interesting, but it seems like there must be something bigger at work – some kind of disastrous war, like what WW1 did to Germany?).

Great beginning, and I’m desperate to know what happens next! Six-starred and shelved :-)

Cheers,
M.
Astral Sea: The Pandora Project (http://authonomy.com/books/41618/astral-sea-the-pandora-project/)

Carrie,

This is the most moving work I have read in a long time. Despite being safe in my own home I am full of fear, sadness and apprehension. You write so beautifully that the reader cannot help but be drawn in and emphasise.
The only thing I have to point out (apart from you making me cry when the child is shot in C4) is a possible spelling mistake in C2; you say 'Hands, feel, faces', do you mean, 'hands, feet faces?'
This is going onto my bookshelf and deserves to be on the Editor's Desk.

Please keep writing, I NEED to know what happens.

Johanna

Carrie,

Dust in the Wind is written with such desperate pain and beautiful emotion, I can’t help but think that your book would do better and have much more meaning if it were written as a contemporary account of an actual sufferer. Perhaps you should grab on to real cause and speak up for those who are truly oppressed - the persecuted Christians in China, or maybe a child/girl who is stolen for the inhumane and disgusting sex-trade? You have a gift, Carrie. Don’t waste it on a fictional cause, unless of course, you have a premonition of things to come… I hope not! You are a wonderful, wonderful writer. You could be someone’s desperately needed advocate.

So many gems packed in the first three chapters this book.

Just a couple of many that I came across: “The snow falls like snowflakes in the summer - unnatural…”
And “An invisible thread has sewn itself between us”

Then just a couple nits:
Chapter three Paragraph starting “the sound of my voice coaxes her eyes up… take a look at the last sentence.

Then check out the second sentence of the paragraph that starts, “I tighten my grip in Miyu’s hand…”

Bless you. May you find success in whatever you do. Highly Starred.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Carrie, first let me compliment you on your cover and pitch, amongst the best on site.

I should tell you that with my own writing my inclination is to cut, cut, cut & cut again. (It works for Cormac McCarthy). So when reviewing I tend to notice parts I would leave out.

Starting with a dream, or mention of a dream, is risky - or so I read somewhere. It can put a reader off. I'd give thought to starting where the action starts: 'A muffled whimper ...' We are at once gripped by the descriptive elegance and power of your prose, and the horror of the story. I was reminded of the highly-rated WW 2 novel, J.G. Ballard's Empire of the Sun and the feeling remained with me throughout my reading. I feel there could be an earlier break in ch 1. After 'You'll want to look your best for the execution ...' would be an ideal place.

Ch 2 - do you really need paragraphs 2 & 3? It isn't until we get to the executions that you employ short one sentence paragraphs. These can be very effective. How about bringing some in earlier eg. the sentence beginning 'A collective gasp ...'?
The executions - obviously a scene of high drama and horror and you want to get as much out of it as possible. I feel it could be improved by removing some of the 'bangs'. After the first or second bang, you could go something like 'Ten more shots follow. The noise is near-deafening, but I still hear the thud of bodies hitting the platform.'
I would end the chapter a little earlier. With the sentence about the dead young boy.

Ch 3. The phrase 'The center mopes around' doesn't quite work. Should be changed.

Have you thought of changing from present tense to past? Some readers are so used to past they find anything else strange. I know of an Authonomite who made this change recently.

Carrie, these suggestions are meant to be constructive. I hope you will find them useful. Yours is one of the most gripping stories I've read here. I'm giving it high stars and will shelve it next month.

Camac Johnson
Hemingway Quest

Carrie, do you know what I love about this book the most? Is that the sadness I feel as a reader is so natural, you don't force it down my throat. By describing the events from the point of view of a character who's dealing with them in the best way she can, you avoiding the "look! a starving, suffering, anorexic, pox-marked child who is on its way to slaughter! booo! look at the horror!! look at its tear-filled eyes of extreme sadness! if you don't feel sorry, you're a heartless b@tch!!" approach that so many writers of "sad" novels come to on this site. I can't stand the cheesy "starving orphans" novels, and I can't feel bad for a narrator simply because the writer tells me to. You create the story first, the characters second, and by combing all of this with good writing, you are successfully pulling me along and making me feel for these kids from the bottom of my calloused adult heart. I love the small understatements, the fresh descriptions, and subtle yet effective dialogue. Much respect to you, and good luck.

Elena.

I was recommended your book and since I had a bit of time I read chapter 1. This is a very intense read, the way in which all the different races are rounded up and put together like a concentration camp, reminding me not only of World War 2 but something that happened in Australia with refugees. And the horrible thing is, this really could happen again. Not long ago some of my family were in concentration camps due to the Bosnian War (between the Croats and Serbians in the 1990s). I saw a thread that asks to describe everyone's books in one word, yours is "Chilling."

You intense style of writing also adds to the foreboding, the feeling that something bad is going to happen, like the Arab woman being shot as she extends a hand to Aisha, or the talk of the sixteen-year-old boy shot through the eye, or the people going to be executed for trying to escape. And the way in which they live in constant fear and the mistreatment, beatings, etc. gets to the reader (me!).

Other things I'd like to mention is your clever turn of words, such as the way you described the beds lined up like two rows of teeth, and also the description of Miyu's hair like black grass, etc.

This chapter is very polished and I didn't notice any errors or problems with your writing. Good luck with Mayhem :) P.S. You have my vote.

I was recommended your book and since I had a bit of time I read chapter 1. This is a very intense read, the way in which all the different races are rounded up and put together like a concentration camp, reminding me not only of World War 2 but something that happened in Australia with refugees. And the horrible thing is, this really could happen again. Not long ago some of my family were in concentration camps due to the Bosnian War (between the Croats and Serbians in the 1990s). I saw a thread that asks to describe everyone's books in one word, yours is "Chilling."

You intense style of writing also adds to the foreboding, the feeling that something bad is going to happen, like the Arab woman being shot as she extends a hand to Aisha, or the talk of the sixteen-year-old boy shot through the eye, or the people going to be executed for trying to escape. And the way in which they live in constant fear and the mistreatment, beatings, etc. gets to the reader (me!).

Other things I'd like to mention is your clever turn of words, such as the way you described the beds lined up like two rows of teeth, and also the description of Miyu's hair like black grass, etc.

This chapter is very polished and I didn't notice any errors or problems with your writing. Good luck with Mayhem :) P.S. You have my vote.

Interesting book I've read bits and pieces of it. Enjoyed what I've read. I'm not into criticing books. So, I leave it at that.

Hello Carrie-
your book- Dust in the wind- it's good, in fact it's very good-
the cover captivated me in the first place- a girl crying out in despair and begging for help-
and that last line in the pitch-- something is terribly wrong-
had to read on- to find out what is wrong in Wyoming America-
After reading the five chapters posted- of this gripping story- I have to figure out if it's for real-
You describe every detail of this safe keeping programme so well. i just kept on flicking the pages to
see what was going to happen-It's one grim read indeed-
However i enjoyed what i read and would like to have read more-

tom bye
b ook--from hugs to kisses'
please oblige and glance at mine, you might like it- a boy growing up in Dublin Ireland in the 40s-
it's full of humour after the first chapter and further down-

A powerful, beautifully written story of the horrors of war and the darkness of human nature. Highly starred and soon to be shelved. When will you post more?
Kate

Dust in the Wind has both an original and engaging premise and some of the best writing I’ve seen here on authonomy. When I review books here, I avoid reading the prior reviews… I don’t want to be influenced. But I can’t imagine anyone reading this and not recognizing your proficiency of language. I'm guessing you've already received your fair share of praise. (If that's fair to say.)

“Monsters are real…” This paragraph is so clean and clear... a powerful opening. Very well stated.

“It can’t have been a great one…” I think you’d be better off dropping this line, then merging the first two paragraphs. Try it. See how it reads.

“The room is quiet and dark and has an atmosphere of hesitation…” I wish I would’ve come up with this line. Very nice.

As I read on I begin to question the volume of descriptives used. However, when I look for inappropriate descriptions I don’t find any. I wouldn’t call it over-writing… maybe borderline-over-writing. “A muscle in my heart clenches.” could read: My heart clenches. It’s the same thing, but I personally feel that the latter is cleaner. There are times, I think, where a few extra words contribute to the rhythm and flow of the writing, but more often they bloat the writing. I’m not suggesting your writing is bloated though, I don’t think so… but you might play with sacrificing a descriptive (and tone the drama down a wee bit) here and there, just to see what you get. ???

“…but to lie seems so harsh.” I don’t think ‘harsh’ is the right word, when you’re talking of protecting a child from a harsh truth.

“…a hostage to her own thoughts.” That’s very nice.

A very minor point of style. “The crackling of gunfire breaks the silence, and it’s like needles to my skin.” VS “The crackling of gunfire, like needles to my skin, breaks the silence.” Perhaps it's just a matter of preference.

“It goes this way for the next few minutes…” I particularly like this paragraph.

I’ve only read chapter one so far, but it leaves me feeling confident that I’d not be disappointed were I to read on. This is exceptional writing.

Backed and six–stared.

I will admit. I am incredibly jealous of your writing. It's so beautiful, fluid and definitely rivals the greats. Every time I read Dust in the Wind, I always wonder how I can improve my writing to match yours. You capture Aisha beautifully with her nature and thoughts. Why isn't this book being chased by publishers? if this was in the book stores I'll be buying it :)

I will admit. I am incredibly jealous of your writing. It's so beautiful, fluid and definitely rivals the greats. Every time I read Dust in the Wind, I always wonder how I can improve my writing to match yours. You capture Aisha beautifully with her nature and thoughts. Why isn't this book being chased by publishers? if this was in the book stores I'll be buying it :)

Carrie, as I shared with you via email this story was so difficult for me to read, for several reason, one being my own people and the atrocities they've have to endure throughout the years, the second being the main characters are children. At completion of Chapter One I couldn't go on and read, I had to stop. The first chapter pierced my heart with many emotions, anger, sadness, deep sorrow and the horrors of injustice that does occur in this world. Finally, I found the courage to read on knowing that I'd have to deal with the uncovering of how evil, disconnected, and vile humankind can be.

The main characters you've selected are brilliant. Why? Because anyone with a heart would be moved deeply by having to read about these two girls coping with the darkness of a world exempt of love and acceptance. Your writing style is wonderful, you've included sharpness, rawness, poetic like descriptions, and clear-cut, unmistakable weight in areas of the story that required it.

One thing I would have preferred is if you explained the reasoning's for Aisha being where she is, it's sort of left dangling and can get a bit frustrating for the reader. You do, however, bring it to light in the Chapter 5, although I think somewhere around Chapter 2 would probably be more fitting - that's totally up to you :)

I've rated it a 5 *star*
Salwa

Carrie, as I shared with you via email this story was so difficult for me to read, for several reason, one being my own people and the atrocities they've have to endure throughout the years, the second being the main characters are children. At completion of Chapter One I couldn't go on and read, I had to stop. The first chapter pierced my heart with many emotions, anger, sadness, deep sorrow and the horrors of injustice that does occur in this world. Finally, I found the courage to read on knowing that I'd have to deal with the uncovering of how evil, disconnected, and vile humankind can be.

The main characters you've selected are brilliant. Why? Because anyone with a heart would be moved deeply by having to read about these two girls coping with the darkness of a world exempt of love and acceptance. Your writing style is wonderful, you've included sharpness, rawness, poetic like descriptions, and clear-cut, unmistakable weight in areas of the story that required it.

One thing I would have preferred is if you explained the reasoning's for Aisha being where she is, it's sort of left dangling and can get a bit frustrating for the reader. You do, however, bring it to light in the Chapter 5, although I think somewhere around Chapter 2 would probably be more fitting - that's totally up to you :)

I'm not a great critique on this site for heavy drama and would gracefully decline any offer of such, but after reading this I felt compelled to say 'damn it'..I will on this occasion...tales of emotion written first person don't normally hit the mark with me, thinking everyone has their own thoughts..but this truly powerful piece of writing hit me like a jack-boot to the nuts....wow!!!...what a truly gifted writer to pull the strings of this old ageing hippy when you very nearly had me in tears..I had to pause to make yet another cup of coffee to stop them......
just wanted to say my piece and thats it....most highest rated.
David

Hi Carrie,

I've only read the first chapter so far but I'm really liking this. This isn't my usual genre but your writing is is unbelievable! Your imagery is probably your strongest point. Your vivd descriptions make it really easy to picture everything that's going on.

Right from the beginning there was this ominous feel to it. The reader doesn't really know why Aisha and the others are being held captive (unless they read the pitch.) Aisha is a strong soul and I love how she cares for Miyu like a daughter. Both girls are still young and it's heartbreaking that they have to go through all that by themselves. The prison guards are definitely monsters.

This is hauntingly beautiful, six stars for sure!
Best of luck (not that you really need it.)

PS: I'm sure I've read this before...I'm not sure if I commented though.

DUST IN THE WIND

I started reading this for March Madness, and I think this is one of the few stories on this site where I’ve just been completely immersed in the story, living it, breathing it, and being totally horrified to the point where I have to step out and say to myself: “No, this isn’t real. It’s fiction. Don’t get so involved” (If that says anything about my personality—I hate reading fiction that makes me feel emotionally vulnerable). It’s fabulous!

I love the way you build the setting a little bit at a time, starting with one character having a bad dream, an unpleasant smell, more people, conditions, etc., etc. I’m just dying to keep reading and figure out what this place is exactly and how these people got there. And your evil prison guards put my story’s villainous characters to shame. They’re fantastically horrible. You’ve portrayed the evil and the fear and the degradation and the tension so well. And your characters are so varied and so vivid! Amazing, truly amazing how you do all of that—introduce all of that—in one chapter.

Your writing is masterful as well. It’s so clear, so transparent, and so well commanded that it’s easy to get lost in the world you’ve created without any distractions. You communicate mood and emotions so clearly. It’s really excellent. Why haven’t you found yourself an agent yet? (I’m serious!)

I really don’t have any suggestions. I could make some up, but *shrug.* I could only swallow the first chapter for now, but once it digests, I’ll be coming back for more.

Excellent job! A 6-starer for sure, and it’s going on my shelf soon for a LONG time. :-)

Sarah E.S.
Destiny of Species

Your writing is exceptional. I can’t even express the emotions that I experience when reading your work. You have talent, that much is clear, but it’s a lot more than that. You have a gift. It’s evidenced in every line, every paragraph. Your story unfolds beautifully, it’s bleak and grim but in an ethereal, unique, and heart wrenching way. Excellent, excellent work. And I’ve only read chapter one! Can’t wait to read more. (: If I can remark on one very minor thing – in your long pitch – coming from a family of marines, the term “former marine” is generally favoured over “ex-marine.” It’s the whole “once a marine, always a marine” motto. (:
Truly though, it was a blessing to read and I have to thank you for weaving such a beautiful story! Six stars from me. (:

Bre,
Memoria

This makes painful reading but it is gripping. Powerful writing. On my shelf.

This is so well-written. The descriptions are haunting- particularly for me having two bi-cultural children. Normally science fictions is not my thing, but I didn't feel anything I read was "out there." It is as if all of it could happen tomorrow (chills).

Will you be adding more to this anytime soon? Stacy G.

This is a story set in a dystopian future where certain ethnicities are placed into concentration camps in America due to tensions in world affairs and possible imminent world war between America on the one hand, and China, Japan, Korea and Arab states on the other. 

The story in the available upload focuses from the beginning on Aisha, the near eighteen year old daughter of an American ex-service man and a Korean woman.  Both Aisha and her mother are forced to choose what they think is refuge in a place of safety provided by the government as tensions mount openly amongst the public.  But this place of refuge turns out in fact to be a brutal concentration camp with routine beatings, executions and all manner of abuse at the hands of military guards. The mother from the beginning has already been taken away and killed in the camp, with a suspicion she may have been raped. 

The narrative is in the first person as Aisha recounts her days and nights and suffering - mental, emotional and physical, in herself and what she witnesses around her.  She finds herself in the midst of all this brutality taking care of a very young girl, Miyu, who is on the brink of death from starvation and exhaustion.  This relationship is very carefully and touchingly written. 

Chapter after chapter draws sadness from the reader. I had an issue with the length of the chapters. They are not overlong in themselves, but due to the subject matter they did demand of me and I think maybe even drained me somewhat. It's no bad thing to be able to do this as a writer. I've seen people post about this book making them cry in fact. I did think that often where the writer used star breaks in a chapter she might quite easily have started new chapters, and layered the sadness onto me rather than drawing it out of me in a way that made me want to pause as often as I did. Also some of the star breaks that surrounded shorter writings, I wondered if they were necessary at all. 

I found myself wishing that there had been more about how this state of affairs had arisen.  I wanted to believe this was a possible future.  But I was given very little beyond the basic dynamic of world tensions.  I would have liked to see maybe a line through from 9/11 and Guantanamo and then maybe changes in the Homeland Security Act and people becoming openly racist and how that external change maybe was matched to an increasingly bleak story in the camp.  That's an entirely personal take and suggestion.  But I did feel the set up needed more believability, otherwise it could be the harrowing story of any number of settings, past or future.  None of this detracts from what the writer portrayed or evoked, but it is given as a story of warning so I did want sometimes to believe more than I did that this was a possible future America.  Of course, all of this might be addressed later in the book, and even if it isn't the writer should be true to their vision. (* Carrie posted that the following chapters after what is up now do in fact deal with the timeline of how this came to be and reveal government involvement.)

The writing is highly polished, smooth and flowing. 

In the very last lines of the current upload, this story captured me, fully.

John

Carrie, this is outstanding! It is beautifully written, totally gripping. I'll put it on my WL, continue reading and surely shelve. It's almost unbearably sad, with a hard edge of menace to come. I am almost afraid to read on, but I have to. Six stars for sure.

Only one tiny nit: "I lay beside her..." should be "lie."

A magnificent, if dark, read. The story is compelling, drawing the reader in, and one connects with the narrator immediately. I love the first person narrative and the descriptive prose. I cleared a space for it on my shelf directly I read the first chapter. I can see it getting to the ED. - Gao Zuojia
Might I prevail upon you to read Kailai and the Dragon Prince and leave me your feedback?

I read everything that you have posted. This is amazingly written – so incredibly powerful, it will stick in my mind all day – or longer. It reads more like a poem than novel. Gripping, really. You paint Aisha perfectly, and portray the Center with such realism that I can feel the desperation. And it’s so incredibly horrifying – how is it that you are twenty four and this is in your imagination? It seems like a story that would be written by someone who has been to war – have you?!

My favorite line is:
The air whipping through my thick hair is hot and humid, like the Devil’s breath.
One minor thing stuck out to me (and God, I feel so silly even saying it but I always want to know any detail people see, but honestly if you did nothing with it, it would make absolutely no difference.):
The fresh drywall sucks the paint like water on desert sand. (drop the it’s. It reads smoother without it.)

Six starred and kept on my WL for now. I will be moving my shelf around in the next few days, and you will be on it.
KM

An awful reminder of how insecure our culture may be. This is a frightening, uncomfortable read but very well crafted. The descriptions are grim but credible. Backed.

This is a very intense story.
The pitch pulled me in because of Wyoming, and your pitch is also a drawer for readers. Your main character is very deep with so much feeling.
There is a lot of detail from the very beginning. It has a mood that sets the story.
Your book flows well to no end.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Wow, this is a gorgeously written book. You have a very lyrical writing style. Aisha is a strong, well-realized character. The only flaw in your writing that I can see is that sometimes you use too many abstract words and phrases. For example your prologue before the first chapter has a very static feel; there’s no action, no specifics, just a lot of general words.
You have a talent for taking the abstract and making it concrete—like the way you give a specific odor to grief, the sound of gunfire being like needles on Aisha’s skin, Anya’s voice being “rich and sweet like raw honey,” etc. That’s what makes the prologue so disappointing because it does nothing to show your true talent.
The story itself is very good, very well-written. I definitely want to read all you have posted.
Good luck! I hope you get this published.

Very well done! You have a wonderful way of unveiling details and backstory without weighing the initial chapters down with it. Your language evokes a darkness that is somehow intriguing, instead of repelling. I like the comparisons to Nazi Germany, but the fact that this is placed in present day makes it fresh albeit rather disheartening. I give this high stars and a place on my shelf. Cheers!
Caitlin Avery
Lightning in my Wires
The Last Cruz

Hi Carrie. I didn't see much to correct. All but a couple things looked fine...

CHAPTER THREE
Second paragraph, it should be “breathes,” not “breaths.”

CHAPTER FOUR
I didn't really get what happened after Dustin shot the guy.... Does that pick up in chapter six? Cuz no other guards saw it, heard the shot, etc? Even if they didn't hear the shot because of the rain, moving all the new arrivals, etc, wouldn't the guards go ape after the find one of their own shot?

CHAPTER FIVE
The ending is sad!

Thoughts on the story....

DESCRIPTION: Well done. You're good at throwing in details throughout the story, rather than just one big chunk of description to start the chapter, as I usually do.

REPETITIVE WORDS: Not many. I forget how the first chapter looked, but 2-5 I know were fine.

PACING: You switch things up a bit... i.e. first chapter in their room, chapter two the execution (I think), chapter three the thing with painting and missing dinner, chapter four the new arrivals, chapter five (I don't want to give away spoilers). That shakes it up a bit, and keeps the reader wondering what'll happen next. Basically it doesn't get boring.

CHARACTERS: Up until now the story has focused on the two girls. I like the voice you give her, and her perspective on things. I like that she tries to comfort the other girl, get her to eat, etc.

EASE TO READ/FOLLOW: It's well done.

DIALOGUE: It's not over-done. You definitely show more than tell (which is opposite of most writers, and that's a good thing). The dialogue seems realistic, and not too much of it. You mostly keep the reader in the MC's head. I tend to use dialogue too much, so I appreciate that you don't.

So overall, its well-written. Good luck getting to the editor's desk. I figure you can get there. I'd like to see the other chapters posted though, because I wonder where you'll go with the story. But that's up to you.

Shaun Holt
"Waiting for the Rain"

Carrie, Wow, I sat here tonight and read through the chapters you have posted and I sit here in amazement at your ability to reach into that kind of emotion. For the reader this is an impacting experience. You don't walk away and forget a story like this - it stays with you. And the potential reality of the situation is shattering, because this kind of thing does and has happened, to many people. I think of the people living in North Korea right now and I know there are camps there that people get thrown into for the most minor things. I pray for the people there very much. And to think of a situation like that here in the states, as in this story. Makes one think.

I love Aisha. She's very courageous and I love her concern (as much love and concern as any parent could feel) for Miyu. I realize that Miyu was not her child, but she'd certainly taken on the care of her as if she were her mother. This relationship between them is a powerful reflection for anyone reading this story. It speaks volumes about life and what our reactions might be if everything in our world turned insane and consequently we had to face such a situation with no loved one at our side. What would we do? Would we work for our own survival or sacrifice for that of someone else? Aisha seemed to draw a lot of courage from her love for Miyu.

You drew a picture of hope on one side and absolute despair on the other in describing the "initiation days" of the camp. "It hurts to see their faces grow dim with realization. There is a certain form of death in that - a death of innocence and hope - which is almost harder to bear than the death of the body." There is such depth of emotion in your writing. I would believe you had experienced this, if I didn't know it to be fiction. It's that well done. It makes me think of the author Stephen Crane. You probably know that he wrote "The Red Badge of Courage" and he had never been in war. He was in his early 20's when he wrote the book and had not been in the military - had no experience with war, but wrote such a convincing story concerning war, written with such depth, no one reading the story could believe he hadn't, especially those reading it who were veterans of war. In my mind, having read this portion of your story, I would say you have the same kind of power of imagination.

I would like to say that it took me quite a time, a few chapter in to the story before I knew what the situation was. In fact I think it was quite late in the story when I understood totally what had happened to Aisha's family - the situation that brought her to live in this camp in and I could not help but wonder if it wouldn't have been good to bring that in sooner.

It was a tragic point in the story, which is where it ended, when Miyu lost the will to live. It's sad, and yet you feel somehow a sense of relief for the child. No more suffering. And you feel the pain thinking of what she had to endure. I wonder about Aisha and how it will turn out and what the situation with the young soldier will be. You're working on my book cover, but you need to finish this story! *S*

Well, I can't give really do you justice with this little review, I'm sure. You are a tremendously talented young woman, Carrie. Keep on....

julie

The tension in this book is really ferious. Tellign a story about a ex-marine and Korean envolved in love is breath taking, but the racial fevor is unbias. Great book.

your use of the present tense works very well for this type of story= it is intence and keeps us reading on...
backed...
six stars*********
read SEASONS...

A very amusing read in my WL now and on my shelf too.

Very self indulgent writing and over dramatic.

Brilliant start to this book. You had me from the word go, or i suppose i should say monsters! I really felt like i was in the camp and could see and smell and sense everything with Aisha, really good build up of tension and atmosphere! I'll deffo keep reading this one!

Cheers,

Kiera

A good work and a nice attempt to bring the best out of present literature.

Thank you Carrie for inviting me to read your work, it is definitely out of my usual reading genre.
I loved the writing style you have, very pacey and descriptive. A lot of people have commented on the parallels with Nazi concentration camps and the breakdown of society to reach that point. Having read your pitch I see that is where it is heading and find myself curious to find out.
It’s definitely not an easy read and looking at the subject matter it definitely shouldn’t be. I’m looking forward to the next chapters to see where you are heading with the story, and have you on my watch list to see where you go!
James

A nice fiction work worth mentioning. Top rating with on my watch list.

You truly are a talented writer, and an absolute pleasure to read.

This is powerful stuff.

On my bookshelf, and I rarely rotate my choices.

Very well done.

Comments for Dust in the Wind

Notes for C1

‘The beating of my own heart wakes me.’ Who else’s would it be?
It’s a bit of a choppy start, but you soon hit your stride.

‘Her body is light, too light.’ That’s a nice sentence, simple, effective and implies so much more.

I like that establish a bond between two characters and generate a sense of empathy for them.

‘ . . . three men with their weapons raised.’ What kind of weapons? If you mean guns then say guns. It puts a more definite image in the mind of the reader.

My impressions of chapter one are that this is well thought out, the characterisation feels natural and isn’t forced upon the reader, and although the tone is mature, it would suit the YA market well. Actually, I strongly believe that we need books like this.

If you want to do a bit more research on the Holocaust etc., then I strongly recommend the following 2 books:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Rise-Third-Reich-William-Shirer/dp/0099421763/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1329673436&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Holocaust-Jewish-Tragedy-Martin-Gilbert/dp/0006371949/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1329673462&sr=1-1

Both are absolutely essential.

I hope to read more in the future.

Good look with this, it’s very promising.

Kind Regards

Iso

Don't know what I could contribute, but I must say something. This writing is absolutely resonant. I am mesmerized by the lyrical quality of this work. Once you hooked me with monsters, the only thing that pulled me back into reality was a tiny typo ",than the mind has already decided..." Should it be ", then the mind has already decided..."? Everything else flowed and kept me reading. I marveled at the description of hands slapping on a concrete floor. I could feel it. I love the way you ended this first chapter. I will be thinking about this story and these characters until I can get back to them tonight and finish reading.

From start to finish, you kept me on the edge of my seat. I am so captured by what Aisha is feeling and experiencing. She's a fantastic character, well developed, believable, and her attachment to the young Miyu shows us that she is very human. Her need to be able to do something for the little girl is so emotionally endearing. I can hardly stand the suffering, and yet I can't stop reading. I eagerly await the next installment of this book. Keep up the fantastic work, and don't ever give up on this. It's definitely going places. I've rated it 6 stars and will add it to my bookshelf.

Janet D Markus

Remarks on chapter two:

I like the “like the Devil’s breath,” line.

And.... I did not see anything to correct or different word choices to suggest. This chapter looks quite well polished. I wonder what is going to happen next.

Something I like about this chapter is there is very little dialogue. Its just your protagonist and her world.

There's not so much more I can say on this chapter. I am rooting for your main character. I hope she finds a way to get out of this. I wonder who, if any, allies she will have.

Again, chapter two looks good. Very well written.

Shaun Holt
"Waiting for the Rain"

Love it! But it makes me sad. But that's why I love it! More please!

This is a book that the whole world should read. High stars and adding to my shelf my dear. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Nina

This grabbed me from the first sentence. It is such an impressive work. The haunting melancholic voice of the narrator captivating, the story relentlessly drawing me in as I read further. There is a rhythm here as if you are truly writing in that magical zone of the author,one to which so many writers aspire but never find.

Images of the concentration camps flickerted before my eyes as I began to read but then this particular camp took over, the grayness of the air, the gray despair of the people, the whiteness of the paint, the smell of antiseptic. The dismay thickens as you add the horror, disillusionment and misery. The time where the new immigrants arrive was almost overwhelming as their joy turns to terror, a child lying dying at a father's feet. In another scene equally moving, a young boy of twelve lies stretching out to his mother, a bullet in his heart.
Unforgettable, beautifujl prose for a story of tyranny and despair.

Backed with respect with 6 *

Have just read the most recent chapter; it is very moving. I like the way you dip between the past and present, it put things in perspective and works really well. Yet again you have me waiting with baited breath!

A gripping story – very violent in parts, shocking in others, showing the best and worst of humanity. There is a strong opening sentence that reminded me of something Stephen King might write. I love the comparisons you make of the destruction in the prologue. I can really sense experiencing in the suffering you elude to. “I am not the enemy” in the first chapter creates a great sense of intrigue.

I was very shocked halfway through chapter one – I know nothing about containment facilities, but everyone in the UK thinks that they’re really cushy and people kept there are treated well. Obviously this is set in the future in America, and it is a completely different situation than most containment facilities, but it still provided a stark comparison. In spite of the atmosphere you create, what the soldiers actually did to the prisoners was surprising. The scene within those walls seemed incredibly realistic, even though it is upsetting.

I like the breaks in the chapters, and the chapters are paced well. The reader still has many burning questions by the second chapter, but they definitely want to keep reading! The characters you create are very compelling – Aisha in particular, and her story (for me) raised the most questions). The reaction of the last boy shot was great – we are rooting for him.

I immediately liked the young shoulder, and he is an example of an essentially good person just following orders. Him shooting a comrade for Aisha is unexpected to say the least. The overall atmosphere created in the story is desperate, yet hope is still evident – people begging for their family and trying to escape shows that not everyone has given up, and that saved the otherwise depressing storyline for me. It is more about people coping with impossible situations, than the horrific situations themselves.

Aisha’s constant questioning of humanity and what is happening to her is very realistic, and touching. As is her confusion between numbing herself to what is happening in an attempt to escape, and keeping her identity and sense of morality. The first person narrative works really well, and you seem to give the reader a balanced outlook, which is pretty rare. The POV doesn’t come across as restrictive at all, and it gives a more personal account which gives the story depth in a way. I can feel the relief when the bread is left on Aisha’s bed in chapter three. Chapter four explains the reasons the prisoners lead others falsely into the confines (something I didn’t understand in the first few chapters) and it is more heartbreaking in a way.

I love the flashback/memory in chapter five. That chapter is probably my favourite, and gives the reader a better idea of the overarching issues in society. It also shows Aisha’s parents reluctance to make a difficult decision. The racism is sometimes hard to swallow, but you certain don’t skirt around the issue. You portray Aisha’s reliance on Miyu very well. It is only when the little girl gives up that it is clear that Aisha is using her care of the child as a way to escape slightly.

Overall, an incredibly well written, professional sounding (does that make sense? It just reads like something already published) book that was very enjoyable. None of your sentences seem superfluous, and you use your words well.
There are so many lines you’ve written that are memorable. There are lots of vivid analogies, and a lot of what you read resonated with me. I think the most chilling part is that this could happen, if people allowed that evil to happen. Both futuristic and realistic. Definitely six stars and I’m backing this! Please let me read the rest when you finish it.

This story is relentlessly grim. It is gripping and violent, not my usual type of thing. But it is extremely well written. The characters are so well formed and the descriptions are so convincing. I would find it hard to sleep at night having read this! I like the ambiguity at the beginning, we do not know what has happened to draw everday normal Americans into this nightmare of Nazi proportions. It is a timely reminder of the horror that lies just beneath the surface of any culture. There but for the grace of God... Highly starred. Powerful writing.

I really like this, and I want to read more - I like the monster hook. I just read without stopping - I like your descriptions and your use of the senses in your writing - I can feel, hear, taste, smell, see everything. I also like Miyu, which makes me think she will play some part in an upcoming conflict. Aisha is written well.
One question I have is what war? It seems like all people of color outside of African Americans are in this story. Is it the whites against the world again, or something more? And as this is speculative, I'm wondering what nations, countries, etc., are at war, and if it's 9/11-esque. Good job!

Carrie, This book is equal degrees of beauty and horror. Aisha is a beautiful character, and your writing is some of the most gripping I've encountered. The story, the setting, what Aisha is experiencing... it's all very heavy and at times almost unbearable. Dustin is the one speck of light that I see in the dreary place, but at the same time I'm wary of him. It's unbelievable what you've done to me in these few chapters. You've sent me on an emotional roller coaster, and now I feel like the ride has stopped mid-loop and I'm stuck suspended in the air. I must know what happens next. Please update this soon.

Charlotte Wimsy