The Revenant Fire (The Decay of Man - Book One)

Hey Carson,
I read the first few chapters and am really enjoying the story.
The prologue is a bit long for my taste, but thats a matter of opinion. It reads a bit more like a first Chapter rather than a Prologue in that you describe much of the setting and the characters. It does build tension and intrigue towards the end, but dropping some of the back story and adding it later may help the get the intensity going earlier.
Chapter 1 was gripping and action packed. I thought that it was a battle stemming from the Prologue and was surprised to find it more of a practice between father and son.
Overall a great idea and I will be reading more! High stars:)
Brittanee
- Sinful

Carson, I finished what you have up here. I like Vairgoan capitalized :) It makes it more apparent (to me, anyway) that to be Vairgoan is substantial to their nature and identity, rather than just descriptive.
You've brought the confict in the story up very nicely indeed, and we begin to see what the crucial conflicts will be. It's political, to do with saving the throne, and the struggle against the monsters is undertaken for that goal. It gives you a great setup, if you want it, for a climax to the story to involve THAT struggle, against he zombie types, and a denouement wherein the political struggle is settled, or at least temporarily relieved.... or kept hot and vital as a pull readers into the sequel, which is what I would probably choose :) Very nice.
The last chapter has a long speech by the queen. I would break that up here and there with a comment about action, like having her wring her hands, or glance at this or that, or take Pyraven's measure, to see how he is taking it all. Long speeches are hard to handle, and my emotional investment in this one didn't quite justify it. I don't know why, but they seem to me to work better if the character stops talking for a moment and does something. Think about talking to a real person, and how often you stand still to listen to a speech that long in real life. But if the speaker is pausing to hold up a hand, or gestureing or something, it signals that they are not done, and you wait for more. Of course, this is a queen, so perhaps people are expected to let her go on... in which case I would interrupt the speech long enough to say "he wanted to interject, but he had to wait, in respect, for her to finish" or something. It's a small matter, though, not something that shows up often in your story. Characters CAN give really long speeches without slowing the story, if they are letting the reader know something they really need to know, or if a critical decision is being reached, etc., but then you should tell the reader what is being decided, like, "I have thought about the question of what to do with you.... (long discussion of the circumstances). So, you must go and help the humans out."
When Pyraven finds the dead guards, I wanted him to immiediatly establish his innocence by reutrning to the queen and saying, "Hey, I was with you until two minutes ago, so you know I didn't do this, but I found these dead people..." So, I would like a reason he doesn't do that. Like maybe, he figures they will triple the guard on him and he can't leave to help out the humans, if he doesn't go now.
I wanted more information on "opal bred with steel" weapons, like, some sort of reason that combination works on Vairgoans. It's like... Well, it's like kryptonite and Superman. It's not enough to say kryptonite kills him, we have to have the story that the same thing that makes him super is what makes the kryptonite deadly to him. So, the writer tells us it's the remains of his own red-sun planet, now radiating with super energy, and we can have a reason for understanding why kryptonite is powerful enough to harm Superman. In other words, once we suspend our disbelief enough to accept a set of super powers, now we have to have a reason to accept limits on these powers.
Along those lines, when Pyraven pulls out the ordinary steel knife, and observes that it's really useless against Vairgoans, it pulled me back to that sparring scene where the king gets cut and doesn't even care (even though it ruined his shirt, the cut was no more than the equivilent of a paintball marking a "hit.") For that matter, they heal so fast that it's as though they don't even make an impression, other than as a way of keeping score in sparring. In that case, the steel knife makes no more sense than me picking up a spray bottle of water when I hear a burglar in the house, and being comforted by it. So it's incongruent. But if those cuts from steel can't kill or maim, but realy HURT, enough to slow down an attack, and maybe get away, and if htey take a minute or two to heal, supericiailly, and a day or two to heal totally, then you have a great way to inflict more suffering on characters who are ultimately going to win the battle, and a great way for humans to have narrow escapes, if you want them to... Since I don't know where the story is going, I don't know if it would be really usefull, but you might give it some thought. But if you don't make them HURT, then Pyraven probably shouldn't be comforted by a steel knife.
So far, all we know of Vairgoans feeding on men is clinical observation that they do, and a reference to "bowl after bowl of blood" brought to the sick boy. I think you should let us know how this is done, give us a look at the harvesting. This is tricky, because if it's brutal, we won't like the Vairgoans as much, and you need us to like them. But it's a fact in the story, so show us what's happening. On that topic, when someone says, "I don't know if you are sympathetic to humans as kin, or view them as livestock," probably needs to be a little more direct, in one direction or another. Is is a source of community conflict, that some feel bad for their kin, the humans, while others despise them as cattle? OR is there a general feeling by the community in one direction or the other? If it's generally sympathy for their kin, then Vairgoans should have a common internal conflict about their nature. If it's generally a livestock point of view, then individual characters can struggle with their shame of secretly pitying the livestock. You could even have the person who asks this question be advocating a proper way for Vairgoans to think, and show the contempt he has for those who differ from his point of view.

I also think you missed a pretty good opporunity to build up the internal conflict with Pyraven when he kills his adopted brother. You can make this a really painful scene for him, and you can build sympathy by letting him suffer much more in the fight. Get him wounded, not severely, but enough that he now MUST kill his brother, because he can't fight on to protect the other guy for long, now. Put him through some major contortions trying to avoide the death stroke. OR, show us that Pyraven recognizes the madness and disease, and knows immediatly that his brother will have to be killed, and then play up the conflict that Pyraven happens to be the one handy to do it. But whatever you do, it's a major scene... milk it for all it's worth, with is a lot! But I think if Pyraven is going to have to do it, it should be really hard for him to go through with it. Not just, "oh,oh, not much time left now to save the other guy, I better get over there and cut his head off."
By the way, minor point, but it jarred me a little with the healer said of the sick boy that there's a lot of humanity left in him. Are they human? I wanted to look back and see if "human" was used to differentiate mankind from Vairgoans. You might need a different word, there... or a suggestion that Vairgoans started as human, and still value some of their humanity (which would impact the previous discussion of "kinship vs. livestock.")
Well, all of the above is what I would do with this terrific story, but you are doing fine with this one. I hope something in there strikes you as a worthwhile suggestion, and might help you get all there is out of this story. But I have to say, I like it as is. I would not be disapointed with it in it's current form. Nicely done.

Carson- Nice work. I stopped to just see what you had to offer, and stayed an hour, because I made the mistake of reading your prologue :) So, chapter three, here's what I see:
I think there is something slighlty off about the short pitch ending with "man is feeding on itself." But you could easily say "mankind is feeding on itself." Or "men are feeding on themselves. (probably not quite the best either, but...) The long pitch gave me more story details than I want, because now it's hard to surprise me when these things happen. Instead of telling me that if P feeds on the girl's blood, he changes into something bad, I would simply say something about "he must avoid the danger he, himself, poses to her," or like that. Peak my curiosity, but don't tell me what the actual issue is. I note that everyone else liked your pitches, so perhaps it's just me...
I do not find you to be "wordy," but I don't know if you have re-worked since getting those comments, or if it's just taste. I like detail, and rarely get taken out of the story by it. But something that's unclear pulls me out in a flash. Likewise, I was not bothered by excessive commas (but you know we share that trait, so...)
Your "stand out" talent seems (so far) to be description, as some other comments observe. Just once in a while (RARELY!) it seemed a touch over done, though nothing stands out as I think back on it. Usually, this means I thought there were too many desciptions of too many different things in one paragraph. Occasionally I get that thought when I find a description to be a bit too dramatic... and I'm sorry I can't recall at what point or two I made the mental note to mention it. If I can find those spots later, I'll let you know. But because it's your best talent I've seen so far, I suggest you might be careful with it. Don't give us so much that we take it for granted, or stop noticing it... and i think that's a real risk with your writing, becuase you do description so well. Like the show business adage: Always leave them wanting more.
I wonder what the scene with the black horse is really for? If you have some role for that horse character to paly later on, then disregard this, because it's "characcterization" for an animal character in a book where horses don't talk. But if the black horse is a prop, the scene might be better off without it. To begin with, a dog might want to warn people away from danger, but if you've worked with horses, well, it's not a horsey characteristic. Second, anyone who has thrown a rope on a horse more than once or twice is READY for that horse to bolt, and isn't likely to land on his face from hanging on too hard, and not being ready to pick up his feet... and these charactrers appear to be experienced drovers. So... maybe that scene is there so we won't like these guys much, and can accept their deaths easily, while you reveal the monster? Well, it's not bad, but that one scene could use some work in some way. Among other things, when I read it, I couldn't remember you telling us that the rider took off a saddle, etc. If I just overlooked it, no problem, but if you didn't take the tack off, then the guys who tried to alternately catch it and shoot it with an arrow should have noticed a loose horse with saddle and bridal, and THAT would have been a warning that meant something to them. I remember trying to sort it out in my head, as I read that scene.
A couple people mentioned the names, and I concurre with someone who said that they're a little complicated. It would read easier if the names of people who will appear in the same scene are very distinct, OR very simple, either one. I believe that people who tend to read very fast are the ones bothered by this. They want to be able to recognize the name at a glance, not have to actually read the word to figure out who you are talking about. So, as long as the names would be easily distinguished on flash-cards, they work well. Mip and Mop are easily distinguished. Miphostels, and Mophistal would have to be read, and that chafes a bit to some of us.
Now here's a really nit-picking suggestion: Have you determined the origin of the word "vairgoan"? Because it nagged at me, somehow seeming like it needs to be capitalized. I had to think about it a bit, and maybe it's just me, but it seems like the "-an" on the end is like "Samoan," meaning, from Samoa, or "Lilliputian," from Lilliput. You know, like Asians are (racially) from Asia.But, to use an outdated word as the other example, people who descend from inhabitants of Africa are called Africans, but the word "negro" never become "negroan." Even Caucasian was originally "from the Cauccasus region." So, if vairgoans are people from Vairgoa, capitalize it. But if thats a race, they might be "vairgoish" or "the vairgo" or even "vairgoic," as in, "his vairgoic traits were obvious." I know, that's a silly issue, but it nagged because when I see a word I don't know, it stops me, and I look for clues to it's meaning. Things like capital letters and suffixes provide those clues. Feel free to entirely disregard that "issue." :)
Carson, this is really good work, I think. I am a firm believer that a good story will cover a multitude of sins in writing technique, and a good technique will make a poor story very readable, but overall, I think you have both working well here. This is the second story I have found here that I want to see more of just to enjoy the story... the second of maybe twenty that I have looked at. I am likely to "shelf" this one, if I have the local vernacular right.
I hope I returned the favor you did me earlier with your observations.

Prologue :

Very interesting and I was gripped from the start. It especially has me sold by the end of it, well done job. The visuals are nice, as are the emotions of the main character.

The only thing that's unusual, is, I think a prologue stands out more if it's one scene with such a twist at the end where you want to read more. You've shifted scenes in a lot of places in this prologue, and I think it might be more effective if he's already searching the cave, or running to it. Then flashbacks of the pub, his children, his emotions. I think it would have a further gripped effect, but that is just my opinion. Nice work, and I look forward to reading more (:

BHCG Review

Prologue: I found myself not wanting to be told Karl's story - but to experience it. I understand that it could be there is no room for it in the narrative - but I wondered if your prologue might be stronger if we are immediately taken into the reality of a moment of crisis in his life - the sounds, the sights, the smells, the anguish - instead of being told about it. The part of the narrative that begins "As Karl reached the mining village..." is strong because you draw the reader into the immediacy of the action taking place. Perhaps this paragraph could go first and the backstory of the previous few paragraphs could get woven in afterwards as you go...I also felt like I wanted more of a chase before he finds the red stone - I was ready for at least a few chapters describing how he looked for it - and then found it at last. I'm interested in this story - there is really good stuff here - but I do feel like too much was condensed into one chapter and that the writing might be stronger if you put us in the moment of each on of these scenes - but at least pick one and let us completely feel that scene - rather than summarizing it this way.

After such a power-packed opening, I was pleased to see that Chapter One begins with a battle - and then disappointed that it was just sparring, not a battle at all. This chapter almost seems a bit too tame - following such a violent and action-packed prologue.

The next chapter is action packed again and we are back to Karl - I still haven't heard the word
"vairgoan" yet - so I am starting to wonder what it is - I have my guesses, I thin it has something to do with Karl but I am a bit confused and want to know already.

Don't get me wrong - the writing here is solid. The story line is interesting and keeping my attention - I am only trying to think of how you might make it better. I know that you need to have patience with epic fantasies and let the story unfold and tell itself - but the best epic fantasies take you into the life/mind/story of one individual and follow that trajectory so that you care about the person and want to know more about them. So far, I'm not really feeling that connected to any of the characters - but then again, I am only on chapter three. It's quite hard to judge an epic fantasy here on Authonomy I think.

Anyway - I would focus on the individual and making the reader really feel like they are "in" the scene - a bit earlier on. The story is there, but I felt a bit of a lack of "connection."

Good stuff though, all in all.

All the best,

Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

This was great epic fantasy.there is so much excitement and action...made me a little breathless. But that can be considered a good thing! Engaging characters and a plot that got me involved quickly. I think you've got some great descriptions just be careful not to make them too wordy. Your prologue works well. It intrigued me and does what a prologue should...made me want to continue. I think this has a ton of potential and has a place in this market. While it can be tightened a bit more, I love the story. Well done!

I will shelve this week
Missy

This is a BHG crit. A bit shorter than my usual I'm afraid, as I'm not too well.

Pitches: Like the short pitch. To the point. Long Pitch: I wondered if it could be in a paragraph or two to break it up, and perhaps a tad shorter, but it's not important.

Plot: Interesting fantasy plot, suitably gruesome and up to date.

Pacing: It was fine for me, I only wondered whether it could be perhaps tightened a little to make it that bit more appealing to your YA audience, but then again, many like something to get their teeth into.

Characters/isation: I liked your field of characters. A couple had rather similar names, which might be an issue, but you brought everyone alive in an individual and interesting way.

POV/Voice: I didn't feel a massively individual voice, but the story has its own rythmn and tone which is consistent through what I've read.

Overall, I enjoyed the read, and read four chapters (now I need to get back to bed.) I made the following notes as I read, which you can take or leave as ever:

Prologue - I'd mabe have liked this a little shorter and snappier. There is quite a lot of backstory/explaining going on in it that I felt could have been slotted in to the story itself. I wasn't sure why it was a prologue rather than a chapter. You could lose a lot and make a really good hook.

Did you mean to put 'there it set....' (at the foot of the rocky peak...' rather than sat?
You have two 'horses' close together - '...on the back of his horse Silvati.... he kicked the horse....'

Chapter 1 - Iiked this more than the prologue - it felt much zippier and faster moving, taking us in to the world of the characters and what was going on. It was much more exciting and felt like you'd really hit your stride and got going, but that may just be me. Others may love that prologue.

I like your descriptions - eg, 'the sky was beginning to boil with leaden clouds...' etc. and I've enjoyed what I've read enough to come back and read the rest of what you've posted when I feel better.
Cariad.

Hi Carson

Thanks for your lovely feedback on Sixteen, Sixty-One. I've just begun reading Waste of Man and am drawn in by your dramatic pitches. Like you with my book, I'm reading this as someone who wouldn't normally approach this genre, but you clearly have such an interesting premise that I think this could be a story that appeals to many.

My main thought after the prologue was that there was a lot of action happening all at once, which, instead of immediately grabbing my attention, worked to confuse me and made it somewhat difficult for me to warm to/identify with a character or situation. This might just be me wanting to read it more like regular fiction, so please ignore if irrelevant, but personally I'd have liked more dialogue and scene-setting in the beginning to ease me into your characters. I did then find all that in chapter 1, which is where I started really getting into your story.

I hope some of that makes sense! I look forward to reading future drafts.

CLS x

CLS

BHCG
I like the description in the opening paragraph of chpt 1, I can visualize the group of fighters on the hill. It's hard to tell where the point of view is coming from - the narrator? Marticen? I'm also not sure if I would use two names so similar. Marticen, Mertisio. I like the action through the woods and then when they jump from the waterfall. Take care to write your action scenes in proper order other wise the reader gets confused, its the same when you skip a peice of the action, even when its small it still throws the reader off. Perhaps a sound or something for the men to have a reason to look up at Farahnia when she gets to the top of the stairs. I like the gradual introduction towards Marticen's royal position. We get to know him as a man and a father first - nice. I did not read the prologue, but as for your style and character developement - you have definitely created a mentally visual experience. I was able to bond with your characters and have a desire to read more. Over all I am empressed with your style and think that areas requiring improvement are more of the occasional mechanical action flaw. A little tightening and 'By Jove I think you've got it!'
Kris

Thanks. With all the advice I'm sure things will tighten up a lot.

BHCG
I like the description in the opening paragraph of chpt 1, I can visualize the group of fighters on the hill. It's hard to tell where the point of view is coming from - the narrator? Marticen? I'm also not sure if I would use two names so similar. Marticen, Mertisio. I like the action through the woods and then when they jump from the waterfall. Take care to write your action scenes in proper order other wise the reader gets confused, its the same when you skip a peice of the action, even when its small it still throws the reader off. Perhaps a sound or something for the men to have a reason to look up at Farahnia when she gets to the top of the stairs. I like the gradual introduction towards Marticen's royal position. We get to know him as a man and a father first - nice. I did not read the prologue, but as for your style and character developement - you have definitely created a mentally visual experience. I was able to bond with your characters and have a desire to read more. Over all I am empressed with your style and think that areas requiring improvement are more of the occasional mechanical action flaw. A little tightening and 'By Jove I think you've got it!'
Kris

Carson

I've just read the first four chapters of your novel. I think it is a great premise and you have set the scene nicely. You clearly have a very good imagination to come up with a whole new world. As with the other readers I feel that there is some wordiness however in your defence when you're deeply immersed in a world and a storyline you can end up purging onto the paper and this can show up as wordiness. Nothing that can't be honed as you rewrite and edit.

I particularly noticed the excessive use of commas. i.e. "He sent it back, to two heathy young girls." No comma needed here, reads just as well without it in a sentence as short as this. Similarly, "he supposed" is surplus to requirements as we already know it is Karl who is thinking. I always keep Stephen King in mind. In "On Writing" he proposes that:
2nd Draft = 1st Draft less 10%

Your description is very good however the dialogue can be a little stilted. Try reading it aloud to yourself to see if it sounds realistic. It is formal so clearly it is not going to sound "normal" but you can get a feel for whether it flows.

I think the prologue could be snappier and more action packed. Who cares if Karl makes a camp? Get to the running and the falling and the desperation! The descriptive style and the slower pace is absolutely right for the world of the vairgoans but Karl is just a poor schmuck whose plight makes us want to read on! His scrabbly, stressful beginnings should make a wonderful juxtaposition to the beautiful world that follows where the inhabitants are so sure of themselves. His delirium could have been a good plot device to bring his family in for the first time (just a thought).

Overall I thought this was imaginative and think it has the potential to be shaped into something very good.

Best of luck, Marns

Thanks for the input. I've since rewritten the prologue with about a thousand fewer words, but don't expect you to take the time to read it again. For some reason my finger naturally goes to the comma button when I type. Its something I'm going to have to break if it takes shock therapy to do it. Thanks for reading four chapters. I think that's more than anyone.

Carson

I've just read the first four chapters of your novel. I think it is a great premise and you have set the scene nicely. You clearly have a very good imagination to come up with a whole new world. As with the other readers I feel that there is some wordiness however in your defence when you're deeply immersed in a world and a storyline you can end up purging onto the paper and this can show up as wordiness. Nothing that can't be honed as you rewrite and edit.

I particularly noticed the excessive use of commas. i.e. "He sent it back, to two heathy young girls." No comma needed here, reads just as well without it in a sentence as short as this. Similarly, "he supposed" is surplus to requirements as we already know it is Karl who is thinking. I always keep Stephen King in mind. In "On Writing" he proposes that:
2nd Draft = 1st Draft less 10%

Your description is very good however the dialogue can be a little stilted. Try reading it aloud to yourself to see if it sounds realistic. It is formal so clearly it is not going to sound "normal" but you can get a feel for whether it flows.

I think the prologue could be snappier and more action packed. Who cares if Karl makes a camp? Get to the running and the falling and the desperation! The descriptive style and the slower pace is absolutely right for the world of the vairgoans but Karl is just a poor schmuck whose plight makes us want to read on! His scrabbly, stressful beginnings should make a wonderful juxtaposition to the beautiful world that follows where the inhabitants are so sure of themselves. His delirium could have been a good plot device to bring his family in for the first time (just a thought).

Overall I thought this was imaginative and think it has the potential to be shaped into something very good.

Best of luck, Marns

Carson,

A nice short pitch and long pitch that made me want to continue on with the read. I continually struggle with my pitches, so I enjoy bumping into pitches that make me want to take another stab at writing my own. Anyways, I read through your first chapter. The one suggestion I would give is that I found that there was almost too much "stage setting" for me. Although, I write for children so this may be just a different in genres and my personal preferences. It just seemed that a lot of descriptions about the setting overwhelmed really important action occuring in the first chapter. My main advice would be to make sure we are focused in on Karl first and foremost. Take all of this advice with a grain of salt as this is just my humble opinion and I am very new to writing. Good luck with this!

Best,

Ashley

Thanks for looking it over. The common sentiment seems to be that I have some trimming to do.

Carson,

A nice short pitch and long pitch that made me want to continue on with the read. I continually struggle with my pitches, so I enjoy bumping into pitches that make me want to take another stab at writing my own. Anyways, I read through your first chapter. The one suggestion I would give is that I found that there was almost too much "stage setting" for me. Although, I write for children so this may be just a different in genres and my personal preferences. It just seemed that a lot of descriptions about the setting overwhelmed really important action occuring in the first chapter. My main advice would be to make sure we are focused in on Karl first and foremost. Take all of this advice with a grain of salt as this is just my humble opinion and I am very new to writing. Good luck with this!

Best,

Ashley

I think your words sometimes get in the way of what is sometimes quite excellent phrasing, making the writing seem a little clumsy at times. A little trimming of qualifiers (like 'quite') would help bring out the strength of your writing, as would paying a little more attention to some of the word-choices ('surviving' for instance is okay in the context you give but 'enduring' might be better. For instance, you might try opening with:

He had never been so far north; few living souls had. Fifteen days ago he had been in Boreldan, enduring the final days of summer, longing for the cool of the fall. In Boreldan, even now, warm southern winds would be kissing the hair of the women and delicate flowers would be in bloom. Boreldan folk were warm as their lands, it was said. Hel pulled his thin wool cloak about him, gazed over the mountains and shivered'

Or something along those lines. I think that gives as much information as your opening paragraph to the reader but more succinctly and (hopefully) in the same sort of style.

You could consider the difference between:

the blood stone fell into the water and turned black. the cavern was now immersed in darkness and fierce, bestial screams.

and

the blood stone blackened as it fell into the water, extinguishing the crimson light. Fierce, bestial screams echoed in the dark.

Overall, I think the bones of this makes a good opening, but there's quite a lot of repetition (eg we get that it's cold early on, emphasising that by having him shiver or things of that sort is fine, just restating it's cold is a trifle redundant). I liked the ideas in this ('sending his mind' for instance) and some of the imagery. But to be brutally honest, I think what is good is a bit smothered by extraneous words. Keep the good stuff (the adjectives and adverbs), make sure your verbs are apposite and trim out uneeded qualifiers and reminders. I think that'll bring out the quality in this piece.

Thanks for the advice. I understand completely. I've trimmed a bit and will do more as I get more time.

Thanks for reading and commenting. This entire experience has been surreal, helpful, and frightening.

Carson,

Yes, your style is different, yet likeable. The imaginative description is what I liked most, some might criticise for not getting to the point, but when done well, this can be as captivating as a gripping thriller.

I did find that your early action got a little lost. I was with Karl, fighting the cold and the wind as his horse carried him towards the Stone Mountain, but then suddenly he was awakened by a screech and I had not realised he had even made camp. Just as quickly, the day disappears, even as he has started to gallop off, it seems he as reached the village at the foot of the mountain.

I do think this will be great. Maybe a little more action in the narrative to complement your great descriptions. I expect that as the story unfolds, we will get a greater percentage of action.

I like this a lot.
Warrick

I think your words sometimes get in the way of what is sometimes quite excellent phrasing, making the writing seem a little clumsy at times. A little trimming of qualifiers (like 'quite') would help bring out the strength of your writing, as would paying a little more attention to some of the word-choices ('surviving' for instance is okay in the context you give but 'enduring' might be better. For instance, you might try opening with:

He had never been so far north; few living souls had. Fifteen days ago he had been in Boreldan, enduring the final days of summer, longing for the cool of the fall. In Boreldan, even now, warm southern winds would be kissing the hair of the women and delicate flowers would be in bloom. Boreldan folk were warm as their lands, it was said. Hel pulled his thin wool cloak about him, gazed over the mountains and shivered'

Or something along those lines. I think that gives as much information as your opening paragraph to the reader but more succinctly and (hopefully) in the same sort of style.

You could consider the difference between:

the blood stone fell into the water and turned black. the cavern was now immersed in darkness and fierce, bestial screams.

and

the blood stone blackened as it fell into the water, extinguishing the crimson light. Fierce, bestial screams echoed in the dark.

Overall, I think the bones of this makes a good opening, but there's quite a lot of repetition (eg we get that it's cold early on, emphasising that by having him shiver or things of that sort is fine, just restating it's cold is a trifle redundant). I liked the ideas in this ('sending his mind' for instance) and some of the imagery. But to be brutally honest, I think what is good is a bit smothered by extraneous words. Keep the good stuff (the adjectives and adverbs), make sure your verbs are apposite and trim out uneeded qualifiers and reminders. I think that'll bring out the quality in this piece.

Yeah, I read somewhere that courier was preferred for manuscripts, but I'm realizing it should be new roman. Thanks for pointing that out.

I have taken a look through the opening chapter. I agree that the font makes it hard to read, minor but unfourtunatly true.

The character are good and the plot works well.

all the best

Timmy
Asylum

I would suggest you change the font. The courier is hard to read. Your prologue I think could be a lot of shorter. It starts out too slow but the ending was good. Poor Karl, he wanted to save his daughter and he turned into something. The subsequent chapters were paced ok, as they went right into story and action.

I did not notice any egregious prose or grammar errors. That's good.

Thanks for the read.

Hi Carson, I have now read your first chapter.

I like to story, but there are some Punctuation problems, (believe me i have the worse problems with this as well as well as spelling) As i read this i found the comma's seemed to stop the flow of the story. I think that with a little help and work this would shine
I
eg... He had never been this far before. few alive, had.

dont quote me but i feel it should read

He had never been this far before, few made it alive (or the like)
there are quite a lot like it.

I was told by a very clever person on here to download a natural reader. this will read it back to you and help you no end.

all in all, its still backed by me, but for how long will depend on how you deal with the flow
all the best
Hayley
FAIRY RING FARM

Thanks for being the first. I see your point and I've already thought of a better sentence. I am considering turning the first chapter into a prologue. I've always found them snobbish, but I think it would make more sense to start the story at chapter two.

Hi Carson, I have now read your first chapter.

I like to story, but there are some Punctuation problems, (believe me i have the worse problems with this as well as well as spelling) As i read this i found the comma's seemed to stop the flow of the story. I think that with a little help and work this would shine

eg... He had never been this far before. few alive, had.

dont quote me but i feel it should read

He had never been this far before, few made it alive (or the like)
there are quite a lot like it.

I was told by a very clever person on here to download a natural reader. this will read it back to you and help you no end.

all in all, its still backed by me, but for how long will depend on how you deal with the flow
all the best
Hayley
FAIRY RING FARM