Book Jacket

 

rank 240
word count 25880
date submitted 15.10.2011
date updated 01.04.2012
genres: Romance, Historical Fiction, Comedy...
classification: universal
incomplete

PEMBERLEY POLLUTED

Emma Arnold

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good body must be in want of a bit of crumpet.

 

When Elizabeth Bennet is invited to tea at Rosings she expects to be mildly bored by the ramblings of the dictatorial Lady Catherine de Bourgh but she didn't reckon on again meeting the arrogant Mr Darcy and his dashing cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam.

The Colonel, who is just back from fighting the Napoleonic Wars, is a cad and he's looking for fun. When he sets his sights on Elizabeth she is determined to resist but the Colonel is used to getting his own way and the more difficult the prey the more satisfying the hunt.

This is Regency England where the scales of power fall very much in favour of the Colonel but with the good name of her family at stake and her very soul in peril Elizabeth must succeed at outwit this pusillanimous predator. But will she? Or will Darcy save her from a fate worse than death?

Thank you to Jane Austen for creating such wonderful characters, plot, dialogue and prose for me to have fun with.


 
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tags

comedy, darcy, elizabeth bennet, fan fic, pride and prejudice, romance

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80 comments

 

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Connie King wrote 148 days ago

A delicious entertainment of highly-intense, sophisticated comedy, as sharp-witted as they come. You have captured the feel of Jane Austen's world - before turning it on its head! Rip-roaringly funny, surreal and infused with excellent and amusing one liners throughout the sixteen chapters. I didn't want it to end. it left me feeling hungry wanting lashings of second helpings. All in all I found your writing and story telling quite exceptional.
Connie King
Christmas in Prince Albert Street..

Rose C wrote 148 days ago

A surprise - and great fun! I love satire, and this was truly inventive. I laughed out loud when the drunken Elizabeth tried to help a wounded Darcy. And the arrival of King Arthur, and subsequent clash between Dark Ages and eighteenth century mindsets was marvellous. Keep it up!

Backed and starred,

Rosemary
The Girl who was Canada

Wussyboy wrote 222 days ago

I was cruising the site tonight, looking for a light read after a heavy edit, and I found it.

THIS IS HILARIOUS! I was happily reading away, thinking "well, this is nice, where's me mug of cocoa, mater?" when I hit upon this line:

'A wet nose burrowing enthusiastically into her crotch cut into her thoughts."

Well, it WOULD do, wouldn't it? Bang went the cocoa, in the same direction as that collie's nose!

Your long pitch could do with changing, Emma. To give a plot outline perhaps? And definitely to do away with the P & P 'homage'. Let your readers discover the fun for themselves!

Highly starring you - and thanks for the giggles.

Joe Kovacs
Rupee Millionaires

whoster wrote 190 days ago

Following on from your thread extolling the virtues of Chapter 12, I had a read and was thoroughly impressed by the beautiful wordplay, illiterations, and of course a liberal injection of puerile humour. This was expertly handled, and the characters are wonderful. I love eccentric writing, and this really is top drawer. Vastly starred, and is on my watchlist for a backing when a space becomes available. Well done.

HarrietG wrote 200 days ago

Oh my tail and whiskers! What products of a febrile imagination unfold across the pages of this last chapter. Such images to conjure with! I had thought the only use for goose fat was roasting potatoes - I am enlightened.

Rubyone wrote 59 days ago

An excellent and witty romp. Can't wait to read more of it. Worth backing and starring.

Wussyboy wrote 65 days ago

Just read your latest chapter, Emma - good to see you writing again!

GILLIAN.M.H wrote 66 days ago

Comlit review by Gillian Bergh
Cover and picture good. This looks like a skit of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice.
Chapter One - I agree with Wussyboy's comment about the dog.
Mr Collins thinks he is a gentleman, but does not have good manners. A gentleman would put others at their ease. I would like him to get his comeuppance. Beautiful writing - It could be used for directions to make costumes and scenery for a film. Beest of all in this chapter, is when the young man in the military uniform buts in and offers to show Elizabeth Bennett the park, leaving Darcy staring after them.
Chapter Two - BLUSHES IN THE ROSE GARDEN - Yes in deed! The double-standards where Elizabeth's reputation would be ruined for 'allowing' a man to touch and kiss her, while he would be thought less badly thought of makes me angry. Not that I'm saying you should not have put it in, because it is true to life.
Colonel Fitzwilliam..... Scarlett jacket [should be scarlet jacket]
Mr Pukey Poo - It says a lot about a character who would call a dog that. Only someone who does not have to clean up the mess, and who others would not dare laugh at would do it.

ROBBISPIERRE'S PARROT.
I am warming to Mr Darcy. The parrot is a scream!
That German shouldn't even be on the thrown of England. [throne] Another classic tale is brought into this book. It fits well, but I won't say anymore so as not to spoil it for those who have not read your book.

BLUSHES AT BREAKFAST - 'Belly button intactus!' ;-) Elizabeth is so innocent as well brought up young ladies were.
This book still has 'TV script Quality'. It is getting like a Carry On Film.

Chapter 10 PP the dog 'out of salts'? [I couldn't decide if this is a typo, or it is meant as a howler spoken by the character.] When Darcy jumped up and said , 'No you don't!' I thought at first he was talking about having Anne bled again.

Gillan Bergh [Don't Wake the Lion!}

Maevesman wrote 82 days ago

My wife Maeve asked me to back this again. She really loves your book, says it makes her giggle. We read some parts together and I must say it did make me chuckle.

GCleare wrote 104 days ago

This is amazing, so entertaining. Ms. Austen would love it! High stars. ~Gail SECRETS WE KEEP

Duncan Watt wrote 129 days ago

Hi Emma ...
Apart from a good proof read, I cannot find much wrong with your writing. it is decidedly good fun and written 'tongue in cheek'. As you near the desk, you need to be fully prepared and your book needs to be perfect.

In one part, when Elizabeth is staying in Helen's room, Anne walks in and changes to Helen in the next paragraph. Still deserves a place on the shelf. Backed and rated. Regards ... Duncan.

Goddess Pan wrote 136 days ago

I have but one criterion when I read a book. Do I fall in love with it? And with Pemberley Polluted, I am head over heels! It is a perfect blend of humour, teasing sauciness and scholarship in the school of Miss Austen. I too am a fervent fan. My dear, your splendid book is the first one to be placed on my 'shelf' and I do not hesitate to award it 6 stars, for it is a rare shining thing in these mundane times. Yours, Goddess Pan

revteapot wrote 144 days ago

What a piece of wonderful nonsense!
You clearly had tremendous fun writing this - so much so that I'm not sure criticism is useful. Still, here's my ha'penny worth. My apologies for not noteing the chapters :

You assume alot of knowledge. I'm not sure it's accessible to anyone who's not read the original.
'cheese eating surrender monkeys - anachronism. The French hadn't surrendered Napoleonic wars yet. There are plenty of contemporary insults.
barbarians of the revolution.’ - stray apostrophe 
‘That German shouldn’t even be on the thrown of England.’ - Throne
Another anachronism - 'industrial revolution', not a term that would have been around, it's a description from hindsight. Suggest you refer instead to the mills.
I love the Jane Eyre reference - especially in a P&P skit!
"He hadn’t been so mean in his dealings with Wickham and" - Do you mean "Had he not been so mean..."

An outragious romp, thank you!

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

FrancesK wrote 144 days ago

Hi Emma, been thinking about your title and my brain got to work with some alternatives... A DARK WIND AT PEMBERLEY [do we actually get to Pemberley?], AROUSALS AND ESPOUSALS, or SOME CHEEK AT ROSINGS.. So, your book is definitely up/down there in my subconscious!. Happy New year, Fan K

FrancesK wrote 146 days ago

A gastric,romantic, gastronomical-anatomical romp with more laughs per page than Monty Python and the Holy Grail. When Stella Gibbons was writing COLD COMFORT FARM she used to amuse her friends in Soho cafes with extracts - these teasing snippets could well be the 21st century equivalent - and maybe Jane herself had a salacious salon where she and her intimates could unloose their stays, unleash their inner hoydens and have a right old belly laugh... this story arouses simliar thoughts [and more besides].... have you considered marking your extra-fine passages of writing with a few stars, as Stella did in the above novel? I must perforce stop now and nibble a ratafia. I tremble for poor Ann, my globes heave along with Elizabeth's, and I ercuctate empathically with everyone in this epic.

HarrietG wrote 148 days ago

A report of a most alarming nature reached me two days ago... I am all astonishment. If adventures will not befall a young lady in her own village, she must seek them abroad. This is an evening of wonders, indeed!

Oh! write, write. Finish it at once. Let there be an end of this suspense. Fix, commit, condemn yourself. Indulge your imagination in every possible flight.

Rose C wrote 148 days ago

A surprise - and great fun! I love satire, and this was truly inventive. I laughed out loud when the drunken Elizabeth tried to help a wounded Darcy. And the arrival of King Arthur, and subsequent clash between Dark Ages and eighteenth century mindsets was marvellous. Keep it up!

Backed and starred,

Rosemary
The Girl who was Canada

Connie King wrote 148 days ago

A delicious entertainment of highly-intense, sophisticated comedy, as sharp-witted as they come. You have captured the feel of Jane Austen's world - before turning it on its head! Rip-roaringly funny, surreal and infused with excellent and amusing one liners throughout the sixteen chapters. I didn't want it to end. it left me feeling hungry wanting lashings of second helpings. All in all I found your writing and story telling quite exceptional.
Connie King
Christmas in Prince Albert Street..

writingbear wrote 154 days ago

Will you please check out my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for your possible backing. Your help will be appreciated. Thank you!

Dwain-Thomas

Bill Scott wrote 159 days ago

Best short pitch ever.

A very enjoyable read. A couple of my favorite lines —

A wet nose burrowing enthusiastically into her crouch - bravo, :)

Cheese eating surrender monkeys - :)

Two typos, I think - chpt 1Aunt Elizabeth w was shocked (w)
chpt 2 -You cousin? (your?)

Great voice.
Keep writing,

Bill
HAKYAW HEART

Mr. Nom de Plume wrote 161 days ago

Great cover treatment. I like the storyline. Gave it stars. Good luck with it. Backed

Diane60 wrote 163 days ago

Emma,
this reminds me very much of bored of the rings! Great sense of spoofing the genre!
very enjoyable and nicely held together.
:)
diane

Diane60 wrote 163 days ago

Emma,
this reminds me very much of bored of the rings! Great sense of spoofing the genre!
very enjoyable and nicely held together.
:)
diane

Warrick Mayes wrote 165 days ago

Emma,

To say this is delightful is an understatement. This is delightful (duly understated!).
I love the way you are having fun with this, the collie's nose in her crotch and the way that her nipples hardened until they hurt. Such wonderful imagery.

Unfortunately I had to stop reading. Firstly time does not permit, but also I found a few errors that I wanted to impart.

"..standing behind his aunt Elizabeth w was shocked to see..." I'm not sure what the "w" adds. Please enlighten me if this is not an error.

"She could feel strange feeling stirring inside her" I would say either "a strange feeling", or "strange feelings".

"..he whispered before tilting he chin..." should be "his" chin!

"..and left me touch you in the most familiar way.." I think "let" instead of "left" Difficult one to spot as spill-chucker would not have found it.

"..the cold reality of what she had just happened started to sink in." I think you need to remove the word "she".

Finally, thanks and thanks again. I enjoyed the little I read.

Best regards
Warrick

Tom Bye wrote 180 days ago

Hello Emma--

book- Pemberley Plolluted-

Cover drew me in to read, dashing red-head, and pitch that oozes with romance for those
who like to trip the light fantastic-and they are many- look at the success of 'Downton Manor'

Dialogue driven and plenty of it there is from page to page, which keeps them turning at a rapid rate.
constructed with care and a lot of attention paid to detail,

The book is indeed so full of humour that it had me chuckling to myself almost on a continuous basis.
Set in regency England, it captures the time a place ever so brilliantly. The cast of characters buzz around
in a joyful manner; in fact i have no hesitation in saying that this is a uplifting and joyful romp; ever so warm and delectable;

i rate it highly and give it my six stars with pleasure- Emma-

Tom Bye.
book- from hugs to kisses'
Please oblige and read some of mine, and like your comment on chapter 27- to the manor born-and 36-frills and frolics- thanks


Ariom Dahl wrote 183 days ago

This was a delight to read. Wickedly funny.

Maevesleibhin wrote 183 days ago

Emma,
I have finished reading what you have posted and here are my comments.
This is a very, very funny book and, I think, a great success. Your mockery of these famous characters is very satisfyingly irreverent, and I spent a lot of time chucking.
Elizabeth is both endearing and pathetic in her well meaning simplicity. I want good things to happen to her, and I felt genuinely sorry every time something bad happened. You did a great job of portraying the Colonel as such an ass that it was a delight every time he got in trouble or in a tight spot. Helen is really a fantastic character who almost steals the show, and Lady Catherine is just the perfect stereotype. 
I like the fact that you build slowly into the absurdity. I did not realize it would be so funny by the end of chapter two, and I thought it would be a rather tame parody. 
I absolutely loved your use of animals, particularly the lobsters, but also the parrot and the dogs.
Now, I do think you go slightly over the top at one point, and that is when King Arthur defecates off the roof. I am reluctant to say so, because determining what is too much has everything to do with the balance of the book as a whole, and I don't have the whole thing. But there is a scatological line between Anne's bedpan (oh, the horror), and the yellow rain on the French doors. I fear that when you cross that line you move down a step. 
Generally the whole section with Arthur is a bit less subtle. Although there is something quite fun about the juxtaposition of the regency and the medieval court, I fear that this can go too far and drag the tone irreversibly down. 
On the same line, I found myself turned off by the last of the compromising positions Elizabeth gets caught in. I was really happy that the Colonel was getting his, but when Darcy comes in the second time that evening, after just having forgiven Elizabeth, and finds her again in a compromised position, I think it is a bit of an affront to my sensibilities- I would  rather have seen just the Colonel get in trouble that time.  
Again, these things may work well in the mix of the entire book and I am certainly not suggesting removing Arthur completely. But as the section you post progresses from very subtle to over-the-top, it gives me the (perhaps erroneous) impression that it will degrade further. This would be a shame because a lot of your humor is quite subtle.

Here are my chapter-by-chapter, along with typos I noted. 
5
"How you conducted yourself in the brothels of the continent are your private affair." Should be "is your affair"

Your scatological jokes at Anne's expense are great. 
Singing "What shall we do with a drunken sailor" hysterical. 
Helen, musical and gay to boot!
"but it seemed no soon that she had than she was awoken by a deathly scream in the night.". No soon that she had- strange expression. Maybe "no sooner"?

6
"I’m alright!’ panted Darcy who had by now had hold of the gun". Got hold?

"The only way forward would be taste the contents."  To taste

"and by now being blind drink Elizabeth"   Blind drunk.

Very funny rendezvous. 

7
"She gradually became conscious of the face that Helen was cuddled up to her". The fact. 

"Squatted in the fireplace." !you have now gone completely over the top. But I like it. 

Cook having the vapors. Very funny. 
"I say bury the blisters. And then maybe I’ll get some peace.’ He frowned and sliced his sausage with vigour."  I imagine the colonel said this, as the next statement, but you don't say so. 
8
Christening the dog and burying the lobsters. Very good. 
"nocturnal visit before ere long". Ere long or before long, not both. 
" I demand an exhumation!’." Oh, you are funny. 
The dance is a wee odd. 
9
"Yay! K-ching!". So funny. 
"That’ll teach Bingley’s jumped up northern trash used to be in trade sisters, won’t it!" huh?
"summers afternoon air". Summer's
Ooh, he's mean. 
10. 
Oh, so sad..
11
"The one that says Maybelline on the lid?’" Silly. Almost beneath you. Almost. 

"Yes, don’t worry. It’s only the coffee. It doesn’t agree with me.’. You are doing this twice? 
"breathed huskily just Elizabeth" ?
Terrified bottom- great adjective to go with that noun
"Tried to ran" should be run. 
You may have just gone too far with the end for me in your Chauser-esqueness. Although I was happy to see the colonel getting his, I felt that getting Elizabeth in trouble again so soon was going a bit too far. 
12. 
"Next his tongue then went on noisy patrol of".  Next- then redundant

"placing her knife and fort together." Should be fork
"we don’t get many boarder skirmishes in Kent." :)

Hm, I think you may have gone off the deep end with the scatological humour. 
"Their damn stupid hats weaken you with laughter and that’s when they go in for the kill." :)

13 
Shouldn't Catherine refer to the king as My Lord or Your majesty each time she speaks to him?
Darcy is quite heroic 
14
Excalibur!

I love the randomness of the mockery of the Danes.
All in all, this is great fun. I will back it the next time I have space on my shelf.
Best of luck with it.
Maeve

N1kk1 wrote 184 days ago

This was fun. Pure and simple fun. I notice that it is yet incomplete and I do so look forward to reading the completed work.

Ta,
Nikita

Maevesleibhin wrote 184 days ago


Emma,
I have read the first four chapters. This is a great, hysterically funny read, and am deeply amused.  It is subtle and irreverent at the same time. 
I love your use of animals for humor. It takes some pressure off your other characters, who you paint well (all rather absurd caricatures, but not overdone).  The colonel is such an ass, Lady Catherine is so stereotypical, Ann is so pathetic, and Helen is so subversive.
I have found a couple of typos, which I am pointing out below.

"Standing behind his aunt Elizabeth w was shocked to see Darcy looking as serious and intense as ever."   Extra w

"Why did he have to be here? She moaned inwardly. "
Did you mean She instead of he?
Very funny scene with the dog. 

2
"she could feel strange feeling" missing "a" or else should be "feelings"

"before tilting he chin" should be his
3
"We dine early at Rosings,’ announced Lady Catherine. "It doesn’t agree with me at my age, especially if we’re eating beef."
... To eat late?
The parrot that belonged to Robespierre is very funny.

"At first I flirted with the policies of the left- wing bourgeoisie but then my views hardened as I found myself without property or the same access to work or the same rights as men I became an anarcho-syndicalist." this cracked me up.
I love this. An extra-stencilist. Laughed out loud. 
4
"Elizabeth would have doubted that she the same person who had," missing "was"
Oh, my goodness, the colonel is such an ass!
"The why...’ Lady Catherine curled" but why?  Then why?
"Remember last time when you ended up changing Anne’s chamber pot yourself because her maid ran out screaming?" You are funny.
The lobsters are fantastic.
Ah, fun with Shakespeare!
"she simply didn't have the upper body strength." so funny.


I also love your cover picture (although it is not really a cover, sd it does not have the title.)

I look forward to reading more. I think this will do well.
Best luck with it.
Maeve
(Mrs. Maginnes is Dead)

Maevesleibhin wrote 184 days ago


Emma,
I have read the first four chapters. This is a great, hysterically funny read, and am deeply amused.  It is subtle and irreverent at the same time. 
I love your use of animals for humor. It takes some pressure off your other characters, who you paint well (all rather absurd caricatures, but not overdone).  The colonel is such an ass, Lady Catherine is so stereotypical, Ann is so pathetic, and Helen is so subversive.
I have found a couple of typos, which I am pointing out below.

"Standing behind his aunt Elizabeth w was shocked to see Darcy looking as serious and intense as ever."   Extra w

"Why did he have to be here? She moaned inwardly. "
Did you mean She instead of he?
Very funny scene with the dog. 

2
"she could feel strange feeling" missing "a" or else should be "feelings"

"before tilting he chin" should be his
3
"We dine early at Rosings,’ announced Lady Catherine. "It doesn’t agree with me at my age, especially if we’re eating beef."
... To eat late?
The parrot that belonged to Robespierre is very funny.

"At first I flirted with the policies of the left- wing bourgeoisie but then my views hardened as I found myself without property or the same access to work or the same rights as men I became an anarcho-syndicalist." this cracked me up.
I love this. An extra-stencilist. Laughed out loud. 
4
"Elizabeth would have doubted that she the same person who had," missing "was"
Oh, my goodness, the colonel is such an ass!
"The why...’ Lady Catherine curled" but why?  Then why?
"Remember last time when you ended up changing Anne’s chamber pot yourself because her maid ran out screaming?" You are funny.
The lobsters are fantastic.
Ah, fun with Shakespeare!
"she simply didn't have the upper body strength." so funny.


I also love your cover picture (although it is not really a cover, sd it does not have the title.)

I look forward to reading more. I think this will do well.
Best luck with it.
Maeve
(Mrs. Maginnes is Dead)

Sheilab wrote 184 days ago

Hi Emma
I saw this on someone else's shelf and added it to my list. I'm glad I did. It's clever and funny. I read the first two chapters then skipped across to Ch10 just to see where this was heading. I enjoyed the read and will be back for more. In the meantime, on my shelf.
Sheila

HarrietG wrote 185 days ago

An interesting illustration by a true gentleman that, in matters of swordplay, size is less important that what you do with it.

AlexanderH wrote 186 days ago

A fun read, but thought that the dialogue didn't quite work, to many contemporary constructions, 'cheese eating surrender monkeys' a quick cheap laugh that does nothing for the concept. A good idea, but it doesn't quite work. Try reading it aloud, the disjointed moments become obvious.

Wussyboy wrote 188 days ago

"That was my mother's desk!' wailed Lady Catherine. Well, she should have insured it (and everything else) against the possibility of mythical Excalibur wielding relatives. The chaos continues in chap 14, as Darcy learns interesting new swear words and it's 'curtains' for Arthur, LOL!

whoster wrote 190 days ago

Following on from your thread extolling the virtues of Chapter 12, I had a read and was thoroughly impressed by the beautiful wordplay, illiterations, and of course a liberal injection of puerile humour. This was expertly handled, and the characters are wonderful. I love eccentric writing, and this really is top drawer. Vastly starred, and is on my watchlist for a backing when a space becomes available. Well done.

Cyrus Hood wrote 191 days ago

Mmm! - Pride & Prejudice meets the Royall family and go to have tea at Heathcliffe's - interesting stuff and the characters are building nicely. I liked to be puzzled and I certainly find your book perplexing. Not quite sure what to make of it yet but I will certainly keep reading as it shows a deal of promise. Good luck

Cyrus

ShadowOfOsiris wrote 191 days ago

Hi Emma

I only read the first chapter before I decided there wasn't much point in continuing as it's really not something I would normally read. Only two things stood out in the chapter:

'handpainted'

'Changed(,) Sir?'

Otherwise, it was well written. I'm sure it will be a funny read, but as I said, there's just not much point in me going on. I'm not sure what you intend to do with this though. I doubt you could publish it without going through lots of legal stuff to get permission, etc. Though I'm sure it's possible. Anyway, it's well written; good luck with it :)

NyaRawlyns wrote 192 days ago

Alrighty, this is me with an unseemly HUGE grin. Well done, m'dear, well done.

Nya Rawlyns
The Shadow of This World

Wussyboy wrote 192 days ago

"There is nothing like a Dane" - genius! Vassals doesn't scan though. How about 'slaves'? I'm still seeing Brian Blessed as Arfur, and his bloodied dagger is no 'trifling' matter, is it, lol. Keep it up!

grantdavid wrote 192 days ago

Emma, it is a truth not universally acknowledged that a single parodist possessed by a good Austen must be in want of a life!
Sorry to sound rude, but what worries me about this accomplished piece of roguery is that it may easily fall between two stools: 1, the genre (you don't provide one) of the probably Young Adults who would lap up this humour and have perhaps seen the films but not yet got as far as the novels; and 2: those who love, appreciate or revere their Jane, and would feel personally offended that she was being insulted by many of the incidents, stylistic parody and "spoof" dialogues, especially as in Chapter 12.
Commentators here, including myself, may relish a naughty caper, but I'm wondering what HC editors would have to say about their public readership. Who exactly is being aimed at, and how many, considering their US market besides their UK readers?
Is there any way you could modify your ms. so as to appeal to the "average" reader and achieve your object?
I've WL Pemberley and awarded 5 stars, allowing for edits to be done.
Best of luck for a brave and original piece of Eng.Lit!
David Grant

Terry Murphy wrote 192 days ago

Hi Belle,

I read chapter 12 as requested....

What can I say? This is complete bonkers! A mash up between a 'Little Britain' sketch and 'Monty Python's Holy Grail'. It is very funny and in many ways: one liners, observational humour, situational humour and slapstick. If Carlsberg did period sit-coms ...

For the most part, the writing is of a high standard with lots of clever phrasing, although I did notice some repetition (e.g. alacrity and pursing).

There are more than a few things to put right in terms of technical stuff (and it's a shame because some of it gets in the way of the fine writing) but I know you are well aware of this, so I won't dwell upon such frivolous matters!

A small point, but I think you need a small timing gap between Catherine opening the letter - from Arthur - and disclosing its contents to the others. Otherwise, the reader is wondering how she read it so fast!

The other thing I would note is a tendency for what I think are contemporary words to appear in the dialogue - this may be deliberate, but I found some of the juxtaposition jarring. Though at the same time, it did create comic effect.

As for whether this is publishable, it's a tough call: for a start it blazes a trail through a host of genres which publishers don't like, esp if it is deemed as 'fanfic'. But it is also certainly different, which they do like. It needs polishing, but that's why they have in-house editors. What I can say, undeniably, is huge comic writing talent is clearly on display here.

Overall, most entertaining - bravo!

Best wishes,

Terry

Jack Hughes wrote 192 days ago

Now this is a verson of Pride and Prejudice I can get into! Has a touch of Flashman about it which is always a good start. This is what literature should be about; not being afraid to have a little fun and not taking itself too seriously which, in many ways, I think is what Jane would have wanted. Her stories are, after all, satire on the establishment and class mannerisms and this is definitely in keeping with them. A triumph.

Best of luck, Emma.

Jack

strachan gordon wrote 192 days ago

Honestly Emma , I am on your side ,please excuse my reservations , but your writing represents honesty about female sexuality , not that I have any problems about that at all. It really tackles some taboos , what women want- didn't Freud spend most of his life trying to answer that question -as a mere male I am supposed not to know anything about that - unfortunately there are some of those Brethren who are exceedingly observant , for a heterosexual woman it is - in my judgement - as big an instrument as possible, combined with serious staying power - overlaid by sweetness and consideration, sorry Belle , ignore me if you wish , that is fine, R.

strachan gordon wrote 192 days ago

Honestly Emma , I am on your side ,please excuse my reservations , but your writing represents honesty about female sexuality , not that I have any problems about that at all. It really tackles some taboos , what women want- didn't Freud spend most of his life trying to answer that question -as a mere male I am supposed not to know anything about that - unfortunately there are some of those Brethren who are exceedingly observant , for a heterosexual woman it is - in my judgement - as big an instrument as possible, combined with serious staying power - overlaid by sweetness and consideration, sorry Belle , ignore me if you wish , that is fine, R.

Wanttobeawriter wrote 192 days ago

PEMBERLEY POLLUTED
I didn’t know a writer could “borrow” characters from another book so reading this was a learning experience for me. I’ve never been a big Jane Austen fan but I do like her characters – so I liked this. You write descriptions of characters well: enough detail a reader can tell immediately what things look like, not so much you bog down your story. Good luck with this. Wannabeawriter. Who Killed the President?

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 192 days ago

Dear Belle

I feel impelled to write, to inform you that within the pages of this Regency romp you have the makings of a most marvellous tale. As one aspiring author to another I can only commend it by saying that i wish i had thought of it first. Marvellous fun!

Though I feel that your opening would benefit from a few gentle strokes of background colouring;

For example

- are we to know whether this book follows from its august predecessor?

- you mention that Elizabeth holds Darcy responsible for Jane's unhappiness, but surely, my dear, how that came about might form part of the earlier story, otherwise you might be better to find another reason altogether for her unreasonable resentment of Mr Darcy, which would not be difficult. He is clearly a bounder, a cad, if he would think to tempt a maiden in the rose garden without the slightest thought for her reputation.

These are small matters. I heartily commend your story for its freshness, its direct and irreverent humour and for a salaciousness that is delicious and delightful.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

HarrietG wrote 193 days ago

Madam,

I am quite shocked at your depiction of the noblest king ever to reign over this blessed isle. You suggest that, after making inappropriate and unwelcome advances towards a freeborn lady, he would draw cold steel upon an unarmed man. I feel I must redress the balance forthwith and hence refer you, and all your readers (who are, no doubt as aghast as I at such a calumny), to such works as 'The Oxford Book of Ballads' where a truer picture of His Majesty's words and deeds may be found.

Yours faithfully,
Outraged of Camelot

mstj wrote 193 days ago

This is very, very naughty!! I'm shocked ... C11 was laugh out loud funny. I have starred this and will shelve it when I have some space ... in the mean time try and behave yourself ..

:p

Mick xx

Ah .. I see you have added another chapter - dare I?

earthlover wrote 193 days ago

This is a funny read.

Enjoyed meeting pukey poo and Bran, Elizabeth and especially Helen. Helen is my favorite character so far. (OK maybe Marx the parrot is my favorite, but they're practically the same character!)
One glaring mistake:

"Anne walked in, her demure demeanor changed once she was in the privacy of her own room."
Don't you mean Helen?
Lines I am fond of:
"Elizabeth and the parrot coughed."

"excrement happens,"
Thanks for an entertaining read.
Good luck! Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Jamiesword wrote 193 days ago

This is really well written. There is so much comedy in this I found my self laughing out loud quite often. I just love Pukey Poo. Very very entertaining . Thanks!!

Jamie
"Prisoner Within"

Jim Darcy wrote 193 days ago

Jane Austen like wot she should have writted. :)

I have a soft spot for parodies.

Wussyboy wrote 193 days ago

I feel like I've just entered the Twilight Zone. Excalibur meets Downton Abbey in this mad, bad, rude and lewd chapter 12. It shouldn't work, it really shouldn't, but it does. If this ever makes it to the screen (god help us), you've got to have Brian Blessed as King Arthur. I can just see him waving his cake kebab in the air and demanding bear baiting in sleepy Kent. Oh, and digging a "ring around the Rosings".

Terry Gilliam, eat your liver.

lapwing wrote 195 days ago

Emma, you have outdone yourself in this chapter. It was pretty mad in the previous chapters, but chapter 12 has taken on shades of Alice in Wonderland, where normality is nowhere to be seen!
I particularly liked "Bears are hard to come by in Kent these days" and " a sizable portion of her livestock, who less than an hour before, had been quietly minding their own business and peacefully grazing in nearby fields, were now roasting in spits!
Keep up the good work! !

Su Dan wrote 199 days ago

a truly enjoyable book, brilliant style, funny and a pure delight...
on my watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

olga wrote 200 days ago

Hi

Just finished chapter 11. Very funny.

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