Onset

FANS OF DEAN KOONTZ AND ‘X-MEN’ WOULD LOVE ‘ONSET’. IT MANAGES TO MERGE THE TWO GENRES EFFORTLESSLY AND DELIVER A FAST-PACED SCI-FI THRILLER!
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Enos,

I’ve read the first four chapters. And here’s my critique. I’ve tried to present my views as objectively as possible.

(Parameters are ranked on a scale of 1 through 6)

Plot development – 5
Character development – 7 (I wish!)
Use of language – 6 (a few typos here and there, but no big deal)

Moments:

- The opening sequence at the parking lot
- Chloe meeting Michael for the first time (awesome!)

Suggestions:

One. You have introduced Col. Doyle’s character too early. From the long pitch and the opening scene, readers already have a fairly good idea of an impending conspiracy. You’d rather let the tension and suspense build for some time before revealing the main antagonist and his plans. You may also want to tone down Adrianne’s disappearing act and make it more plausible.

Two. Helen gave the news of Dave’s murder to the others. This seemed odd. The Police cars, sirens, flashing lights, interrogations and rumours – if a murder happens on the premises, people would get to know as it is. The entire conversation that followed seemed over-explanatory and gave away too much of the plot.

Closing remarks:

BACKED (with pleasure!)
‘Onset’ will stay comfortably on my bookshelf for some time before returning to my WL to wait for your action.

Regards,
AGC

Is this your first book? It is excellent! It read fluidly. Your conversation was perfect! I love the trash talk in the beginning. You will undoubtedly be picked up sooner or later! Your book is easy to read and I was at the end of the chapter before I realized it. Giving you 6 stars, and a spot on my watchlist.

Great job!

Sincerely,

D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Dear Enos

Your writing, your style are so appealing, that I cannot resist it. You know what you are talking about, and I think I can trust your mathematical brain to have worked out all the angles....you have, indeed, which is wonderful. I can settle in for a good, long read. What a relief it is to find reliable, easy and accurate writing. Very well done! I have read up to chapter three and I am probably going to read some more, but had to ask - why so quiet on the site? Does no-one know you are here? I sent a friend request, to start making waves.

All the best,

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

You've got a great book here! I found my self reading more then I had originally intended, this is a very engaging story and it had my attention from the start. I like it when a writer creates memorable characters and with Chloe you have done just that. The book is paced well and was very easy and enjoyable to read. I've given you 6 stars, great job EL!

Sincerely Roy Earle, "Bad Men and Bad Odds"

Great pace full of action and intrigue. Five Stars

Shain

Very smooth prologue and 1st chapter that convey clearly that there is a lot going on behind the scenes. The MC is also well developed in the fast moving prologue for when we meet her later. This means her actions and thoughts are supported by a sound well-constructed back story. I have read up top Chapter 5 and the pace and intrigue has been building nicely - if I were reading it in print I would continue to the end (not fond of computer screen reading). The MS is very clean and the points below are minor or just suggestions to be left or taken as you see fit. I have found it a very enjoyable book so far, all the best with it.

Chap 1
- … with (a) ninety degree turn to the right || ..with ninety degree turn to the right
- stonewall >> stone wall
- Couldn’t believe he laughed at her predicament || … he was laughing at… || .. he had laughed at …
- .. have dealt with successfully without having to … || …have successfully dealt with, without having to…
Chap 2
- …could freak me out , ( but) she’s got |
- … doctor’s orders. Lunch today. Just some …||… doctor’s orders. Lunch today is just some …||
Chap 4
- Special investigator to work with us as well (as) put guards….

Andrew

A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.

Ch 4 This could be an excellent chapter if it werte pared down. There is extraneous information that slows down the action and the suspense, and intrigue. We, as readers, get 'it'. Repeating certain elements about the patient records does not make us get it any better.

Ch 3 The concepts and development of tje story line is enigmatic. However, I have to say I think the dialogue still needs work. It doesn't sound true and real. Just my opinion.....

Ch 2 Rather stilted, Chloe dodesn't seerm empathetic and the conversation is unusal. Definitely, no 'getting to kmow you' conversation' which doesn't lend itself to having a patient gain any trust in the 'caregiver'. SO I would say although the chapter is well-written it seems to have some issues.

CH 1 INteresting first chapter that sucks the reader in immediately. A little disjointed, going from the accident to the woman already in the wheelchair but I imagine that back story will come later. Also the mystery theme begins early and helps move the story forward. Enjoyable read.

Onset.
By E.L. Russell.


I do like your choice of book cover, it conveys a lot to the would-be-reader.
The small pitch is nicely done, but I think the long pitch could be better..the book is worthy of it, I know that much.
Very well written, and with very few mistakes, fast moving, with many twists and turns along the way.
Good start to the book with the prologue, Chloe and Kelly battling it out in the cycle race before the accident.
Good description and dialogue keep the reader involved in this mystery thriller..Well done.
On my W/L to read more.
Star rated for now.

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets Of The Forest – The Time Zone.

I like the pace and the efficient use of language and plot development. I agree that you should develop the tension and suspense. Good story and I'll continue to review and read on.

I have only read the first chapter so this is a very brief review. I found it odd that you don't mention Chloe's name in your pitch so there is a lot of use of the word she.

I enjoyed the story and your writing style is excellent. It flowed nicely and was very easy to read. The part where Dr Kregg falls into Chloe's wheelchair was hilarious. You built up the tension just before Chloe's accident very well but could I suggest that you tell the reader what happened to her in chapter 1. What was she hit by and what physical injuries led her to being in the wheelchair? It goes from having the accident to her being well adjusted to life as a disabled person. I would love to know how she came to that place; the emotions and physical agony she must have gone through from being a fit and healthy sports person to being disabled. Maybe you explain this in later chapters so my apologies for doing this review before I have had chance to read more. I promise I will come back to Onset and read on. Six stars awarded.

Kim (Pain)

This reads very well, and the story flows at a comfortable pace.
One thing I did notice was how many sentences began with Chloe's name. It can become very obvious on a page, and it's an easy fix with a bit of re-ordering of the sentence.
It's just a thought - feel free to ignore!

I'll find space on my shelf for this soon to get you some more reads.

Diana
Pascual's Birthday

Hi EL

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Thank you JJ. I've bookmarked the pitch link and will be there shortly. I've incorporated your feedback and ideas from our critique circles - they have contributed so much to what you're reading here. Thanks for the reviews - all of them!
Enos

For your pitch (and I'm going to be using it too for mine) http://www.pitch-university.com/ will help you sort it out to make it more concise and powerful.

I think that Onset is a great title. It has grown on me since I first heard it.

Great quote to start off with. That sets up a lot.

"She smiled to her self and thought, Kelly's going have...." Did you drop a "to"? Unless you meant to say gonna. ha.

Is it biker? I thought they called themselves cyclist. I don't do either, so I am only going off what I've heard.

"Her mind focused on the race now and Kelly would take the back seat in this one." -- I think she needs to have a stronger view on winning. Like "Kelly would be eating her dust today."

"She commanded her lest get there in 3 and tensed them like a..." Fantastic description.

I think the prologue, for the most part, is well written. Good description. Nice pace of telling the story. Good set up of relationships and personalities.

"...her now and pushed on hard." Or you could just say "..pushed harder."

"...without sliding and without much loss of speed." MAYBE -- "...without sliding and without losing much speed."

My suggestion for toward the end of the prologue is that you shorten the sentences to add tension to the scene. Such as... "The roar of an engine screamed. She felt heat. Something shoved her to the right. A tremendous pressure slammed her from behind. She fell, tumbling...

Blackness."

Something like that.

"A sound of squealing tires fighting the continuous left-hand turn up the long spiral..." great description. I can hear it.

Great description of the exchange and the limo pulling off.

"...Dave didn't hear the slow, silent approach of a truck..." Slow is repeated from before. If you dropped the word, silent would work just fine alone to describe how it's creeping up.

Hahah, I like the directions to rice. "...you're in the zoo." haha.

Very good writing describing the scene and providing the right amount of anxiety for Chloe and her problem. Good tension through out this first bit.

"I Can't breath." Lowercase "c"

"'Um..trying. Chloe saw the concerned face of a middle..." You need a close quote after trying.

It is much better than I remember hearing it for the first time a while ago. Well done. I'll have to read more when I have the chance.

Brian - good point. I've thought about it. I've tried to make her a good detective so I re-wrote some previous passages were Chloe is given permission and urged to read all of Helen's patient folders - However, she is not to permitted take any out of their offices. She is patient X and does not know that. In the plot, Helen want Chloe to find it on the hope she transfers the understanding and empathy she may have to her own denial..

This is written is a professional manner. The plot is captivating. Chole is a great character because
she's likable, vulnerable and mentally strong. And I can see the mystery and danger adding tension to the story.

My only concern is when Chole seized the patient medical files from Dr. Deal's desk. Is that allowable under HIPAA laws? Medical workers can't simply view patient records because they work in the same hospital. They have to get permission. Of course, Chole might not realize this.

I enjoyed this and I'm happy to back it. It certainly deserves to be published.

Brian Bandell
Mute

ONSET
The beginning of this story reads as if you’ve already published it so I don’t know if you’re interested in any further comments, but I read the first three chapters of this so I’ll make one anyway. You have a great writing style; it’s clear and very easy to read. I like the way you divide chapters into short segments. It invited me to try just one more short segment – and found myself reading on and on. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

This reads very well and quickly engages the reader's interest so that we care for the characters. Plenty here to entertain.

This is written is a professional manner. The plot is captivating. Chole is a great character because she's likable, vulnerable and mentally strong. And I can see the mystery and danger adding tension to the story.

My only concern is when Chole seized the patient medical files from Dr. Deal's desk. Is that allowable under HIPAA laws? Medical workers can't simply view patient records because they work in the same hospital. They have to get permission. Of course, Chole might not realize this.

I enjoyed this and I'm happy to back it. It certainly deserves to be published.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Is this your first book? It is excellent! It read fluidly. Your conversation was perfect! I love the trash talk in the beginning. You will undoubtedly be picked up sooner or later! Your book is easy to read and I was at the end of the chapter before I realized it. Giving you 6 stars, and a spot on my watchlist.

Great job!

Sincerely,

D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

What a delightful read, effortless and fast paced.

If I may suggest a change, perhaps if you would consider changing.... In Chloe's mind it was nothing but a 10k sprint. Close to eighty racers had signed up, but in her mind it was a two-woman race.....

Maybe.............. but to her, it was a two woman race.

It needs something to avoid the repetition.

The only other thing I can think of is a question of style. If you are using italics, there is no need to say "she thought."
Ouch, loud and clear. (Italics) "Thank you." She nodded and exited the office.

Great read and a deserved backing.

Hi, E L Russell
Yes 'ONSET' is smashing mystery thriller and I loved it!
It was professionally written and ready for the bookshelves in every book store.
I gave it six stars, It deserved more.
Well done my friend!
Rob Slimm
Slickswitch

dialogue and narrative work well and is sufficiant for your book... and l shall back...
read SEASONS...

FANS OF DEAN KOONTZ AND ‘X-MEN’ WOULD LOVE ‘ONSET’. IT MANAGES TO MERGE THE TWO GENRES EFFORTLESSLY AND DELIVER A FAST-PACED SCI-FI THRILLER!
_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Enos,

I’ve read the first four chapters. And here’s my critique. I’ve tried to present my views as objectively as possible.

(Parameters are ranked on a scale of 1 through 6)

Plot development – 5
Character development – 7 (I wish!)
Use of language – 6 (a few typos here and there, but no big deal)

Moments:

- The opening sequence at the parking lot
- Chloe meeting Michael for the first time (awesome!)

Suggestions:

One. You have introduced Col. Doyle’s character too early. From the long pitch and the opening scene, readers already have a fairly good idea of an impending conspiracy. You’d rather let the tension and suspense build for some time before revealing the main antagonist and his plans. You may also want to tone down Adrianne’s disappearing act and make it more plausible.

Two. Helen gave the news of Dave’s murder to the others. This seemed odd. The Police cars, sirens, flashing lights, interrogations and rumours – if a murder happens on the premises, people would get to know as it is. The entire conversation that followed seemed over-explanatory and gave away too much of the plot.

Closing remarks:

BACKED (with pleasure!)
‘Onset’ will stay comfortably on my bookshelf for some time before returning to my WL to wait for your action.

Regards,
AGC

Fran, thank you for those kind words and thank you for reading the beginning of my story. I am not sure about the level of ‘noise’ – it might be that I’m new. I guess I’d prefer having a few readers who care for my actors and enjoy their adventures.
I’m looking forward to reading Trapped.
Enos

Dear Enos

Your writing, your style are so appealing, that I cannot resist it. You know what you are talking about, and I think I can trust your mathematical brain to have worked out all the angles....you have, indeed, which is wonderful. I can settle in for a good, long read. What a relief it is to find reliable, easy and accurate writing. Very well done! I have read up to chapter three and I am probably going to read some more, but had to ask - why so quiet on the site? Does no-one know you are here? I sent a friend request, to start making waves.

All the best,

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

Hi Enos, taken a look at chapter 1. I generally look to see if a book flows and then if it will hold my attention, and Onset did both. There are some minor errors in the text, missing words, but not much in the way of any other type of error.Seems like a read that if I picked up I would continue reading.
Hope that helps.