Who Killed The President?

{Who Killed The President?} – Jo Lynn
This is a terrific idea, and very well executed. Your writing is polished and I particularly like the active style – very engaging and gripping voice. The short sentences to create tension are especially well done – for instance in the second chapter with ‘Her skirt tore on a post…’ and again in chapter four when they bump foreheads! Characters are well developed and you handle the first person nicely.

I have a small suggestion regarding some sentence structures; I think a little more punctuation in certain phrases would help to create more rhythm and make it easier to read at times. Or else, the insertion of a small word/changing the place of punctuation to make it feel more natural. I’ve typed up some examples for the first four chapters, if you’re interested just shoot me an email! (goldcara6@gmail.com)
But overall I have been enjoying this and given you high stars. Best wishes and thank you for your comment and support of ‘Awakening’!
Sincerely,
Cara

I love the back and forth swing between Da's version and the truth, and the resulting sassiness in the narrative voice. Some of the sentence structuring is confusing but your ability to construct a vivid scene is magical. Character building, as well, must be a strong suit as I feel I know Da inside and out even after these few short paragraphs. The structure/sequence of events in "By noon.." and so forth was hilarious. Well done.

Highly starred.

SW

Hi Jo Lynn-

I think this is a finely executed piece. You handle the strain of conveying so much historical fact into your story without seeming to do so--no mean feat. I think for the history buff, they'll like revel in your ability to bring this all-important event alive again.

Your main character has a clear and present "voice", which I'm sure has connected with several of the readers here. You also have demonstrated a good bit of cleverness in what seems to be at first an unreliable narrator, but is instead just an unreliable father ("Da") :)

Some observations:

Ch1:
- the sentence that begins "Taller than me..." attributes big ears and red hair to the "day" by accident
- like I mentioned above, I thoroughly enjoyed the playfulness of the narrative--showing Da's version of events versus reality
Ch2:
- "wooden turnstiles"--I'm not sure why someone contemporary to that time would observe this
- speaking directly about uniform length--that seems a bit forcefully inserted too (as historical fact)
- loved "stepping through the middle of a rainbow" analogy
- use of "hisself" threw me a bit. Is this deliberate colloquialism? If so, I didn't see anything else in her vocabulary that would be consistent with the same
- "the heat happens because" phrasing was off to me
ch3
- a quick one, and good--the lead up to the shooting by treating the little girl is very smart (if not also historically accurate, I don't know)

Collin

Hello, Jo Lynn.
Today, I finally got round to reading Who Killed The President? Seriously, I really enjoyed reading this and was captured hook, line and sinker, by the brilliant story line. Excellent - historical writing at its best. The pacing and succinct dialogue was spot on.
All in all, a hugely enjoyable, glossy, clever book. This would make a fantastic movie. I was gripped and entertained. Marvellous, Jo. 6 stars ******
I very much enjoyed reading six chapters and I'm not surprised it's doing so well. I hope you get published very soon..
Connie x
Streets Apart

You have a great talent for historical writing. I retract that--for any writing. What I like is you got into the head of your characters to bring believability into context. Your passion for the work really shines through. Frailties exposed and missteps make them more real. I sank my teeth into the first three chapters and didn't notice many grammatical or phrase errors. But I must admit I was too enthralled with the story to notice.

On another note, when you wrote me I had a copy of "11/22/63" in front of me that I received when Stephen King came to The Academy of the Sacred Heart. He spoke passionately to "the people of the book" of that tragic day and the current of hatred at the time. I wonder if that same hate was brewing during McKinley's assassination.

I will read on and get your work to my watchlist and shelf shortly. Tremendous job on the research and writing.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

I like your opening description of the cold.
"The wind had been blowing so fierce snow..." do you mean fiercely?
I love the way you double-tell the story - made me smile.
You could do with more of a hook at the end of your first chapter, though. You spun the opening well - leaving aside the length of your sentences, which has already been noted by others - but you've given little clue of the crisis that will propel the story forward. (Granted this is not my genre so I may have missed the bait.)
I wish you well with this.

Lindsay
A Priest's Tale

Being a reader on Authonomy, I was impressed when I saw that your book had managed to reach position 24 in such a short time-frame; having been first registered last October. Curious, I decided to take a look at it myself and was rather disappointed and surprised to discover that , although I found the subject matter interesting and your writing to be of a good standard, in my opinion there was nothing about it that would account for such a stellar rise in its popularity rating. Delving a little deeper ( I always like to familiarize myself with the author's profile ) and perusing your in-box, my curiosity was further roused by the amount of apologetic messages you have recently received from writers you had backed but who had not backed you in return. In reading your out-mails to them it is clear that you expect people to automatically reward you for your support, even if they have not requested it. Most enlightening was to then find that you have written ''highly starred and on my shelf'' to practically every one of the hundreds of writers you have contacted over the past seven months. Your ''strategy'' has been to place as many as 5 books on your shelf for a day, before dropping them for 4 or 5 more. This might be within the rules of the site but your dubious game-plan is pretty plain to see...flatter and rate everybody highly and wait for the gratitude to come back. Your scheme seems to have worked so far, although some of the latter day communications to you may have led to you modifying your approach and to composing some more in-depth reviews recently. I utterly deplore what you are doing. It brings Authonomy into disrepute and provides fuel for those who critcize it and claim that writers can reach the editors desk solely by spamming and brown-nosing, rather than on merit. I believe this is a wonderful place for authors to show-case their ( often remarkable ) talent and think it is a crying shame to see the fair opportunity it can offer them being potentially wrecked and nullified by a ruthlessly self-serving element, of which you certainly top the list. Fortunately, it is a long time since I have had to write a similar critique. Obviously I will not be star rating your book or considering it for my book shelf. Petra Jones

Hi there, Jo,

I'm very sorry I took so long to get back to you. I promise it was a genuine oversight and not laziness on my part.

This is a very interesting starting point for a story. The pace is very quick and you generally write in a nice clear style which helps to keep us involved. I liked the family history introduced in the first chapter and the description of the Exposition in the second. The young doctor's arrogance comes across well and works as a clever device to endear us more to the already sympathetic narrator.

This is a sophisticated and well assembled narrative that overall really impressed me but at times needs tightening up.

A couple of things which I had slight reservations about: I wasn't sure if it was intentional - in order to suggest the narrator's level of education, background etc - but there were quite a lot of sentences which I found difficult to follow due to the fact that they were overlong, poorly structured or grammatically non-standard. I personally think that dialects should not be too intrusive into the telling of the story and if this is the reason for these difficult to read passages I think it would be better to suggest the speaker's background through other means. Furthermore, my father is Irish and I've grown up knowing a lot of Irish people and these passages did not strike me as sounding much like the speech patterns I'm used to hearing. I assume that a more likely explanation is that these are simply small errors (most are detailed beneath) which can be addressed very simply and make your already well written book even more enjoyable.

The other thing is not a big deal but I simply found your title a little simplistic and childish. As I said, this is a sophisticated narrative and should have a more fitting title. It's also a little misleading as McKinley's murderer was instantly apprehended, though your blurb tells us the title refers to the suspicion surrounding other accomplices.

here are my close comments:

Chapter one

I like the immediacy of the opening but perhaps it’s a little too blunt. I’d like a more literary description of the scene / blood etc. Otherwise it sounds too pulp-thrillerish.

The wind had been blowing so fierce snow was mounded up along the street so high
-rep of so is jarring

HORSE’S bridles

been a neighborhood enemy ever SINCE
-sounds more natural

the man prayed over and boxed and put in the ground,
-I had to read this twice to understand, I wasn’t sure that THE MAN referred to the father

WHICH leaves me IN A SITUATION no different than women have found themselves in since the beginning of time

Rather an odd place to finish the first chapter – I’d probably end it with the father’s death and then introduce the narrator more in the second

Chapter 2

Kicked a brown work shoe against one of the green watering troughs that lined the Pan Exposition’s fence.
-fragmented sentence. Either include it in the previous sentence or add a subject

Irish obstinate, locks
- I’d say; Obstinate Irish locks
– also the comma definitely isn’t necessary.

As well as she never talks to doctors
-odd phrasing, is this intentional?

and shoved in even closer to READ.
Buffalo didn’t even own a SINGLE light

TURNSTILE

all she was going to get out of it WAS A Sunday dress and a scar on her leg.

I don’t say that, of course
-why change to the present tense here?

The first thing he’d announced that morning was THAT all the nurses

That’s NOT the name he calls IT

A white enamel table CROWDS the center space.

Not calm at all on THE inside
?
and DRIVES a belching-black-soot yellow Stanhope he inherited from his late father

DROVE buggies with aging horses

as a beer keg squashed by A pugman’s mule
-or is Pugman a person?

The whole scene a give-away the Pan brochure called that building a “hospital”
-not clear – split into two sentences?

Although how a secretary could guess ONE morning THAT a man was going to carry a gun into that Exposition later on that week and level it at McKinley’s massive abdomen, I don’t know.
-makes the meaning clearer.

Overall great, gripping stuff. I will star this highly and hope to find some space on my shelf soon.

Best wishes
Benedict

I was immediately drawn into the storyline, even though historical fiction is not a genre I typically read. I liked how the narrator talked as though you were a patron at her father's bar and I could almost hear the Irish accent. She is very likeable, and I became easily attached to the characters. Starred and up on my shelf.

I have a keen interest in history, not so much american but i found this a interesting read. Gave me a insite in to a part of history i normally wouldn't look at. The story it's self is good and well told. highly rated,will back when i have space

I don't normally read this genre, but this is an intriguing idea. The writing style is assured, and the protagonist's voice is appealing. I like the way she tells us her father's version of events, then what actually happened. Characterisation is strong, and there's a strong sense of the setting and time period evoked through the use of descriptive detail. Overall, this is difficult to criticise, and I can see why it has done so well. Great stuff- highly starred!
Emma

In general this is well written and reading through the first two chapters was an easy and gentle read. There are however a few typos that take the gloss off what you have written and, if these have been commented on before, but you have not had the time to amend them, I would think that doing so would be a priority for a book do close to the desk.
Although not for me I can see the appeal of this as you have a defined main character and the subject matter is presumably viewed with particular historical significance in the States although I get the impression that the episode is more important domestically than in a world history sense.
Overall well done on reaching such a high rank and from what I have read I can see why you have done so well. Not one for me but that's personal opinion rather than any kind of particular criticism.

You write well and have a talent for description. The main character comes alive and is very Irish. It is clever how we're kept waiting for the dreadful deed to be done. If there is a criticism it is the amount of digression,however charming and whimsical it is.

Sorry if I was not able to get back to you soon enough, Jo. But I have now started ''Who Shot the President'' and I like it. The dedicated effort you're putting into getting to the editors desk certainly warrants fair recognition and I have given you an early top star-rating along with a placement on my WL. Hard work reaps reward. Good luck, Richard

I wonder if you might have included some maps? There are some great ones available. Buffalo was quite the place in the early 1900's.

A charming start!

Am enjoying this easy read. I dont know much about the 1900-1910 period of US history. It helps me paint my own vision of the area so far; the train station, hospital. i like it and will read on.
Pat

All the hallmarks of assured authourship denote this as a most readable book. Confident command and control of historical context, plausible characterisation and fluid narrative fully engage the reader across the 10 Chapters posted. The character and personality of the key protagonist compels the reader's interest and empathy. The tone and pace of the story is descriptive and colourful: the prose is economic and poetic undertones resonate. All the writing and is undercut with a developing sense of drama. I envisage a commercial book here with filmic possibilities. I daresay minor textual and vocabularly errors are already mentioned among the several hundred Comments so I refrain from labouring them. I guess it will not be long before - Who Killed the President - will feature prominently on the Commissioning Editor's radar.. Thank you for the opportunity to read a book with strong commercial potential. Tony Brady. - SCENES FROM AN EXAMINED LIFE - Books 1,2 & 3.

Hi Jo,
I enjoyed reading a few chapters of your book, it is an interesting idea. I like the main character, she is interesting and her easy-going confidence gives her a voice worth listening to. I enjoyed the short prologue, it is attention-grabbing and introduces the story well. Then the story starts with a likeable chatty style that is very easy to read.

Chapter 1 - the scond paragraph has some really compelling images - the ears, the thermometer, but the subject of the sentence is confusing. It reads like it is the day that has big ears, not the parents.

Minor point- horses bridles should be horses' bridles I think.

The contrast between the fiction and reality of Da's life is nicely drawn, I thought this was a great way to give a very clear picture of the man without saying very much.

chapter 2 - I found the first two sentences (after "Winner!") rather long. I didn't think they were as snappy as some of the stuff in chapter 1.

'come all the way...' I didn't understand this sentence. Is there a word missing?

The scene with the girl getting hurt is very well realised. Again, you've created a vivid image very sparsely and I think this works really well.

Overall it's a unique premise and nicely done. Some of the grammar could be tidied up to really bring over the nice sentences you construct, without making the reader have to work hard for it. It's chatty and interesting and I think it could be brilliant with a bit of editing.

Jo, I really enjoyed reading several chapters of your book. Its a good plot in an area that is sure to capture interest with a large reader audience, especially Americans. No doubting your reserach, the novel is rich in detail, sprinkled with stuff that will enlighten the reader and encourage them to read more of the novel. I'm not sure on your use of late 19C / early 20C dialogue at times eg; 'loser' being used in its late 20C context or 'Move your bloody English ass' may not be atypical of the period. I've researched language of earlier centuries, particularly swearing, cursing, derogatory terms etc and it may be worth a search by yourself on the web. I am backing your book and giving it a high star rating. Good luck & best regards, Andrew Esposito / Killing Paradise

Hi Jo,

I love the voice of your MC - strong, forthright and full of dry humour. Giving us her no-nonsense versions of her Da's dramatically spun yarns is a very clever way of showing the reader how straightforward and honest a character Elizabeth is, and sets her up well for the fight she will face in having to clear her name. Your setting feels authentic and very well researched. I'm sure "Who Killed the President?" will reach the Editor's Desk very soon.

Highly rated with my best wishes,

Annette

A dramatic, crime-thriller start. The historical setting is vibrant and entertaining and I liked the no – nonsense tone of the narrator.

I also liked the dramatic events and further character development of chapter two and the foreshadowing of the major events o come.

In terms of nits: punctuation was a bit sparse and I wasn’t sure whether some of the more complex sentences really hung together.

Lots of luck with this.

J.S.Watts
Witchlight

BHCG review: Who Killed the President?:

Plot: Pitches are solid. Only thing I would say, the last paragraph of the long pitch I found a little confusing. Maybe a few commas in there might help. A suggestion: start with the history channel – thus: ‘The History Channel recently named the assassination day as one of the top-ten days to have unexpectedly changed America. The day brought Teddy Roosevelt into office, which led to the birth of the Green movement and the conservation of natural resources. Developments that have proved to be so important in the world today’. Or something like that.
I like the premise and I want to read on.
C1, 2 & 3 – I like the narrative flow of this. The conversational tone is easy and smooth and creates a nice reading atmosphere. There is gentleness about the writing. Sorry, can’t explain it any other way.

Pacing: Again, it moves with a steady rhythm – I found it an easy read and I was drawn in and wanted to turn the page.

Characters/Characterization: Completely immersed in the character relating the story. In the first chapter I could almost visualize her sitting and sewing, or whatever, whilst telling us about her Mam and Da. I loved the recapping of her Da’s story and then being given the truth of what really happened. I thought this well done and quite humourous.
The personality of ‘The King’ is also portrayed well and I instantly disliked him. Typical, surgeon!
The main thing, with your characterization, you have managed to encourage sympathy, compassion, which is all truly good characterization needs. Once your reader is sympathising then you have them hooked.

POV/Voice: I would say you have a strong voice in your MC. The first person POV is well executed. I’m kind of reminded of Huck Finn. Maybe it’s to do with the way the story is related to the reader.

Sentence level etc: There were a few missing words but other than that this seemed fairly well polished, imho. As I said before, I thought it flowed nicely. I didn’t stumble over anything.

Dialogue: Not much in the first three chapters but what there was seemed realistic and natural.

Originality: Hmmm … these tales have been done before. So, I would say no.

Publishability: I think so, yes. Good luck.

Overall, Jo Lynn, what I read I thought was well written and a good read.

Mick

Happy to back this great book. It comes highly recommended by my wife, Faith Rose. It's going straight on my shelf.

Beautiful descriptions I can see the events unfolding in front of me. Very good and capturing first chapter which draws you in to the story. I've only managed the first two chapters so far, and this isn't my usual choice of genre, but I'm really enjoying it and want to read more as soon as I can get the time.

Setting the scene with her father and his tall stories was an excellent idea and the mix of reality and falsehoods made me smile. Nice work!

I am very pleasantly surprised. Your first chapter does what it should for the reader, in my view. It is captivating. I want to read more, and will. You take the reader immediately into a different world, and one we mostly recognise as one of an Irish man taking his family to America, the land of opportunity ...the true Angela Ashes sort of story.

I like the conflict set up with potential competitor Novak. Something to look forward too.

"No luggage but a Singer sewing machine Mam had insisted on carting...' This is such a lovely authentic line. And nostalgic for readers too, who know the value of the old Singer machines had to life in the olden days.

Your easy conversational style serves to draw in the reader, into an intimate one-to-one chat. ...'he hadn't downed a drink in over two days." This also shows us something about the character. Sounds like he was a bit of a drinker too.
".....he'd personally bloodied the nose ..." Again, the verbalisation of the adjective "bloody", makes it active as well as visual, and has a very potent effect on the reader.

Already, the MC is left with a huge task of looking after the family after her father's death. Already we feel for her, and anticipate her problems to come.

I'm not surprised your book is doing well!

Highest stars for this. I will support your book as soon as I have space on my shelf.

When I support a book, I leave it up for a long time, so that it gets a good boost. Many I support till it reaches the desk, so be patient.

Best wishes
Marilyn

WHO KILLED THE PRESIDENT
Jo Lynn

Jo, you have written this with splendid insight into the character of a young Irish Miss. Her personality carries a dry sense of humor and her way of looking at the world is so amusing she becomes real from the beginning. I only know one Irishman and the spirit they possess is to be seen in your other characters in Chapter One. Their good humor, lapsing quickly as a firecracker into anger when they are riled is just how they are from my observation. At the same time, they are charming and not afraid to say what they are thinking. You have captured those characteristics well. I also see authenticity in the times for which this was written. Not that I lived then to know but as a writer, I read a lot. In my opinion, this is really good work.

I believe there is still some editing to be done. I saw some mispelled words that would be caught with a simple run through of spell check. For example, in Chapter Two Single light, turnstile and drove buggies are mispelled. Easy enough to fix. Your story looks to be one that would be of interest to any reader who enjoys historical fiction. I am one of those and I congratulate you on your accomplishment. I only wish I could read the entire novel. Should you post more, let me know.

I give you five stars for Who Killed The President?

I will try to find room on my shelf later. At present I am backing books that I really believe in and want to keep them there for a time as they are close to the ED. For now you are on my watchlist.

I sincerely thank you once more for backing A King in Time. I won't forget to back you as soon as I can because I believe your novel deserves recognition.

Mary Enck

Jo,
I'm giving your book a second go to check out what buffing you've done, and once more I'm entranced.
You seemingly capture the essence of Buffalo in the early 1900s when the Irishman could still be tagged the odd man out and the English the mainstream, the ingredients for the melting pot still disparate and often incompatible. Your protagonist Elizabeth for all her foibles and bravado remains a sympathertic character one can't help but cheer on especially when entangled in a circumstantial mess surrounding the assassination of President McKinley. You have wonderful descriptives capturing local color and emotive nuances. Thank you so much.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

I read your first couple of chapters and found them enjoyable. You have taken on a daunting task with this type of story because I'm sure the amount of research you have had to put into it was severe. I liked how the MC's father had his own grand stories about how he acquired his business and how it contrasted with the bleak truth. The scene with the little girl receiving hospital treatment was particularly well written, and how the MC had to repress her feelins when dealing with the arrogant doctor.

This isn't the type of thing I usually read, but it's well written and an interesting subject area so it deserves six stars. I'll give it some shelf time next week.

A while back you read, backed and star ranked FIREBRAND. You also asked for me to return your backing, etc. You just asked for it again a few days ago. I don't read your genre. Leave me alone. Thanks for the interest in my book. It does not always go both ways.

I enjoy your narratives and pop outs to "the truth?" They are charming and unique. You have a wonderfully descriptive style and, though I've only read the first two chapters, I think I will enjoy this book. Am reading a book now that outdistances The Stand so not sure when I'll get back here but I will because the style is very simply engaging and holds my hyperactive brain for long enough to continue. May I ask, why incomplete?

I have added you to my watchlist and highly starred.

I looked through your comments and notice that Denys did read your book when you first requested it so do not believe we let you down. I don't have as much time here as he does so he often picks up what I cannot. If you get either of us, it counts! If you get both of us, it's two-for-one! ;)

Good luck and safe journeys,
Tarri
INTO LIGHT

Having at last found time to read more of this book, I find your descriptive style most entertaining. Your attention to detail does you credit, I could almost feel, touch, and smell the words I was reading. I hope soon I'll be able to get back and read some more, but having to look after my mother [89] is very taxing and time consuming.

This book I'm sure will make the HC review, and deservedly so, keep going Jo, I hope not only to complete this book, but any others you will undoubtedly be writing.
[philp4002] Phil Phoenix - author of The JET! Trilogy

Promised read:
I like your writing style and character development. I am great fan of historical fiction unfortunately I am afraid, this is not the era that captures me.

You are doing well in the ratings, and I am certain this will continue to rise.
Good luck,
Linda

kia ora Jo,

Just read through chapter one and I liked the originality of the opening with the real vs. Da's exaggerated versions. It plays out a bit like Gabriel Garcia's Marquez's structure in some of his writing. Some strong imagery and I like details such as a sock filled with money - they add a lot to the characterisation. I would agree with previous reviewers that the narrative could be tightened. The sentences are a touch long and can be a bit tough to follow. Perhaps try reading it aloud to get the rhythm right.

5 stars for originality and the small touches
Kaal Kaczmarek

kia ora Jo,

Just read through chapter one and I liked the originality of the opening with the real vs. Da's exaggerated versions. It plays out a bit like Gabriel Garcia's Marquez's structure in some of his writing. Some strong imagery and I like details such as a sock filled with money - they add a lot to the characterisation. I would agree with previous reviewers that the narrative could be tightened. The sentences are a touch long and can be a bit tough to follow. Perhaps try reading it aloud to get the rhythm right.

5 stars for originality and the small touches
Kaal Kaczmarek

Hi Jo

Just read the first chapter of this one (so many books on my promise to read list, so little time) but I like what I've read so far. Your style is easy to read and i confess that I knew nothing about the assasination of president McKinley till I started reading this.

best of luck

Tom

This has been a BHCG review
My grandmother was an Irish emigrant to a New World and my mother was a nurse so you’ve got me as a captive audience from the get-go. So am intrigued at the way you package this with a story about killing the president.
Long Pitch
Strong, engaging first para with a hint of the protagonist’s role in the story. But in the last paragraph you switch into journalistic non-fiction mode – which, this reader found unsettling and made me wonder whether you switch genres from fiction to non-fiction in the book.
Your first chapter kicks off to a fine, fresh and original start. You have a light touch and I liked the way that Da’s tall tale of how he made a start in his new country and then almost as quickly exhaled his last breath wasn’t dwelt upon.
You bring the character of Elizabeth alive. She and the other characters speak believeable dialogue, which to my ear seemed right for the time period – no easy task.
Ch 2 – You convey a strong sense of time and place, particularly in the para where you describe the Expo hospital. I liked the reference to the operating theatre as a stage set.
Tiny nit – Do you need the second reference to red hair in Chapter 2 when you’ve already told us in Chapter 1, ‘as Irish red as my Da’s?’
There is something about the two words, locked closed’ used consecutively that made me stop – locked close, perhaps?
I was carried along by your story and the way you tell it right up until the very last couple of sentences. I think it spoils the experience for the reader to be told what happens……what we really crave is a bit of mystery – and I think this end of chapter needs a hook to take us into the next chapter and give us a reason for reading on………This is only a tweak but apart from that this is of a high standard and a good read and is riding high in the Autho charts. Historical fiction is a popular genre and this book has commercial appeal.
Highly starred…..
Alison (Lambert Nagle)
Revolution Earth

"Who Killed the President" - Jo Lynn. I read the 1st 2 chapters and scanned several comments. Stars for historical research and placing the reader in the era. Some thoughts: perhaps consider tighten up the 1st chapter and make it a prologue?; dialogue flows well for the most part; chapter 2 was fine until the ending - I think you gave away too much; the reader needs a reason to keep reading the next chapter and then the next chapter - you told the reader what happens next between your pitch and the last 3 paras in chapter 2. Suggest you need to build up tension, relax it a little, then increase it some more. Hope this helps.

Gideon (Thrill Writer's Remorse)

What an interesting read!

Hi Jo Lynn,

I think this is an excellent start to the story. You paint the scene of 1900's wonderfully and it immerses the reader in your story. I enjoyed the humurous parts in chapter 1 when she describes her father's version of events vs the true events. It shapes great character.
The only typo I picked up on was that you repeated 'uniform' (....to her starchy white uniform uniform underneath) at the start of chapter 2.

I think this is extremely well written and I wish you all the best for it.

Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance

Hi Jo Lynn,
I like the way you write. The characterization is great, your descriptions are creative, and you move the story along very well. High stars.

Kerrie Price
THE GOD PLEASERS 40 day Study Guide

you've 'weaved', shouldn't that be 'woven'? See? I do a bit of re-writing myself.

Hello Wanttobeawriter - you ARE a writer. You've weaved a great earthy portrait of the period, the charcters and thefamily history and the medical work the main character(s) do/does. The only things I would do would be to let things cool down and re-read and edit out ANY superfluous words you don't need and MAYBE, just MAYBE, start the story off at the point of assassination so it hits us in the face and work the story back from there until it 'catches up' and then, well, carry it onwards to its conclusion. Re-write basically. But you've created a lively, believable world and character that people it really well.

Finished the book for what is available. It's excellent. Perhaps Irish phrase differently, but I'd do this at:

'Then the strange lanky man...that morning, stepped down.'

...as a schoolboy, making me wish Harriet could have been there....

...skip-a-beat thing again, which made me jerk my hand so much, I splashed toilet water....

Good luck, George Someday when you're done with all of this, I hope you're entertained by my book as much.

You use the word ‘so’ three times in the second paragraph, twice in one sentence. Makes it read a little clumsily.

I liked the narrator’s voice and the general tone of the piece, but Da’s story about their first day could have been tighter, imo. Rambled a bit as you went through true and false versions. I didn’t understand why the tavern owner would want to rent his place to a recent arrival with no money. You make it sound like the owner got one over on Da, but I’m not sure how. Taking on a business on lease seems pretty smart – what do you lose if it fails?

At the end of the first chapter you slip into present tense. At the start of the second you’re back to past. I’d suggest being more consistent.

“anyone who had fifty-cents admission price for that exposition”
Which exposition? I found this very confusing, as the hospital is also called Exposition Hospital. Makes it read like you have to buy a ticket to get into the hospital. What does ‘that’ refer to? as opposed to the other exposition in town? The problem is when you reveal information in reverse order it isn’t easy to follow. I can make sense of it when I get to the end of the chapter, but it doesn’t make for a very smooth read. You obviously know how the Expo is set up, the reader doesn’t, and it isn’t obvious. And explaining it later doesn’t help us in the now.

“orient to the General”
I don’t know what that means. You just mentioned the statue of generals, then the intern, but the line above is meaningless without context.

“she assured me I’d be able to recognize him easily”
Recognize who? The intern, the general, the man in the moon?

When she grabs the hurt child and rushes off to the hospital how is she able to see what the mother is doing behind her (and in such great detail). Outside her POV.

I thought the ending to ch2 was jarring. I can see what you’re going for, but the sudden flashforward and inclusion of intimate details of the assassination without explanation makes it feel like a shift in POV to omniscient.

Overall the writing is good and the tone is great. She seems a likeable narrator. Time and place are a bit muddled though, and I felt like it was probably very clear in your head, but failed to transfer to the page as clearly. You leave out vital info which probably doesn't feel necessary because you already know it. But we don't. When they arrive at the Expo it’s afternoon, but it felt like morning until you stated otherwise towards the end of the chapter. That sort of thing is unsettling, and happens quite a lot in just the first two chapters.

I’d say characters, premise and historical details you have down pretty well, but POV is a little inconsistent, and narrative structure is wobbly and hard to follow at times.

Setting, characterisation and narrative are well written. They evoke immediate imagery in the reader's mind. The narrator's voice comes over well, enabling the reader to "see" through her eyes and be carried along on her journey.

Hi Jo,

A lot of your comments cover what I have to say about your book, so I will keep this short and just say that this is a very well written book. You have a good story here, interesting characters and excellent dialogue throughout.
Great stuff.

Simon.
Yuko Zen and SYWTWE.

Hi Jo,

I’m very impressed by this. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve made my comments quite detailed and specific. You’ve had so many reviews that I know you’ll be used to ignoring what you don’t agree with. I mean everything I say kindly.

I like the bluntness of the front cover.

Your short pitch is a little bald, especially since it starts with “A story..” and your long pitch is too descriptive. It answers the question “What is the book about?” but not, perhaps, “Why should I want to read it?” This might be the norm for the genre, however.

“The weather was so cold, the thermometer..” I’d swap the comma with the word “that”. It’s a beautiful sentence though. It’s being told second hand, so it shows Da must be quite the storyteller.

The truth and the stories are an astonishing way to start a novel. They are quite the pull. This is the sort of thing I would put in your pitch.

“marlarky” I’m used to this meaning “high jinks” rather than stories or speech of any kind.

I’d just say that Maria Napoli already had a sign like that, rather than adding that she already did it. Get the reader to fill that bit in themselves.

“..a brother next younger to me.” Seems like an odd way to phrase this, although I can’t think of a clearer way. Maybe “the brother…”

Ch 2

I like the one word start of this.

The sentences starting “Then straightened” and “Harriet Tisselman” are both quite complicated and are a bit much together. I struggled with the second one in particular.

By the start of Ch2 I think we’ve been told Elizabeth has red hair three times. That’s quite a lot.

“..because I’m taller than dress patterns think women should be..” Gosh, this is good!

Should it be a “women’s ward” to match with “two men’s wards”? It’s the patients who are plural, not the wards.

“The room was always…” This sentence could do with a comma to make it easier to read, probably before “as well”.

The “whatsoever” in the middle of the sentence about not using open flames should be “whatever”, I think. Although I might have misunderstood it. Do you mean “operating room…theater…(or) whatever (you choose to call it)”? The sentence might mean something else but I couldn’t understand quite what.

And a stunning ending to the chapter, although spoilt because of what is in the pitch. I think I just like surprises :)

I’m bowled over by how good this is. If my comments are the sort of thing you find useful, I’d be happy to carry on. I hope you don’t think I’ve been overly critical but your book is outstanding so I thought I’d take the time.

Highly starred and will place on my shelf.

Lucy

Hi Jo Lynn
I read the first five chapters of this book and enjoyed it very much. Your characters are well drawn, the descriptions are good, and the dialogue seems natural. Most importantly, though, I felt drawn to your main character and immersed in the period. You've managed to create time and place for the reader very well. I also enjoyed the slightly subversive humour you display here and there, such as dring the Presidential parade!
I don't know how well acquainted you are with the Irish, but I think that your MC's voice seems authentic.
Well done!
Fr. Ambrose

I like the writing , and the time period is refreshing.
George