Book Jacket

 

rank 1104
word count 12526
date submitted 24.10.2011
date updated 01.11.2011
genres: Fiction, Romance, Horror, Comedy
classification: universal
incomplete

Hellbait

Lisa Scullard

Half-man, half-zombie, Army veteran Sully tries to avoid other undeads. He'd rather hang out with his personal demon, who has much more time to kill.

 

Mostly, Sully’s spare time is spent with his ‘Courier’ - a faceless entity, whose job it is to transport the soul of the dead to its destination. The problem with the current proliferation of undeads, means that a lot of these Couriers are hanging around Earth with nothing to do. And the living think they’re killer demons, instead of just things doing a job they’ve always done.



Sully’s achieved double by putting up with Hellbait. One, she now talks - admittedly, in an echo-fashion, like a parrot. And two - he’s fallen in love with it. If you can still consider her an It. But she’s not interested. She’s only hanging around because he’s past his expiry date.



Having also accumulated two lycanthropic pets of his own (a part-time Oriental blue-point Siamese cat, and a Doberman with a death-sentence hanging over her), Sully’s starting to feel that women of varying manifestations and species are a threat of taking over his life.



When before, if he wanted a woman, all he had to do was look in the personal ads, or the obituaries. They all ended up the same anyway.



Oh, and it’s also the end of the world. Allegedly.

 
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tags

comedy, horror, mythology, romance, vampire, werewolf, zombies

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Partygoer found dead in bar. Police warn of more demon attacks (Regular headline)

 

CHAPTER ONE ~ Mans best friend

 

The girl could definitely move.

Sully watched the twitching and swaying of her hips, and rhythmic bopping of her head with his one good eye, knowing that aesthetic appreciation wasnt a great substitute for the other sort. But it was the most he had left, since.

She was whip-thin, although muscles moved under her cocoa-dusted skin like mating eels as she danced, her sultry brown eyes burning with yellow sparks whenever they met a mans gaze. Her hair a mixture of braids and dreads, tied back, showcasing that Cleopatra face and mesmerising expression. Half-hypnotic, half-narcotic. She wore faded cargo shorts, a spaghetti-strap vest, and a PLO scarf - nothing else. Not even shoes on those dancing feet. Some odd-shaped beads on knotted leather thongs passed as bracelets.

That was all.

She didnt so much occupy as prowl the dance floor. Other girls posed or jiggled on the spot around their purses, while the naked pros wrapped themselves around the pole and other fixtures, like strangler fig vines.

The thinking part of Sullys conscious brain was wondering how you approached a girl like that and made her join you for a drink. The remainder of his brain was wondering why he was so interested in a girl who wasnt dead yet.

 

Jess caught the big soldier looking, but it didnt distract her. Men often looked, whether they had one eye or two. Sometimes they even used their hands, as if they werent sure that she was real.

He was fit, definitely. Would be good to wrestle - she called it wrassle - even that one non-functioning, pearl-white eye just added to his charisma. The other was green like true jade, not marred by the scarring on the damaged side of his face, and he still had his military jar-head cropped haircut. Still wore his Army sweater and combat fatigues, taut in all the right places. Looked like he was the sort who enjoyed a long run every day at dawn, through the woods, or along a deserted beach. Made her feel all warm just thinking about it.

She did another circuit of the dance floor, all the better to view him from another angle. As she twirled idly, pretending not to note, he slowly got to his feet, and limped to the bar.

Oooh, Jess thought, and moved to follow. Time for walkies

 

Same again? the bartender asked, mixing up a Brain Haemorrhage at Sullys silent nod. And for you, Jess? Another Hair of the Dog?

Whats the best youve got? Jess mused, sliding her elbow up to meet Sullys, where it rested on the bar. Id like to try a Zombie. I hear theyre a good pick-me-up.

A third joined them silently at the bar, on Sullys right. One or two customers edged away uncomfortably, suddenly deciding theyd had enough to drink already.

Let me guess, the bartender greeted the newcomer. Screaming Orgasm? Or a Kamikaze?

Jess looked across to see who the established competition was. A Bardot swathe of blonde hair was flicked aside as the newcomer exchanged glances.

One eye flame orange, the other electric blue flickered in a face otherwise obscured by their light, hidden in pitch darkness. The bartender seemed unmoved by the appearance of any of his customers, and carried on mixing cocktails with a professional detachment.

Its a Courier, Sully said unexpectedly, breaking the wall of silence that usually surrounded him in public. And I wouldnt stare at it, if I were you.

Whats a Courier? Jess whispered. Its pretty. Those eyes - so sparkly…”

You wouldnt say that if you knew where those eyes could lead you, Sully remarked. You might be all right. I think this one is faulty. It just follows me around sometimes.

Is it a demon? asked Jess. Ive never seen one close up. How can it be faulty?

They normally have matching eyes, Sully shrugged. Those are the ones you dont want coming after you.

Thats so cool. I didnt know you could get tame demons. Jess grinned. What have you named your little pet?

Its not a demon.

But you must have given it a name. Or even just a nickname. Jess considered the shadowy figure. Id have called it - Sparky.

Sully accepted his drink.

Hellbait, he replied at last. Its name is Hellbait.

Hellbait, repeated the Courier. Followed by what Jess was sure was a distant snigger.

Can it do tricks? Jess queried, feeling her own competitive streak rising, in response to the obvious connection apparent now between the soldier and the newcomer.

The good half of Sullys mouth smirked, and he looked directly at Jess for the first time since she had followed him to the bar.

I guess it plays Fetch, he replied, slyly. Do you?

Jess suddenly felt all weak around the knees. God, she wanted to play with him so badly.

I fetch, said Hellbait.

Im Jess. Jess offered her slender hand, and when Sully failed to respond, she picked up his own free hand from the bar and shook it. He didnt resist.

Good name, he conceded. If I called it out loud enough, would you come?

Jess considered, edging her bottom carefully onto a bar-stool, before her legs gave way. Men werent usually so tolerant. Usually she just got told to get lost - or worse.

Probably, she admitted, and then attempted a flirtatious retort. But Im not promising anything.

Im not anything, Hellbait echoed.

Youre just broken, Baby, Sully muttered to the apparition. Like the rest of us.

Broken the rest.

Is that an echo in here? asked Jess. She wasnt keen to lose monopoly of the soldiers attention yet. Does it know what its saying, or is it just repeating things parrot-fashion?

I reckon, both. Sully pushed his empty glass over for a refill.

Broke.

Not broke yet. He flipped open his wallet. Im good for a few more rounds, if you two can keep up.

You didnt strike me as the kind of guy who keeps drinking company, Jess observed, trying to make herself more comfortable on the slippery seat, tucking one of her bare feet beneath her. More of a loner. The strong silent type.

Well keeps is probably too strong a word, Sully admitted. But as you both demonstrated, company finds me, more often than not.

Jess was unimpressed, and disappointed by his apparent arrogance. A man who was fickle with company didnt fit her own fantasy. She was a one-on-one type. Long walks on the beach. Not running with a pack. You were always distracted by the competition, who was getting the most attention, fighting for the least bit of affection, or for treats.

Maybe he wasnt so special.

I know your creed, she sighed. Youre all attitude at first, and when it comes down to it, youre all talk and no action. Meaning girls just get suckered in by you. Or they have to have something else wrong with them. Like her.

Hellbait sniggered again. Jess slid off the bar-stool.

Think Ill go dance some more instead.

Sully let her walk away, without looking up. Hellbait drained a Kamikaze.

Play fetch.

She doesnt know what she is yet, Sully replied.

Yet.

Sully glanced at his personal demon. The Courier was currently passing as a human, except for the face in perpetual darkness. The blonde head tilted at a knowing angle. It was wearing repossessed clothes. Sully could imagine that there were going to be some very irate naked strippers around later on.

He reached out to try and brush his fingers against the bare midriff, but the Courier flinched away. He chuckled.

Scared that Im anthropomorphising you against your will? He smiled. The expression almost reached both sides of his face. All right. You win this time.

Looking around, he located Jess on the dance floor.

Who immediately pretended that she hadnt been watching.

Sully stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled.

Like a shot, Jess was standing next to them at the bar again.

Sit, ordered Sully, pointing back at the bar-stool.

Jess found herself obeying at once. A little butterfly of anticipation fluttered in her stomach.

He put another Zombie on the bar in front of her.

Good girl, he said.

Hellbait lost interest, and went to look at a fat man passed out in the corner. Sully shook his head wryly. Another one for the collection.

You dont know where hes been, Sully warned.

CHOOSE.

“…And he probably cant hear you.

Jess enjoyed the second Zombie more than the first. It had the taste of reward attached. But Sully was keeping his good eye on the Courier, who kicked the fat mans leg with one dainty foot. The mans unconscious head lolled to the side, lips parting.

A dribble of vomit emerged. His eyes, fixed open, stared at nothing.

Drink up, said Sully. He scraped the last of his change off the bar. Time to go, girls.

Whats the hurry? Jess asked. I only just sat back down.

Sully shot her a look. He was going to have to get the hang of this, even if she herself hadnt so far.

Walkies, he said abruptly, and she was off the seat in an instant.

What is it? Where are we going? she demanded, dropping her empty glass onto the bar and bobbing expectantly on her toes.

Anywhere away from that guy in the corner, said Sully. I think hes expecting company that we dont want to run into.

Broken.

Yes, Baby. Sully collared the Courier by her skimpy shirt and dragged her along with them, as they headed out. Too broken to make a choice.

They passed a huge black doorman in the lobby, silhouetted against an illuminated poster screen.

PLAY FETCH, Hellbait said, pointing back at the bar, dragged unwillingly outside.

The doormans face darkened further.

Both of his eyes flared orange fire.

He turned and strode into the bowels of the club.

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GK Stritch wrote 204 days ago

Just in time for the darkest Halloween season, Lisa Scullard's Hellbait will knock your bloody socks off.

Lisa, wow, what a knockout!

GK Stritch

Kim Padgett-Clarke wrote 119 days ago

Hellbait is a mixture of all sorts of genres which happily blend together nicely. I am not usually into this kind of book but I loved the cover and had to check it out. Your writing style is great, easy to read and flows nicely. It is hard to know how to review this as there are so many elements to the story. I guess the only thing I need to say is that it is brilliant! Well done and six stars.

Kim (Pain)

FinkArtStudio wrote 140 days ago

I first clicked onto your book to critique its cover but your pitch has me adding this to my watchlist. Look like a very interesting read!

The cover i LIKE! Beautiful hair, glowing eyes- it certainly makes me look and wonder. It acheives its purpose and made me want to "pick it up"

celticwriter wrote 183 days ago

Hi Lisa, found your book on GK's shelf. Loving it! Happily backed.

Jim
LONDON in LOVE

Paul Freeman wrote 183 days ago

Hi, Lisa, I've read the first three chapters and your story is mad, in a good way.

Paul.

DesiS. wrote 187 days ago

Hellbait- great tension between Hellbait and Sully. Very original- but would like some more info about the world that they live in. In Chapter 2 you say- "Sully didn't know if they replaced Couriers who persistently failed."- Courier wasn't clearly explained and who are 'they'. I wonder if not explaining what is going on is a way to increase reader curiosity or suspense. Does create some confusion though. Great banter between the characters and good character development.

Chapter 5- "And he found himself on his feet, with Hellbait pinned up against the wall, just outside the bathroom." It took me a little bit to figure out that he had her pinned. Also her alludes to an implement that she was holding- a richer description of this would be helpful.

Hope this is helpful. Thanks for sharing your wonderful story. Desi

billysunday wrote 193 days ago

Lisa, You ooze style. Love your similes and metaphors-'eels mating', 'dusted with cocoa', even liked how you used the word 'queried' instead of the boring standard 'ask'. The whole bar scene is very intriguing. I'm sure the strange game is further explained later in the book. One word-slick. Highly recommended and starred.
Dina Rae

Lisa Scullard wrote 198 days ago

Today's tune is... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4Yd0M7m8GY

peter timmins wrote 199 days ago

Hi ,
just a quick note to say i am loving your book "Hellbait" and have 5***** it. I will put it on my book shelf when i get space. Just wondered if you have time, you could cast your eye over my book "THE SNOW KING".
Only if you have time though.

Pete

Lisa Scullard wrote 201 days ago

Today's recommended listening: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2qoin0Bdf8

;)

WiSpY wrote 202 days ago

Interesting!!

ShadowOfOsiris wrote 202 days ago

Hi Lisa

I've read up to about halfway through chapter 3. I like it a lot. There's something about Hellbait herself that is very intriguing and makes me want to read the rest just to see what happens with/to her. She's quite a simple creation, and yet very unique and I think she'll be the biggest selling point of the book. Anyway, my notes:

'...all he had left, since.' I don't think this works. Since what? I know you'll get to that, but if you don't want that question asked in the wrong way, then this bit needs rewriting. Perhaps simply putting elipses instead of a full stop (period).

'flame-orange'

The swearing isn't particularly 'universal', even if it's few and far between. You say this is your problem because you want it YA, but I don't really feel it as YA. It feels like there's a lot of adult stuff lurking, which could make it flow a bit better. I don't mean loads of sex and swearing and whatnot, but just things that you could allow to spill out if you aren't constrained by YA.

Lastly, for a novel tagged 'comedy, I've yet to come across any.

That's all I came across. My only concern, really, is that Sully isn't entirely likeable. I can't find myself liking or disliking him. But I think this will do very well, and I will back it. Good luck :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Mike Lee wrote 203 days ago

The style is really, really, great.; I found myself rushing along in reading this, enjoying every new description of the bizzare scenes and characters. Very nicely done :)
I love the characters. With the exception of Hellbait herself, each one gives a snapshot of what kind of character we are being introduced to immediately. Great characterization, and great characters!
I notice that the other comments here don't offer suggestions, just praise, and I think that reflects the quality of the writing, both great style and a compelling set of scenes to tell this story in.
There's not alot of volume here, so it's hard to see now whether the story is really developing and where it is going. Consequently, anything I offer regarding the structure of the story may be pretty far off the mark, or intentional, setting the reader up for interesting revelations later on. But here are my impressions:
Hellbait: She starts out as an ominous enigma. I have the impression that her communications are ambiguous. But by the end of this sample, she is much more... hmmm, articulate? Much more understandable, I suppose. Her short "echo" statements are much easier to make sense of. I might like that to be more consistent through the opening of the story, and I suspect there are advantages to making her comments mysterious and ambiguous.
Jess: You did such a great job with this character in the opening scene, it's disapointing to discover that she's relegated to a minor character (apparently) so quickly. The opening read to me like Hellbait was the consistent, but circumspect theme character, that wouldn't be involved in the action, so much as always present, an ominous indication of the eventuallity awaiting Scully, and Jess would be more central to the action... but that changed as soon as they left the bar, and Hellbait was the center of Scully's actual actions. I might prefer, as a reader, to understand who I should be paying attention to earlier on.
Scully: He's very charismatic, somehow, but even by the end of the sample, I'm not sure what drives him. He's suffering, and therefore gaining the reader's sympathy, and he's doing "good" things (like letting the zombies out of the container on the beach) but I didn't understand what makes him do things like pick up stray lycanthropes, care what happens to the zombies in the container, etc. I could have used a little information from Scully about how he makes those decisions, what his purpose is. Reducing the suffering of the monsters, because he is half monster himself?
Also, I have the impressoin that these creatures all walk around in the real world, mixded in among the normal, living people, but the threat that is noticed is the Courriers, not the undead. I wanted a better picture of what that's about, how the living perceive, or don't perceive the undead. Are they a threat to the living? Are the living repulsed by them? Are the living generally aware of them, their real nature?
So, without more of the story here to see, I know that some of this may not be central to the story, and could be mere distraction if it were included. I can only say these are the questions I am left wishing I understood the answers to, after reading through chapter 5.
The writing, though, is really top drawer. The ONLY weakness I can find is in the organization of the structure of the story, and there's not enough for me to know if that's really a weakness or not, yet.
Really great style, though, for sure!

Lisa Scullard wrote 204 days ago

Recommended listening: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbusiFt9XlU&feature=related

;)

GK Stritch wrote 204 days ago

Just in time for the darkest Halloween season, Lisa Scullard's Hellbait will knock your bloody socks off.

Lisa, wow, what a knockout!

GK Stritch

Kris Mikelson wrote 210 days ago

Super impressive writing! Just the right amount of everything. Very alluring. This will definitely get published because there is absolutely no reason it shouldn't.

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