TORTENSCHLOSS

This is a fine piece of writing, charming and tongue in cheek. I am puzzled as to why some books get a lot of attention, while a piece of bijouterie like this will languish in the doldrums.

WOW Simon! First off I can't believe this is losing ranking as it is one of my favourite young adult reads on the site! PAY ATTENTION AUTHONOMITES! You have one of the most intriguing imaginations I have ever read and a true gift for putting down on paper! Your characterizations are so down to earth even if fantastical and you have a knack for dialogue! BACKED with pleasure and this is a place I want to go!

Liz
The Cheech Room

What a wonderful opening - I really laughed at the cob-ob-ob-bles! The mixture of reality (skating newspaper girl in protective gear) and fantasy works really well and the there are some lovely images: 'But the bad news..clouds conspiring to spoil a perfectly blue sky', 'Peachy grinned inside and out.' The humour is low key but just what children enjoy -eg. the flesh transparency spell, 'I'm blind not insensate'. I think this is a story which children will enjoy reading themselves but also adults would enjoy reading to their children. Consequently, shelved, Carolyn.

Hi Simon. Peachy is a fiesty girl, very engaging. Well written settings. Lively dialogue. Your characterization of Peachy keeps the story active. Placed on my shelf. Good luck. Janet Marie

Hi Simon,
I finished chapter 3 and have watch-listed this. I really enjoyed the setting and the characters. I can practically see the sun sparkling on the sea, hear the gulls, and smell the...fish. Darn fish. Very fun. I think Leo's is taking a little to long to get to the crux of the matter, though. I'll be back, Carlajo

Lovely opening chapter. It was fun to follow Peachy on her skates and watch the world of Tortenschloss (great title!) unfold. Very witty and clever. Your mist mariners are a fun idea and I'm sure your heroes will get rid of them. I'm looking forward to meeting the rest of the gang. Nice ending hook, too.
Goes on my watch list for now.
Cheers, Edith (Found Guilty)

Hi Simon - have been on the verge of reading your books before, but you got Desked both times and I missed out! Have finally had a look at the first chapter of Tortenschloss.

I was grabbed first of all by your pitch - these are vivid characters, the test of all good children's literature. Straight away you show that we're in a slightly altered Pullman-esque reality, with its jeopards and the mist mariners. I liked the way you introduced Peachy at speed, flying through the town on her rollerblades, but never too quick to pick out some detail for us. You figures are excellent too, especially the one right at the bottom about clouds spoiling a blue sky. It's good stuff, and I do suspect you're on a hat-trick with the Deskings. All the best to you,

Pat

I like this a lot, better than Kip Doodle for me. Probably because its the kind of thing I could imagine myself reading. I recognise from the comments and praise of Kio that's its a good book and probably (I'm crossing my fingers for you) very commercial. Its just not the type of thing I'd pick up. But this was different, I loved the voice of it, like the setting, plus as always your writing is very tight, nothing spare.

Amazed at the amount of stuff you've got up here actually, I guess you're a full time writer then (I wonder what that's like!).

Liked your main character, she seems very real. Loved the opening segment, drew me in very quickly.

So liked it. Shelving it. Pronto. May you continue to prosper in the field of writing, you're a good example for me.

Hi Simon! Got here at last. I liked your story, I expect it's a bit like Pratchett although I've never read any of his. I have a couple of points: 1) I'm a visualiser and I couldn't picture 'a land left of the world' - what's 'a land'? 2) You've made things different in a number of ways, I wonder whether Peachy should be doing something as boring as a paper round or whether you could think up something more interesting for her to do. 3) Take a look at your use of 'was' it is indicative of the past, as such passive rather than active (I'm saying this to everyone) i.e. 'He only rose early when he was adventuring. Or he was troubled.' - 'He only rose early when adventuring beckoned or he felt troubled; 'The Barbican was beginning to...' - 'The Barbican began to...' Tim

Greetings from the YA group. I enjoyed this book so much more than Kip. It's exciting, fast paced, and original. From mist mariners to the co-co-co-cobblestones, it kept me moving forward at a fast pace. I liked your young protagonist on skates. Especially on skates, refreshing and funky fun. I can see kids 8-11 loving this book, with a few minor exceptions. First some of the words are over their heads, beginning with the title. Many of the words are appropriate for YA reading, but the theme and the storytelling aspect are much too young to hold the attention of most tweens and teens. If this had been a children's book with the appropriate language level, I'd have shelved it in a heart beat. As it, I'm somewhat confused. Thanks for the read and the professional writing - that's always a pleasure. Best of luck with its success.

Ok, i'm here for the YA group read. My very subjective notes follow:

Ok, i've never been sure about the title for this one. It's hard to remember. Which fits with the pitch, which is so full of names i can hardly remember any of them. And which all adds up to be very off putting, to be honest. On the other hand, if one wades between the names, the idea sounds quirky and fun.
'most birds' – this confused me. To start with i wondered if Leo was a bird, then i realised it was a reference to the dawn chorus, but that didn't quite work for me. Because if the sun is coming, the birds will be singing (unless it's an aspect of your fantasy world that the dawn chorus happens some time after dawn...)
'It wasn't just the way he said it, then.' - i didn't really get this line.
'Peachy jumped feet' – 'Peachy jumped to her feet'?

Well, this is promising, but isn't quite grabbing me the way Kip did. Good luck with it.

personal taste-i prefer kip.
still it's another great story that's hard to find fault with, in your ever growing collection and well worth a shelving
cheers tim

Simon - third book of yours I've 'read' now (or at least started to read: to end of chapter 3) I didn't have much time to read Kip - but of what I've read I think this is my favourite. I really think you're onto something with this world. It is unlike anything else I've read, and I suppose the closest parallels are that it reminded me of The Pirates of the Caribbean in parts - although it's not only about pirates of course. The characters all worked, were brought to life expertly with many deft touches. I loved Shinvar's swords are words with s at the sharp end (sorry paraphrasing from memory) and the Mist Mariners were really original. I didn't quite get what jeopards were - but great name! There is a little but here - if you'll excuse that way of putting it!!! I'm not sure about the plot. Leo wants to retire because he's done it all before - there's nothing new. That's a bit what I felt about the plot. Your world is so original, I want to be grabbed more at this point. Does that make sense at all? It seems a very negative hook. I want to know that he's retiring because he's running away from something, or something similar. Just a thought. I would read on (if the watchlist weren't so huge) and might well return at some point. I'm sure it will stick in my mind. Good luck with it Simon.
Tricia

Wow, I really like this story, your imagery is really good and I like the first line about the co-ob-ob-oble stones. Just one thing I noted is the jeapordies or whatever and the mist mariners, since they are creatures and that's their name, I'm not really sure of the rules, but it seems to me the name should be capitalized, but I could be wrong and they are your creatures. and I probably am wrong, but that's just something I noticed. anyway, can't wait to read more. And good luck with this.

Oni

Hi Simon. Well I just finished chapter 2 and am hooked. At first, when I read your intro I was confused and really, overwhelmed by all the stuff in it. If that is something that you're sending out to agents or editors, I think there's too much. Is there a way you could shorten it or make it more concise? It sort of reminded me of Lord of the Rings in the sense that things and creatures and pitfalls just keep coming and coming. Which they do to my surprise. I admit I didn't want to read it but your writing pulled me in and I pleasantly found myself enjoying your story. I like your descriptions and the characters draw you in. But what I think is your strongest point is your dialog. What your characters say is exactly what they should say. I like your story and am bookshelving it! Good job. You won't last long here!

Hay, Simon, here's another great story. I've got a feeling HC was thinking about making you an offer for Kip and now they will for sure, Ha, maybe you're already in negotiations as we speak.

I haven't got much to critique here. The only thing is - the story itself sounds more for children but the prose is YA. I'm guessing you mean that to be, maybe thinking, YA like silliness as much as children? I know I do. But then 'Evil' wasn't exactly serious adult drama, was it? So just forget everything I just said. I only read three chapters but can see things getting hairy for the characters when they find Kiala and I' guess Leo will have to come out of his self-imposed retirement for an extra-ordinary adventure to beat all those other adventurers. Someone suggested I let the reader know the mc's age earlier to avoid confusion and I'm wondering if, when Peachy goes to the bar her age might be stated somehow??

If your still here in March I hope you stop by and check out 'Ecklar's Curse' again, it's changed a little and I think, for the better. Good luck with your writing career.

Sticks in jelly?

Ablutions - too big a word? Same for adamant, flamboyant, debonair. Then again, how else do they learn words? YMMV.

Jeopard. Presumably a variation on leopard. Unless they're supposed to be reminiscent of leopards (what do they look like?) why not jeppard, which would be easier to prounounce. Or something else?

"very little bounce left" - nice one!

"..out in a mo," he looked down at Peachy. Should be "...out in a mo." He looked down...

Well, I must say you establish your world and one main character in a few short paragraphs. And what a world it is! A winner. Shelved, my friend.

I've now read the first seven chapters and the pace hasn't decreased, which is a good sign. There's good character development and the amusing descriptions haven't ceased. On the watchlist .. maybe onto the shelf.
I noticed that you have The God of Small Things as one of your favourites - it's possibly my favourite book ever. Good to see like-minded people around.

I loved your first sentence. There's a Pratchett-esque charm to some of your writing (having said that, I hope you don't dislike Pratchett's books); amusement always keeps me reading, though it's carefully balanced with seriousness. I shall now read the second chapter.
Oh, and what age specifically are you aiming this at? I'm getting a 10-14 feel, methinks.

Simon,

The first thing I'd like to say (you may not like it) is that, in my opinion, this is better than Kip Doodle. It has a bigger market. I think you should push this harder than Kip. I wouldn't class this as young adult, however. Children's for sure. It reminds me of Milway's world in The Mousehunter.

I love the story, the atmosphere, the characters. Just feel the sentences need to be much shorter and choppier in that opening chapter. It could move faster and hook the reader instantly. Think this is important for kid's stuff.

I loved the bit with the bouncer. The STRICTLY part. Great. Smudge is my favourite. Think you should describe him a bit more when we first meet him, as I'm still unsure what he looks like.

Chapter 2 was my fav chapter.

One last thing. Didn't understand the short pitch. What is Gormenghast? Think you could use something stronger that all will understand and want to read.

Great story. Love it. My personal fav up to now. On the shelf.

Good luck, take care,

Steve.

p.s please check out Twistwood if you get a chance.

I opened Tortenschloss thinking 'Oh, another one by 4d PERFECT, I'm not going to like this one.' And you had me laughing in the first para, damn you! :o)

In Ch 1, think it might be a good idea to put the para about calling the meeting second, to intrigue the reader more quickly. Also, had cottages actually wedged themselves in - or been wedged in? Otherwise, as this is a fantasy, I'm thinking the buildings have a life of their own.

In the first half of Ch 3, for my taste, you could either tighten up the report of the pirate raid or liven it up, as I got a bit restless reading it.

I read through to the end of Ch 4, and I do admire your style and the quality of your writing. But I have to be honest and say that I wouldn't read on. That may just be because it's not my kind of book, or perhaps it just didn't capture me in the way Kip Doodle did.

Good luck with it, anyway.

Hi, really nice first cahpter. I will definately come back and read more. What I've read is very good. The start is nice, it introduces Peachy nicely, great name by the way, and I already feel connected with her. It's well paced and we already have a hint of what's to come. Good luck
Kitten

Hi, Simon.. I'm in the YA group and tho this isn't my usual style to read - or write, I have enjoyed reading some of Tortenschloss and feel it will definitely appeal to youngsters. It has a delightful comic edge and I love the title, love Kiala and Peachy too, thjey're right characters! I can't nitpick as I'm not so qualified in this genre so leave it to those who do. Most enjoyable...good luck. Lorri

Hi Simon,

A charming story here. I've only had time for two chapters, but I can already see its appeal. I'll be back for more by the end of the week and I'll add more comments if I think they'll be helpful to you. I like Kiala and of course Peachy already. I was a little confused at times about who's human and who's not, but that would be my only nit with this. I'm shelving it.

Hi Simon: One of the YA reading group here. Although this isn't the kind of book I'm drawn to, I can easily imagine a wide audience for it. The writing is excellent, the pacing very good, and, from what I can discern from having read only a few chapters, the characters are well drawn. Although I won't read more--because of personal preference--Tortenschloss looks to be a lot of fun for its intended readers. Good luck. Rob

This was just a delight to read. (I read through chapter three. ) I would purchase this in book form without hesitation! Description was masterful. I loved: “big lead balloon of a man,” “firing up her eyes like a pair of emerald furnaces.” Only crit: Although my mind saw the Jeopards as monkeys, it would have been nice to have the smallest bit of description as soon as they were first mentioned. Shelf!

Simon,

I read the first three chapters. There is atmosphere to rival a trip to Terry Brooks' Landover or perhaps if Douglas Adams had written a Guide to Fantasy. I like puns, intended or other wise. I have no complaints about chapter one except the opening paragraph which deserves more time, more detail, just "more" given to it.
What kept me reading was your art of the word. There are no obvious flaws in grammar and the style is immediate. There is a however though...

Now with that said, there is more left to write.

In other words, I feel, this is not your true beginning. The story is not immediate. The opening sentence should draw me in then make me want to follow Peachy.

I honestly grabbed the nearest book to me at the moment and that is Interworld co-authored by Neil Gaiman. The opening sentence is "Once I got lost in my own house." I read this and I want to know why.

Give me a reason to rollerblade behind Peachy. There is not one yet.

I, however, am Bookshelving this. I want to rollerblade.


Bob

Simon,

Some comments on the first chapter. You write well and all that blah, so I won't bore you with that. I do feel that the writing could be trimmed a bit, but I'm sure you'll get to that.
Plot-wise, I can't say this has grabbed me enormously yet. You paint a picture of a fairly standard fantasy town. Apart from the rollerskates, I'm not seeing anything really unqiue. As Peachy (I love the name!) skates through town, we get a progression of ordinary-mixed-with-politics. She's to meet Leo, but only meets him at the end of the chapter. Even then, not much information is passed to the reader. It feels a bit like chapter 1 contains a colection of facts you feel the reader 'needs' to know, but although I can't judge if that is true, I'm wondering if this chapter is the right place for them. I'd rather get to Leo sooner, witness the fight he's in (or see the mist mariners in action), and then get to the reason he can't have adventures with her anymore. I'll read chapter 2 and see if I can suggest anything more intelligent.

Hi there Simon,
Heh, I chortled at the first paragraph. However, although I have read and enjoyed a chapter, it doesn’t grip me enough so far to make me want to keep reading this at the expense of other stories. No offence, it’s good writing but just not my thing. Just my opinion of course, and we’re all different. I read more of Kip and liked that more.
Hope it does well for you,
Regards,

Simon, read the article in the local rag and had to see what the fuss was about! Now I know - good works and written in a readable style. Something wants me to read more........

F5 and carry on - The Pirate.

Simon,
As always, you deliver a book that is witty and fun and extremely creative. Dispite the fact I have a hard time saying the name. (tongue gets tied) I was chuckling at your flow and characters and dialogue. It is all so YOU!
Definitely see reading this one all the way through :)
Cheers,
gina

Simon,

I've read the first chapter of Tortenschloss (great name by the way) and I think it's a great YA addition. I do need to go back and re-read KIP, but I do think KIP is better. Thing is though, I remember thinking Kip was outstanding, so when I say it's not as good, a) I've only read the 1st chapter of this, and b) this is still bloody good and c) this isn't about Kip, this is Tortenschloss!'

It's very very easy to read and the pace flows well. You've got some great humour in there and it's something that's sure to be loved by children everywhere. i will endeavour to read more, and certainly get back to Kip at some stage, and I'll shelve this; it's a really good read.

Oli

Dear Simon,

Let's do the Cinderella first. On my bookself. I'll promote this too.

Experienced writing. Nobody, except me, would use the word overwritten. I have some thoughts which you may consider or toss out the window.

You've given this a nice feel. Friendly. I got a warm feeling. Also aware of a mischievous hand holding the pen. Well, mischievous fingers on the keyboard.

I didn't know what to make of your pitch. And I thought your synopsis was long-winded.

No, not overwritten. But I put it to you that removing a word here and there, makes it shine.

Examples of words this maniac would delete are bracketed. You may agree. You may howl in protest.

....there is a land......(There) On the coast....onto the (smoother stones of the) harbour front.....and the (few) trawlermen.....(one group) a group of sailors....they'd (obviously) filched....gooey (golden) yoke....there was (very) little....so she (had known) knew rightaway...{Past participle may be correct but seems clumsy?}.....but he (just) shook his head.....he was a (big) lead balloon of a man.....the bouncer looked dubious. (but sympathetic to her plight).....hoiked herself up (onto it) for a makeshift seat......

The bracketed words may not be extraneous, but I believe they blunt the writing.

Blame Michael Sissons of PDF who made me delete 40,000 words fom my first novel before he would handle it.

Getting late here. We're six hours ahead of GMT. And I've been writing (rewriting actually) for six hours. I'm stuffed.

Will promote you now and find fault (ha, ha) with your other work tomorrow.

Have fun. Regards. Pierre.

Dear Simon,

I see you're a maniac worse than me. I have two books here. Everyone looks at the first one and ignores the second.

But you're crazy enough to upload three books. It must be hell trying to promote them.

Have watchlisted Tortenschloss, Kip Doodle and Evil Unltd.

See you. Have fun. Pierre.

This is a fun book and it's great as a kids book. Cute ideas and very creative...I personally would like to see you set your stage abit more to explain this world at the begining. Why it wasn't right?...I also found that the idea of a tower in trees was rather vague. Give me more...

I love what you've got from there on. I just think you could do better. Create the place...

So which is the most recent of the ones you have up and how many do you have both on and off line? Curious, only this one felt more fluid to me. Great blog, by the way. Good luck.

This one runs smoothly, Simon. Is this the latest book you've written? Anyway, on my shelf it goes....

Simon, you are an intelligent man and I can only assume that by now you would have sussed that I am absolutely useless at the criticism thing. But what I am good at doing, that is if it is a skill, is homing in on things that look like I might enjoy, switch myself off and take a ride to wherever it is the book will take me. I really like cobbled journey Tortenschloss (and I bet I haven't spelt that right?) take me. I'll be back for more Nice one bud!

And shelved!

Fun. Fun. Fun.

Um..what else do you want me to say?

Great characters (I love Peachy). Great plot (complete with mysterious threat TM). Great light and easy style that really suits YA.

I have a new goal to meet. If you can't land a contract then the rest of we comic fantastists are in trouble.

Good luck Simon - I can sense another two top 5 coming on. It's on my shelf here and I wish it were in real life as well.

Cheers,
Damon

Okay, you've done it again. In spite of my lack of interest in sci fi/fantasy, I can't resist your characters and your writing style.

Watchlisted, because I don't have enough to read...lol

I hated Gormenghast...
This is on my bookshelf.
Nancy

I like your set up, crinkle-cut walls - ha. I felt perhaps a certain lack of tension, and everyone seems rather good natured. ('Peachy always managed a cheery 'hi'). I wondered what these jeopards were, OK so they're animals, perhaps a bit of description? Just that I don't feel especially hooked so far. Will keep reading, though. You've got a good, easy to read style.

Simon,
It seems that I get the honor of the first perusal. Lucky me! I've read through the first part, liked it and, since it's you, went ahead and bookshelved it. Can't wait to finish reading it. My compliments on your choice of character names, too, by the way. If this book is anything like your others, I'm not going to get a lot of work done tomorrow.
--Jonathan