Book Jacket

 

rank 1469
word count 15393
date submitted 24.11.2008
date updated 14.04.2011
genres: Fantasy, Children's, Young Adult
classification: universal
incomplete

TORTENSCHLOSS

Simon Forward

Gormenghast with multi-coloured frosting, a cherry on top and dark sprinkles.

 

Tortenschloss is an everyday city in a once-in-a-blue-moon world. The perfect place to hang out between adventures.

It’s home to PEACHY KEANE, rollerskating newspaper delivery girl. And her friends: SHINVAR, fearless Amazonian Paladin; LEO DE LACEY, chivalrous Musketeer; KIALA, vexed and studious Apprentice to a Sorcerer who has been turned to stone. And SLUDGE, sewer demon from the Seventh Netherplane.

But the Tortenschloss Tribune is packed with the exploits of too many adventurers. Leo is ready to retire from adventuring. So their next quest needs to be for something different, something truly *novel*.

Riding in across the plains comes Genghis, a Fargolian warrior mounted on his fearsome war giraffe. Will he be a new friend? Or foe? For now, he brings the opportunity for adventure: the search for his missing village.

Meanwhile, trouble brews. Roguish jeopards wreak furry havoc in the streets. Gryseult, Pirate Queen, returns from the North with her Ice Armada, set to leave no stone standing. Except those who meet her petrifying gaze. Darkness threatens to engulf the city.

The end of Tortenschloss is nigh. And the only heroes who can save it have gone in search of adventure.
Complete@90K

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

adventure, fantasy, gormenghast, lord of the rings, magic, quest, sorcery, sword

on 12 watchlists

45 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

1

report abuse

PART I

One

Somewhere a little to the left of the world we know, there is a land that is not quite right. There, on the coast, lies the city of Tortenschloss, with its high crinkle-cut walls, towers upon towers in nests of trees, and long winding streets that would have been perfect for roller-skating if it weren’t for the cob-ob-ob-ob-obbles.

Peachy Keane whizzed around the bend at the foot of the hill and onto the smoother stones of the harbourfront, where her grateful bones could settle into a gentler rattle, like sticks in jelly. And where she had to steer niftily clear of nets and lobster pots, and the few trawler-men stacking them. The sun was just beginning to peer sleepily over the farthest rooftops, casting a wash of warm pink into a sky of hazy blue.

Despite the challenge of negotiating such everyday obstacles at high speeds, Peachy always managed a cheery “Hi!” to everyone she knew – as well as a swift, over-the shoulder “Sorry!” to anybody she nearly bumped into, the earnestness of her apology usually pitched in proportion to how narrowly she avoided a collision. They all knew Peachy, in her T-shirt and shorts, her knee and elbow pads with their orange-and-blue go-faster stripes, and she was used to all this from her paper round. But she’d hurried to finish her round early this morning, because Leo had called a meeting.

Half of her did wonder why Leo chose to call a meeting at this hour, when even most respectable birds were still sleeping – apart from a few gulls tending to their morning ablutions in the harbour waters. Leo himself was usually lying in till noon, whenever duty permitted. He only rose early when he was adventuring. Or when he was troubled.

Trying not to worry about the possibilities before she knew what they were, Peachy wove her way between the capstans along the waterfront, checking out some of the weird and wonderful colours of the sailing ships moored in the harbour.

The Barbican was beginning to wake up, with lamps and candles winking into life in the windows and men and women bustling out of doorways, tugging on their coats and trying to guess what sort of weather was in store for the day ahead. Peachy kicked past them all, scanning the row of taverns, inns, alehouses, pubs and drinkeries for the one Leo had specified in his note. Plenty of the establishments along here would have stayed open all night and some were turfing groups of customers out of their doorways as Peachy sped by. A little side-scoot was necessary now and then to avoid some of the drunken sailors who, emerging into the morning light, didn’t seem to know what to do with themselves.

Up ahead, there was a spot of commotion as one group of sailors broke ranks and scattered, turning to shout and raise their fists at the nearest roof. Above them on the rooftop, a pair of jeopards were pelting them with gull’s eggs they’d obviously filched from the nest in the chimney top. One of the animals pranced and squealed with glee as its missile struck a sailor, splattering his shoulder with gooey golden yolk and egg white. Its partner loped away to the chimney eager to gather more ammunition.

As Peachy hurtled past, she felt some sympathy for the sailors, but more for the baby gulls that would never hatch and for the parents who were squawking and screeching overhead; but it was just the kind of thing jeopards did for entertainment and there was very little that gulls, sailors, Peachy or anyone could do about jeopards.

Shaking her head, she was back to watching where she was going and looking for the place she was headed.

A few cottages had wedged themselves in wherever they could find space along the row, but the majority of buildings boasted painted signs hanging above their doorways. All with colourful names, usually denoting unusual pairings: there, the Seaweed and Tern; next door, the Dog and Plate; a couple of doors along, the Sword and Mongoose.

There was such a jumble of them.

The Pair of Apples, Leo’s note had specified. Peachy would have asked for clearer directions, but Leo had only sent his note in the small hours; and she had woken to the sound of the pigeon pecking at her window. The note was marked URGENT, so she had known right away she would have to finish her paper round in double-quick time and find her own way. Luckily, finding her own way was one of Peachy’s special talents.

And there it was: one of the more rickety old taverns, its rosy coat of plaster all chipped and faded, and its thick roof of thatch ragged and dishevelled. A wooden sign hanging out in front proudly displayed its name and a couple of shiny red and green apples. Its tiny doorway seemed to suggest there was no admittance to anyone over five feet tall.

Peachy veered smoothly around a capstan and steered herself across the road to the doorway. Where she was stopped, rudely, by a big man who thrust out one huge arm. He touched a pudgy finger to a sign on the wall, which said:

STRICTLY NO JUNIORS.

And he seemed quite adamant about the STRICTLY part.

“Um, it’s okay, I’ll take my skates off.” She started to bend down to do so, but he just shook his head to tell her no, that wasn’t it.

Typical of Leo, thought Peachy, to arrange a meeting in a place where she was too young to be allowed in. Sometimes he really didn’t think things through.

She sized up the bouncer, wondering about her chances of slipping past him; but sizing up was the last thing he needed. He was a big lead balloon of a man. If they had been able to divide him in two without doing him any permanent injury, he could have blocked both the front and back doors with plenty of girth to spare.

“Sorry,” he offered. “I’m sure you’re very grown up for your age, but rules is rules. The boss is very clear on that.”

Peachy nodded. It wasn’t his fault. And she felt a little guilty for thinking about ducking past him. He had been polite, for all his gruffness, and for a bouncer he looked to have very little bounce left. Probably he had been standing guard most of the night and was ready to go home.

“Well, fair enough,” she said with a small shrug. “But there’s a friend of mine supposed to be in there and he wants to see me. Can you let him know I’m here? It is urgent.”

The bouncer looked dubious, but sympathetic to her plight.

She pressed on a shade more hopefully. “Leo, he’s called. Leopold De Lacey. He’ll be the one in fancy dress.”

As soon as she’d said it, she hoped there hadn’t been anything like a big fancy dress party going on in there last night; but that was the way she always described Leo to those who didn’t know him – and it was surprising how many people got who she meant right away.

The bouncer was no exception, apparently. “De Lacey!” he shouted into the dingy interior. There was a bit of a din in there, of raised voices and tankards, but the man’s voice would carry easily. “Friend of yours here to see you!” He waited, but there was no answer. “I expect he’ll be out in a mo,” he looked down at Peachy. “They got a spot of bother in there.”

“Oh, right. What sort of bother? If you don’t mind me asking.”

The bouncer glanced over his shoulder. The voices in there were rising all the while and it sounded more like some sort of heated argument was brewing than people just having a good time and a few drinks. “We got intruders.”

“Intruders?” Peachy didn’t like the sound of that.

“Mist mariners,” he confided. “Two of the beggars.”

“Oh.” It wasn’t just the way he said it, then. Mist mariners were some of the worst kind of intruders. They drifted across the seas, riding the crests of waves and creeping into the wood of ship’s hulls, where they lived as creaks and groans and all manner of other noises that would curse the sailors with sleepless nights and nightmares. And sometimes, when the ships made port, they would float ashore and find homes in the floorboards and beams of houses or taverns. They were a kind of poltergeist, Peachy had heard, and they did far worse than make spooky noises. “Do they need help in there?”

“Don’t you worry your head about it.” The bouncer ruffled her hair. “That friend of yours, De Lacey, he’s got another friend in there with him. A paladin, she is; a holy knight, bold and fearless. She’ll have those ghastly beggars exercised in no time.”

“Exorcised, you mean.”

“Aye. That.”

Resigning herself to a bit of a wait, Peachy scooted over to the barrel beside the window and hoiked herself up onto it for a makeshift seat. Her skates thunked against its sides as she swung her legs, literally kicking her heels. She listened to the growing racket inside and couldn’t help wishing she was in there too, doing battle with the things. Still, she could tell readily enough that the bouncer wasn’t about to make an exception to the STRICTLY part of his sign just because there was a haunting in progress. And she could smile at least, knowing that Shinvar – it had to be Shinvar - was in there with Leo, doing her bit.

Kiala couldn’t have been here yet, because surely the bouncer would have mentioned something. And if she wasn’t here yet, there were no prizes for guessing what was keeping her: Sludge, it had to be. Poor Kiala.

These thoughts had just finished going through her mind and she’d pretty much finished thunking the barrel, when a heavy wooden table came smashing through the window. Peachy jumped feet and landed awkwardly on her skates as the table struck the flagstones with an enormous bang and clatter. She threw out her arms for balance, but it was no good. She flopped flat onto her bum.

A couple of chairs came flying out, one after another, to crash land near the table.

Peachy was still sitting there on the cold stones when Leo appeared in the tavern doorway, drawing deep breaths of the morning air and straightening his beloved plumed hat.

“Ah, Peachy,” he said. “There you are.”

“Don’t you dare ‘there you are’ me!” She scowled. “You arranged a meeting here where I’m not allowed in.”

She struggled to stand, but in her haste only managed to wobble on her skates and had to reach out to steady herself against the barrel. “So you can start,” she told him, “by telling me what this urgent meeting of yours is all about!”

“Pardon the oversight, dear Peachy.” Leo sauntered over and extended a characteristically chivalrous hand to help her stay on her feet. “But you see, Shinvar and I had agreed to help the landlord expel his uninvited guests, and, well – two birds, one stone, and all that. It seemed the ideal venue.”

Peachy, her balance regained, suddenly felt less inclined to be mad at him. There was a wistful sort of melancholy in his smile and she could see he wasn’t himself.

Normally, everything about Leo was fair and light: his princely golden hair and that moustache of his, lightly pencilled on his upper lip as though he was never sure whether he wished to keep it; his blue eyes that seemed to tell stories of sunlit seas and fair-weather skies. Before her now, his locks were a little lanker than usual, his moustache a little darker and there were clouds in his eyes. Even his dashing musketeer’s uniform seemed nowhere near as flamboyant, the brim of his hat seemed floppier and the plume of royal-purple feathers had lost their debonair flounce.

Yes, troubled, she thought: Leo was definitely troubled.

Peachy flinched at the racket of more things being broken or knocked about inside the tavern. Probably furniture; but she thought of it as bric-a-brac, because that was the noise it made as it was hurled about in there. She half-expected more objects to come flying out at her. Nothing did for the time being, but she kept one eye on the window just the same.

“What is it, Leo? What’s up?”

Leo tutted and sighed through his teeth. He wandered over to the table and hefted it up in one go, flipping it onto its legs. Executing much the same manoeuvre with the chairs, he sat himself down in one of them and swung his feet up onto the table.

“Well, ideally, that ought to wait until we’re all gathered,” he said, with an apologetic tilt of his head.

Peachy didn’t think much of that: “But there’s no telling how long Kiala might be!” Sludge was always so stubborn, holding poor Kiala back and digging in his heels. Something he could do very effectively, because his heels had talons. She nodded towards the window. “Well, Shinvar will be out soon, won’t she? Or does she need our help?”

“Ah, Shinvar is handling the intruders in her own capable way. You know Shinvar – if she needed the aid of her loyal comrades in arms, she would call upon us.” There was admiration in his voice, but the melancholy still lingered. He twiddled his thumbs. “She tried talking to them. She tried the usual exorcisms, and they were having none of it. They raised objections, went into the attack and raised all manner of havoc.”

Peachy nodded. She’d heard plenty of tales of mist mariners – and once they made landfall they were devils to get rid of.

“So,” Leo inhaled and gestured at the window, where the din was sounding more and more like a battle, “Shinvar is now doing her best to persuade them to leave – with the aid of her Holy Sword.”

“Like holy words, but with the ‘S’ at the sharp end.” Peachy grinned, remembering Shinvar’s favourite way of expressing it. A fight was a last resort, she always said, but if you’re going to go there, you make sure you stay for the duration. Peachy loved Shinvar like a big sister.

And she loved Leo like a brother. “So,” she said and planted herself in the spare chair, elbows on the table and making it plain she wasn’t about to let the real subject drop. “The note said the meeting was urgent. And I bet Shinvar knows about it already. So you might as well tell me something at least. You have to!”

Leo puffed his cheeks and tutted a little tune under his breath, thinking it over. With a light stroke of his moustache, he came to a decision. “The short version,” he announced, “is that it means our adventuring days – or at least mine – are over.”

Peachy blinked. It wasn’t possible.

But the bad news was there in his eyes, like clouds conspiring to spoil a perfectly blue sky.

 

Chapters

1

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
mapleyther wrote 183 days ago

I love the short pitch - very creative. Of course if you have never read or heard of Gormenghast you would be none the wiser! The longer pitch gives you more of course and its clear that you have a very creative mind. I suppose the drawback might be that the plot is a bit "too out there" for some peoples tastes and I would probably have to admit mine. But I still know a good example of the genre when I see it , and this is it! 5 Stars....

Jaye Hill wrote 447 days ago

Highly enjoyable, fluent writing, natural dialogue, settings clear in a few well chosen words and gorgeous characters, and a laugh in every other line - what more can one ask. I'm sure the kids will love this. Have starred and watchlisted and will back the minute I get a spot on the shelf Jaye

K A Smith wrote 550 days ago

This is a fine piece of writing, charming and tongue in cheek. I am puzzled as to why some books get a lot of attention, while a piece of bijouterie like this will languish in the doldrums.

lizjrnm wrote 695 days ago

WOW Simon! First off I can't believe this is losing ranking as it is one of my favourite young adult reads on the site! PAY ATTENTION AUTHONOMITES! You have one of the most intriguing imaginations I have ever read and a true gift for putting down on paper! Your characterizations are so down to earth even if fantastical and you have a knack for dialogue! BACKED with pleasure and this is a place I want to go!

Liz
The Cheech Room

CarolynJ wrote 819 days ago

What a wonderful opening - I really laughed at the cob-ob-ob-bles! The mixture of reality (skating newspaper girl in protective gear) and fantasy works really well and the there are some lovely images: 'But the bad news..clouds conspiring to spoil a perfectly blue sky', 'Peachy grinned inside and out.' The humour is low key but just what children enjoy -eg. the flesh transparency spell, 'I'm blind not insensate'. I think this is a story which children will enjoy reading themselves but also adults would enjoy reading to their children. Consequently, shelved, Carolyn.

Janet Marie wrote 1048 days ago

Hi Simon. Peachy is a fiesty girl, very engaging. Well written settings. Lively dialogue. Your characterization of Peachy keeps the story active. Placed on my shelf. Good luck. Janet Marie

CJWebb wrote 1072 days ago

Hi Simon,
I finished chapter 3 and have watch-listed this. I really enjoyed the setting and the characters. I can practically see the sun sparkling on the sea, hear the gulls, and smell the...fish. Darn fish. Very fun. I think Leo's is taking a little to long to get to the crux of the matter, though. I'll be back, Carlajo

emap wrote 1076 days ago

Lovely opening chapter. It was fun to follow Peachy on her skates and watch the world of Tortenschloss (great title!) unfold. Very witty and clever. Your mist mariners are a fun idea and I'm sure your heroes will get rid of them. I'm looking forward to meeting the rest of the gang. Nice ending hook, too.
Goes on my watch list for now.
Cheers, Edith (Found Guilty)

Pat Black wrote 1089 days ago

Hi Simon - have been on the verge of reading your books before, but you got Desked both times and I missed out! Have finally had a look at the first chapter of Tortenschloss.

I was grabbed first of all by your pitch - these are vivid characters, the test of all good children's literature. Straight away you show that we're in a slightly altered Pullman-esque reality, with its jeopards and the mist mariners. I liked the way you introduced Peachy at speed, flying through the town on her rollerblades, but never too quick to pick out some detail for us. You figures are excellent too, especially the one right at the bottom about clouds spoiling a blue sky. It's good stuff, and I do suspect you're on a hat-trick with the Deskings. All the best to you,

Pat

Julie Starr wrote 1103 days ago

I like this a lot, better than Kip Doodle for me. Probably because its the kind of thing I could imagine myself reading. I recognise from the comments and praise of Kio that's its a good book and probably (I'm crossing my fingers for you) very commercial. Its just not the type of thing I'd pick up. But this was different, I loved the voice of it, like the setting, plus as always your writing is very tight, nothing spare.

Amazed at the amount of stuff you've got up here actually, I guess you're a full time writer then (I wonder what that's like!).

Liked your main character, she seems very real. Loved the opening segment, drew me in very quickly.

So liked it. Shelving it. Pronto. May you continue to prosper in the field of writing, you're a good example for me.

Doc wrote 1105 days ago

Hi Simon! Got here at last. I liked your story, I expect it's a bit like Pratchett although I've never read any of his. I have a couple of points: 1) I'm a visualiser and I couldn't picture 'a land left of the world' - what's 'a land'? 2) You've made things different in a number of ways, I wonder whether Peachy should be doing something as boring as a paper round or whether you could think up something more interesting for her to do. 3) Take a look at your use of 'was' it is indicative of the past, as such passive rather than active (I'm saying this to everyone) i.e. 'He only rose early when he was adventuring. Or he was troubled.' - 'He only rose early when adventuring beckoned or he felt troubled; 'The Barbican was beginning to...' - 'The Barbican began to...' Tim

TobyC wrote 1105 days ago

Greetings from the YA group. I enjoyed this book so much more than Kip. It's exciting, fast paced, and original. From mist mariners to the co-co-co-cobblestones, it kept me moving forward at a fast pace. I liked your young protagonist on skates. Especially on skates, refreshing and funky fun. I can see kids 8-11 loving this book, with a few minor exceptions. First some of the words are over their heads, beginning with the title. Many of the words are appropriate for YA reading, but the theme and the storytelling aspect are much too young to hold the attention of most tweens and teens. If this had been a children's book with the appropriate language level, I'd have shelved it in a heart beat. As it, I'm somewhat confused. Thanks for the read and the professional writing - that's always a pleasure. Best of luck with its success.

Corinna Turner wrote 1109 days ago

Ok, i'm here for the YA group read. My very subjective notes follow:

Ok, i've never been sure about the title for this one. It's hard to remember. Which fits with the pitch, which is so full of names i can hardly remember any of them. And which all adds up to be very off putting, to be honest. On the other hand, if one wades between the names, the idea sounds quirky and fun.
'most birds' – this confused me. To start with i wondered if Leo was a bird, then i realised it was a reference to the dawn chorus, but that didn't quite work for me. Because if the sun is coming, the birds will be singing (unless it's an aspect of your fantasy world that the dawn chorus happens some time after dawn...)
'It wasn't just the way he said it, then.' - i didn't really get this line.
'Peachy jumped feet' – 'Peachy jumped to her feet'?

Well, this is promising, but isn't quite grabbing me the way Kip did. Good luck with it.

TJ Rands wrote 1109 days ago

personal taste-i prefer kip.
still it's another great story that's hard to find fault with, in your ever growing collection and well worth a shelving
cheers tim

P J wrote 1109 days ago

Simon - third book of yours I've 'read' now (or at least started to read: to end of chapter 3) I didn't have much time to read Kip - but of what I've read I think this is my favourite. I really think you're onto something with this world. It is unlike anything else I've read, and I suppose the closest parallels are that it reminded me of The Pirates of the Caribbean in parts - although it's not only about pirates of course. The characters all worked, were brought to life expertly with many deft touches. I loved Shinvar's swords are words with s at the sharp end (sorry paraphrasing from memory) and the Mist Mariners were really original. I didn't quite get what jeopards were - but great name! There is a little but here - if you'll excuse that way of putting it!!! I'm not sure about the plot. Leo wants to retire because he's done it all before - there's nothing new. That's a bit what I felt about the plot. Your world is so original, I want to be grabbed more at this point. Does that make sense at all? It seems a very negative hook. I want to know that he's retiring because he's running away from something, or something similar. Just a thought. I would read on (if the watchlist weren't so huge) and might well return at some point. I'm sure it will stick in my mind. Good luck with it Simon.
Tricia

Onigirlie wrote 1111 days ago

Wow, I really like this story, your imagery is really good and I like the first line about the co-ob-ob-oble stones. Just one thing I noted is the jeapordies or whatever and the mist mariners, since they are creatures and that's their name, I'm not really sure of the rules, but it seems to me the name should be capitalized, but I could be wrong and they are your creatures. and I probably am wrong, but that's just something I noticed. anyway, can't wait to read more. And good luck with this.

Oni

cswayden wrote 1111 days ago

Hi Simon. Well I just finished chapter 2 and am hooked. At first, when I read your intro I was confused and really, overwhelmed by all the stuff in it. If that is something that you're sending out to agents or editors, I think there's too much. Is there a way you could shorten it or make it more concise? It sort of reminded me of Lord of the Rings in the sense that things and creatures and pitfalls just keep coming and coming. Which they do to my surprise. I admit I didn't want to read it but your writing pulled me in and I pleasantly found myself enjoying your story. I like your descriptions and the characters draw you in. But what I think is your strongest point is your dialog. What your characters say is exactly what they should say. I like your story and am bookshelving it! Good job. You won't last long here!

Dale wrote 1113 days ago

Hay, Simon, here's another great story. I've got a feeling HC was thinking about making you an offer for Kip and now they will for sure, Ha, maybe you're already in negotiations as we speak.

I haven't got much to critique here. The only thing is - the story itself sounds more for children but the prose is YA. I'm guessing you mean that to be, maybe thinking, YA like silliness as much as children? I know I do. But then 'Evil' wasn't exactly serious adult drama, was it? So just forget everything I just said. I only read three chapters but can see things getting hairy for the characters when they find Kiala and I' guess Leo will have to come out of his self-imposed retirement for an extra-ordinary adventure to beat all those other adventurers. Someone suggested I let the reader know the mc's age earlier to avoid confusion and I'm wondering if, when Peachy goes to the bar her age might be stated somehow??

If your still here in March I hope you stop by and check out 'Ecklar's Curse' again, it's changed a little and I think, for the better. Good luck with your writing career.

TomW wrote 1113 days ago

Sticks in jelly?

Ablutions - too big a word? Same for adamant, flamboyant, debonair. Then again, how else do they learn words? YMMV.

Jeopard. Presumably a variation on leopard. Unless they're supposed to be reminiscent of leopards (what do they look like?) why not jeppard, which would be easier to prounounce. Or something else?

"very little bounce left" - nice one!

"..out in a mo," he looked down at Peachy. Should be "...out in a mo." He looked down...

Well, I must say you establish your world and one main character in a few short paragraphs. And what a world it is! A winner. Shelved, my friend.

Scribble wrote 1114 days ago

I've now read the first seven chapters and the pace hasn't decreased, which is a good sign. There's good character development and the amusing descriptions haven't ceased. On the watchlist .. maybe onto the shelf.
I noticed that you have The God of Small Things as one of your favourites - it's possibly my favourite book ever. Good to see like-minded people around.

Scribble wrote 1114 days ago

I loved your first sentence. There's a Pratchett-esque charm to some of your writing (having said that, I hope you don't dislike Pratchett's books); amusement always keeps me reading, though it's carefully balanced with seriousness. I shall now read the second chapter.
Oh, and what age specifically are you aiming this at? I'm getting a 10-14 feel, methinks.

Helix wrote 1114 days ago

Simon,

The first thing I'd like to say (you may not like it) is that, in my opinion, this is better than Kip Doodle. It has a bigger market. I think you should push this harder than Kip. I wouldn't class this as young adult, however. Children's for sure. It reminds me of Milway's world in The Mousehunter.

I love the story, the atmosphere, the characters. Just feel the sentences need to be much shorter and choppier in that opening chapter. It could move faster and hook the reader instantly. Think this is important for kid's stuff.

I loved the bit with the bouncer. The STRICTLY part. Great. Smudge is my favourite. Think you should describe him a bit more when we first meet him, as I'm still unsure what he looks like.

Chapter 2 was my fav chapter.

One last thing. Didn't understand the short pitch. What is Gormenghast? Think you could use something stronger that all will understand and want to read.

Great story. Love it. My personal fav up to now. On the shelf.

Good luck, take care,

Steve.

p.s please check out Twistwood if you get a chance.

Jan-jan wrote 1114 days ago

I opened Tortenschloss thinking 'Oh, another one by 4d PERFECT, I'm not going to like this one.' And you had me laughing in the first para, damn you! :o)

In Ch 1, think it might be a good idea to put the para about calling the meeting second, to intrigue the reader more quickly. Also, had cottages actually wedged themselves in - or been wedged in? Otherwise, as this is a fantasy, I'm thinking the buildings have a life of their own.

In the first half of Ch 3, for my taste, you could either tighten up the report of the pirate raid or liven it up, as I got a bit restless reading it.

I read through to the end of Ch 4, and I do admire your style and the quality of your writing. But I have to be honest and say that I wouldn't read on. That may just be because it's not my kind of book, or perhaps it just didn't capture me in the way Kip Doodle did.

Good luck with it, anyway.

FunkyKitty wrote 1114 days ago

Hi, really nice first cahpter. I will definately come back and read more. What I've read is very good. The start is nice, it introduces Peachy nicely, great name by the way, and I already feel connected with her. It's well paced and we already have a hint of what's to come. Good luck
Kitten

Lorri Proctor wrote 1115 days ago

Hi, Simon.. I'm in the YA group and tho this isn't my usual style to read - or write, I have enjoyed reading some of Tortenschloss and feel it will definitely appeal to youngsters. It has a delightful comic edge and I love the title, love Kiala and Peachy too, thjey're right characters! I can't nitpick as I'm not so qualified in this genre so leave it to those who do. Most enjoyable...good luck. Lorri

Niki_G wrote 1120 days ago

Hi Simon,

A charming story here. I've only had time for two chapters, but I can already see its appeal. I'll be back for more by the end of the week and I'll add more comments if I think they'll be helpful to you. I like Kiala and of course Peachy already. I was a little confused at times about who's human and who's not, but that would be my only nit with this. I'm shelving it.

RobRow wrote 1120 days ago

Hi Simon: One of the YA reading group here. Although this isn't the kind of book I'm drawn to, I can easily imagine a wide audience for it. The writing is excellent, the pacing very good, and, from what I can discern from having read only a few chapters, the characters are well drawn. Although I won't read more--because of personal preference--Tortenschloss looks to be a lot of fun for its intended readers. Good luck. Rob

Robert M wrote 1125 days ago

Simon,

I read the first three chapters. There is atmosphere to rival a trip to Terry Brooks' Landover or perhaps if Douglas Adams had written a Guide to Fantasy. I like puns, intended or other wise. I have no complaints about chapter one except the opening paragraph which deserves more time, more detail, just "more" given to it.
What kept me reading was your art of the word. There are no obvious flaws in grammar and the style is immediate. There is a however though...

Now with that said, there is more left to write.

In other words, I feel, this is not your true beginning. The story is not immediate. The opening sentence should draw me in then make me want to follow Peachy.

I honestly grabbed the nearest book to me at the moment and that is Interworld co-authored by Neil Gaiman. The opening sentence is "Once I got lost in my own house." I read this and I want to know why.

Give me a reason to rollerblade behind Peachy. There is not one yet.

I, however, am Bookshelving this. I want to rollerblade.


Bob

Patty wrote 1127 days ago

Simon,

Some comments on the first chapter. You write well and all that blah, so I won't bore you with that. I do feel that the writing could be trimmed a bit, but I'm sure you'll get to that.
Plot-wise, I can't say this has grabbed me enormously yet. You paint a picture of a fairly standard fantasy town. Apart from the rollerskates, I'm not seeing anything really unqiue. As Peachy (I love the name!) skates through town, we get a progression of ordinary-mixed-with-politics. She's to meet Leo, but only meets him at the end of the chapter. Even then, not much information is passed to the reader. It feels a bit like chapter 1 contains a colection of facts you feel the reader 'needs' to know, but although I can't judge if that is true, I'm wondering if this chapter is the right place for them. I'd rather get to Leo sooner, witness the fight he's in (or see the mist mariners in action), and then get to the reason he can't have adventures with her anymore. I'll read chapter 2 and see if I can suggest anything more intelligent.

Ariom Dahl wrote 1130 days ago

Hi there Simon,
Heh, I chortled at the first paragraph. However, although I have read and enjoyed a chapter, it doesn’t grip me enough so far to make me want to keep reading this at the expense of other stories. No offence, it’s good writing but just not my thing. Just my opinion of course, and we’re all different. I read more of Kip and liked that more.
Hope it does well for you,
Regards,

Pirate wrote 1135 days ago

Simon, read the article in the local rag and had to see what the fuss was about! Now I know - good works and written in a readable style. Something wants me to read more........

F5 and carry on - The Pirate.

tadhgfan wrote 1149 days ago

Simon,
As always, you deliver a book that is witty and fun and extremely creative. Dispite the fact I have a hard time saying the name. (tongue gets tied) I was chuckling at your flow and characters and dialogue. It is all so YOU!
Definitely see reading this one all the way through :)
Cheers,
gina

Joe Garner wrote 1153 days ago

Simon,

I've read the first chapter of Tortenschloss (great name by the way) and I think it's a great YA addition. I do need to go back and re-read KIP, but I do think KIP is better. Thing is though, I remember thinking Kip was outstanding, so when I say it's not as good, a) I've only read the 1st chapter of this, and b) this is still bloody good and c) this isn't about Kip, this is Tortenschloss!'

It's very very easy to read and the pace flows well. You've got some great humour in there and it's something that's sure to be loved by children everywhere. i will endeavour to read more, and certainly get back to Kip at some stage, and I'll shelve this; it's a really good read.

Oli

Pierre Van Rooyen wrote 1153 days ago

Dear Simon,

Let's do the Cinderella first. On my bookself. I'll promote this too.

Experienced writing. Nobody, except me, would use the word overwritten. I have some thoughts which you may consider or toss out the window.

You've given this a nice feel. Friendly. I got a warm feeling. Also aware of a mischievous hand holding the pen. Well, mischievous fingers on the keyboard.

I didn't know what to make of your pitch. And I thought your synopsis was long-winded.

No, not overwritten. But I put it to you that removing a word here and there, makes it shine.

Examples of words this maniac would delete are bracketed. You may agree. You may howl in protest.

....there is a land......(There) On the coast....onto the (smoother stones of the) harbour front.....and the (few) trawlermen.....(one group) a group of sailors....they'd (obviously) filched....gooey (golden) yoke....there was (very) little....so she (had known) knew rightaway...{Past participle may be correct but seems clumsy?}.....but he (just) shook his head.....he was a (big) lead balloon of a man.....the bouncer looked dubious. (but sympathetic to her plight).....hoiked herself up (onto it) for a makeshift seat......

The bracketed words may not be extraneous, but I believe they blunt the writing.

Blame Michael Sissons of PDF who made me delete 40,000 words fom my first novel before he would handle it.

Getting late here. We're six hours ahead of GMT. And I've been writing (rewriting actually) for six hours. I'm stuffed.

Will promote you now and find fault (ha, ha) with your other work tomorrow.

Have fun. Regards. Pierre.

Pierre Van Rooyen wrote 1158 days ago

Dear Simon,

I see you're a maniac worse than me. I have two books here. Everyone looks at the first one and ignores the second.

But you're crazy enough to upload three books. It must be hell trying to promote them.

Have watchlisted Tortenschloss, Kip Doodle and Evil Unltd.

See you. Have fun. Pierre.

jennypenny wrote 1159 days ago

This is a fun book and it's great as a kids book. Cute ideas and very creative...I personally would like to see you set your stage abit more to explain this world at the begining. Why it wasn't right?...I also found that the idea of a tower in trees was rather vague. Give me more...

I love what you've got from there on. I just think you could do better. Create the place...

2004carlt wrote 1166 days ago

So which is the most recent of the ones you have up and how many do you have both on and off line? Curious, only this one felt more fluid to me. Great blog, by the way. Good luck.

2004carlt wrote 1166 days ago

This one runs smoothly, Simon. Is this the latest book you've written? Anyway, on my shelf it goes....

Philip Gilliver wrote 1166 days ago

Simon, you are an intelligent man and I can only assume that by now you would have sussed that I am absolutely useless at the criticism thing. But what I am good at doing, that is if it is a skill, is homing in on things that look like I might enjoy, switch myself off and take a ride to wherever it is the book will take me. I really like cobbled journey Tortenschloss (and I bet I haven't spelt that right?) take me. I'll be back for more Nice one bud!

And shelved!

dcavalchini wrote 1166 days ago

Fun. Fun. Fun.

Um..what else do you want me to say?

Great characters (I love Peachy). Great plot (complete with mysterious threat TM). Great light and easy style that really suits YA.

I have a new goal to meet. If you can't land a contract then the rest of we comic fantastists are in trouble.

Good luck Simon - I can sense another two top 5 coming on. It's on my shelf here and I wish it were in real life as well.

Cheers,
Damon

elaine warner wrote 1170 days ago

Okay, you've done it again. In spite of my lack of interest in sci fi/fantasy, I can't resist your characters and your writing style.

tadhgfan wrote 1171 days ago

Watchlisted, because I don't have enough to read...lol

Giordano and Edgington wrote 1171 days ago

I hated Gormenghast...
This is on my bookshelf.
Nancy

zenup wrote 1171 days ago

I like your set up, crinkle-cut walls - ha. I felt perhaps a certain lack of tension, and everyone seems rather good natured. ('Peachy always managed a cheery 'hi'). I wondered what these jeopards were, OK so they're animals, perhaps a bit of description? Just that I don't feel especially hooked so far. Will keep reading, though. You've got a good, easy to read style.

Jon McCarty wrote 1171 days ago

Simon,
It seems that I get the honor of the first perusal. Lucky me! I've read through the first part, liked it and, since it's you, went ahead and bookshelved it. Can't wait to finish reading it. My compliments on your choice of character names, too, by the way. If this book is anything like your others, I'm not going to get a lot of work done tomorrow.
--Jonathan

1