Terra

Darren, I've read all you've posted. This is quite a group of "special" people you've assembled. If you decide to post more, let me know. I would like to read on and see what you have in mind for them. Jim

Darren, I’ve put together a Quantitative Critique Score Sheet to respond to your story from a contest perspective. I hope you find this informative and helpful. (Max 10x10 pts)

Title: [Terra]
Author: [Darren Gibbon]

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[09] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[08] Enjoyment (a bit concerned about the number of locations & characters – who is the protagonist?)
[09] Interest – but impatient for plot to unfold

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[10] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors
[10] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors
[08] Free of Distracting Dialog (some superfluous words slow down reader)

Story
[08] Coherent / Order (seem to be jumping around setting overall scene)
[09] Character/Subject Development (you initial hook could come faster and point more directly to the problem the protagonist must deal with)

Marketing
[10] Cover Design
[08] Pitch (needs to be more of a hook)

TOTAL
[89/100]

Comments: This is a story that has the potential of breaking out to become an outstanding book. The elements need some work (re-writes). I’m sticking with the author on this one – I feel the story is there and hope the Autonomy crowd is patient.

E L Russell

Darren,

I just read everything that you have posted. I think you have a really great start to the story. Very fast paced read. I have a few comments. I haven't read anyone else's comments so just skip over them if they are repeats.

Your short pitch doesn't do your story justice. It should summarize your story in a sentence or two. I can't tell from this pitch what your story is about. Just that it is a fast paced science fiction.

I like all the character's stories, but I worry that you might be introducing too many characters too soon. It is hard to keep track when you keep switching around like that. I am going to reserve judgement, because I haven't read it all. However, just be careful of floating off course.

Other than that good read.

Thanks for backing mine.

I like your first chapter! The pace moves quickly and I can see the plane and crash clearly. Good job! Let me know when you get the professional edit online!

Sincerely,

Donna

WOW! Thanks to everyone who has commented. There are many points here that I can take and improve my story. Terra is currently being professionally edited, after which, I expect I shall rewrite a considerable portion of it. hopefully the end result will be commercially attractive. Once again, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and comment on Terra.
Kind regards
Darren

Terra. That's a striking cover you have. Your short pitch is advertising hype, and gives no hint of what the book is about, so it doesnt draw the reader in.
The long pitch tells us a bit more, but perhaps you could fill it out, give a glimpse of emotion, and how the story unfolds?
I'm no good at pitches, and have taken ages to try and perfect mine with the help of people on this site. But I think I sort-of understand what is required now; not enough, though to attempt any suggestions - sorry!

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. The beginning takes me straight into the story. But it is good practice to give speech a seperate paragraph, and it breaks up the monotonous blocks of words for the reader, too. Glancing down, it might also be a good idea to put italicised thoughts on a seperate line.

One of my 'things' is to point out superfluous words, which when deleted make the message stronger. If you try it, you'll see what I mean: always, still, continually, about, just, suddenly, obviously, etc.

I have driven across vast distances in WA and can identify with the sense of long, weary hours. Which direction out of Perth is Mark travelling - north?
The scene of the plane crash is vividly described, and also Mark's sense of urgency and horror.

Perhaps if you did a search on the words ending in -ly, and deleted all but the most necessary, your words would flow much better. (You dont need the 'finally' when Mark came to a clearing).

And cliches like 'his heart was in his mouth' are best left out.
That last sentence could be 'Everything went blank.'

A vivid first chapter, with a tantalising hook.

Ch.2. A complete change of scene!
You have said 'next step' twice in that first paragraph.
More words to avoid: slight, normally.

You certainly know how to create suspense, but there appears to be no connection with thefirst chapter. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and I read on in anticipation.

Ch.3. 'Unbelievable' is repeated in the first sentence.

Perhaps if you told the story of Taka and Kimi in linear fashion, with more detail and from a character's viewpoint (not the author's) the events would come alive better. The past pluperfect tense is cumbersome (all those 'had's) and detracts from the flow of the story.

So - the bump on Taka's head had something to do with his understanding the wordings of the phone... but how all this - and the space station - fits with the plan crash is a mystery.
I cant stop.

Ch.4. Yet another switch of countries!
Perhaps you are 'playing' with the reader a little too much. I would have like to learn moreof the different stories and their connection, before being whisked off again.
You could possibly draw out the episodes and introduce new factors with hints and suggestions in the preceding chapters.
At the moment, each chapter seems like part of a separate unfinished short story.

But you depict the primitve brutality of Pierre very well, although his belief in the Shaman was rather abrupt, after threatening to shoot the lieutenant. Perhaps you could draw out the scene more?

You have the makings of a good story here, and you can certainly create atmosphere and suspense.
I'm sorry if my comments may seem rather negative, but your book is worth perfecting.

I hope this helps.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Dear Darren,

This is a fantastic story. Adapa. Hint of Oannes, god of wisdom. Annnunaki, creator gods. Paleocontact. Reference to Area-51. Telepathic summons reminiscent of Close Encounters. Space station. Bio-suits. And then, planet Nibiru. This has some of my most favourite elements of contemporary pseudoscience. I am simply floored by the way you've tried to weave together all these diverse subjects into such a complex and utterly compelling read. Awesome !!!

Regards,
AGC.

SF42 sci fi critique group

Hi Darren

I read up to chapter 4, and I don't really know what to say. So far I an guess what is happening, but the story hasn't really progressed. I suppose 3 chapters isn't a lot to progress in, though. I'll just get to my notes, as there was very little that stood out to me:

'wild pigs, cow(s), horses...'

I think the last line of the chapter needs rewriting.

You don't need to state that that is the end of the chapter. The fact that we have to click on chapter 2, and that it says 'chapter 2' on the next page rather suggests that already.

I'm not sure why the asterisks in chapter 3 are necessary, at the start or end.

'"Hai, hai(,)" replied Taka(.) "Just...'

If this is Taka's memory, it doesn't make sense to include his father's thoughts.

'...on the first available flight(.")'

I stopped on chapter 4. It is well written and flows well, but having 4 different characters in as many chapters is annoying and confusing. From the pitch, I can tell the first character, Mark, is the MC; so who are these others? Are they proper fully-fledged characters or are they there just to add a little bit to the story from a one-off perpective? People were getting confused with mine just because I had ONE chapter in between my two MC chapters. I'd recommend you put chapter 2 first, as a prologue - I think it would work better that way.

As I said, it is well written and I imagine I would enjoy the full book. Good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Hi Darren,
You got an interesting story, but it needs a little work. Not so much the grammar and punctuation, but the connection between the chapters don't seem so well put together - they don't seem to have too much in common, (chapter 2 was very short for my taste). Is the story going to develop into something like the movie "Independence Day"?
You also need to add more meat to that bony synopsis. Make it more interesting and exciting. Make it attractive enough that your readers want to read more.
Keep at it. I hope this helps
Cheers, Mate
Kirk

I'm backing this. It has good pace and an original premise. You could do with some rewriting, especially the opening passages. Keep the content the same but find a better way of conveying the introductory information. Although you've uploaded repetitions to meet the total word count, there's enough here to show what kind of novel this will be.

Change your pitch a bit. The first sentence is a blurb not pitch. The third needs a new paragraph.

Backed
Lara
A RELATIVE INVASION